SHARE
Best friends.
I can see your ha-lo, ha-lo, ha-lo!

The Spirit Of The Lord cummeth all over the White House! And it’s about time, after eight years of being governed by a secret Muslim whose Christian pastor hated America, and all the presidents who came before that, none of whom were Anointed By Christ like Donald J. Trump, whose almost nonexistent sins have been thoroughly washed by the blood.

We’ve known about Trump’s deep abiding personal faith for a long time. He’s a total fangirl for Jesus, because he knows Jesus was an egotistical blowhard like him. He keeps his favorite Bible verses close to his vest, because that is Eyes Only intelligence between him and his God. He is like “NOM NOM NOM” when the priest gives him the little Jesus crackers, because he is so hungry for Jesus in his belly on those rare occasions when he attends church. And now we are learning from the Christian Broadcasting Network that the Trump White House is a NSFW, non-stop Bible orgy with so many Bible studies even Jeff Sessions is hurling his panties at the altar, ALLEGEDLY:

A spiritual awakening is underway at the White House.

Some of the most powerful people in America have been gathering weekly to learn more about God’s Word, and this Trump Cabinet Bible study is making history.

They’ve been called the most evangelical Cabinet in history – men and women who don’t mince words when it comes to where they stand on God and the Bible.

That’s nice. Does Trump attend? Nah. CBN says he is “invited,” which means he hasn’t grabbed one Bible by the pussy since the day he was inaugurated. But Betsy DeVos and Jeff Sessions and Rick Perry and Sonny Perdue and Tom Price and Mike Pompeo go. Oh, and Mike Pence wants to come too, when he has time.

This guy Ralph Drollinger has a good old fashioned witnessin’ organization called Capitol Ministries, and he teaches the Bible study for all these good Christian folk, then sends them out into the world where they implement Jesus’s message by trying to take healthcare away from people and saying bitches be lyin’ when they say they’ve been raped.

No for real, Drollinger says he does Bible to these cabinet members, then he sees them on TV doing the exact same Bible he taught them:

“He’ll (Jeff Sessions) go out the same day I teach him something and I’ll see him do it on camera and I just think, ‘Wow, these guys are faithful, available and teachable and they’re at Bible study every week they’re in town,'” Drollinger said.

Which time was that, when Sessions went on TV and Bibled just right? When he decided he wanted to Make Civil Asset Forfeiture Great Again? Is that some kind of “render unto Caesar” crap? What about his racism and his work to chip away at voting rights and civil rights? The Bible says Jesus was allegedly always loving outsiders and healing the sick and caring for the least of these, but those are probably just liberal agenda translations that conveniently forget to include how the Son Of God finished most of His sermons with the words, “Unless they are a black or a Messican, in which case disregard everything I just said. Also too, NO HOMO.”

Drollinger has high praise for Mike Pence, the vice president of America who calls his wife “Mother”:

“Mike Pence has uncompromising biblical tenacity and he has a loving tone about him that’s not just a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal,” he continued.

FACTCHECK: Mike Pence is TOTALLY a noisy gong and a clanging cymbal, by which we mean fuck him sideways.

If you happen to be in the White House (hello, press corps!) and manage to squirrel your way into one of these weekly Bible orgies, please drop yr Wonkette a line and tell us what it’s really like. Remember to Bring Your Own Bible, otherwise they will know you are a fake news impostor. You can borrow one from yr Wonkette if you need!

Also probably bring condoms because ain’t no party like a Trump Bible party and we just bet Rick Perry, Tom Price and the others are HOT 2 FUCKING TROT once they’re done getting Bibled by old Ralph.

Wonkette salaries are fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click below, to pay our salaries!

[CBN]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • HOLY FUCK.

    • therblig

      link doesn’t work, but i’ll assume it’s sexxy nuns.

      • armed_bears

        Yeow…. Rule 34 invocation.

      • It wasn’t a link. It was bold-faced awe and exasperation.

        • beingreleased

          That part worked.

        • therblig

          well, you owe me for a sprained mouse finger.

      • Querolous

        suds nuns

    • JoeChristmas
      • It’s Tunces and his other brother Tuneses.

  • armed_bears

    Paging Sinclair Fucking Lewis. Sinclair Fucking Lewis to the white courtesy phone.

  • therblig

    god satan fsm yoda colossus somebody fucking help us.

    • kareemachan

      Praise FSM and/or Cthulhu!!

    • beingreleased

      Help me Jebus!

  • beingreleased

    I’d make a terrible christian. I don’t have enough hate in me.

    • If only you’d been blessed with an atrophied frontal cortex it would have allowed the necessary room for hatred and self-righteous-fueled fantasies to flourish.

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      These people seem to confuse God with 40k Emprah, without drawing the setting’s (rather obvious) conclusions.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Oh, for fucks sake.

  • The Librarian

    The Holy Babble says do unto others. How come they don’t fuck each other over sideways the way they do the rest of us?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      It’s not so easy for a pussy to fuck someone sideways while looking them in the eye. Anonymous fucking us what these Christians are best at. Which is kinda funny. Bath house Christians, politically speaking.

  • Perkniticky

    I hope American evangelicals realise this administration is giving Christians a bad name. May the decline in church attendance become even more precipitous (not that conservatives would take responsibility or admit the evidence).

    • therblig

      they don’t care as long as the right people go to hell and the ameros keep rolling in. decline in attendance? no problem, just up the “suggested” tithe. skydaddy’s servant has a boat payment coming up.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        IIRC, evangelical denominations are holding steady on membership, largely by poaching from mainstream protestant denominations (which are declining).

        As for attendance, well, that’s always been wildly over-reported — doing actual counting gives a number about half that of self-reporting.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      American evangelicals are pretty good their own selves at giving Christianists a bad name.

    • Steve Cole

      Jack Abramoff pretty much proved that evangelicals are dumb as rocks and demand to be exploited.

    • Iron Monkey

      Trump propitiates evangelicals so they love him. He doesn’t have to believe shit.

  • Swampay

    no fool like a religious fool

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Help us, Obiwan Kenobe. You’re our only hope.

    • “Help Wanted? Inquire within.”

      Now we shall see whom paid attention to “Earthworm Jim” around here.

  • Rick Perry is a Power Bottom. I can tell by his SMRT glasses, and the way he Fellates a Corn Dog.

    The man has Skillz.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I was just reading somewhere that the other Cabinet members make fun of him because he didn’t know Department of Energy was responsible for the nukular arsenal. He thought he be traveling around talking about oil and coal.

  • Iron Monkey

    This land is your land…as long as you are rich, white and christian.

    • Finnibar87

      This land is mobil, this land is exxon, this land is BP, they drill all over.

      From the redwood forests, to the gulf stream waters, this land belongs to Big Oil.

  • Finnibar87

    And my sense of disquiet just keeps getting louder.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Sessions is probably one or two study sessions away from referring to African-Americans as “Children of Ham” in his public statements.

    • Mavenmaven

      I’m sure he did that already decades ago.

  • sosuume

    Let’s name all the evangelical Christian leaders who have publicly admonished Scary-Moochie’s language as he talked about Bannon sucking his own cock, and the former CoS cock-blocking him. Here’s one:

    1.

    • Finnibar87

      They were shocked, shocked that a journalist would dare report it.

      But the messenger? He’s good with god, not like some high faultin’ New Yorker.

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Now that’s an epithet I can get behind.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    A spiritual awakening is underway at the White House.

    Presumably, that’s because of the self-fellatio allegedly happening?

  • Scooby

    Weird how religious people turned out to be the most gullible. Well, after mental patients anyway.

    • Crystalclear12

      There is some overlap in that Venn diagram.

      • Scooby

        It looks like a circle.

        • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

          Not all mental patients are gullible religious nutters.

  • Crystalclear12

    Religion. . . blah, blah. . . opiate. . . yada, yada. . . masses

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    In related news, that refugee coddler Lady Liberty has resigned. Her replacement is has already been named.
    https://1.bp.blogspot.com/_xNI_4M25x7w/THz69s7okqI/AAAAAAAAA9o/s0HO1G3VMT4/s400/9_funny_jesus_thumbs_up.jpg

  • Mavenmaven

    I imagine that they show up, have milk and cookies, and doodle on the pages of their bible as some guy rambles on and on… just like everyone else in the world, except Pence.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “‘Mother’ doesn’t approve of doodling…or is that diddling?”
      — Mike Pence

    • “Mother, Mooch put his hand on my knee for a moment in Bible Study today.”

      *sigh* “I’ll get the clothespin, Mike.”

  • GreenGoldSharpie

    Is this what Rick Perry has been doing instead of managing the department that policies nuclear materials abroad that he also wanted to eliminate?

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Damn, this story reminded me of another pious Christian weighing in on the healthcare debacle. I would have preferred forgetting.
    https://twitter.com/jackmjenkins/status/891842132234907649

    • Carpe Vagenda

      His family fortune is based on bearing false witness and investing the widow’s mite. Why would he have trouble sleeping?

    • Skaarphy

      The answers he got were amazing.

  • schmannity

    OK Wonkers, I’m a practicing Episcopalian with an 8th degree belt in Bloody Marys. I’ve read the entire Old and New Testament twice. This constant “Bible study” I just don’t get. I’m pretty good at algebra, calculus, and several other subjects, but I haven’t spent a life re-reading the textbooks.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Well, there you go.. How do you keep up with all the changes between readings?

      • schmannity

        Google alerts.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          I bet the alerts for Bibble changes come much more often than for the algebra changes…

          “OK, fuck it, so ya, the Earth isn’t flat, but Goddamn if it’s warming because of people…”

    • Mr. Blobfish

      That’s why you will spend an eternity burning in Hell

      • schmannity

        Because of Bloody Marys?

    • beingreleased

      If you never use what you’ve learned, it gets rusty. Hence the need for refresher courses.

    • JoeChristmas

      Especially when it’s outdated textbooks.

  • msgypsy

    When are they going to go out on big hallway witnessing field trips? That well-oiled machine of a White House staff could only benefit, right? (Constitution? What constitution are we talking about here? The Preznut has a great constitution. The BEST constitution.)

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      I’m going to buy Sessions a little pink Frozen backpack to carry his Bible in on his trip.

      • He won’t accept it. Frozen is about witchcraft and the debil.

    • Covfefe

      Sam Brownback. He’s the Assistant Secretary of State for Witnessing.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    It’s like one big Mississippi Squirrel Revival, and if I were involved in that mess, I’d be praying for mercy, too.

    https://youtu.be/K16fG1sDagU

  • Iron Monkey

    The only Christians worthy of the name that I know are the nuns who go to Central America (sometimes to be killed) and the clergy and laity from there who really carry out Christ’s admonition about ” when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind”.

    The rest of them can kiss by agnostic ass.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Some of them fought hard to save healthcare here too.

      • Iron Monkey

        A lot of big hospital chains are run by nuns.

  • OrG

    I’ve just about had it with these people.
    On second thought I HAVE had it with these people.

  • Claire

    Looks like the Democrats are planning on joining them, I suppose on the theory that each rural evangelical vote is worth 50 votes from Women’s March participants.

    https://twitter.com/thehill/status/892023066750058496

    • I fucking knew it.

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Yea, that whole “getting on-message” thing Schumer was going on about?

      Great start.

    • Once again, the Point is educate your constituents out of ignorance, not preach it back to them…

    • beingreleased

      Seeing as how Democratic policies reduce the number of abortions and Republican policies increase them, I’m not sure I see this as a problem.

      What Happens When Texas Blocks Planned Parenthood? Abortions Rise.
      Study: Lege’s family planning cuts led to an increase in abortion

      • Claire

        I’m pretty sure that a Democrat who will not vote in favor of those policies, will not defend them, and will turn a blind eye to Republicans closing abortion facilities in their states is a big fucking problem for the women who live in those states and need reproductive health care. Democratic policies don’t get implemented automatically when a Democrat gets elected to office.

        • beingreleased

          What does “anti-abortion” mean? Joe Biden and Tim Kaine and Harry Reid don’t support abortion. They also never tried to make it illegal. If anti-abortion just means trying to reduce/end the need the need for abortion, Democrats do a pretty good job. Don’t fall for the pro-choice=pro-abortion line.

          • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

            Yes, they don’t support abortion. They still have good ratings from NARAL and Emily’s List because their personal beliefs didn’t interfere with their legislative stances.
            What the DCCC seems to be saying is that now that line of separation doesn’t need to exist, or at best is blurry. That’s a problem.

          • beingreleased

            Yes – I agree. I misread the tweet.

          • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

            Sorry – I had replied before you had self-corrected. All good.

        • beingreleased

          Also – I misread the tweet. I skipped over the word “rights” after the word “abortion.” So my bad.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef
    • Goddess help these fuckers if they beg me for money again!

      • Claire

        I’m kind of looking forward to their next fundraising call, myself.

        • I knew this shit was coming when they made noise about Pelosi.

          I don’ making more enemies. The whole world is already my enemy, the new Sexist D party can pile on too, the worthless Shitrag Motherfuckers.

    • The Librarian

      Fuck that shit. My wallet says “Nope”.

    • Wild Cat

      Doubleplusungood and reeks of desperation.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Be careful when they ask you to come into the light.
    https://pics.prcm.jp/kontana/7646713/jpeg/7646713_220x206.jpeg

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Joe Beese

      I hope it does better than their kids’ cereal: Ragios.

      • MynameisBlarney

        It’s gotta taste better than the other hot-pocket flavors.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Ugh, this is like the worst book club ever. Did Oprah even recommend it?

  • Carpe Vagenda

    and, back in the land of autofellation,

    https://twitter.com/GlennThrush/status/892091243219570688

  • Joe Beese

    This just isn’t The Mooch’s week.

  • The Librarian

    Whoa!!! NYT blurb:

    Trump Removes Anthony Scaramucci From Communications Director Role

    • BosGrl

      I was so pissed when ABC cut into General Hospital, but damn it was worth it!

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      It’s like a country song. He lost his wife, his job, and his cuck in one week.

      • The Librarian

        Couldn’t happen to a bigger ass.

      • natoslug

        Here’s hoping the taint of Trump follows his career and he’s reduced to hawking “one neat trick” pamphlets on late-night tv.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Now if somebody backs over his dog while repossessing his pickup truck, he could have a hit on his hands.

    • The Librarian

      “President Trump has decided to remove Anthony Scaramucci from his position as communications director, three people close to the decision said Monday, relieving him just days after Mr. Scaramucci unloaded a crude verbal tirade against other senior members of the president’s senior staff.
      Mr. Scaramucci’s abrupt removal came just 10 days after the wealthy New York financier was brought on to the West Wing staff, a move that convulsed an already chaotic White House and led to the departures of Sean Spicer, the former press secretary, and Reince Priebus, the president’s first chief of staff.”

      • Claire

        Twitter is saying Kelly shitcanned him.

        • The Librarian

          Yep

        • The Librarian

          WaPo agrees:

          Scaramucci is out as White House communications director 10 days after he was named to the job, sources say

          By Washington Post Staff
July 31 at 11:47 AM PT
The move comes on John Kelly’s first day as the White House chief of staff. Anthony Scaramucci, a New York financier, had been on the job for only a week. He immediately brought more controversy to the White House by openly feuding
          with former chief of staff Reince Priebus, whom he attacked in a vulgar tirade during an interview with the New Yorker.

      • miss_grundy

        Spicey and Rinse must be having a good laugh at Moochie’s expense.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Step one of my ‘be given a cushy ambassadorship just to go away’ plan is complete.”
      — Anthony Scaramucci

      “Way ahead of you, bud.”
      — Sam Brownback

    • jesterpunk

      Damn the Mooch is gone too, that didn’t last long.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Did SNL even have time to cast him?

        • CripesAmighty

          In related news, NBC has announced the resignation of the entire SNL writing staff…

          • Latverian Diplomat

            “You win again, reality.”
            — Satire

        • The Librarian

          I read Ben Stiller as one possibility.

        • jesterpunk

          I don’t think they did.

      • natoslug

        With a divorce pending, he no longer had anything Trump wanted to grab.

      • The Librarian

        Too bad, not sad. He’s one smarmy mofo.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Whether Trump’s ship is sinking is unclear…while some rats are leaving voluntarily, the really big ones still have to be thrown off.

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        But he still is catering to the pro-iceberg crowd

    • schmannity

      NYT reporting that Kelly removed him. Now all he has to do is deport.

  • mardam422

    Lots of people get religion on their deathbed.

  • puredog

    Only in Trumpland is it headline material that cabinet members are “teachable.”

  • Suse

    Mucho Scary just resigned!!!

    • BosGrl

      Resigned/fired… I guess he’ll say he resigned last night.

    • Longstreet63

      That’s a new brevity record, isn’t it?

      • Wild Cat

        Nah. His soon-to-be-ex-wife says 1.8 seconds.

    • Wild Cat

      So all the coke dealers he said he’d bring aboard went back to South America?

    • sosuume
  • Weird Fishes
  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    Aren’t these twits supposed to be busy running the superpower that is the U.S. of A.? Can’t they just go to their own damned church service on Sunday? Jumping Jehosaphat.

  • ZyxSync Black
  • Ωbjectifier
    • BosGrl

      Sweet, sweet karma.

  • CripesAmighty

    Breaking: Aaaaand, the Mooch gets the https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6D-SqQV_T04

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    Whoa, BBC is reporting that Scaramucci just got sacked!

    • Covfefe

      WaPa says the same thing.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Also Times.

  • JoeChristmas

    God just told me these people are false prophets.

    • OrG

      The profits,on the other hand,are quite real.

  • FlownΩver

    OT:

    The Mooch is out!

    ED: yeah, I’m slow. Print journalism background.

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      He was only supposed to be a one off character that they used to kill off Pubes.

      Bad writing. Sad.

    • William

      I heard it on MSNBC, you could hear peals of laughter coming from the newsroom https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/79a6aaab74fa3811ab7fd998be7eb47d83b55324b7bb15126f18f930bb0e6aec.jpg

    • shastakoala

      A Trump resignation record! Winning!

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I don’t know. I mean, sure, he wasn’t supposed to start until tomorrow, but Jason Miller had his little woopsy about what kind of surrogate you’re allowed to impregnate before the inauguration, yes?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    “Oh, Tony?… Won’t see him no more.”

  • Daniel Hooper

    Yeesh; these guys would listen to Cartman’s Christian rock group ,”Faith +1″ unironically, and he had a song that was about literally giving Jesus head.

  • Michael R
  • Oh da Mooch is GONE.

    • TheGrandWazoo2
      • OrG

        YOU’RE THE CHAOS!

      • Beanz&Berryz

        You’re the chaos!

      • Carpe Vagenda

        but Cyrano Jones never spilled a drop.

      • …seconds later the red shirt gets sporked to death by the crowd

  • DerrickWildcat

    Scaramucci has just resigned to spend more time with his family.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      In court…

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      You mean the son whose mother he sent a text to?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Oops.

    • Joe Beese

      ISWYDT

    • therblig

      didn’t his family just resign to spend less time with him?

      • Joe Beese

        I don’t approve of kicking a man while he’s down.

        Fortunately, The Mooch doesn’t qualify.

      • aureolaborealis

        I hope you’re feeling relaxed, because there is a lot of upfisting coming your way.

      • puredog

        Wifey allegedly filed for divorce cuz Moochie was going to work for Trumpie. Maybe she’ll re-think it a la Roseanne Rosannadanna.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Oh, I hope she sticks to her guns, takes him to the cleaners, and gives the baby her maiden name.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      This is a new record

  • therblig

    and the award for the most compelling piece of performance art goes to…

    The Mooch!

    well deserved.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      I’m a little sad. I was so looking forward to him continuing to attempt to bond with members of the Cuomo family over their shared heritage of being goombas.

      • puredog

        I was looking forward to the vicious infighting. . .among actors wanting to play him on SNL.

  • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution
    • puredog

      “A well-tuned machine” just got well-tuneder.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        “A well-tuned administration that runs like a sausage making machine”. Usually it’s Congress that is accused of sausage making.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Is that a new record? He hadn’t even officially started yet.

  • BosGrl

    So Drumpf can talk about grabbing pussies and it’s A-OK but let a guy talk about cock sucking and it’s curtains…

    • jesterpunk

      The Mooch was getting more press then Trump. Cant have that happen at all.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “I blame feminists for that!”
      — Tomi Lahren

      • aureolaborealis

        And also for my healthcare coverage!

    • jowgajen

      Kelly can fire Mooch, Turnip not so much.

      • BosGrl

        Someone on MSNBC just said he hadn’t actually left his old job, so really hadn’t started working at the WH so who the hell knows exactly what happened.

        • miss_grundy

          These WH bozos change their storylines every day. He supposedly was selling his investment firm to the Chinese and he was taking the White House job, then he really isn’t on board yet. Colbert, Trevor Noah are going to have a field day with this news tonight.

        • jowgajen

          Kelly was sworn in this morning as Chief of Staff. Mooch out same day. Not a coincidence.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Twenty-fifth Amendment libelz!

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Now we’ll never know if he can do the Fandango to himself.

  • cheetojeebus

    When does Hannity start?

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    I’m pretty sure all these so-called “Godly”-type people are more into the golden calf worshipping.

  • GreenGoldSharpie

    I like that Mooch is gone, but it seems to be at Kelly’s request.

    I am kinda afraid Kelly may clean up the mess in the White House a bit. That’s scary.

    • jowgajen

      We deserve a government.

      It won’t last.

    • TJ Barke

      Mooch is already gone?

      • GreenGoldSharpie

        10 days.

        • puredog

          So will Spicey come back? Will Mrs. Mooch dismiss her divorce petition? So many questions.

          • Catstro

            Next time on As the World Burns

          • Yellerduck

            If he doesn’t die from the laughing fit he is almost certainly still in the middle of.

        • TJ Barke

          And yet it seemed so much longer…

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Not for long. Only Trump can give the orders. Ivanka and Jared won’t take orders from Kelly.

  • Master Contrail Program

    I really don’t see a way to negotiate, compromise or reconcile with people who think 2+2= Purple. I’ve done a fair amount of hallucinogens in my time and I’ve never came close to having visions like this.

  • TJ Barke

    Great, cuz we really need a lunatic asshole like Donnie to believe his every command is endorsed by God…

  • Me not sure

    “When the roll is called up yonder, I’ll be at Mar-A-Loco. ….It’s nicer. …Just the best!”
    Generalpopeissimo Donald J. Trump,

  • Now that the Mooch’s lips are detached from Trump’s anus maybe he’ll dish some dirt?
    The big question I have is – was he fired before, during, or after Bible class?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “No Mooch, we are not reading from Song of Solomon again, just ’cause that’s your favorite…”

  • Scooby

    Paddy Power now has Trump impeachment at 6/4.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    JFC, I thought Mooch would last a month, anyway.

    • Beautiful Soup

      I miss the Mooch. Maybe they got rid of him because he’s going to get a spinoff?

      • therblig

        Chachi and the Mooch.

        • Beautiful Soup

          Moochy loves Spicey?

          • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

            Him and Spicey are forced to move in together after Mooch’s wife kicks him out– “The Odd Couple”

    • Joe Beese

      Along with civic norms, Trump is also undermining our sense of time.

      • Covfefe

        Ten days is one Cillizza Unit?

  • Claire
    • Joe Beese

      WHO’S GOT THE BIG SWINGING ONE *NOW*, MOOCH??

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    And who the fuck are they going to find who will kiss Donald’s ass even more vigorously than Mooch FFS?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      The sloppiness of even more is hard to imagine…

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Hannity?

      • Sally

        O’Reilly is unemployed…

        • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

          Oh God. I actually gasped with horror at this.

    • OrG

      Lumpy.

  • miss_grundy

    This just in, Scaramucci has been removed as WH Comm Director by Kelly, the new WH Chief of Staff. So much for loyalty to the Tangerini brand.

  • Bill D. Burger

    ♪, ♫♪, ♫ Folks, here’s a story ’bout Tony the Moocher
    He was a red-hot hoochie-coocher
    But now he’s the the roughest, toughest fail
    Cause’ Tony had a mouth as big as a whale

    Hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi (hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi)
    Whoa-a-a-a-ah (whoa-a-a-a-ah)
    He-e-e-e-e-e-e-y (he-e-e-e-e-e-e-y)
    Whoa-a-a-a-ah (whoa-a-a-a-ah)
    Poor Tone….poor Tone….poor Tone ♪, ♫

    (*Apologies to the late Cab Calloway)

    • John Thorstensen

      The Betty Boop cartoon that goes with that has to be seen to be believed.

      “Our Forefathers Took Drugs!”

      • SweetDeeKat

        Dogs flew spaceships! Your brain is not the boss!

    • Me not sure

      Cab would be fine with it.
      https://youtu.be/h0icF_o5UIs

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        What. the hell. am I watching??

        • Me not sure

          Odd, huh?

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    If there were a Hell, trying to figure which circle Donnie and his supporters belong in would certainly be a trying task for Satan.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Satan wouldn’t take them. They’d be forced to go to Heaven which would be their ultimate hell.

    • Catstro
      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        It’s gonna have to be yuuuge….

    • Covfefe

      First Circle of Hell is the Reception & Guidance Center. That’s where you get your classification. Unfortunately, hell is like a federal prison. No good time.

    • SkinlessGenderlessMan

      It’s actually very simple.

      Chop them into chunks, tip them into a bucket, and hurl handfuls at the various levels in about even proportions.
      Should cover it all…

      Bonus if the chunks regenerate and suffer individually.

      Hey, Dok! Since this involves metaphysical stuff that I don’t believe in anyway, does it have to be done with votes?

  • aureolaborealis

    Two-scoops clipped da Mooch!

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Mob name for Fauxtus? Donnie “Two Scoops”.

  • Reximus

    Mooch about nothing

    MOOCH GETS WHACHED after 1 week

    • Beanz&Berryz

      It was a cagey ploy to give his wife an excuse to divorce him…

  • Suse

    Can’t wait to hear what Sarah has to say at her 3:45 EDT press conference.

    • Joe Beese

      That makes one of us.

      • Suse

        Ha!

    • Shanzgood

      I hope she wears green again.

      • William

        Worst pool table impression ever.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        ROFL

    • Kerlyssa

      Does she get to stop getting her face done up like a 5 year old beauty pageant contestant? Because that shit is just wrong.

    • Sally

      Bet the cameras are banned…maybe the audio too!

  • Proud Liberal

    Scaramucci is out. LOL! 10 whole days.

    • shastakoala

      When do the next podium races begin?

    • Me not sure

      Why is the old children’s tune “Pop Goes The Weasel” running through my head?

  • Manhattan123

    Nothing says Biblical like President Pussy Grabber.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      All the good prophets were great pussy grabbers.

  • Yellerduck

    OT and OOTW: The Mooch is out at the White House.

    • Michael R

      UPDATE, 2:38 p.m.: Katherine Faulders at ABC News spoke to White House sources who confirmed that Scaramucci is no longer working at the White House in any capacity.

    • Me not sure

      Kelly?

    • Yr. Gma

      Huh? #fakenews?

  • “Don’t worry about my resignation, you let me worry about blank.”

    • Ωbjectifier

      Nothing really matters
      Anyone can see
      Nothing really matters
      To me

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Katy Tur can’t stop smiling.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I would absolutely LOVE to be a fly on the wall in Rachel’s office right about now (or, say, twenty minutes or so ago)….

      • Sally

        Can hardly wait to get him e this evening and watch her!

  • William

    The Mooch was spotted at a local supermarket. https://youtu.be/86hwvNWwSL4?list=PLu8c8OcUBmtKwOVkOqvo-4l4ln-tuo5Nc

    • therblig

      a-ru-gu-la. it’s a veg-e-ta-ble

  • GreenGoldSharpie

    On the plus side. Moochy probably hasn’t set up his office yet.

    Or, if he has, I bet he can rescue the boxes from the dumpster out back if it isn’t still on fire.

  • Another of Trump’s many “Your money’s on the dresser. Let yourself out.”
    No wife. No job. Fucked by President Pussgrab. Poor Mooch.

    • I always thought when he had a prostitute he claimed they didn’t do a good enough job and told them that if they wanted money, they could sue him.

  • Mavenmaven

    OT: the generals have taken control, the mooche is out.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Please be careful. I can see the interwebs are on fire this afternoon.

  • Bitter Scribe

    So somebody can be too vulgar even for Trump. Who knew?

    • Bill D. Burger

      He seemed like the perfect ‘Apprentice’ too…also.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      No, no, too vulgar for Kelly. And too “answers directly to the President” for Kelly, also. But of course KELLY will be out in a couple of months, and Trump will bring his fellow gutter-dweller back.

    • Catstro

      More like The Mooch’s attention whoring was competing with Trump’s attention whoring
      Edit: I know the ousting was done by Kelly, but I thought he’d be out in under a month anyway

      • I honestly thought Mooch would last until October.

        • Sally

          Why? o one else will.

      • Yr. Gma

        This is it. I knew those two narcissists would not be able to compete without one of them nuking the other. (Donnie has the nukes.)

    • shastakoala

      I thought vulgar was a requirement.

      • Steve Cole

        I propose the unit of vulgarity to be known as “the mooch”.

    • therblig

      the bar has been raised one angstrom.

  • Joe Beese
    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Tony went fishing….

    • Mooch haz a Sadz nao.

      Good.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Is that a fly on his flag pin?

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Nothing really matters
      Nothing really matters
      To Meeeeeeeeee

    • Sally

      He and Jared and Junior would make a great prison trio.

  • diogenez

    Is that why Mooch is out??

    Hahahahahaha

    • CripesAmighty

      I suspect it went something like this:
      Kelly: “YOU! GREASEBALL! OUT!”

      • Sally

        So he didn’t have time to fire anyone after all?

  • Mooch is out!
    “The WH doesn’t need a Communications Director cause 45 has Tweeter” propaganda on FOX, Breitbart, Rush in 3,2,1…..

  • NOW can we do the fandango?!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Thunderbolt and lightening! Very, very frightening!

  • Bill D. Burger
    • GreenGoldSharpie

      “I hate your fucking guts, cuck.”
      “Same to you, you fat fuck. Just keep laughing.”

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        “Look, we hate each other but honestly, we both hate the Mooch even more and that gives us this warm fellow-feeling”

    • Wild Cat

      “Reince, you closeted ol’ pooftah, you, my tongue is so long from jamming it down a Jim Beam bottle, I also have this ability to self-rim . . . “

  • Joe Beese

    No chaos! Everything going according to plan!

    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/891998881009061888

  • Michael R

    .
    Was that all a clownish distraction ?

    While Trump and ‘Mooch’ were creating diversions — lawmakers heard explosive testimony in Russia probe

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/07/while-trump-and-mooch-were-creating-diversions-lawmakers-heard-explosive-testimony-in-russia-probe/

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      I can totally believe that. This whole administration is Trump heavingly, pantingly running away, strewing chairs behind him.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I was going to say that if that’s true, the “president’ asked the Mooch to take a breathtakingly horrible beating – losing his WS job, his wife, and his dignity inside of a week – on his behalf . . . but if it’s true and what we saw from Mooch is his normal persona on display, no one deserved it more.

        • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

          I think the losing the wife part was long in the works, and he never had any dignity, so it’s just that DJT hired him for the spectacle, but his arrogance (or his coke habit, allegedly, with votes) got in the way. I also heard that he informed Kelly that he still answered directly to the President and Kelly was all “reclaiming my time.” Kelly probably had gotten some blanket assurance from Trump that “everyone would answer to Kelly” and then Trump was perfectly happy to have the Mooch be part of that NEW spectacle. Scaramucci got his 15 minutes and will probably show up now on Fox News or whatever.

  • GreenGoldSharpie

    Does this mean no pressers in front of Satriale’s Pork Store?

  • Bad Tom
  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    “Press Secretary Mooch did a TERIFIC job and will be missed by everyone. Esp. me. No chaos at WH.” #DeletedTrumpTweets

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Priebus and Spicer smiled at each other ironically.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      They and Pence chuckled to themselves as they prepared for the next White House, perhaps in a couple of months. Maybe the bible orgy is part of their coup.

  • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

    The thing is, Mark Burnett, for all his assholery, is a really gifted producer and hired a really good staff. This is what happens when the cast of a TV show forgets that it needs the producer and writers, and tries to spin off on its own.

  • calliecallie

    Need a new thread for the Scaramucci breaking news, because I feel I cannot do justice to this Bible Study fucking bullshit here just now.
    Having said that, though, just not sure who to ask about this, God or the Founding Fathers. But a sign of disapproval is completely called for from somewhere. A bolt of lightening, a modest earthquake, a little ghostly caterwauling. Something. Please?

      • Beanz&Berryz

        A week and a half… not even time for episode two…

        • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

          Yeah, sometimes they pull a character after only one appearance if they’ve decided to cast a bigger character.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            OSD – Off screen death/departure… “He’s off to work on his marriage”

      • Old town Urbandale

        And with that, Siri no longer recites the rest of the lyrics if you ask, “Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?”

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      ” Bible Study fucking bullshit”

      That’s pretty good. Succinct, profane, accurate.

    • Sally

      Don;t let it be a natural disaster. My state had severe flooding and has asked for federal disaster assistance. Wanna bet we don’t get a dime to fix our roads, bridges and sewer system? Trump is WAY too busy looking int he mirror and tweeting his praise of Trump.

    • Elendira

      I hear North Carolina is getting fucked up right now!.

      But, seriously, I hope everything is okay on the outlying islands and normalcy (such as it is) will be restored shortly

  • Ilgattomorte

    “He’ll (Jeff Sessions) go out the same day I teach him something and I’ll see him do it on camera and I just think, ‘Wow, these guys are faithful, available and teachable and they’re at Bible study every week they’re in town,’”

    If that’s true, the only possible explanation is they must be running the bible study using CliffsNotes. You miss a lot of the detail of the text that way and it’s real easy to confuse “Love thy brother” with “Deport all the Mexicans”.

    A similar thing happened to me with a report on “Anna Karenina”.

  • Wild Cat

    Well, it’s only a matter of time before the journos at Wonkette get the call to serve their pockets . . . erm, nation . . .

  • Joe Beese

    Handle!

    And during a meeting with Cabinet officials Monday morning, Trump told reporters that “we’ll handle North Korea. We’ll be able to handle North Korea. It will be handled. We handle everything.”

    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/07/31/trump-abe-agree-to-action-against-north-korea-241156

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      He must have a “Third-Grade-Level Word of the Day” Calendar.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Oh my goooodddddd…

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      You can’t handle your own fucking staff, you pathetic, incompetent, puling, ignorant, weak excuse for a human being.

    • Lark_in_the_AM

      Oh jebus . . . better build that fallout shelter now.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      No handling! No handling! YOU’RE the handle!

    • MynameisBlarney

      Jesus fucking christ.

    • yyyaz

      I don’t even want to check the bookie boards for the odds on when the Tomahawks are launched.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    Mooch lost his dignity, his wife, and then his job, all in a week and a half.

    A warning to job applicants in Trump’s White House: some job opportunities come with too high a price.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      What? He did?

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Wait – Mooch had dignity?!?!?

    • BigCSouthside

      Couldn’t have happened to a better guy

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      He never had any dignity; he lost his wife months ago (missing the birth of their baby just now was simply part of that); and the job was doomed, which surely he knew as well.

  • Dutchman
  • Master Contrail Program

    At this rate Donnie’s next press flack will have to be one of those flailing tubemen from a used car lot. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/11de326f349c451d705bbd594721dc879269a3b742241643a9693642dadd48da.gif

    • GreenGoldSharpie
    • alpacapunchbowl

      I have watched this scene several times over the years and I still cannot for the life of me figure out how Dee’s dance perfectly matches the used car lot dancing guy.

      • Master Contrail Program

        My guess is it’s wired up to simulate her movements, but that ruins the magic.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          It does a bit, but at the same time, that’s still pretty damn impressive that she can do such a convincing simulation.

  • SkinlessGenderlessMan

    “So what happens now?
    Another suitcase in another hall
    So what happens now?
    Take your picture off another wall
    Where am I going to?
    You’ll get by, you always have before
    Where am I going to?”

    Broadway has all the answers. Always…

  • SayItWithWookies

    What does the Bibble say about slander, lying and collusion? No, not about whether it’s sinful – does it have any tips on doing them better?

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      If anything, perhaps when this administration crashes down in endless disgrace, perhaps this will shine a brighter light on these cockroach “evangelicals” and what they really are.

  • Indiepalin

    Maybe now Springsteen will write a song about Scaramucci.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      The Ghost of Tom Choad

    • Bill D. Burger

      “Gory Daze”

    • BreakingDeadMen

      His epic about the Trump admin, Blunder Road

      • Bill D. Burger

        The Failing

        • BreakingDeadMen

          Pennsylvania Avenue Fuck Up

          • Bill D. Burger

            Screaming in the Dark

      • Bill D. Burger
        • Pilotshark

          Oh I am on fire
          Sometimes, it’s like trump got elected i took a knife, baby, edgy and dull
          And cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my skull
          oh we are on fire.

    • Bill D. Burger

      We could just use ‘Out in the Street’ today.

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      Born to Run Away

      • Bill D. Burger

        Help___I’m On Fire

  • BreakingDeadMen

    If you had Scaramucci in the dead pool, go collect your winnings.

    • Steve Cole

      Is the divorce still on?

      • BreakingDeadMen

        For the kid’s sake I hope so

      • Beanz&Berryz

        How about the sale of his company? What will that Chinese outfit get from over-paying so much now?

    • janecita

      Damn, I had Sessions!

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Hang in there, he may be next

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    OT but I bet you know what it’s about.

    Ha. Haaa. Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!

  • Carole

    Psst. That’s a TINKLING cymbal.

  • OrG

    Oh, mooch no one even got to play you on SNL. :(

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Fuck it, we can just watch Pesci.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    I’m picturing utter chaos in the Chat Cave.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      If chaos equals can’t stop laughing, then yes.

  • Frankly, I’m going to miss The Mooch. He was a perfect representative for the trump White House and all that is fucked up about it.

    Even the idiots knew he was an idiot.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Scaramucci lost his wife, job and the man he loves in the past few hours. He’ll be trying to suck his own cock for the foreseeable future.

  • BosGrl

    You’ve got to hand it to these guys, though. Any one of us would be humiliated. They leverage it.

  • TheGrandWazoo2
  • renegade500

    I can’t even with the Mooch. I mean, on the one hand, yay, he was unbelievably unprofessional and incompetent, even by Trump standards. But on the other hand, oh there was so much comedy gold.

    I wonder if this is a record.

  • John Thorstensen

    Late in the evolution of a massive star, energy losses from the core accelerate dramatically as neutrino emission grows greater and greater; the nuclear fusion goes faster and faster as the temperature climbs. In the penultimate stage, after millions of years of evolution, the core is converted from silicon to iron in only a few days.

    In the final phase, the core collapses to a neutron star in only one second, and the rest of the star explodes into a gigantic supernova.

    One can only hope the analogy is a good one.

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    That sound you hear is that of my freude being schadened

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    The only bad part of this news is how pleased President Bannon is right now.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      He just came in his mouth.

    • Mavenmaven

      This is beginning of the reign of the generals. They will restore discipline to the white house, too many threats to America to allow civilians to make decisions right now, etc. Bannon is probably restricted to his office for now.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        How sad is it that a military coup seems better than the alternative of leaving this admin in charge?

        • Mavenmaven

          We’ll see. Not sure we won’t go into full junta mode with violence, etc.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Mooch is leaving to spend more time with his wife’s attorney?

    • Les Appentis De la résistance

      Jesus, I spend 2 hours trying to do real work and Wonkette blows up.

  • IdiotsforPalin

    I bet Moochie is luvin him some Donald right now………

  • Suse

    Mucho Scary will be snorting all the coke he can get his hands on.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      COCAINE IS FOR CLOSERS ONLY, MOOCH

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        Always. Be. Cocksucking

        • BreakingDeadMen

          I would be laughing out loud right now if I wasn’t at work

          • You should ice that burn

            Your devotion to decorum at the workplace is admirable..

  • Ezio
    • Bebecca

      and he gave so much to Donald in the week he worked for him, too. Why he missed the birth of his baby. Now that is a dedicated employee.

  • Ωbjectifier

    This is bad news for Mario Cantone.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    But I thought Mooch was Ivanka and Jared’s handpicked whatever. I thought they haz power and political capital. It’s like nobody even listens to them anymore.

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    Somewhere in DC, Sean Spicer is doing the “Toldjaso” dance.

  • Baconzgood
  • GreenGoldSharpie
    • Beanz&Berryz

      There are better beers…

      • GreenGoldSharpie

        It’s Spicey.

        • BreakingDeadMen

          Right, so he isn’t even drinking something that good.

          • Résistance Land Shark Ω

            Schaffer or GTFO

          • yyyaz

            “When you’re having more than one.”

          • BreakingDeadMen

            Does Pabst make a lite product?

          • ryp

            He looks like a Coors Light drinker.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Yeah, but it’s Mexican.

    • Beautiful Soup

      Have we forgotten Reince so soon?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Now we’ll have to listen to Rachel bitch about having to throw out the A-block and start from scratch.

    • yyyaz

      The end of Mooch’s 15 minutes will be old news by the time she opens tonight.

  • The Wanderer

    By the Invincible Mustache of Emmanuel Goldstein, Scaramouche has lost his head. I expected him to last six months before Trump tossed him into the shitter.

    Dammit, I lose the pool.

  • Looks like da Mooch backed the wrong whores.

  • I can tell you what it’s really like.

    You pray. You sing a few songs. You pray again. Pastor gets up and explains how God wants us to be holy like He is holy, which, in practice, means no unauthorized fucking, no butt stuff, no abortions. Also, Jesus loves him capitalism and pew pew pew and war heroes who don’t get captured. Jesus loves law and order. If a man doesn’t work, he doesn’t eat. Violence in schools is because Jesus is mad we don’t have teacher led prayer to him anymore.

    Sing another song, pass the collection plate and pray one more time. Amen.

  • It’s the avocado principal:

    “I only hire the best people. My people are like ripe avocados, one day they’re perfect and the next day you throw ’em out.”

    trump prefers whackamole to guacamole.

  • William

    It’s being reported that the Mooch was made to leave because he was bitten by the Bannon zombie https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/051cd50253122c5e8b7ee4d5e281f3c9b25afec9834254b6b8408ab594b7dff3.jpg

  • Suse

    New Mooch thread is up.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    This situation could be our fault, y’all. Maybe someone got wind of the “Is the Mooch really a Hillary plant, or just a moran” article and ran it up the chain of command.
    Just sayin.

  • Bebecca

    They subscribe to the prosperity gospel, you know the one that says the richer you are the more jesus loves you.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      That one also apparently lacks the entire gospel of Matthew from what I can tell (you know, the one that says Judge not, lest ye be judged, and, Even as ye have done to the least of these so ye have done to Me.. )

  • mardam422

    If I were Steve Bannon I’d be cumming in my own mouth right about now.

    • Yr. Gma

      Ew.

  • Reximus

    Isn’t it bliss?
    Don’t you approve?
    One who keeps tearing around
    One who can’t move
    Where are the clowns?
    Send in the clowns

    Don’t bother
    They’re here

  • Yr. Gma

    Is the new Moochie thread up yet?

    • Suse

      yes

  • AJ Milne

    ( Laughs again at Trump Tweet on Obama three chiefs/three years.)

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I am deeply offended by the content and tenor of this post. Good day, sir! {Grabs Bible and jar of personal lubricant} I have a… congregation to attend.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Make them FEEL the POWER of the LORD!

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Oh, Mercy!

        • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

          The will beg for it, but do not spare the ROD.

          • yyyaz

            Behold my living stream of righteousness!

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Let the truth spurt forth – yea, unto all nations!

  • Suse

    Here comes Sarah in her horrid red dress. NM -clip from last week.

    • yyyaz

      I prefer my devils with a blue dress.

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        or green

  • La forza del resistino

    Wonder if his WH days memoir book deal is based on the number of pages.

  • Jenny

    What! Get Low! Cross it like it’s communion, what! Get low!” “All you fine ass bitches better get on your knees and get craaaazy.”

    “Turn around, bitch, show Jesus whatcha working with.”

    Excerpts from Lil John’s Christian Crunk Party. Hear the full version at the next white house bible party!

  • Bill D. Burger

    Lost his jerb’ and his wife in one week. SAD

    bwweahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      OTOH, a child was born who might be his, so there’s that.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • William
    • britishvoiceman

      And the Spartans all wore Speedos – who knew?

  • eka

    “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock.”

    number one survival rule in the trump administration: don’t fuck with steve bannon.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab.

    Numbers 22:21

  • Bill D. Burger

    Mooch is gone! Calls for a Rum and Coke toast but I got no coke or even a straw man.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I’ll lift my Mount Gay and lime (sans coke) to that. “Clusterfucks forever!”….

  • Aileen

    The Evangelicals enthusiasm for what must be the most unethical and un-Jesusy administration in recent memory (I’m willing to concede that Caligula may have been worse) really helps me feel all smug and morally superior about my atheism.

    • cats530

      I just love the sordid details of the holier-than-thou sex scandals though. Quite delicious.

      • Aileen

        It’s true. There’s a direct correlation between level of public piety and sordidness of sex scandal.

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    The national GOP leadership lacks the moral authority of the Borgia popes. Can’t pray that taint away.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    This makes sense. Both the bible and the white house contain talking donkeys. And talking snakes.

  • CripesAmighty
    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Assistants at these services gently remove the congregant’s wallets as they help them to their feet.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    I just realized. Kellyanne backed the way wrong horse here, of course with the ever-relevant Jeanine Pirro.

    Kellyanne Conway expressed high hopes that new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci will “force the message” of the administration past the distractions.

    Scaramucci will “force the message through so that people stop talking about the nonsense, the garbage that doesn’t create a single job” the counselor to the president said on “Justice with Judge Jeanine”Saturday.

    • TJ Barke

      This administration’s message is a distraction…

    • bbayliss

      Already down the memory hole.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I’m going to guess not so much with Bannon.

    • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

      Kellyanne Conjob (aka Kelly Orwelly) needs to fire her mortician.

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    Does this mean Mooch will miss this week’s Bible study?

  • Bobathonic

    Meh, it’s more or less like sucking your own cock, but spiritually.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • Oblios_Cap

      They’ll be sending his box of personal effects to his studio apt. in NYC.

  • unmasked mumbler

    Pay no attention to that collusion of church and state behind the curtain.

  • tkingt

    Pence recently held a prayer meeting in the Vice President’s residence. He proclaimed “if we reject the glory of Donald Trump we risk eternity in the fires of hell.” Wow.

  • Oblios_Cap

    “Mike Pence has uncompromising biblical tenacity”

    Translation: He’s a total fucking douchebag.

  • Xraygrrl

    It is no coincidence that the most “Godly” administration also happens to be the most incompetent.

    • cats530

      Well, with an imaginary sky-being as their “co-pilot” that makes sense.

  • Adam Field

    > FACTCHECK: Mike Pence is TOTALLY a noisy gong and a clanging cymbal, by which we mean fuck him sideways.

    Hey, if that’s what you’re into… personally, I think screwing either of those objects, from any direction, sounds rather painful, and not at all enjoyable. (Fun fact: I almost said “banging”, then realized my mistake just in time.)

  • Luckily, there is a Bible passage that applies to Today’s Bible Orgies…

    Numbers 25

    The Orgy at Shittim 😂

  • wandajayne

    Jimmy Carter still teaches Sunday School. Until this faux-Xtian group invites former President Carter to teach the lessons…they continue to be nothing but a room full of false prophets. Surprised there hasn’t been reports of spontaneous combustion…

  • SCK
    • Rickyphoo

      Absolutely nasty, hilarious song! I love Garfunkel and Oates! And having met some of my cousins’ Church of Christ friends, I find it oh, so true. Those bible pounders really like to do the nasty when Jebus isn’t watching.

  • ken_kukec

    During the campaign, Trump said he’d never sought the good Lord’s forgiveness — because the two of ’em have a mutual non-aggression pact, just like the one Hitler & Stalin had in 1939. (ALLEGEDLY)

  • Hemp Dogbane

    In the olden days kids would neuter corn with uncompromising biblical tenacity.

  • Professor Fate

    “I teach him something and I’ll see him do it on camera ”
    What? Lie to congress? He already knew how to do that.

  • Internet Hitler

    That time a weeping Crooked Donald was comforted in the Oval Orifice by the ghost of Rasputin.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/51e8f998aa73aaa9504f3001cf587309582ae5c9f8c811efcef03decd45bcf2e.jpg

    • God Emperor Emeritus

      Hobbit Trump. Still gross.

    • bbayliss

      “Not many people know, Rasputin had a big dick…It was yuuuge, and he wouldn’t die. Believe me, he wouldn’t die,and they tried everything but he just wouldn’t die, they shot him, poisoned him, sliced and diced him with a knife, shot him some more but he wouldn’t die, can you believe it? He wouldn’t die, never saw anything like it, tossed him in the river, still wouldn’t die, the guy just didn’t know how to die, of course this was Russia in the middle ages, so practically everybody knew how to die, but not him.
      He just wouldn’t die.”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Nobody knows this. I know this. Terrific. Believe me. Great day.

    • armed_bears

      Sorry…. that’s Kenny Loggins.

      • Nena

        Look at the profile. It’s Rowan Atkinson.

        • britishvoiceman

          A very tall Rowan Atkinson – the real one’s an inch or shorter than Trump.

          • Nena

            Mr. Atkinson has been known to wear heels, has he not?

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist
  • Professor Fate

    to quote from that very book they all thump so loudly:
    Matthew 6.5 New International Version
    “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.”

  • Swampgas_Man

    Hey, if I worked in this administration, I’d be prayin’ hard too!

    • Professor Fate

      that reminds me of the story that one day somebody saw WC Fields reading the bible and he was shocked.
      “Bill” he said “You’re reading the bible? Why?”
      “Looking for loopholes” Fields said in his drawl.

    • cats530

      They are preyin’ hard.

  • ken_kukec

    “… Mike Pence, the vice president of America who calls his wife ‘Mother’ …”

    As did St. Ronnie, IIRC. A sure sign (let us hope) that a couple’s no longer making the beast with two backs. (Hell, since that one time she spelled out her father’s name, I can barely bring myself to ask mine “Who’s your daddy?”)

    • Clark_Nova

      As in “Hmm, you’re right, let me tell the Second Mother this has been done?”

      • bbayliss

        “but the second mother was with the seventh son…”

    • bbayliss

      i believe he called he “mommy”

  • ken_kukec

    It’s an Xtian shanda fur die goyim for these clowns to pull this superstitious nonsense in front of Jared and Ivanka.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      So, an added bonus for them!

  • pgjack

    This is dangerous. The American Taliban in charge of the country? War is coming.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      See you at the barricades, tovarisch

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    This better the fuck not be happening on government property that I am paying for.

    • Bill Diaz

      You are incorrect, the government is required to make reasonable religious accommodations available. They have a right to be stupid, just not a right to make you stupid too.

      Have a great day!

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Glad to hear there are also accommodations for Muslim cleanliness rituals, Torah study, and Wiccan sabbaths. You ease my mind o-O

        Also see @KeithTaylor, next comment below.

        • Bill Diaz

          There are though. Granted, I live in Vermont, but there are facilities available here in schools and government buildings to permit religious observance.

          I dont touch the stuff myself, but I do believe that religious beliefs should be accommodated. The local HS has a fairly large immigrant and refugee population with a sizable percentage of Islamic faith.

          Again, this is the ‘802’, so maybe it isnt like that everywhere, but none of my kid’s friends got hassled or reported any problems at school (which I think is cool). Outside of school, it was a different story, acceptance is never a uniform trait, lol.

          Have a great day!

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            I understand your viewpoint, but I disagree. There is no impediment for adults to find a place to hold worship or religious study. There are zero barriers to religious activities in literally every place in America. Putting “extracurricular” religious activity in a non-school government facility (i.e. things other than praying, prayer prep and other strictly individual observances) should not be allowed. Especially with something like this, you cannot avoid the appearance is of an establishment of religion, and an endorsement, by high government officials OF a particular religion in an unambiguously government context. Especially when you’ve made it explicit that you believe that the U.S. is a Christian nation. I would make an exception for student religious activities in public schools, as long as it is not for the purpose of proselytizing on school grounds, because of the unique barriers students face in finding such spaces, and the central importance of school geography to kids. But otherwise, no. Keep your religion off my government property.

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            I’m a member of a minority religious community. I have faced this shit all my life. Christians need to keep their pants zipped.

  • cats530

    “But Betsy DeVos and Jeff Sessions and Rick Perry and Sonny Perdue and
    Tom Price and Mike Pompeo go. Oh, and Mike Pence wants to come too, when
    he has time.”

    Can I prey for their gawd to smite them? I think a nice meteorite right through the roof of Babble study would be good. Make sure Pence is in attendance first, though.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      I like your thought process.

  • BadKitty904
    • Keith Taylor

      The first one!

  • nightmoth

    I clicked on the link and saw that Evan must watch Pat Robertson’s 700 Club so we don’t have to. There was a very weird quote in the story: “I don’t think Donald Trump has figured out that he chained himself to the Apostle Paul,” Drollinger said. WTF?

  • Jgb979

    Did Bannon make time to go to bible school before or after orally pleasuring himself

    Below: Bannon approaching bible study class
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LO3KlIShoHo

  • sweet freedom
    • SDGeoff3

      Several years ago, during the Dubya Debacle, Al Sharpton was on a panel discussing the government’s disdain for the have-nots. Someone in the so-called administration had, as a weapon, quoted the words of Jesus, “the poor you will always have with you”. Rev. Al took a breath and said something along the lines of, When Jesus spoke those words, it was not an endorsement of an economic policy. It was a lament.
      That is still etched in my earworm repertoire.

  • Suse

    Isn’t this a constitutional violation – church/state and all that?

    • SDGeoff3

      That will be revealed.

    • Khavrinen

      No, no, see the onlyimportant part of the Constitution is the Second Amendment. You can just ignore the rest of that shit.

  • Suse

    Get ready for President Pastor Pence.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      You might have those titles in the wrong order.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    FACTCHECK: Mike Pence is TOTALLY a noisy gong and a clanging cymbal

    I think of him as more of a Guiro ^^^ when it comes to percussion instruments.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8guPQHkC-Eg

    • SDGeoff3

      And what the hell is this pig supposed to be singing?

    • Zyxomma

      Guiro LIBELZ!!!1!

    • handyhippie65

      where’s auto tune when you need it.

  • Ricky Gay

    Later they take turns polishing the Bishop

    • bbayliss

      1 Samuel 14:27 – But Jonathan had not heard when his father put the people under oath; therefore, he put out the end of the staff that was in his hand and …

      • Ricky Gay

        and?! Don’t leave it hanging! ;)

        • Snarkbot 9000

          Is this where Ezekiel 25:17 comes in?

          • Skadi

            Or 2 Samuel 1:26.

    • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

      I believe that it’s called choking the bishop.

      After all, some things you gotta hold up.

      • Ricky Gay

        Great, a Presbyterian.

        • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

          I’m a Jew.

          I got “choking the bishop” from American Beauty.

          • Ricky Gay

            It was a Protestant joke. I was raised Methodist. :)

      • Xylem

        No, it’s “bopping the bishop,” and “choking the chicken.”

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    After years of pontificating about the sanctity of marriage and railing against profanity, the Krishchunz voted for a twice divorced man who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino.

  • Blanche Beecham

    Just because the King James Version was a government funded project of Church and State to unite the country, doesn’t mean the USA needs to do the same – because we unite with freedom of religion and the scriptures that go along with that. Also, nothing in the Bible about going to hell for calling someone a self taint licking mutha fuker,

    • goingohm

      I always like to comfort my Christian acquaintances by inquiring whether they think King James got his ghey all over his bible. Fuck him anyway. He made my family Irish. We didn’t get better.

    • britishvoiceman

      As a Brit ex-pat, I find it more than a little ironic that, unlike the US, the UK not only as no separation of Church and State, one of the monarch’s official titles is actually “Defender of the Faith” (i.e. Protestant Christianity), but the only people actively attempting to ram their religion down the throats of others in the UK are Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses from the US.

      • Blanche Beecham

        That isn’t ironic, it is proof that this kind of stupidity is passed down generation to generation. Remember that everybody ( or just a whole lot ) with that kind of mindset left the UK and came to the colonies to breed and thrive, which is why we needed the separation of church and state as well as a superiority complex.

        • britishvoiceman

          There’s a wonderful quote from an Australian pm a few years ago. I haven’t been able to trace it online, so this not verbatim, but it’s pretty close: “Australia got England’s convicts, the US got their religious nuts. Personally I think we got the better deal.”

  • UnsaltedSinner

    That gives me a flashback to the olden days.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLmPvrcoAmg

  • Money is the one, true religion of cons.

    • Wee Mousie

      Also. too, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into Happy Jesusland.

      • A big pile of money is one of the Evil One’s favorite tools.

    • AuntyMaude

      God is great. God is green.

  • RMKH

    I don’t know why anyone is surprised. DeVo and Half-Pence have made no secret of their devotion, and in their particular sects proselytizing is part of the gig.

    Me, I pray every day at my taxpayer desk. I pray for these clowns to be raptured toot suite.

  • azeyote

    some people are just beyond weird –

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      And not in the good way.

  • SDGeoff3

    If we borry a bible from Wonkette, will it come hollowed out, with a flask?

    • Keith Taylor

      Just don’t borrow it from a rabid right-winger. It’ll be hollowed out, all right, but there will be a pistol in the cavity.

  • Zyxomma

    Matthew 5-6: 5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

    • Keith Taylor

      Yes! That’s the passage I was trying to remember from those long ago days when I was really into Sunday School! Thank you!
      Seem to remember a lot of other stuff about hypocrites and whited sepulchres all rotten and disgusting on the inside which might apply too.

      • Skadi

        They’ll just tell you that passage doesn’t apply to them because they’re not in a synagogue or on a street corner. And the whited sepulchres are obviously mainline denominations who have the nerve to call themselves Christian but don’t vote Republican.

        This is what is meant by “taking the Bible literally”.

    • Wookie Monster

      But how will people know that these republicans are super Christians unless they loudly proclaim it on every street corner?

      What do expect them to do? Help the poor and the sick?

      • Zyxomma

        I help the poor and sick, and I’m not a Christian.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Yes, hypocrites. That is the word.

      • britishvoiceman

        Hypochristians.

  • The Wanderer

    Okay, who’s got the consecrated oil?

    http://divine-interventions.com/images/JesusFront.jpg

    • Bill Diaz

      Water based lubricants are superior. Can you get holy Astro-Glide?

      Have a great day!

    • Jim Gormley

      O. M. G. I am an unrepentant pagan…and I had not thought of this! Well done!

  • “Old Ralph will make him put that wretched sausage in his mouth once again.”

    – Frank Zappa, “Jezebel Boy”

  • “He’ll (Jeff Sessions) go out the same day I teach him something and I’ll see him do it on camera and I just think, ‘Wow, these guys are faithful, available and teachable and they’re at Bible study every week they’re in town,’” Drollinger said.
    Anyone else remember the Republicans freaking the fuck out because Kennedy might put his religion ahead of the country?

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Very clearly. But then, he was a heathen Catholic, not a proper God-fearing teavangelical.

      • Wookie Monster

        So is that guy from Kansas, but they all love themselves some Brownback.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          Maybe they think he doesn’t really mean it. He certainly ACTS like some sort of fundie.

          • Wookie Monster

            Nah, but many conservative Catholics, from Bobby J to Rick-Don’t-Goggle-My-Last-Name have learned to speak fluent fundie.

    • Keith Taylor

      Drollinger. (Pauses. Seeks acceptable words and phrases that will not get him deleted or banned outright, for good. Pauses some more. Thinks some more.) I have nothing.

  • wavicles

    And those guys all know that Jesus likes it when ya bareback.

  • norcalOG

    Fair to say your average 8 year old Vacation Bible School attendee is better versed in the Bible than Trump. Probably better versed in history, geography, math…..

    • britishvoiceman

      And the Constitution.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    I, personally, have no problem with people wanting to apply the Bible to everyday life. As long as I get to pick the Bible and explain to everyone what it means. I think that’s fair.

  • Joe Hill

    I used to work @ a place that had a “bible study” group. My buddy and I, confirmed atheists, used to get pressured by the bible thumpers on a weekly basis. So we made a CD cover with a picture of white jesus, you know, the blue eyed, golden haired one, and titled it “Bible Versus”. One of the “true believers” came by and saw it on the desk. He asked if he could play it at their next coven. Of course we said yes. The thing is, it was a CD full of Jerky Boys. They stopped asking us after that…

    • H0mer0

      [nice]

  • James Lamere

    Nothing like a good bible-slobbering as cover for this rape of America and the Constitution .

    • Keith Taylor

      Yes.

  • Petunia Cat

    “Bible orgy” -> blorgy.

    A Canadian comment: we don’t have any of that shit in public in politics in Canada. I am not bragging. Oh wait no I am. We did have one of these born-again types and a right winger as PM for awhile. But he was really rigid and ineffective. And didn’t bring religion into public life. Irony: we don’t have separation of church and state in Canada. ☹️ And I wish we did.

  • AuntyMaude

    Wrap yourself in the flag, and staple? the bible to your hands. Needs work.

  • Odd Jørgensen
  • abstract668

    If I worked in the White House I would lead a study using the Jefferson Bible. If you haven’t seen it, do look it up. Jefferson took a couple of New Testaments and cut out all the magic stuff and left the Jesus stories about love one another and lilies of the field, judge not, etc. This was in the days before TV and twitter, so he had time to do his own edit on the Jesus stories. It’s a bible worthy of study.

  • Keith Taylor

    I’m personally a skeptic, just slightly this side of atheism, and even so I’ll bet money I read the Bible more than Trump does and have a better idea of what it contains. (Not much of a boast, I’ll own. The man is a known and diagnosed illiterate.)
    But this is terrifying, not funny, in view of the fact that the man promoting these Bible studies and religious fundamentalism in government is Pastor Ralph Drollinger, Jeff Sessions’ spiritual puppet master and a man whose ideal politician is Michele Bachmann. Drollinger, who along with other charming views has described Catholicism as “the world’s largest false religion”. I’m inclined to see the phrase “false religion” as a tautology, myself. The idea that Drollinger’s own religion is any less false deserves nothing but a horse laugh.
    Sessions has declared — his own words here — that separation of church and state is “an extra-constitutional doctrine” and “a recent thing that is unhistorical and unconstitutional.” He’s going directly against the First Amendment AND President Thomas Jefferson there. And he’s the bloody Attorney General!
    You citizens of a country I love and admire are facing a deliberate, nefarious scheme at the highest levels, with a lot of ignorant grassroots support, to finish separation of church and state — one of the best political inspirations anybody ever had — and install a crude, ridiculous theocracy instead. Anybody who points that out in blunt language gets accused by the fundamentalist loons who want this, actually want it, of being an anti-Christian Satanist.
    They believe it’s a struggle between God and Satan, not a matter of worldly politics and worldly power, and that Donald Trump was appointed by God to save America. Or rather, they don’t believe it, they know it! I just came to Wonkette from the Trump Channel, and I will say again, it’s terrifying.
    I’m repelled by fundamentalist Islam — who isn’t, including most Muslims, I would reckon? — but as vicious and scary as its murders are, the U.S.A. is in no danger whatsoever of being taken over by that particular nutball monstrous movement. Muslims make up one per cent of the U.S.A.’s population. One per cent. Actually a little less. People who declare themselves Christian amount to seventy per cent. The Evangelical Protestants come to a bit over twenty-five per cent. One American in four, and they have a shill in the Oval Office who doesn’t give a damn about any religion or worship anything but his own ego and money, and they have other shills among the highest-placed, most powerful in the land, the Attorney General included, pushing their agenda. Without scruple, without honour, and for sure without compassion. Also without regard for the Constitution they swore to uphold.
    These prats are the most dangerous kind of enemies to freedom, the enemies within.
    If I were a praying man, I’d be praying they fall hard and far. In fact I may go pray for that anyway. Just not sure who to. When Judgement Day comes, if they ever hold it, we may find that the Lapland shamans had the right handle on the supernatural all the time.

    • Mr. White

      Well said and terrifyingly on-point.

      • britishvoiceman

        x2

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      I found that ironically more skeptics and Athetists have actually read and know whats in the Bible than a lot of Christians. More than a few Athetists are Athetists because of that.

      • randomhookup

        I read the Bible for all the lust and killing going on. It’s messy!

        • Alexander Stallwitz

          I tell people that the most messed up book you can let a child read is the bible. It has a man killed by having a tentpole driven into his head and a woman devoured by wild dogs. Forget Catcher in the Rye or Harry Potter, the bible can screw up your kid good

          • britishvoiceman

            Also, contrary to what “pro-life” Christians would have you believe, the Bible is definitely NOT anti-abortion and has numerous references to life beginning at first breath and NONE stating it begins at conception.
            In addition, the anti-LGBT religious bigots conveniently ignore the fact that there is no record of Jesus saying a single word on the subject of homosexuality, much less condemning it.

          • Newzheimer

            Mighty convenient for all those gay-haters that they cite Leviticus to justify all their gay-hating. But when reminded of all the other things proscribed in that very same Leviticus, will turn around and say that Jesus and the New Testament replaced and superseded the Old.

          • britishvoiceman

            So true – hardly surprising, since many of them have probably committed adultery at least once.

          • Newzheimer

            …and eat pork and shellfish and mix meat and dairy products and mix fibers and, and, and.

            All things proscribed in Leviticus, but they conveniently seem to ignore in favor of the gay-hating thing.

          • britishvoiceman

            True, but none of those prohibitions carry a death sentence – adultery is clearly viewed as being as serious an offense as homosexuality.

          • Keith Taylor

            Of course those are the milder sadistic bits.

          • britishvoiceman

            And let’s not forget that the Old Testament God reportedly committed the ultimate act of genocide by flooding the earth and killing every living thing on it.

        • Keith Taylor

          Oh, absolutely. Violent little Alex in “Clockwork Orange” read it in prison for that reason, having no other diversions behind bars. “Those old Yehudis who would tolchok each other in gory battles, then have it away with their wives’ handmaidens,” he muses. Corrupt, perverse Gillian in Frank Yerby’s novel of the same name felt the same way. “I like it,” she laughs. “World’s dirtiest book.”
          Of course, if political scandal and corruption interests you more (no accounting for tastes) there is plenty of that, too. The prophet Samuel’s shifty king-making? Jehu’s power grab and wholesale purge of his rivals, not just King Ahab but all seventy of his sons, and King Joram of Israel, the son of Jezebel, for good measure? Jehu goes to meet him for a peace conference, or that’s the pretext, and then shoots him in the back with an arrow. Highly moral and godly stuff …
          And that’s just off the top of my head.

Previous articleSam Brownback Gets The Hell Out Of Dodge
Next articleAnthony Scaramucci HAHAHAHAHA LOLOLOLOL OMG WE ARE DYING HERE