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Sincerely, the U.S. government

Well this is a story that is very unfair to Jesus! A while back, we learned that Hobby Lobby, the slut-pill-hating evangelical Christian company owned by the evangelical Christian Green family, was under federal investigation just for MAYBE illegally importing a bunch of looted religious artifacts from Iraq in 2010 and 2011, so they could put them in their Bible Museum For Bibles And The People Who Love Them, which is set to open soon in Washington DC. You see, when places like modern-day Iraq, a region that featured heavily during Bible Times, are ripped asunder by war, they are also looted of ancient artifacts and whatnot, and the plunderers help those fancy items find their way to the black market so nice families like the Greens can buy some Old Timey Iraqi Bible swag for themselves.

Did the Greens buy their sexxxy ancient cuneiform tablets directly from ISIS? Well, no. For one thing, the group known as ISIS wasn’t really in full swing when Hobby Lobby was doing these illicit transactions. The Green family bought them through dealers from Israel and the United Arab Emirates, and they were then shipped to America “from Turkey” (not from Turkey) labeled as “samples of ‘hand-crafted clay tiles,'” which was a great big bullshit lie. Now Hobby Lobby has settled the case and agreed to give up all the Bible stuff it stoled, and the corporate person with sincerely held religious beliefs must also pay a $3 million fine for its crimes:

Hobby Lobby has now agreed to forfeit thousands of antiquities that it bought over the years — via a process that prosecutors say was “fraught with red flags” — and pay an additional $3 million to resolve any claims by the US government, according to court papers filed on Wednesday.

US laws restrict the import of Iraqi cultural items that were looted from Iraqi institutions or where “a reasonable suspicion exists that they were illegally removed.” Iraq bars the export of antiquities and restricts private possession.

Because it’s a civil asset forfeiture case, it has an awesome name:

The United States of America v. Approximately Four Hundred Fifty (450) Ancient Cuneiform Tablets; and Approximately Three Thousand (3,000) Ancient-Clay Bullae.

GO TO JAIL, tablets and bullae!

But anyway, who among us has not bought “approximately four hundred fifty (450) ancient cuneiform tablets and approximately three thousand (3,000) ancient-clay bullae” (looted from Iraq while babies’ heads were getting blown off) from Israeli and Emirati antiquities dealers, then lied about the value, provenance and contents of the big heavy boxes we’re shipping to America in order to avoid government scrutiny, so our brand new shiny History Bible Stuff can be prominently featured in our brand new shiny History Bible Museum? Totally normal!

Hobby Lobby wired $1.6 million to seven different bank accounts associated with five different people to pay for the items. The artifacts were shipped to the United States in multiple packages falsely labeled “Tiles (Sample).” They were also sent to multiple locations. As the complaint notes, “The use of multiple shipping addresses for a single recipient is consistent with methods used by cultural property smugglers to avoid scrutiny by Customs.” On customs forms, the UAE dealer supplied false invoices that substantially undervalued the pieces, presumably as a way to avoid customs inspection.

What part of BADASSEST BIBLE MUSEUM EAST OF THE MISSISSIPPI do these dork ass U.S. investigators not understand?

Hobby Lobby says it’s sorry for robbing the Middle East of all its Bible stuff, and blames the whole kerfuffle on how it was new at smuggling Bible stuff at the time. Won’t happen again, that is for sure! As part of its agreement with the big secular government, Hobby Lobby has to promise to be REALLY careful in the future, and if the company buys any more hot Bible merchandise in the next 18 months, it has to report those purchases.

Hobby Lobby is still allowed to break into your house in the middle of the night and replace your stash of slut pills with glue and glitter though.

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[The Atlantic / Buzzfeed]

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  • BadKitty904

    Hypocrisy is a helluva drug.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Wild Cat

    Jesus and the Portland Police say it’s OK to steal if you’re a representative of God from Hobby Lobby.

  • msanthropesmr

    What’s that ninth commandment again?

    • jesterpunk

      “Blame Obama and complain you are being oppressed?”

      • msanthropesmr

        “I’m forgiven, therefore you go fuck off.”

    • Vincent Ricola

      Thou shalt not give a fuck about international smuggling laws?

      • msanthropesmr

        IOKIYAR

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      #STFUTweety?

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      “Thou shalt not talk about Fight Club?”

    • ariel_gee_398

      “Remember the slut-shaming, and keep it holy.”

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    They broke all the Commandments.

  • msanthropesmr

    A simple internet search finds
    Leviticus @19:11
    Psalm 119:163
    Proverbs 12:22
    Etc….

  • Bill D. Burger
    • msanthropesmr

      “Place an aspirin between knees”

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        “Place an aspirin this tablet between knees” fify yw

        • Jerilynadaniels

          Managing director of Google says we are paying $97 per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family^hi227:
          On tuesday I got a great new Toyota Prius Prime from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it,.Then see this
          ~xd227:
          ➽➽
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash527GroupSecret/GetPay$97/Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★:::::~xd227..,..

  • Lizzietish81

    Holier than Thou War Profiteering Hypocrisy!

    IT’S THE AMERICAN WAY!!!!

    • msanthropesmr

      I have some chocolate covered cotton for you.

  • Joe Beese

    In fairness, they are clay tablets and they were hand-crafted.

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    hmmm, hypocritical fundies. Color me amazed.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Wild Cat
  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    Slut set them up.

  • Vincent Ricola
    • Wild Cat

      Now, 44% of “Americans” will not be pleased with this ending.
      Nixon, Ford, and Reagan’s trickle-down hate.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Gayer Than Thou

    Clay Bullae would be an awesome drag king name for an archeologist.

    • marxalot

      …I have to send this to some friends.

  • Joe Beese

    “The panda is very cute but we have still have those unresolved trade issues to discuss.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b74798823b38240958f9eeb114c8fec0b0259b924c6ab5d92a3818685be90713.png

  • memzilla Ω

    I’m actually surprised that the Green’s defense of “those slutty antiquities were just asking for it, waving their bullae and plinths around in public” didn’t work.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    What they need is a Chief Looting Officer.

    • Wild Cat

      They already have a Chief Looting Investigating Triage Officer Rectum In Scripture (CLITORIS) on staff.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Love the CNN header right now:

    [Trump Being Prepped by Aides for Meeting with Putin]

    This came to mind:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5357ee36e364d98a5bb3dfcdddd7cf693912fa92e320a32868014dbf86ea171e.jpg

    • MynameisBlarney
    • susan_g

      You left out the lube.

      • LucindathePook

        good

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      hands are too big

    • Wild Cat

      Nyet. Gonna clash with Giuliani’s outfit.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      The hair’s all wrong in that pic.

  • Bub, the truculent Zombie
    • Vincent Ricola

      They should’ve made him sleep in the airport like those fun movies from the 80s.

      • Querolous

        Here’s an option for him:
        Generalkonsulat der Russischen Foederation in Hamburg,
        Am Freenteich, 20, 22085 Hamburg
        (phone +49 (40) 229-5201, 229-5301; fax +49 (40) 229-7727; email mail@generalkonsulat-rus-hamburg.de)

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I mean, it’s not like he’s in the fucking hotel business or anything…

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        That might have been the problem. His staff was probably looking for a Merkel Haus hotel somewhere near the Chancellor’s Office, but didn’t know she’s actually got ethics.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      In fairness, Trump didn’t tell them he was going until yesterday.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Again? Isn’t this what happened the last time and ol’ Rexy had to stay at some spa resort half an hour away?

      • Rick Hill

        It’s their first day….

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      I hear the Comfort Inn in Hamburg has a pretty good breakfast buffet.

      Or he could stay at the Holiday Inn Express, and maybe wake up smarter.

      • Bub, the truculent Zombie

        Maybe the if dumb bastard could stop tweeting long enough to check Expedia…

    • Rick Hill

      “So I said “Like, wow, Tiffany! Do you really think that’s appropriate?” and then….What? Oh, no, I’m at work now….ya, supposed to be making arrangements for some big trip or something…I think someone else is taking care of that, someone who is getting paid needs to handle this. Not my job….so, anyway, I said “Tiffany…”

    • cmd resistor

      Bet he was peeved that King got the whole Four Seasons, AND had camels.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    The bitter irony is that a thousand years from now people will be digging up the crap Hobby Lobby customers make and building altars around it.

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-loyQSLoJWuw/UMyocCwtLgI/AAAAAAAABLA/o-PoKT8HPn0/s320/macaronijesus.jpg

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      ‘The origins of the Cult of Pasta Jesus are unknown, but scholars have reason to believe it began in what used to be Elkhart, Indiana.’

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Now be honest – an authentic ancient cuneiform tablet would look great next to that “Live, Laugh, Love” sign in the hallway.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      With that many tiles I was thinking guest bathroom floor

  • Mormos

    the Iraq war: trillions spent, nations destroyed, millions dead, origins of human civilization lost.

    someone has a lot to answer for…

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Republicans in Congress will start an investigation on who is responsible just as soon as they find out who is running on the Democratic ticket in 2020.

  • Joe Beese

    ALSO SPRACH TRUMP

    What we want to see in the United States is honest, beautiful, free, but honest press. We want to see fair press. I think it is a very important thing. We don’t want fake news. And by the way, not everybody is fake news. But we don’t want fake news. Bad thing, very bad for our country.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c006532d79ed4edf5b0fd900baa39a2a3ead16d2787b15b17444846016305d23.png

  • Michael R
    • Joe Beese

      He’s not as thin as I pictured.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Where’s his yarmulke?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Those bible stories are just more interesting in the original Sumerian.

    • Real clay tablet-turners!

    • Michael R
      • OutOfOrbit

        Me purdy sure Jeebus didn’t look like that there pitcher.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          He’s missing his MAGA hat.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Sargon->Moses->Jesus->Kal-El

        They basically have the same nativity story.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          Exodus 2:
          5 And the daughter of Pharaoh came down to wash herself at the river; and her maidens walked along by the river’s side; and when she saw the spaceship among the flags, she sent her maid to fetch it.
          6 And when she had opened it, she saw the child: and, behold, the babe was incredibly strong. And she had compassion on him, and said, This is one of the Kryptonians’ children.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      “It’s Sumerian.”

      “Can you read Sumerian?”

      “In my sleep. Underwater with the lights off. Of course I can read Sumerian.”

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Well that’s one way to find all the stolen Iraqi museum pieces…just wait until they shows up in the vaults of assholes.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      See: Gilgamesh, Epic of.

  • nightmoth

    As if we needed any more proof of Hobby Lobby’s general assholishness.
    I read the brief and with the multiple shipping addresses and multiple bank accounts and the president of the company hisownself going over there—they knew perfectly well what they were doing! Book ’em, Dano,

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      That was my question- “why is nobody going to jail for this?”
      Rich white Christian, Murica, just say you’re sorry and promise not to smuggle antiquities ever again.

      • OutOfOrbit

        Rich white males never go to prison.

        • nightmoth

          Yep. Rich white males get slapped in the wallet. Poor white and poor black males get slapped, period. And kicked, and tasered, and sent to death row.

        • toughsister

          One rich jewish male did: Bernard Madoff.

          • Beowoof14

            Well he did steal from rich white guys so they had to make a demonstration case to prevent future crimes.

          • Noxious Resistance

            Yes, but only for the cameras. Many others who did the same got away.

      • therblig

        Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven.

    • OutOfOrbit

      IOKIYRAF

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Why is it terrible people seem to have so much money?

    #capitalismfail

    • OutOfOrbit

      You donut get rich by playing nice (or fair). “Behind every great fortune is a greater crime.”
      –?

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      To be honest, there are a LOT of terrible people who are poor. Otherwise Dampnut wouldn’t have won back in November.

      • BadKitty904

        Well, + Russia…

        • OutOfOrbit

          + Comey

    • CafeenMan

      Because it’s much easier to get rich if you ditch your personal integrity.

      People who try to lead moral, ethical lives take issue with screwing people out of their money and a lot of other things that anyone can do if they leave their morals behind.

      Not that you can’t get rich and be a good person but it’s a lot more work and requires some good luck.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Because behaving ethically limits your opportunities to amass wealth.
      See: Osteen, Joel, et al

    • toughsister

      That’s what Dorothy Parker said: “If you want to know what god thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.”

    • Marion in Savannah

      Because they obviously have no compunctions about lying, cheating, stealing, and smuggling. Makes piling up the cash much easier.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Don’t forget raping the planet. There’s a lot of money to be made there.

  • BadKitty904

    OT: File under “Incredibly Obvious False Flag”…

    Police: Man Writes Anti-Trump Graffiti to Blame ‘Liberals’
    https://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2017/07/06/us/ap-us-anti-trump-graffiti.html

    • Antonin Dvorak

      He thought using proper grammar would throw them off the trail.

      • BadKitty904

        It was all part of his Cunning Plan…

  • Mormos

    it was my childhood dream to be a Mesopotamian archaeologist, then when i was 16 the war happened.

    Fuck you Bush. Fuck you with a hornet’s nest in hell forever.

    • Bush, Darth Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Rice should all be in prison for war crimes.

      • Mormos

        dont forget Tenet and Bremer.

        i still reflect sadly on Xenophon’s description of Ninevah: 18 miles across with walls 100 feet high and 50 feet thick.

        A city so primordial that even its name had been forgotten by the time of the ancient greeks. Seeing those ruins he thought it must have been built by the gods.

        All lost to us now…

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          Especially Bremer. But especially Rumsfeld. And Wolfowitz, especially.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          There was a fascinating documentary on the PBS series “Secrets of the Dead” in which British scholar Stephanie Dalley presented pretty convincing evidence that the Hanging Gardens of Babylon were actually the Hanging Gardens of Ninevah. I’m glad they made this film when they did, because the evidence is probably gone forever.

      • clubseal

        Can’t leave out torture defending Yoo.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Maybe they were redecorating. I bet those tiles would look great in the bathroom.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Come for the yarn, stay for the war crimes.

  • CafeenMan

    So if “Corporations are People” then why can’t a corporation be imprisoned or even receive the death penalty when it kills people?

    • Covfefe

      As in “involuntary Chapter 7?”

      • CafeenMan

        As in take all the officers and the board of directors and throw them in jail. Maybe if that happened enough times, corporations would clean themselves up a little bit.

        As things stand now, they make $30 million on some bogus deal and then get fined $250K after they get busted and nobody goes to jail.

        It’s not much of a deterrent.

    • OrG

      Because corporations are NOT PEOPLE.

      • CafeenMan

        Citizen’s United is the law of the land.

        The point is that they get to play all sides. They aren’t people when it comes to legal matter but when it comes to politics they are people.

        • OrG

          I call BULLSHIT!

          • CafeenMan

            It is bullshit. Do you think I’m agreeing that corporations are people? They obviously aren’t. But the Supreme Court decided they were but only in the ways that benefit corporations and in none of the ways that there are consequences an actual person would suffer.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          It’s sort of the same with women. We are people when it benefits men, but we are not people when it benefits only women. Ditto for children.

          • CafeenMan

            Yeah, but all right-wing “principles” are like that.

            They have a deeply held conviction as long as it works in their favor or against people they hate.

            When it stops doing that then suddenly they have the exact opposite “deeply held” conviction.

            It’s never been more obvious than now after eight years of telling us how “un-Presidential” Obama was for stupid, petty things. Now they support a horrible man and nothing he does is “un-Presidential” in their eyes.

            They have no actual principles beyond their hatred, greed and selfishness.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Very true. It’s like “Fake News” – it’s fake when they disagree with it, but never fake when they agree with it, even when it is provably, factually fake.

    • Canis Greyhame

      They apply the concept of corporate-personhood in the same way that they adhere to Old Testament doctrine: selectively!

  • Gosh, look at all that persecution of Christians, making that oh-so-Christian company and family follow Laws and not buy stolen stuff. Christians everywhere should worry about such an egregious assault on Christianity! Apparently.

    • marxalot

      Christianly.

    • toughsister

      As I often said: so many christians, so few lions…
      Thieves, looters, oppressors, pedophiles, liars, traitors, and yet, they claim to practice the One True Faith, and in the purest fashion imaginable.

      • yyyaz

        When you believe the Hugely Gigantic Impossibly All-Powerful Loves-Us-to-Death Sky Fairy will forgive you for anything if you are sorry about it and then reward you with an eternal life of joy, you might be an Xtain.

  • bookish

    SHRINKING STATE

    Bottom Line Up Front:

    • The U.S. State Department bleeds talent and expertise at all levels, including in places where the U.S. is engaged in violent conflict, to the long-term detriment of the American people.

    • Failing to fill senior positions impedes Congressional oversight over crucial foreign policy decisions.

    • The State Department risks becoming increasingly obsolete as its leadership prioritizes a bureaucratic reorganization over substantive reform.

    • Blame lays squarely, if not entirely fairly, at the feet of Secretary Tillerson, who promised on Day One to “embrace accountability.”

    On February 2, in an appearance greeted with much enthusiasm, newly-confirmed Secretary of State Rex Tillerson urged State Department employees to share his embrace of accountability, honesty, and respect as core values, saying he would defer to the Department’s institutional knowledge and deploy talent and resources efficiently. Three months later, Tillerson told employees that an “America First” foreign policy meant, “It’s America first for national security and economic prosperity.” While the U.S. was building relationships, promoting trade, and sparking international economic growth over the years, “We just kind of lost track of how we were doing, and, as a result, things got a little out of balance.” Confusion and concern began to replace enthusiasm.

    While inviting employees to help him rethink how State “delivers on mission,” the means Tillerson offered was an odd little survey that reportedly attracted a response rate under 50%. As has been widely reported, after months on the job, scores of senior positions are left unfilled at the State Department, without nominees even in prospect. Tillerson and his team decided, prior to obtaining adequate data, that State’s workforce needed to be trimmed, resulting in the indefinite freezing of routine reassignments of civil servants to offices pursuing higher priorities. Tillerson wants the State Department to stop adjusting in response to real-world developments–until he and his team can rationalize their preconceived notions concerning budget volume and workforce size.

    Alarmingly, when the acting head was pulled from the bureau responsible for India, Pakistan, and Afghanistan, the bureau was left with just one senior person and a deputy assistant secretary had to be quickly yanked from the Counterterrorism Bureau. Roughly one-third of embassies, including, significantly, Kabul, lack Senate-confirmed leadership, a key point of concern made by a bipartisan Senate delegation in Afghanistan this week. Compounding the appearance of inattention, the position for the Special Representative for Afghanistan and Pakistan was recently eliminated. At the same time, many mid-level employees covering senior positions understand that the ongoing State hiring freeze means that they should not expect compensation for the additional work they are forced to do soon, if ever.

    The State Department is increasingly challenged to get the right people to the places where they are needed to ensure that U.S. national interests and American citizens are protected. Without confirmed appointees to assistant secretary positions, Congressional oversight of foreign affairs will suffer. While Tillerson recently announced entry-level hiring into the Foreign Service would resume, other aspects of the hiring freeze are deepening. A new wave of senior departures will hit in August, and talented mid-career professionals are increasingly moving to the Department of Defense or the private sector.

    Globally, worry is increasing as the U.S. spins out an increasingly incoherent foreign policy, a concern many State Department employees share. Whether this disarray arises from Tillerson’s lack of managerial competence, or as a misguided outgrowth of White House efforts to shrink the bureaucracy in Washington, remains unclear. There have been recent reports of Tillerson pushing back against certain White House efforts to micro-manage State, but, on macro-level issues, such as the proposed 31% budget cut to the State Department and USAID, he seems all in. Tillerson needs to get State’s act together swiftly or embrace accountability for failing to do so. Historically, America’s power arose from applying a judicious mix of diplomatic, economic, cultural and military tools. Diminished diplomacy cannot be offset–safely or cost-effectively–by using more of the other tools, particularly not military action.

    • Proud Liberal

      In short…Nobody wants to work for the Trump Administration.

    • OutOfOrbit

      “It’s all part of the plan, Pinky.”

      • Beowoof14

        The plan to destroy everything.

  • Proud Liberal
    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Forbes annoys me. Were reasons 1 through 5: “Things looted from other people’s graves are not bric-a-brac to adorn the Fancy Faux-Antique Table in the Grand Foyer of your McMansion”?

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Do all those Faberge eggs that Malcolm owned count?

  • mardam422

    Maybe they could just use this piece of used toilet tissue that has a likeness of St. Matthew on it?

  • OrG

    Why only $3 million?

    • Proud Liberal

      My thoughts exactly!

    • CafeenMan

      I think they’re out all the money they paid for the stuff as well as the stuff. So it may be a drop in their financial bucket but it’s still got to sting.

      Plus everyone knows they did it.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      It was just looting a war-torn foreign nation of its priceless cultural artifacts. It wasn’t as if they’d done something awful like pay for an employee’s progesterone prescription.

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    I hope they got a contract stating that none of the money they paid will in any way contribute to paying for birth control.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Use the $$$ to help fund Planned Parenthood.That would sting.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Ooooh, that’s a great idea!

  • It was just a “regrettable” unfortunate mistake. Purely accidental. I mean, who among us hasn’t gone through false labeling and multiple go-betweens on payment and shipment to obscure the origins and destinations of multi-million dollar value ancient treasures?

    • Bitter Scribe

      I think Amazon offers that as a shipping option.

      • Covfefe

        Prime doesn’t actually cover the stuff that’s “available from other sellers.”

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        It’s called Amazon Plunder

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Yes, “mistakes were made.”

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      I did that twice last week. Who knew it was illegal?

      • Les Appentis De la résistance

        I hate it when they make new laws and don’t inform us.

  • x111e7thst

    I wonder if any of that cuneiform says “thou shalt not be a huge sack of shit for I am the lord thy god”

    • CafeenMan

      If you read the bible then you know that the christian god is a huge sack of shit. He’s petty, vindictive and behaves like a man who believes everyone wants to steal his goats and women.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I believe you are referring to the Old Testament, which would implicate the Hebrew god and not the Christian god. I don’t think the New Testament says a single word about goats. 😉

        • Marion in Savannah

          Well, there’s that bit about separating the sheep from the goats… (True story — our former rector in NYC was British and his family owned a sheep farm in England. He used to say the easiest way to separate a mixed flock of sheep and goats was to drive a truck through it. The goats were smart enough to get out of the way…)

        • CafeenMan

          It’s the same god. He drowned every child on the planet except for Noah’s because men had become “evil”. I don’t know many kids who are actually evil.

          So in the same vein where he punishes the wrong person he let his kid get nailed to a cross for “our sins”.

          But this god is supposedly “all-knowing” so he should have known exactly what is happening today and how letting his kid get tortured to death wasn’t going to fix anything.

          And so much more. Sorry, but I’m not going to “love” someone who tells me, “Love me or else! (you’ll suffer for eternity)”.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Well, you have to remember that all holy books are merely attempts by inadequate human beings to justify their alleged tribal, cultural, racial, ethnic and/or gender superiority by inventing a god that agrees with them. No truly supreme being would do the many vicious or petty things that are attributed to them by religions. Men make god in their own image, not the other way around.

        • Les Appentis De la résistance

          Scape goats. Barnabas was freed because Jews would cast their sins onto a goat and set it free. The lamb represented a direct connection to God. Jesus didn’t die for our sins, that was Barbabas. Early Christians got the story wrong because dumb.

      • Jay Silversmith

        You mean like Trump?

        • CafeenMan

          Yes, except literate and able to speak above a third grade level.

    • Mildred Broxon

      Maybe it had a quote from the Code of Hammurabi. You know, “The function of government is to protect the powerless from the powerful.” Hammurabi was NOT a Republican.

  • BearLeft

    Hobby Lobby is just flexing its new person-hood powers. In this brave new world, a corporation can be a hypocrite too. (Though I know we shouldn’t wish anyone actual, physical harm here, I love the faux graffiti.)

  • In the Boston Museum of Fine Art, they have a 9000 years-old pottery cup. That’s even older than the world!

    Wouldn’t that make an *awesome* coffee cup?

    • Lizzietish81

      I love the MFA, back in college we could go there for free and I lived nearby so I spent a lot of time there

      eta: My sister was there today to see the Bottecelli exhibit.

      • OutOfOrbit

        Lucky.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        I liked her in that sitcom, One Day at a Time…

        • yyyaz

          Yeah, but then she married an axe grinder. : (

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Like the ones with a dancing monkey?

  • cmd resistor

    I agree the case name is awesome.

  • toughsister

    The Green family: christians, thieves and looters.
    How many “christians” are slime?

  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    $3 million settlement? I don’t see many BOGO sales at Hobby Lobby in the near future.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I’m curious to know from where these items were stolen. That hasn’t been stated in any of the news reports yet, but they must have a provenance. And last time I checked the Ten Commandments doesn’t say a word about slut pills, but it does say “Thou Shalt Not Steal” (#8) and “Thou Shalt Not Covet” (#10).

  • Rick Hill

    Aside from this, the only thing I know agout HL is that my really really christian client went there to buy pulls for her cabinets. Cheapest crap I ever saw.

  • Beowoof14

    Birth Control = evil, buying stolen stuff from ISIS to sell to American dupes, just fine and Jesus approves.

  • clubseal

    This is the tail end of one of the untold stories of our war on Iraq. I’m actually quite surprised that anyone was held accountable, let alone an American company.

  • fawkedifiknow

    To those assholes at Hobby Lobby, laws against looting artifacts and importing them into this country are just another set of rules they are permitted to ignore, personally granted to them, and fuckwads like them, by Jesus, Amen.

    • efoveks

      They should know (intimately) about that Fruit of the poisonous tree…;)

  • Damn… I was hoping for Dr. Jones to show up, say “IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM!” punch them in the face, and then accidentally blow up their headquarters. Oh well, I guess a civil settlement and returning the artifacts works too.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      I’m disappointed their faces didn’t melt when they opened the crates.

  • icekat

    I don’t understand why Hobby Lobby didn’t argue they had a Sincerely Held Belief that the bible swag was, in fact, clay tiles from Turkey. That makes everything okay, right?

    • Canis Greyhame

      I guess the rights of a corporate-person supersede rights of its employees in America, so maybe they could have gotten away with it if they had ordered their store clerks to go over to Iraq and personally loot the tablets themselves. You know, out of a sincerely-held religious belief that all the Bible swag belongs to The Lord’s chosen representatives here on Earth, Hobby Lobby Inc.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Well, who’s gonna bother going to their museum now, now that the Jizz Sock of Turin exhibit has been shuttered?

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    They chose… poorly.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    They don’t know where that money went, and they didn’t much care. As far as I’m concerned, regional bad guys is a safe enough assumption to go on with.

  • Jennifer R

    Put them under the jail.

  • WeaselPoo

    “The use of multiple shipping addresses for a single recipient is consistent with methods used by cultural property smugglers to avoid scrutiny by Customs.”
    The moral of this story is that Christians should smuggle their stolen artifacts to just ONE shipping address—-customs scrutiny problem solved!

    • mardam422

      And if I try to get 10 balls of yarn delivered from Hobby Lobby to three different addresses, do you think I’d get free shipping?

  • Anna Rompage

    I hear someone might be selling a life sized Ark for cheap, which might come in handy seeing that these folk’s biblical exhibit pieces for their new museum were returned to the proper owners…

    Maybe they could pic up some dioramas of Jesus riding dinosaurs too…

    • WotsAllThisThen

      First I’d want to see if that ark is seaworthy.

      • Global warming will help you there…

      • Jay Silversmith

        Trust me…it’s NOT.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        I believe it is ce-ment. (said in my best Clampett voice.)

    • Canis Greyhame

      Yes, T-Rex in the Garden of Eden, velociraptors battling Nephilim in Stone Age coliseums, why it’s all right there in the not-Jesus part of the Bible!

  • Alan

    What the fuck is Hobby Lobby anyway?

    • Christopher Boscarino

      (With my Charlton Heston voice) Hobby Lobby is People! Hobby Lobby is People!

    • timpundit

      It’s one of the Circles of Hell Dante visited, where he was forced to purchase hot glue guns and felt until he was pure enough to crochet something for Jesus.

      • Alan

        Oh. It’s a craft store?

    • Les Appentis De la résistance

      Code word for blow job.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      A place for pious hypocrites with nothing but sanctimonious hatred in their lives to pretend that they’re accomplishing something by gluing things made by Chinese child labor onto other things made by Chinese child labor.

      • pstockholm

        Well somebody’s killing it today. Well done.

        • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

          *blushes *bows *loses balance because is too fat, pretends it was intentional HAHA so funny

  • Christopher Boscarino

    Alright, Evan. I noticed how you keep sneaking the word “kerfuffle” in your stories. It’s spelled “Covfefe”. I graduated from Trump University. I majored in Russian.

  • timpundit

    What would Jesus plunder?

  • Beanz&Berryz

    “new at smuggling Bible stuff at the time.”

    JFHC. There is probably almost not one single thing HL sells that isn’t imported.If there’s one thing HL knows, other than that Jesus hates sluts and gays, is the rules for importing shit. They were as purposely aware about the attempt to evade Customs scrutiny as any bad crimer that there is at meaning to do crimey stuff… That same corporate person ought to have an actual executive body or two to offer up, Biblically, for some prison time. What despicable people, corporate and otherwise…

  • calliecallie

    They were going to display those tablets in a Bible museum in DC? Did they think no one would notice the ancient tablets on display? That no one in DC, of all places, might put two and two together and wonder how these artifacts came to the US in the first place? Oy.

    • yyyaz

      Smrt.

    • Subliberal

      Indeed. In a city that is home to the Smithsonian and the Congressional Library and other such as places which just coincidentally employ history people, and who all probably read the WaPo arts & culture column, the Greens could totally expect no-one to read an article headlined “7,000 Sumerian cuneiform tablets magically appear at new “bible” museum”. The world of museums and their employees is actually rather small. Questions would be asked. As, apparently, they were.

      Also, too, the cultural-expert lawyer the Greens hired to shepherd them though this scam advised them it was hinky from the git-go. They decided to ignore him.

      Those Green people are flat-out stoopid.

  • calliecallie

    That Jesus in the 2020 cap is freaking me out. It seemed especially fitting to note that fact in this post. His eyes follow you, like he knows what you’ve done. And his chin is cleft like a plumber’s backside.

  • Indiepalin

    Hobby Lobby deserves credit for at least mandating separate bathrooms for male and female figurines.

    • Boscoe

      But all those Jesus lawn statues make me uncomfortable… why is he wearing a dress?

  • Mavenmaven

    Come on, everyone knows that Bible stuff belongs to Rich White People, who are created in the image of Jesus.

    • Boscoe

      And “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God” is just a complicated way of saying “the wealthy and powerful are better people than you and deserve all the things, if you don’t like it, go get wealthy.” -David Barton (paraphrased, probably)

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenResistance

    “Don’t you see what’s going on here? Good, hard-workin’, God-fearin’, Christian folks are bein’ persecuted for their sincerely held religious beliefs by godless secular humanist liberals, gay BLTs, the BLMs, Messicans, Democrats and Hillary Clinton!” – Spokesperson for Hobby Lobby.

    • Boscoe

      Wait for it…

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Extra points for “BLTs”

  • Daniel Hooper

    It’s crap like this that makes me draw a very distinct line between faith and religion. People who have strong faith are usually good people overall; people and organizations that are very religious seem way too willing to shove their beliefs down your throat while betraying the most basic ideas of their religion at their convenience.

    • Faith is believing things without evidence, I don’t see that as admirable.

      • Boscoe

        Exactly. What you’re looking for is compassion. People with compassion tend to be good people. People with faith tend to think there’s no point in caring about global warming because how could we possibly harm God’s creation? Similarly, the govt shouldn’t help people because then they won’t turn to Christ for help.

        • TakingAmes

          My faith teaches me to have compassion. Jesus specifically said to care for the least of our brethren, meaning the poor and downtrodden. These christianists are hypocrites, pure and simple.

        • Jay Silversmith

          “….because how could we possibly harm God’s creation?” It’s more like “who cares if we phuck up the planet? God will sort it out.”

  • Taking these items without examining their context and displaying them without knowing their provenance serves to erase history on both ends, something all religious fundamentalists strive to do.

    • Boscoe

      Well, it *IS* harder to rewrite history if the book is already filled up with actual history.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So what would be the Biblical punishment for theft? But of course that wouldn’t apply in this case because the truly pious never intend to be subject to the rules they impose on others. Just like King David was about adultery and murder.

    • covfefesumgame0005

      forced “marriage” and rape was his “holy” thing

    • osceola

      It would be appropriate to the era and location for the Code of Hammurabi to be enforced in this case.

  • The Librarian

    Isn’t thieving a sin to Hobby Lobbyists? I guess not if it’s for the “right” biblical reasons.

    • Ricky Gay

      IOKIYACP (It’s okay if you are a colon polyp)

    • Ducksworthy

      Nah. This was just receiving stolen property. Might fall under the coveting commandment. But only if the Iraqis were neighbors.

    • BigCSouthside

      The Jews did a whole lot of plundering in the OT. It’s cool if you do it to heathens

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    Its remarkable that they received anything after they wired the money. What would they be able to do about it?

    • Boscoe

      Seriously. Have the “artifacts” been verified by experts? I’m betting a few have “Hecho en Mexico” stamped on them…

    • cats530

      Send Betsey DeVos’ brother Erik Prince and his merry band of Christian mercenaries to slaughter anyone who ripped them off?

  • Ducksworthy

    Donald Rumsfeld told us shit happens when we saw the pictures of looters hauling off stuff from the Baghdad museum. Should have guess that right wing Xian shits were involved. I believe they were in charge of running the country by then.

    • BigCSouthside

      The hilarious thing is that if Paul Bremmer had handled the defeat of the Iraqi Army like a fucking normal person, that looting never happens.

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        That was probably one of the biggest clusterfucks in a parade of clusterfucks. This book was spectacular, I really recommend it to everyone: https://www.amazon.com/Imperial-Life-Emerald-City-Inside/dp/0307278832

        • Zyxomma

          Added to my reading list. Thanks. I don’t buy from Amazon, but I do borrow from NYPL.

          • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

            Oh, yes, we are loyal users of the LAPL and enormous supporters of public libraries!! It was just the easiest way to post the info! It really was a good book. Hope you enjoy it!

    • Boscoe

      I’m sure they’ll tell Jesus they were just “rescuing” them and totally would’ve given them back after the war, if they hadn’t accidentally forgotten. …And then will blame Jesus for not reminding them.

    • everstar

      I can’t think for any length of time about our utter failure to protect the cultural heritage of Iraq. I start ranting uncontrollably.

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    Ancient Mesopotamia predates the New Testament by quite a lot. These have fuck all to do with the Bible or Christianity. They’re just old.

    • Angry Red Bird DGAF

      Retroactive relevance.

    • Boscoe

      Luckily for Hobby lobby, religious faith is generally characterized by purposely not knowing things.

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        And misogyny and racism.

        • Keith Taylor

          Is it ever.

    • TakingAmes

      Good point, since cuneiform is typically not associated with the Bible.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Actually, there is association. Myths from the Sumerians and later cultures found their ways into some of the biblical stories. See the stories from the Gilgamesh legends, especially about Utnapishtim and the Great Flood as one example. Abraham (Abram) supposedly came from Mesopotamia. The “tower of Babel” was thought by some to be a ziggurat.

    • everstar

      Stop bringing up completely relevant facts!

      • Keith Taylor

        I know you are being sardonic and thanks be for that. Sure a lie can be half-way around the world before the truth is out of bed, and that has never been more true than now in the days of YouTube and Facebook, but facts do still catch up. In the long run it is facts that move the world.
        They do other things too. I have always liked the exchange in the Leigh Brackett SF story that has a man who has just witnessed something shattering and incredible repeat numbly, “It’s not true. It’s not true.” His companion answers harshly, “It may not be true. But it’s a fact. And it’s the facts that kill you.”
        Facts will triumph and facts must be brought up! Who’s with me?

        • Unless they are alternate facts. Then someone out there will believe those too.

          • Keith Taylor

            “Alternate fact” is an euphemism for “total fucking barefaced lie.” But there’s always a multitude out there to eagerly embrace it. Wish it wasn’t so, but it has to be, otherwise those millions who really did vote for Trump, wouldn’t have, right?

          • Indeed. Correct on all counts.

  • this country says it’s about

    “Because it’s a civil asset forfeiture case………….” Isn’t civil asset forfeiture the same law where the cops, just on the mere suspicion of a crime being committed, have seized cash, automobiles, and nearly everything that poor people own and then made them fight to get their property back even if they were found to have committed no crime? (The RICO Law?) If so why weren’t the assets of the Hobby Lobby owners seized? Those actions sure sounded like racketeering to me

    • BigCSouthside

      Hobby lobby has lawyers. And then the crazy Jesus fuckers who love hobby lobby have lawyers. That’s the difference

  • I had some clay bullae for desert last night.

    • thixotropic jerk

      Call Bullaeshit!

  • Spurning Beer

    That does it. HL has lost me as a customer. From now on, I’ll get my novelty garden signs and craft supplies elsewhere!

  • Panika MCD

    they could have totally bought it from ISIS/ISIL/Daesh. the group originated in 1999 as Jama’at al-Tawhid wal-Jihad and given its pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda, was known as Al Qaeda in Iraq–though it never called itself that–an participated in the Iraq insurgence in 2003. they didn’t pick up the name ISIS/ISIL/Daesh until 2014, but they were around. and what better way to fund your fledgling terrorist group than to loot cultural artifacts?

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      I’m sure they did. Who else would have had them and sold them? Thank you for the more specific information.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Luckily for the Green family, I have a 450 replacement cuneiform tablets and approximately three thousand (3,000) ancient-clay bullae for sale, C.O.D. and no questions asked. Yeah, they’re clay. Clay does too look like Play Doh.

    And I’ll have a piece of the one, true cross once I can find a whittling knife and a dead tree.

    In the meantime, they will just have to extend their exhibit “Treasures from The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum uh, Someplace.”

    • cats530

      Maybe Ken Ham could make them some talking tablets?

  • Boscoe

    WHAAAT? “Christians” being unethical scofflaws? CAN’T BE!

  • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

    ahem, Hobby Lobby?
    The 10 Commandments, of which you are always yammering about, contain 2 commandments which you directly and willfully violated.
    Thou shalt not steal [antiquities from a war-torn region]
    Thou shalt not bear false witness [on your Customs forms, postal labels, and by sending items to multiple locations]

    • cats530

      I’m wondering how long it will be before we hear the tiresome but familiar refrain of “Christian persecution!”

      • E.A. Blair
        • Keith Taylor

          People in the U.S. who profess to be Christian, 70 per cent. Muslims, 1 per cent. And even the atheists, BECAUSE they are atheists, would rather not see the country become Muslim. People of the Jewish religion would generally not be too ecstatic about the idea either. But you are in imminent danger of being forcibly converted to Islam!!! Wake up sheeple!!!!!
          (I know this is right because the sane and rational types over on President trump Channel say so.)

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Well, see, you’ve got it wrong. The commandment goes “Thou shalt not steal, except when it’s US, WE can steal, and it’s not stealing, we didn’t know it was stealing, no stealing, no stealing, YOU’RE the stealing!”

      • Keith Taylor

        And besides, as the well-known Sixth Commandment goes, “Thou shalt not kill,” which is really to say, thou shalt not murder any member of thine own tribe or group of tribes, when they worship the same god thou dost, but if they belong to other tribes and worship other gods and particularly if they happen to live on land which thou desirest (and thou are exempt here from the commandment which says thou shalt not covet what is another’s, also) then it is open slather and thou shalt kill everything that moves, except the young female virgins whom thou shalt make thy sex slaves. And what is more, thou shalt not kill does not apply to gays either.”

        • thixotropic jerk

          I feel the need to openly admit that I have slathered many many unslatherens in my time

    • Zyxomma

      Almost verbatim what I posted to FB about this, except I was a little more attacky to the Green family, and called the CEO hypocrite.

  • cats530

    How dare you trample on Sloppy Loppy’s religious free-dumb to steal shit. Why it’s their gawd given right! You hate ‘Murikkka! You hate Christians! You hate the Buy-Bull!

  • DainBramage

    Forfeiture and a lousy $3M, eh? I wonder what punishment I, as a private individual, would receive if I stole and illegally imported just one cuneiform tablet. Huge fine I couldn’t pay plus prison, I expect.

  • AndyC316

    Well shit, I guess they can’t afford those 50% off everything sales any more :C

  • whitroth

    Hey, what do you mean, hasn’t everyone bought that? My ancestors were so poor they could only afford three, oops, er, two tablets….

  • Twitter has pointed out that Hobby Lobby is re-enacting the first scene of the Exorcist, summoning Pazuzu and increase demonic possession stateside — ? —PROFIT!

    • Someone should have been damned for all eternity for making the Exorcist sequel – what a steaming pile of crap that was. It isn’t even in the “it’s so bad it’s good” awful.

  • ralphteb

    Let he who hath not stolen ancient artifacts from a war torn country ripped asunder by misguided American neo con adventure cast the first pilfered clay tablet, so sayeth some guy

    • Keith Taylor

      Probably the same guy who saideth, “The Lord hath appointed Donald Trump to save the U.S.A. from godless liberalism as is written in the Books of Ann Coulter.”

  • onedollarjuana

    Well, Leviticus 6:1-5 says that Hobby Lobby needs to restore everything and pay 20% more on top. Getting off easy, I would say.

  • Flashman

    I may have to return the pieces of the True Cross I got at Hobby Lobby.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Damn! Me, too. But I thought I bought the whole thing. Your pieces must be fake. (Mine did say something about “IKEA” and “assembly required on it….)

      • thixotropic jerk

        Weird! Thought mine said “INRI” at first too but in closer inspection you’re right: “IKEA”! Danggit I immolated the receipt too!

    • dshwa

      This is only going to increase the value of my Shroud of Turin cross-stitch.

    • Sally Eckhoff

      …and my Scourging kit, with free slut shame module.

  • A_Changeling

    If these texts have anything to do with the Bible, it’s probably that they contain earlier mythology that the proto-Jews looted for their own religion, thus ending up in the (Hebrew) Bible. There’s a nice symmetry there.

  • Mister Smith

    “stoled” ?

    Is there an educated adult at Wonkette?

    • ⭐️Most Accurate Poster 2017⭐️

      Your a idoit!

      • Mister Smith

        Maroon!

        • ⭐️Most Accurate Poster 2017⭐️

          See, now you’re – I mean your – getting it. Although the Wonkette style guide prefers “Moran”.

          • Why not both?

          • Dudleydidwrong

            “Why not both, also, too.?” Style.

          • RMKH

            Maroon is Bugs Bunny usage and therefore the preferred form.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      You mean “a educated adult,” don’t you?

      Here. Have some cut up hot dog’s and cakes we like.

      • Mister Smith

        Wonkbonics

      • Dan Ellingsen

        I believe that’s edjimacated…

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      Hi, Grammar Nazi, I’m Saxo the Grammarian. While I have deep admiration
      for good grammar, I am not a Nazi about it. That’s because using ungrammatical English for humorous effect is a valid editorial choice. Example: there was a pint of ice cream in the freezer. Mrs. Grammarian wanted some, but sadly enough, I eated it.

      So, which is more important? Excruciatingly correct grammar, or communicating affectively? (See what I did there?) Fish or cut bait, pink boy.

      • President in Exile Firefly

        He’s no Grammar Nazi. More like Romanian auxiliary troops crushed by Soviet T-34’s on the Eastern Front or Italian tank crews burning in their substandard machines in the Libyan desert.

        • Heyzeus Ahchay

          You, sir, are a Moran.

      • Mister Smith

        ‘Grammar Nazi” = anyone who points out illiteracy among supposedly educated adults.

        Lol!

    • President in Exile Firefly

      I have a PhD in Theoretical Scatology.

      • Mister Smith

        Trumptastic!

    • thixotropic jerk

      So glad you caughted that! The correct mispronounciation is “stoleded”. That’s with a “-eded” on accounta how it done past alreddy.

    • SeeTrain65

      To truly understand the frame of mind of the patrons, writers and owner of this site, please know the 2017 Wonkette Style Book is currently available for $19.95 by ordering online at growafuckingsenseofhumor.com.

  • Fancy Meau-Faux

    Considering that a lot of the art taken from the country was stolen by IS to fund their operations, at least some portion of that 1.6Mil likely went to funding RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISM. Good job assholes!!!

  • Mintie

    This fills me with such joy.

    Well, not the part about stealing my slut pills, but the rest of it is pretty awesome.

  • Jay Silversmith

    Meanwhile, HL employees were in the back room busily reproducing these tables in plaster of paris and staining them in time for the Easter sale.

  • 2010 to 2011 my ass. They were doing it until this went public and they are still probably doing it through spox. Directly funding actual really real terrorists AND looting the cultural history of another country.

  • The great achoo

    why isn’t the corporate death penalty a thing?

    • dshwa

      That’s the one “people” I’m pro death penalty for.

  • I’m only an interested amateur when it comes archaeology, but I still can’t quite figure why they wanted all these cuneiform tablets, which haven’t been properly documented and translated but are probably, like most of them, administrative inventories and maybe some correspondence, for a Bible museum. I mean, just because “Iraq? Israel? It’s the same thing!” to Bible crackers like this?

    • President in Exile Firefly

      Because God wrote the Bible on cuneiform tablets?

  • Jgb979

    So weird how their sincerely held religious beliefs include “no gays” “no abortion” “no slut pills” and apparently not “no stealing”.

    I’m pretty sure only one of the above makes the Ten Commandments.

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      No, no, no. They are only “commandments” if you’re not a Christian. If you’re a Christian, they are the 10 Suggestions.

      • norcalOG

        Makes you appreciate Mel Brooks as Moses coming down the mountain with the stone tablets featuring the 15 Commandments until one piece breaks. He then of course begins hawking the 10 Commandments.

        • Paul Russell

          I think the other 5 were “highly emphasized suggestions.”

        • Keith Taylor

          Also too, the Book of Exodus wasn’t written by Moses or even shortly after his time, but centuries later. Two versions of the Moses story, one from Israel, one from the southern kingdom, Judah, were combined and edited for political reasons even though the two priesthoods hated each other. So … there is not ONE set of ten commandments in Exodus, but TWO, the second in Exodus 34. The explanation is that Moses smashed the first set of stone tablets in a rage when he found the people doing the “Golden Calf” thing, and went back up the mountain after having all the disobedient folk slaughtered, to get a second set from the hand of God. They said exactly the same thing, claims the Book of Exodus, and even quote God himself as saying to Moses, “I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest,” even though you only have to read them to see that they are not the same words in any respect. Those commandments saying, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, just plain ain’ t there.
          But the people of God are commanded that they shalt ruthlessly with regard to other, heathen tribes, destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves, and also make no treaties or pacts with them.
          Fuck that.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    Hobby Lobby chose poorly.

  • norcalOG

    You might recall at the Last Supper, Peter said to the other apostles after Jesus and Mrs. Jesus had left the room, “Too bad we didn’t have an artist here. Some day all of us together with the woman will be a scene nobody can resist. We could make a bundle.”

    • Jerilynadaniels

      Managing director of Google says we are paying $97 per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family^hi225d:
      On tuesday I got a great new Mitsubishi i-MiEV from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it.Then start by visiting this link
      ~xd225d:
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    • Paul Russell

      LoL :-)

  • rick

    Obvs the Green Family are so pious (read: Think their shit don’t stink) ‘cuz the SCOTUS said they don’t have to offer their female employees, slut pills.

  • Rickyphoo

    The super religious Greens seemed to have forgotten the “Thou shalt not steal” commandment or more likely, as with their other mega wealthy pals, just fucking ignored it because Jesus loves rich motherfuckers so much.

    Is it wrong for me to hope that pestilence fall upon their house?

    • CafeenMan

      Right wingers treat everything the same way. If there’s something there that can be used against their enemies or to their own advantage then they pretend to revere it.

      If it works to their enemy’s advantage or to their own disadvantage then they ignore it.

      All right wing “principles” are like that.

      It’s why they whine on and on about “free speech” when they get banned from a privately owned blog but think it’s perfectly OK to assault and jail people who say things they don’t like.

      Another of those commandments that they completely ignore is the one where God specifically commanded them not to bear false witness.

      They do it frequently and deliberately. They’ve decided their personal integrity is worthless and have made it true.

    • Keith Taylor

      As I said when Erich von Daniken perceptively asked about the big Gilgamesh and Enkidu tag team match with the Humbaba in the ancient epic, “Isn’t that a description of a fight with a robot?” — in a word, no.
      It is not wrong for you to hope this.
      Or if it is, you are wrong in a great deal of company.

  • Cogswell – in a mirror darkly

    Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood hypokkkhristians!

  • unionthuggery

    Glitter and glue as a replacement for slut-pills? The glitter is bad enough, there are places from which that shit is near impossible to remove. Adding glue to the mix is just cruel.

  • Paul Russell

    Religious high rollers can be easy to scam when the scammers seem pious like them. Sin of Pride, and all that.
    “Hey, Mr. Green, we have secured all these cool Biblical era bobbles from war-torn Iraq, and we need someone like you to buy and preserve them so the mean Muslims don’t burn/desecrate/destroy them. For several $M (just add shipping and handling) our (not necessarily Jewish) contacts in Israel will get them to ‘Turkey’ where they can then be legally shipped to your stateside antiquities fence — I mean Bad-ass Bible Museum. You then look good, we make commission, and the Baby Jesus smiles on us all. Oh, and before I leave with your check, can I have a few sample glitter bombs to shop around back home? Those Muslim Brotherhood guys really love to glam-out their Yazidi sex slaves.”

  • cats530

    Wouldn’t it be ironic if these tablets, when translated, venerate a religion such as Goddess worship or recipes for ancient birth control? Patriarchal Christian heads will explode.

  • Hobby Lobby Robby.

  • Subliberal

    Indeed.
    In a city that is home to the Smithsonian and the Congressional Library
    and other such as places which just coincidentally employ actual history
    people, and who all probably read the WaPo arts & culture column, or at the very least gossip, the Greens could totally expect no-one to read a potential article headlined
    “7,000 Sumerian cuneiform tablets magically appear at new “bible”
    museum”. The world of museums and their employees is actually rather
    small. Questions would be asked. As, apparently, they were.

    Also, too, the cultural-expert lawyer the Greens hired to shepherd them though
    this scam advised them it was hinky from the git-go. They decided to
    ignore him.

    Those Green people are flat-out stoopid.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Well, I think you could certainly have been more fair to Hobby Lobby. After all, theft of antiquities is never mentioned in the Bible. How were they supposed to know it was wrong?

  • Kakariki
  • Sally Eckhoff

    Well, they sure stirred up a mess o’ potamia with this one.

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