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Is Donald Trump under investigation? Of course! Everybody knows special counsel Robert Mueller is investigating Trump for obstruction of justice, both for firing FBI Director James Comey and for calling on others to interfere with Comey’s investigation into collusion between Trump and Russia. Trump tweeted last week that he’s being investigated.The Washington Post reported on Trump’s birthday that he’s being investigated. Case closed, go to jail until natural human death, right?

ON THE CONTRARY! Trump’s smart lawyer Jay Sekulow, who is mostly a religious right wingnut lawyer, went on “Meet The Press” and told Chuck Todd that NUH UH SHUT UP, Trump is not under investigation:

He’s not afraid of the investigation. There IS no investigation. I wanna be clear here. […] There is not an investigation of the president of the United States. Period.

THE SAME DAY, Sekulow told Chris Wallace on Fox News that MAYBE the president is under investigation, because after all, it’s not like he can read Robert Mueller’s mind. The point is Trump wasn’t ADMITTING to being investigated, he was just commenting on the FAKE LEAKS he heard in the ENEMY MEDIA, which is ALWAYS WRONG.

This is obviously a coordinated talking point, albeit a stupid one, because Kellyanne Conway said the same thing Monday morning on Fox News:

“He’s saying that nobody has ever notified the president that he’s under investigation,” Conway told Fox News’s “Fox & Friends” host Ainsley Earhardt. “That’s the president responding to a Washington Post report that included five anonymous sources. And that’s the president, in his 140 characters, through his significant social media platform, Ainsley, telling everybody, ‘wow, look at the irony here.’”

Sekulow also has been repeating the thing about how many Twitter followers Trump has. These fucknuggets are literally reading from a script.

So anyway, the point is that Donald Trump is not under investigation, except for how The Washington Post says he is, but they are just ANONYMOUS LIARS, and anyway if the president is under investigation, which he probably is, it’s a witch hunt and a “fake story.” (No really, Sekulow said “fake story” on CNN’s “State Of The Union” on Sunday.)

All clear? Good! Because Politico reports that Donald Trump might fuck up the Department of Justice line of succession, in order to obstruct justice in the investigation that does not exist. We learned last week that Trump wants to fire Robert Mueller, but to accomplish that, he’d have to order Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein to do it, because Attorney General Jeff Sessions is all recused and shit. Rosenstein would most likely (fingers crossed) tell Trump to fuck off and resign, so the next in line would be a Trump appointee named Rachel Brand. She would also (hopefully) tell Trump to fuck off.

That’s when things get murky, because of an executive order Trump signed, and because Trump hasn’t staffed the fucking DOJ:

Since taking office, the Trump administration has twice rewritten an executive order that outlines the order of succession at the Justice Department — once after President Donald Trump fired acting Attorney General Sally Yates for refusing to defend his travel ban, and then again two months later. The executive order outlines a list of who would be elevated to the position of acting attorney general if the person up the food chain recuses himself, resigns, gets fired or is no longer in a position to serve. […]

Typically, the solicitor general would be next in line after the associate attorney general, followed by [a] list of five assistant U.S. attorneys, the order of which would be determined by the attorney general. But none of those individuals have been confirmed by the Senate, and they would be unable to serve as acting attorney general without Senate confirmation.

Because of that, the executive order comes into play — one that puts next in line after Brand the U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia, Dana Boente.

As Politico notes, Boente was an Obama appointee, and he was number two in command for a minute, just after Trump fired acting attorney general Sally Yates for being mean to his Muslim ban, and also for bothering the White House about how then-national security adviser Michael Flynn is a literal actual foreign agent. Interestingly, the Eastern District of Virginia has been impaneling grand juries and issuing buttloads of subpoenas in the Trump-Russia investigation. Also, weirdly, just before he quit being president, Barack Obama suddenly took Boente OUT of the DOJ line of succession, only to have Trump stick him right back in with the executive order in question.

So would Boente actually do Trump’s bidding, assuming Rod Rosenstein and Rachel Brand told him to pound sand? Or did Obama play a joke on Trump and remove Boente as a head fake, because he knew Trump would reverse literally anything Obama did out of spite?

We don’t know! We also don’t know why we’re even talking about this, because after all, Trump’s lawyer and Kellyanne Conway say Trump ain’t under investigation anyhow.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Politico notes that, because of the Saturday Night Massacre during Watergate, most DOJ officials would be unlikely to play the role of Robert Bork, who as solicitor general fired special prosecutor Archibald Cox on Richard Nixon’s command. Apparently Watergate is on Trump’s mind too:

The president, who friends said does not enjoy living in Washington and is strained by the demanding hours of the job, is motivated to carry on because he “doesn’t want to go down in history as a guy who tried and failed,” said the adviser. “He doesn’t want to be the second president in history to resign.”

Awwww, come on, Trump. Why stay in a job you suck at and that you really hate? Just go home, you fuckin’ loser. It’s not like you’re under investigation or anything.

OR ARE YOU?

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[Washington Post / Politico / More Politico]

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