While normal people were enjoying the 4th of July, and while Nikki Haley was Having A Upset because she had to do foreign policy work on the holiday, CNN got involved in a kerfuffle with literally the biggest losers in the entire country. We hate to give this attention, because the story starts with a thing Donald Trump tweeted, which is so boring at this point. On Sunday, America rolled its eyes upon learning OrangeFace McSad had tweeted a doctored video of himself body-slamming CNN. When America’s brother texted it to America, America responded, “I don’t care, fuck him. I have to go to the grocery store now, because I’m making this really badass potato salad for the 4th and you should be jealous.”
But alas, that was not the end of the story. It seems the video Trump tweeted was partially made by a person on Reddit who goes by HanAssholeSolo, and groups like the Anti-Defamation League dug deep into the poster’s private life, by clicking on his username and looking at what else he posts on Reddit. Surprise, he’s a loser racist anti-Semite who loves Donald Trump. We never would have guessed. Shockingly, the ADL and others (like CNN) weren’t cool with this Reddit person who, on top of his other bigotries and racisms, posts pictures of CNN journalists with the Star of David next to them, because HEY YOU GET IT? JEWS.
So CNN figured out who the guy was and tried to get in touch on Monday. The dude posted a LONG apology on Reddit on Tuesday (which has now been deleted), explaining that he’s not actually a person who hates Jews, he’s just a loser who plays that kind of person on Reddit. He even specifically said he doesn’t think CNN journalists should get beaten up, and encouraged other internet losers to think about their actions.
The dude ended up calling CNN after his apology and essentially said, “Yes you figured out who I am and I’m sorry. Can you please not tell everybody my name?” CNN responded:
CNN is not publishing “HanA**holeSolo’s” name because he is a private citizen who has issued an extensive statement of apology, showed his remorse by saying he has taken down all his offending posts, and because he said he is not going to repeat this ugly behavior on social media again. In addition, he said his statement could serve as an example to others not to do the same.
CNN reserves the right to publish his identity should any of that change.
Story over, right? Everybody went and watched fireworks and put grilled sausages in their throats and a good time was had by all? Pfffffft, of course not, because did you not see right there where CNN literally threatened to murder that guy and his entire family? He’s only 15, after all, according to the allegedly human life-form that was created the first time one of Donald Trump’s slow swimmers managed to, against all odds, fertilize an egg:
Wow, that would be really dickish if CNN was doing the Holocaust to an anti-Semitic Reddit loser by NOT doxxing him, especially if he’s 15! SPOILER, Donald Trump Jr. is just fucking lying, like his daddy does. Here’s CNN’s statement:
Ah, an adult male! In fact, according to CNN’s Andrew Kaczynski, dude is “middle aged,” and according to dude himself on Reddit, he is 37. It appears Baby Trump got his #FakeNews from “alt-right” Pizzagate dork Jack Posobiec, who swears up and down that not only is the poster 15 years old, but he is also an LGBT for Trump. Who you gonna believe, huh? CNN or a dude who believes Hillary Clinton does Pizzagate to kids in a basement that doesn’t exist?
Now, there’s a Twitter hashtag about #CNNBlackmail, because don’t you see how CNN is BLACKMAILING this
teenage gay Trump loser adult male loser, by saying if dude starts posting anti-Semitic hate-inciting shit about them again, the network “reserves the right” to publish his name? Unfair! As Kaczynski again clarifies, the point of that line wasn’t a threat, but just to say CNN “made no agreement [with] the man about his identity.”
As you can imagine, every whiny ass titty baby snowflake wingnut on Twitter with a blue checkmark is bellyaching about how they are victims now. Dana Loesch, that brilliant jackass, actually tweeted, “First they came for the memes,” which is hilarious (in the not funny way) because it’s a play on the Holocaust prayer and this anonymous Reddit dude has a history of promoting anti-Semitism. HA HA!
Mike Cernovich, the most famous cuck on all of Twitter (he and his people like to be called “cucks,” right? are we using that word correctly?), is whining about CNN going after private citizens, and the Daily Caller is having an OH MY STARS-gasm in its safe space. Nazi losers at the Daily Stormer are threatening to dox CNN employees’ families, in retaliation for the network not actually doxxing the Reddit troll. Even noted asshole Senator Ted Cruz is bitching about how CNN did “extortion.”
For the full loser fucking crybaby confluence, we return to loser fucking crybaby Donald Trump Jr.:
Junior is tweeting links to Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man On The Internet, who is quoting anti-American Russian intelligence asset Julian Assange, who was hiding in the Ecuadorian embassy from a rape investigation until Sweden dropped it for some reason. (He’s still hiding there.)
Goddammit, the internet is stupid sometimes. Everybody in this story needs to fucking throw their computers out the window and go outside and play and breathe in the fresh air, like normal people do. Go for a walk. Make a friend. GET A LIFE. Or you can make badass potato salad. We are still perfecting our version, so the magic we are adding is TOP SECRET CLASSIFIED still, but it is Holy Trinity potato salad and the recipe we are using as a departure point is RIGHT HERE.
Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click the buttons below to fund us!