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We are SO immature.

Gosh, no one could have seen this one coming! Alex Jones has reached a settlement with Chobani Yogurt after the company sued him for defamation. Jones agreed to remove social media accusations that the company, which operates the world’s largest yogurt factory in Twin Falls, Idaho, had been “Caught Importing Migrant Rapists,” and issued the following sort-of apology:

During the week of April 10, 2017, certain statements were made on the Infowars, Twitter feed and YouTube channel regarding Chobani LLC that I now understand to be wrong. The tweets and video have now been retracted, and will not be re-posted. On behalf of Infowars, I regret that we mischaracterized Chobani, its employees and the people of Twin Falls, Idaho, the way we did.

Comments are disabled for that particular video on YouTube, for reasons one can only guess at.

Jones has indeed removed the Infowars video segment (you can go see the “video removed by user” there) that claimed Chobani CEO and founder Hamdi Ulukaya was somehow connected to the 2016 sexual assault of a 5-year-old girl in Twin Falls by three boys aged 7, 10, and 14, because Ulukaya had committed to hiring refugees at the yogurt plant; after all, the boys were children of refugees and they were in the same town. The boys, from Iraq and Eritrea, later pleaded guilty in juvenile court on a variety of charges; no credible reporting ever suggested they were connected to the yogurt factory. Jones also made false charges that refugees brought to Twin Falls to work at Chobani were responsible for increases in crime and disease. In the removed video, the Infowars anchor even hinted there was some deep deception going on because Chobani makes Greek yogurt (a style of yogurt that’s thicker and less sweet than most commercial yogurt) and Ulukaya isn’t Greek at all, but Turkish!!!!!

After the lawsuit was filed by Chobani in April, Jones issued an angry, incoherent statement on YouTube — it wasn’t part of the settlement, so it’s still up — alleging that George Soros and a shadowy cabal of enemies of freedom were behind the lawsuit, as he’d been informed by his top-secret sources in Congress and the White House.

Chobani had no comment on the settlement, telling the L.A. Times simply that the matter had been resolved. It’s not clear whether Jones paid any monetary damages; the lawsuit had originally asked $10,000, apparently because George Soros, for all his power, couldn’t persuade Chobani to demand an amount that would truly silence Jones forever. We’ll just assume that Mr. Soros is in his evil lair of evil somewhere, sipping a cocktail of Gentile babies’ blood and vaccines, pleased with this small victory but plotting his next move against free people. Despite giving in to Big Yogurt, Jones remained defiant today, Tweeting out a photo of himself and Trucker Speed Buddy Roger Stone giving “the finger” to Soros, so you know he’s still fighting the goof fight. No, that’s not a typo.

Let the eagle fly

Best comment: “You lost to your ex-wife and yogurt.”

This is yet another disappointment for Jones, who earlier this year, facing legal action from the owner of Washington DC’s Comet Ping Pong, removed a video plugging the #pizzagate conspiracy theory and claimed, against all evidence, that he’d never actually believed in the conspiracy.

We guess Alex Jones won’t be coming to Idaho to “show the Islamicists getting off of the planes” and prove that Twin Falls is simply drowning in Sharia Law. Darn it, we already had plans to greet him (credit to Kid Zoom for remembering this video):

Finally, kudos to the Los Angeles Times for its closing comment on the Chobani lawsuit:

Just a few weeks ago, Jones had dug in his heels when Chobani filed the lawsuit.

“You just ran into a Texan,” Jones said. “So you get ready because we’re never backing down and our audience is never backing down.”

Until Jones did. Again.

Booo, Alex Jones. Boo, liar. Boo.


Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations, at least until George Soros gets off his butt and pays us like he’s supposed to. Please click the “Donate” linky below!

[LAT / Idaho Statesman]

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  • canes_pugnaces

    Ick.

  • Joe Beese
  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    OT: Low energy.

    President Trump has cancelled a planned speech at an ancient mountain fortress in Israel, according to a new report.

    Trump will no longer visit Masada this Monday after authorities told him that he could not land his helicopter there, Newsweek reported, citing Israel’s Channel 2.

    Trump reportedly declined to land the helicopter at the base of the historic site and then take the cable car up.

    http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/334089-trump-nixes-stop-at-israeli-fort-over-helicopter-report

    • Jon Sussex

      I suppose there was no question of taking the stairs.

      • WeaselPoo

        Those cable cars are actually Decepticon stairs

      • Rags

        Escalator or GTFO!

    • C4TWOMAN

      What a pathetic cuck. A REAL MAN would take the stairs.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Too bad. I would have loved to see him stage a reenactment of the story from the Sicarii point of view.

  • ArgieBargie

    And Yogurt says: apology not accepted.
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/By5Bv3iCEAApt2L.png

  • btwbfdimho

    AL-Ex Jones should apologize to yogurt, yes.
    Someone said there is more live, vivid culture in a yogurt than in the whole Republican Party.

  • BearGHAZI

    Shame on ye Wonkette, for mocking a man whose brain is by now nothing but a pound of trucker speed and cholesterol

    • clubseal

      Trucker speed and cholesterol LIBEL

  • Beanz&Berryz

    What a sad pussy he is…

  • dslindc

    But if he’s a “performance artist” can we really even believe his apology?

    Fuck that guy.

  • Crank Tango

    Pizza, yogurt, man this guy sure has a problem with food, doesn’t he?

  • clubseal

    What’s sad is that Ulukaya sounds like a really awesome person, doing what he can to help others.

  • mardam422

    Jones is from Austin. They’re not really Texans in the “Texas” sense, you know.

    • BigCSouthside

      But he’s a rough tough Texan. He was fightin grown men and banging college chicks when he was 13, don’t you remember?

      • HUNDREDS of ’em. THOUSANDS even!

        • Oblios_Cap

          That explains how there are so many Trump voters.

      • mardam422

        Yeah. He still owes me $50 for that hooker we shared in San Antonio when we were 15.

  • Mary Sandoras
  • beatbort

    Mess with Texas. As often as possible.

  • It’s a damn shame that he wasn’t sued out of existence. Damn shame.

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    I wonder if any of Jones’ supporters will sour on him.

  • anwisok
  • Chadwells
  • MynameisBlarney
    • Certified Green Bastard

      Shrubby Spice.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Where’s Waldo Sean?

  • kareemachan

    Well, the one good thing about the state of affairs lately is that it seems that more and more repugs have decided that anything goes now and it’s coming back to haunt them.

    GOOD.

  • Randy Riddle

    Before it’s over, I want to see him apologizing to arugula and wheatgerm.

  • C4TWOMAN

    Jones lost to pizza, yogurt…which popular processed food will he lose to next?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup?

    • Master Contrail Program
      • Villago Delenda Est

        An image my queasy stomach did not need to deal with…

      • jesuswasablack

        mmmm pie!

    • anwisok

      Canned clams? It seems fitting, since he is A MONSTER!!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Cannot possibly upfist enough!

    • doktorzoom

      If he loses to Cheetos, the space-time continuum may rupture and he’ll vanish up his own butt with a hushed “pop!”

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Sausage Party Takes Horrible Turn
      Shirtless man assumed to be choking because of purple face given Heimlich maneuver; fistfight ensues

  • ManchuCandidate

    So who’s the String Cheez eatin’ surrender Monkey now?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The only apology Chobani should accept from this dickweed is a Captain Needa apology.

    https://youtu.be/ttPwA8hitoY

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Hillary Clinton should own InferWars. He accuses her of murder, theft, pedophilia and anything else that pops into his little mind every day.

    • C4TWOMAN

      I’m liking this precedent. Maybe the Sandy Hook and 9/11 attack survivors want some of this action. These conspiracy grifters have been operating for years and Alex Jones has always been part of that. Just peruse Infowars.com in the wayback machine. I suspect it’s Alex Jones cozy relationship with Trump that made him vulnerable. You’d think the opposite, but it only works if Alex doesn’t make Trump look bad worse.

  • mrFawkes

    Jones is losing the cultured war.

    • Joe Beese

      OK, we’re done here.

  • Chadwells

    Oh man….what I would give to go a couple rounds with this sawed off shit heel.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Master Contrail Program

    “Apology not accepted, asshole. And your trucker speed has nothing on Liquid Schwartz.” https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/84fefbf51c7bfb29e4ca445e77e3d7847d81f715717a3dd6d9da4b7d7dd60294.jpg

  • ManchuCandidate
    • C4TWOMAN

      But crazy idiot laughing all the way to the bank.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    He apologized to yogurt, one flabby, white dribble to another.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    He used the word “regret”. I bet he feels dirty.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    So apparently a 10 grand penalty is all it takes to get Jones to do the right thing?

  • TJ Barke

    So when’s he going to apologize to everyone everywhere for disseminating bullshit all over the place?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      When he reaches Ailes’ sulfur pit.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      You have to sue him for 10 grand first.

      • C4TWOMAN

        At your own expense.

        This is what pisses me off: he KNOWS most people can’t do that so he gets away with it and calls it freeze peach….

    • Shanzgood

      I think he also needs to apologize to Obama for the “fuck you” meat picture tweet.

  • weejee

    Booo, Alex Jones. Boo, liar. Boo.

    Booo, tRump. Boo, liar. Boo. Booo, Pence. Boo, liar. Boo. Booo, Spicey. Boo, liar. Boo. Booo, KaC. Boo, liar. Boo. Booo, Paul Ryan. Boo, liar. Boo. Booo, Turtle. Boo, liar. Boo.

  • exinkwretch

    This is an outrage. Alex should be free to make shit up and broadcast it to his 2 million mouth-breathing followers with ZERO consequences.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Sadly, until someone resurrects the Fairness doctrine AND applies it to all media, we’ll be dealing with this shit for a while….

      • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

        And either makes Fox News call itself “Fox Entertainment” or require it to actually be “News.”

  • jesuswasablack
  • Joe Beese

    “No one in the White House likes or respects Trump.”

    Those are the words of a source with very close ties to a number of officials in the White House explaining the views of key personnel advising the president.

    http://freebeacon.com/blog/no-one-white-house-likes-respects-trump/

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Respect must be earned, not actively shunned, which is what Donald does.

    • weejee

      In the Free Bacon no less.

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        Whaaaa??! This universe is getting buggy.

  • btwbfdimho

    Alex Jones Apologizes To Yogurt

    From now on, his nickname should be Alex Cinco Jones.

  • Michael Smith

    As I contemplate the scale of Roger Ailes’ influence on conservative media, it strikes me that, in some way, he made this yogurt feud possible.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      It will go down in history as “the yogurt feud”. Children will read about it, and wonder.

  • jesuswasablack

    I was in a 25 car/truck pileup on the Indiana toll road a couple years ago, The vehicle at the front of the carnage was a Chobani Yogurt Truck and chobani yogurt cups were all over the road, coincidence?

    • FALSE FLAG! All true patriots know that you, trucks and Yogurt don’t exist, they’re made up by the government to take our guns and precious bodily fluids!

    • Wild Cat

      Oh, that! That’s just the beginning of the Lactose-American uprising!

    • C4TWOMAN

      CONSPIrACY!!1111!!

      Hammer large pieces of crooked wood in your windows!
      Install a barbed wire topped fence!
      THROW YOUR MICROWAVE OUT BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!1!1one!11

      • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

        SPRAY VINEGAR AT THE SKY!

    • Alan

      Haha. That happened to me but it was a truckload of Purina dog food. They called a front loader to clean it up.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      DEEP STATE! Someone needs to get to the fruit on the bottom of this!

    • ahughes798

      I was on the Indiana toll road and an open top semi, full of slaughterhouse remains, had tipped over. Would rather it had been a Chobani truck!

  • Lulu Mac
  • Crystalclear12

    Obviously Chobani won. They are simply more cultured.

  • DainBramage

    I still can’t believe that I occasionally see a car with an InfoWars bumper sticker here in the liberal suburbs of Seattle. Dumber than a bag of hammers.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Oh Jones is BIG with the “radical” left Purity Ponies who think BOTH SIDES are EQUALLY bad. You have no idea.
      Well, actually you do…

      • DainBramage

        Purity Ponies kill every horse that comes by because they’re waiting for a unicorn.

        • C4TWOMAN

          And Unicorns want nothing to do with them.

          • Red Bird Ω

            OK. You lost me there.

    • BadKitty904

      To quote my hubby: “Hey, it helps me ID the stupid people.”

      • DainBramage

        That’s true. I always give them a little extra room in case they just suddenly lose their shit.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          I make a point of laughing really loudly, taking out my phone, and very exaggeratedly taking a photo.

          • DainBramage

            You live life on the edge.

        • BadKitty904

          Duck and cover.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          I try not to park close. I’ve witnessed them backing out of spaces at 35 mph without looking in the mirror too many times.

  • BadKitty904

    You lost to your ex-wife and yogurt.

    Thanks, Dok, for making me snarf tea all over my keyboard.

  • Chadwells
    • Lulu Mac

      Jeebus Lord that is disturbing.

      • Alan

        Yeah, that.

      • Chadwells

        Jones should have to see that behind every door.

    • jesuswasablack

      White folks is crazy!

      • Darlene Underdahl

        Some. Yeah.

      • Shanzgood

        Wait, have you seen RompHims yet?

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      I saw that lat year, creepiest damned thing. I mean, I have seen more horror movies than I have time to list, but that shit is terrifying.

    • Wild Cat

      O Christ, I though Karen Finley retired!

    • SadDemInTex
    • aureolaborealis

      Fortunately, the source video is way less creepy. “Little Baby’s Ice Cream” (actually Jet-Puff):

      https://youtu.be/rx4jEIZyTZU

      • Chadwells

        Why does that actor look so familiar? Not kidding…they look super familiar!

        • aureolaborealis

          With her head digitally truncated, she looks to me like an artist’s rendering of one of our human ancestors.

      • aureolaborealis

        Might as well share my adventure. Here’s the actress without 30 jars of Jet-Puff:
        http://i.imgur.com/2eHU2rl.jpg

  • Master Contrail Program
  • DerrickWildcat

    The Illuminati, The Bilderberg Group, Section 31, MI6, The Freemasons, and Opus Dei could not stop Jones from getting the truth out.
    It took Big Yogurt to finally silence Jones.

  • doktorzoom

    Obligatory re-link: John Scalzi’s magesterial short story, “When the Yogurt Took Over.”

    • DainBramage

      Isn’t this what our DNA is doing? Just using us meatsacks to replicate itself.

  • Chadwells

    Now if he goes after FroYo…it’s on. Don’t fuck with my FroYo, fucko.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    All bluster with these assholes. They puff out their chests, say indefensible lies, claim they won’t back down, back down.

  • lucidamente

    “Chobani” is Turkish for “that which hands a little wad of fuck his ass.”

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Brilliant.

  • Some visitors may be confused by America. In their home countries with single-payer health care, they may not realize that here in the United States, we don’t involuntarily commit and humanely treat the severely mentally ill, no we let them host conservative radio programs and run for public office.

    If you run into one of these unstable and potentially dangerous individuals, here are some common American phrases you can use, while slowly backing away toward the nearest cab or Uber:

    “Yes, yes, I agree. Black on black crime is a serious problem.”
    “Of course, the international confederation of bankers is plotting to steal your gold fillings…”
    “Sure, okay, the Jews really do run Hollywood.”
    “The greatest threat to a country is immigration.”

    Remember, stay calm, avoid eye contact and sudden movements and you should be fine. Under no circumstances should you EVER give them your Twitter handle.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      It used to be that we would have places where the mentally ill would stay and have their medication. Then about some point in the 80’s, America looked at the price tag, said “ehh, fuck that” and more or less dumped them on the street.

      Now we have a much better system, where we trust the mentally ill to medicate themselves! Genius!

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        I diligently medicate myself. I have to because all the really crazy people are running the show.

      • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

        To be a bit more precise, it was Ronald Reagan who did that, first in California, then nation-wide. He was nice.

      • aureolaborealis

        With whatever they can afford by begging at intersections!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Chobani’s plain Greek yogurt with granola and a banana = yummy post-run breakfast. Thanks for calling my attention to it, wingnuts!

    • Alan

      Just don’t put the granola in the yogurt.

      • CindyinEncinitas

        I always put granola in the yogurt.

        • Alan

          So does my wife. Sometimes wheat germ.

          • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

            I hate to tell you, but you know what else is really good with yogurt? Flaxseed and honey. Seriously. Try it. (Bob’s Red Mill flaxseed)

          • Alan

            As long as it’s smooth. I just can’t stand crunchy yogurt.

          • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

            Oh, no, it’s crunchy and chewy and kind of nutty. Which is why I like it, it makes me feel like I’m actually eating something as opposed to drinking something.

          • ahughes798

            Chia seeds are good in yogurt, too.

          • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

            What do they taste like? I’m always leery of them being too seed-y.

          • O4FSake

            Neutral taste. Not bad at all. But they do get stuck between your teeth like poppy seeds.

          • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

            Will definitely try them!

          • ahughes798

            They taste a little nutty, but they’re so teeny. I’ve never eaten a teaspoon of them by themselves, I’ve only had it in yogurt.

          • ahughes798

            They’re crunchy and nutty. If you leave them in moisture for 10 minutes, they become gelatinous. If they’re mixed in your yogurt you wouldn’t really notice.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Ooh! And flax seed if you want to be super duper healthy.

    • Wild Cat

      Actually, Fage is 500% better. Seriously.

      • Alan

        Way better but I have trouble finding it. I think Chobani pays a lot for that refrigerated space.

        • Wild Cat

          In my neighborhood, they each buy out lots of supermarket space. Chobani always tastes sour—maybe because it’s premixed. Sorry you can’t get Fage.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Fage always makes me think of a disease some aliens had on Star Trek once. Gross.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Dammit Cindy!
            I was about to post something like that!

          • CindyinEncinitas

            sry.

          • Shanzgood

            I can’t eat any of it anyway.

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            Lactose?

          • Shanzgood

            Ayup. And maybe other things as well. Even “lactose free” yogurt kills me.

            I suspect HFCS now because the last time I had a soda (about 2 weeks ago) it tore up my guts. My traitor intestines FORCE me to eat healthy food!

          • Wild Cat

            Shit. I was thinking of trying lactose-free yogurt. It doesn’t work?

          • Shanzgood

            It might for you. I think there were other ingredients in it that I couldn’t tolerate.

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            Sorry to hear that. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t have dairy. I just love good cheese too much.

          • Shanzgood

            Some cheeses are relatively low in lactose so I can eat them with no problem.

          • ahughes798

            Yeah, extra sharp cheddar, parmesan….I have the same problem, but a bowl of ice cream now and again is worth the suffering.

          • Wild Cat

            You pronounce it ‘fay-yay.” I know a Greek guy who corrected my accent on it—eventually the word mellows out. However, my lactose problem doesn’t.

          • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

            Speaking of which, “gyro” is pronounced “hero” WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE CALL THEM “hero sandwiches” THE MORE YOU KNOW

          • Wild Cat

            Very Interesting . . .

            All I know is that Greeks, Turks, and Arabs pronounce them differently and all claim their vocalizations are the only valid ones.

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            Doctor I used to work for, Unal Tutak, he’s Turkish and he always pronounced it “jiro”. The guy who opened The Purple Onion in Birmingham, a Persian, he pronounced it “hero”. Regional dialects?

          • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

            Well, the same way we Americans think we’re the only ones who speak a middle-German-derived language correctly, as opposed to the Dutch or South Africans, or even the Australians.

          • ahughes798

            Interesting. I was told by one of them there “swarthy” people that it was pronounced “year-o.”

          • ahughes798

            It’s pronounced Luxury Yacht, but it’s spelled Throat Wobbler Mangrove.

          • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

            That’s a fake nose! Anti-semite!

          • Persistent Demme

            I didn’t get that until Flay did that commercial.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Lady J hates Chobani. Says it’s too tart for her. She loves Fage. I prefer Fage in my smoothies as well.

      • Parakeetist

        Fage with honey is good eatin.

      • Amalga

        If you can afford it.

  • Wild Cat

    Man, when I was young, I could get every lovely devotchka in my village just by giving her dad a nice goat and some tasty warthog yoghurt . . .

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      For the old in-out-in-out?

      • Wild Cat

        *nudge nudge*wink wink* (Python to young Alex)

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          A wink is as good as a nod to a blind bat.

          • Wild Cat

            I miss Lindsay Anderson. I miss Kubrick. I miss Python.

            I miss humans who could think.

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            No kidding! What’s the world come to? I am dead serious.

          • Wild Cat

            Remember we read Pynchon, Barth, Gaddis, Gass? Now they read comic books. Or kids’ lit. It’s all technology now, and we’re paying the price—critical thinking is a rarity.

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            It started a while back, Reagan era, maybe. They started attacking the arts. I remember when I was in third grade, I did a book report on Burgess’ “The Wanting Seed”. I was called a deviant and sent to the principal’s office for ten licks. True story.

          • Wild Cat

            Yup. I read Joyce on my own when I was 15 and was put in remedial English class—but this was during the Ford Era.

            Reagan didn’t emerge from a vacuum . . .

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            Yeah, my experience is really skewed. I wasn’t born until ’73, had no tangible concept of Nixon or Ford and was only aware of the periphery of Carter. Reagan was a punch in the gut to me.

  • baconzgood

    “…so you know he’s still fighting the goof fight. No, that’s not a typo.”

    This is why I read wonkette everyday….and it’s free.

    • Shanzgood

      I thought it was to pick up hairy libtard women with loose morals.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Loose morals are the best morals.

        • DainBramage

          You don’t want your morals to get all tight and bunged up.

        • baconzgood

          My name is Baconzgood and I approve this comment.

        • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

          Moose laurels?

          Oh. NEVERMIND.

      • baconzgood

        But I’m STILL here even though I have an unshaven liberal woman with…well “loose morals” is a polite way of putting it.

        • Shanzgood

          I’m sure there are still quite a few left.

          • baconzgood

            If your “quite a few morals” are at all loose I’ll shake them out of you.

          • Shanzgood

            No, I meant still quite a few hairy libtard women to pick up with YOUR loose morals!

          • Shanzgood

            Stupid autocorrect!

          • baconzgood

            What? Your not a libtard?

          • Shanzgood

            Maybe, maybe not. Just like I’m maybe or maybe not a 93yo retired long-haul trucker from Florida, either.

          • baconzgood

            That doesn’t matter. I love ya for your mind….and if you believe that I’ll tell you another.

          • Shanzgood

            Yang? Is that the opposite of yinz?

  • OddMan
    • MizzMazz

      Actually, that’s not a bad hair mask. Just a bitch to rinse out.

    • Master Contrail Program
      • Ferroequinologist Ron

        What does she have against werewolves?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I take it this is what he slathers on his chest once he is done with the BBQ toner?

    • theblackdog

      This crap has been popping up in my G+ on their trending section lately, all the “Do this thing to detox your body” woo that used to be snarked on Saturdays here. I keep reporting them as spam.

  • baconzgood

    Apparently yelling “FIRE!” in a theater is still not a “first ammendment” right.

  • Master Contrail Program
    • Swampgas_Man

      I usually have to go the the AVClub to see stuff like this; thanks.

  • C4TWOMAN

    This is part of why I believe Alex Jones is a grifter who knows he’s spreading lies for $$$$.

    After years of “exposing” the “deep state”, y2k, 9/11, sandy Hook and whateverthefuck, and whining about how the CIA/FBI/NSA/ etc are after him, what’s the worst that’s actually happened to him?

    His ex-wife beat him in court and a Yogurt guy took him to the cleaners.
    Even if Alex Jones really did believe his bullshit(spoiler: he doesn’t) this would be definitive proof no one beyond his customers take his “news” seriously.

    He KNOWS he’s grifting people and that make him swine.

    • WeaselPoo

      Abso-fucking-lutely. He ‘fights’ nothing. He sells stupid products. He claims such special knowledge of dangerous secrets held by the all powerful THEY, and yet THEY are powerless to stop him exposing THEM.
      Unless, as I have always contended, Jones is ACTUALLY ONE OF THEM PRETENDING TO NOT BE ONE OF THEM SO THEY CAN LURE THOSE WHO REALLY OPPOSE THEM TO THEIR ‘MYSTERIOUS’ DEATHS, by getting their names and addresses from the apocalypse boner-juice products they order.
      Otherwise, why hasn’t the unholy Kenyan Usurper/Globalist Gay Chemtrail Alliance of Godlessness had him killed already? Hennnghhh?!!

      • C4TWOMAN

        You’d think with the track record of “Killary”, bumping off one obnoxious “Texan” blowhard not even trying to hide should be easy peasey….

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    Shouldn’t he apologize to Chili, and Other Chili, next?

    Those are his children, right?

    • Shanzgood

      *snerk*

  • timpundit

    I had some yogurt this morning with my coffee, danish and cigarette and I don’t feel a damn bit better.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Give the bacteria time to work their magic.

    • JohnBull

      Roger Ailes died.

      • timpundit

        Well that does brighten things up.

        • Parakeetist

          And there was much rejoicing.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Yes, of all the people who ever lived, Roger Ailes was one of them.

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • elviouslyqueer

    And thus concludes this hour’s episode of “These Fat-Ass Motherfuckers Right Here.”

  • Reximus
    • Shanzgood

      Ewww! It would be COLD!

      • therblig

        and probably much less active.

        • thixotropic jerk

          Doesn’t AJ have this flavor stocked in his fridge already?

  • whitroth

    Someone needs to pie him with a yoghurt pie….

  • MizzMazz

    That top picture reminds me of Perez Hilton’s crap. Just sayin’.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    We apologise for the fault in the Youtube videøs. Those responsible have been sacked. Mynd you, Yøgürt Kan be pretti nasti… We apologise again for the fault in the videøs. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.

    • phoenix00

      WannaCrypt did a good number on ya didn’t it?

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    why are texans so good at making ourselves look so bad?

    Sigh.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Practice, practice, practice.

      • irishdave3

        According to King Crab Louie it’s the…Asparagus!

    • NellCote71

      Long, proud tradition.

  • Daniel Hooper

    O.K; I’ve been in a bit of a rut with my writing lately, but Jones has been giving me some inspiration. I should take all his crazy claims(Chobani, the juice that turns people gay, and the Beauty and the Beast movie being pro-bestiality that I can remember off the top of my head) and write stories taking said claims to their logical extremes. Anyone interested in seeing what I can do with those?

    • Shanzgood

      Don’t tease us!

    • WeaselPoo

      Ummm….logical extremes? That’s where you are beginning! Go for it, just try not to descend into madness.

    • BeachBum

      Yeah. Just watch out for white talking rabbits. And cats.

      • JustDon’tSaySurety

        And talking chess pieces.

      • Daniel Hooper

        Are you kidding? Anthropomorphic animals are my stock and trade. Hell; I often borrow a character of a friend who has a cat girl named Chesh, from the Cheshire Cat.

    • Trip Space-Parasite

      Do it! Do it!

  • BeachBum

    OT I, for one, am very pleased and excited to hear Mr. Mueller will be conducting “the largest witch hunt in history.” I’m sure we all know how difficult it is to find a good witch when one needs a special spell cast, a love potion, to turn someone into a hogwart, or just a simple everyday hex. Strangely enough, Yelp is not at all helpful in this area of consumer services.
    Witches have to eat and pay bills like the rest of us. Now that Der Truffenhimler has created a boom in the legal services industry, my hope is a similar boom in the Black Arts.
    In other news,(completely non relevant ) Ben Affleck receives the Dumbass of the Year Award.

    • Erala Contratista

      How about LinkedIn?

  • Edith Prickly

    Losing loser loses again (and Roger Ailes is still dead.) Huzzah!

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    TBH, I’m just surprised InfoWars would even make the distinction between Greek and Turk. You’d expect they’d just toss the whole region into the “Swarthy” bucket and call it good.

    • marxalot

      Weeeeeeeell, see, Greeks are some kinda Christians, ain’t they?

      • chicken thief

        Oh, no no no. The Greeks is them guys what wiggle their weiner in little boys butts.

        Remember this? “I think. Therefore I am going to wiggle my weiner in little boys butts.”

        ~ Descartes, who stole it from the Greeks

        • BearDeLaOursistance

          Cogito ergo bum.

  • marxalot

    Being from Texas, and having driven across it more than once, I can comfortably say that it isn’t big enough for the both of us.

    • NellCote71

      Agree. I cringe when he makes that Texas claim. But then I cringe at Abbott, Dan Patrick, and Cruz representing Texas. Oh, and our main man Louie Gohmert. How could I have forgotten. And then there is Blake Farenthold, tarnishing that good name.

  • chicken thief

    Best comment: “You lost to your ex-wife and yogurt.”

    Hey, I thought the comment “Then they got naked together.” was pretty darn good also too! No love for runner up comment?

  • Red Bird Ω

    Every time I hear one of these guys talk about foreigners being rapists, I think about all of the “good American” MRA types and their complaints about women making false accusations of rape. I also wonder why they didn’t complain about the light punishment this guy got. http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/06/us/sexual-assault-brock-turner-stanford/index.html

  • goonemeritus

    I’m hoping Chobani Yogurt comes out with a celebratory flavored with Alex’s tears.

    • Me not sure

      Salty Chemtrail Swirl.

      • phoenix00

        #pizzagate Peach?
        Mixed Conspiracy Mixed Berry?
        Guava My-Head-Just-Exploded?
        Plain-Jane Alex?

  • CATMAN

    I am sorry the Chobani folks didn’t follow Peter Thiel’s example with Gawker and use their lawsuit to put Alex Jones out of business as a warning to the rest of the right wing smear machine

  • Bitter Scribe

    the Infowars anchor even hinted there was some deep deception going on because Chobani makes Greek yogurt (a style of yogurt that’s thicker and less sweet than most commercial yogurt) and Ulukaya isn’t Greek at all, but Turkish!!!!!

    Don’t anyone ever tell him that Greek coffee and Turkish coffee are the same thing. His head might explode.

    • phoenix00

      Isn’t Alex Jones’ head exploding ad infinitum the entirety of Alex Jones’ act?

  • Edith Prickly

    Posting this again because I really want some yogurt…

    https://youtu.be/M0eWawTdt_w

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      Evidently the fox says “yoghurt”.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Jones went to court and argued that he has a personality, but the judge wasn’t convinced.

    • Parakeetist

      Ba dum bump

  • From now on, when any of his super trolling derpshits show up in any forum anywhere, all we need to do is go
    lol, Chobani

    • Parakeetist

      Hee hee

  • Rags

    Alex Jones – at the bottom, fruit.

    • phoenix00

      Fruit libelz~!!!

  • Shibusa
    • Grokenstein

      “This fried chicken is delicious! …Crow? What are you talking about? This is fried chicken! Delicious fried chicken!”

    • witsended

      4-6 fledgling rook breasts
      100g chopped beef
      1 onion, diced
      2 carrots, chopped
      55ml beef stock
      1 packet puff pastry
      Egg wash
      Salt and pepper
      Cut the meat into thumb-sized chunks. Seal both meats for a few minutes then add the onion and carrots.

      Introduce the beef stock and simmer for 30 minutes. Remove the meat and reduce the stock to a thick sauce.

      When reduced to the required consistency, return the meat and place in a flameproof pie dish. Place the rolled pastry on top. Vent the pastry before egg washing and seasoning.

      Cook at 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4 for 30 minutes.

  • Me not sure

    Being an asshole, as he is, I should think active probiotics might be just the thing for what ails him.

  • Khavrinen

    “there was some deep deception going on because Chobani makes Greek yogurt (a style of yogurt that’s thicker and less sweet than most commercial yogurt) and Ulukaya isn’t Greek at all, but Turkish!!!!”

    In other shocking news, Japanese people can’t make tacos, Germans can’t make spaghetti, and Brazilians can’t stir-fry.

    • pianoplayer1

      Maybe, but non-Southerners cannot make cornbread, field peas, okra, and collard greens.

      • Khavrinen

        Some of us would call an inability to make okra a feature, not a bug. I know y’all claim it’s edible, but I’ve tried it, and I’m pretty sure it ain’t.

      • cleos_mom

        Or cheese grits. Or sweet tea.

  • data_ninja

    Holy crap, that video was from Toledo. I remember Ben Konop, he gave off a double whiff of entitlement and inexperience. Why he ran for various political offices was beyond me, I guess he just had something to prove? But then again, Toledo kind of has a history of … *ahem* … interesting political candidates.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1luOvhtRKZE

  • Greek yoghurt IS Turkish, just like Turkish coffee is Greek.That’s the dirty secret: most of Greek, Turkish, Lebanese culinary culture is the same thing, a common inheritance from the Ottoman Empire. But ethnic/religious bigotry makes every little country claim that it’s “theirs”. It’s like nationalists trying to pretend that Serbian and Croatian, or Hindi and Urdu, are different languages rather than the same thing in a different alphabet with different swear-words.

  • Your Planet Is A Toilet

    That’s it! Regardless of Jones, I will not support the planned White Genocide by buying Chobani fake Greek Turkish yogurt by supporting the influx of muzrat Islamist CULTISTS!
    Back to Dannon ASAP!
    As an aside; George Soros should be arrested by the Mossad and brought to Israel for his WWII Judenrat activities turning his fellow Jooz.over to the Nazi’s! Why have his crimes been ignored?

    • Christopher Story

      Lol… Wut?

  • Panika MCD

    sounds like Daddy Jones cut little Alex’s allowance off.

    for those who don’t know: Alex Jones’ dad owns a string of dental “clinics” called Castle Dental which is a scam to give people bad tooth jobs while raking in those sweet, sweet Medicaid Texaros. it’s a pretty shitty operation.

    also too: I know he was borned and growed here, but a Texan who can’t eat jalapenos without coughing, chili without falling into a food coma and thinks TX BBQ has sauce is not one that anyone should be afraid of.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Also, he was just made aware that Greek yogurt has nothing to do with the buttsecks, so he has nothing to apologize for there.

  • pianoplayer1

    Mmm. . . Greek yogurt.

  • Zyxomma

    Greece and Turkey have … history. Going back thousands of years. Why wouldn’t a Turk know how to make Greek yogurt?

  • norcalOG

    If Ulukaya has been destroying Idaho by starting employees at $12-$15 a and slicing the TF area’s unemployment rate fro 7 to 3%, perhaps other parts of the state could use similar destructing.

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