SHARE
State Fairs of Yesteryear

Happy Independence Day, Wonkers! Rather than simply putting John Ashcroft’s “Let the Eagle Soar” on endless repeat — our traditional form of 4th of July torture — herewith a collection of some classic foods and libations, because damned if we’re working today. Be careful with fireworks, keep your pets inside (like really, that is not a euphemism or anything), and watch out for flaming presidential Tweets.

What Is Wonkette Ramming Down Your Throat This Fourth Of July?

(by Mojopo, originally published August 18, 2014)

Corn dogs. It has come to this, and the devil is dancing tonight!

Corn dogs are the terribleness I was up on Faceborg, drunk, and Trix found me out. I have been dispatched to bring this special summertime delight to Yr Wonket, because this is an urgent, necessary evil. If we are to bear the miseries of this world, we need to be able to tell our poor hearts to live a little now and then.

Almost everyone is one corn dog away from humiliation. It is the food of choice for the hopeless hopefuls. You probably should not have done that, but it’s too late now. TOO LATE.

Can’t visit a county fair? No problem! We are taking the low road to perdition from the comfort of our homes. Corn dogs, because all that grease makes everything a little easier to swallow. Here is how you do it:

1 1/4 c. flour
1 tsp. salt
3/4 c. cornmeal
5 tsp. sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
2 eggs, beaten
3/4 c. milk
1 pkg. hot dogs*
8 wooden skewers
Oil, for deep-frying (I used a mix of corn and coconut oil)

* There are eight hot dogs per package — one for each of your fingers, so you can hang on by your thumbs.

This whole deal should take no more than a half hour.

Mix the dry ingredients, beat in the eggs, and then add milk. Mix well and pour the batter into a tall glass. Wipe off the wieners, because this helps the batter to stick. Execute the immersion process for each, place in hot oil, frying three or four at a time. Cook until golden brown. Serve on skewers and eat as many of these as you possibly can with mustard, spray cheese, or mustard and spray cheese. This is your exit. There is no other way out.

Doesn’t this look delicious? Boy, oh boy. Take THAT you bunch of organic-only, GMO-haters. I just batter-dipped your worst nightmare and ate it off a stick. Whoopee, science is FUN!

Eat with caution away from any recording devices. I ain’t fooling around here — this isn’t some kind of Bloody Mary in the bathroom mirror nonsense. No good ever comes from eating one of these where you can be seen. Still, absolutely no one can stop you from shot-gunning the spray cheese straight from the can.

Now Drink This! Your Classic Sidecar Cocktail Recipe

(By Fitzgerald Chesterfield; originally published December 12, 2014)

The sidecar is a beverage steeped in controversy. The creation lore is murky. The ratios are not widely agreed upon. Bartenders cannot decide whether to serve it with ice or strained. The only part which is accepted by nearly all is the ingredients — brandy, orange liqueur, and lemon juice.

The drink was invented in Paris during World War I. A military officer really enjoyed them, and he rode to the bar in a motorcycle sidecar, which lends its name to the cocktail. The nationality of the officer is unclear. Some say he was French; others claim American. More still say it was a British officer. None of that really matters, though, because it is a delicious and boozy drink.

Right about now you’re thinking, “If it was invented in Paris, using French spirits, why does it have an English name?” That’s an excellent question. The answer is because the British, Americans, Canadians, and Downundertonians arranged so that it wouldn’t have to have a German name.* (Also, too, the French word for sidecar is “side-car.”)

Sidecar

1 1/2 oz. cognac
1 oz. Cointreau
Juice of one lemon

Shake all the ingredients together with ice.

Pour into a rocks glass over ice.

Garnish with lemon wedge or lemon twist.

Vive la France.

*If you don’t like that joke, go tell it to your grandfather; he’ll love it. Or just go fuck yourself.

There you go! Food (at least nominally) and booze! Also, a true “blast from the past,” by Juli Weiner!

Todd Palin’s ‘Baked Alaska’ Pot Brownies And Beer

(by Juli Weiner, originally published November 25, 2009)

In a few Thanksgivings, everyone will be eating First Gentleman Todd Palin’s killer “Baked Alaska” pot brownies for dessert. This is the plot of the movie 2012 [Prediction has not yet come true. Thanks for small mercies — ed.]

You’ll need:

  • Some friends
  • Brownie mix
  • Planet Earth: Jungles
  • Whatever else

What you do:

Someone buy brownie mix. Tell whatever friend who lives closest to the 7-11 to pick up some brownie mix, they probably sell it there. If not, don’t be a little bitch about it just drive two blocks to the supermarket. Jesus Christ. Anyway, so you have the brownie mix right? And then you should have already gotten pot. Call your other friend, the one know knows how to make pot brownies. Tell him to come over, bring his copy of Planet Earth: Jungles and also uhh, season one of that show that everyone likes.

You’re playing host, so it’s not like you even have to do this, but move a few six packs from the basement to the garage or on the deck so they’re cold by the time the brownies are finished.

God they are taking for fucking ever.

Some time passes, you’ll need to think of an activity but do not watch the DVD because that is for later. And finally, yes, done. Enjoy the brownies. They do not taste like pot at all, whoever did this did a really awesome job. Definitely plan on finding out the recipe at some point.

Just leave the plates on the table, don’t worry, Sarah will get them later.

Afterwards, FIGHT!

To be fair, this has nothing with New Mexico. But it's still a great picture.
It’s the Wasillabilly Bayeux Tapestry. illustration fromThe Mudflats.

Oh, yes, and how could we forget?

OK, it’s your OPEN THREAD. We’ll be back tomorrow, assuming World War Trump doesn’t break out.

You love Yr Wonkette, and you want us to thrive, yes? Click that there “Donate” clicky and you’ll never have to hear John Ashcroft sing again. Or maybe you will!

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • GreenGoldSharpie

    My goal today is to setup the fryer and deep fry everything. In my madness I’ll batter up and deep fry a pre-packaged corn dog.

    I AM UNSTOPPABLE!

  • Bill D. Burger
  • William

    Meanwhile over at my favorite Facebook page. No more trolling Trumpanzees. They come to that page all by themselves and voluntarily get trolled. What a country! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5cd15e14830885a2cc05a9851e6afe1211cb00f80f5dac990e1ecb0b55868cbd.jpg

  • DrBigHead

    There will soon be several racks of pork back ribs on the smoker. Between me and my next door neighbor, the smell of bbq’ing pork will permeate the entire neighborhood.

    Low and slow……

    • Suttree

      That is the tempo.

    • armed_bears
      • Suttree

        I miss my ex-friend’s dachshund.

        That is exactly what she looked like. Who stole your legs!?

        • Paul

          What do you name a heavy dachshund with a metal prosthesis for a dick?

          Sparky.

          I’m leaving. Don’t get up.

    • mancityRed6

      I would be angry and missing the grill back at the house, but it’s raining and looking to for a while at least.
      still, a full metric shit tonne of side eye your way.

      • DrBigHead

        I’m sorry

  • Scooby

    I’m eating a steak well done sauce on the side and 2 scoops of ice cream.

    • armed_bears

      Say hi the the prisoner wife.

    • Roni Raven, Undercovfefe Agent

      No ketchup?

      • Scooby

        How crass!

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Never liked corn dogs but space brownies and liquor sounds alright to me!

  • freakishlypersistent

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with corndog. With hot n’ spicy mustard. That being said I’ve some beautiful heirloom grape tomatoes, with baby bellas and spaghetti alio/olio/pepperoncini, bitches.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Just so long as the mustard isn’t dijon. That shit’s unamerican.

  • I know this is controversial to the point of hair-pulling slap-fights, but I put ketchup on hot dogs. So there.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg
    • eggs ackly-wright

      The ketchup debate is as thorny as the Great Cilantro Wars.

      • Maggielle

        I have heard of the ketchup debate and the Cilantro Wars. Is there also a Mayonnaise Meleé? Because most people I know take (or reject) mayo very seriously.

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          actually around here, the Mayo debate goes past melees….people have the weirdest opinions on things. ; )

          • Lance Thrustwell

            I support all toppings.

            Eat Safe!
            Use Condiments.

          • nightmoth

            Same here. The Mayo debate is associated with identity politics, as in Yankee vs. Rebel.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            well, I meant on wonkette. (I have no friends and I hate mayo anyway).

          • nightmoth

            You got friends here. And we don’t judge you on your condiments.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            everybody needs a support network. ; )

        • eggs ackly-wright

          I think the Belgians have the right idea. So, pro-mayo. And the Messicans also too, where they have cinco de mayo instead of just one.

        • Ill-Advised

          Aioli libelz!!!1!

    • mancityRed6

      ketchup or peanut butter.
      I will have oven sausages later with cheese and bacon, with ketchup.

      • nightmoth

        Peanut Butter??!!!
        WTF?!

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          I agree but then remembered how good peanut butter-bacon sandwiches are, so maybe?

        • mancityRed6

          different strokes for different folks.

        • Querolous
          • nightmoth

            Oh, Lord hamercy. No supper for me tonight.

          • Querolous

            Rule 34b “If it exists, there is food porn of it.”

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Mustard, relish and onions (if I can get fresh onions). Or chili. Can’t go wrong with a good ol’ chili dog.

    • ThirdAmendmentMan

      I don’t understand why it’s controversial. Ketchup, mustard, onions.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Them’s fightin’ words in Chicago.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      YOU MONSTER!

      • proudgrampa

        Took the words right off my keyboard!

      • Villago Delenda Est
        • willi0000000

          so . . . you take your condiment advice from a guy who talks to empty chairs . . . i’ll keep that in mind.

    • JCfromNC

      Oh, that’s okay. Everyone outside of my state thinks we’re insane for putting slaw on our hot dogs.

      • teele

        Whut??? Slaw goes on hamburgers, not hotdogs!

  • Fancy Meau-Faux

    One year as a teen I worked at the state fair. During this time I practically lived off corn dogs. After several days of this disaster pants occurred. They have never held the same appeal since.

    • Maggielle

      Yeah, that’ll disincentivize you in a damn hurry.

  • snigsy

    Happy 4th of July to mes amis! (I have to work today, so please have a few drinky-thingies for me.)

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Going to a brunch in a few hours, where quantities of bacon and sausage will be consumed. Dinner…well, I’ll be at a baseball game but 4th of July is always sold out so grabbing food there is crazy. Fuddrucker’s is having an $8 BBQ burger special so maybe I’ll hit there before the park.

  • Shibusa
    • OrG

      Ahh, the classics.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Every now and then I wonder if he knows he is a meme on the internet and everybody laughs at him.

        • Wild Cat

          He thinks that’s “fame.” In the US, you don’t exist unless you’re on TV. We’re not a very bright culture.

          • SayItWithWookies

            Andy Warhol sounded absurd when said “In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.” Now he’s a prophet.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            I’m convinced of the TV thing. It explains people airing the dirtiest laundry they have on Jerry Springer.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            I don’t watch cable, so I was kinda gobsmacked (I don’t know why) to see a show called “Botched” on TV at the gym.

            It’s basically people who’ve had fucked up plastic surgery. One episode had a woman who got a botched boob job (shown, with nipples censored of course). There she and her husband are, talking about her boobies.

            Also, Honey Boo Boo’s mom was on, in her underwear for portions of it.

            It was weird.

    • ThirdAmendmentMan

      The Cardinals shirt is just so fitting.

      • Wild Cat

        He ironically worships Poo Holes.

  • ThirdAmendmentMan

    Grilling wings and chicken thighs. Made a buffalo sauce and teriyaki sauce yesterday. Will throw on veggies as well. Made a big ass bowl of pasta salad (no mayo of course) as well. Plenty of beer, made sangria earlier, and people can make whatever cocktails they’d like.

    Anyone wearing an American flag article of clothing will be kicked out and there won’t be any “patriotic” music. Partially because I don’t have any.

    • nightmoth

      “wearing an American flag article of clothing”
      How about if it’s in homage to Abbie Hoffman? (Who famously got arrested for it. Little did we know.)

  • Truck Fump
    • proudgrampa

      The prouddogs ALWAYS hated the Fourth…

      • William

        Some veterans aren’t particularly crazy about it either

        • Suttree

          I was never in war, but I look at everyone’s utensils at the dinner table.

          No. This is not a joke.

        • Fancy Meau-Faux

          I’m super jumpy about loud sudden noises, but the 4th doesn’t bother me because it’s predictable.

      • Maggielle

        One of the dogs I’m house-sitting for might welcome the distraction after all the baths I have to give her today. She didn’t get straight-on skunked, but she got skunk adjacent. Luckily dogs tend to be forgiving.

        • Suttree

          You have my dream job! When I was a kid I had clients. I need to figure out how to do it again. A friend of mine is starting a business doing the same.

          • Maggielle

            It can be really awesome. At this place, in addition to a rogue skunk, there is a garden with ripe strawberries and blueberries, and the obligatory ton of zucchinis. The tomatoes aren’t ready yet, but the peaches are ripening on the trees. I am so very fortunate.

          • Suttree

            The only time that Vermonters lock their cars is during zucchini harvest.

          • bupkus231

            ‘Fraid to come back and find a car full of zooks, huh?

          • Suttree

            If there is a Vermonter out there who doesn’t know how to make zucchini bread, they should move back to Massachusetts.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      some j ackasses were setting them off last night…TX Mom says babby kitty heard one and sprinted for a safe space in the closet.

      • grindstone

        They’ve been going off every night since Saturday (folks have Saturday to Saturday beach rentals, I’m guessing). My neighbor said her dog hasn’t gone outside for days, and she finally carried her (the labradoodle) out to the grass and held her in place until she peed a gallon or four. Poor pups!

      • PubOption

        Fireworks are officially banned in St. Louis, except for official displays. There would probably be fewer set off if they were made compulsory. Then we have the idiots without fireworks who join in the festivities by shooting guns in the air.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        We had one moran setting them off at 5:30 Monday morning. Fortunately, I live in a safe, white suburb, so I know it was fireworks.

    • NastyBossetti

      My dog only gets bothered by fireworks if I’m in the room with him. Not sure if he is playing it up to get more attention, or if he thinks he’s protecting me.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        I read once that what we see as dog’s protecting their owners is actually dog’s acting out because they feel safe; they know their “pack leader” has their back.

    • mancityRed6

      if I was back in Lawrence, I’d be making jokes about war zones and thankful for the currently falling rain.
      as it is, the loudest thing I’ve heard since Saturday was some thunder.
      and kids playing with those snap things outside.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      My 5 cats have gone into hiding. I’ll put out canned food for them early AM. I know I won’t see them today.

  • eggs ackly-wright

    I live a couple of blocks from Lake Union in Seattle. The crowds, the traffic, the noise, the drunks yelling whoohoo – what a pain in the ass.

    • Suttree

      It could be worse. You could live in the French Quarter.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Or Syria.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Or Trump Tower

  • Suttree

    So, whatever the wingnuts bullshit was with Obama and dijon mustard, I must say that French’s is disgusting. You may as well rub your hot dog in the dirt. If you are out of pre-made mustard, you should go to your spice cabinet and pull out the Coleman’s powder.. Yes, I am a fucking snob.

  • memzilla Ω
    • Suttree

      Fuck all y’all.Where my womenz at?

  • Bub, the truculent Zombie

    I want to say “Happy America’s Birthday” to all you U.S. based Wonkers, but I can’t help feeling like it’s somehow inappropriate under the present circumstances. It’s rather like seeing a 9 year old sobbing his little heart out because the bully from down the street crashed his party, stole all his presents, chased away his friends, shit on the birthday cake and grabbed his mom by the p***y. Would you say Happy Birthday to that little guy? So I’m just going to say, look on the bright side, hopefully the bully gets thrown into juvenile hall soon…

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      S’okay, Bub. I appreciate the sentiment.

  • memzilla Ω
  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    Shit fuck damn muthafucker…

    It’s the 4th, so I look to see what donnie’s tweeting, it’s this:
    https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/882186896285282304

    I ASSUMED that song would be the anthem or god bless america or america the beatiful…I click and don’t recognize the tune.

    IT’S THAT STUPID FUCKING “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” SONG THEY SANG TO *DONNIE* on Saturday.

    Arrgghhhh!

    (My rage may be due to being up early, trying to get my sleep schedule in order for the fall semester and job).

    • jesterpunk

      You are surprised he makes it about himself?

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        I know, I know, I shouldn’t be, but as our zombie friend notes, it’s just stunning.

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      Every day the motherfucker reaches a new nadir in completely disgusting, unpresidential behaviour. How much lower can he go? I guess we’ll all get to find out.

      • nightmoth

        Maybe it will be like doing the limbo. Remember that? He’ll fall on his back like a turtle and nobody will help him get up.

    • William
    • William
      • Msgr_MΩment

        You don’t want to see her bloomers.

        • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

          That’s a given!

      • ariel_gee_398

        She’s just trying to increase her chances of being grabbed by the pussy. Being a little older than his preferred victims, she added the photos of him to appeal to his narcissism. Just like the IC putting his name in his daily intelligence briefings.

      • TootsStansbury

        Wow. When’s kool-aid?

      • Kiri the Unicorn
      • Marion in Savannah

        Okay, time to go get a pickle fork to stab my eyeballs with…

    • Msgr_MΩment
    • SayItWithWookies

      Fuck that so-called president.

    • Vicki Lawrence’s Covfefe

      It wasn’t Fanfare for the Canned Clam?

    • JoeChristmas

      Which reminds me. Before rock n roll, music sucked a lot.

    • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

      It’s not about the country. It’s about him. Never forget that.

    • Incoming Ham

      Compare and contrast the melodies: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29Mg6Gfh9Co

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Man, that is the whitest gospel choir I have ever seen.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Jeeej! Thank you Americuns!

    http://www.themeparkinsider.com/flume/201707/5631/?_sp=18de6422-50dd-495c-b9a7-c1d2e5ed858e.1499178735111&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ThemeParkInsider+%28Theme+Park+Insider%29

    And here’s the upset. Knocking off six-time champion Tokyo DisneySea, the Dutch park that’s long been a favorite of themed entertainment designers finally claims the top spot in our ratings. And that’s without help from Symbolica, its ambitious new trackless dark ride that missed the June 30 cut-off for eligibility in this year’s awards by one day.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0906d6c823722b0c64a167213aa68e58f984f9968fa56866c6d2415e07b43bc5.jpg The Spawn0fTheBlueLights made me a patio yesterday, just in time for me to sit on it all day today. Who’s bringing the corndogs sidecards pot brownies beer?

    • nightmoth

      Nice job with the child-rearing there.

      • Maggielle

        And congrats to Spawnette for wearing the proper (and cute) non-butt crack shorts.

  • William

    …and a happy *sigh* fourth of July to those who still support Cheeto-Moron…Here ya go. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c26fc7ace970fbf0f1bc658599ec717336915cc4e0d09f0bf03d647f257b6f38.png

    • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

      My understanding is that Jesus wrote the US Constitution and handed it over to Ronald Reagan in a solemn ceremony at NRA headquarters in Virginia. Sean Hannity was the host. The festivities opened with Ted Nugent water-boarding Nancy Pelosi live on stage. Then, after she confessed all her crimes, they cut to Fox News streaming live as Richard Spencer and the Bundy clan burned a cross on Michelle Obama’s mother’s front yard in Chicago. Then, as Jesus read the Second Amendment out loud (that’s the only part of the Constitution that matters) and formally handed it over to Reagan, Sarah and Bristol gave Reagan a handjob behind the podium to keep him awake. After the ceremony everyone was given AR-15s and they all headed off to the shooting range. It was a lovely event, or so I hear.

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        erotica for conservatives. (That sound you here is simultaneous orgasms from uptight people who haven’t had one in decades.)

      • William

        This is a fairly important revelation. BBL, I need to E-mail Alex Jones right away.

        • nightmoth

          Noooooo!

      • Husband Of Mrs God

        Blessed be The Word.

    • Snopes Shop

      I would like to print that out, frame it and stick it over my mantel, please.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      And polyester.

  • nightmoth

    We are not attending the local 4th festivities because the fliers promise that they will be more xenophobic and horrible than usual. “Defend the red, white, and blue! God bless America!” So we were talking about potential retirement towns, and Mr. Nightmoth just made a funny. He said “If we ever do colonize Mars, it will probably be with a gated community.” So true, so true. The rest of ya’ll have a delightful Fourth, and thanks, Wonkette, for the dick pictures up top. That one of Rick always gets me strangely hot.

    • Lizzietish81

      “Start a New Life in the Off World Colonies!”

      • Maggielle

        I have to start studying for the Voight-Kampff test….

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          At least it guarantees no Republicans will ever be allowed to emigrate.

      • WY_cryptid

        The chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Stay clear of the Tannhäuser Gate – security there is a bitch.

  • Lizzietish81

    As all Bostonians know, the proper way to celebrate America is to play a piece that was about Russia defeating Napolean.

    But it has cannons so rock on.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbxgYlcNxE8

    • Suttree

      You are the most bestest thing that ever came from Massachusetts.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      True story: Ronnie Raygun had French president Giscard d’Estaing over to celebrate the 200th birthday of the Statue of Liberty. The grand finale of the day was the fireworks – with the 1812 Overture blaring away. There’s a photo somewhere of Raygun grinning like an idiot, with Giscard d’Estaing doing his best Gallic stone face.

      • Persistent Demme

        That all seems so quaint, now.
        (I wonder what horrors are in store for us today.)

  • Apple Scruff
  • Bub, the truculent Zombie

    I tweaked Matthew Dowd on Twitter a while back over something stupid he posted, and just found that he blocked me. So now I too have something to celebrate this 4th of July.

    • Incoming Ham

      I think Grover Nordquist blocked me. I was apparently mean.

      • Bub, the truculent Zombie

        I’m hoping Grover did too, but I haven’t checked.

    • Paul

      Wonder if he’s blocked “Driftglass” yet?

    • Snopes Shop

      Journalists blocking citizens on Twitter is so freedomy

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Getting blocked by him isn’t celebration enough?

  • TundraGrifter

    Corn dogs – why?

    Meanwhile, there is no reason – ever – to use brownie mix. Brownies are so easy to make from scratch and you can add chocolate chips (coat them in the flour first so they don’t all sink to the bottom of the pan), chocolate syrup (you don’t have Hersey’s Chocolate Syrup? Are you a bed-wetting Godless pinko?) or both. Also.

    • Edith Prickly

      Corn dogs – because deep-fried corn batter, hot dog, and BJ practice all at one.

      Agreed on the brownies, just make that shit yourself.

    • nightmoth

      Thanks for the chips tip.

      • TundraGrifter

        Invented by my best friend Jerry The Jet. You can also just chop up a chocolate bar – particularly if you wind up with one that really isn’t the best chocolate.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      The brownie recipe from the Joy of Cooking is the best. Also, too, you can soak the plant parts in the melted butter to help extract organic compounds. Chemistry! http://www.stat.ucla.edu/~brodsky/recipes/brownies_cockaigne.html

      • Rags

        Yes indeed. However I do modify the recipe slightly. Use DOUBLE the chocolate JOC calls for! I kid u not, brownie Nirvana (or brownie U2- YMMV) will ensue!

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          Thanks! Must try!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Happy Malia’s birthday everybody! And whatever else is going on, too.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You can see so much of her mom in her face. Gorgeous!

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos
    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Finally something Sarah Palin could actually see from her porch.

      • ariel_gee_398

        Unfortunately, Alaska’s ballistic missile defense system is the same as its wolf defense system – Sarah Palin in a helicopter with an AK-47.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Which will do a hell of a lot of good.

        • Robbertjan Brandenburg

          What we need is a good wolf with a MANPAD.

      • Suttree

        Todd’s flipped over snowmachine?

    • Suttree

      The liberal Northeast wins again. :)

    • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

      While our stupid “I make the Best Deals” POTUS tweets that other countries will stop NK while he guts the State Department and once again fails as a leader in the free world.

    • ManchuCandidate

      Considering NK’s guidance system and physical missile failures, the great plastic garbage spot of the Pacific has more to fear than Alaska or Hawaii

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        that, that would actually be something good for the world. (Nuclear fallout can’t be worse than whatever the hell is floating out there).

        • OutOfOrbit

          Plasticine fallout in a rainbow of colors!

      • OutOfOrbit

        You know that gives me an idea…

        *Runs off to ponder the possibilities.*

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      If one takes NK seriously, then Kim Jong Il’s birth was heralded by a rainbow, the reappearance of a unicorn, and the splitting of a mighty mountain.

      So, maybe.

      • UnsaltedSinner

        They say Kim Jong-un has found a cure for cancer, ebola and HIV, but like Trump he likes to keep his best ideas secret.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          “My secret cancer cure is like Trump’s secret Syria plan in that they both involve drop bombs on a troubled area, probably with so much collateral damage that the point of the original goal is lost. But the camera footage is amazing.”
          — Kim Jong-un

      • CripesAmighty

        And Donald’s by a new sandwich at Cracker Barrel and a mattress sale.

    • CripesAmighty
      • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

        Thanks for posting this. We need some good, rollicking anti-war, anti-gov songs now.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Remember when W chucked Clinton’s Plutonium deal with NK out the window…

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Almost all cocktails have english names anyway, regardless of the places where they were invented.

  • Suttree

    I have the most amazing girlfriend. Thank you Wonkette! Lizzietish makes me smile everyday.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Hey you dip frog’s legs in this here batter & fry em up, you got corn frogs?

  • “OK, it’s your OPEN THREAD. We’ll be back tomorrow, assuming World War Trump doesn’t break out.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    between donnie and lil’ kim we are doomed.

  • Michael R
    • Marion in Savannah

      Cute!

  • Lyly Sirivong

    I have 35 minutes left at work. And I’m on wonkette. That’s how motivated I am. Fortunately, no one can see what I’m actually doing on my computer.

    • Angry Red Bird DGAF

      What kind of job do you have that makes you work on the high holy day of The Fourth of July?

      • Maggielle

        Gotta be retail or hospital or public safety or lifeguard or over-worked paralegal.

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          or not-american. : )

          (And glad to hear I’ll be working on the 4th when I graduate school. Yay…)

          • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

            Did you get a job?

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            nope, not yet!
            But i have to have one or an internship starting in six weeks.

          • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

            Good luck!

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            thanks!

      • Lyly Sirivong

        I’m not American. So it’s a normal day for me.
        The holy day for me is Bastille day. And it’s on a friday this year. Which means a 3 day weekend. Woohoo !

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          I’m sorry the shitgibbon will be in your vicinity then.

          • Amy!

            Lock him up.

          • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

            Any tumbrels available for a trip to the Place de la Concorde?

          • Lyly Sirivong

            Oh I’m gonna have fun. The military parade is broadcast on TV. I’m so watching it. I might even liveblog it.

    • Maggielle

      I think it is now after work for you. Have fun!

  • William
    • canes_pugnaces

      What the hell is that thing? It looks like a bbq from Thunderdome.

      • William

        It’s a Hemi grill. Don’t you have one?

      • proudgrampa

        It IS a bbq from Thunderdome.

      • mancityRed6

        judging from the size of the gas tank in front, it’ll probably run for about 10, maybe 15 minutes.

        • OutOfOrbit

          Don’t you mean, “seconds”?

          • mancityRed6

            now, now. that’s at least five gallons.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          That’s enough for a beer run. Functional design at its best.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        It’s the Grillmeister 9000 with a Heinkel Diesel engine.

        • mancityRed6

          not with those spark plugs, it ain’t

        • Lordpnut

          “No nine-thousand series grill has ever blacked a dog what didn’t have it coming; so fuck off, Dave.”

      • Ghenghis McCann

        It’s a rejected design for a car in “Wacky Races”.

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        A summer zamboni?

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Being Canuckistanian, mine is powered by four coupled Rotax 600cc snowmobile engines.

    • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

      Words fail me.

  • canes_pugnaces

    Enjoy your last July 4th. The name and date is being changed to Trump Day™, November 8, after our fearless leader. That is if we make it through the impending threat of a Trumpo-nuclear™ war.

  • BadKitty904
    • William
      • Biel_ze_Bubba
        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          How we’ve fallen as a nation. We seem to alternate between intelligent, funny presidents, and bumbling morons who can barely find their own dicks. Weird how the bumbling morons are always Republicans.

        • The Librarian

          Love this, I wants to give moar upfists.

        • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

          The Man has a great sense of humor and impeccable timing.

      • Joe Beese

        One time Mrs. Beese and I went through a KFC drive through to pick up dinner to deliver to the family of a co-worker of hers who was bedridden after a medical procedure.

        After dropping the food off, we were then both kind of in the mood for chicken. So, since it was on the way back to our house, we went back to the same drive through.

        And the same guy who had rung us up half an hour earlier was still there. And he was looking at us like “You depraved gluttonous fucks.”

    • mancityRed6

      hey, they didn’t actually say I couldn’t. so there.

    • Subrok

      It could only be more patriotic if that was the gravy spigot.

  • ariel_gee_398

    My patriotic plan is to play Woody Guthrie all day long.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qCpFn1iIqk

  • forcing myself to go for a run, then greasy breakfast, wonder woman (again) and local park fireworks where the cops look the other way when you attend with beverages.

    especially this year.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Famous last words?!
      Next: “It used to be like that!”

  • ManchuCandidate

    Happy US Amercia day!

  • William
    • Ghenghis McCann

      Hey, “Larry Hotdogs” was my Pornstar name, according to one of those “What’s your Pornstar name” websites.

      • William

        LOL.

      • grindstone

        I never got past the original drag name generator that said use the name of the street you grew up on. “Hwy 25-70” just doesn’t have the cache I was looking for.

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Mine said to use your first let’s name and you childhood street address.
          I though Empie (Empress) Bragg was a great drag name.

          • grindstone

            That’s the one. I could be Chip State Road 10-10, or Beau Hwy 25-70. I decided to go with the cat and be Dirt Road Sadie.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Rex Calla here. Fluffer not needed.

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            Happy 4th Celt.

    • grindstone

      I laughed way too hard at that.

    • Jeffocaster in the East

      So, the original dogs were made with Republicans? Stuffed in pig intestines to look like dicks? Wow……ya never know

    • PubOption

      I heard that they were originally called ‘Red Hots’, until someone questioned the nature of the meat.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Got to get me one of them there machines. For a friend.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    I saw two brown skinned gentleman, who I think were maybe Guatemalan yesterday in a truck stop. One of them had a red T-shirt, with a screaming American eagle on it, and it had some caption on it like “you can’t hear the sound of my freedom.” I was not sure if he was wearing the T-shirt ironically or not. Anyway, I was in Tennessee, so I asked him for his papers, and then made a citizen’s arrest, because it’s “America, FUCK YEAH!!!!!” weekend. Hopefully he got deported so he won’t be stealing any American fruit picking jobs. The End.

    • William
    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      One of the saddest things you can ever see is a group of native born, all-American youth trudging sadly away from a street corner after the guys looking for farm labourers hired a bunch of dirty Meskins instead of them. All those kids want is the opportunity to toil under the hot sun all day for less than minimum wage, and nobody will even give them a chance! It just ain’t fair, dammit!

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I had a tenant say to me one time “I’m going to find a local kid who’ll cut the grass for $20.” I was thinking “yeah, sure, I’ve seen so many kids out cutting their neighbor’s yards in the past 40 years. I mean, sure, those guys with the landscaping trucks are out there, too, but it’s mostly just the kids with their lawnmowers.

        • therblig

          has he returned from his search, only to find that he was declared dead and his wife beset by greedy suitors who mistreat his son?

          • Celtic_Gnome

            And unsuccessfully try to string his bow.

          • SadDemInTex

            Odysseus Libelz

    • Subrok

      I read a blurb about some guy named Ernesto who legally changed his surname to Trump. He’s also the son of ill-eagle immigants…

    • canes_pugnaces

      During the ‘great recession’ (also known as a GOP economy), a farmer in Northern CA (near my bros little vineyard) offered to pay $15 for any US citizen who was able, to pick strawberries. One person showed up, He quit by 10AM.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Not far from me a local tomato farmer stated he would only hire “English Speaking US Americans”for his harvest. As they started to rot in the field he changed his tune.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        When I had my own business, I used to pay carpenters $20 an hour. I had one guy who would literally work 14 hours per week, but he’d spread it out over three days. If you’re wondering if he had a second job, he did not. He also quit because I told him I had to start only paying him for the hours he actually worked.

  • proudgrampa

    Grilling kebabs today.

    Yeah, I know they’re Middle East origin, but I’m a little sick of ‘Murka right now.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Aye-yup.

    • weejee

      Maybe hum a little song from a bit further east…

  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ENJOYING CORN DOGS.

    • Old town Urbandale

      As long as you’re not doing it in the street and scaring the horses.

    • mancityRed6

      people who are going to be photographed just never need to eat in public.
      at all.
      it never turns out right.

    • Ricky Gay

      Whoa there grandpa, there was a war going on. We understand!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Especially after a rousing game of Cornhole.

  • grindstone

    Happy Independence day to my flawed but beloved country.

  • mancityRed6

    this was my fourth last year.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2baa77d1bd237e601823e17b665c95a5efd3006e4949afadf514ac8297521d07.jpg
    I don’t think I’ll be doing that this year.

    • grindstone

      Unless you ate all that yourself, WHY NOT this year??!! That looks like my idea of heaven.

    • proudgrampa

      Hmmm. Mixed grill!

    • Ricky Gay

      Hey! Is that butterflied giant penis?!

      • mancityRed6

        giant penis? you know how pricey that stuff is? it’s chopped and formed lips and assholes.
        er, I mean sausage.

        • Ricky Gay

          Sounds offal! ;-)

  • Ωbjectifier

    Ashcroft? Pfft. Suck on this!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-jaEsLJQRM

    • Villago Delenda Est

      AARRRRRGGGGHHHH I HATE THAT FUCKING SONG!

    • mancityRed6

      I don’t wish for people to die, but there are…well, let’s just say a number of people who would make me feel a lot better if they would stop existing.

    • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

      Ugh. Watching trump in that video disgusts me. It reminds me of being a teen and watching my abusive, sociopathic father in church singing with an angelic look on his face. Disgusting hypocrites. Sociopathic father is dead and good riddance. Since we can’t wish death on His Trumpiness, I wish him an overload of hot dogs and chocolate cake.

      • He’s been a good boy, he gets THREE scoops of ice cream!

        • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

          Thanks, I forgot the ice cream. Give him more ice cream than anyone else in Murka!

    • CripesAmighty
  • Bub, the truculent Zombie

    Try keeping your corndogs down after listening to this:

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/07/trump-tweets-maga-choir-video-for-independence-day/

    “Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.”

    NORMAN MACDONALD, Maxims and Moral Reflections

  • proudgrampa

    For dessert, we are having Wackelpuddding*.

    *I wish to make “Wackelpudding’ a staple of the American lexicon. Therefore, I will use the word at least once a day, no matter its relevance…

    • Ghenghis McCann

      What you need to do is declare a random date “Wackelpuddding Day”, and encourage people to give gifts of Wackelpuddding to their friends and neighbours on that date.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Don’t forget you need a “Wackel Song”

        Here we come a-wackeling
        Among the leaves so green,
        Here we come a-wand’ring
        So fair to be seen.
        Love and joy come to you,
        And to you your wackel, too,
        And God send you a Happy
        Wackelpudding Day
        A Joyous Wackelpudding Day.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          I just intended to make money selling Wackelpuddding Day cards.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            Sorry, but holidays always get out of control. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to decorate the Wackel Bush (not a euphemism).

          • lowenufc

            Dammit. Wackelpudding Day is already too commercial and not a real representation of the holiday.

          • Ghenghis McCann

            I remember when you made your own Wackelpuddding and didn’t just open a can. Young folks today. (Exits muttering.)

          • Celtic_Gnome

            I went to a Wackelpudding Festival, and everyone brought Wackelpudding from Kroger’s deli department.

            Might as well garnish it with canned clams as far as I’m concerned.

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Everybody forgets the true meaning of Wackelpudding Day, the reason for the season. Which is….. give me a minute….

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Now bring out the Wackelpudding
          Now bring out the Wackelpudding
          Now bring out the Wackelpudding
          And bring it right here.

          We won’t go until we get some
          We won’t go until we get some
          We won’t go until we get some
          Fuck you in the ear.

          /apologies to figgie pudding and to We wish you a Merry Christmas

          • Celtic_Gnome

            No need to apologize. Wackelpudding blows figgie pudding away.

      • proudgrampa

        EVERY day is Wackelpudding Day!

    • lowenufc

      Recipe for Wacklepudding?
      I’d start with booze, because all good recipes start with booze.

    • VirginiaLady

      You just gave me a idea.

  • Ricky Gay

    That Palin crime scene illustration gives my heart a LOL every time. Happy 4th!

  • weejee

    watch out for flaming presidential Tweets

    tRump has caught the ghey?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e80cc3b8e379b11e8af3136f94d83d42a102677948e1d066bf1fd89164edf387.jpg

  • Incoming Ham

    A B25 and a P51 Mustang just went over our place.

    • Jeffocaster in the East

      Trump sent them to Japan for payback for Pearl Harbor……..

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Shouldn’t he have sent them to Germany?

        • Ghenghis McCann

          Are you suggesting Trump knows history?

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “If coal, steam catapults and prop planes were good enough to win WWII, then why aren’t we using them today!”
        — Donald Trump

    • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

      Remembering the last war in which we were on the winning side–and one that had nothing to do with becoming an independent nation–is all we have left.

    • eyelashviper

      Not to worry, it’s the drones that get ya.

  • Lizzietish81
  • Sedagive ’em Hell

    Headed to the Poconos for a big family get-together. Liberals all (in attendance from both coasts), but we suspect that one lone PA gun nut may have pulled the trigger for 45 and helped usher in the end times. Hopefully we will not speak of it.

    It will be a vegan affair with free-range Not Dogs, eggless potato salad and cruelty-free corn.

    Dog bless America – it looked good on paper.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg
      • Sedagive ’em Hell

        At the age of 12 I tried to rescue some lobsters from a seafood restaurant tank (I had to be removed from the premises). I’ve never looked back.

        Also, too: I don’t really care for tofu. Life is hard.

        • grindstone

          Tofu’s not too bad if you fry it in bacon grease…..oh, wait, never mind.

    • VirginiaLady

      Cruelty free corn? It doesn’t develop the sugary sweetness unless it’s been abused for a few days before picking. Happy 4th!

  • eyelashviper

    Well, the food (??) and pictures thereof made me nauseous, but the Wasillabilly Bayeux Tapestry made me laugh, and now I just wanna know if it is too early to start drinking.
    A toast to the once fine and proud USA, glad we knew ya!

    • OutOfOrbit

      It is after six, so Bottoms Up (no pants, of course).

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      It’s five here so go for it!

    • doktorzoom

      I bought the shirt!

      • eyelashviper

        Pretty nice, but I love the Wasillbilly Bayreuth Tapestry title better.!

  • miss_grundy

    Hmmm, the local Sonic has Happy Hour from 2 to 4 p.m. with half-priced fountain drinks and corn dogs for .99 cents. I think I will stop by today. Happy Fourth, everyone!

    • therblig

      even if i ate meat, i would NEVER go to a sonic because i hate those 2 nitwits in their commercials with the fire of a thousand suns.

      happy fourth!!!

      • PubOption

        Also, their burgers might be hedgehog meat.

  • gene108

    MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

    As our new 4th of July tradition has been decreed!!!!!

    • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

      Isn’t Happy Holidays instead?

      • gene108

        Fuck no!!! Happy Holidays is for that December holiday!!!!

        This is the new Christmas in July!!!

        Also, too why do you hate Jesus? And why are you persecuting white heterosexual American Christians with your filthy Happy Holidays talk?

      • TootsStansbury

        We’ve always been at war with Christmas.

    • eyelashviper

      Bring out the white Santa, with goodies for all obedient sycophants…yea Murika!!!

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Every day is Christmas, so “Howdy Ho!”

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ABUYLeyR3k

  • canes_pugnaces

    A July 4th oldie-but-moldy from Canes =>

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCddqLakNv0&feature=youtu.be

    • Msgr_MΩment

      You can’t spell cannabis without…

      • canes_pugnaces

        It’s true: there’s a little cannibal in every cannabus.

  • proudgrampa
    • weejee

      ♪ There was a big high wall there that tried to stop me
      The sign was painted, said ‘Private Property’
      But on the backside, it didn’t say nothing
      This land was made for you and me ♪

  • data_ninja

    “Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it!”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lebhfjSTtSA

  • Nockular cavity

    Here is the true story of American. U!S!A!
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PTcVNuNX8yY

  • Latverian Diplomat
    • Joe Beese

      Strontium is a Chinese hoax meant to damage the competitiveness of American businesses.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        The periodic table is suspiciously orderly…as if atoms were just spontaneously arrange their properties that way…can’t be believed.

        • Shibusa

          I heard this story on public radio: When Obama went to MIT to do an energy speech, Professor Angela Belcher gave him a periodic table, saying it might come in handy. Obama said, “Thank you. I’ll look at it periodically.”

    • Kiri the Unicorn
  • Angela Ruzzo

    Warning: Newton’s First Law of Motion (every object will remain at rest or in uniform motion in a straight line [hot dog bun containing dog and chili] unless compelled to change its state by the action of an external force [your teeth]) and his Second Law of Motion (any particle of matter in the universe [chili] attracts any other [your shirt] with a force varying directly as the product of the masses [too much chili in bun] and inversely as the square of the distance between them [are you standing up or sitting down?]) apply to eating chili dogs, so my advice is to either wear a bib while eating one, or eat it naked. Naked is more fun.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Done, and done.

    • Me not sure

      One naked dog, comin’ up!

    • Doug Langley

      But which Newton’s law says that a chili dog at complete rest will have the chili suddenly jump in every direction?

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Might that have something to do with how many beers the chili dog holder has consumed?

        • Dimitrios M.

          The number of beers may be directly responsible for any sudden changes of direction within your alimentary canal.

        • Doug Langley

          I believe it’s directly proportional to whether the holder’s clothes can be dry cleaned.

    • Dimitrios M.

      That’s some kind of corollary to Martinizing’s Law, which states that dark dust, dirt and stains are attracted to light colored clothes, while light dust, dirt and stains are attracted to dark colored clothes

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I believe Martinizing’s Law also includes pet hair, so if you have a white cat, the hair is attracted to dark clothes, and vice versa.

  • fuck this america shit.

    today i’m going to celebrate posh and beck’s 18th anniversary.

    • lowenufc

      18 years? Damn, I have to get them a card.

    • Joe Beese

      I saw Spice World. In the theaters. Twice.

      I’d rather not talk about it.

      • Bub, the truculent Zombie

        I’d rather not hear about it. *shudders*

      • mancityRed6

        I saw Spice World and Cool as Ice.
        you ain’t seen nothing.

        • lowenufc

          Someone should walk behind you, ringing a bell, and saying “Shame” over and over again…

          • Dimitrios M.

            Humpf! That’s nothing, I saw, “:Hey, Let’s Twist” staring Joey Dee and the patrons of the Peppermint Lounge playing themselves, plus a bunch of actors hiding behind character names.

            This flick marked the debut of Joe Pesci, although he showed remarkable acumen in a neophyte by not taking any credit.

      • Nockular cavity

        Man. We all have our regrettable-behavior-on-a-bender stories, but still…

      • therblig

        i remember reading somewhere that richard e. grant only took the part as their manager because his young daughter begged him to. you have to respect that level of parenting.

  • Ωbjectifier
  • eyelashviper
  • Me not sure

    “Sail on, o ship of state. …Hey, who released the Kraken?”
    Happy Fourth of July! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9ac19876181b2f1b0c59ab199b0bfb7eea0182e13cf510f494300dabc1b266bf.gif

    • Dimitrios M.

      Howcum the Kraken isn’t orange?

      • Me not sure

        The metaphorical Kraken’s color is real?

  • lowenufc

    Trying to decide if I should load up the smoker now, open a beer and then load up the smoker, drink a beer and open the second before loading up the smoker, or remember that my smoker is just a Weber grill that I bodge into some semblance of a smoker. With a beer.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      I think you should go with beer.

      • lowenufc

        This is why I love me my wonketeers.
        Such great ideas. Think I will open the Vermont Lager first.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      neez moar beer.

    • William

      Improvise. Oh, and just for the record, the likely effects of the probable lead paint on that ancient file cabinet isn’t an endorsement from me or even my property. I stole that photo from some red-neck improvise site. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fe86b890c1311c5dd9037d771757da7a244a430abd88b3fe9fec2689865c9b76.jpg

      • lowenufc

        That is brilliant.

        • Dimitrios M.

          It s’okay if you really like chicken, but it would work better with all the drawers filled with ice and beer. And not just for July 4th, but everyday.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        “What was your previous job?”
        “I was the filing clerk at a barbecue.”

      • eyelashviper

        Top drawer has the ribs?

    • Doug Langley

      Just do a beer can roast and be done with it.

      • Dimitrios M.

        There’s nothing more tasty than steaming hoi beer.

  • Kiri the Unicorn
  • Do you think the Queen of England would take us back if we asked really nicely?

    • Steve Cole

      Trumpolini is the wrong messenger. Perhaps we could send John Oliver?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      We’d have to start spelling words like colour and theatre correctly.

      • CripesAmighty

        And, speaking in completes sentences with enunciation unimpeded by a gob full of Skoal.

        • Marion in Savannah

          I think that might be covered in the “improving our behaviour” part of the deal.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        No one will believe me when I tell them the cheque is in the mail.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Not until you call her “Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and her other Realms and Territories Overseas.”

      • The Wanderer

        Don’t forget “Defender of the Faith.”

        • Dimitrios M.

          I will remain a royalist if they sequester Charles and pass the crown to William (or possibly Charlotte considering how Elizabeth is hanging in there.) But if there is ever a Queen Camilla, I’m joining an anarcho-syndicalist commune.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Buffoons.”

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Well, in the case of Charles, it’s hard to find fault with this.

  • Randy Riddle

    I’ll be happy when we can celebrate Independence from Russia Day.

  • Bub, the truculent Zombie

    THIS is how you do the “Star Spangled Banner:

    https://youtu.be/vgyGJl_xm6o

    • Kiri the Unicorn
    • azeyote

      saw him do it at the Atlanta festival – fantastic

      • Bub, the truculent Zombie

        I envy you. I was seven when he died, I can only imagine what it must have been like to see him live.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Sarge: “Will you turn that disrespectful junk off?!?”
      Fillmore: “Respect the classics, man! It’s Hendrix!”

    • Dimitrios M.

      Never got to see Hendrix in person, but sure got to hear a lot of uptight assholes bitching about Hendrix version. But now, years have passed and many of the bellyachers have gone the way of the dodo, and the rest have been told to shut up and sit down often enough to know to keep their pie-holes locked in the “don’t prove you’re an idiot” position.

      • Rags

        Saw him in 67 in England. Jels?

      • Bub, the truculent Zombie

        Will that ever work with Trump voters, I wonder?

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Hendrix was an Army vet. So by definition his version is patriotic.

  • Joe Beese

    “It’s a big flag, am I right? I love the flag. Just love it. Is that not ‘politically correct’? Does Psycho Joe have a problem with that? That’s too bad. Because we love the flag. And we’re going to make America great again.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8cc28160c50f70c014d2ce3920705ee070c482d21d056383fd81e3fcee8e468c.png

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      Sure he loves it – he just has no fucking clue at all what the hell it stands for.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        http://thehill.com/sites/default/files/styles/thumb_small_article/public/blogs/trump_flag_hug.png?itok=xuL8N9lH

        I didn’t even know it had a pussy, but he found it and grabbed it. Gonna need to burn that one- we’ll never get the stains out.

        • Bub, the truculent Zombie

          I’m sure it has big impression of the side of his face on it, marked in grease and spray tan. Some Trumpkin will save it as a holy relic – the RWNJ version of the Shroud of Turin.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            “…Seen here, wiping KFC grease and flecks of spittle from his face before taking the podium…”

          • Ghenghis McCann

            Wondering which fast food joint has napkins with the same pattern, because it looks slightly familiar.

          • therblig

            the shroud of treason

        • Dimitrios M.

          Red. Orange and Blue — the Stars and Smudges, not forever, just until they pay the dry cleaner’s bill.

    • Covfefe

      The whole point of Christianity, according to some people, is exclusion; and the whole point of America, now that it’s great again, is exclusion. Hand & glove.

      • Lordpnut

        The biggest disagreement among early Christians was whether one first had to be Jewish. Drove up recruitment for the PFJ though.

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          Splitters!

        • grindstone

          Rescue boat reaches a deserted island and finds a man who has survived there alone for six years. On the island are three lovely handmade structures. The rescuers ask about them. “That”, says the man, “that’s where I live.” Gesturing to another building he says, “That’s where I go to church.” The rescuers indicate the third building and ask, “And what about that building?”. “Ohhhhhhh,” the fellow says, “well, that’s where I used to go to church.”

        • Rags

          JPF libelz!!

    • Edith Prickly

      Betsy Ross – did an amazing job. She’s getting recognize more and more, I notice.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Sovereign Citizens and Trump agree–flag could use some gold trim.

      • Old Man Yells at Cloud

        And more cow bell!

  • azeyote

    to make pot brownies you first have to make the butter
    simmer butter and bud for 45 minutes to an hour strain and voila – the more bud to butter the better the brownie –

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Use the Joy of Cooking brownies recipe posted down thread.

    • mancityRed6

      and don’t let your 80 pound chocolate lab get into them, as some friends of mine found out.

      • OrG

        Or your 12 pound Lhasa Apso.

  • Someone somewhere on a different interweb called today’s festivities, Brexit 1776, and I laughed.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Well, it was started by a bunch of rich White men who didn’t want to pay taxes. So there’s that.

  • beingreleased

    I got up a 4:30 this morning to get the pork roast on the smoker by 5. Hopefully it will be ready for dinner at 6.

    • eyelashviper

      Hope you made enough for us all…..

    • So, that’s what you call it, pork roast in the smoker?

  • BigCSouthside

    Did the president really go the “high school girl mean tweet” route in response to a potential nuclear threat? WTF happened to this country

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Decades of right-wing attacks on American ideals and institutions.

    • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

      Rather than issue a statement that reflected diplomacy and leadership, he told other countries they had to do something about N.K. It would have been better (as usual) if he had refrained from commenting at all.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Oh, the Tea Party, educmacation funding being cut, history being forgotten and repeated….the usual during creeping fascism.

  • folderol

    Celebrate the Revolution by fighting amongst ourselves! Great idea. But isn’t that more appropriate for a Civil War anniversary? Not that we really ever finished fighting that one.

  • Ezio

    Truly there is nothing more appropriate for celebrating America than with a bunch of meat named after places in Germany and lighting up objects from China.

    • Nockular cavity

      Well at least we speak American!

      • therblig

        wiki: “but the first specialized trauma care center in the world was opened in 1911 in the United States at the University of Louisville Hospital in Louisville, Kentucky, and was developed by surgeon Arnold Griswold during the 1930s”

        many of our countryfellows will enjoy the services of this uniquely murican institution later this evening.

        light an M80 for Griswold today!!

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Sorry, folks, the ICU is closed. The moose out front should have told you.

        • Alex Grey

          Paid for by their Obamacare, which everyone knows is the most unpatriotic thing ever…

    • Msgr_MΩment

      If the French had won the Battle of Sedan, that’d be Chiens Chauds to you, Monsieur.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Drinking something first brewed in Egypt. Mohammed can’t tell me what to do (Peace be upon him).

  • Kiri the Unicorn
    • Msgr_MΩment

      Hey, isn’t that the guy from Wings Shining Time Station?

      • Sedagive ’em Hell

        I hear that Kanye is going to help that guy break into show business.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          “On behalf of the group and ourselves, and I hope we passed the audition.”

    • Joe Beese

      The thing about The Beatles that it’s hard to appreciate in retrospect is that they went from a group that girls liked because it had cute boys in it to the universally-acknowledged Most Important Band In The World in only four years.

      It would be as if New Kids On The Block had turned into Radiohead.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Girls liked the Beatles because they sang, “I wanna hold your hand.” Boys like the Stones because they sang, “Let’s spend the night together.”

    • disqus_DCiinn37br

      I started reading an article once that started with “This hip hop artist was more influential on music than the Beatles…’ and just thought, ” no, don’t you DARE…’

      • Bub, the truculent Zombie

        Hip hope? Influential? Bullshit. All they do is straight up steal other people’s melodies and shout nonsense lyrics over them,

        Yes, I am an old. Why do you ask?

  • The Wanderer

    Standard picnic fare is on the menu: Grilled hot dogs, potato salad, carrot-raisin salad, baked beans, and Voodoo Ranger IPA for guzzling purposes. Afters include cheesecake and fireworks.

  • Swampgas_Man

    I’m a solitary soul, so no pic-a-nic for me today– just lying back and listening to the ambulance / fire sirens going down the street.

  • Doug Langley

    Summer camp is off this week, I presume because of the 4th. They’re having a potluck get together, so I’m planning on going. Heaven only knows what they’ll have, potlucks are usually “gosh I now have a chance to bring all the sugary snack stuff I want cuz it’s a party” or something. I’ll be steaming veggies (carrots, cauliflower, broccoli) and slathering with butter. Cheap but nutritious.

  • doktorzoom

    I’ve updated the image credit to the actual post on The Mudflats about the Great Palin Brawl. It has also, of course, been memorialized on a tee shirt.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Ah, good times. Thanks, Dok. Happy 4th.

      https://youtu.be/IKqXu-5jw60

      • Joe Beese
        • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

          This was our childhood for a lot of us Oldz. I remember being anxious that we were going to be attacked by the USSR.

          • DrBigHead

            Went through the duck and cover drills in grade school, not that it would have made a damn bit of difference

          • therblig

            my parents built a bomb shelter in our basement and stocked it with end of the world goods. i always wondered how we’d get out after the rest of the house collapsed on top of it.

            my mom worried about the neighbors trying to crowd in, like the twilight zone episode (“The Shelter”).

  • Scooby

    My neighbor came by to show me a quote by Steven Hawking that the universe may have been designed. I told him Steven Hawking just said Trump was going to destroy humanity and the earth. He responded “what the hell does Steven Hawking know!”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      A man walks down the street
      He says why am I short of attention
      Got a short little span of attention
      And wo my nights are so long

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Why am I so soft in the middle,
        So soft in the middle now,
        When the rest of my life is so hard?

    • jesterpunk
      • C4TWOMAN

        That was such a satisfying scene. Loki, the Asshole of Asgard.

  • coozledad

    E. D. Furnam, of the Washington Regiment, writes of the battles of February 4th and 5th:

    We burned hundreds of houses and looted hundreds more. Some of the boys made good hauls of jewelry and clothing. Nearly every man has at least two suits of clothing, and our quarters are furnished in style; fine beds with silken drapery, mirrors, chairs, rockers, cushions, pianos, hanging-lamps, rugs, pictures, etc. We have horses and carriages, and bull-carts galore, and enough furniture and other plunder to load a steamer.

    N. A. J. McDonnel, of the Utah Battery, February 22d:

    The enemy numbered thousands and had courage, but could not shoot straight. People can never tell me anything about the Rough Riders charging San Juan. If these natives could shoot as accurately as the Spanish, they would have exterminated us. Fighting goes on all along the lines, many natives are killed, but we capture very few rifles, as they seem to have men to take them. Official reports say over four thousand two hundred natives have been buried by American troops. How many they have buried themselves and how many more are dead in the brush no one knows.

    Frank M. Erb, of the Pennsylvania Regiment. February 27th:

    We have been in this nigger-fighting business now for twenty-three days, and have been under fire for the greater part of that time. The niggers shoot over one another’s heads or any old way. Even while I am writing this the black boys are banging away at our outposts, but they very seldom hit anybody. The morning of the 6th a burying detail from our regiment buried forty-nine nigger enlisted men and two nigger officers, and when we stopped chasing them the night before, we could see ‘em carrying a great many with them. We are supposed to have killed about three hundred. Take my advice, and don’t enlist in the regulars, for you are good for three years. I am not sorry I enlisted, but you see we have had some excitement and we only have about fourteen months’ time to serve, if they keep us our full time, which is not likely. We will, no doubt, start home as soon as we get these niggers rounded up.

    Anthony Michea, of the Third Artillery:

    We bombarded a place called Malabon, and then we went in and killed every native we met, men, women, and children. It was a dreadful sight, the killing of the poor creatures. The natives captured some of the Americans and literally hacked them to pieces, so we got orders to spare no one.

    Get the charcoal lighter fluid
    Spray it on the whole damn bag
    Dance and weep, you flaming druid
    Pissed up, wrapped up in your flag
    Burn that meat and half choke on it
    Drink until you weave and drop
    Bet someone else’s blood upon it
    There’s no one can make it stop.

  • witsended

    As a non merican I decided to celebrate this year by paying homage to your greatest living countryman.
    Because of the time difference I have already spent hours on the one activity I love more than anything else.
    Rubbing a picture of Donald Trump over my naked body whilst listening to Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing.
    Hope your day is as fun filled as mine.

  • canes_pugnaces
  • Left Coast Tom

    Nice Time picture…two days ago, in Tahoe’s Desolation Wilderness.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a140e3f558a28004d6a5beb6d9a74d245c5ac1b72ab1c6804b5cd34c574eb4e1.jpg

    • proudgrampa

      I’ve been there, man! Truly one of the most beautiful, pristine spots in the world.

    • C4TWOMAN

      I am full of jealousy. The way I dress, mostly in black and Docs, everyone assumes I’m a punk, urban creature. But my soul has always been in the wilderness. Don’t get out of the city enough these days…
      :(

      • canes_pugnaces

        You can be both, I know.

  • Doug Langley

    Gosh, it sure is hot today. Better load up on the sunscreen.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkK3xjKl2i4

  • Bub, the truculent Zombie

    How Republican politicians view their country’s most important founding principles:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/28dfdd92046f0fb0e6ef69ce60adc09a24ef81e6664016ba38f84d6eda5cf69e.jpg

    • Ghenghis McCann

      “We had to destroy the Constitution, in order to save it.”

    • jesterpunk

      There is more to the Constitution then the part about guns?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Governor Cartman and duh NJ lege reached a budget agreement late last night. Fun for all.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Gov had no reason not to sign. He got what he wanted: A day at the beach with no crowds.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        The Lege was clearly worn down by those images of Krispy enjoying the beach…. WITHOUT THEM.

  • C4TWOMAN

    Quick quiz: Which has a better tune…

    “My Country Tis of Thee”
    or
    “God Save the King/Queen”?
    (no, NOT the Sex Pistols one…)

    • Ghenghis McCann

      AOT,K.

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      They are the same.

      • C4TWOMAN

        DING DING!!

        Damn, that didn’t take long. We Wonkies are too informed for these things to be much fun…

        • Bub, the truculent Zombie

          As a Canadian, who heard “God Save the Queen” every morning at school until I was twelve, I had an unfair advantage over you rebellious riff raff.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            Richard O’Brien libelz.

    • Kiri the Unicorn
    • Msgr_MΩment

      No question. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.

    • OrG

      I LIKE the Pistols’ version.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Yeah, me too. I really respect the anti-establishment theme, even though I also respect the monarchy as a bit of living history.
        So,,WTF happened to Johnny who has apparently sold out to the Torries? Or at least Brexit woo?

        • OrG

          I think he still has this idea that saying stupid shit to piss people off is “punk”,or maybe he’s just a wanker. Who knows?

          • H0mer0

            [the obligatory AOT,K]
            Apparently Sid Vicious was the name of Johnny’s hamster or Guinea pig before the group started

  • Shoto

    Put on your dancin’ shoes. Mrs. Betty Bowers brings the beatz.

    https://twitter.com/BettyBowers/status/882268682134605824

    • C4TWOMAN

      Dammit, won’t play for me. Of course I’m not surprised at all Betty Bowers disapproves of Trump. He’s committed several crimes, nay felonies, against good taste, and even America’s Best Christian can’t forgive that!

      • Bub, the truculent Zombie

        Yet so many so-called Christians seem to be just fine with it.

        • C4TWOMAN

          Well, clearly they aren’t as Quality a Christian as Betty Bowers!

  • Vicki Lawrence’s Covfefe

    I was going to post a vid of Fanfare for the Common Man (not canned clam) with Copland directing. I was getting misty-eyed watching other various Copland vids. But then my husband, who already has eclipse fever, suggested something different.

    https://youtu.be/lcOxhH8N3Bo

  • Bozilingus

    To help your enjoyment of this Independence Day, a small gift from John Oliver:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cBV8KFFasY

    • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

      I fucking love John Oliver.

      • Bozilingus

        I want to see what he does with the other 4 wax Presidents. He has Nixon, should be able to make something tRump related.

        • Jamoche

          If I had a wax Nixon, I would put his head in a jar, Futurama-style.

        • ltmcdies

          I’m afraid to see what he’ll do with the other 4 wax Presidents.

    • C4TWOMAN

      John Oliver is priceless.

  • disqus_DCiinn37br

    Speaking from Britain…

    How d’you like that Independence now, huh America?

    Yeah, you may have had Brexit otherwise, but you’d not have Trump!

    • C4TWOMAN
      • CripesAmighty

        Change the date to 2020, and let’s get on with it. Right!

        • C4TWOMAN

          To the Photoshops!

      • Angry Red Bird DGAF

        Sorry but some of us weren’t ever British and would never want to be. If you know what I mean.

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      But we have freedom from the tyranny of national Healthcare and social safety net.

    • redblack

      ‘s all right. at least we don’t have the british east india co. pushing us around anymore.

      now it’s big pharma, big insurance, big telco, and big banks.

      ‘merica!

    • Pinkham’s Law

      I’m quite pleased with how our first treason worked out, but am not very happy with the direction this episode is going.

    • Maclare🌮

      Hey, y’all lucked out. You’d be the long-suffering, long-distance land lord who’d have to come over all the time and fix the shit we break.

      And we’d always be late on the rent too.

  • Kiri the Unicorn
    • Bozilingus

      I am afraid that most of America’s ‘common men’ are dressed in white sheets and carrying Confederate flags.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Most? I dunno…

    • doktorzoom

      WNYC’s ‘On the Media” had a lovely piece this weekend on Aaron Copland and his search for a distinctly “American” style of music. After the brilliance of “Fanfare for the Common Man” and “Appalachian Spring,” he was rewarded with an investigation by HUAC and getting blacklisted.

      http://www.wnyc.org/story/sound-america/

      • Phrieda Ω

        Did he testify to being Spartacus, too?

      • Royal Ugly Dude

        Also too: America!
        https://youtu.be/bXjO3hDNyIc
        Leonard Bernstein was treated rather shabbily by his government, as well.

  • Joe Beese

    This is the special set that ABC built for its Bicentennial coverage.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bb9b65eecb85c88d98c46d74fb20e230f29c97952cbf9a05bdd8f1faffde6ec1.png

    • redblack

      is that a sperry PC on the right?

  • TJ Barke
  • Joe Beese
    • OrG

      He has a girl’s name.

    • Kooolest G

      fun facts about that song:
      the guy singing is rick derringer, he also sang on “hang on sloopy” and “rock and roll hoochie coo” he also played guitar on “making love out of nothing at all” and “total eclipse of the heart” and he produced 6 weird al yankovic records
      oh and the girl singing the backup vocals was cyndi lauper

      and now you know………………………..the rest of the story

      oh and us libtard not real americans probably are more familiar with the time our boyfriend used the song at a certain correspondents dinner to make fun of a certain orange-americas

  • Daniel Hooper

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEIi3X9NCMU

    I give you the most American game ever made. Of course, it wasn’t actually made in the U.S.A., so really, it’s perfect.

  • Ryan Denniston

    OT: Donald Trump has just launched another tweet. Does this guy have anything better to do with his life?

    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/882061157900718081?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Ffeedly.com%2F

  • exinkwretch

    My daughter is in town, and last night my sister and her wife came by. I grilled some brats and awesome daughter turned out a from-scratch German chocolate cake. I am a bad person, so I ate a slab for breakfast. But I also trimmed and rubbed up a rack of ribs to toss on the pellet smoker in a couple of hours and prepped a pot of also from-scratch baked beans. Happy Independence Day, Wonketeers!

    • Suttree

      I wounded myself trying to get breakfast potato salad. So I feel like a Merkin now. I have a bunch of drumsticks marinating since yesterday though. I get to spend the holiday completely alone though, and i am happy about that.

    • TundraGrifter

      Do you use a bean pot for a pot of baked beans? I got one about a year ago but we haven’t tried it yet. I’m think Mexican – perhaps bonilla or Anasazi.

      • Royal Ugly Dude

        Would a Jeb Bush quacamole bowl work? There’s a close out sale. They are priced to move.

        • exinkwretch

          It’s Jeb! Bush, you peasant. Show some respect.

      • exinkwretch

        Yes, bean pot is a must. These bake for three freaking hours so the pot is essential for even cooking and sealing in the moisture. But they are worth the work and the wait.

        • exinkwretch

          Here’s the recipe, Wonketteers. My mom snagged it from Redbook magazine back in the 60s.

          Sandy’s Baked Beans

          1 pound navy beans
          2 yellow onions, finely chopped
          2 bay leaves
          1 tsp salt
          1/4 tsp pepper
          1 small or 1/2 large smoked ham shank (better) or hamhock. Add some diced ham if the hamhock is not very meaty. You can also use a hambone and leftover cooked ham

          SAUCE

          2 cups ketchup
          2 cups light brown sugar
          1/3 cup red wine vinegar
          2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
          1 heaping TB spoon dry mustard

          Soak the dry beans overnight. Drains and rinse beans. Put in a large cooking pot and cover with five cups water. Add onion, salt, pepper and bay leaves. Gently bring to boil and reduce to simmer for about 90 minutes or until beans are tender.

          INSTANT POT VARIATION: If you have an IP, skip the soak and but the beans, ham, bay leaves, salt and pepper in the pot. Reduce water to 4 1/2 or 5 cups. Cook on high pressure for 45 minutes or use the “Bean” button.

          When bean are tender (or IP cycle is done), drain into a clean pot to reserve the liquid. Put the bean mixture in a bean pot and cover with sauce. Add a bit of the reserved liquid if there is room and stir well. Leave some head space at the top of the pot of you will have a mess in the oven.

          Bake for 3 hours at 350 degrees. Check them after 90 minutes; stir and add some reserved liquid if they have dried out. Enjoy!

    • Jan Ness

      Well I’ve heard it said that life is short so eat dessert first. I tend to agree nothing wrong with chocolate cake for breakfast. It’s got good stuff like dairy (milk), protein (eggs), grains (flour) and the biggest food group CHOCOLATE! Enjoy!

  • Nounverb911
  • Joe Beese

    “Mitch, if you don’t give me your lunch money, I’m going to give you the wedgie of a lifetime.”

    “But I told you, Ted! I don’t have it!”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/19b45dbf91f878c8b09789055135069f89c6d73461757b613d3fe99be0aea04d.png

  • Joe Beese

    Oh, they’re very cute, they are. Keep submitting proposals until you get a CBO score you can plausibly use to con the country, the elite political press, and the mind of Susan Collins into thinking you’re “moderating” the bill. Even trim the massive tax cut a bit, full in the knowledge you can get that back when it’s time to produce a phony “tax reform” plan. Do it over what is essentially a four-day holiday weekend.

    The only variable in the calculation is the number of uninsured that will allow the big con to proceed. 20 million? 19? How many millions of American families will have to suffer so that Paul Ryan’s sommelier will be kept properly busy for the next few years? How many millions of the sick and suffering will have to become sicker and suffer more before the TV pundits and op-ed cowhands declare that Mitch McConnell’s genius has produced a “compromise”?

    http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/news/a56111/republicans-healthcare-cbo-ted-cruz/

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      realllly starting to consider defecting.

      • OrG

        If you find somewhere that will take you don’t forget to share with your fellow Wonkateers.

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          Macron invited smart americans over…maybe I can sneak in among them.

  • canes_pugnaces
    • Bozilingus

      Trigger warning, please! I almost threw-up.

      • canes_pugnaces

        Apologies… I’ll amend.

    • Angry Red Bird DGAF

      Hmmm. Subtext and coded language set to music.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Somebody linked to a great british article on this. I skimmed past the lyrics – to avoid toxic exposure – and discovered they are very brief.
      One more sign it’s all over: We start hearing this at the beginning of sporting events.
      Will avoid all opportunities to hear it.

  • Moebym Reborn

    I’ll be going to my only Republican friend’s place tonight for a Fourth of July gathering. Fingers crossed a politics discussion doesn’t come up, because another friend is also going to be there, and when the two of them get together it’s likely that he’s going to take jabs at Trump or Republicans in front of her because he can’t help himself. (They are usually cordial with each other.)

  • Nounverb911
    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Your Junior Senator from Nebraska, everyone!

    • CeeQ

      I’m endangering my child and myself! Freeeeedommmmmm!!!

      • Nounverb911

        Good thing he has Obamacare.

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      …says the politician who wrote a book about how we are raising our children wrong

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      whose lighting fireworks at 10:30 in the morning?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Repeal your fingers, replace them sometime later.

    • ltmcdies

      and that’s considered one of the brighter GOPers, is it?

  • exinkwretch

    Remember when we thought John Ashcroft was the absolute nadir of American politics? How naive we were back then.

    • Le Chapeau

      We were like little babbies.

  • CeeQ

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/ponderanew/2017/07/02/make-america-great-now-ccli-licensed-christian-worship-song/

    This is why I refuse to attend the churches in my area. The evangelical church has completely lost their way and I’m not going to join in to worship America like it’s a pre-requisite to being a Christian. Fuck. That. Shit.

    Read the lyrics of the song – no mention of
    God, no mention of Jesus. Yet it is now a worship song licensed by CCLI. Trump already trade marked the phrase “make America great again” – which means that any church that wants to pay for the use of this song, that money will ultimately go from CCLI to Trump’s pockets. That’s the best con job I’ve ever seen. Gotta hand it to the man – he knows how to fleece the gullible and the easily corrupted. Fuck him and the golden elevator he waddled out off.

    • Ezio

      It doesn’t exactly help that most Christian movies tend to go out of their way to get the audience to conflate patriotism with Christianity.

      • CeeQ

        Exactly. I *really* detest that crap.

        • Le Chapeau

          Despite what many believe, God doesn’t give a fuck about football games, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t play favorites with a country that has as many evangelical hypocrites as this one.

          • CeeQ

            Yup.

      • Angry Red Bird DGAF

        Unless it’s patriotism to the “wrong” country.

    • Kiri the Unicorn
      • Le Chapeau

        The man wasn’t stupid, that’s for sure.

    • Joe Beese

      They didn’t understand the point of the “render unto Caesar” story.

    • The Unitarians have your back. Hell, I’m an atheist and I spend the occasional Sunday with the UU’s. They are delightful folks.

      • Le Chapeau

        The Church of To Whom it May Concern. Yeah, there’s no harm in a UU.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Wow.

  • BadKitty904

    HERESY!!1! These taste like FREEDOM!

    America’s Grossest Food According to Foreigners
    http://thechive.com/2017/07/04/americas-grossest-food-according-to-foreigners-12-photos/

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      Agree with most of those, especially Wonder Bread – which is not a Wonder, nor is it bread.

      • Le Chapeau

        I ate that crap as a kid, but once I got older and discovered actual bread, I shunned it like the plague.

    • Srsly? Fresh corn on the cob is one of the best things ever…

      I could do without pop-tarts, wonder bread or processed cheese though…

      • Le Chapeau

        My cousin’s wife has German relatives and when they visited a couple of years ago they, too, were taken aback by corn on the cob. But once they tried it, they were won over, and Papa German ended up hogging most of it. And yes, the only Pop Tart worth eating is brown sugar-cinnamon, non-frosted, with butter melted on it.

        • My Dutch grandmother got me hooked in liverwurst when I was a child, but I’ve never had limburger cheese…

          • Le Chapeau

            It seems where liverwurst is involved, there always a grandparent. You’re lucky in missing the limburger experience. Grandpa told me it tasted good, but I could not get past the smell. As a teenager I worked at the local grocery store, and one day when I was stocking the dairy cases I was leaning way over one stack of stock to reach something on the other side of the hand truck and my nose ended up resting on an unopened box of limburger cheese. Man, that smell made it past the foil wrappers and the cardboard box. My head snapped back and I went “What the hell is tha ….. oh, limburger.”

    • Joe Beese

      Dr. Pepper is just cherry cola from a degree mill.

    • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

      Homemade flaky biscuits and sausage gravy are DELICIOUS!

      • Le Chapeau

        I like to poach a couple of eggs in the gravy before it goes over the biscuits.

    • Edith Prickly

      Jello is THE WORST.

      • Le Chapeau

        Bite your tongue. My uncle Jim joined the Navy in the early 1960s and ended up on the carrier Kittyhawk, which JFK used as a floating White House, but that’s a story for another time. During boot camp, probably at Great Lakes Naval Training Station, he was detailed to the breakfast cooking crew, frying eggs and other items with dozens of other cooks on a giant griddle that was about 20 yards long. About those eggs: They had been frozen during the 1950s in 50-gallon drums. Now, ten years later, they were thawed out and being cooked for breakfast. He said when you cracked a good one on the griddle it was kind of watery, but the bad ones came out green, and you would scoop it off the griddle and pitch it into one of the empty 50-gallon drums, but so many were bad that soon the drums filled up, and overflowed onto the floor, and the cooks were slipping and sliding around in green rotten eggs as they tried to work. One experience with that, and Uncle Jim decided that the only thing he was going to eat for the rest of boot camp was … Jello. It was the only substance he trusted, and he survived on it for over a month. He even liked it afterwards.

    • Le Chapeau

      When we visited Yellowstone I had about a half pound of buffalo jerky I had bought in South Dakota, and it worked very well as a snack when we were out hiking around the thermal areas and such.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Krema peanut butter. Check the ingredients list on the label. Ingredients: Peanuts.

  • Me not sure

    For some reason I remembered this old thing from the Viet Nam era by Irish/Native American singer/songwriter Patrick Sky.
    https://youtu.be/6SRj_ahkG74

  • TundraGrifter

    This is our National Birthday – and birthdays are too be celebrated! Because the alternative – not having a birthday – is a whole lot worse.

    We’re 241 years old. Let’s not let less than 6 months, recent and horrible as they have been, spoil the fun. If we do that, the Regressives have won.

    When I was a pup I often read “Living well is the best revenge.” Don’t allow the mistake made by about 60,000,000 people overshadow the wise decision made by 60,000,000 last November. Or ignore the fact there were another 80,000,000 people registered who didn’t vote – and an additional 40,000,000 who were legally able to register and vote, but didn’t do either one (according to the ACLU about half of those were not able to do so because of voter ID laws).

    Have a Happy & Safe 4th of July. Celebrate. Party. We made it this far – and we’re certainly not going to give up now!

  • Nounverb911
  • janecita

    I made Jell-O shots, because for some stupid reason I’m craving them. I’m binge watching “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency.”

  • Nounverb911
    • BadKitty904
      • Joe Beese

        I’d like to see that half-million paid for by a special income tax on people who voted for him.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        He will not SPEND half a mill on golf cart rentals. Since he’s renting them to himself, he will MAKE half a mill. WE are the ones paying for it.

    • Moebym Reborn

      But Obama played too much golf!!! 1!1!!1!1

      • suziq

        Maybe trump was just mad because Obama never played golf at his clubs so he wasn’t making any money off it??

  • canes_pugnaces
    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      It’s like trying to catch a fart in a butterfly net.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Parsing Trumpy requires extra spatial dimensions.

  • BadKitty904

    A reminder of what We the People can accomplish if we set our hearts and minds on a goal.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/291a537a79bfe56593e89d1170febcdb336111fafd83632870ac4daae90fae04.jpg

    HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY, WONKETTEERS!!!

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      But it’s pretty much been downhill from there. It’s like, OK, we went to the moon, motherfuckers. We’re done.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I really wish that more people had seen that as something bigger than just showing up the Russkies.

      • BadKitty904

        That was/is the most provincial, biased view of this accomplishment. It’s purpose was crystal clear and, in written form, still rests on the lunar surface:

        HERE MEN FROM THE PLANET EARTH FIRST SET FOOT UPON THE MOON, JULY 1969 AD. WE CAME IN PEACE FOR ALL MANKIND.

        Not “HERE MEN FROM THE REPUBLICAN PARTY“, not “WE CAME IN PEACE FOR ALL AMERICANS“.

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          It’s quite a vision. We are hampered by those with small minds.

          • BadKitty904

            True, that. But as long as we remember that – and remember that WE are the majority – we can rise above them.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Beautiful home planet photobombs the shot. What a show-off.

      • BadKitty904

        Mighty pretty, though.

  • H0mer0

    I must say how the likeness of Barstool with her long silky hair on the Wasillabilly Bayeux tapestry is enchanting (Bible Spice’s shoes still look like penises with square nutsacks. Also too, her horizontal trajectory is not believable) sn/

  • Fartknocker

    I’m celebrating by making Freedom Fries with Carne Guisada because nothing says America like a derivative of the Poutine.

  • ltmcdies

    Hey there, Wonketeers…Happy B Day, eh.

    I know some of yah aren’t feeling it quite the same this year as last but there is awesomeness below the 49th parallel….

    this great place

    https://twitter.com/GrandCanyonNPS/status/882085300284948480

    this guy
    https://twitter.com/neiltyson/status/881972456432345089

    this writer

    https://twitter.com/StephenKing/status/880928594817687552

    the favorite place in America I visited

    https://twitter.com/LCnlaska/status/882033782206877700

    American food

    https://twitter.com/nytimes/status/881932565950717957

    this American family

    https://twitter.com/NerdyWonka/status/880212821249798144

    and last but not least…you guys…have a great day.

    https://twitter.com/Wonkette

    • William

      Not fat, just a little Husky

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Hawaii is not in America. It’s just an island in the Pacific, remember?

      • ltmcdies

        That reminds me … did Trumps investigators ever return or were they offered up to the molten lava gods just cuz?

        • suziq

          Still there waiting for the check to do the investigating.

    • CripesAmighty

      Too bad that, with the exception of messrs. Tyson and King, it’s all gonna be sold and repackaged in a portfolio to be traded as derivatives at Morgan Stanley.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      It’s a beautiful world, and I’m proud of our share of it.

    • Persistent Demme

      Thanks for the wonderful pictures!

      Btw: we need a side shot of Molly, the Corgi.
      It’s a delicate balance, and you have to err on the side of caution.
      That breed gains weight easily, and those little legs and long back can’t handle it.
      (Sorry to be so serious. For some reason, I’m having trouble celebrating July 4th this year.)

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Don’t forget that today is also the celebration of watching people stuff tubed meat and bread into their mouths as fast as possible. The results are in from Coney Island, and here are your Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest winners:

    Women’s Division: Miki Sudo (41 dogs and buns in 10 minutes)
    Men’s Division: Joey Chestnut (72 dogs and buns in 10 minutes) – this is Joey’s 10th title as the Hot Dog Eating champ

  • Sophia
    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Bollard cozies!

  • canes_pugnaces
    • William
      • miss_grundy

        Yep, he will be seeing his boyfriend next weekend at the G-20 meeting. Perhaps they will canoodle in a corner while Angela Merkel and her pals move the world’s agenda forward.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          If he doesn’t show up with those two Russian compounds Obama pulled out from under Putin, Donnie’s gonna get the cold shoulder.

          • miss_grundy

            Mr. “Art of the Deal” already gave the two compounds back without getting anything in return. All I expect him to do is to perform fellatio on Putin and for Angela Merkel and the rest of the grown-ups to conduct real business at this meeting.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Choleric, dyspeptic, and septic.

    • Marion in Savannah

      He must be completely devoid of self-respect to go out looking like that.

    • BadKitty904

      He’s waiting to catch a fly with his tongue, right?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Jesus! He’s got his name on his shirt!

      • Eileen Besse

        Holy Everything. I mean…if he got lost, yeah….

  • OneYieldRegular

    Oh dear unholy god what fresh horror is this? I mean, this is not the Grunion Boils, Florida High School Gymnasium, but the f*cking Kennedy Center:

    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/882186896285282304

    • Joe Beese

      I prefer presidents who don’t get assassinated.

      • TJ Barke

        I prefer presidents that aren’t grotesque garbage homunculi.

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          Garbage golems, perhaps?

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      What immediately came to mind:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6zClMZ6vi0

      • William

        I don’t know why, but there are two pieces of music I must listen to every week. One is the Weight, by the band and the other is this. Also my favorite movie soundtrack, with The High and the Mighty a distant second.

        https://youtu.be/mf61q1DFtSk

      • Gregory Brown

        It worked for Charlie Sheen.

    • CripesAmighty

      That is, simply, the most insipid, vapid, vacuous, mawkish dreck, ever. A joint production of Leni Riefenstahl and Lawrence Welk. ‘Banality of evil’, indeed.

    • Gregory Brown

      I am so happy that I did not eat breakfast yet. Because I would have spewed it all over my monitor.

    • Jenny

      Say you know who else had patriotic anthems created from propaganda?

      • Lance Thrustwell

        The fellow who lives behind the 7-11 on my street?

        • Jenny

          7-11 hobos are always master lyricists.

      • TJ Barke

        Aot,k?

    • miss_grundy

      Says the guy who sold his country for money…….

    • ltmcdies

      Are you fucking kidding.

  • Ezio

    Celebrating July 4th is fine and all, but I swear some people out there act like they WANT state sanctioned patriotism. When I was a kid in Elementary School, we used to have to say the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. One day, there was a boy who wasn’t really saying it but was rather just standing around during the pledge. After the pledge was over, the teacher came up to him and forced him to repeat the pledge by himself in front of the entire class. What’s worse was the teacher’s tone. “Don’t you think that was disrespectful to our flag? Why don’t you repeat the pledge all for us”? He said.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      We don’t need no “education”…

      Actually, strike that. I’d say you got the education you needed that day.

  • TJ Barke
  • Nounverb911
  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    Why does the Fourth of July Google Doodle look more like a Christmas manger scene? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0eef1e34b60a1c9edbcd75933b9a00552f5f8668b3f9b93c09a078fbb22c3ea7.png

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I’m putting the ribs on soon, and agonizing a bit about the ideal ratio of time in-foil to exposed on the grill. Any advice?

    • OutOfOrbit

      You picked a hell of a day to ‘speriment.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        It’s always an experiment! Generally successful, actually. Last time I think I left ’em in the foil a tad too long. Tender is good, but I couldn’t finish them properly or they would have fallen through the grill. I’m thinking 2 & 1/2 in, 1& 1/2 on.

        • OutOfOrbit

          Burn first, then bake in foil.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Hm. Perhaps so!

          • OutOfOrbit

            You been doing it wrong!

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I’d leave ’em in the foil for the most part. Go low and slow, and keep the moisture in.

    • marxalot

      Sear those suckers first, then bag em up in the foil.

  • Joe Beese

    Emily Ratajkowski, asking the important questions:

    There’s this thing that happens to me. “Oh, she’s too sexy.” It’s like an anti-woman thing, that people don’t want to work with me because my boobs are too big. What’s wrong with boobs?

    http://www.harpersbazaar.com.au/fashion/emily-ratajkowski-harpers-bazaar-australia-cover-august-2017-13583

    • Jenny

      A model willing to show her tits can’t get work? Honey, the problem ain’t the tits.

      • Joe Beese

        Based on the available evidence, I also consider Emily Ratajkowski’s breasts problem-free.

        • Jenny

          They don’t look that big…she’s borderline itty bitty titty committee.

          • Joe Beese
          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            ah, they look totally different in the harper’s picture. (But they’re still not “big”, just about perfect I’d say).

          • OutOfOrbit

            When her face gets age wrinkles she can take her bra off & stretch’em out.

          • Jenny

            That is certainly small for Hollywood.

          • H0mer0

            thanks guys for looking that up for me. They look fine to me although looks like she can hold a pencil or two underneath.

          • H0mer0

            itty bitty titty libelz!

      • OutOfOrbit

        You mean she needs a tood adjustment.

        • Jenny

          Yup. There’s a million hot chicks in Hollywood. Attitudes only work for big time money makers.

          • OutOfOrbit

            I have heard that even the big-timers can miss out ‘cuz of a bad tude.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Marlon Brando rarely had work, for that very reason.

          • marxalot

            Also, his boobs? Not great.

    • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

      Them boobs on her ain’t big. I don’t know what she’s talking about.

    • Kooolest G

      that’s what’s known as a humble brag

    • puredog

      Customarily accessorized with a humblebra.

    • Fartknocker

      Yeah she’s cute but can she make me a sammich and the cakes we like, because that’s really what we want.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I presume she’s not talking about modeling jobs.

  • Jenny

    Bless the Sarahs of the world.

  • Gregory Brown

    Corn dogs are the bane of politicians at county fairs, and the delight of newspaper photographers everywhere. Nothing spices up the daily rag like a big photo of your favorite or unfavorite politician going down on a corn dog.

    • Joe Beese

      Maybe if we didn’t force politicians to humiliate themselves with photo ops, they wouldn’t seek revenge by taking away our health care.

    • suziq

      But really, is there not another food-like item that politicians can eat at a county fair to avoid the corn dog photo? I would think there would be something, though I have not been to a county fair in quite some time so I do not remember what else there is. Though it does seem like there is lots of food booths. They can’t ALL be corn dogs!
      Mmmm, now I want a corn dog but I sure like hell am not going to mix up batter and deep fry those suckers.

      • Most of it is food on sticks, so it amounts to the same thing. They probably pick the corn dog because it’s one of the more easily identifiable foods on a stick.

    • canes_pugnaces

      Me thinks the lady is either gagging, or not in practice; and the man, well the man knows how to treat a corn dog.

  • BadKitty904

    Before we cut along to the family bbq, I wanted to be extry-sure this was posted on here somewheres today:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRUjr8EVgBg

  • TJ Barke
  • miss_grundy

    Why do Republicans always wear patriotism like a cheap suit that they throw into the garbage?????

    • TJ Barke

      Because that’s enough to fool the stupid rubes into thinking they’re just like them.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Just that. The whole idea of patriotism has been cheapened and debased. I once had a winger bitch at me about Obama never wearing a flag lapel pin, like that’s what makes a proper American.

      • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

        They glorify symbols at the expense of substance.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          If they paid attention to substance they might have to <shudder> actually do something for their country.

      • OrG

        Obama DID wear the fucking flag pin.

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          Of course he did. In his official photo. I was quick to point this out to the wingnut. One of the easiest arguments I’ve ever won.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Right side up, too.

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    Please baby, just the tip, as shown by the couple at the top.
    On the sidecar, US went through hell but not as much as the French and British, so the American is technically unqualified to be LT Sidecar. Definitely earned a few rounds though.
    Thank you so much for the advice on proper enjoyment of those brownies. The tapestry is excellent, but I think I will leave that part to the experts.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • TJ Barke

      This is because the right wing noise machine tells them they should feel disempowered.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Their preachers, also too.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          But you repeat yourself.

    • jesterpunk

      So unless they have full control of everything they wont be happy?

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        they got all that AND both houses of congress, and most state leges – they won’t be satisified until they have total control. Then let the infighting begin.

        • jesterpunk

          They still arnt happy with that because they cant agree on anything even among themselves.They keep blaming Democrats for their failures even though they are intentionally doing things so Democrats have no say in anything.

      • TJ Barke

        Them not being allowed to oppress others is the real oppression!

        • OrG

          No oppression! No oppression! You’re the oppression!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Anything the blahs or poorz get, disempowers them by definition.

    • Subrok

      They same way so-called Christianists feel oppressed.

    • jesterpunk
    • mfp, Unmerikun InGlisch sogood

      yeah….fuck these people…they should be mocked and marginalised relentlessly

    • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

      The real problem isn’t East Coast elites who don’t understand or care about rural America. The real problem is that rural Americans don’t understand the causes of their own situations and fears and they have shown no interest in finding out. They don’t want to know why they feel the way they do or why they are struggling because they don’t want to admit it is in large part because of the choices they’ve made and the horrible things they’ve allowed themselves to believe.

      http://www.alternet.org/election-2016/rural-america-understanding-isnt-problem

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Right. But the Manhattan rich kids at the Times are going to send their promising young up-from-the-dirt (Harvard, upper middle class, from Ohio) roving reporters out and Get Their Story.

        I will never forget the article they published about young Samuel Alito, son of the proleteriat, risen so high… Alito’s mom had a doctorate (together his folks had five degrees) and ran a school district near where his dad was in charge of facilities management for NJ state government. It’s astonishing he managed to get into Princeton.

  • Joe Beese

    Crank up your memeographs!

    President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin will sit down for an official bilateral meeting on the sidelines of the G20 summit in Hamburg on Friday rather than an informal pull-aside meeting. …

    The bilateral meeting format — one that typically includes a handshake and brief public remarks exchanged between the two leaders — will make the first meeting between the two leaders a more public-facing encounter, sending signals to the world that the US and Russia are eager to get on better diplomatic footing.

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/04/politics/trump-putin-bilateral/index.html

    • OutOfOrbit

      They can’t be trusted alone–that’s the problem.

    • Bozilingus

      Who wins the handshake?

      • jesterpunk

        Putin

        • eggs ackly-wright

          With his polonium ring.

          • OutOfOrbit

            That would be nice.

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      Putin will give Donnie the transfer number to his new secret account in the Cayman Islands. Donnie will roll over for Vlad some more.

      #MAGA!

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Lemme guess, the only press allowed in will be RT and Sputnik.

  • DainBramage

    Science Break:

    On July 10/11, 2017, the Juno spacecraft will once again dip down over Jupiter’s cloud tops, screaming past the planet at over 200,000 kilometers per hour. It’s done this before, six times in fact, but this one will be different: It’ll pass directly over the Great Red Spot.

    http://www.syfy.com/syfywire/get-ready-to-see-jupiters-great-red-spot-up-close-and-personal

    • Joe Beese
      • OutOfOrbit

        And it’s been there for a very long time.

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          Define long….

          • Lizzietish81

            At least 500 years.

          • Toomush_Inferesistance

            So just a wink…

          • Lizzietish81

            In terms of space yes, in terms as weather as we are familiar with, it’s a long ass time.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Since we’ve had telescopes that could see it… so ~350 years at least. Unlikely that it just appeared one day in 1665, but it’s guesswork beyond that date.

      • OutOfOrbit

        “Gas Giant”. Does that mean there’s nothing solid inside?

        • Joe Beese

          Jupiter is thought to consist of a dense core with a mixture of elements, a surrounding layer of liquid metallic hydrogen with some helium, and an outer layer predominantly of molecular hydrogen. Beyond this basic outline, there is still considerable uncertainty.

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jupiter#Internal_structure

          • OutOfOrbit

            Humm. Thx. But that spot!

          • Komsumverweigerer Ron

            Metallic hydrogen. That’s what I want my next car to be made of.

          • Lizzietish81

            Metallic liquid hydrogen

        • DainBramage

          This is one of the questions that Juno is supposed to sort out, but so far the data has been inconclusive.

          • OutOfOrbit

            Thx!

        • tomamitai

          It has a core of beans and onions.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            The assteroid belt is the shattered remains of a planet that got too close.

          • Lizzietish81

            Actually there isn’t enough material to make a planet, it’s more likely a planet that never formed

          • OutOfOrbit

            Oh good grief!

        • Le Chapeau

          It’s possible there’s a rocky core, but some hold that the gases become liquid the further down you go, until you reach of core of frozen, metallic hydrogen.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        aka The Portal.

      • Lizzietish81

        That settles it, gonna sit down and watch 2010

    • Me not sure

      …and be sucked in and eaten by the monster that lives there.

  • Snopes Shop
    • jesterpunk

      How many articles did they do with liberals to see how they feel with Trump and republican control of all 3 branches of federal government?

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        ‘Who cares what <shudders> Hillary voters think?’

      • Then you’ll love to hear this fiddler play the world’s tiniest violin.

        https://mobile.twitter.com/sjdemas/status/881920388489502721

        • jesterpunk

          I dont remember any other paper interviewing supporters of the current president to get their feelings for any other president. They didnt interview Obama supporters in 2009 and 2013 but somehow Trump supporters are fragile snowflakes that cry if they dont get their way all the time even when they dont know what they want.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    Ashcroft’s Mighty Soaring Eagle is so jellis now he just sits on a rock and pouts. Which ain’t easy with a beak and all like that…

    http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/reviews/donald-trump-make-america-great-again-song-single-review-a7822561.html

    • Yr. Gma

      Sigh. Remember when John Ashcroft was our biggest national embarrassment?

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    North Korea launched their biggest missile yet and as I read about it, I produced my biggest deuce in 60+ years.

    • Me not sure

      And where’s YOUR celebratory military parade? Life ain’t fair I tells ya!

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Say what you like, Li’l Kim understands symbolism.

  • baconzgood

    Happy fourth. Now it’s time to go over to my friend’s, eat under cooked meat, get drunk, and watch his brother blow off his pinky finger with a cherry bomb.

    • grindstone

      ‘murica.

      • baconzgood

        And these are my educated friends.

        • Le Chapeau

          Three more days.

          • baconzgood

            Yes. I’m getting excited

          • Le Chapeau

            You need to buy her her own fedora. She looks smashing in yours.

    • OutOfOrbit

      I wish I had a cherry bomb.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        You have to look the salesman right in the face and say: “I want what’s under the counter.”….

      • Doug Langley

        They’re better than peach bombs. Those are the pits.

        • OutOfOrbit

          Awww man…that is pathetic.

          • Doug Langley

            You should know better than hand a straight line to a Wonketeer.

      • Le Chapeau

        I wish I had an M-80

        • OutOfOrbit

          and a Silver Salute to boot!

          • Le Chapeau

            Oh yeah, those bring back fond, loud memories.

  • The Green Bastard

    Has this already been posted?

    https://youtu.be/Rr8ljRgcJNM

    Coca-Cola, Wonderbra!

  • Me not sure

    In apology for the Patrick Sky number below, here’s a more traditional fourth of July number.
    https://youtu.be/4N3iVHxP8FQ

  • Joe Beese
    • ltmcdies

      Precursor to “IT”???

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Tim Curry libelz.

        I remember reading somewhere that he couldn’t look at himself in a mirror when wearing the Pennywise makeup.

        • Ms.Moon

          Saw that when I was young and impressionable to this day I still look in storm drains to make sure that there are no clowns lurking.

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      I’ve never been able to understand why people think clowns are creepy. I’ll check that out.

      *Afterwards*

      OH MY GOD! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

    • “And Sugar RIce Kringles” floats on milk! We all float down here, nyuk nyuk!”

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      krikey!…

    • lowenufc

      “Hey, you know what else Krinkles? Skin after you’ve been lock in a basement for two years….”
      Don’t know why, but I know that is what he said next.

    • Doug Langley

      To think that somewhere there was an ad agency exec thinking, “Gosh, how can I do a cereal commercial that’s new and appealing?”

    • Le Chapeau

      I was born right in that wheelhouse, but I have no memory of either Rice Krinkles or that horrifying clown. Maybe that’s what I’ve been repressing in therapy all these years.

    • ice try. But the creepiest commercials are always the douche ads.
      https://youtu.be/O8OPxZvCAuw

      Bonus points for the patented “Michele Bachmann Crazy-eyes.”

  • Jennifer R

    My understanding is that a sidecar is when you go to a shitty state like Utah or SC and they can’t pour you a full drink, you get the extra in a shot glass to the side. A sidecar.

    • marxalot

      That’s a “back,” as in “Coke, whiskey back.” Or occasionally a “rail,” though I think I’ve seen “an extra shot of tequila or rum to go with the mixing machine drink” described as a “sidecar” by places with laminated drinks menus.

      • Jennifer R

        Then Dave Attell and Lewis Black have lied to me!

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        One of the good lines from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. HST is somewhere and there’s a drunk guy gambling. So drunk he can barely stand.
        GUY (ordering): A J&B!
        WAITRESS: “A J&B with a coffee back.”
        GUY: “A J&B WITH A J&B BACK!”

        • Le Chapeau

          I wish HST were with us today, to see the fulfillment of his prophecy: “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            I do too – I wrote a obit when he died for a small paper, and got mad at my colleagues at my other job for joking about his death.

    • Yr. Gma

      That makes total sense.

      • Jennifer R

        I remember seeing on the news when I was a little kid, Some story about how in SC they had a law requiring mixed drinks be made from mini bottles, and you had to toss out the excess in the bottle after each drink. Club and bar owners were talking about how it was the cause of drinks in SC costing so much. Strange what things I actually remember.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Yeah, I was in SC with a friend who ordered a Rusty Nail, and they couldn’t serve it because of the stupid liquor laws.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Happy 4th Everyone!
    Pot works well in home cooked chili as well. And Oysters “Rock a Fella” if you grind it fine enough.

    Let The Eagle Soar!

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      No thanks, those brownies already give me the widgets. Chili? I can just imagine the Gas Bubbles of Inspiration….

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        And bubbles of expiration!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I went to a Fourth party a few years back that featured chocolate cheesecake with pot.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Hey! Just got back from the Dem float in the parade. If those little bastards have teeth left by the time they grow up, it’s not my fault. How those kids develop those hangdog looks while holding an already full bag of candy is beyond thinking. Anyway, I did my best for the Future Diabeetus Yokels of America. I passed one fat, short haired 12 year old who was shouting “Trump! Trump! Trump!” at us. “Here! ” I said. “Have a membership pamphlet!” He was so surprised at the no-candy gambit, he told me “Thank you.”….

  • marxalot

    It’s my birthday! For breakfast I made a steak so rare it is more properly beef sashimi, and now I propose to spend the rest of the day futzing about and eating cupcakes.

  • 3FingerPete

    My 96 year old mother was about to put store brand lite mayonnaise in her otherwise excellent potato salad. I literally dived in front of the bowl to take that bullet.

    • exinkwretch

      I’m a recent convert to Costco (Kirkland Signature) mayonnaise. Outstanding and inexpensive. Beats the hell out of Best Foods (or Hellman’s, if you’re cursed with living east of the Mississippi).

      • TJ Barke

        Thou shalt not blaspheme against Best Foods Mayo!

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        You may have saved my life. Maui has no decent mayonaise. Best Foods is the worst foods, and I was gonna have to resort to having a friend mail me Duke’s. I’ll give the Kirkland’s a try.

        • puredog

          If you have a blender, homemade is RULLY easy and mmm-good.

      • 3FingerPete

        I like Hellman’s. Of the brands available at my local market it is by far the best. My brother, on the other hand, is of the opinion all mayonnaise is the same and hence Miracle Whip is just the same as Hellman’s or any other brand.

        • Le Chapeau

          Kraft Mayo is pretty good. Hellman’s isn’t bad, but Miracle Whip sucks the big one.

          • SadDemInTex

            Miracle Whip has mustard in it. Sad’s Spousal Unit is anaphylactically allergic to mustard. So Mircale Whip is not only awful, it is dangerous.

        • The Librarian

          That’s sacrilege. And a group of us agreed it will Never Be the Same.

        • Maggielle

          I grew up knowing only Miracle Whip. Oh the strange but delightful experience of tasting actual mayonnaise for the first time. Also my first taste of butter instead of margarine: I thought it tasted weird at first. And red leaf lettuce: it’s not iceberg lettuce that’s starting to rot! It’s actual lettucey lettuce!

    • Yr. Gma

      I salute you. It’s a sin to ruin good potato salad.

    • Jennifer R

      While I fat and calorie count I let myself have full fat sour cream. Life is too short for light sour cream.

      • 3FingerPete

        To me lite sour cream tastes like ground chalk slurry

      • Le Chapeau

        Full fat sour cream is going right on top of my bowl of gazpacho in about five minutes.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Somebody did a study that said people couldn’t tell the difference between fat and fat-free foods. Obviously, they didn’t include fat-free cream cheese in the study.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      The Nation thanks you for your sacrifice.

      • 3FingerPete

        Avenge me!

    • Doug Langley

      I can’t wait to hear you explain to ER how you have a jar of Miracle Whip embedded in your rib cage.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      There is only Blue Plate mayo from New Orleans. And it doesn’t need refrigeration. Unless made from scratch all other Mayo is a sacrilege.

      Also too don’t forget that Bernardo de Gálvez (Spanish Governor of Louisiana) marched his force of Spanish troops, Cajuns, Creoles, Free Men of Color, Islenos, Choctaws, and Irish through the swamps from New Orleans to the new British Fort of Baton Rouge. The surrender of Baton Rouge crippled the British campaigns in the West during the Revolution, and closed off the Mississippi.
      Gálvez later captured the British fort at Mobile, forcing the British to move troops from the Colonies to Florida and the Caribean to protect their trade routes.
      Oh, and some Cajuns repelled an attempted amphibious assault by the British just outside Evangiline, LA in 1777 just for fun.

      Just a reminder that not everyone who fought to establish this great country was rich, or White. Or spoke English.

      • SadDemInTex

        I knew a family in California who never refrigerated their mayo.

    • Le Chapeau

      When I worked in a banquet hall I made potato salad 20 pounds at a time. Would never have used Miracle Whip or any “lite” mayo.

    • Shibusa

      You showed amayonnaising courage, 3FP.

    • Alex Grey

      Potato salad should only be made with freshly made mayo. Seriously it isn’t that difficult to whisk oil into egg yolks, (as long you aren’t 96,) and it makes a huge difference in how it turns out.

  • Jenny

    I think I’m going to paint my bathroom today.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      With all the food being cooked sounds like a lot of us are going to be painting our bowls today

  • Bub, the truculent Zombie

    Donnie’s next executive order will decree that the “Make America Great Again” hymn will replace “The Star Spangled Banner” as the U.S. national anthem. Just as soon as he nails down the copyright, of course.

    #MAGA!

    • TJ Barke

      Grotesque.

    • Jennifer R

      I look forward to a future leftie president talking about actually making america great again.

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        Because by that time we’ll actually need it…

    • jesterpunk
      • Joe Beese

        When Cash gave you the finger, you knew he meant it.

    • CripesAmighty

      Get ready: “2018 Kennedy Center Honors: Ted Nugent and Larry The Cable Guy.”

    • Donnie’s next executive order will decree that the “Make America Great Again” hymn will replace “The Star Spangled Banner” as the U.S. national anthem.

      Well good luck to Donny, but after “Horse with No Name”, I don’t know if that’s possible.

      Wait, why are you all looking at me like that?

  • Joe Beese

    We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved

    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/jUi-JeKwfqA/maxresdefault.jpg

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Fine, whatevs. Call us when it doesn’t work out.
      – the State of Great Britain

      • Raan

        Liz, can we move back in? – 48% of voters

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          ‘Okay, you can bunk with Charles while we get you sorted out. You still drive on the wrong side of the road, correct?’

  • LiPao
  • Kiri the Unicorn
    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Hello, Leslie!

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    It’s Fireworks Day, and here’s some fireworks music. English music, composed by a German immigrant, and played by a French orchestra. What could be more American than that?

    The trumpets are standing with one hand on their hip, horns are “bells up”, the conductor is A Sight To Behold, and the drummers are rockin’ the joint.
    I love this performance.

    https://youtu.be/fNqJ8mED1VE

    • Nounverb911

      Some wild and crazy horns there.

    • bobbert

      Who needs valves?

  • Bub, the truculent Zombie
  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    Ha! I am AT THIS VERY MINUTE enjoying corn dogs, with a drizzle of yellow mustard and A&W root beer! Take that, America!

  • OrG

    Quote of the day: Put all politicians on minimum wage and see how fast it rises.

    • Oh my god. That reminds me of my favorite troll argument I’ve read about this issue (reminiscent of the infamous “witch hunt” tweet that Lauren Duca delightfully mocked)

      https://mobile.twitter.com/Husker8675309/status/880824746828496896

      A good one to file under “Sense, Makes no” huh?

      Also it’s been a while since I had any fancified book learnin’. Are they NOT teach how “inflation” works in Econ classes nowadays. Because people who read to these thing seem to have a hard time grasping the concept.

  • Kiri the Unicorn
  • jesterpunk

    Pharma bro takes personal responsibility for his actions.

    http://www.cnbc.com/2017/07/04/martin-shkrelis-lawyer-objects-to-gag-order-blames-media-baiting.html

    Martin Shkreli’s defense attorney objected to a prosecution request
    that the “pharma bro” be gagged during his ongoing securities fraud
    trial, and blamed reporters for baiting his emotionally fragile client
    into publicly blasting prosecutors, witnesses and the press.

    Shkreli’s “comments are clearly not designed” to affect the “integrity of the judicial process,” of the trial in Brooklyn, New York, federal court, wrote his lawyer, Benjamin
    Brafman, to Judge Kiyo Matsumoto on Monday night.

    “Rather his comments are the somewhat natural, though unfortunate, consequence of a young man with a demonstrated history of significant anxiety being at the center of a
    supremely difficult time in his life,” Brafman wrote.

    Brafman also said, “In fairness to Mr. Shkreli, the Court should be aware that certain representatives of the press have gone out of their way to try to ‘bait’ Mr. Shkreli into making public statements that we all have worked very hard to avoid.”

    • OrG

      Um…yeah…fuck you,and your client.

    • mancityRed6

      sounds like someone else I know.

    • Kooolest G

      to be fair this poor pharma bro guy must be exhausted, he has to show up to trial everyday and force himself not to smirk the whole time, then he has to go meet with mitch mcconnell every night to write his stupid health care bill for him. talk about a supremely difficult time in his life

    • Doug Langley

      If he has a fit, you must acquit!

    • Raan

      God, I wish [REDACTED PER COMMENTING GUIDELINES] until the handle breaks off and he has to get a doctor to pull it back out.

      • jesterpunk

        Sorry the Doctor isnt available right now, he is washing his hair. Nope there are no available doctors, they are all washing their hair at the same time and its going to take a long time for them to finish. Call back in 8 years.

        • JCfromNC

          “Oh, just put a little spit on it and walk it off, you snowflake.”

    • TJ Barke

      I hope he fucking goes to jail for-fucking-ever.

      • Raan

        General population, too, none of that protected population Shit.

        • TJ Barke

          “What’re you in for?”
          “I jacked up pharmaceutical prices %5000”
          “You’re a fucking monster…”

          • jesterpunk

            He is on trial for lying to investors who where perfectly happy with him jacking up prices. The one investor is mad because he said her dad was investing when he wasnt. She is stupid too because she never thought to call him to confirm that before giving him money.

          • TJ Barke

            Oh, so that’s the problem, he lied to the money grubbers. Lie to the public, rip off the government, no big deal. Lie to investors, though? You’re shit outta luck.

          • jesterpunk

            Well yeah, he is a rich white guy so they only care if he hurts other rich people.

          • Ωbjectifier

            See Madoff, Bernard.

  • mancityRed6

    alright kids, I’m back from my beer run
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1207ac7ecdd985cb6be7904ec73e448da982ee07a37271f34b3143572770fc13.jpg
    the heavy rain is over and now it’s sprinkling just enough to keep the humidity in the 100% range,

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      ABV 10.5%.

      Oh, fuck me…

      • mancityRed6

        I couldn’t find a bottle of the trippel.
        aw, well, it’s just as good.

      • mancityRed6

        and since I don’t have a stopper for a wine bottle, I’m just gonna be forced to drink the whole thing.
        woe is me.

        • Joe Beese

          A man must do what he must do.

          • mancityRed6

            I’ll power through it.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            Steady on, lad.

          • Joe Beese

            Courage!

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          The one to have when you’re only having one…

        • William

          You’re welcome. https://youtu.be/NX-6nI6HFxU

          • mancityRed6

            now, if I drink wine, it’s usually out of a box and into a coffee cup because that’s how I roll.
            and $20? hell, that’s money better spent on more liquor right there.
            I just don’t see how an attachment is going to stop the shame decent people* might feel about drinking straight from the bottle.

            *I said decent people, not me.

          • proudgrampa

            I like your style!

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Whoa is me!

      • Joe Beese

        I like beer that doesn’t fuck around.

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          Most of what I make is six or seven percent, which is quite enough for me!

      • proudgrampa
    • Incoming Ham

      I won’t even go outside. Congrats your fortitude.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyCPhIjmk-s

  • Yr. Gma

    Gpa put the flag out. Who says a liberal can’t be patriotic? (Well, I know who.)

    • Raan

      Everyone who ever has or ever will appear on Fox News?

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Well just had dinner. Buffalo wings, Ceasar Salad and Gaarlic bread and now time for beer. So much for my 4th of July. Have fun everyone!

  • Raan
    • Doug Langley

      And a happy Guy Fawkes day to you too.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Listen, about the Oregon Treaty of 1846… Can we talk about that?

    • Three Finger Salute
  • William
    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      no, no, no no, NO NO!”

    • mancityRed6

      yeah, no.
      I’ve definitely eaten more hot dogs than any human should in their lifetime, but…no.

    • Shanzgood 4 Days

      Where’s the sauerkraut?

    • Edith Prickly

      No green Jello? Weak!

    • Doug Langley

      So that yellow bit is mustard, right?

  • Bozilingus
  • lowenufc

    Back when the Swedes celebrated our country better than we did, or whatever:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjY4Wj_-Zec

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    Happy Fourth of July, ha ha we’re fucked. Here is our country today in graph form:
    https://twitter.com/axios/status/882214397757857792

    • TJ Barke

      It’s almost like republicans are fucking stupid…

      • Raan

        Yeah, it’s like they fucked with education budgets fifty years ago to appease racists or something.

    • jaspersdad

      Republicans are a boring cult. Nothing more.

    • The Green Bastard

      What’s so astonishing abt that?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      5% of Democrats didn’t understand the question.

      • Raan

        Those are the ones who responded “Are you fucking kidding me?”

      • m3bosha

        I would like to assume they were really, really stoned and hit the wrong button on their phone.

    • Khavrinen

      As far as I’m concerned, that’s sort of like asking “Which would you rather step on, a land mine or dog poop?”

      The fact that one is really awful doesn’t mean the other is particularly good.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      What’s the ‘astonishing’ part?

  • Lucas Foxx

    For the last few years, everyones’ brilliant ideas have involved me working on July 4th. And here I am again. It’s not a hallucination. I’m not high. Next year, I’m baking brownies for them.

  • Bozilingus
    • Bozilingus

      I should have put a trigger warning for this, my apologies to anyone this may offend or harm.

      • JCfromNC

        Wow. That was… disturbing. Good. But really disturbing.

    • ServantToTheStars

      This is the Red Dawn I can get behind.

    • Persistent Demme

      Too much Trump.
      I can’t.

    • canes_pugnaces

      Fake Pussy Riot.

  • proudgrampa
  • TJ Barke
  • Bozilingus

    BAD HOMBRES, NASTY WOMEN (ft. “Weird Al” Yankovic)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdBF6h7oH5I

  • Joe Beese

    At a rally and parade in the border town of McAllen, Texas on Independence Day, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) clashed with a group of protesters who booed, heckled, and attempted to question him about his support for a bill that would repeal the Affordable Care Act. …

    “I will say you have a right to speak, and I will always defend your right,” he said, according to the Texas Tribune. He ended his speech, however, with a dig at the protesters, calling them “our friends who are so energized today that they believe that yelling is a wonderful thing to do.” When later asked by a reporter about the demonstrators, he dismissed them as a “small group of people on the left who right now are very angry.”

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/dc/ted-cruz-july-4-protest-health-care

  • The Green Bastard

    I might need recipes for housecat. Starla is a string-chewing fucker. It’s not even a matter of catching her & taking them away- they’re destroyed in seconds on her lil Razor Teeth of Utter Destruction.

    Got ahold of my favorite dress for a moment today. Thanks, asshole cat. Hope you enjoyed it.

    • mancityRed6

      I’m partial to squirt bottles, myself. if you can catch them in the act.

      • The Green Bastard

        Sprayers errywhere, but never where you need one!

        • TJ Barke

          Hang it on your pocket.

          • The Green Bastard

            I wear an apron for house/yard work. Totally gonna start carrying it w me.

        • mancityRed6

          Karl has gotten better. I usually just leave it hanging on the headboard for when he gets a wild hair in the middle of the night.

        • Jamoche

          Water gun and a holster.

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        I always made a sharp hissing sound when I squirted them so eventually I no longer needed the squirt gun, the hiss would suffice.

    • Joe Beese
      • The Green Bastard

        She does that too. Lighters n pill bottles all over the floor all the time.

        • Shanzgood 4 Days

          I used to think my cat was doing that with everything in the bathroom, getting up on the counters to knock everything off onto the floor or into the sink. Since I don’t have that cat any more, I’ve realized it must be my son doing it.

      • janecita

        That cat is my spirit animal. That’s me when I’m PMSing.

    • janecita

      Get a dog.

      • The Green Bastard

        I would but I decided I didn’t wanna clean up poops anymore after my kids were toilet trained.
        ;)

        • Shanzgood 4 Days

          Right there with ya!

        • janecita

          That’s true, we have a lot of land, so I send mine deep in the woods, so I don’t have to pick it up.

          • The Green Bastard

            That’s the way to do it! When I have land, I will have dogs, oh yes.

          • Notreelyhelping

            My folks lived in the country and, at one point, had five dogs. They all bonded with my mom, and you’d see her little pack trailing as she did chores around the property. Pretty awesome.

      • OrG

        Ha! When my cat is misbehaving my dog will bark at him. I tell him”Good job Deputy Dawg.”

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          My dog did this to my boyfriend’s cats when they climbed on the table. Bella knows that she is not allowed on the table, so why are cats allowed?

          • Komsumverweigerer Ron

            Fair’s fair, after all.

    • mancityRed6

      http://www.catdancer.com/product/test-toy/
      both of my cats love this.

      • The Green Bastard

        She loves feathers & has a stuffed monkey she carries around in her mouth. I’ll have to add one of these too. Psycho adolescent weirdo puss has much energy!

  • TJ Barke
    • jesterpunk

      Good album, they are awesome live too.

  • Panika MCD

    managed to stay away from the news yesterday, but I had to post this on the brief and I figured it would be helpful for everyone else to learn what I learned the other day:

    remember the other day when I was all, “oooo! I just covered a hearing by the Texas Department of Housing and Community Affairs (aka the TX counterpart to HUD) and it was FASCINATING!”

    it was. turns out that in most states you can’t build affordable housing complexes–whether they are P3s or Section 8s–in areas where there are “undesirable neighborhood characteristics”. this is because they would very much like people lifting themselves out of poverty so they don’t have to rely on government subsidized housing FOREVER. when there are bad schools or a high crime rate, that makes things a bit more difficult to do. so they have come up with things that bar the development of affordable housing in such areas which include places with a 40% poverty rate, an average of more than 18 violent crimes per 1000 residents, multiple vacant structures or schools with a bad track record on their Met Standard ratings.

    other things that bar development: not being withing half a mile of public transportation, not being within half a mile of a public park, not being within half a mile of a library and not having other outdoor activities or cultural enrichment opportunities.

    it would seem that this would require a lot of those things to be built in majority white neighborhoods that are just going to get over the fact that the people moving into the area are going to need to get over their icky feelings about people with melanin.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Governor Wheels hasn’t gutted those rules yet?

      • mancityRed6

        at least it wasn’t Ironside

      • Panika MCD

        we’re a weak governor state.

        • OrG

          In more ways than one.

        • puredog

          I thought Texas was a weak legislature state?

          • Panika MCD

            nope. we’re a weak governor state.

    • SayItWithWookies

      So they’re only allowed to build affordable housing in places where it would be unaffordable to the tenants? That’s a clever way to make sure no advantages go to those undeserving poor people.

      • Panika MCD

        no, the housing has to be available and priced to be affordable to low income tenants in areas they would otherwise not be able to afford. this is a good thing.

  • Bub, the truculent Zombie
    • The Green Bastard

      Make it two & stuff em up his lil piggy snout.

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    Got yer “great amerika” anthem right here, thanks Pandora:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaIIgUIfMFU

  • Incoming Ham

    Found this randomly on an acquaintances FB Page on Memorial Day:

    The Poppy:

    2 oz Dark Rum
    1 oz Lemon Juice
    1/2-1 oz of ginger liqueur (depending on your taste)

    Pour over ice and stir.

    Tried it. Excellent in hot weather.

    • Shanzgood 4 Days

      That sounds interesting. And nap-inducing.

      • Me not sure

        I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who gets nappy after an afternoon cocktail.

    • Holly

      Where’s the Myers and what’s a good ginger liqueur?

      • Incoming Ham

        I would use Goslings and Canton Liqueur.

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    Just saw Wonder Woman. I could watch the Amazons all day, the rest of it not so much. Got to sit through previews of a bunch of movies with barely any women in them so not sure what to look forward to next. Guess I should get back to my novel.

    https://media.tenor.com/images/5e03b767418b02e6407740d48de3e7aa/tenor.gif

    • Three Finger Salute

      Isn’t her name Diana? So the movie is about Princess Diana saving the world from men like Trump. How could anyone not get on board with that?

    • Joe Beese
    • Joe Beese

      Mrs. Beese is allergic to superheroes, so I went by myself. When I got back, I was like, “So the Amazons brace their shields on their backs and Antiope uses it as a ramp to jump 20 feet in the air and she twists in slow motion with three arrows in her bow and then she shoots them and each one hits a German soldier and it was so cool!”

    • Joe Beese

      And yes, we’re fools, but we’re also useful for getting things off high shelves.

    • Jamoche

      I went the first week. Got “Atomic Blonde” back to back with that thing ScarJo is in because they keep not making Black Widow, despite the presence of things like Atomic Blonde. So, net preview awesomeness tipping slightly negative.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      The previews were the worst part of going to see Wonder Woman because it is not a genre I generally enjoy and there was so much dark, loud explody shit for what, 20-25 minutes?

    • GoT for me. and as we all know, GoT is all about the women.

      (actually, all kidding aside, i think – hope- the ladies are going to kick some ass this season.).

  • jesterpunk
  • mancityRed6

    all that gloating has come back to haunt me.
    I just heard firecrackers.
    but, it did sound like it came from the nearby industrial area, and not the apartment.

  • Shoto
  • Nounverb911
    • Shanzgood 4 Days

      FAAAACK!!!

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      Not many people know this, but pumpkin spice is an important part of the war on Christmas.

      • Jamoche

        The spice must flow.

    • jesterpunk

      Pumpkin Spice?Bannon did say he hasnt been on TeeVee because he got fat, is that his new nickname?

      http://17r1l63fshd52dy9yakdizhkog.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Sean-Spicer-645×370.jpg

      • The Green Bastard

        The least popular/talented of the Girls.

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      This year it will be “Trumpkin Spice.” You don’t want to know what it tastes like.

      • Shanzgood 4 Days

        Your are a terrible person and now I have to go brush my teeth.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I am SO OVER Pumpkin spice anything.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    “I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated, by succeeding Generations, as the great anniversary Festival. It ought to be commemorated, as the Day of Deliverance by solemn Acts of Devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shews, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more.”

    So who’s telling John Adams a bunch of tight ass morons in the “succeeding Generations” pretty much fuked the whole thing up?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bb3a50e3193421aaeb51c3f736145808bff1cb5f67e2138dd03426c33773b05b.gif

    • Phrieda Ω

      On our stage, a really big shew, said Ed Sullivan.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      “Tight ass” is the big problem there. Also, “drunken idiot” too.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Needz moar looob.

    • mancityRed6

      the perils of drinking made real.

    • Notreelyhelping

      Remember, kids: chili and fireworks don’t mix.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Apply directly to forehead. Apply directly to forehead.

    • Canis Greyhame

      Just couldn’t suppress the clenching reflex. Well they’re gonna miss their Obamacare next year, when they can’t afford all the medical bills after showing up in the ER for third-degree buttcrack burns.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I like the one where the guy puts the rocket in his fly and waggles it around like a dick before it really starts and probably burns his junk.

  • Three Finger Salute

    No, we do not want to hear John Ashcroft’s “Let the Eagle Soar.” How about a song with a similar title, about coming from afar to seek opportunity and the inscription on the Statue of Liberty instead?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cv-0mmVnxPA

    Not that Trump or Chris Crispy care about that inscription. It was written by a woman — and a leftist woman, at that. Seems Lady Liberty is on the wrong side of the territorial waters now, sadly. Too late for her to move to Lake Ontario?

    • redblack

      whew. for a second there i thought you were going to invoke “(they’re coming to) america” by neil diamond.

  • Bub, the truculent Zombie
  • janecita

    I don’t get how Venus Williams, can just kill a person and not even get a fucking traffic ticket!

    • jesterpunk

      Benefits of being rich and famous?

      • janecita

        And she is competing in Wimbledon, crying her crocodile tears, while some old lady is mourning her husband.

        • jesterpunk

          So she feels bad, well thats good that is enough punishment for her or something. But really hate how the justice system is completely different when you have money.

        • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

          Maybe the wife hated his stinky, old guts and is looking forward to her very nice paycheck she will get because she was lucky enough to have the old fart knocked off by a rich person.

    • Phrieda Ω

      He was 78 years old, he died two weeks later, it was a traffic mishap, she wasn’t on a cell phone and her toxicology came back clean. Sometimes an accident is just and accident. Florida is not particularly generous to blahs, famous or not.

      • Three Finger Salute

        What about Caitlyn Jenner?

        • OrdinaryJoe

          No drugs, no alcohol, no cell phone. Wrongful death suit pending.

      • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

        I read a few accounts which indicate that Venus failed to yield the right of way. She tried to clear the intersection after getting stuck with traffic when the light changed, without checking for cross traffic. It seems to me that the driver of the other car wasn’t paying as close attention to what was going on in the intersection as she should have. The lawyers will battle it out.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    My contribution. Great fixings for a shandy that goes well with standing at the grill making the hot dogs and hamburgers.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6b9afeeae3347f550d57eec7c28993cc3949663cab4714c5835af860ce98a580.jpg

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Can hardly go wrong mixing Lemonata with booze.

  • jesterpunk
  • Nounverb911
    • Joe Beese

      Gotta love Perlman.

      The only actor ever typecast as “not Homo Sapiens”.

      • Jamoche

        Zoe Saldana is giving him a run for his money.

    • mancityRed6

      that is a man I consider handsome
      and he’s been in some awesome movies.

      • redblack

        desperation was my favorite perlman movie.

        tak!

        • mancityRed6

          I’ve only ever read the book. I’ll have to see if I can find it.

          • redblack

            i think it was made for teevee. it also stars tom skerrit and steven weber (who isn’t completely douchey for once.)

            perlman plays collie entragian, and he’s definitely worth the effort.

          • mancityRed6

            I honestly can’t imagine anyone else playing that role.
            $3 on Amazon. I might have to do a short subscription to the prime…again.

      • Suttree

        The City of Lost Children

    • They’re just giving voice to every dumb Republican who doesn’t know _____________.

      It’s almost like they’re ignoring _____________, because if they even acknowledged _____________, it would destroy their whole House-of-Cards ideology built on lies, racism and bigoted stereotypes.

  • Nounverb911
    • crisptickle

      whaaa?? What’s he smoking?

  • That picture leads me to believe there’s a float somewhere tossing corn dogs and beads into the crowd.
    http://cdn3.meme.am/cache/instances/folder666/500x/78286666/beached-whale-christie-my-private-beach-i-call-it-freedumb-beach.jpg

    • Reximus

      and THAT’s how you do CamelToe in Joisey

  • Nounverb911
  • Swampay

    Peach pie with bourbon and ginger. Fuck yeah.

    ETA: I macerated the peaches in the bourbon and fresh ginger, with some brown sugar for extra sweetness. You may wish to macerate yourself with the bourbon, possibly mixed with a nice ginger beer. Don’t use cheap canada dry etc ginger ale, get some good Reed’s extra ginger or some Cock and Bull, or maybe Bundaberg.

    ETA: Cook the juice from the peaches with 3 tbs of cornstarch and a little lemon and butter to add to the pie. Save out a bit of juice to make whipped cream with (will need more sugar).

    ETA: if you don’t know how to make a pie crust, I can’t help you here, except: 3 parts flour, 2 parts butter, 1 part water (by weight). 3:2:1. There ya go

  • Three Finger Salute
  • mancityRed6

    I’m guessing these went out of style when the glue started failing
    http://www.plaidstallions.com/images/fm/tiledmirrors.jpg
    which is sad, really. I like the one on the left.
    almost as cool as those giant pictures you use as wallpaper.
    http://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/17YAAOSwmLlX-hXs/s-l300.jpg

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie
      • mancityRed6

        there is absolutely nothing about that room that inspires me to do anything but piss all over it.

        • Bub, the truculent Zombie

          You have the right idea, but I believe I’d go with #2.

          • Three Finger Salute

            whynotboth.jpg

        • theCryptofishist

          Maybe the individual crystals from the chandelier could be repurposed into something cool.

      • Suttree

        I wonder how many cans of Krylon it took to paint this horseshit.

      • louis xiv would consider it excessive.

      • btwbfdimho
    • Suttree

      I would totally build the one on the left out of iron.

    • Jamoche

      I remember those! IIRC, the glue started failing about 5 minutes after you put it up.

      • theCryptofishist

        But he might start a disastrous war.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I have black trees on my living room and bedroom walls. Brings just a little of the outdoors into my apartment. Also cattails and reeds growing up from the baseboards in the entry hall and wrapped around to the living room. Really cool effect I think. But none of those are on a single big sheet. If you remember Colorforms, they’re kind of like that. Peel off the pieces and arrange them on the wall.

      • Shanzgood 4 Days

        My daughter has some in her room. Some sort of Japanese-styled tree.

      • mancityRed6

        the ex did something like that with a giant dandelion and blowing seeds in the bedroom. I might look into it. these plain white walls are getting on my nerves.

        • Courser_Resistance

          I’ve seen that one! Very nice. You might try Art.com. I got some of my stuff there.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    I made Kenji Lopez’s fried chicken, Germanish potato salad (husband refuses to eat anything with mayo in it) and a quick cucumber vinaigrette for dinner tonight. Not too shabby for a non-holiday midweek celebration in communist France. Oh, and frosé slushies for the apero, because it’s hot here.

    Happy US birthday day, my homies.

    • mancityRed6

      there are two competing chicken places in south east Kansas, one makes potato salad with mustard, the other with mayonnaise. both started by the daughters of the original place.

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        I wonder if they have to alternate bringing the potato salad at family gatherings. And also if there are family gatherings.

        • Suttree

          It’s hard to distance yourself. Also too yay vinegar bbq. http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/04/24/americas-most-political-food

          • Martini Ambassador 🍸

            Interesting story, thanks for the link. Seems especially appropriate for a long read on the 4th.

        • mancityRed6

          oh, I’m certain the daughters are long gone now.
          the funny thing is that my dad’s family always liked the German potato salad one (chicken Annie’s), and my mom’s family preferred the other (chicken Mary’s), even though they’re right next door to each other.

    • Suttree

      I am still eating German potato salad. At some point I will get around to cooking my drumsticks.

    • welp. frose slushies are now on my bucket list.

    • TheFamilyThalamusPersists

      That chicken recipe sounds delish- I’m lazyish, though, so I just do this: https://food52.com/recipes/58557-judy-hesser-s-oven-fried-chicken

      Fantastic, easy, and the skin is like a chicken potato chip!

  • Bub, the truculent Zombie
  • Ezio
    • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

      Well, call me Cookie!

      • Courser_Resistance

        You can call me Milk. I’m pretty pale!

      • BeachBum

        Cookie ! Cookie ! You’re the Cookie !

  • rosenbomb

    Found this gem in our CC&Rs yesterday. For those who can’t read the text, it says, “No persons of any race other than white shall use or occupy any building or any lot, except that this covenant shall not prevent occupancy by domestic servants of a different race domiciled with an owner or tenant.”

    I wish I could say I’m surprised this hasn’t been changed, but I’m not. We have to keep fighting to do better. Happy 4th y’all.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ffc02169fb7a99a7b5e681dd8189b7b5a7ec910f3ea58651a4d57bd2a2677992.jpg

    • The Wanderer

      That’s slightly illegal, isn’t it?

      • rosenbomb

        I thought so…? I have a feeling they haven’t updated the docs or something. My partner purchased the house last year, so it’s not like the copy has been sitting in a drawer for 30 years.

        • theCryptofishist

          Really? You could get away with that shit 30 years ago? That’s depressing.

          • Komsumverweigerer Ron

            Idaho, so…

          • theCryptofishist

            *sigh*

      • Shanzgood 4 Days

        It’s unenforceable. I’ve seen contracts with all kinds of clauses that are against local or state laws but the language is still there. It’s not illegal for it to be in the contract, just illegal to try to enforce it.

        Something like that. IANAL.

        • OutOfOrbit

          Is it starting to tingle?

          • Shanzgood 4 Days

            OMG I never actually tried to read that!

    • mancityRed6

      it’ll come down to the old “but we don’t enforce it” argument, and after a lawyer or two contacts them, then comes the “but we’ll change it as soon as we can”

  • Me not sure
  • Suttree

    The bayeux tapestry is missing Bristol peeing on the tarmac.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    This is not exactly edible but it is the only recording of John Philip Sousa’s voice and, and the only electrical recording of Sousa leading any of the various ensembles that could be described as one of his bands.

    Keen ears will notice that the arrangement is quite different from what we usually hear, especially in the trio.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykXbv6Hml18

    • BeachBum

      Thanks. I grew up listening to Sousa. Now I drink his tequila too !

    • Bozilingus

      Be kind to your web-footed friends…

    • Three Finger Salute

      “This is not exactly edible but it is the only recording of John Philip Sousa’s voice

      I think you mean audible. Unless the spellcheck algorithm has synesthesia, and thinks the music tastes like a corn dog. 😉

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Well, if music be the food of love, it still isn’t edible, even if I drink it in and could eat it with a spoon. (Just my way of excusing an off-topic non-comment.)

  • Bozilingus

    Parody – Make America Great Again – Up & Down Theatre
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2b3mkipd3U

  • Courser_Resistance

    I feel fabulously effective. I spent the morning at a Search and Rescue exercise. Basically, an evidence search in the morning sun. Now I can feel righteous sitting in my cool apartment.

    • OutOfOrbit

      I washed dishes.

      • Shanzgood 4 Days

        I’m cleaning out my refrigerator.

        Technically, I’m sitting on my porch letting soapy water soak the spilled Fanta goo off the bottom of the fridge but whatever.

        • OutOfOrbit

          4 days, and four knights(?)

          • Shanzgood 3 Days

            Three days now!

        • BeachBum

          I hate when shit spills on the bottom. I always debate can I stand the smell of what ever it is until it dries up and flakes off. Or bite the bullet and clean it.

        • Courser_Resistance

          Oi, thanks for the reminder. Chicken goo leaked into my refrigerator shelf. I wiped most of it up and just put a dishtowel down but I need to scrub the shelf.

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        I fed my cats and watched a movie.

        • OutOfOrbit

          ‘ow many cats you got?

          • Resistance Fighter Astraea

            Two of them. They’re the best :)

          • OutOfOrbit

            I have never had a cat but I’ve lived with quite a few. Only one did I truly like.

  • BeachBum

    Recipe for Emoluments
    1. Rinse off excess slime and pat dry with blood money. Or paper towels. Set aside.
    2. Heat grease from GOP palms in skillet. If you don’t know enough Republicans, can use pork belly fat or lard. Or vegetable oil but not the good stuff. Add crushed garlic clove and 12 capers. Twelve ! Salt and pepper. Add 1/2 bottle of cheapest beer from Wal Mart. Drink rest of bottle with nostalgia to “good ole college days.”
    3. Dip in White Flour on both sides. White Only. Do not add any spice or anything ! As it was written, so it shall pass. Or something, not really sure.
    4. Fry in skillet both sides 1 1/2 to 2 min each.
    5. Plate and pour homemade White Sauce over top. White. If you are a RINO or just lazy, (I’m not judging) can brush with melted butter and lemon juice.
    6. Taste is not as important as you might think, cause by now you have had 3 or 4 of nostalgia beers and are looking up old college palls on the Facemakerachine.
    Next Week: The Best Recipe for Jackalopes.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It sounds repulsive already but I suggest adding canned clams for the authentic coup de gras [sic.]

      • Me not sure
        • theCryptofishist

          “In Clam Juice” That doesn’t sound scary.

          • Me not sure

            Just how does one juice a clam?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Serve it beer after beer?

          • BeachBum

            PEDs. Just ask for Vasily.

          • theCryptofishist

            You buy the juicer off teevee.

          • Me not sure

            The Ronco Clam-O-Matic!
            “Just set it and forget it!”

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        You m…ahh fuck it.

        • puredog

          This day stands for Americans’ freedom to eat canned clams.

  • tehbaddr

    “mmmrfffghhhlll” here hold my beer, I’ve strapped a bunch of model rocket engines (explosives) to one of my longboards! Gonna see how fast I can go down the biggest hill I can find!

    Disclaimer: I have never had a corn dog!

  • mancityRed6

    http://www.plaidstallions.com/images/fm/tvtrays.jpg
    I guess since you’re gonna use them every night, you don’t really have a chance to put them away so might as well make ’em look good for when company comes over.

    • tehbaddr

      Why don’t I have a bunch of these!?

      • mancityRed6

        trust me, I’m as disappointed in you as I am in me.

    • Shanzgood 4 Days

      It took me a while to figure out what those were.

  • Jamoche

    These are not the penguins you’re looking for:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/103216dacde8b317c0687b8a82e1bfdfbe7b4fa51cb7b10f132bdf12f1c7c413.png
    Google AI has a confuse.

  • ltmcdies

    making America great…a shot from the C train…
    https://twitter.com/rachmacknight/status/881598786069573633

  • DerrickWildcat

    If you guys are wondering, I’m starting to see some articles on how the celebrities are celebrating the 4th. Just ask if you need links to them.

    • theCryptofishist

      Depends on the celebrity, I suppose.

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      Susan Sarandon is grilling her own farts, I hear.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Yup. She spends the rest of the year harvesting and fermenting her farts.

        I read that on the ‘nets.

        • Ms.MLG on Maui

          They’re organic, gluten free, and pure. So very, very pure.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            Paint peelin’ pure.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.

    • DerrickWildcat

      Millie Cyrus is spending her 4th dancing around.

    • Three Finger Salute

      I found one and I iz a littel confuzzled

      http://ew.com/news/2017/07/04/stars-july-fourth-2017-photos/

      Why are Canadians Margaret Atwood and William Shatner celebrating? Don’t they know this is the day when America finally broke off from Britain to hatch out a mad-scientist experiment that… would make Canada look good by comparison.

      Oh, I see now. The Commonwealth has plenty to celebrate. A divorce!

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      I am trying to imagine some concatenation of circumstances that would REQUIRE me to need links to such things, but for the life of me I cannot. Thanks anyway.

  • Bozilingus
    • theCryptofishist

      nice

    • RobKanC

      I am assuming you are talking about those single blah women who get pregnant a lot so they can get the government dole.

      • Three Finger Salute

        Or those sinful sodomites who get AIDS from barbed-wire wedding rings. They don’t need healthcare. They need to call on Jesus and pray the gay away. And to make sure that Jesus ain’t too sexy for their prayers!

    • Panika MCD

      see, now if he had just started with “they’re trying to ram the BCRA down our throats!” he may have gotten somewhere. typical Southern Hemisphere education…

  • Notreelyhelping

    Start with two shots of absinthe, and…. Well, it’s pretty pointless to add anything after that, but a little sugar and water works nice. Club soda works for a tall drink.

    Happy Digital Microsurgery Day, America! Have a blast! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/70d28679797ca07e06d4ead34fce2f6a2f3a5883912e2ad7b7de0d5110d87320.jpg

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      You know what they say, absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

    • Panika MCD

      I thought masturbation did that…?

      • Notreelyhelping

        No, that’s the blind ward in the next wing.

        • Panika MCD

          what causes hairy hands that your family members mistake for lycanthropism and cut off to stop the spread?

          • Notreelyhelping

            What? What do you mean? Quit looking at my hands.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    I’m gonna watch a summer classic today. It’s a story about an American town on 4th of July. The town is being terrorized by a hungry monster who devours a young lady, a small child, a man in a boat, some dude’s roast and, worst of all, a dog. That nasty monster selfishly fucks things up so that no one gets to enjoy the ocean on July 4th, except the monster himself! Rude! I’m glad nothing like this happens in real life.

    • BeachBum

      Unpossible !

    • Charlie Foxtrot

      You’re gonna need a bigger bridge.

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie
      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        IT’S BEHIND YOU, SHERIFF! TURN AROUND!

        • Bub, the truculent Zombie

          It’s a beautiful day to be on the beach. Did you bring the sammiches?

          • Ms.MLG on Maui

            Of course! I had Jonny make up a bunch.

          • Bub, the truculent Zombie

            What a cuck. :-)

          • Ms.MLG on Maui

            We went to the beach yesterday. Decided against going today, because it will be so crowded. We’re gonna grill some burgers later, and I’m fixing pasta salad, baked beans, brownies and lemonade with our very own lemons. We’ll hunker down tonight to keep the dogs calm with all the noise.

          • Bub, the truculent Zombie

            Nice. Have a great day. Happy Fourth!

      • Bozilingus

        You’re gonna need a bigger beach.

      • Shanzgood 4 Days

        We’re gonna need a bigger beach.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        You’re gonna need a bigger governor.

        • Bub, the truculent Zombie

          A bigger governor than Christie would require clearance lights and a beeping reverse alarm, per NHTSA regulations.

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    Everyone hates her, why won’t she just go away?

    https://twitter.com/ABC/status/881875196193366018

    • RobKanC

      At least we know the one we elected instead of her did not commit any treasonous ac… oh..

    • Le Chapeau

      Just look at all those fraudulent voters!

      • Snopes Shop

        Why she’s MURDERING people, right there on camera!!!!!

    • OutOfOrbit

      I donut hate her, nor do I care wut she does..

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        Snark Lurker???

        • OutOfOrbit

          uh. um-ah. uh-hum. shush. yu r teh furst

          • Ms.MLG on Maui

            I would know “donut” anywhere. Jonny and I now say it in conversation.

          • OutOfOrbit

            Donut tell, mk?

          • Ms.MLG on Maui

            Gotcha

          • OutOfOrbit

            Snark Lurker persona non-gratiss till farther notice
            ; ) <3

  • tehbaddr
    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Looks fun. Kinda.

      • tehbaddr

        Once you get used to it , yeah!

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Is that Groucho Marx in that picture? Under that hood thing?

          • tehbaddr

            There is nothing funny about the apparatus, this is some serious science!

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            Okay then, it’s Gene Shalit under there. Got it!

    • mancityRed6

      I don’t go to that fancy of a salon.

    • Notreelyhelping

      I LOVE NITROUS OXIDE!!

      • tehbaddr

        From my understanding, that’s one component of the proprietary “gas mix”!

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Speaking of my world famous chili recipe…

      • OutOfOrbit

        Would you plz stop giggling so loud.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I’ve never seen hotboxing done *quite* like that. Is the guy behind the desk gauging levels of Stoned-ness?

      • tehbaddr

        He’s just kinda observing, the device loads the data to a thumb drive, or so I was told.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Actually, it loads the data onto punch cards.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Well, it does look a prototype of the Stoned-O-Meter there.

    • Me not sure

      Sssooo..just exactly what does that treat, if I may be so bold as to ask? ‘Cause I want to avoid getting it.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      That can’t be science, nobody’s wearing a lab coat.

      • lowenufc

        That can’t be science, there are no Republicans denouncing it.

        • theCryptofishist

          I think they invented it. Vacuum the gay away, or something.

        • tehbaddr

          Cause they like this kind of science, it has Military value!

      • tehbaddr

        As a known Scientist, I can tell you my Name, Degree, and Department embroidered lab coats spent most the time on a hook, or hanger.

  • Me not sure

    It’s overcast and rainy here. This may be my best shot at fireworks.
    https://youtu.be/Fz1ex78QeQI

    • Bub, the truculent Zombie

      You evil bastard

    • mancityRed6

      why did I have my speakers on?

      • Me not sure

        The visuals alone aren’t horrid enough?

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Of course you know, this means war.

    • Three Finger Salute
    • RobespierreHoo

      Perhaps the most execrable song from a decade of execrable songs

  • Bebecca

    We always take the dogs downtown for the 4th of July festivities but it has been raining since about 9 am. We decided to b in ge watch Genius on N at Geo (for those who don’t know It’s a multi part series about Einstein directed by Ron Howard).

    • Three Finger Salute

      Make sure they’re not in the vicinity of the fireworks. Doggies get scared of loud kabooms.

      • theCryptofishist

        I hear that some people are making boomless fireworks, so as to not distress pets and people with PTSD.

        • Three Finger Salute

          Good news. Surprised that this is a thing in America. You’d think they’d just be told to plug their ears, suck it up and stop expecting everyone else to cater to their insignificant little snowflake demands. (Yes, even the dogs.)

          Maybe we’re getting better. Maybe. Just a tad.

      • Bebecca

        We go during the day because one of them hates the booms. We have a thunder vest for him that only marginally works so hides behind the bed.

  • Nounverb911
  • Jim Gormley

    And…we need to thank Rick Perry for exposing his obvious(only) talent.

  • mancityRed6