SHARE
HE’S JUST A NORMAL FAMILY MAN (who meets with Russians all the time, no big).

Prince Jared of the Ivanka-Boning Jareds is appearing behind closed doors this week for interviews with the House and Senate intelligence committees (he’s at the Senate RIGHT NOW!), to explain why he’s had one million secret meetings with every Russian who ever lived. In advance of his testimony, he submitted a VERY LONG statement explaining all his Russian contacts, and you can read it all (it is VERY LONG), or you can rely on Wonkette’s summary, which we will throw at your face right now. The short version is that Prince Jared is innocent, and you are mean to even suggest that this son of a seasoned felon who married into a notorious crime family did anything wrong, so shut up, OK? Also, he didn’t do it. And he was washing his cat that day. And he was dead at the time!

First of all, what you need to know is he is brand new at this politics thing, and he didn’t mean to do any bad things, not that he did any bad things in the first place. Also, everything was crazy busy at the time, and it’s hard to remember every single little thing you did, whom you banged (better be just Ivanka!), or whom you might have done a teensy weensy bit of foreign Russian collusion with, not that you did any.

With those things in mind, let’s talk about some Russian meetings!

April 2016, Mayflower Hotel, when Popsy-In-Law read his first big foreign policy speech off the teleprompter.

This meeting comes up frequently! Trump gave a speech where he was very fawning toward Russia, and it was just great! Attorney General (For Now) Jeff Sessions went to the party, and plumb forgetted to remember it when he was testifying for the Senate Judiciary Committee. Paul Manafort was there. Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak was there. ERRYBODY WAS THERE. Trumpers have always said it’s NBD, because all they did was watch a speech, do a meet and greet, drinky some fancy cocktails, and at the end they all bought Pampered Chef from the Pampered Chef lady who came to sell them kitchen knick-knacks.

In Kush’s statement, he says he planned that Russian Pampered Chef party, and confirms FOR FACTUAL that it was a big nothing. He says his contact with the ambassadors who attended (there were four total) was limited, that some of them asked him on lunch dates but he didn’t accept, and he didn’t talk to the Russian ambassador again before the election. (Despite how Reuters says they talked on the phone twice.) Furthermore, Kush says on November 9, 2016, when he got a lovely note from Russia saying “MAZEL TOV FROM VLADIMIR PUTIN!” he wanted to verify it was real, but couldn’t even remember the Russian ambassador’s name. This exonerates Jared Kushner from all wrongdoing, because Americans never have any trouble remembering Russian names, especially when there are Borises and Natalias and Sergeys and Vladimirs FUCKING EVERYWHERE and all their last names have 83 letters, 41 numbers and 16 emojis in them.

Anyway, Jay-K is innocent. PROVE HE’S NOT, FUCKERS.

June 2016, when his freak-faced brother-in-law Don Jr. invited him to a meeting in an email with Russian collusion in the subject line.

GAH THAT MEETING WAS SO STUPID HE TOTALLY FORGOT IT HAPPENED. That’s Jared Kushner’s defense. Earlier in his statement, foreshadowing his excuse for taking a meeting based on an email WITH RUSSIAN COLLUSION IN THE SUBJECT LINE, Kushner says, “I did not have the time to read every [email], especially long emails from unkown senders or email chains to which I was added at some later point in the exchange.” IT. WAS. IN. THE. SUBJECT. LINE.

Anyway, he says he got there late and this Russian chick (lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya) was rattling on about bouncy Russian babies and he was like so bored, bro, so he texted his assistant to try to get out of it:

… I actually emailed an assistant from the meeting after I had been there for ten or so minutes and wrote “Can u pls call me on my cell? Need excuse to get out of meeting.”

See? No big deal. He didn’t read the whole email chain about how the Russians were offering super secret sexxx dirt on Hillary Clinton, and besides, he didn’t hear nothin’ ’bout no Russian documents, so why are you even asking? Now would he have stayed at the meeting if it was super fun and mucho-collusion-y? MAYBE. He doesn’t say either way. Regardless, he says nothing happened, and he never heard that Russian lady’s name again until his lawyers found the record of the meeting.

JARED INNOCENT AGAIN, YOU CAN’T DENY IT.

(More here from the Washington Post‘s Greg Sargent, about just how hard Kushner is throwing his brother-in-law under the bus with this statement.)

October 2016, when maybe a Russian hacker or somebody pretending to be one emailed him.

Strange:

On October 30, 2016, I received a random email from the screenname “Guccifer400.” This email, which I interpreted as a hoax, was an extortion attempt and threatened to reveal candidate Trump’s tax returns and demanded that we send him 52 bitcoins in exchange for not publishing that information.

Jared says he asked a Secret Service agent on their aero-plane what he should do about it and the Secret Service dude was like “ignore it.” So he did! End of story!

November and December 2016, after Popsy-in-law was “elected” and it was time for a buncha Russian fun and games during the Trump Transition, NONE OF WHICH WAS ILLEGAL SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

Ahhhhh, those heady days at Trump Tower when Steve Harvey was coming in the front door and Russians were going in the back door! Kushner says the transition was EVEN MORE BUSIER than the campaign, but he remembers two (2) meetings with Russians, and a third he didn’t actually go to. They’re the same meetings we already knew about. The first featured Kush, disgraced literal actual foreign agent Michael Flynn, and Kislyak. The second, that Kushner initially failed to report, was with Sergei Gorkov, head of VneshEconomBank (VEB), a Russian state-owned “development” bank that is not really a bank, but really just more of a Russian government operation. Then there was another meeting with the Russian ambassador, in between those two, that Jared sent his “deputy” to, probably because he was waxing his abs that day.

The point is those meetings were NOT CRIME-Y. Can you get that through your thick skull? In his statement, Kushner ‘splains something, IN BOLD TYPE, about the first meeting:

During the meeting, after pleasantries were exchanged … I stated our desire for a fresh start in relations. Also … I asked Ambassador Kislyak if he would identify the best person (whether the Ambassador or someone else) with whom to have direct discussions and who had contact with his President. The fact that I was asking about ways to start a dialogue after Election Day should of course be viewed as strong evidence that I was not aware of one that existed before Election Day.

Kushner was nice enough to highlight that, in case we’re all too stupid to see its significance. He hadn’t talked to any Russians about how to have a good relationship with Russia before the election, and he doesn’t know anybody who did. Of course, that BOLD PRINT SENTENCE doesn’t say he didn’t have secret conversations with Russians about anything, and it definitely doesn’t say he didn’t have secret conversations about using the Trump campaign digital operation (which he ran) to collude with Russia’s hacking operation. JUST SAYIN’.

Also in this meeting, Kushner talked to Kislyak about setting up a secret back channel between the Trump transition and Russia, not that they talked about setting up a secret back channel between the Trump transition and Russia:

[Kislyak] said the generals could not easily come to the U.S. to convey this information and he asked if there was a secure line in the transition office to conduct a conversation. General Flynn or I explained that there were no such lines. I believed developing a thoughtful approach on Syria was a very high priority given the ongoing humanitarian crisis, and I asked if they had an existing communications channel at his embassy we could use where they would be comfortable transmitting the information they wanted to relay to General Flynn. The Ambassador said that would not be possible and so we all agreed that we would receive this information after the Inauguration. Nothing else occurred. I did not suggest a “secret back channel.”

“I suggested maybe we could use a back channel at the Russian embassy. I did not suggest using a back channel.” Makes perfect sense! He says it was just for this one conversation, and emphasizes, apropos of nothing, that they didn’t talk about lifting the Russian sanctions. (Unless they did, which is possible if Jared Kushner is lying. Hope he doesn’t lie to Congress!)

Kushner doesn’t mention that time in December of 2016 when Michael Flynn called Sergey Kislyak on the Obamaphone and said, “Hey don’t worry about mean President Kenya-Bummer taking away your spy mansions and kicking all the Russian spies out of America and levying new sanctions, we’ll take care of those right nice after the inauguration.” That’s not relevant, because Jared Kushner is not here to cover Michael Flynn’s ass, that’s for sure.

Kushner says the meeting he didn’t go to, to which he sent his deputy, only happened because Sergey Kislyak was being such a Stalking Susan, and that Kislyak really wanted him to meet with Sergey Gorkov, the head of the Russian “bank.” So Kush was like, “FINE, I will meet that guy.” When that meeting happened, Kush says there was zero sanctions talk. He says Gorkov brought him presents (which he “registered with the transition office”), and they didn’t talk about any Russian connections with his real estate business either, so GOOD MEETING, JARED HAS NEVER COMMITTED A CRIME, WHY IS THIS POST NOT OVER YET?

January 2017 to present: Jared Kushner’s lying security clearance forms ARE NOT FULL OF LIES!

Kushner says when he initially submitted his SF-86 application form, the one that didn’t disclose any Russian contacts, it was just a big oops. His assistant just hit “send” too early! Then they sent some more information, then they sent some more after that, then they looked behind the couch and found 77 more financial assets Jared had, and good golly, they’ll just keep sending supplemental information until Jared Kushner figures out everything there is to know about Jared Kushner’s foreign contacts!

In summary and in conclusion, Jared is innocent and he did not do any illegal collusion with Russia, and if you believe otherwise, PROVE IT!

By the way, Jared Kushner doesn’t have any business dealings with Russia either, and if you don’t believe THAT, then read this news report about how Kushner “secured a multimillion-dollar Manhattan real estate deal with a Soviet-born oligarch whose company was cited in a major New York money laundering case now being probed by members of Congress,” and Jared Kushner will proceed to show you on the doll how that report is FAKE NEWS.

By the way, it’s the same money laundering case New York Attorney General Preet Bharara was pursuing when Daddy-In-Law Trump fired him, the one involving the Magnitsky Act (which is code for BOUNCY RUSSIAN BABIES and also sanctions) that features all the Russians Donald Trump Jr. and Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort met with on June 9, 2016.

It was the stupidest meeting. Jared didn’t even read the email his stupid brother-in-law sent about it. He got there late. He got his assistant to rescue him from the meeting, because he was so dang bored.

Jared is innocent.

Fuck you.

The end.

Wonkette salaries are fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click below to pay our salaries!

[CNN]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
  • ken_kukec

    “I did not have collusion with that woman, Ms. Veselnitskaya.”

    • EndTheMadness

      Ken I found a leak you’re going to like. It exposes the reason for the fake news and that Trump isn’t making a single decision. He’s being set up to fail. The story is at a site called FreepressmattersDOTcom. Please flag this comment as offensive in 15 minutes to keep the leak small.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Ummmmm… what?

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        Woah, if true! Without even clicking, I know Hillary is behind everything, as she is the secret head of the Illuminati Deep State Soros-funded derpidy derpidy…

        I can’t even finish this.

        • coozledad

          bitchsetmeup.com was taken.

          EDIT: Damn. it’s actually a thing.

          • Martini Ambassador 🍸

            Curiosity got the better of me, so I clickied. It’s less interesting than I expected it to be.

      • Snopes Shop

        Will not click link

        • WomanInThePersistence

          Good. No sense in encouraging spammers.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        “Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was shot by lone gunman Jared Lee Loughner in Tucson where Boeing, Raytheon, and Lockheed Martin have locations. Trayvon Martin was shot while wearing a hoodie in Sanford, Florida. His first name is Trayvon which is code for Raytheon and last name Martin for Lockheed Martin. The shooting at Fort Hood…”

        — Oliver Stone

    • mardam422

      I don’t know nuffin’ ’bout birfin’ no bouncy Russian babies.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    The Jake Blues defense. Well-played.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFvujknrBuE

  • Jared’s not a crook, he’s just stupid!

    • Darlene Underdahl

      He’s not smart enough to be a Russian asset, except inadvertently.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Thank God he didn’t try to find enough bitcoins to pay Guiffer400!

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Just because the email’s subject line was ‘Vladimir Putin Determined to Collude US Elections’ was no reason to take it seriously.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Will they have that yellowcake we like?

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Only the highest quality, like Don, Jr.

  • SadDemInTex
    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Why not both?

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    I did not suggest a “secret back channel.”

    He suggested “secret channel in the front of the Kremlin!”

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      But hey, when the Internet is all just a series of tubes, front and back are just concepts, maaan.

    • The Wanderer

      Did he bring the lube for the Secret Back Channel?

    • Weird Fishes

      Insert “back door” joke here.

  • Vincent Ricola

    C’mon guys, thinking the “highly successfully business people” in the Trump campaign should be able to tell the difference between espionage meetings and regular old business meetings is an unfair expectation. They are poor little inexperienced dum dums with no way of knowing that evil exists in the world. Be nicer.

  • Baconzgood

    If the transition was so busy how come they completely fucked up the transition?

    • Oblios_Cap

      That’s what they were busy doing, what with the huge crowds to plan for and such.

      • Weird Fishes

        Amazing that they would have guessed that so many people would have showed up for the protests the week before.

    • JMP

      Because it takes work and none of these elite idiots ever worked a day in their lives?

  • Mr. Blobfish
    • The Wanderer

      The froggie is touching himself inappropriately.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Froggie went a-fappin’
        And he did ride
        Mm-hmmm

    • natoslug

      Abs are startin’ to look good, Mr. Frog, but you appear to have skipped leg day again.

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    He won’t be under oath, but I’ve read that that doesn’t matter, as any lie he tells to Congress is a prosecutable crime.
    I believe it—but then why do they put people testifying before Congress under oath in the first place?

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    You know, what I don’t get is that JustJared is apparently too incompetent to read meeting agendas that he plans on attending and too forgetful to include a buttload of disclosures and foreign contacts on his security forms, but at the same time, he’s brilliant enough to run, I dunno, something like 40 different things in this administration and solve peace in the Middle East.

    Or, more likely, he’s both a criminal and just plain ol’ stupid and we’re all screwed.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Just like how Hillary is running the entire world from the private server in her basement and taking out her enemies with magical Kill Bill skills, all while being kept alive by life support machines and unknown drugs made from the fetuses of white babies.

      These people make zero sense and are not scared of contradicting themselves.

      • Weird Fishes

        The people who support them wouldn’t remember, or care, anyway. Because SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE OR WE WILL LOSE ‘MERICA! And of course Donny is the Anointed.

        And stuff.

        Plus he’s all about the BOUNCING BABIES. Which also means money and look: Fake Media!

    • Oblios_Cap

      Well, Jared’s got like 12 or 15 jobs. He can’t remember everything anything.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Those 200+ boards of directors that have lost Jared’s services since his ascent into politics will miss that attention to detail that he gives to every meeting he attends.

    • JMP

      He’s stupid but he thinks he’s smart, because rich people who inherit money always seem to think that somehow means they’re intelligent; which means that he keeps making the most obvious clumsy attempts at covering up his crimes and think they’re super clever and no one will ever see through them.

      • chimichanga

        Big money creates strong gravity that attracts sycophants. I have seen it with instant millionaire friends of mine. Some of them didn’t change much with me but some did. One thing in common – Everybody Wants Some.
        The GOP wants some and don’t care beyond that.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Plus, all that money insulates from outside authority that also helps to socialize young people.

          How do you think our Jared did on his finals after Daddy bought the school a state-of-the-art A/V lab?

          “Jared’s taking geometry next year! New natatorium!

    • MrTusks

      Why would a guy who is as allegedly busy and important as Koosh 1) show up to a meeting without knowing what it was really about, 2) show up late to said meeting, and 3) try to get out of it early? The answer is this: it doesn’t matter, 1, 2, and 3 are all lies.

  • Baconzgood

    I’d like to know how many times the Trump team met with representatives of Great Britain or France during the transition and campaign.

    • Oblios_Cap

      They probably met with some nice folks from the Caymans and Vanuatu, though…

    • Spurning Beer

      Maybe a quick meeting on the Brexit ramp.

    • Doug Langley

      Cut them some slack. Napolean swore he had hot oppo on Hillary.

  • goonemeritus

    I’m pretty sure our forefathers never intend these laws to apply to attractive people.

    • armed_bears

      white attractive

    • Nockular cavity

      Well, certainly not rich people!

    • cmd resistor

      I don’t find Jared attractive. His eyebrows are weird.

      • crisptickle

        there is an obsession in the media to show attractive pictures of Jared with big dreamy eyes, although it’s no problem finding ugly ones either. I guess they’ll pull them out when Jared isn’t everyone’s darling any more.

        • cmd resistor

          I think he has shifty beady eyes. Maybe because I see many of his photos on sites like this who are not likely to pick out the non attractive ones?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    That babbby is looking like Satan got into Ivanka’s knickers too.

    • godsaidHA

      The daughter is a mini-Ivanka, before all the plastic surgery.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Leave the babby alone. Please and thank you.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    He’s testifying in private because he knows everyone would be making fun of his voice.

    • Doug Langley

      “Wait – the witness is begging for a voice distorter?”

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Trump floats replacing Sessions with Giuliani who is already a subject of interest in this investigation if I am not mistaken.

    • Oblios_Cap

      That’s not any improvement…

      • Weird Fishes

        Rudy has a better accent, plus he can get all the Trumpniks Yankees tickets.
        Yankees tix, FTW

        • Covfefe

          Yankees tickets are so 20th Century. These days, everyone wants Cubs tickets.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      That would actually not benefit them – Sessions is being given a lot of professional courtesy from the Senate because he used to be a member. Giuliani would receive no such latitude because they hate his weaselly guts

      • Snopes Shop

        Hence he’ll probably do it

      • cmd resistor

        I always figured Guiliani had too much baggage to get through a confirmation process, or Trump would have given him a bigger job.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Ghoulliani is laying very, very low at the moment.

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        He should lay lower. Anybody got a shovel?

  • Blackest Noobs

    ive heard Jared doesn’t blame his father for his criminal activities but the people who caught his dad doing the crime…which basically explains everything.

    like father, like son…both are fucking crooks.

    • JMP

      And that’s why Donnie turned down Chris Christie’s request for a Cabinet appointment even after he spent nine months with his lips glued to Don’s ass.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Ayup.

  • willi0000000

    in the top pic, that kid on the right looks like he’s trying to send his sister to the cornfield.

    • FauxAntocles

      Yeah, I don’t think people’s eyes are supposed to do that – I’ve heard that can be a symptom of something…

  • armed_bears
    • The Wanderer

      Jared?!?! He’s weaker than Tommen, for the sake of the Seven!

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        But he has all of Joffrey’s dickishness.

    • Doug Langley

      Why am I getting so much Uncanny Valley from this guy??

      • Marion in Savannah

        Maybe his human suit is itchy?

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          This is why you always keep a can of EndBac around.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The fate of Prince Trystane was not a good one.

  • greyXstar

    Well I’m convinced! What’s for lunch?

    • The Wanderer

      Bourbon-marinated Kentucky Fried Liver Fingers.

      • greyXstar

        Oh, Beauregard!

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I just had a delicious cantaloupe.

      • greyXstar

        I just cut into one.

        • Mr. Blobfish

          I couldn’t tell if it was ripe yet, but I could smell it when I walked by. Smartest thing I’ll do all day.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Charred Covfefe with Ketchup.

      • greyXstar

        The most flavorful covfefe you’ve ever even imagined, believe me folks!

    • Doug Langley

      Boss says I can stop by summer camp and pick up what’s left of lunch, so it’s a mystery.

      • greyXstar

        Maybe it’s canned clams!

        • Doug Langley

          EEEEEEEEK!!

  • Blackest Noobs

    The Trump administration has the bestest strategy…there is no strategy better than Trump’s…what exactly is that strategy is anyone’s guess cuz it’s that kind of bestest strategy that is way out there….like way out there…like moonbeam and far out…way OUT THERE.

    and the crazy part…it might even work…shit it got the fucker elected.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      That plan worked on the unreasonable and unsmart, he now needs a plan that’ll work against smarties like Robert Mueller. A different marketing plan is needed, and the Donald has always only had the one plan.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The fact that I was asking about ways to start a dialogue after Election Day should of course be viewed as strong evidence that I was not aware of one that existed before Election Day.

    So… he’s admitting that a back channel did exist before Election Day? Because that’s how I’m reading this.

  • Indiepalin

    People with Premature Submission have many questions…”How did I get this disease?”

    • The Wanderer

      Isn’t Premature Submission where you kneel to the Dom before the negotiation phase is over?

      • amrak63

        *backs quietly away from this discussion*

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Pro-tip: think about baseball.
      Warning: may induce sleepiness.

      • MrTusks

        It’s NOT that common, it DOESN’T happen to every guy, and it IS a big deal!

    • Doug Langley

      I think I saw this on the old TV show Submission: Impossible.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “I did not have the time to read every [email], especially long emails from unkown senders or email chains to which I was added at some later point in the exchange.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4c9a5ca84d271d9d576495b268497ea1327316d585532a425a8252781d62b651.jpg

    • amrak63

      “You think I’m a bitch? Wait ’til y’all meet Madame Karma!”

      • Villago Delenda Est

        It’s not nice to attempt to fool Mother Nature.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    He says Gorkov brought him presents (which he “registered with the transition office”)

    Tell me that somebody, somewhen had to record “one bag of dirt from Belarusian village”.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    By the time Shabbat rolls around, we’ll know of a dozen more meetings he forgot about.

  • Crystalclear12

    All whine no cheese.

  • goonemeritus

    Is it really fair to expect members of the Trump family to remember every meeting in which they tried to collude with a hostile foreign country?

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      They could just remember the ones where they DON’T. That would no doubt be quite easy.

  • JMP

    Look, Jared has extremely early onset Alzheimer’s, therefore he can’t remember anything he did even just within the past year,so sure there may have been some treason there, but he can’t remember and therefore can’t be blamed. Besides, being unable to remember committing serious treason and thereby getting away scott free when you deserve to be in prison for the rest of your life is what Reagan did!

  • fawkedifiknow

    I know people who freeze up when they are asked to fill out a form, just like Prince Jared did when completing the security clearance document.

    They are all illiterate, blithering idiots who I wouldn’t ask to let my dog out at a certain time of day, not a guy put in charge of Middle East peace negotiations.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    (More here from the Washington Post‘s Greg Sargent, about just how hard Kushner is throwing his brother-in-law under the bus with this statement.

    This ought to be good:

    It’s not entirely clear that the “long back and forth” that Kushner claims he “did not read at the time” is the email chain that Trump Jr. released, under duress, which demonstrated that the meeting was taken with the express purpose of getting information advertised as coming from the Russian government. But it seems clear that this is what he is referring to. Note that Kushner does not say one way or the other whether he had been sent this email chain before. What we do know, however, is that Kushner says he never read it. And if Kushner is to be believed, he agreed to, and showed up at, this meeting without having any idea why it was being held.

    He wasn’t corrupt, he was incompetent. Got it!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/68c1688c72ffb8e60c101730e86ebd36e8c77920b00c5c45dfe5a0842ce9e8ea.jpg

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    More from the WaPo link above:

    Kushner’s statement does not deny outright either that the meeting did address the campaign or that any documents had been offered to the Trump camp, which the email chain appears to confirm. All it does is insulate Kushner from those facts.

    Ah, the smell of TrumpPenceZees’ infighting in the morning is even sweeter than that of Republican infighting…

    • JMP

      We seem to be really, really lucky because Jared and Bannon hate each other and keep trying to stab each other in the back, thereby undermining the whole criminal administration.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The gang that winds up in the hospital with third degree burns they got from setting the Reichstag fire.

  • lucidamente

    Question for Wonker legal eagles: even though Master Jared is not under oath in today’s interview, isn’t lying to Congress still a crime?

    • Crystalclear12

      Only if he is a Democrat.

    • proudgrampa

      According to Daily Beast, it is still illegal to lie to Congress.

      My guess is that, because he is only meeting staff and not the committee members, he gets away with not being under oath.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Unless, of course, you are a Congrescretin yourself.

    • Randy Riddle

      He can amend his testimony later, like his disclosure forms.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Worked for Jeff Sessions.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Only because Jeff’s GOP co-conspirators told Al Franken to shut his gob.

  • Daniel Hooper

    Jared’s explanations remind me of the time Peter tried to get out of paying his doctor bills on one of the first family guy episodes.

    “They can’t make a dead guy pay, right? So I’ll just write, ‘deceased’ where it says my birthday. And here, where it says sex? I’ll put, ‘No thanks; I’m dead’. It’s bulletproof!”

  • proudgrampa

    The dissembling is strong in this creature.

  • Snopes Shop
    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef
      • Snopes Shop

        Ah I loved that episode

        • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

          It was a shame that they got tangled up with the Doyle estate for years (mainly because the estate was pissed at Paramount over Young Sherlock Holmes), which prevented them going back to it until much later in the series,

      • Blackest Noobs

        23rd century and best they can give a blind black guy is his sister hairy thingy that holds back her hair….Geordi…just rub your eyes real hard and you will see in different spectrums of light that we normally cannot see.

        • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef
          • Komsumverweigerer Ron

            ‘We have a number of options for the colour of your new eyes, Mr LaForge. For instance, here’s a very natural looking one that…’
            ‘GIMME THE DEATH STAR ONES!’

        • Antonin Dvorak

          They had a good idea when they used his visor to stream video of an away mission on the view screen, so the bridge crew could see what was happening. Unfortunately, they did it exactly once and never spoke of it again.

  • Blackest Noobs

    guys….GUYS!!!!! innocent people ALWAYS ask about pardons from the get-go….cuz innocent people always want to know all their options.

    asking for pardons before indictments just means you prepare for the worse…and by no means is an admission of guilt.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Kushner says when he initially submitted his SF-86 application form, the
    one that didn’t disclose any Russian contacts, it was just a big oops.
    His assistant just hit “send” too early!

    So they’re sticking with that story, despite the fact every defense and national security expert says 1) that’s not how SF-86s work and 2) he’s admitting he didn’t fill out his own security clearance paperwork.

    • proudgrampa

      Precisely.

    • Les Appentis De la résistance

      His assistant that doesn’t have a name.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        Well, he wouldn’t want to embarrass her (it’s going to be a her, because sleazy guys like him always hire pretty young ones).

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          Shockingly, I read in WaPo about Kush’s Belarusian dirt, and that he gave it to his assistant and asked him to register it.

          • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

            Huh, will wonders never cease.

    • cmd resistor

      I’ve never filled out one of those forms, of course, but I know when I submit my monthly timesheet for my non-secret job, the computer asks me, Are you sure you want to submit?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Well, your place of work has a sanity check. Such a thing does not exist in the White House, where they have nuclear launch codes.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    This one time? At collusion camp?

  • lucidamente
    • Mr. Blobfish

      Having that impotent ghoul as AG would be an awesome move. Also, getting rid of Pubus and making Mooch Chief of Staff would be another excellent move. Proceed, Mr. President.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      “I’ma make you an offer you canna refuse.”

      — Rudy Giuliani

    • WotsAllThisThen

      What is Gary Busey not available?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Trump can’t afford the Busey.

    • Doug Langley

      Well, the term “everything” leaps to mind.

    • greyXstar

      That Fallout Ghoul would also have to recuse himself. And Gingrich insisting this is just a crazy overreaction designed to get rid of a president would get him laughed off of the planet.

      It’s like Donnie sits down with a couple of his lackeys each morning, asks for options about something. And when they get to the worst one that should absolutely not take, he goes “THAT’S IT! THAT’S THE ONE!! NOW GET ME A COKE AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!!”

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Don’t worry Jared. As soon as Ivanka goes crying to daddy, he’ll fire off a bunch of cruise missiles into Syria.

  • Blackest Noobs

    soon on media outlets everywhere; PARDON WATCH!

  • BigCSouthside

    I just…I just want them all in prison

    • Blackest Noobs

      i want something worse….but with VOTES.

      • Sedagive ’em Hell

        Slow, excruciatingly painful votes.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Bet she is sorry he went to Jared.

    • BigCSouthside

      Lol nope. That shit was a marriage of convenience. He needed a high profile wife, and she needed a daddy clone

      Edit: they strike me as the kind of couple with separate beds

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    Since Jared is innocent, Evan will need to get all those prison fantasies out of his pervy mind.

  • Edith Prickly

    Ducks say quack, and fish go blub,
    And the seal goes ow ow ow,
    But there’s one sound, that no one knows
    What does the Kush say?

    • Bill D. Burger

      ___Mathama Gandhi?

      (*Sorry. I’m not over the last thread.)

      • Edith Prickly

        – Henrik Ibsen

    • Christopher Story

      “Give me a break, guys, who knew government was gonna be this hard?” in a pubescent whisper.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        “Who knew not committing treason was so hard”?!

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      – Roger “I’m Still Dead!” Ailes

    • MrTusks

      Tiger got to hunt,
      Bird got to fly;
      Kush got to sit and make up lies, lies, lies.

    • Querolous

      Ylvis has left the building.

  • La forza del resistino

    Poor Jared just thought a Russian Back Channel was a variation on Kama Sutra position #57.

    • beatbort

      And Ivanka thought it was a special move she’s done in her workout yoga class.

    • proudgrampa

      I’ve done that, man!

      • amrak63

        And lived to tell about it? Wowza!

        • proudgrampa

          Messed up my back, though.

  • mancityRed6

    RT has a good picture of the Jared
    https://cdn.rt.com/files/2017.07/original/5975cb0bfc7e93ac318b4567.jpg

    oh, and the best comment (with 8 likes!!!!!) is :
    “Kushner looks like a (((merchant))) in that picture. Is he a (((chosen))) one?”

    yes, yes you are a bunch of bastards.

  • eyelashviper

    “Back channel” at the Russian Embassy not a “back channel”, just a friendly chat line. Just a resource for borscht recipes, polonium cocktail mixes, and friendly exchanges of codes and stuff.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Did The Mooch give The Kush any good advice?

    • beatbort

      Yes: “If I were you, son, I would get out of the country and lay low for a while.”

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Sicily. Should be safe there.

    • cmd resistor

      Told him to check with Sarah for some hair and makeup references.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      “Here’s my favorite quote from legendary strategist Sun-Tzu, which I believe will guide you quite well, Jared: ‘Rizzo got a bun in the oven.’ “

  • Bill D. Burger

    Go Adam!

    [Adam Schiff Terrifies Trump By Laying Out How His Entire Family Could End Up In Prison
    By Jason Easley on Sun, Jul 23rd, 2017 at 1:50 pm

    Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) explained why Trump is freaking over the special counsel looking at his finances. The entire Trump Organization, meaning the Trump family could have been laundering money for Russia.]

    http://www.politicususa.com/2017/07/23/adam-schiff-terrifies-trump-laying-entire-family-prison.html

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Because they’re all as guilty as all fuck, that’s why.

    • cmd resistor

      It’s bad enough he insulted all his opponents during the campaign, because it was still trashy and middle-schooley. But can you name any other president who made up childish nicknames for members of Congress he’s supposed to be working with? Mr. Sleazy Lying Little Crooked Low-Energy Creep *President?

  • Christopher Story

    I posted this earlier, but I feel it’s obligatory here:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/67e3be50c5eb8c93ae576f831ff9a6a8245d22cf4c7d3b0c7965855fe2bfb26a.jpg

    “I already know what you did, and your lies are boring me”

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      And I upfisted it earlier, but it gets another because, come on! It’s Lenny!

      • Christopher Story

        I didn’t find this out until after his death, but he was also Lumiere from the animated Beauty and the Beast, which was my favorite Disney Movie as a child. It made me squee and love him even more all over again. But yeah, Lenny Briscoe! If Mueller and Co are half as competent as Lenny, then we’re gonna be ok.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Jerry Orbach had an amazing career…star on Broadway, film (live action and animated voice actor) and of course TV.

          • Christopher Story

            He had a great charm and charisma. I caught an old episode of him with B. Arthur on “Golden Girls” (cable/insomnia) and actually got choked up. I would trade our current president to have him back, but I’m sure it wouldn’t be a fair trade to whomever could facilitate such a transaction.

        • formerChild

          He was in the first production of so many Broadway musicals it makes your head spin (he was the first person to sing “Try to Remember, fer instance”). If you’re used to seeing him in L & O, pull up some YouTubes of him singing, and experience some cognitive dissonance. :-)

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Lenny is GAWD.

        • calliecallie

          Or these days I guess Lenny is with Gawd, if you believe in that sort of thing.

  • Bill D. Burger

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DFgRZiQUMAIV8cv.jpg

    ….And he’s bringing hell with him, Donny boy.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He’s also out of bubble gum.

  • eyelashviper
  • Crystalclear12

    Kushner: everything is under control, this parachute is a fashion statement .

  • anwisok

    “JARED HAS NEVER COMMITTED A CRIME, WHY IS THIS POST NOT OVER YET?”

    That could have gone better.

  • canes_pugnaces

    Having read Jar-head’s sorry-assed ‘ego innocentes,’ I am confused how he’s competent to accomplish anything other than, maybe, finding the TV remote for Lord Fat Finger.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Villago Delenda Est

      LOCK THEM UP!

  • proudgrampa

    That kid on the right looks creepy.

    • La forza del resistino

      Would it help to know his middle name is Damien?

      • tomamitai

        DEVIL SPAWN LIBELZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!

    • mancityRed6

      he has his father’s eyes

    • WomanInThePersistence

      He’s a kid. Who didn’t have a good photographic moment.

  • Randy Riddle

    I keep thinking someone could remake “Some Like It Hot” and have it be about two guys who accidentally witness a Trump Russia meeting who join an all-girl band to evade the Russian mob.

    • tomamitai

      Didn’t Whoopi Goldberg do that same movie, except with nuns?

      • ImGoingBacon

        No, it was Goldie Hawn in Foul Play.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Ha! The voice is excellent!

      • tomamitai

        Gilbert Gottfried did it better on Last Week Tonight, but I’m sure Betty couldn’t afford his fee. I think he gets union scale plus all the bottled water and snacks from craft services that he can fit in his pockets.

    • eyelashviper

      Mrs. BB is a National Treasure, and this is hysterical.

  • Tokays_don’t_blink

    Wow, that was some pretty intense flailing from Jar-Jar there. Hope he remembered to stretch first.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • WotsAllThisThen

      Peace deal of the century? Of the millennium. Henry Kissinger was able to talk his way into Jill St John’s pants, but even he couldn’t do this.

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        Except for how Pres. Meyer freed Tibet.

        “It’s all Tibet! We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama like Mrs. Lama on book club night.”

        • ImGoingBacon

          Every line in that show is quotable.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Villago Delenda Est

      My Senator. Knows precisely what Kushner is.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Y’know, I’m just not sure that this serial liar is telling the truth in this case…

  • Bill D. Burger

    Oh Jared! Your candy ass is grass….and Mueller is the mower.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/3uetGLYgad1OE/giphy.gif

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Two words:

    “Norman, coordinate.”

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Hollandaise

      Well there’s one campaign promise done to check off.

    • yyyaz

      The shart face he uses on his twatter page is loathsome.

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    I picture his testimony to resemble this:
    Jon Lovitz Appears as the Pathological Liar on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkYNBwCEeH4

    • mancityRed6

      1985…jeebus crispus…so long ago.

    • Vincent Ricola

      That’s the ticket.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      If he goes in and talks about his wife, Morgan Fairchild, we’ll know something’s up!

  • Scooby

    Hey, they told me Donald Jr.. says this and Donald Jr. says that and I say…yea sure.

  • Rags

    If you’re just dropping by, the fake quote thread below is Awesome Sauce!

    – Abraham Lincoln

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
    • mancityRed6

      I’ve lived in Knoxville, there is no porn palace…wait

  • Bill D. Burger

    https://twitter.com/BraddJaffy/status/889474608553963524

    Extraordinary stuff! Jeffy is making a stand and Turnip will, it appears, have to fire him openly because he can’t get the David Duke of the Lollipop Guild to resign.

    bwwwahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

    • h4rr4r

      Yes, and he will get away with it until at least 2018

    • BigCSouthside

      Why would sessions do that. He’s implicated. Quit under the condition of pardon sand let Fuckface do what he wants

    • SnarkON

      Hey, if Sessions gets fired and then spends his free time in a studio recording jazz music, he can put out an album called “The Sessions Sessions.”

      • chimichanga

        Or the Secession Sessions. And boooooooo on that :-)

  • Michael R

    ” I went for the ‘ obviously very high level and sensitive information but is part of Russia and its government’s support for Mr. Trump ‘ and all I got was this crummy t-shirt “

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Villago Delenda Est

      The Cave, for modern Americans.

  • calliecallie

    TL;dr. Just send them all to jail already. Geez.

  • BadKitty904

    OT Pro-tip: Trying to eat a piece of cold fried chicken during a teleconference is probably a bad idea.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Depends which part of the chicken.

      • BadKitty904

        A large and unwieldy thigh, in this instance.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          There’s all KINDS of jokes I could make here. But I think I’ll pass.

          • BadKitty904

            Fortunately, it wasn’t a chicken breast.

          • Komsumverweigerer Ron

            … I am having so much trouble being good right now …

          • BadKitty904

            Nor was I merely nibbling on a plump leg…

    • Penny Dreadful Says Cats

      I don’t think cold fried chicken could ever be a bad idea.

      • BadKitty904

        Generally, I would concur, but see below.

    • shivaskeeper

      Use the mute button when you are gnawing on the bones. Rookie mistake, that one.

      • msanthropesmr

        My fingers are too greasy to ht the mute button. I think I just hit reply all.

        • shivaskeeper

          Also a rookie mistake.

      • BadKitty904

        I was on self-mute, as my mouth was stuffed full o’ chicken when the conference organizer in Atlanta asked me a question.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “I am tired of all these people finding me guilty before they see the evidence. I would prefer to be exonerated before you see any evidence, though.”

  • Mary Theresa

    OT: It’s hard to keep up with all the criming and treason, but wasn’t Giuliani under investigation?

    Trump floats possibility of Giuliani replacing Sessions as AG: report
    http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/343426-trump-floats-possibility-of-giuliani-replacing-sessions-as-attorney

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Rudy 9/11 is up to his decrepit ass in this mess

    • proudgrampa

      He should be.

    • bupkus231

      It was less Giuliani being under investigation, but who in the NY FBI office was leaking info to him.

      • Mary Theresa

        Thanks.

  • canes_pugnaces

    There’s an entire class of wankers in NY, LA, etc., young guys who need a fucking assistant to wipe their ass. “Have your assistant call my assistant to schedule a…”, even though both parties could do it right fucking then and there. But no.

    And the assistants have assistants, because that’s how you climb the power ladder. You have someone to pick your laundry up, because you’re too busy picking up your boss’ laundry.

    Fuck Jared and everyone like him.

    • Sedagive ’em Hell

      Nice.

    • SnarkON

      Hey, they’re job creators. All of those assistants are making, like, what, $35,000 a year for 80 hours a week of work.

    • Rick Hill

      My assistant will craft a reply to this and get back with you

    • chimichanga

      More trickle down BS than the Pee Tapes

    • MrTusks

      Who else is going to untangle my bullshit under pain of firing when I triple book myself and forget what my job is?

  • eyelashviper

    The Ship of State is not deterred:

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DFc0HEqXcAEwjuI.jpg

  • UnsaltedSinner

    [In my Glenn Greenwald voice]: Well, I see no evidence of any Russian connections here. This is just neo-mccarthyism, and anyway have you all forgotten how terrible Hillary is?

    • eyelashviper

      DerpstateneoliberaloligarchyClintonmurderspizzapornbenghazi…

      • msanthropesmr

        Once you get the hang of it it’s really quite atrocious.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      “Hey look! Neoliberal, establishment squirrels!”

      • msanthropesmr

        Those are chipmunks.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          playing possum

          • msanthropesmr

            I thought it was a dead parrot.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Beautiful plumage.

          • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

            It’s not dead. It’s shagged out following a prolonged session with the senate intelligence committee.

      • starfanglednut

        Neoliberal. Drink!

  • Michael R
  • If the Russians had some great “dirt” on Clinton, why didn’t the trumpanzees use it?

    • Anna Rompage

      They did, via Wikileaks…

      • amrak63

        You mean “Russkileaks”, doncha?

    • tomamitai

      Because they are such sportsmanlike gentlemen, obliviously!

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Maybe you missed the eleventy billion times Trump and his crew referenced the wilileaks dumps in their campaign. Including all the teasers about what’s coming next.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They knew the twatwaffles of the NYT would eat up any shit on Clinton that they were offered, no matter how lame or stupid, and that enough Americans would be “concerned” about it even though it was a genuine nothingburger.

    • shivaskeeper

      Whatever actual dirt they had/found was not as salacious as what they were making up.

      • Not even that–what they were hinting at. There was no there there. And so many dumbasses fell for it.

        • shivaskeeper

          That was my point. The lies and innuendo were more effective that anything that was actually there.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Yup, there was no real dirt- it was all salacious gossip and innuendo that was spun and spun until it appeared to be something of significance. At the end of the day, once you objectively looked at all the “evidence”, unless you’d already bought into all the hype and spin, you realized there was nothing to it. The problem is, most people never bothered with that objective analysis. They were way too eager to hate Clinton and that crap gave them an excuse.

          • shivaskeeper

            30-40 years of shit flung at her. It was to much to overcome.

          • HooverVilles

            ^^^^THIS^^^^

          • HooverVilles

            Exactly. Decades of Limbaugh, Savage, Beck, Hannity, infowars, Robertson, Dobson, Perkins, Coulter, Gingrich, and many others had an enormous dumbing down effect on America.
            I even remember someone saying that there must be something really bad about Hillary because the chatter did not die out.
            GAG!

          • shivaskeeper

            It’s not just the hate radio and whatnot.

            It’s federal level politicians holding an impeachment over a beej. It’s show trial investigations for the base as the people conduction them know for a fact, there is no there there. It’s state level politicians piling in so they can get the name recognition to move to higher office. It’s the religious wingnuts who would rather sell us to a foriegn power and have been grooming their flock for it, rather than have a woman be in power.

            As for the where there is smoke there is fire, the bulk of that came from the left. The GOPers are conditioned to believe anything they are told about her already. The hard right doesn’t need any prompting to hate her. At this point it’s reflexive for them. The Bros, Steinbots, and the ones who would cater to them are the ones who were swallowing that narrative.

        • amrak63

          “so many dumbasses”

          It seems all of our country’s other problems go back to that one common element–its heartbreaking overabundance of dumbasses, especially among my fellow palefaces.

  • Sedagive ’em Hell

    If you can’t trust the corrupt, sleazy, entitled son-in-law of an angry, narcissistic grifter with a grudge against the world, who can you trust?

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Jared; ‘ I didn’t collude. I don’t even know what colluding is. I’m not smart enough to collude, even if that was a thing. But don’t worry, I’m smart enough to solve the Israel / Palestine problems.’

    • Anna Rompage

      Colluding? Is that like when you know your father-in-law has a creepy obsession over his daughter, and your wife, but you let it slide, and go to work for him anyways?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Don’t you use a collude when preparing pasta?

      • Beanz&Berryz

        To drain the water

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          DRAIN THE SWAMP!

          • Beanz&Berryz

            With the current swamp you’d need a superconducting super colluder.

    • Querolous

      “I will have a colludial solution.”

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Other than the basic criminal instinct to throw someone else in front of the bus to save his own ass (sorry Fredo), Jared doesn’t seem to be any smarter than the rest of them…

  • SnarkON

    He’s new at the politics thing AND IS NOW THE CHIEF ADVISOR TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. That concept alone should be enough to get him fired.

    • shivaskeeper

      You think? I’m not sure how well they think “we’re not crooked, we’re incompetent” is really going to play.

      • bewareofme

        Incompetence v. Criminality
        Comes from old GOPeePee party playbook. They twisted themselves in knots trying to frame Obama in BOTH incompetence and criminality. Clearly that plan failed miserably. So maybe they try incompetence only for Prince Jared to keep him outta the slammah.

        • shivaskeeper

          Not just for He Went to Jared. It’s the excuse for the lot of them.

      • laineypc

        The important thing is that they get away with it. That’s what Trumpers find most endearing. It’s like Ferris Bueller.

        • shivaskeeper

          Sort of. The whole clan has gotten away with being mid level con artists for decades. They have been able to either sue an opponent into submission or just generally hide the illegal shit in the shadows. That won’t fly in the spotlight they are in now but they don’t know how to change tactics. At some point enough GOPers will get fed up with it. Not the ones who just want to drink libtard tears of course, bit the passably sane ones will if not actively try to bring him down, at least won’t stand in the way anymore.

    • BigCSouthside

      This whole “we don’t know what we’re doing” shit pisses me off. These over confident motherfuckers thought this would be easier than running s third rate scam filled real estate business.

    • Thiazin Red

      He is new and doesn’t have a clue what hes doing, but he is on top of sorting out middle east peace, relations with China, restructuring government and the opiod crisis.

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        Give him a chance. I’m sure that in time he can make ALL these things much, much worse.

        • Whoever posted the Monty Python ‘How To Do It’ skit was genius.

    • Rick Hill

      They’re making up their grift as they go so that makes him perfectly qualified for the job

  • Oneofthebobs

    If Donald pardons everybody, can we just default to the civil forfeiture laws that these guys seem to be in love with?

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Dibs on Barron’s life-size lion plush!

      • starfanglednut

        That picture makes me sad. That poor kid.

      • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

        No, we take everything everyone else in the family has, and give it to Barron. Then we see to it that he’s raised by Normal Human Beings.

  • Crystalclear12

    Him and Ivanka really thought they were the new Kennedys.

    Damn.

    • msanthropesmr

      Jello Biafra sez fuck you, Jared.

      • amrak63

        Give the whole damn crime family a Holiday in Cambodia!

        (with votes, of course)

        • amrak63

          Though I’d settle for giving them a holiday in Club Fed.

    • BigCSouthside

      They still do.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      ‘Ich bin ein Dummkopf!’

      • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

        ‘Ich bin ein Arschloch!’

  • Villago Delenda Est

    A backchannel encrypted with Russian cryptography.

    Uh huh. Right.

    NSA all over that shit, Jared, you incredible moran.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      No shit, a back channel from whom?

      The only ones being cut out at that point are US Intel agencies and the sitting president

    • shivaskeeper

      Typically if there is Russian encryption, it would require Russian equipment as well. Just saying.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Yes, of course.

        FYI, I was a COMSEC custodian/officer many times! :D

        • shivaskeeper

          You poor soul. Get in your COMSEC cage.

          One of the reasons I had a TS was part of my job was to pull the paper tapes to generate the keys for the COMSEC custodian and of course do the destruction after use.

          That comment was more for clarity for the folks who don’t know this stuff works.

          • Bobathonic

            I hated that duty. I didn’t want nor otherwise need the TS, but someone had to open half a safe.

      • Steve Cole

        Maybe yes, maybe not…

        • shivaskeeper

          Government encryption will require government equipment. Even COTS equipment would have to have either government modifications or programming to use the government encryption. I doubt they were using the standard Windows encryption.

  • jaspersdad

    I wonder how many times they sent every fucking one of their top campaign staff to a meeting without knowing what the meeting was about.

    • msanthropesmr

      AOTK

    • Bobathonic

      Just the once. They promise.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      TBF, if it’s one of Donnie’s meetings NOBODY knows what it’s about. Especially Donnie.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    It comes down to credibility. Are you gonna believe a bunch of journalists and government lawyers that nobody’s ever even heard of or the guy who is fucking the President’s daughter and is literally so rich that everybody in Kentucky said, “hey, he should be the boss of the government”?

    • SnarkON

      You know, when you put it that way I’m not sure.

    • Crystalclear12

      This post aggravated my alcoholism.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Then my work here is done.

      • starfanglednut

        I’ve heard cocaine cures alcoholism. You know, from a friend.

      • Eileen Besse

        I love you.

    • eyelashviper

      well, I’m convinced…

    • MrTusks

      I doubt he’s even sleeping in the same bed as Ivanka now. He has procreated twice over, in accordance with his programming. No more profit can be extracted from…that.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    So, today, Jared will throw Junior under the bus and Wednesday, Junior will throw Jared under the bus.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Dammit, this is gonna wreck our schedule this week.
      – Metrobus

    • Seek

      I doubt Junior is smart enough to keep his story straight under pressure.

  • Anna Rompage

    Why would someone not testify under oath to congress, unless that are lying?

    “Kushner is not expected to be under oath during his questioning Monday ”

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/kushner-to-face-intel-committee-on-monday-behind-closed-doors/2017/07/23/7ce6525c-6fbd-11e7-8f39-eeb7d3a2d304_story.html?utm_term=.ad67419dd23b

    • Then it’s a waste of time.

      • SisterArtemis

        Not exactly. See Zippy the Pinheads comment above in this same subthread – it was on the record. I would guess Mueller et al will pull Kushner in for a more… exacting interview, and one that is under oath.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Interestingly, while it isn’t under oath, it is on the record. Should he be subpoenaed and put under oath , everything he says today is fair game

      • cmd resistor

        I wish Columbo could participate. Then, as Jared was slinking away, he’s say, Just one more thing?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          This whole affair is screaming for Columbo to lull the perps into a false sense of security.

    • cmd resistor

      Just a friendly chat, then.

  • eyelashviper

    It is always amazing that the Trumpanzees just love this Orange Nitwit, and his sad passel of appointees, all of whom are ancient and wrinkled, or young, fey, arrogant, and entitled…such manly guys.
    Can you imagine the derisive comments if Jared, the Mooch, Rinse, Carter Page and Ousay and Uday et al were Dems?

    • BigCSouthside

      Buncha goddamned east coast liberal elites who need their ass whipped, goddammit

      • eyelashviper

        Tarrin’ n featherin’, time to bring it back…stocks, also too.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Heads would be assploding

    • shivaskeeper

      But, HER EMAILS. Also, too swamp draining.

      • bupkus231

        SEWER draining, not swamp draining!

        • shivaskeeper

          Sewer backup is closer.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    OT: this Trump “sketch” of the “New York City Skyline” is up for auction.

    No explanation for why three of the buildings appear to be wearing triangle hats or why the skyline looks like a bunch of hands flipping the bird.

    http://cdn.washingtonexaminer.biz/cache/1060×600-5941bb074864641366bf8295e075ead5.jpg

    • msanthropesmr

      I thought it was the famous “Popcorn Bag Building” right next to the Flatiron Building.

      • beatbort

        He should mass produce these (in China, of course!) and use them as urinal pads in all of his hotel men’s rooms.

      • The Wanderer

        Where’s the Flammable Building?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Farther uptown…721 Fifth Avenue

          • The Wanderer

            Not #666?

          • WotsAllThisThen

            That’s The Russia House.

    • The Wanderer

      I think I could have done better when I was five. Maybe I did.

      • Thiazin Red

        I was about to say it literally looks like something a toddler who has never seen a picture of NYC would do.

        • CripesAmighty

          With the only detail being a scrawl of Tacky Tower. In the center. Big surprise, there.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      I’d bid $5, but only because I need that frame.

    • Fartknocker

      I’m sure the family will donate all the proceeds to children with cancer or disabled veterans.

    • Bananas Foster

      Apparently Trump thinks the Manhattan skyline looks like a midieval fortress wall complete with turrets.

      Makes sense. Trump is, after all, an evil man complete with Turrets.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        You misspelled Tourette’s.

    • jaspersdad

      Klan rally at the bottom.

    • Paperless Tiger

      I hope he didn’t steal that from little Barron and sign it.

    • Terpsichord

      this is what you get from art activity time at senior day care.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Can I purchase it with money from the Trump Foundation? Asking for a friend.

  • beatbort

    Nice family you got there, Jared. It’d be a shame if they all had to go into the Witness Protection Program.

    • msanthropesmr

      Misspelled “WItless”

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        Are you saying they need to start wearing helmets?

      • MrTusks

        They deserve Larry the Cable Guy as protection.

        • Notreelyhelping

          They deserve getting locked in a closet with Larry the Cable Guy. “Want a dip?”

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    OT Capehart answers the smug Trumpanzee apologist Gary Abernathy. My only qualm- he was far too nice about it…

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/wp/2017/07/23/hey-trump-country-stop-being-so-smug-he-is-unlikely-to-soothe-your-anger/?utm_term=.4bd52fce4fec

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I wouldn’t have been nearly as nice. I would have mentioned votes. Sharp, pointy votes.

    • SisterArtemis

      Well, thank you for posting that! Good read, and yes, Capehart was nice about it, but that’s his style: the nice young man living next door. Smart too. And always so polite!

    • Bill Diaz

      Great article! I live in Vermont and used to know a great many Trump voters, something I now view as a festering pustule. I used to be a member of the local VFW based on my desire to help other vets. That isnt what they do, they seem to exist like adulation for their service is their due, they were willing to support Trump when he insulted the Khan family and are racist as all hell.

      I have no sympathy for those scumbags and have quit VFW Post #1767 (Winooski Vermont) as a result. Trump voters are either willfully ignorant bigots, or totally cool with those people running this nation.

      Have a great day!

      • Ωbjectifier

        I thought the VFW was just about day drinking.

        • Bill Diaz

          You are exactly right and I dont drink, lol. I thought they might live up to their motto ‘No one does more for veterans’, but if they do it is because no one does much of anything for us.

          Have a great day!

  • Anna Rompage

    I suppose Barron is the Geroge-Michael Bluth of the family, while Don Jr is GOB, and Kushner is a smarmier version of Buster….

    Or is Don Jr playing Buster, and Kushner is GOB?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEL9xGkF1IM

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “I just blew myself!” – Jared in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee

      • MrTusks

        “I have the worst fucking attorneys.”
        “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
        “What could a banana cost? Ten dollars?”
        “I may have committed some light treason.”

        • Ωbjectifier

          There’s money in the banana stand.

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      Don Jr = GOB
      Eric = Buster
      Jared = Tobias

    • Akat

      Is Michael Ivanka?

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    If you’re not under oath, you’re not testifying. So Kush is chatting with the committee and picking up pointers for his defense when/if there is a criminal trial.

    • BadKitty904

      Pretty much.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Ya shoulda seen Uncle Al Franken’s face on the teevee when he heard the chatting would not be under oath. He was not happy.

  • beatbort

    Sessions: “Well, if he says he’s innocent, that’s good enough for me. Let him go.”

    • CripesAmighty

      “…after all he’s a nahs clean-cut boy (even if he is a, yuh know…).”

  • azeyote

    good thing he was born rich cause he ain’t to bright –

    • whitroth

      There’s bright, and there’s bright with NO sense….

  • CripesAmighty

    The Kush–
    “Blablabla, smarter campaign…message, yak yak…to suggest otherwise ridicules those who supported him.”

    And deservedly so.

  • bookish

    Sure, sure. Next time, under oath.

  • GunToting[Redacted]
    • BadKitty904

      That’s how he signals others of his species.

    • DM

      That’s not too far off

  • Terpsichord

    The criminal gene is dominant in both the Trump and Kushner families.

    • whitroth

      Back in the 20’s, there was a book, allegedly “sociology”, to prove crime and immorality is genetic, as a justification for eugenics. Doing a search on Jukes and Kallicaks is left as an exercise for the reader. By the seventies, the lawsuit for this book would have enrichened both families, had the done one.

      But Jezuz H. Christ, standing on a streetcorner, wearing a limb-green Zoot Suit, Trump, his family, and his in-laws sure make me wonder… or maybe it’s just magnetism, idiot criminal magnetism….

  • Bill Diaz

    ‘I was dead at the time!’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RegxuU8NOhs

    Have a great day!

  • CaliCheeseSucks

    God, this little fucknugget needs a kick in his dick.

  • Grant

    He is going to look just darling in his orange jumpsuit. Oh wait. Pardon me.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    But his emails!

  • Grant

    Can someone explain to me why anyone ever gets to testify NOT under oath? So the issue is so serious you have to talk to Congress, but they don’t really care if you tell the truth?!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      IOKIYAR

  • Poly_Ester

    I found a typo. Its muccifer400 not guccifer400.

  • Zippy W Pinhead
  • Lyly Sirivong

    The fact that I was asking about ways to start a dialogue after Election Day should of course be viewed as strong evidence that I was not aware of one that existed before Election Day.

    Whaaaaaaaaat kind of logic is that ??!!?

    • erquirk

      Tortured? Mendacious? Self-serving? Pathetic? So many choices!

  • rocktonsam

    whats that kid doing with his eyes?

    • gallbladder

      Radioing-in the invasion?

  • David McAuley

    I still say we should call Jared, Mr Ivanka Trump, or just Mr Ivanka, suits him just fine.

  • La forza del resistino

    ‘ I want to be transparent as possible’ sez the man who got a closed hearing not under oath.

  • Mavenmaven

    When we talked about setting up secret back channels, I didn’t use the word secret, ok?

  • whitroth

    Perhaps he needs to look up the definition of “collusion”, and not write his own, extempore. But yep, he’s not guilty. Nor is that honest businessman, Whitey Bulger. And Silence of the Lambs was about a gourmand….

  • SpudRaider

    You know I hate the constant naming of political scandals with -“gate stuck on the end.
    I propose from know on this scandal be referred to as “Bouncing Russian Babies” I want to here on CNN new the announcer saying,”Today further developments in the Bouncing Russians Babies.”

    • Petunia Cat

      It’s bouncY Russian Babies! Now we are doomed! You had your shot, now all scandals will end in -gate for ALL TIME! #BouncyRussianBabies 😉

  • whitroth

    Anyone else notice that the little one, on Ivanka’s hip, has glowing eyes…?

  • SeeTrain65

    “He’s lying. And in other news, Ursidae do, in fact, defecate in woodland environs.”

  • Petunia Cat

    If I understand this right the meeting included Kushner and a bunch of people he was doing money laundering business deals with. 🤔 So basically nothing he says can be believed.

    And did the Senators ask him questions about his money laundering pals?

  • Occam’s 8 ball

    As a side note, hypothetically, if your family owed more to the Russian mafia than you could ever repay even by liquidating everything, and even prison wasn’t safe from them, what would you do?

  • Celtic_Gnome

    It’s amazing how money insulates you from even considering consequences. All those verifiable statements he dropped in the committee’s lap.

    In a world where Mueller still has a job, I see subpoenas for Prince Jared’s electronic documents, and there’d better be that text he said he sent during the meeting. Also, with the bitcoin blackmail email, the time and date it was received could sure help the FBI figure out who was on his detail at that time to determine which agent advised him to “ignore” a blackmail attempt against the son-in-law of the Republican Presidential candidate.

    Also, also, I’m an oldz who knows nothing about bitcoin, but, 52 coins? Is that a lot? I mean, if each bitcoin is the equivalent of $1,000 USD, okay. Otherwise, I can’t get too worked up about someone planning to release the most sought-after political document of the Presidential campaign for 52 pieces of digital code.

  • Tully

    Who cares what he says if it isn’t under oath?

  • E.A. Blair

    “I did not collude with Russia.”

    At long last, we have a Republican equivalent to

    “I did not have sexual relations…with that woman.”

  • k9gardner

    I’m sure this was one of the best Wonkette columns but, you know, tl;dr.

  • Debmcd

    OMG No wonder they never get caught breaking the law. They gave birth the Anti Christ. Look, she’s holding it like it’s just another kid. But we know different, look at those evil eyes.

Previous articleNew WH Comms Director Anthony Scaramucci Stepping On Donald Trump’s Dick
Next articleWhat ‘Better Deal’ Have Dumbstupid Democrats Ever Given You, HENGHHH???