Guess what body part I'm being? Oh, you guessed!
Guess what body part I’m being? Oh, you guessed!

Maine Gov. Paul LePage is continuing his nonmonogamous relationship with the truth, cheating on reality and then, like a common Gary Hart, daring reporters to follow him and see what lies he’s boinking on the good ship Monkey Business. (OK, it’s an imperfect analogy.) This week, after Maine newspapers reported on tips from state legislators that LePage was planning to go on vacation during the partial government shutdown, LePage’s office blasted the stories as fake news. Then, LePage went on talk radio to condemn the stupid press — but also to hint (or “joke”) that he likes to make up fake stories just to see if the press will be stupid enough to report them, those stupidheads. And then the Bangor Daily News did a public records request and discovered that LePage actually was the guy behind the rumors; he’d left a message on a state legislator’s phone saying he was going out of town for 10 days. Darn those stupid vile reporters for accurately reporting LePage’s lies!

On Monday, the Portland Press-Herald reported that LePage had “told two Republican lawmakers” he was planning to take a 10-day vacation, even as the state went into a partial shutdown over a budget impasse between legislators and the governor. LePage’s spokesweasel, Adrienne Bennett, flatly denied LePage was going on vacation, issuing an emailed statement saying “No, he is Maine’s chief executive and will not be leaving.” Another LePage spokesferret, Peter Steele, also called Twitter reports about the supposed vacation “100% fake news.” Despite those official denials, state Sen. Roger Katz insisted LePage had said otherwise:

“He could not have been more clear that he was leaving tomorrow morning for about 10 days,” Katz said. “There was no nuance and no ambiguity about that.”

A spokesperson for Senate President Michael Thibodeau had told reporters Monday that LePage had “called the Senate president and Sen. Katz this morning to say he was leaving the state to go on vacation.” So this was a report with two named sources, one of whom even insisted he’d been quoted accurately, even after two spokespeople denied LePage had said anything of the sort. It’s not exactly something reporters overheard in a bar or attributed to anonymous sources.

LePage claimed Monday that both legislators must have misheard him, because he was being all metaphorical-like and had only said his pen was on vacation and wouldn’t be signing anything.

By Thursday, LePage was good and mad about the whole lie the media had made up by quoting him, and went on a talk radio show to complain about all the lies, and about how stupid the press was, just lying all the time:

I gotta laugh about that — You talk about people taken line, hook, and sinker! [sic] This is the comment I made. It was Monday, I said, “My pen’s on vacation; I have nothing to sign.” Next thing you know, I’m on my way to Florida. I mean, give me a break, guys! The press is really, I mean, this is when you know it’s not about the press, it’s not about reporting, it’s about poking a certain person in the eye for six and a half years. Shame on them. […]

It all started, by saying, “My pen’s on vacation; it has nothing to sign.” That was how this started, and the press just ran, and they’re so vile and inaccurate, and I tell ya…

Reporter Matt Gagnon at least noted that the story hadn’t come out of thin air, and that lawmakers had been “feeding them that stuff” — what about them? LePage made a funny joke about making up fake stories just to see if the press would bite, because the press is vile and out to get him and we’d be much better off without the lying press, that’s for sure:

LePage: I just love to sit in my office and make up ways so they’ll write these stupid stories. I mean they are just so stupid it’s awful. I’m sorry, but I tell you, the sooner the print press goes away, the better society will be.

Gagnon: Well, they’re definitely listening to you right now…

LePage: Good for them. They’re useless.

Those rotten, rumor-mongering reporters and their twisted lies, even if the sources of the twisted lies were two legislators from the governor’s own party. They should never make up news out of thin air like that, especially when they make up news with two named sources who go on the record and agree they were quoted accurately. It’s simply vile, and in a better world, there’d be no reporters.

Also, what was that about making up stories to see if reporters fell for them? You were joking, right? You wouldn’t actually lie just for the sake of being a bastard, would you?

Turns out that LePage did indeed leave a voice message for state Sen. Katz Monday, saying exactly what Katz said LePage had said. Those crafty vile stupidheads at the Bangor Daily News used a public records request to get the recording. Listen!

I’m heading out of town for about 10 days and I’d like to speak with you before I leave,” LePage said. “So could you give me a call, please?”

To be fair, he never said he was going to Florida. But then, neither did Katz or any of the news stories. But he sure did say he was leaving town for ten days. Maybe the fake news was in calling that a “vacation” — it’s entirely possible that LePage, who never did leave town, was lying about a 10-day trip to inspect a ranch full of Dominican rentboys (to name one possible further lie) instead of lying about a 10-day vacation.

Once the voicemail was released by those scheming no-goodnik reporters, LePage had yet another story to tell: He never meant to imply he was going on vacation, he was merely

“attempting to get Senators to return his call” and said his staff was “100% accurate and clear” on Monday “that the Governor was not taking a vacation.”

So anyone who says that Paul LePage told legislators he was going on vacation is still a dirty Fake Newser, and America would be better off without those parasites who are driven to make up complete lies out of the whole cloth of Republican legislators who accurately pass on what LePage said on their voicemail.

When all news comes from Paul LePage himself, we will surely know what’s going on, especially when he keeps changing his own story, like that time he was all worried about drug dealers impregnating all the white girls, but didn’t mean anything racial about it, but then said the blacks are all drug dealers who are out to impregnate white girls after all. Then, and only then, will we really understand the real news.

[Poynter / Portland Press Herald / WGAN / Bangor Daily News]

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  • Beanz&Berryz

    In that photo o think he’s just trying to make a Lepage thought.

    • lowenufc

      …In his pants.
      Sorry, had to be said.

  • Yr. Gma

    When is this idiot’s term over?

    • Ryan Denniston

      18 months I think.

    • docterry6973

      It will be interesting to see how Maine’s sane people manage to elect someone even worse.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Blame it on the Massholes.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        There are rumors that Susan Collins is thinking about making the leap to the gov’s mansion. While I’d much prefer a Dem there finally, Collins would be at least a modicum better.

  • mardam422

    Sorry. You people asked for him…twice. I have no sympathy for you.

    • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

      In defense of the good Maniacs (of which I use to belong) both races had a perennial idiot candidate stripping off progressives votes.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Same here, Windham, you?

        • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

          I grew up in Waterville, went to undergrad in Portland. In Cambridge (the our fair city one) now. Where did you escape to?

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Sarasota, Florida, my parents wintered here from the time I was 9. When I graduated, I pondered the question, which place should I pick? But not for long.

  • schmannity

    This is just the lamestream media playing gotcha with an accurate quote from a Republican. UNFAIR!

    • Ryan Denniston

      Next they’ll have to accept CBO SCORES!

      • schmannity

        Nonpartisan?!? That means they stand for nuthin’.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Then, LePage went on talk radio
    to condemn the stupid press — but also to hint (or “joke”) that he
    likes to make up fake stories just to see if the press will be stupid
    enough to report them, those stupidheads.”

    I’m not sure this guy is entirely on the up and up with the concept of governance in a democracy.

  • Zonath

    Lapage’s penis on vacation…

    I need brain bleach.

  • memzilla Ω

    The pain in Maine lies plainly on the brain.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Oh for peet’s sake.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “My pen’s on vacation; it has nothing to sign.”

    That’s what she said.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance
  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    I think I need a flow chart to follow Alibi Ike up there.

  • To paraphrase Mose Allison, the guvners mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.

    • Mpeg

      Heard that song recently for the first time. I likes it, it I likes…

      • Mose Allison is an all time favorite. The youtubes have some great old footage to enjoy now that he’s gone.

  • memzilla Ω

    I believe the only cure for this post about a lying liar who lies is this picture of Justin Trudeau flipping flapjacks at last year’s Calgary Stampede.

    • pussygrabber in chief

      That flapjack he’s flipping is making me look at his crotch.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Flapjack? . . OH, yeah. NOW I see it!

        • Three Finger Salute

          I was distracted by the… belt buckle. 😍

      • Three Finger Salute

        I NO RITE? Lower half of the Canadian Tuxedo. 😊

    • Latverian Diplomat

      If only Canadians had some sweet, tasty syrup to put on all those flapjacks…but what?

    • Three Finger Salute
  • FlownΩver

    Secretly the love child of Sam Brownback and Martin Shkreli..

  • ExpatGirl

    Shorter LePage: “I’m a stupid liar and can’t be trusted.”

  • Alan

    How did he get elected?

    • Oblios_Cap

      I believe they were 3 person races and the decent people’s votes were split.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      The two other people running against him spent more time beating each other up than attacking him?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Tertiary syphilis?

    • SayItWithWookies

      How did he get re-elected?

  • BearLeft

    Now here’s a guy who could actually give Philippine President Duterte and our own T-Rump a run for their money for asshole of the year. And that is quite a distinction.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Can’t wait to see that Time Magazine cover.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    My pen’s on vacation

    Even THAT was misheard. He said, “My penis on vacation.”

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    To be fair, he never said he was going to Florida.

    Don’t be silly–he was off to the Jersey Shore to hang with Chris Christie!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      “There ain’t room enough here for the both of us!”

    • SeeTrain65

      He’s got an ‘in’ with Snooki.

  • Oblios_Cap

    they’re so vile and inaccurate

    Projection. LePage sees vile and inaccurate everyday in his mirror.

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    Fortunately LePage hasn’t been quite as destructive as Brownback, and with only 18 months to go until he’s term-limited I’d rather he play his stupid games with the press than with the levers of power.

    • jenny_whyme

      Our legislature is split… and, while there are plenty of tea party Republicans in Maine. there are still are a few nearly sane Republicans, too.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “From now on, all my official lies will be distributed through my spokesmen, John LeMiller, and John LeBarron.”
    — Paul LePage

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      “LeBron LeJames”

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Shhh, don’t let LeGov find out LeBron LeJames is a blah!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    At last minute, Smoothie and Shifty were forced to cancel their big drug shipment, as their nemesis, the governor, would remain in the state after all, and as vigilant as ever.

  • Mavenmaven

    Don’t believe what I say, only what I do. Actually, don’t believe that either.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Hey so Trump and Putin are in loves! The snuggled for over 2 hours and Trump really loves anal. You’ll love anal too, America!

    • Oblios_Cap

      It took an hour to fix Donnie Two Scoops’ bed hair.

      • Three Finger Salute

        I thought that was how his hair always looked.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Dude, keep talking like that and you’ll ruin anal for me!

  • OrdinaryJoe

    LePage. Sticks with stupid.

  • 1984: It’s a cookbook!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Assuming this was all a clever trap to prove that, umm, reporters report stuff, why would he make a Republican legislator the stooge in his devious plot…are the Dems just not taking his calls anymore?

    • jenny_whyme

      Lepage really isn’t the sharpest tack on the bulletin board. This isn’t the first time he’s left a voice mail that came back to bite him in the ass.

  • x111e7thst

    he could have told some story about “hiking the appalachian trail”, but just looking at him no one would believe that

  • SayItWithWookies

    LePage may be the only Republican politician stupider than Assmouth. So watch for a primary challenge in 2020.

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      The competition is so stiff! Louie Gohmert, Trey Gowdy, Devin Nunes, Steve King…

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        We need a Wonkette® Legislative Dumbass of the Year

        • Rags

          It would need centuries to catch up

          • Résistance Land Shark Ω

            Legislative Dumbass of the Year
            Best Supporting Dumbass, State Level
            Best Supporting Dumbass, Local Level
            Best Supporting Dumbass, US Senate
            Best Supporting Dumbass, US House of Representatives

            So many dumbasses … we’d have to create unlimited categories.

  • Indiepalin

    After all this bruhaha, Pepe LePew needs a vacation.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Shifty, Big Money, and EZ Fresh, all coming up from Connecticut to Maine, to impregnate the white girls and write fake news stories and tag all of the confederate monuments. Filthy trash! We hateses them!

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Smooth-E libel!

  • Indiepalin

    Sen. Katz was forced to confirm rumors that his refrigerator is indeed running.

    • JustDon’tSaySortMyBalls

      But instead of Prince Albert, there were clams in the can.

      • The Wanderer


      • mailman27

        How dare you.

  • Does becoming a Republican leader make you an asshole or were you already an asshole and thus became a Republican leader? Discuss.

    • Mr. Blobfish


    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      If you truly aspire to achieve excellence in the field of assholedom, a leadership role in the GOP is like graduating from Harvard summa cum laude.

    • BeachBum

      You need to be an asshole with a giant grudge to be a Republican leader.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Well, think about the fact that the man lives in a low-wage state, makes a healthy salary, has his living expenses paid for, and his wife works as a diner waitress (although any suggestion that she’s doing that to launder under-the-table payoffs from people doing business with the state would obviously be fake news until such time as somebody proved it).

    • Alex Grey

      Somehow both…

  • Bub, the truculent Zombie

    Maine governor and “man helping out this momma fish by taking care of her eggs so she can hit the beauty parlour” Paul Page:

    • greyXstar

      Well, I’ll never be able to unsee that. Thanks

      • The Wanderer

        Your avatar is entirely appropriate to your non-comment.

        • greyXstar

          Never fails!

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Paul LePage told several lies right in a ROW? I’m shocked, I tell you, SHOCKED!

  • Mavenmaven

    Its a prank, bro, it was just a prank!

  • Me not sure

    I guessed “asshole” he was thinking “elbow”.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    He and Christie can park their bloated, spiteful carcasses on any beach in Hell.

  • jesterpunk

    “How dare these lying reporters report on the lies that came out of my wordhole.”

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    If I was living in Maine I would start “The Maine Fake Picayune” or something on that line.
    I would publish nothing but fake news about LePage.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Sample headlines may include:
      “Paul LePage is smart, and also not racist”
      “Paul LePage svelte and handsome”
      “Gov. LePage definitely knows how government works, wasn’t trying to pocket veto those stupid bills anyway”

  • marxalot

    This is so stupid it’s nigh incomprehensible. I mean “ha! he believes me!” is for tall tales at parties and lies to freshmen. Cat’s Arse is really taking “smug half-smart stinkmonger” to a new level.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    This fucking gut. What a shitweasel moran.

  • Dutchman

    Elliot Cutler’s fault.

  • Old Nick

    So glad (1 I don’t live in this asshole’s state (since last September) and (2 I moved to California where we have sane executive and US Senators. And yes LePage won twice because the sane people vote split between a good guy (Michaud) and a fat headed asshole (Elliot Cutler)

    • Dutchman

      Had’ja heard that Cutler’s selling his $11MM mansion in Cape Elizabeth so he can move into Portland? He’s pretty roundly hated in Portland, seems an odd move.

      Also too, that he’s recruiting Independents to run against Dems now that Maine Supremes struck down ranked choice?

      • Old Nick

        I still have good friends up in the County, but they (like most in the County) are tough and will live to see LePage in the outhouse.

        • Dutchman

          Marden’s Brand Outhouses. For when you need things to fall through the cracks.

    • Jado

      I would laugh, but I live in NJ. Our Governor goes to the beach while making sure everyone else isn’t allowed to go to that beach. So, I really have no room to talk…

  • OddMan

    My wife has a friend she went to school with who lives in Maine. Every once in awhile Ms. Odd gets a call from her Maine friend who usually has had a glass of wine or two first, and lately has been ranting non stop about Governor LePage. She says all her local friends are also apoplectic about Gov Bozo, I’ll have to give her the link to this story, I’m quite sure she has never heard of Wonkette and will get a real kick out of it.


    “My PenIs On Vacation” By Paul LePage

    • Augustus

      BRAVO !!

  • Marceline

    I’m so sick of these fuckers acting like everything is a game.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    I’m sure the people of Maine are thrilled to pay him to sit in his office and make up lies so he can amuse himself by lying about those lies some more.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      They should dock his salary.


  • Dudleydidwrong

    Lived in Maine for nearly 30 years. It’s a great place with great people but the political system can go off the rails quite easily as quirkiness abounds. Governor Library Paste is the latest example of that.

    • John Thorstensen

      Mucilage libelz!

      • covfefesumgame0005

        all those poor rendered horses…

  • Relativicus

    “Hah! So I told that stupid Bernstein to meet me in the garage where I said ‘follow the money.’ Whaddya think he did? I know, right?!? Idiots…”

    -Pres. Richard M. Nixon

  • William

    Why is it fake news when it disagrees with these right wing tubs of shit, but credible when it agrees with them?

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    Because people expect their governor to mock them, troll them, and generally Not Care.

    • mancityRed6

      since he brags about spending all day making up stories to leak rather than do his job, I’d expect no less.

  • Panika MCD

    so is his pen on vacation to Florida? or is it on staycation? and how much does a pen vacation/staycation cost the taxpayers in Maine?

  • greyXstar

    I don’t want him or his stupid pen vacationing here. We’ve already passed the moron quota, thanks!

    • covfefesumgame0005

      if you live in FLA you are in the middle of a major exporter of more then room temp IQ’s fleeing the stupid!

      • greyXstar

        Wish I could join them but my parents are in rough shape.

    • covfefesumgame0005

      FYI I did live there for some years, got married there then divorced and moved 3,000 miles to get away from her :)

    • jenny_whyme

      He and his wife have a house in Florida.

      • greyXstar

        Oh gross

  • mancityRed6

    “attempting to get Senators to return his call”
    it would take way to much introspection for him to actually wonder why it’s so hard to get his calls returned.

    • jenny_whyme

      I think it has something to do with the governor not actually answering is phone.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    “My pen’s on vacation” ? Did he really think somebody would fall for that ?

    • covfefesumgame0005

      well, seeing his age and size his penis is probably on vacation without those rentboys and “V”…

  • Teto85

    He has a most punchable face. I would love to punch his face with a baseball bat. And votes.

  • Christopher Story


    • covfefesumgame0005


      • Christopher Story

        I just meant, they aren’t even being shy about the ideologies anymore. He said everything short of the actual word.

        • covfefesumgame0005

          oh I have no doubt he is a Mussolini fan!

      • Precisely.

    • SeeTrain65

      “Light on the starch, please.”

  • Signs you may be a crappy governor #91182: You have to lie about leaving town to get senators from your own party to return your calls.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    Wow, LePage sounds like one of those dicks who plays “practical jokes” that are no wittier than kick his friend in the balls.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    Dok, I must indicate my extreme anger that in your wrap up, you failed to mention LePage’s binders full of brown men who’ve allegedly committed crimes.

    ; )

    (just kidding, but that binder shit was crazy too!)

    • jenny_whyme

      It’s just Shifty and D-money anyway.. more of a notebook than a binder.

      • HorseChestnut

        Also, I don’t think I’ve ever met a Black man willing to go by “Shifty.” That’s a white-ass biker-style gang name.

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          it was the nickname of one of the men in the band of brothers miniseries – a white dude. (I’m hedging b/c it may very well have been an invention for the movie or his actual nickname).

          FWIW, I knew a black guy once who’s nickname was Peanut.

          • HorseChestnut

            Poor dude. Drew the short nickname stick.

  • ggaston1960

    My penis on vacation…. for $100 Alex.

    • phoenix00

      Needs to recover from such hard work?

      • ggaston1960

        Not lately. Sad.

        • phoenix00

          Maybe a stiff drink will erect his mood?

  • Fancy Meau-Faux

    I liked Peter Steele better before he became a LePage minion.

    (Yes, I know it’s a different dude)

  • President in Exile Firefly

    So is “my pen is on vacation” code for his erectile dysfunction?

  • Le Chapeau

    Actual stupid people are insulted by any comparison with Gov. LePage.

  • Incoming Ham

    If he is going to make up stories for the press it’s only fair that they get to make up stories about him.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      But do they need to? He seems more than able to provide them with nonsensical actions to report upon.

  • mailman27

    I understand that some half-assed three candidate run-off allowed LePage to win his last election, but the fact remains that a substantial portion of Mainers voted for this idiot. Are we doomed? We are doomed. It’s not just Maine.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    I think the lesson here may be that the press shouldn’t report on conservatives at all. You know, until they are caught in a men’s room with a hooker, found to be embezzling, or doing other typical immoral (and/or illegal) Republican behaviors. It shouldn’t take long to find some…if you are determined to look.

  • Rickyphoo

    My brother lives in Maine and thinks LePage is the best thing that ever happened to Maine. My brother is A Idiot.

  • akita96th

    LePage could be the next republican front runner for ANY office he seeks even president…After all The biggest dumbest ballsack of them all got to be prez…And stupid is his security blanket…LePage is out of the same playbook as Trump dumber than a 10lb bag of smelly dicks and loved by the local stupids..because they know he loves Jesus…PLUS he is the perfect moron who tosses a steady diet of word salads for his followers to rejoice in…A beacon of ignorance that attracts only the brightest voters.

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