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How the hell do you seat a jury when everyone in America wants to punch your client in the face? Are there 12 sentient adults in New York who wouldn’t shove Martin Shkreli onto the tracks if they heard the train coming? Pharma Bro hiked up the price of a lifesaving drug for babies and HIV patients by 5000%. He harassed a female reporter so viciously that Twitter finally creaked into action and banned him for life. The guy even managed to start a feud with the Wu Tang Clan!

Shkreli is currently on trial for looting his drug company Retrophin to pay off investors in his doomed hedge fund. It took his wealthy buddies years to realize that the guy they’d handed their money to wasn’t A GENIUS ASSHOLE, he was just A ASSHOLE. It took potential jurors about 10 seconds to size him up, according to CNBC.

“In this particular case, the only thing I’d be impartial about is which prison he goes to,” said a man in his 30s, who was among those excused.

Another young man said, “Just looking at him kind of twists my stomach, to be honest.”

A third man said, “I can’t say if he’s like totally guilty.”

“He’s probably guilty,” the man added. “No way can I let him slide out of anything. That’s my attitude toward his whole demeanor.”

“And he disrespected the Wu-Tang Clan, so … ,” the man said, referring to one of the odder chapters of Shkreli’s often-odd story.

During several days of jury selection, Shkreli performed his one-man show Maverick Dickhead for anyone who would listen. Standard operating procedure during a trial is to shut the fuck up. But Shkreli surprised a roomful of reporters by wandering in and letting rip on the prosecutors, opposing witnesses, the possibility that he would testify in his own defense, and even his attorney’s fees. Per CNBC,

“Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli, during a surprise visit with reporters covering his fraud trial Friday, criticized the people prosecuting him as the “junior varsity,” claimed he never considered taking a plea deal and said people “blame me for everything.” […]

“Do I want to exonerate myself?” he asked a small group of journalists when asked if he had desired to have his day in court.

“Yes.”

He only stopped talking and left when his high-powered lawyer Benjamin Brafman peered in the room and asked, “Martin, can I talk to you for a minute?”

Shkreli also bought the domain names of female reporters covering him and sneaked back on to Twitter under the handle @BLMBro. Because har-dee-fucking-har, it’s a libertarian douchebag using Black Lives Matter (BLM) as his sock puppet handle.

Dickweasels gonna dickweasel, right? At least Twitter suspended @BLMBro’s account pretty quickly this time.

Back at the courthouse, prosecutors were freaking out. They found the only 12 people in New York that didn’t want to beat the shit out of Shkreli, and they were NOT going to let that motormouth sumbitch ruin the trial by tainting the jury with his antics. In fact, Shkreli’s lawyer Benjamin Brafman has already requested a mistrial because poor Martin can’t keep his mouth shut.

“I understand Mr. Shkreli, God bless him, has brought this notoriety upon himself,” Brafman told the judge. Nevertheless, Shkreli has the right to have jurors who aren’t biased, he said. “This jury has been unfairly tainted.” To buttress his argument, Brafman read from news accounts as Shkreli smiled, jutted out his jaw and hammed it up. […]

By requesting a mistrial, Brafman is now free to raise the issue of a tainted jury on appeal, should Shkreli be convicted.

Monday evening, prosecutors asked for a gag order to make Shkreli and his lawyer both shut the fuck up already, for the love of God! This put Benjamin Brafman in an odd position. On the one hand, he’s obligated to argue that his client has a First Amendment right to say what he likes. CNN reports:

In Brafman’s response to the gag order request, he described Shkreli as a man who “is under enormous pressure that is compounded by his clearly frail emotional state.” He added that “Mr. Shkreli’s comments were not intended to disrupt the proceedings. Rather they are defensive measures taken by him in response to what he perceives to be a highly prejudicial one-sided coverage of his trial.”

On the other hand, Brafman is clearly trying like hell to get his client to SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. NOW. Asked by a CNBC reporter about Shkreli’s verbal diarrhea, Brafman responded.

I really think Martin is not going to be speaking to you guys again if he listens to me…I don’t think anything Martin says by now is going to affect the case one way or the other, but I would very much appreciate it if he did not talk to the press because sometimes he doesn’t have a filter.

Shkreli, referring to himself in the third person, interjected, “He can do what he wants.”

Or, as @BLMBro put it:

Screenshot from The Daily Beast

Yesterday, Judge Kiyo Matsumoto agreed that Martin Shkreli needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR REALS.

Matsumoto also said she was afraid that jurors in the trial would end up hearing what Shkreli said if he continued talking; she was particularly concerned that he spoke to reporters while walking out of court last week after his rant.

“All your client has to do is stop talking in the courthouse and around the perimeter of the courthouse,” Matsumoto said. “This isn’t going to help Mr. Shkreli in the end.”

“I would like to so order the agreement that he will not make comments in the courthouse about the evidence and the witnesses and this also includes the perimeter roads,” Matsumoto said.

“I think it’s inappropriate and that all the work we’ve done to select 18 men and women to sit on the jury would be jeopardized if he continued to do this.”

But we at Wonkette have given this some thought, and we have A IDEA. We think that Martin Shkreli is just misunderstood by all the lesser muggles. The wisest course would be for Shkreli to make his case directly to the jury.

Tell your story, Martin! Explain to them how that witness is just a greedy bitch who should be grateful you cashed out her investments and put them into your pharma company. They’ll only get it if they hear it from you personally!

Take the stand and wow them with your superior intellectual prowess! Explain to the jury that you had nothing to do with those dummy statements your hedge fund sent out to clients after the money had all vanished. They’ll know a genius like you doesn’t screw around with paperwork. Plus, you’re so much smarter than that Brafman guy! That stupid lawyer is always putting you down, calling you “nuts” and “insecure.” He’s just jealous of your massive brainpower! He’ll tell you not to take the stand, but DON’T LISTEN!

Testify, Martin. No jury could possibly resist your charms! JUST DO IT, BRO!

[Justice Department / CNBCCNBC, again / Bloomberg / CNBC, again /  Daily Beast / CNBC]


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  • Joe Beese

    Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nuthing ta fuck wit.

  • Nounverb911

    Shkreli just wants a jury of his peers, so 12 doonnie trump jrs?

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      Honourable Judge Neal Gorsuch presiding?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        He was shitty to Chelsea after her mom took ill. Maybe Vox will hold a fundraiser.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    I look forward to his prison memoir.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Go figure, CNBC. I guess Jim Kramer has drawn a convenient blank on the fact that Shkreli was his protege back in the day?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Kramer is a human pustule on the ass of humanity.

  • armed_bears

    This week, I am delighted to find at least one clan on the right side of history.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Why is the world so biased against white rich douchebags in fragile emotional states?! Why?!!?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      #doucheturdwitsmatter

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      THey’re so oppressed!

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Is there ever a situation in which you find yourself in trouble, and doing more talking makes it better?

    • Only if you’re about to be hanged, and they ask if you have any last words…

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      All of those oral “book reports” that I made up on the fly in 5th grade don’t count?

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        The one I did on “Lord of the Flies” was truly inspired. How was I to know there were no actual insects involved?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I once saw my cousin talk his (our) way out of a drunk & disorderly charge (I’ll spare y’all the details). I was in awe. He has the Gift of Gab.

      Shkreli on the other hand… yeah, I don’t get it.

      • Thiazin Red

        My father has that its like a super power. I swear if he had any kind of ambition, he would have made an excellent low level con artist.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Okay, so maybe “turn it into a circus, taint the jury pool” and so forth actually is a kind of strategy. Whatever. But the larger question is…

    Are there so few decent, honest people in business, investment, etc., that deals have to be made with people like this? Because seriously, if I had money to invest in any sort of business, I would consider someone with this kind of psychopathic personality to be a liability.

    • There are enough psychopaths in business that it’s probably hard to tell the difference anymore.

      Everyone’s always clamoring for the big sexy score instead of the slow and steady growth that pays off in the long run, and the con men in business know how to exploit that mindset.

      Sigh… fuck, I’m old enough to remember when banking was considered a boring conservative business.

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      With an attitude like that, you may have some difficulty finding businesses in which to invest.

    • marxalot

      Decent people take a look at the room full of sociopathic hyenas and go do something else.

  • Bill D. Burger

    He’s becoming more convincing by the day as he works that insanity defense, huh?

    http://epicpix.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/its-official-600×593.jpg

    • gallbladder

      All that’s missing are the toothbrush moustaches.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      🎶 When a douche has a mug
      That is stupidly smug
      That’s backpfeifengesicht! 🎶

      I’ll keep working on it.

      • Little Lulu Ω

        🎶 Broken arms can come true
        They can happen to you,
        Martin Shrkeli 🎶

    • SweetDeeKat

      Shit, Grandma was right. It does freeze that way.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      I won’t say that him being a universally despised little douche for jacking up the prices didn’t draw the fed’s attention to him, considering how quickly he got slammed, but, yeah. There’s few surer death sentences in this life than fucking with rich people’s money.

    • A Groucho Marxist

      Shkreli is the face of the need to highly fucking regulate the free market.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    This shithead isn’t even creative. Defendants have attempted this bullshit before to no avail. Eventually, the appellate courts say, “you can’t claim your trial wasn’t fair when your deliberate actions during the trial were the basis of the prejudice you now claim.”

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      The “pleading for mercy because you’re a self-made orphan” excuse never really flies in court.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Yeah. This is one of those “I know this guy whose cousin says the way to get out of this is . . .” ideas. Smarter people than this asshole have tried it and wound up in prison.

      • SpideySenser

        The definition of chutzpah!

  • Lizzietish81

    So the argument is that he can’t be tried because he keeps making people want to choke him.

    So very Republican.

    • gallbladder

      He took a semester at the Palin School of Victimhood.

      • Ricky Gay

        Half a semester, as one does.

        • gallbladder

          ZING!!!

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Too big to fail, too too douchey to be tried. I need to study this strategy.

      • Jerilynadaniels

        Managing director of Google says we are paying $97 per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family^hi223d:
        On tuesday I got a great new Nissan Versa from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it…See more
        ~xd223d:
        ➽➽
        ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash523FinderSecret/GetPay$97/Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★:::::~xd223o…….

    • Oneofthebobs

      I guess if you’re a big enough asshole, you don’t have to face the consequences of being an asshole. What a country!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Mavenmaven

    Trump hasn’t made him head of the FDA yet?

    • gallbladder

      Don’t give him any ideas.

  • Belasaurius

    more like kick in the balls that punch in the face

    • The Wanderer

      BOOT TO THE HEAD!

  • Lizzietish81

    Also, I want to point out that Wu Tang were the ones who made the ridiculous offer in the first place, so they’re not innocent here.

  • The Wanderer
  • Bill D. Burger
  • A Groucho Marxist

    You know you need to make some life adjustments when your defense attorney pleads that the jury might be tainted by your actual personality.

  • SpideySenser

    “he was just A ASSHOLE”…You’re much too kind.

    • jesterpunk

      He isnt just A ASSHOLE, when you look up ASSHOLE in the dictionary it has a picture of him.

  • Me not sure

    If you injected enough epi-pens into someone would you be able to conduct a lethal injection execution? Just askin’ for a severely allergic 10 year old. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4e4c7dbd705360f606ee454e60cf5548bc700b301ddbb501e5bd123b501cd304.gif

    • Bemused Australian

      Yeppers. Keep pumping someone full of the stuff and they’ll go into cardiac arrest.

      • Me not sure

        So you’d need to possess a heart?

        • Marion in Savannah

          See? Every great plan has a fatal flaw.

          • Me not sure

            Curses!

      • ahughes798

        I recently got an epi-pen because I suddenly became really allergic to avocados(wails, gnashes teeth). I read the side effects. Now I’m afraid to use the damn thing if I have to.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • jesterpunk
  • Latverian Diplomat

    “You have to declare a mistrail. I’m too unlikable. No jury can put that aside. I can’t get a fair trial. My whole legal strategy is built on this. I’m bulletproof. ”
    — Martin Shkreli

    “Won’t work, dude.”
    — Charles Manson

    • gallbladder

      Why didn’t Goering think of this?

      • marxalot

        Too busy with the DTs.

    • The Wanderer

      “Charlie’s right, man.”
      — Lance Sheffield.

  • Joe Beese

    Some good news: It looks like Cruzcare is as popular as its author.

    GOP aides say the proposal that Cruz and his allies are framing as the potential key to passing the stalled healthcare bill is a nonstarter with most Republicans in the upper chamber.

    The proposal would allow insurance companies the freedom to sell any kinds of health plans they want as long as they also sell at least one plan that qualifies under the regulatory requirements of the Affordable Care Act (ACA).

    “I would say that if we voted on the Cruz proposal, it would be in the neighborhood of 37 to 15 against, 37 no votes and 15 yeses, and that’s probably generous,” said a GOP aide familiar with the Senate negotiations.

    http://thehill.com/policy/healthcare/340765-gop-tensions-rise-over-cruz-proposal

    • The Wanderer

      Cruz is more popular than prions, as I recall – but it’s only within the margin of error.

      • Opiwan

        What about nematodes?

  • Proud Liberal
  • SayItWithWookies

    Shkreli could be the first person ever given a life sentence for contempt of court if he keeps this up – and I hope he does.

    • jesterpunk

      cut to Death Row

      Prison Staff : “What are you in for?”

      Con 1 :”Murder”

      Con 2 “Armed robbery”

      Shkreli “Being an asshole who wouldnt shut the fuck up in court”

      • Bad Tom

        Prison Staff, Con 1, Con 2, (Simultaneously): “You first, Shkreli”

  • Thiazin Red

    Well on the bright side, I’m pretty sure that once the trial starts he will continue to act like a total asshole, and the jury will have no problem.

  • Bub, the truculent Zombie

    There is nothing I can say about Martin Shkreli that would not grossly violate The Rules. But, oh Lord, am I tempted…

  • schmannity

    With votes you say? Put me down for YES, boot to the balls.

  • Bill D. Burger

    OT..But Cheetolini is getting a very ‘warm’ reception in Hamburg. (Not quite like his Polish bussed-in crowd).

    Huge sign reads “Welcome To Hell Trump”
    Protest crowds are large and growing quickly.

    • The Wanderer

      Will the hookers from the Reeperbahn show up?

    • Bemused Australian

      So unfair. They’re just sad that Trump will use his plans to stop the trade deficit, and then they’ll have to drive Chevys once his mighty tariffs destroy the German auto industry. America First!

      • Everrett Fanuelli

        Oh those Chevys. The ads tell me I’ll have wifi and my truck will look mean while I’m parked on the shoulder because my engine fell out.

        • Bemused Australian

          Now the Aussie auto-industry is gone, we’ll all be driving that crap soon. The Mustang that’s replacing the good ‘ol Aussie Falcon got the second worst safety rating ever handed out here. The worst rating went to a ‘Great Wall’ ute that would spontaneously catch fire.

          • CafeenMan

            You didn’t even have to rear-end it to start the fire?

          • Komsumverweigerer Ron

            WTF? Damn, the Falcon’s been in continuous production since 1959, which has to be some sort of record. How exactly is the Mustang supposed to replace it? Unless it’s a different Mustang than the one we get?

          • ahughes798

            My dad had a ’63 and a ’65 Falcon. They were good cars.

          • ahughes798

            That’s a shame…you guys made some cool cars!

      • CafeenMan

        I was driving on the Autobahn and a German-made Ford Escort blew by me going something like 150 mph or more. I was driving 125 because my car had a limiter that moved the throttle to idle when I hit 130. That Escort didn’t just slowly pass me.

        Point is that “American” cars made in Germany for Europe are A LOT faster than the American versions.

        • ahughes798

          No Shit! I would buy a German made Ford Escort. The ‘Murican made one I had was a piece of crap.

          • CafeenMan

            I think it’s safe to assume the German one would be better built but I don’t know that for a fact.

          • ahughes798

            The one I had I bought brand spankin’ new in 1985. In it’s first year, it went through 2 set of lifters and a camshaft. It took the dealer a year to figure out that the oil pump was not working properly. After that it was okay, except that every 75K miles you had to change the timing belt and the water pump. This was before lemon laws. I can’t believe that the Germans could or would build a more terrible car.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Excellent. The Germans experienced this once before. Never again.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Brafman sounds like a man who followed The 3 Rules of Criminal Defense:

    1. Get the money up front.
    2. Remember: you don’t do the time.
    3. Get the money up front.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Being an asshole got Trump elected (on a technicality). It is definitely a winning strategy these days.

  • calliecallie

    Shkreli can go to helly.

  • schmannity

    “Evil, a snake, a dick.” Not the kind of panel you’re looking for in voir dire.

    http://nypost.com/2017/06/26/prospective-jurors-keep-calling-pharma-bro-bad-names/

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Yes, let’s annoy the judge who imposes the sentence when you’re convicted. This is a winning strategy.

    • CafeenMan

      I come across those videos on YouTube sometimes where the defendant is finished and walking away then decides to mutter something under her breath like, “asshole”. The the judge calls her back, gives her more jail time and she does it again.

      It actually kind of pisses me off that a judge can just put someone away for a significant length of time because someone called him a name while hiding behind “contempt” charges.

    • Covfefe

      One of the factors judges consider at sentencing is what they call “insight.”

  • Crank Tango

    So he has the right to unbiased jurors, but also the right to “bias” them himself?
    Nice work if you can get it.

  • CafeenMan

    Wasn’t he read his Miranda Rights? He CHOSE to make an ass of himself in front of the jury. He can now sleep in the bed he made.

    • Being a moran in front of the jury while not in court session and being a moran to cops are different things

      • CafeenMan

        I get that. The point is that he’s an adult and responsible for his behavior. He knows he doesn’t have to say anything. He’s probably a coke-head. He acts like it.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          If he wasn’t a coke head, I’d be surprised.

        • Christopher Smith

          Meth, more like it. Perhaps both

          • ahughes798

            Rich people prefer coke.

          • Christopher Smith

            Not across the board, by any means.

          • ahughes798

            Really? Meth is such a hillbilly drug. And way more immediately harmful.

          • Christopher Smith

            Actually, no, coke has ruined and does ruin people in extremely short amounts of time. Much depends on amounts consumed, which with rich addicts are usually appallingly huge….Meth has only gotten its reputation as ‘hillbilly’ or declasse recently–it was very big at universities for a long time.

          • ahughes798

            Wow, I did not know that! Thank you. I know that back in the day some of my friends, circa 1977,(not me, I hate speedy things)did this powder called Crank or Crystal. Wonder if it was the same as Crystal Meth?

          • Christopher Smith

            I think it is, or at least closely related. I’m not a chemist but I believe they are all in the same immediate family–

    • SnarkON

      It’s no doubt a deliberate strategy in order to be ruled mentally incompetent to stand trial.

    • Doug Langley

      Yeah, something about “anything you say can and will be held against you”?

    • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

      I’ll bring the snakes and scorpions. Oh, never mind. All the snakes and scorpions I spoke to were like, “no way are we going near that asshole.”

  • Joe Beese
    • CafeenMan

      She has probably been socking money away off-shore where neither Trump nor the IRS can get to it. She’s hoping he asks for a divorce or that he dies so she can live a long, Trump-free life of luxury.

      • Joe Beese

        On the one hand, he’s rich and evil – which promotes long life. On the other hand, he’s obese and eats garbage – which does not. (We can disregard the well-documented stresses of the presidency, which probably only affect office holders who give a shit about the job.)

        Balancing the two, I’d say she only has to ride this out for 10 more years.

      • SnarkON

        …making her the luckiest prostitute to have ever been born.

        • CafeenMan

          She had to have sex with Trump. There were millions of dollars staring her in the face and it was still the most difficult decision she ever made.

    • Bill D. Burger

      President Duda: “That looks like a hand…..only smaller.”

    • SnarkON

      Starting with that dress.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Wait, that fuscia/pink graphic is part of the DRESS? I really thought it was one of those frames you can overlay on your Facebook profile picture.

        • Marion in Savannah

          At first I thought she was standing in front of a really unfortunate piece of sculpture or something in papier mache.

          • Ghenghis McCann

            You mean it isn’t the network logo for whichever channel was broadcasting this news clip.

          • ahughes798

            She really does have shit taste in clothes, sometimes.

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        That’s a dress? I thought she’d just come from the beach and had wrapped a towel around her waist.

      • H0mer0

        I thought that was a logo at the corner of a picture

  • fawkedifiknow

    Forget the trial. Just put him in a locked room with a dozen or so defrauded investors for half an hour. I suspect justice would be served, good and hard.

    • The loved ones of people who depend on Daraprim for their treatment might want to help out.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Upcoming gamuts:

    Send vaguely suicidal message; show up to court two hours late.
    Make googly eyes (or even try to contact) Juror #7 until she gets uncomfortable enough to complain to judge.
    Interrupt testimony until judge threatens to remove him from the courtroom.
    Hold press conference and rant incoherently about unfairness of system/judge.
    Demand to fire his attorney and represent himself.

    • marxalot

      The sheep are lying!

      • CafeenMan

        Sheep always lie. Only a fool believes a sheep.

        • The Wanderer

          That was one of the morals people take away from Zootopia.

    • oblivias

      Didn’t work for Manson.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Best alternative option: Shkreli gets found mentally incompetent.

    • SnarkON

      Methinks that’s exactly what he is shooting for.

  • Thorn Spike

    The only question is who will play him in the biopic. I think Pee Wee Herman could pull it off.

  • I’ve read this story before:

    “A Portrait of Donald Trump as a Young Man”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    This guy tests the limits of due process to the extreme.

  • Marion in Savannah

    Now I’m torn — whose face is more punchable, Cruz or Shkreli? ‘Tis a conundrum.

  • TJ Barke

    I’d piss on him if he was on fire. Because a single stream of piss isn’t enough to put out a fire.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      You could stop to take a selfie, also.

    • goingohm

      I’d help, but you’d have to share your secret for keeping the gasoline down.

  • SnarkON

    OK, but why didn’t those reporters already own their domain names?

    • CafeenMan

      How many people own their own domain names? I used to and let it lapse and now someone else has it. I don’t really care because I didn’t have a use for it anyway.

      • SnarkON

        These are reporters, though. People in the media tend to be media-savvy enough to have their own websites.

  • marxalot

    I’d have a little sympathy for the lawyer, who must be drinking his entire fee (though half of what he’s drinking is pepto), but he took the little shit on, so he deserves what he gets.

    • CafeenMan

      He’s probably a suck-ass lawyer who couldn’t get hired by anyone who wanted competent, ethical counsel.

      • SnarkON

        Actually he’s a very well-known NY lawyer who specializes in problem clients.

        • CafeenMan

          Is he any good?

          Edit: I forgot who we were talking about. I was thinking about Trump’s lawyer.

          • SnarkON

            Yes.

        • Marion in Savannah

          Well, boy howdy, he’s got one in spades now!

          • SnarkON

            Brafman has represented Sammy the Bull Gravano, so Shkreli is pretty small potatoes.

        • Jeffery Campbell

          “…problem clients.” You win today’s Euphemism Award.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Brafman, among other high-profile total dick clients, defended Dinesh D’Souza, Sammy “the bull” Gravano, and Jared Kushner’s dad. Shkreli probably doesn’t fase him a bit.

      • Sooo, his success rate isn’t all ghat great. 2/3 of those did time

        • Carpe Vagenda

          He got Michael Jackson off.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          I think “how” they did their time was the battle; the “if” was a foregone conclusion.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          Sometimes the goal is to get them less time than, say, a young black male with a broken tail light caught with .1 gram of weed in his car.

          • ahughes798

            Unfortunately, black/broken tail light/tiny amount of weed = instant death penalty.

      • SnarkON

        “faze,” fyi. But yeah.

      • Janae Bess

        Let’s hope he has the same success as with the other mentioned clients.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        So, did any of his clients get off?

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Sean Combs, a low-level mob guy and some white kids who killed people. Jackson fired him (did you know in the midst of all this Trump had him hanging out with Don Jr?) and Dominique Strauss-Kahn got the charges dropped.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    In the Age of Trump, I’m that Little Martin may have found himself a viable defense strategy. Admit nothing, apologize for nothing, attack, distract, deflect.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Duct tape.

    • CafeenMan

      Rivets.

      • Bemused Australian

        Gimp suit and ball gag. Let his lawyer put an actual leash on him.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          He might like it.

          • John Robinson

            So? That would be unfortunate, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

        • The Wanderer

          Gimp suit, ball gag and straitjacket.

          • PeedeResistance

            Gimp suit, straitjacket, leash, ballgag, and leather muzzle.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Don’t forget the butt plug. It doesn’t do anything to shut him up, but it does complete the ensemble.

          • Ill-Advised

            Ivanka can design it, and Chinese labor can build it. Rhinestones optional.

  • Jenny

    Pretty sure mistrial is their main goal here. Move his ass out of NY, and throw his ass in jail for violating gag orders. Can’t tweet without internet, bro.

  • ariel_gee_398

    This asshole is gonna get off and join Bill Cosby on his tour, isn’t he?

  • Pat_Pending

    So… We’ll be saying President Shkreli in, I dunno, 2028?

    • SnarkON

      Shkreli/Spencer 2028!

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      By that time only white males over 50 who own property will be allowed to vote, and there will only be one name on the ballot, so yes.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      So, 2024-2028 a competent Dem to clean up Trump’s mess before we get stupid again?

  • If the jury is “tainted” by Shkreli’s “antics” then it would seem that simply by *existing* Martin Shkreli is guilty of jury tampering.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Marin Shkreli is guilty of existing.

      • Boscoe

        The trick is making him pay for it.

    • osceola

      I think the strategy is to piss off the jury then claim it was a biased jury because you acted like a dick rag to them.

  • Flashman

    Show some respect. We’re talking about Trump’s future Director of Health and Human Services here.

    • Boscoe

      Probably. :(

  • msgypsy

    Would justice be served by having him declared incompetent to stand trial? Then all of his assets could be put in the capable hands of a court appointed custodian and he himself could be locked up indefinitely in a well guarded mental health facility. (I’m WAY over simplifying, I know.)

    • Ghenghis McCann

      A well guarded mental health facility, which will have been defunded in Trump’s latest budget. He might end up being guarded by some of those militias from Multnomah County, Oregon.

      • msgypsy

        You have a good point.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    That is a face made for slapping. Repeatedly.

    • covfefesumgame0005

      with a NON-Nerf bat! of votes of course…grumble, mumble

  • canes_pugnaces

    This human toilet brush attended my daughter’s high school. The kids call an egregious act ‘a Shkerli’.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Why isn’t his lawyer trying to plead insanity?

    • canes_pugnaces

      Very difficult to prove. If it were easy Trump would be committed by now.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      You would have to be insane to defend Shkreli. .

    • IdiokraticDrumpfenResistance

      Because it would be difficult to obtain clients in the future? Oh, wait…

    • Boscoe

      Affluenza?

  • icekat

    Just out of pure academic curiosity, does this guy ever do anything that isn’t completely dickish? I mean, when he brushes his teeth, does he somehow make it a dick move?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Interesting that you should ask that, because the answer is no. He failed to graduate from a very prestigious public high school in NY, and once he got rich he donated a great deal of money to them. Then he started telling people in interviews after he got caught that he’d graduated.

      Can you imagine being the principal of a public high school and having to give a seven figure check back?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Nope, he brushes his teeth with his dick (which I hear is removable).

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenResistance
    • covfefesumgame0005

      separated at hatching?

  • What the fuck is wrong with this cockgoblin? It’s like he listened to Denis Leary’s “Asshole” and based his entire life off of the last line.

    • The Librarian

      I love that song. Cracks me up every time.

  • clubseal
    • CafeenMan

      What did algae ever do to you?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      GREEN SLIME LIBELZ

    • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

      Pond scum libelzzzzzzz!

    • Raan

      That’s inaccurate. Pond scum is good for something.

    • BearLeft

      pondscum libelz

      • Zyxomma

        You beat me to it.

    • Hardly Ideal

      At least green gunk produces oxygen, rather than sucking it up.

  • Doug Langley

    I’m just fascinated by anyone who really thinks going to trial works just like an Ayn Rand novel.

    • amrak63

      I hadn’t thought of that, but yeah–it’s much like Howard Roark’s strategy in The Fountainhead.

      Recovered former Randroid here. I got into Rand’s books for a few years when I was young and stupid–late 1970s, mainly–I had wised up by the time I graduated from college in 1985. I woke up and realized I did not belong to the social classes which actually benefited from Libertoonism.

      • notanncoulter

        “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”

        [Kung Fu Monkey — Ephemera, blog post, March 19, 2009]”

        • chortlingdingo

          Hah! Mine was LOTR :)

        • SisterArtemis

          I love that, and have shared memes of it on fb in the past. I never knew where it came from – thanks!

        • amrak63

          I read both books, but I only kept LOTR.

      • Doug Langley

        And also like Hank Rearden’s trial in Atlas Shrugged. He stands up, says “I will not defend myself”, and then defends himself.

    • chortlingdingo

      I’ve never read any Ayn Rand, so I’m a little curious how trial does work in her novels.

      • Querolous

        In high school I was in a play by Ayn Rand called Night of January 16th. I was typecast as a dumb Swede. Members of the audience were selected to be the jury.

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    His attorney looks as though he would enjoy nothing more than setting fire to his client.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Is the lawyer really mad, or a good actor? Because mistrial after mistrial would help, right?

    • Daniel Hooper

      It’s debatable; yes, it’ll keep his client out of jail(assuming he made bail), and the fees he’ll be able to charge should be significant. That being said, this is bound to sink the lawyer’s reputation representing this turd, and other’s may be hesitant to use such an infamous lawyer, especially if he loses.

    • Karen Marie

      I don’t see how he gets a mistrial on the basis of a tainted jury when he’s the one doing the tainting.

  • ez

    He’s got the face that could launch a thousand slaps.

    • ahughes798

      Bacfeifengesicht!

  • Notreelyhelping

    Really, this is just Jim Carrey doing a Tony Clifton. Let it go, Jim!

  • The Librarian

    I find it hard to believe that the court can’t find 12 smug assholes to be the “jury of his peers”.

    • Swampgas_Man

      I find it unbelievable that anybody would want to be called Shrkelli’s peer.

    • ahughes798

      Especially in NYC. That’s the native’s standard operating procedure. Love, Flyover Country.

      • Charles Wolf

        NYC ain’t like Knuckledrag Texas where the Jurors & Prosecutors & Judges are all on a first name basis.

        • ahughes798

          I know. They don’t know each other, which is good! They’re still smug as hell, though.

    • keenanjay

      That would just result in jury “nullification.”

  • eastcoastlib

    See here’s the thing about our justice system. Rich assholes never get convicted. He’s probably well aware of this and so he’s treating this charade with all the respect it deserves.

  • NotALiar

    Or just put his ass in jail until the trial?

    • Charles Wolf

      Contempt of court should work.

  • Ducksworthy

    America appears to be infested with self proclaimed geniuses with no impulse control.

  • notanncoulter

    must… not… break… commenting… rules… AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

  • Wookie Monster

    Skrelli has somehow managed to edge out Tucker Carlson as the most punchable face in the world.

    • thixotropic jerk

      Ted Cancruzada will not be so disrespected no sir! Now please to punch his face right now, eh?

  • Wookie Monster

    It’s hard to imagine how anyone can look at his face and say, “Yes, I trust this douchebag with my money.”

  • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

    Can’t they just revoke his bail?

  • SisterArtemis

    I think we may have found the one person who would make a worse president than 45.

  • BearLeft

    Anyone remember Bobby Seale? Co-founder of the Black Panthers? One of what was originally called the Chicago Eight, on trial for provoking the riots at the 1968 Democratic Convention, he was ordered bound and gagged by Judge Hoffman, and eventually severed from that trial because of his political outbursts (yielding what we call now the Chicago Seven).

    This guy isn’t worth a used asswipe. I can’t imagine any appellate court finding he was denied due process as a result of his intentional displays of idiocy. Not worth another wor

    • keenanjay

      Nice.

  • Poly_Ester

    I was thinking The president brings out the Trump in all of us, but lil’ martin’s psychosis is even worse that donnie’s.

    • jeff fearnow

      Give this douchenozzle no ideas! He’ll run for president too

  • MCLepus

    This is called assuring he will not be tried, since he’s deliberately pissing off potential jurors. he’s not Teflon™, he’s PAM™

  • norcalOG

    Warning: Sexist comment (kind of) to follow: over the years, I’ve known quite a few women who, when angered by male ne’er-do-well, could be counted on for an “I’d like to slap his face” growl.
    Now who fits that category better than Lil Marty? I’m guessing there are about 3-4 million women just in NYC who would like to step forward to do the honors, which means any potential pool with just about any women will be severely tainted.
    Of course, I’d like to slap the little prick too as would millions more senior citizens thus reducing a jury pool anywhere to droolers and nonfunctional mutes.

    • she persisted

      I’d pay for the privilege.

    • handyhippie65

      the only people who don’t hate him are mebbe the amish. only cuz they don’t have TVs.

    • Resistance Fighter Puipui

      Personally, I don’t want to slap him, because I don’t want to touch him, and also I don’t want to hear him whine through that obnoxious pointy douchebro nose of his about how I broke his face and now it hurts forever whine whine whine.

      I just want to see him go to jail. Is that so wrong?

  • whitroth

    Someone should register a domain called dickweasel.us, or maybe weasel.us, and have the pointer automatically point to dick.weasel.us, and have his pic on the page…

    • javadavis

      What? Not dickweasel.AF?

  • JoeChristmas

    1. This is the Swindler in Chief in the 80’s when he should have been locked up.
    2. If you are looking for crime and rapacity in Big Pharma, this scum is a drop in the ocean.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    wow, a chance to see a defendant “testify in the narrative”.

    We only heard about this in school!

  • Iam Reading

    Motherfucker needs a dirt nap, with votes.

    I hope RZA”s people keep their promise.

  • Hardly Ideal

    I’ve said it before, but I’m still amazed at how young the guy is. Like a few months older than me, I think. I dunno, it just seems rather early to become so heartless.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      I’m actually beginning to think he’s just mentally ill. His behavior is so weird.

  • roberteye

    Trump mini me.

  • Zyxomma

    Thanks, $5F. Second opportunity I’ve had today to smile.

  • Michael Loraine

    Shkreli: our next POTUS.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Just needs to work on the TU portion

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I am growing significantly tired of a significant portion of the human race.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Can’t they strap him in a chair and put one of those Hannibal masks on him like they do for defendants who keep spitting on and biting the bailiffs???

  • I’m sort of amazed that this guy has avoided prison up to this point in life. You’d think someone with such poor impulse control would find their way there earlier.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Money influences everything.

    • SqueakyRat

      I don’t think Donnie Two-Scoops has done any time yet.

  • Um…

    (insert violation of Commenting Rules For Radicals here)

    Sorry Wonkette but that’s the only kind of commentary I can give on Shkreli.

  • Delu

    If only being an Asshole was a crime in America.

    Well one can dream I guess.

    • handyhippie65

      uhhh, that’s a lot of prisoners.

  • Shawn Renee Ernoehazy

    I am conflicted over whether it is somehow better he is rich, so has a different weapon to inflict suffering on others. I cannot legally or ethically diagnose an individual I have not met, but he meets the criteria for this and other diagnoses from my observations: https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/how-spot-sociopath

  • Heyzeus Ahchay

    He needs to scrounge up enough money to pay the fine or bribe the judge, cuz with his mouth, this puke will last about 4 weeks in prison. Hope he goes to prison.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    ♫ IT’S punish Martin Shkreli time, punish Martin Shkreli time!
    Punish Martin Shkreli, punish Martin Shkreli, punish Martin Shkreli with a… votes. ♫

  • handyhippie65

    who has a punchy face? he has a punchy face! with his attitude, prison will be very interesting for him. they really don’t like people with attitudes, unless you can bench press a buick. he looks kinda scrawny to me. he better get a trainer toot sweet.

  • abstract668

    What does it say about corporate capitalism that this 35 year old frat boy got enough power in a “health care” company that he could set prices? he ought to be a cook in one of those places on “Bar Rescue”. You know the ones, where the drunken cook deep fries rats to sell to their drunk customers.

  • Oh if only the “gag order” were more literal….

  • Jerilynadaniels

    Managing director of Google says we are paying $97 per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family^hi224d:
    On tuesday I got a great new Lamborghini Aventador from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it ..Then don’t miss this
    ~xd224d:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash524MarketSecret/GetPay$97/Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★:::::~xd224o…

  • King Beauregard

    He is indeed an ugly dummy, who cannot eat ham.

  • Rickyphoo

    Is it just me or is there anyone else here who would love to see the judge ban-hammer this asshole’s nutsack with her gavel?

  • Lily412

    Somebody praised this dude waaaay too much as a kid.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “It took his wealthy buddies years to realize that the guy they’d handed
    their money to wasn’t A GENIUS ASSHOLE, he was just A ASSHOLE.”

    The wise move here would be for his wealthy buddies to be the jury.

  • zagnutz2

    And idiots like this drive around in nicer cars than me. Will karma get them?

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    I think the phrama industry has been price gouging for years and is using Shkreli as a scapegoat to distract the public. Shkreli got greedy and or stupid and went so over the top the industry couldnt ignore it. So they threw him under the bus because hes such a unlikable douchebag it was easy. I mean hes like a caricature of a rich asshole. After he goes down, the industry can say “He was just a bad actor” and go back to their greedy ways.

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