Remember last week when there was all of a sudden news that the FBI’s investigation into Trump-Russia-Obstruction of Justice-Russia-Pee Hookers-Michael Flynn-Russia had reached a “senior White House adviser”? It was all so (Jared) vague! Everybody on Twitter was like WHO IS (JARED!) IT? Is it somebody like Steve Bannon (JARED!) or is it somebody in the Trump family (J-A-R-E-D)? Literally everybody was pretty sure it was Jared.
WELL FOOLED YOU, YOU WERE WRONG, BECAUSE IT WAS MELANIA.
Just kidding it was Jared.
Investigators are focusing on a series of meetings held by Jared Kushner, President Trump’s son-in-law and an influential White House adviser, as part of their probe into Russian meddling in the 2016 election and related matters, according to people familiar with the investigation.
Kushner, who held meetings in December with the Russian ambassador and a banker from Moscow, is being investigated because of the extent and nature of his interactions with the Russians, the people said.
Ooh ooh, pick Wonkette, pick Wonkette! We know about those meetings! We wrote about one of them to you in March, explaining that Jared had a secret back-door meeting during the Trump transition AT TRUMP TOWER with both Michael Flynn and Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak. (When we say “back door,” we don’t mean like in the butt, we literally mean the Russian came in the back door.) Then later in March we learned about a second meeting with the Russian ambassador that Jared didn’t actually actually go to (probably getting a pedicure) so he sent his “deputy,” which is hilarious because it means that Jared has a “deputy.” We ALSO learned about a third meeting, where Jared met with this other Russian dude Sergey Gorkov, who is the head of a Russian state-owned bank called Vnesheconombank (VEB). We don’t know what they talked about (hair products probably) but that was a meeting Jared surely did fail to report! That bank, by the way, is under sanctions right now!
Fun fact: Gorkov ALSO used to be deputy chair of another Russian state-owned bank called Sberbank, which is currently being represented by Marc Kasowitz, the lawyer Trump has just retained to defend him against all things “Russia scandal.” And Sberbank was a sponsor of Trump’s 2013 Moscow Miss Universe pageant, and the CEO threw a sexxxxxxxy dinner during that trip where Trump got to meet 10 of Russia’s finest oligarchs and OH FUCK Y’ALL RACHEL MADDOW’S GLENN BECK WHITE BOARD IS GONNA BE BALLIN’ TONIGHT.
Jared was also there at that weird cocktail party/drag show/Amway party way back in April of 2016 at the Mayflower Hotel, where Trump, Jeff Sessions, the Russian ambassador, three other ambassadors, and a few other folks got together to discuss (???????) and then Trump gave a foreign policy speech about Russia that could charitably described as a “rim job.”
Now the WaPo is careful to say that nobody has said Jared is a “target” of the FBI’s investigation, he is just a person of interest. So he could be innocent or guilty or just a dumb dipshit with great abs who’s stuck up in the middle of this. But this does mean the FBI is looking at Jared’s flawless skin under a microscope, and presumably when they’re done acting like a common Ivanka by ogling his skin, they are also looking at all his weird dealings with Russia.
Is he going to get LOCK HIM UP-ed? We sure don’t know! But maybe this is why Ivanka ‘n’ Jared all of a sudden decided to up and leave Daddy’s Big Exciting Trip To See The Foreigns early, because SOMEBODY was in T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
Anyway, DRIP DRIP DRIP, that is the sound of the Russia news that comes out every night, and also of the cocktail we need to go make ourselves right now, goodbye.
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