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Is Donald Trump under investigation? Of course! Everybody knows special counsel Robert Mueller is investigating Trump for obstruction of justice, both for firing FBI Director James Comey and for calling on others to interfere with Comey’s investigation into collusion between Trump and Russia. Trump tweeted last week that he’s being investigated.The Washington Post reported on Trump’s birthday that he’s being investigated. Case closed, go to jail until natural human death, right?

ON THE CONTRARY! Trump’s smart lawyer Jay Sekulow, who is mostly a religious right wingnut lawyer, went on “Meet The Press” and told Chuck Todd that NUH UH SHUT UP, Trump is not under investigation:

He’s not afraid of the investigation. There IS no investigation. I wanna be clear here. […] There is not an investigation of the president of the United States. Period.

THE SAME DAY, Sekulow told Chris Wallace on Fox News that MAYBE the president is under investigation, because after all, it’s not like he can read Robert Mueller’s mind. The point is Trump wasn’t ADMITTING to being investigated, he was just commenting on the FAKE LEAKS he heard in the ENEMY MEDIA, which is ALWAYS WRONG.

This is obviously a coordinated talking point, albeit a stupid one, because Kellyanne Conway said the same thing Monday morning on Fox News:

“He’s saying that nobody has ever notified the president that he’s under investigation,” Conway told Fox News’s “Fox & Friends” host Ainsley Earhardt. “That’s the president responding to a Washington Post report that included five anonymous sources. And that’s the president, in his 140 characters, through his significant social media platform, Ainsley, telling everybody, ‘wow, look at the irony here.’”

Sekulow also has been repeating the thing about how many Twitter followers Trump has. These fucknuggets are literally reading from a script.

So anyway, the point is that Donald Trump is not under investigation, except for how The Washington Post says he is, but they are just ANONYMOUS LIARS, and anyway if the president is under investigation, which he probably is, it’s a witch hunt and a “fake story.” (No really, Sekulow said “fake story” on CNN’s “State Of The Union” on Sunday.)

All clear? Good! Because Politico reports that Donald Trump might fuck up the Department of Justice line of succession, in order to obstruct justice in the investigation that does not exist. We learned last week that Trump wants to fire Robert Mueller, but to accomplish that, he’d have to order Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein to do it, because Attorney General Jeff Sessions is all recused and shit. Rosenstein would most likely (fingers crossed) tell Trump to fuck off and resign, so the next in line would be a Trump appointee named Rachel Brand. She would also (hopefully) tell Trump to fuck off.

That’s when things get murky, because of an executive order Trump signed, and because Trump hasn’t staffed the fucking DOJ:

Since taking office, the Trump administration has twice rewritten an executive order that outlines the order of succession at the Justice Department — once after President Donald Trump fired acting Attorney General Sally Yates for refusing to defend his travel ban, and then again two months later. The executive order outlines a list of who would be elevated to the position of acting attorney general if the person up the food chain recuses himself, resigns, gets fired or is no longer in a position to serve. […]

Typically, the solicitor general would be next in line after the associate attorney general, followed by [a] list of five assistant U.S. attorneys, the order of which would be determined by the attorney general. But none of those individuals have been confirmed by the Senate, and they would be unable to serve as acting attorney general without Senate confirmation.

Because of that, the executive order comes into play — one that puts next in line after Brand the U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia, Dana Boente.

As Politico notes, Boente was an Obama appointee, and he was number two in command for a minute, just after Trump fired acting attorney general Sally Yates for being mean to his Muslim ban, and also for bothering the White House about how then-national security adviser Michael Flynn is a literal actual foreign agent. Interestingly, the Eastern District of Virginia has been impaneling grand juries and issuing buttloads of subpoenas in the Trump-Russia investigation. Also, weirdly, just before he quit being president, Barack Obama suddenly took Boente OUT of the DOJ line of succession, only to have Trump stick him right back in with the executive order in question.

So would Boente actually do Trump’s bidding, assuming Rod Rosenstein and Rachel Brand told him to pound sand? Or did Obama play a joke on Trump and remove Boente as a head fake, because he knew Trump would reverse literally anything Obama did out of spite?

We don’t know! We also don’t know why we’re even talking about this, because after all, Trump’s lawyer and Kellyanne Conway say Trump ain’t under investigation anyhow.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Politico notes that, because of the Saturday Night Massacre during Watergate, most DOJ officials would be unlikely to play the role of Robert Bork, who as solicitor general fired special prosecutor Archibald Cox on Richard Nixon’s command. Apparently Watergate is on Trump’s mind too:

The president, who friends said does not enjoy living in Washington and is strained by the demanding hours of the job, is motivated to carry on because he “doesn’t want to go down in history as a guy who tried and failed,” said the adviser. “He doesn’t want to be the second president in history to resign.”

Awwww, come on, Trump. Why stay in a job you suck at and that you really hate? Just go home, you fuckin’ loser. It’s not like you’re under investigation or anything.

OR ARE YOU?

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[Washington Post / Politico / More Politico]

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  • Joe Beese

    Donald Trump: Master of Irony

    • vivian

      Donald Trump: Master of Unintentional Irony, maybe?

      • jesterpunk

        I hear he is also a master debater too.

    • OneYieldRegular

      He’s always raining on his own wedding day(s).

      • Gayer Than Thou

        He’s certainly like a black fly in your Chardonnay.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “I put irony in everything but my buildings. Those…may be held up by rubber bands.”
      — Donald Trump

    • aureolaborealis

      That was my least-favorite Metallica album.

    • ken_kukec

      Master of Irony … baiter of Ironists.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Trump failed when he was elected.

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      Trump failed when Fred ejaculated.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        This comment may have been the end of my sex life.

        • Predisenting Ron

          Well, you did say a while back you weren’t using it anyway.

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      And is strictly following that tradition

  • jesterpunk

    Kellyanne Conjob last week you said dont pay attention to Trump’s twitting now you say we should? Make up your damn mind.

    • Joe Beese

      We have always been at war with Eastasia.

  • TJ Barke

    Make America a joke again. Too late.

  • memzilla Ω

    It’s like Drumpf is playing Russian Roulette on the deck chairs of the Titanic.

  • Joe Beese

    I could swear that Politico piece had an earlier version in which someone observed that anyone who pulls the trigger on Mueller for Trump would have “partisan hack” engraved on their career (and perhaps literal) tombstone – and that partisan hacks are usually attracted to different agencies than the DOJ.

  • memzilla Ω

    Make Attorneys Get Attorneys! #MAGA

  • GoutMachine

    Trump “doesn’t want to go down in history as a guy who tried and failed.”

    Dude, that ship has sailed. Bigly.

  • Mpeg

    “This is not an investigation of the President of the United States. Period.”

    Do these twats even bother crossing their fingers behind their backs anymore when manufacturing this sh!tstream of denial?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    He’s not afraid of the investigation. There IS no investigation.

    He’s not afraid of what does not exist? Well, I’m convinced!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/baae234eef8439761688067bd36e75ed28ece958e8e26ddf96bea5dc207c3543.jpg

  • Nounverb911

    This might be sort of appropriate.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bY-zmJ1VCQI

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Sekulow making the rounds of Sunday morning news shows…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbd4t-ua-WQ

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    there was a tweet a few days ago that had all the literal RNC talking points about this stuff (maybe after Sessions testimony?) – i wish I had saved it, it was kinda funny.

    What was the best (by which I mean the worst) was the section detailing how it was actually Lynch who obstructed justice in the Hillary emailz (!!1!!) case.

  • Skeptical_thinker

    I think Trump will find a janitor who can be bribed convinced to fire Mueller.

    • Mpeg

      Maybe he can get his event-planner Housing Czarina to do it? It’s not like she’s got that much of a learning curve with her own new job or anything that she couldn’t take just a moment and fulfill the deed~

  • elviouslyqueer

    he knew Trump would reverse literally anything Obama did out of spite?

    This is LITERALLY Chump’s entire fucking playbook right here. He cannot stand playing second fiddle to Head Black Man What Was Actually and For Truly In Charge.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      And people actually liked more. That’s what really eats at him.

      • cmd resistor

        Even though his approval numbers are “higher” than Obama’s. Who even talks about shit like that?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Don “The Donald” Trump wants to replace the second in command at the Department of Justice with the Secondigliano in command.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Fire the lot of ’em and appoint Jared. He’ll fire Mueller. Problem solved.
    If Jared’s too busy – or maybe it’s a Saturday – maybe there’s another party planner, or a Trump favorite caterer, or golf caddy. Could be anybody; he sure doesn’t give a fuck.

  • Juan de Fuca

    And that’s the president, in his 140 characters, through his significant social media platform[…]

    That’s going to get him impeached.

    • TundraGrifter

      That’s 140 characters from a fellow who has none.

      • OneYieldRegular

        He has more characters than “Sybil.”

  • TundraGrifter

    Who is paying Mr. Sucknewlow for his work as Mr. Trump’s attorney? He is, in my opinion, vastly overpaid as the head of the “non-profit” that appears to be nothing more than another right wing scam.

    • Meccalopolis

      ooh! can I play?

      Mr. Fuckyoublow

      Mr Fuckyounow

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    news (we won’t know if its good or bad news till the opinion is delivered):

    Washington (CNN)The Supreme Court will take up the most important gerrymandering case in more than a decade, it announced Monday.

    The case involves district lines in Wisconsin that challengers say were drawn unconstitutionally to benefit Republicans. The case could have a major impact on how district lines are drawn up nationwide.

    The court has said that too much partisanship in map drawing is illegal, but it has never said how much is too much.

    Steve Vladeck, CNN Supreme Court analyst and professor of law at the University of Texas School of Law, told CNN that this case could have “enormous ramifications.”

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Eh, we’ll lose because Gorsuck

      • Cliff Hendroval

        Maybe not…this case has the mathematical proof behind it that Stewart has said he’s been looking for in previous cases. That is, if Stewart doesn’t retire at the end of term.

  • Jenny

    Trump, don’t go away mad. Just go away.

    • Meccalopolis

      don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya

  • SweetDeeKat

    So he’s not under investigation and isn’t afraid of the investigation. And he wants to fire Robert Mueller even though there’s no investigation. Got it.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    I understand the confusion. They flipped the Two-Face coin to decide whether to say he was under investigation or not, but couldn’t agree on whether it was was the ugly side that came up. They are very similar.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “He’s saying that nobody has ever notified the president that he’s under investigation”

    “We’re smart enough to know better!”

    – Trump investigators

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I bet they never told Al Capone, either.

  • Crystalclear12

    I think we are past “weather the storm”. Maybe you should move onto ” left on my own terms”, Trump.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      That’s where the emoluments clause lawsuits could be a godsend. Turnip claims that thanks to the so called courts and justices, he can’t continue his family grifting operation.

  • msanthropesmr

    Chuck Todd has a bad beard.

    • And brain cell

    • TJ Barke

      And his facial hair sucks too.

      • elviouslyqueer

        ZING!

        • TJ Barke

          Tip your waitresses, I’ll be here all week.

          • elviouslyqueer

            In my experience, it’s been “try the waitress and tip the veal.”

          • laughingnome

            But the waitress is the veal!

          • arglebargle

            Tip your waitresses, I’ll be here all week year.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I thought he was hotter when he was a little bit chubby.

      • msanthropesmr

        College wrestlers (your purported type) are rarely chubby, what with having to make weight and all.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Mrs. Todd?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Who needs a communications director when you have trump’s really good brain?

  • Covfefe

    If Donald isn’t under investigation, why does he need so many lawyers?

    • jesterpunk

      Because the derp state, his lawyers even need lawyers.

  • ken_kukec

    “… because Kellyanne Conway said the same thing Monday morning on Fox News …”

    How’s Kellyanne still even a thing? She’s dead to me and Mika.

    • Crystalclear12

      Bowling Green Massacre?

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Never Forget!

      • Gayer Than Thou

        How was this not the end of her career?

        • miss_grundy

          Because the media loves high rating numbers and higher circulation numbers. As long as people are willing to continue to watch this dumpster fire and talk about it incessantly, the media will be there to cover it. It is what they did with the Trump campaign. If these assholes had done the job that Murrow, Cronkite, Brinkley, Huntley and Chancellor had done throughout their lives, they would have called out this son of a whore and pimp the moment he said that Mexicans were “rapists and drug dealers and, perhaps, some of them were good people.” If they would have acted like journalists, they would have rained opprobrium on his head and he would have been run out of town on a rail. But noooooooo, they decided to turn a presidential campaign into a reality show and rain the opprobrium on his opponent and treat her as if she were a criminal, when she only did what her predecessors, who were Republicans, had done. And that is why we now have THIS.

      • laughingnome

        They were killed with canned clams.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    As I tell my clients when they say the cops talked to them, but it’s all good: There are only two reasons cops talk to you (or your associates.) They don’t have a case and they want to make one or they do have a case and they want to make it better.

    • Joe Beese

      But they said they could help things go smoother with the DA!

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        “I knew if I could just explain my side of the story . . .”

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          that’s what my PD prof said they do too…all. of. them.

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            If it weren’t for suspects talking to cops, nobody would ever go to jail.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            heh, he said something similar to that as well.
            ; )

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            A friend of mine had a huge steelhead mounted and hanging on the wall of his office. The plaque beneath it said “I wouldn’t be here if I’d kept my damned mouth shut”

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            that’s pretty awesome.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Confirmation bias, what’s that?”
      — Every cop or journalist ever?

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      This is ridiculously long, but it’s a useful primer and will make you into a believer if you weren’t already
      https://youtu.be/pGGXjlIxEgs

    • SweetDeeKat

      When I was an assistant DA, I watched (through 2 way mirrors) some interrogations and confessions. Wised up my naive ass in a hurry.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Remember “taking the Fifth” is the same as “you have the right to remain silent”.

      • Oblios_Cap

        I thought it was drinking a fifth of bourbon. Color me surprised!

  • aureolaborealis

    Working on a Spirited Away metaphor here, where right-thinking Americans are Sen, Trump is No-Face, the Republican establishment is the staff of the bathhouse, willing to debase themselves without limit as long as they can still believe the gold might be real. Sen’s parents are American voters who were racked with ‘economic anxiety’ and couldn’t resist the imaginary banquet that transformed them into unthinking beasts. Warren is Lynn. Al Franken is Kamaji. And introducing Mitch McConnell as Yubaba.

    • TJ Barke

      Yeah, but No-Face was redeemable.

      • aureolaborealis

        I was bothered by that, too.

    • Internet Hitler

      How about a Attack of Astro Monster metaphor where the Trump Gang are those shits from Planet X?

  • Predisenting Ron

    So how far down does Donnie Two Scoops have to go before the guy who can fire Robert Mueller is Robert Mueller?

  • Crystalclear12

    It could have gone better.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Whether he resigns or not, history will treat Donnie Two Scoops in a manner that will make James Buchanan look respectable.

    • Internet Hitler

      LOL “Donnie Two Scoops”

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Donnie Two Scoops and one cup.

  • Jenny

    Most criminals aren’t told they’re being investigated at all, until the law breaks down your door. So there’s that.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    You think Sekulow’s pocket square is a full handkerchief, or one of those jams where a bit of fabric is stapled to a piece of cardboard?

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      He does look like one of those daytime Teevee lawyers.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “I pickpocketed it from a department store mannequin.”

  • We’re not far from the “only I can fix this” president appointing himself as Special Prosecuter.

    • GoutMachine

      I’m under investigation for being awesome!

      • mackafritz

        He’ll investigate how many electoral votes he received.

        • GoutMachine

          Conclusion: AOT,K!

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      If our country weren’t in such dire straits that could be hilarious

    • laughingnome

      He’s also appointing himself his own grandpa.

      • TJ Barke

        Phillip Fry libel!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “When was the President under investigation, and when did he know it?”

  • Latverian Diplomat

    At least when a Democrat is in the White House, we always know that they’re under investigation.

    • NellCote71

      V. good

  • Bill D. Burger
  • FauxAntocles

    “Am I under investigation?”
    “No – why do you ask?”
    “No reason – am I under investigation now?”
    “No!”
    “How about now?”
    “Grrr”

  • msanthropesmr

    Chuck Todd has prawn eyes

    • Skeptical_thinker

      That is the only way he is articulate.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I am totally stealing “prawn eyes” for someone deserving.

      • msanthropesmr

        I stole it proper from the Mighty Boosh

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “We know Rachel Brand is the next victim,” said Benjamin Wittes…

    “For those of us who have high confidence in Rachel — the more confidence you have in someone in this role, the less long you think they’ll last,” said Wittes

    Well, fuck. Is Orly Taitz available?

    • Skeptical_thinker

      Is Oily Tits still a thing?

      • Marion in Savannah

        Gawd, I hope not.

      • Weird Fishes

        I dunno. got a $20?

        • Skeptical_thinker

          Same as in town?

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        Was it ever? (Musta missed that memo.)

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Rachel Brand is a right wing tool. I wouldn’t be surprised if she fired Mueller. She’s a member of the Federalist Society and was approved on a party line vote.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        yes, but she’s an old school conservative, not a Trumper

        • Everrett Fanuelli

          She’s still an R. If you’re R you don’t do ill against other Rs

          • Résistance Land Shark Ω

            Is there, like, a secret handshake and a hazing also too?

        • TJ Barke

          So, a cuck?

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        She’s also a close family friend of Lyin’ Ted Cruz and gave the max to his prez campaign. Plus, her lawyerly mentor and friend is one of little Jared’s attorneys.

        There is a theory that Trump would fire her because of the Cruz connection. He fucking hates Ted Cruz (not that that makes him special).

        • NellCote71

          Yeah. He will have to get in line on the Cruz thing.

        • Cliff Hendroval

          “I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz.” – Al Franken.

  • Bill D. Burger

    “I’m not under investigation. You’re under investigation. I’m under investigation and the failing Washington Post and Rosenstein are to blame for me being under investigation. Whaaat? ___ I did not. I’m not under investigation. How much clearer can I be?”

  • ken_kukec

    Trump could find himself swimming in the deep end of the steno pool at Main Justice before finding an employee who’ll shitcan Mueller.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    so sucklow says it was the 140 character limit – now KCON chimes in:

    Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway told Fox & Friends on Monday that President Donald Trump’s tweet that confirmed he’s being investigated for obstruction of justice was meant to be an ironic commentary on the supposed absurdity of the Russia investigation.

    Conway was on Fox to help clean up the contradiction between Trump’s Friday tweet in which he confirmed he was being investigated and Trump attorney Jay Sekulow’s statement on Sunday that the president was not under investigation.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “I think the Watergate scenario would make most self-respecting lawyers loath to put themselves in the role that Bork ended up playing,” said Brian Fallon, a former Obama Justice Department and Hillary Clinton spokesman. “Most career-minded independent lawyers that have high regard for the Justice Department as an institution would be loath to be the modern-day equivalent to Bork.”

    He’s going to get that sleazy personal attorney of his to do it, isn’t he?

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      This is why they hire those Liberty University Law Clerks: “You’re a red blooded Christian patriot, aren’t you, son?”

    • SEZ WHO!?

  • Ωbjectifier

    ‘wow, look at the irony here.’
    It’s like rain on your wedding day.

    • Tokays_don’t_blink

      Or 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife…and now I need the earworm drops.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Never forget: Monica Goodling & Co. stocked Justice with a whole bunch of good little right-wing assholes. There are still plenty of them running around. It wouldn’t be that hard to eventually find someone willing to commit career suicide for The Cause. That’s what they’re there for.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    It just gets better–from the WaPo link:

    Wallace asked Sekulow if Trump believes that Deputy Attorney General Rod J. Rosenstein, who wrote a memo criticizing Comey’s handling of the Hillary Clinton email investigation, has done anything wrong.

    Sekulow responded that Trump had been getting at a “constitutional issue.”

    “He’s being investigated for taking the action that the attorney general and the deputy attorney general recommended him to take, by the agency that recommended he take the action. That’s the constitutional threshold issue,” Sekulow said.

    When Wallace pointed out that Sekulow had appeared to agree in his answer that the president is under investigation, the lawyer grew flustered. He said he had only been discussing the constitutional problem posed if the president were being investigated.

    “I don’t appreciate you putting words in my mouth when I’ve been crystal clear that the president is not and has not been under investigation,” he said.

    “But you don’t know that he’s not under investigation again, sir?” Wallace responded.

    “You’re right, Chris. I cannot read the mind of the special prosecutor,” Sekulow responded.

    “We’re in agreement then,” Wallace said.

    tl’dr: Donald’s people can’t get their story straight. Again.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Wait, I thought Trump said he was going to fire Comey because of the Russia.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    bwahahahaaahaa!

    Trump’s polling drops in only two days after he promoted poll

    Donald Trump loves championing the Rasmussen Reports pollL Just last week he tweeted out the survey, happily noting that it had pegged his approval rating at 50 percent, which is by no means great but far better than his average in other polls. But it’s far less likely the president will promote the polling firm’s latest findings, which found his approval rating had fallen 2 percentage points over the weekend.

    The latest daily tracking survey from Rasmussen pegged Trump’s approval at 48 percent, down from 50 percent Friday. Disapproval of the president rose to 51 percent in the new poll, from 50 percent. The Rasmussen survey samples 1,500 likely voters over a three-day period and has a margin of error of plus or minus 2.5 percentage points.

    • I think they’re understating that margin of error… It’s Rasmussen…

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      when even the in-house pollster can’t keep your numbers above 50%…

  • OddMan

    I’m not sure what Spicer said about this yet as he is being just a bit recalcitrant today at the W/H presser.

    https://twitter.com/Acosta/status/876859847412723713

  • Carpe Vagenda

    So it turns out Jared Kushner sounds like Alfalfa from the Little Rascals.

    https://twitter.com/BraddJaffy/status/876856637595799552

    • Bill D. Burger

      When his testicles descend, perhaps it’ll get better.

      ( BTW: Michael Cena wants his voice back Jared. )

      • Weird Fishes

        Ivanka: “Put on the hoody, Jared”
        Jared: “C’mon, Ivanka, not again”
        Ivanka: “Put on the hoody, Jared. I’m not playing.”
        Jared: “I hate this.”
        Ivanka: “It’s okay, Michael.”

    • Shanzgood 18 Days

      Someone needs to photoshop some freckles and a cowlick on him.

    • Jenny

      Lol oh no.

    • He sounds like he’s giving a high school valedictorian speech.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      and in conclusion, this is why I’d like your vote for class president!

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Most women have more timbre in their voices than that nasally shit.

    • SeeTrain65
    • mardam422

      We have set ambitious goals for outdoor study halls, and empowered the cheerleading squad to get Snapple into the cafeteria. It’s working, and it”s very exciting.

    • Terpsichord

      As whiny and sniveling as I expected.

  • Joe Beese

    On CBS’s “Face the Nation,” Sekulow was asked when Trump would release those tapes of his conversations with James Comey. His answer:

    “I think the president is going to address that in the week ahead. There was a lot of issues this past week … So the issue of the tapes, I think right now was not priority issue … I think it shows that the president is concentrating on governing. This issue will be addressed in due course and I suspect next week.”

    Yes, Trump was too busy governing to get around to releasing evidence that will exonerate him in the probe that he tweets and obsesses about constantly. That’s the ticket!

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/wp/2017/06/19/the-trump-teams-spin-about-the-russia-probe-sinks-deeper-into-absurdity/

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Is Donald Trump under investigation?

    YES! He brags about being “under audit” by IRS which is politically correct way of saying the IRS is investigating Donald J Trump for possible tax evasion and tax fraud.

    TRUE FACT: Tax fraud penalties are imprisonment for no more than 5 years, or a fine of not more than $250,000 for individuals, or both.

    • Predisenting Ron

      I vote for ‘both.’

      • Oblios_Cap

        Way too lenient.

    • miss_grundy

      He has been cheating the IRS for years since he basis the value of his properties based on his fee-fees. Can you imagine if regular people tried that garbage?

  • Bitter Scribe

    Maybe they should have the phone number of the night janitor at DOJ handy? Just in case.

    • NellCote71

      Is he or she next in line of succession?

  • UnsaltedSinner
    • yyyaz

      Clouseau had redeeming qualities.

  • jesterpunk

    OT but this is going to be fun.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-switch/wp/2017/06/19/a-republican-national-committee-database-of-nearly-every-voter-was-left-exposed-on-the-internet-for-12-days-researcher-says/

    A Republican analytics firm’s database of nearly every registered
    American voter was left vulnerable to theft on a public server for 12
    days this month, according to a cybersecurity researcher who found and
    downloaded the trove of data.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      but her emails…

    • Randy Riddle

      Well, that’s a convenient way to say “Nah…the election wasn’t hacked. We just accidentally left it out for someone to steal.”

      • jesterpunk

        This happened this month. The other things happened last year with 39 states.

        • Randy Riddle

          Pay no attention to that thing that happened months ago. Nothing to see there, nothing at all. Here – see this shiny new red ball?

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Of course, they fail to mention voter registration roles are public information. Download yours today!

      • jesterpunk

        This isnt just voter registration rolls, it also includes each persons views on things like gun rights and abortion.

        • Résistance Land Shark Ω

          Then that’s worth more. There are companies you can buy the voter reg lists from that have been “enriched” with data from other sources: credit, social media, etc., etc.

          I wonder if the data has an indicator for “fucking batshit cray-cray” in it …

          • jesterpunk

            They did say you can predict who voted for Trump with that data so I would go with yes.

  • baconzgood

    You have to notify someone that they are under investigation. That’s not how Law And Order SVU does it.

    • Ωbjectifier

      You have to tell me if you’re a cop, right?

      • Sakonyachen

        Sure. But I’m not a cop anyway so whutevz! Now sell me some contraband.

    • Joe Beese

      I earned my law degree at Dick Wolf University.

      • ThatGuy

        Home of the most controversial college mascot of all time.

      • Slamtundra

        Dun DUN

  • Anonymous liars?

    Good heavens, everyone knows who Trump is by now!
    https://media0.giphy.com/media/26tknCqiJrBQG6bxC/giphy.gif

  • Weird Fishes

    ‘wow, look at the irony here.’ would probably be the single greatest thing to come out of his occupation of the White House to date.

  • Randy Riddle

    I’m not forming an opinion on whether this is an investigation until Jared Kushner’s wedding planner sheds some light on it. Because. You know. She plans things.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Maybe she should take over the Afghanistasn war.
      Couldn’t hurt, given that Il Douche is clueless about what to do, and is doing not. one. fucking. thing.

      • yyyaz

        Well he is sending 4,000 more living, breathing U.S. (poor) citizens there to be shot at, targeted by IEDs, sweat profusely, line the pockets of his profiteer buddies and encourage more jihadis to step up. So there is that.

        • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

          And yet those same citizens and their parents CONTINUE TO SUPPORT HIM

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          4,000 people shipped over there with no plan, no strategy, nothing. Just so he can say he sent them there.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    OT: Trump approval is underwater in so many areas: economy, foreign affairs, health care, terrorism, immigration, Russia, taxes, environment, budget, relations with news media.

    http://pollingreport.com/trump_ad.htm

  • Johnny Appleseed

    So now he ISN’T under investigation?

    Then I need a new scorecard. I’ve written “guilty” all over this one. I’ll keep it for memorabilia and will shop online again to get some unedited ones. Hopefully, the internet hasn’t run out of them yet.

    Wait, he’s not Tweeting again, is he? I mean, do I need one or 100? If he’s Tweeting again, it’s the latter. Bulk might be best.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He is, and he isn’t. He’s Schroedinger’s prat.

      • Johnny Appleseed

        THAT is very phunny! And, apparently, it’s true.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Lazy fuckers need to come up with some new material.
    https://pics.onsizzle.com/trump-what-he-meant-was-5194913.png

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Bannon “Crapping Diamonds” As House Calls Campaign Digital Director To Testify In Russia Probe

    Politics makes for some interesting applications of digital media and marketing, and digital media and the marketing of ideas can and clearly do influence elections. Those are the underlying precepts that doubtlessly attracted Robert Mercer to use Cambridge Analytica’s data to influence Brexit, an allegation Mercer resoundingly denies and now he’s suing The Guardian for daring to report the facts …

    • epazote

      The Mercer’s deserve to be hanged along with Drumpf and his criminal cabal
      (most of whom were brought aboard by Rebekah Mercer, who coincidentally resides in one of Drumpf’s NYC properties. Is/was there a server there connecting with banks, Eric Prince, Betsy de Vos and other scoundrels? or was all the skullduggery filtered through her father’s Cambridge Anlytica ?)

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        Um, we do no call for violence (except with votes), amirite.

        • epazote

          The proscribed punishment for treason is to be publicly hanged

          • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

            Well, maybe, but not lately. The last two were the Rosenberg’s in 1953 and before that was some poor schmuck convicted by a military tribunal for tearing an American flag off a building.

            And, hey, I anti death penalty. Besides, most of this shit, to my way of thinking, is more plain old criminal activity vs. treason.

          • RobespierreHoo

            Rosenbergs were not executed for treason. Charged with and convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage. He was guilty, she probably wasn’t, or only a bit player charged so he would fold.” He didn’t. “I hate it when that happens”-J. Edgar Hoover

          • epazote

            Oh, I’m opposed to the death penalty
            but agreeable to exceptions in this matter
            Both current and future office holders need to be put on notice
            They work for us
            we pay them
            they’d better represent the people’s interests…because we’re not going to tolerate any more of this shit !

          • Ferdinand_The_Imposter

            The Rosenbergs weren’t hanged they were shocked.

      • tomamitai

        This is almost as weird as Pizzagate, except it may be real!

      • NellCote71

        Obligatory AOT,K

      • doktorzoom

        Please review the rules.

        — Dok Zoom, Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator

        • epazote

          thx
          I’ll be more discreet in future

    • tomamitai

      The Senate intelligence committee is also interested in how Russian bots were able to target political messages in specific districts in critical swing states

      Hmmmmmm, I wonder how they got that info?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The city of Cambridge (both of ’em) should sue Mercer’s ass for dragging their names in the mud.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!
  • SeeTrain65
  • Blackest Noobs

    guys….are you tired from all this winning?

    no? really? why all the sad-faces?

    OOOOH is it because America voted for an incompetent dickbag who convinced you only he could bring us back to our former glory…and now you got voter’s remorse.

    WELL…SERVE.YOU.FUCKING. RIGHT.

    you may not have liked Hillz or thought she was a smooth criminal…but at the very least the lady wasn’t an incompetent buffoon who only ran because the Black Guy Prez had made fun at buffoon’s expense over his stupid and NEVER substantiated claim the Black Guy was not a natural born citizen of these here United States of America.

    so white people who voted Trump…go fuck yourself.

    so young folks who didnt bother to vote at all….yep…go fuck yourself.
    everyone who coulda vote but did not…yep…go fuck yourself.
    those idiots that voters for Johnson or Cra-Cra Doctor Lady….guess what?
    GO.FUCK.YOURSELF.

    • Manny Mota

      I voted for Hill-dawg but I really wanted to vote for Vermin Supreme.

      • Blackest Noobs

        i wanted diamond Joe Biden…but as the Rolling Stones sang, you can’t always get what you want…

  • Blackest Noobs

    let’s start the Trump will Resign betting pool!!!!

    • H0mer0

      I thought the “l” after “poo” was one of the exclamation points and had a confuze at first, I mean, who bets poo? as opposed to giving a shit?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Looks like we finally have Il Douche’s plan to beat ISIS: punt.
    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/18/world/asia/us-troops-afghanistan-trump.html

  • William

    Yes we are at a low ebb in terms of national pride and confidence in our government. Yes our *gag* Preside… (I can’t say it) is an idiot and pathological liar. Yes we are the laughing stock of the civilized world, but maybe just maybe, it’s time to count our blessings and be thankful for what we have. It could be worse….much, MUCH worse. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fe8857e5b718b5bf104f4f262757ea41700873af9ec38f01a26224d5e74d27d1.jpg

    • Sakonyachen

      It’s been worse than that for me, but I’m not the whole country.

  • NellCote71

    Talk about Designated Survivor.

  • Blackest Noobs

    from the Salon: It had been widely reported that Trump has been unable to hire any top law firms to represent him because they believe he is likely to shoot off his mouth against their advice. According to Yahoo News, one lawyer said the concerns were as follows: “The guy won’t pay and he won’t listen.”
    -http://www.salon.com/2017/06/19/jay-sekulows-bizarre-debut-donald-trump-picked-a-lawyer-he-saw-on-fox-news-and-it-isnt-going-well/

    which i guess explains why he hired that dildo christian lawyer guy to represent him.

    ooooh Trumpie….quit now while you are marginally ahead ( you’re not but in your mind you can be)

  • whitroth

    Um, yeah. I don’t think he’d resign – not in his “character”.

    On the other hand, during or before impeachment, or maybe the day after, I also wouldn’t be surprised to find the headlines that he was “found unresponsive”.

    Wonder if Melania is in a different bedroom than him.

    • m3bosha

      Melania is in a different wing than him. Frankly, I would put money on it the only time she’s seen him while in Washington is when they got off the helicopter.

    • Maree Martin

      Yeah no way Trump wants to be the second President to resign. He needs to be FIRST in everything, so he’ll wait to be the first President removed from office. Winning!

    • Manny Mota

      Aneurysm while rage-tweeting on the toilet.

      • Slamtundra

        Elvis libel?

        • Sakonyachen

          Could be. Is rage-tweeting the new pill-popping?

      • Ferdinand_The_Imposter

        expecting that any day now

  • bigjericho

    Me: That attorney was tripping over his own feet

    Trumpsters: NUH UH, HE HANDED SLEEPY-EYED GOATEED CHUCK HIS LIBTARD ASS LOL ROFLMAO MAGA!!1!1

  • anon_the_great

    ITMA

  • Mavenmaven

    The GOP will wait till they can get all the really horrible legislation through under Trump, remove him, and then whoever they replace him won’t be associated with the dirty work and can run for re-election.

    • TundraGrifter

      Legislation through? They couldn’t get a dog out to take a poop on their neighbor’s lawn.

      • Manny Mota

        I hope you’re right.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    He isn’t under investigation, libtards, he’s under WITCH HUNT. Why is that so hard for you to understand?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Abigail Williams has been leaking to the press. Sad!

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Vladimir: There are ways of telling whether he is a witch.
      TrumPerson 1: Are there? THEN SHUT UP! DON’T TELL US!
      Vladimir: Tell me… what do you do with witches?
      TrumPerson 2: We don’t burn’em! We don’t burn them up!
      Vladimir: What do you burn apart from witches?
      TrumPerson 1: Never witches! (P2 nudge P1)
      (pause)
      TrumPerson 3: Bread! Apples! Very small rocks!
      Cider, Grape gravy, Cherries, Mud! ANYTHING BUT WITCHES

      • Panika MCD

        Vladimir: wrap him in a flag and burn it as it has been sullied.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    The president, who friends said does not enjoy living in Washington and is strained by the demanding hours of the job, is motivated to carry on because he “doesn’t want to go down in history as a guy who tried and failed,” said the adviser. “He doesn’t want to be the second president in history to resign.”

    Oh, don’t worry. We won’t ever think of you as “President,” Mr. Trump, if we ever think of you at all. You can resign now.

    • TundraGrifter

      I continue to give him until the November 2018 bloodbath. He will resign for “reasons of health” – illness and fatigue – he’s sick and tired of having to work for a living and not having any results to show for it.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        I find that somewhat easy to masturbate to.

        • generalleeme

          Gee I always though ‘hate masterbating’ was just a Republican thing. Wonkette is expanding my thinking AGAIN.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      President (with a few exceptions)

    • Resistance Fighter Puipui

      I might be okay with history books calling him Predisent Trump, possibly.

      • generalleeme

        Or we could call him Unprecidented Trump.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      But if he quits, will he get two scoops? Reduced to the second-best chocolate cake ever? The Shame!

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Honey, if he leaves the office today, I will personally bathe him in ice cream for the rest of his wretched life.

        • H0mer0

          worth it!

  • Manny Mota

    We have always been at war with Eastasia, believe me.

    • Panika MCD

      Anastasia?

      • CatDog

        perhaps we are at war with amnesia?

      • H0mer0

        “….screamed in vain.”

    • r m reddicks

      He’s a very bad Lars von Trier movie.

  • Panika MCD

    he doesn’t want to be the second president in history to resign because: is it worth doing at all if he can’t be the first? he can’t even be the first to Darwin himself out of history. he needs someone to offer him a creative way where he can be the FIRST to exit the office of the presidency in that exact manner–because that would get in history books.

    • Has a president ever fled the country in the middle of the night, never to return? That would be new.

      It’s not like anyone’s going to leave him out of the history books anyway. He’s already broken all kinds of records for terrible presidenting.

      • Panika MCD

        until Teddy Roosevelt, they didn’t even leave the country while in office so…no. that would be new. but where would he go that he wouldn’t end up in a gulag or poisoned by plutonium? the Ecuadorian embassy in London? I doubt they’d take him.

        • generalleeme

          Make that polonium and I am good with using that to take out this Russian Republican.

  • CatDog

    Is it strange that it no longer seems strange that the most vicious twitter troll subverting the authority of the President of the United States is the President of the United States, and even his own staff more or less admit it? Is anything strange anymore in the era of universal, incessant strangeness?

  • Poly_Ester

    Trump logic — Trump is not a witch, if he were a witch he would have been burned at the stake by now. Therefore, he is not a witch. QEDMF

    • H0mer0

      I say we build a bridge of him and put him at Port Authority to provide an alternate route.

  • HorseChestnut

    I can’t see anything but Chuck Todd’s moustache. Get your facial hair together, man, that shit looks weird.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    In my editorial style sheet, the word “President” never precedes the word “Trump”.

    • Brendan_M

      “…the recently-impeached and convicted president, Trump, has fled to Mar-a-Largo to avoid arrest. When informed that Florida is part of the United States and US Marshals have jurisdiction there, he dismissed that as ‘FAKE NEWS!’…”

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Mine either. He is always just “Trump”, or “Mr. Trump” if I am talking to Trumpkins.

  • Jo Mathie

    “he “doesn’t want to go down in history as a guy who tried and failed,”
    Pretty sure that ship sailed and sank within his first couple of days in the White House. Seriously has he done anything but piss of pretty much the rest of the world and achieved make America a joke?

  • alpacapunchbowl

    I generally try to refrain from talking smack about a person’s appearance, but is there anyone in the inner circle who doesn’t look like a cartoon villain?

  • bbayliss

    Wow, that’s a relief, I was beginning to think there might not be an innocent explanation for all these Russian connections.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    According to this interesting article on DailyKos, he won’t resign. When malignant narcissists are publicly revealed to be malignant narcissists and not the Super Men they pretend to be, they apparently experience “narcissistic injury” and become very stubborn. Only time will tell what he does. If he’s smart (fat chance), he will pretend to develop a chronic health condition and say he has to resign for health reasons. But he bragged about how healthy he is, so that might be too embarrassing for him, and also he would have to give up golf or it will be painfully obvious that he is lying. Again.
    http://www.dailykos.com/stories/2017/6/18/1671859/-The-narcissist-who-cried-wolf

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I hope he stays stubborn long enough to get the other traitors (Pence, Ryan et al) out of the line of succession.

    • Johnny Appleseed

      Well, he could (does) just lie and claim his mystery illness allows him to golf and travel but not execute the rigors of a President (who would only travel and golf). Kellyanne Phugly would swear to it and they trot out some paid off doctor to round out the story/lie.

      “Trumpitis”? You know, the fear of 4 cement walls, doors with bars and large roommates named Big Butch? Of course Melanoma would have to arrange some conjugal guests for Big Butch.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I think Melanoma would take the alimony and run, and start looking for Rich Husband #2. She better hurry up, she’s not getting any younger.

        • Johnny Appleseed

          Oh, much like Ivanka, there’ll be a PreNup to refer to. But you’re right, she’s almost 50 now and it’s time to shop for new arm-candy.

        • Johnny Appleseed

          Correction: I think I wrote Ivanka, meant Ivana. Can’t tell one from the other without a scorecard.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I knew what you meant, and I do the same thing. At least the son is not named Ivan, then things would get more confusing than they already are.

          • Johnny Appleseed

            She’s fresh! She wants all the attention.

      • earring

        Bone spurs …

        • Johnny Appleseed

          More like Butt spurs or a disconnection between the his brain and lips.

    • I think he’d only resign if he could spin it as moving onto something bigger and better than the US presidency. If someone can convince him that he’ll be the new Emperor of the Galaxy, he might resign and let us shoot him into space to get away from DC, as long as he can brag about what a bigly triumph it all is first. But admit defeat, even obliquely? I don’t believe he’ll ever do that.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        He could be our Ambassador to KOI7711.

        NASA telescope finds 10 more planets that could have life
        https://www.yahoo.com/news/nasa-telescope-finds-10-more-planets-could-life-163326487.html

        • Ugh, I don’t want to send him anywhere that might have actual life. You never know, we might need to make a good first impression.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Don’t worry about it…it would take thousands of years for him to get there. But he is so ignorant he wouldn’t know that. All we need is a spaceship with a golf course.

  • Zyxomma

    Well said, Evan. You appear to have gotten over that stupid Jared crush. I’m proud of you.

    • H0mer0

      my seventeen-year-old boys can grow a better 5 o’clock shadow than him.

  • Ducksworthy

    Dr. Bornstein has a cousin? And he’s a lawyer? Who knew?

  • r m reddicks

    Who in the the government is not laughing at this guy and his admin?

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Conservatives. They are crying.

      • phoenix00

        Actual Conservatives, if they exist.

        The rest of them are rushing legislation to throw America back 50 years while their idiot dances for the cameras.

  • redblack

    wholly shit. we’re getting played, right?

    tell me we’re not living in some virtual reality teevee pokemon go/ingress/mario 2000 kind of first-person-shooter dystopian video game.

    this can’t be real.

  • TundraGrifter

    “Sekulow also has been repeating the thing about how many Twitter followers Trump has.”

    I haven’t checked in some time, but a while ago I looked at one of the websites that rates such things and, as I recall, at least a third of his “followers” are fake.

    Which probably echoes real life.

  • persistently_resistant_gayby

    RESIGN MOTHERFUCKER RESIGN – YOU ARE A FUCKING FAILURE.

  • AJ Milne

    Wait. He has Twitter followers? Some of whom may even be real?

    Well, geez. Obviously, then, he _can’t_ be under investigation. That’s just basic right wing nutbar jurisprudence.

  • pussygrabber in chief

    I wonder, if Donald manages to survive his first term, will he run for a second? Or will he, Kissinger-style, just declare victory and get the hell out of Dodge? I’m picturing Donald in 2020, on the roof of the White House, grabbing desperately at the last helicopter out of DC.

  • phoenix00

    The Shrodinger of investigations.

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