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There are things in your life that you spend years learning at school and you think they will never come in handy, like various maths or how to diagram a sentence or the entire New Testament. But now, I am pleased to report, that knowledge of Scripture is paying itself back manyfold because Marco Rubio is tweeting Bible verses and now I’m totally cool on this Trump thing!

I have always had a soft spot for Rubio because he’s as ecumenically fucked up as I am having flirted with Catholicism, Baptist denominations and Mormonism, which incidentally is the same three religions in which my parents raised me! So occasionally the man will say something that makes very little sense to anyone but him and me. Well, and I suppose the other ecumenically fundamentalist folks out there, but you really have to imagine there’s not many of us given that some of the fundamentalist Baptists think the Mormons are actually evil demons. You think that’s figurative language, but I still get asked sometimes if people can feel my horns because they think that I would have grown them during Sacrament meeting! AND THESE PEOPLE VOTE.

Anyway, Marco Rubio woke up this morning and started out on Twitter with this:

I assume you’re all Gentiles (which is what Mormons call non-Mormons, and yes I know, but they also think that Native Americans are the lost tribe of Israel in defiance of genetic testing, so just go with me on this Gentile thing) and so you won’t know this reference upfront. But Marco Rubio most certainly knows both the verse and the context. And Marco Rubio is on the intel committee, which means he is up to his neck or above in intrigue and skullduggery and between that and the normal apocalyptic overtones one has in one’s head when one is searching for literal demons in everyday objects it seems entirely likely that the man is playing a game I like to call “Coded Bible Verses.” The kid version is when you’re stuck in church and you can’t talk or pass notes unless they are pursuant to holiness, you find Bible verses to trade and you have a conversation that way. The adult version is, well, Marco Rubio tweeting two Bible verses one morning and then going right back to normal Senatory stuff.

So anyway, John 14:27 comes right after Jesus names Judas a traitor and gives him a blessing to travel away and make his arrangements with the Pharisees and guards to come arrest Jesus. Various disciples are losing their shit, because they’ve just learned that anyone even could betray them, and Jesus tells them to all cool it because this is part of a hidden master plan designed by people who had access to information and understanding that the disciples lacked. Judas leaving to betray Jesus is the only thing that can save the world. This is part of a few chapters that together make up what’s known as the Last Supper.

So that’s not at all foreshadowy and dogwhistly or anything! Here’s the next one:

So, translating this into Veiled Commentary from whichever Bible this heathen uses (KJV or quit, motherfuckers), dude is basically telling us that SOMETHING is going on SOMEWHERE that was planned by SOMEONE and not everyone can know about it in advance but we should all just be still, and know that Marco Rubio is read in.

Or possibly dude just got weirdly religious all of a sudden. Best bit about the coded verse game is that it only made sense afterward when you were telling each other what it all meant. Good luck out there separating wild speculation from wild reality!

[Wonkette]

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  • Meccalopolis

    So is he gonna call for impeachment or what?

    • Me not sure

      What, most likely.

      • Meccalopolis

        Grrr

    • dslindc

      Nah, probably just gonna ride that train under the capitol some more.

    • Vincent Ricola

      LOL. No.

  • Nounverb911
    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      They made Little Donnie sit at the kids table.

  • dslindc

    Let’s dispel with this fiction that Little Marco knows what he’s doing.

    • Me not sure

      Done. …Next?

    • Chris

      Floridian?

  • CogitoErgoBibo
  • wait! what?

    So, Sally Yates is the girl with the dragon tattoo that violently probed Comey and now has permission to kill the presidency?

  • Nounverb911

    Does this mean that his brother-in-law did something that implicates him too?

  • msanthropesmr

    “Fuck the poor, for they are poor and smell funny” – GOP Bible

    • dslindc

      . . . and America begat corporations, which are the holiest of people (my friend), and we did cleave unto them for they gave us money.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      And have no moneys to give to me.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      That’s a revisionist translation. In the original Fartish, the GOP only says “Fuck the poor.”

  • Zatara’s personal stalker

    I wonder if he is trying to be the new crazy homeless guy with the giant cardboard sign that says “God has penetrated me and so can you”… i think that is a bible quote.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    House Republicans have formed a committee to defend the President. For some reason they’re having trouble coming up with a catchy name.

    Farenthold, Blake
    Upton, Fred
    Cheney, Liz
    King, Steve
    Hunter, Duncan
    Emmer, Tom
    Amash, Justin
    DesJarlais, Scott
    Scalise, Steve

    • beingreleased

      I forgot Liz Cheney is in Congress. She must be disappointed that her brand of crazy just doesn’t stand out any more.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Well played. Where would you like your internet delivered?

  • Nounverb911
  • Vincent Ricola

    Maybe Marco just can’t get over the dick jokes in the primary, is one of those people that holds grudges forever, and jumps on any occasion that lets him passively-aggressively revenge on Donald.

    Either way, I’ll read his twitter scriptures and make wild guesses because why the fuck not at this point.

    • KillerMartinis

      this is exactly my thinking.

      • BosGrl

        Plus, it’s more interesting to think he might be sending sekret messages through the interwebs.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    But what the two Corinthians think?

    • Ionically, they think the president is a doric.

      (obligatory)

      • vivian

        I can’t stand all this columny.

        • I know. This wouldn’t even be an issue had we elected Pillary.

          • LesBontemps

            Are we talking about a capital offense?

      • coozledad

        Ionian know what Fox tells me.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      The ones in the Leather Bar with St. Paul?

      • LesBontemps

        That’s rich.

        • The Wanderer

          Considering his homophobia, it’s a valid point to consider.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Two Corinthians were walking down the street, when one of them was a salted Corinthian.

      • The Wanderer

        (chuckles, followed by a gramophone recording of Deutschland uber Alles)

  • wait! what?

    G.W. Bush paints dogs, Spicer is in the dog house and was spotted in a bush. The circle is complete.

    • Chris

      You’ve been listening to Alex Jones again haven’t you?

      • wait! what?

        Too coherent for A.J.

  • Mind. Blown.

  • Joe Beese

    Fuckface Hannity is fond of “Let not your heart be troubled too”.

    • BosGrl

      Hannity’s heart is never troubled for the simple reason that he doesn’t have one.

      • leemoder

        …And he’s dumber than a box of hair.

  • schmannity

    I think he meant Matthew 21:2

    Saying unto them, Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied

  • Indivisible Snark Tank

    Given the fact that Little Marco is A Idiot, I interpret this as nothing more than wishful thinking on his part.

  • weejee

    My parents raised me with Catholicism and Calvinism (no not Hobbes buddy). After matriculating both and given their sekret handshakes I was allowed to choose. I picked Newton because I didn’t give a fig and it was the Lombardi years and the Pack was on on Sundays.

    • eka

      Congratulations on combining the two things I understand least (sports and religion) to make one of the most bewildering comments I’ve seen so far this year.

      • weejee

        Thanks, but don’t forget the fizzics too, also.

        • eka

          that was the part that made some sense to me. get rid of that and you might have the most confusing comment of all time.

        • eka

          also too ISWYDT with the newton/fig thing.

          • Amy!

            (that was the tricky part)

          • PubOption

            He’s a smart cookie.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    I felt safer in the thinking that tweeting random Bibble verses was just random. A coded BBC-style message to the Xtian Resistance is scarier. And not because of what God might do.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    People who really believe bullshit like this have no fucking business with their hands on the levers of power.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Or other people’s levers either

      • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

        The truly devout employ the “Dutch rudder” method.

  • schmannity

    Rubio continued to the intelligence community, citing Matthew 7:6, warning:

    Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast your pearls before swine,
    lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and tear you.

  • Ezio

    So he’s posting verses of scripture about Jesus trying to comfort his disciples before His death and comparing it to Donald Trump leaking information to a foreign power?

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Looks that way.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Okay that would sorta make sense.

  • Darlene Underdahl

    Trump will betray us but all will work in the end? Judas hung himself. Hmmm.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      It’s a question how much free will Judas had in the deal. Christ needed a rat to get his own self hung.

    • schmannity

      Forty pieces of emoluments.

    • LeftyProud

      Ok, I am being obtuse here since I am a heathen Atheist. Does Rubio think that Trump is planning all of this all along (ie. is the “jesus” in this scenario)? I am confused.

      • The Wanderer

        Pretty much. Basically, “Chill out, guys; Trump’s got this, even though you can’t see it.”

  • Carpe Vagenda

    I want to know who the off-camera woman on the NBC feed for the McMasters press conference who just said “I feel like it’s the worst. I wish I had a better attitude.” is.

    • weejee

      Rachel Maddow and she was in New York.

  • Ferroequinologist Ron

    Y’know, outside of Bizarro World, a pol tweeting what look like random Bibble verses would suggest that the fellas from Happy Valley might pay a visit soon. Just sayin’.

    • Thaumaturgist

      What i tell you is true. Penn State is in a valley in the mountains in the center of Pennsylvania. the valley is called “Happy Valley”

  • Nounverb911

    OT
    McMaster Shit Show to start in, well, now.

    https://twitter.com/markknoller/status/864502358004432896

    • boyblue122

      Rump didnt reveal classified info, because its no longer classified, period

      • Bobathonic

        It wasn’t really his to declassify. What happens with the next bit of juicy intel that Other Partner has, we may never know.

        PS Since it’s now Unclassified, will WE get to hear it?

        • boyblue122

          oh, we wont be getting any allied info, thats for sure. The US will be kept out of the loop

          • BrendaKay

            For the world’s sake, I hope you are right.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist
    • Chadwells

      Lily Tomlin libelz?

      • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

        HA!

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      “One day, I’m going to be a big boy, and I’m going to run for preznit, and people will like me, and say he’s a very smart boy, and maybe I’ll win and be preznit, unless Donnie runs, because Donnie’s a bully and he’s always mean to me. But I think I’ll win. And that’s the truth. Thbbbbbbrrrtbbbt!”

  • proudgrampa

    “…Catholicism, Baptist denominations and Mormonism, which incidentally is the same three religions in which my parents raised me!”

    Wow! No wonder you and I like martinis!

    • KillerMartinis

      So many reasons I drink

      • proudgrampa

        Really, it’s like you and I are twins separated at birth…

  • beingreleased

    I’m pretty sure he’ll be tweeting this one soon:
    “Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.” — Jonah 1:17

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    Seems low.

    NEW POLL: 48 percent of voters support impeaching Trump

    http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/333589-poll-42-percent-of-voters-support-impeaching-trump

  • Mpeg

    Aw, Li’l Marco just got what some call the zealously-fresh-off-a-rousing-good-bible-study-can-I-hear-an-Amen shine!!

  • Ezio

    Some Evangelical denominations claim that the Pope is going to hell.

    • C4TWOMAN

      They’re just jealous the Pope is rockin some awesome duds and bling.

    • coozledad

      Savaronola said the pope was going to hell, and he was as Catholic as a bear in the woods. Christianity foreshadowed nuclear fission by a couple thousand years.

      • The Wanderer

        Alexander VI wasn’t very happy with Girolamo.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    WTF happened to the separation of church and state? Did we just decide Pfft on that one?

    • Nounverb911
      • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

        Hands are too big.

    • Proud Liberal

      Why, yes, yes we did.

    • Anna Rompage

      That, along with a common sense of decency, all got flushed down the toilette when the GOP embraced the evangelical, and other conservative religious folks of this country…

    • C4TWOMAN

      Oh dear, that ship sailed sometime ago. Look up how we got “In God we Trust” printed on bills…

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Ohio’s state motto is “With God, All Things Are Possible”.

        Which clearly isn’t true because Kasich’s still Governor and a lot of people prayed for that not to happen.

    • jesterpunk

      Republicans have decided that means churches can interfere in politics but the government cant tell them anything.

  • Shoto

    Maybe Little Marco is pandering to the ultra-wingnut, Babby Jeezuz, fundie base in an effort to fortify that segment prior to his 2020 Preznit run.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Yes. This.

    • Ferroequinologist Ron

      I think it’s cute that he thinks Donnie (should he survive his own Presidency) will let anyone run against him.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Whenever a Dutch or any other European politician starts to get all biblical it pretty much means a marginal political career. In the US it seems it kick starts it and I seriously doubt there are more American politicans than Eruopeans who re truly depply religious.

    • vivian

      Depply religious? Nah, he’s really let himself go.

  • Anna Rompage

    Something, somewhere, by someone?

    My guess is that the clueless boy wonder is planning on throwing Donnie and the rest of the GOP a gigantic, fabulous, big, closeted gay white party…

  • C4TWOMAN

    Rubio is assuming left politicians aren’t familiar with the Bible. MANY people on the left who had religious backgrounds, especially gay men who came out late in life, are quite familiar with scripture, more so than the moral minority “values” casuals. A close friend of mine read the entire Bible and has a copy with the original Aramaic on the opposite page. It was very inconvenient for anyone who wanted to say “the Bible says X about the Geys”.
    It will get really interesting if someone on Twitter knows as much or more about Bible verses than Rubio and starts engaging him.

    • Ezio

      Also too that there are Christian LGBT folks.

      • C4TWOMAN

        True, but to engage this Bible slam stuff, you have to be a scholar of the work. Most Christians I know are lovely people, but I don’t know how they’d fair in a slam situation.

        I love Shakespeare, but I can’t “bard” for shite(“barding” is quoting verses off the top of your head, in context, in real time, with improv timing).

        • msanthropesmr

          Exit. Pursued by a bear

          • The Wanderer

            I laughed when someone wrote “Exit, pursued by an Urlacher.”

          • Querolous

            ♫The town that Billy Sunday couldn’t shut down♫

  • msanthropesmr

    “Do not worship at the altar of the orange haired shitgibbon.”

  • Old town Urbandale

    Playing “Coded Bible Verses” as a kid when you got bored in church? You’re so much more intellectual than my brother and me. We’d just each grab a hymnal and play “Between the Sheets.”

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Antonin Dvorak

      Some B&N employee’s entry into this year’s “Snarkiest Display” contest.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Oh, that is some admirable trolling in action.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Trolling is A Art.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      That’s even better than the time I relocated a horse-care manual to the erotica section.

      • The Wanderer

        BWAHAHAHA!

      • MynameisBlarney

        LOL

  • msanthropesmr

    “The teeth are like sheep fresh from the washing each with it’s twin”

  • LesBontemps

    Per teh Wonket style guide, it would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • Ferroequinologist Ron

      Less fun also too.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    KJV or quit, motherfuckers.

    Oxford annotated for me. But not sure which version that is. I just like the footnotes. [/laziest Bible nerd ever]

  • The Wanderer

    Permit me to share my favorite Bible verse.
    Isaiah 45:7:
    “I form the light, and create darkness; I make peace, and create evil; I, the Lord, do all these things.”
    Always made me question God’s motives.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Old Testament God is a real dick, always giving his Jews a hard time.

      • The Wanderer

        Yep.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Giving the Joos a hard time is what Evangelicals see in God.

    • Meccalopolis

      Something about the duality of man?

      • The Wanderer

        Manichaeanism, I believe. Basically that God and Satan are equal, if not two sides of the same coin.
        And yes, it’s very dualistic. We tend to anthropomorphize gods.

  • Ralph Gauer

    Can I just say: Genuinely groundbreaking analysis from Ms. Martinis. Is she right? No idea… but this is more informative than most of the stuff I heard this morning. But if this gets to the point of divination from innards, I am out.

    • KillerMartinis

      That’s scheduled for this afternoon. You’re fine.

      • Ralph Gauer

        However my terrier would be happy with some divine innards.

      • msanthropesmr

        I’m divining from my lunch of gallo pinto.

    • MynameisBlarney

      What about reading tea leaves?

    • The Wanderer

      “Morning! Can we have your liver, then?”

  • Ezio

    Friendly reminder that the closest thing this nation has ever had to a Christian President is the same guy that Republicans hate.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/467fd28adb6471a8a168f71f4f7943d6531a456d09337571a3c0a4cd8b112c86.jpg

  • OrdinaryJoe

    But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy
    closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray
    to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father
    which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
    Mathew 6:6

    Why does Jesus hate prayer in public schools?

    • Bobathonic

      Jesus started the War on Christianity.

    • msanthropesmr

      Same reason I do. It’s never about the praying, it’s just about the displaying.

      • jodyleek

        Amen.

    • Ezio

      Jesus also said in the Sermon on The Mount, “But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God’s throne…” thereby shutting down the concept of people “swearing on the Bible”.

      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        Jesus ALSO said, “Whatever you do to these, the least of my brothers, you do unto me.” Which means the fundigelicals should be in favor of feeding, housing, and clothing the poor.

        Jesus ALSO ALSO said, “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.” Which means all those tax cuts for the 1% are just sending them to hell.

  • jesterpunk

    Completely OT but this is a good song.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRvqdxlUhXc

  • Anna Elizabeth

    They shall come all for violence: their faces shall sup up as the east wind, and they shall gather the captivity of the sand.

  • Chadwells

    OT: Wait….what? WHAT? Is McTurtle high?

    “Mitch McConnell: I recommended Merrick Garland to be FBI chief”

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/05/16/politics/mitch-mcconnell-merrick-garland/index.html

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      It’s a sucker’s ruse. He just wants to appear nonpartisan while giving us a Hobb’s choice of either Trump’s handpicked stooge or losing Garland’s seat on the DC circuit.

      • Chadwells

        I can believe that! Garland already told him to kick rocks…he ain’t interested.

    • jesterpunk

      No, its a plot by the right to get Garland’s seat on the DC court so they can nominate a republican instead.

      • Chadwells

        Ok…phew….that makes a ton of sense! Garland isn’t doing it anyway….not interested.

        • therblig

          “Do I get an FBI hit squad to take out Gorsuch? No? Not interested, thanks.” – M. Garland (probably)

          • Chadwells

            HAH!

    • Meccalopolis

      BS trying to look reasonable as a diversion. Knows t rump will never pick garland

  • george gonzalez

    Is MArco going to wear a fuzzy wig and start showing up on camera at football games? Just Patriot games? I has a major confused.

  • IOnlyLikeCats
    • Antonin Dvorak

      That is seriously screwed up. Apparently, the “standard of an officer” is to shoot anyone who asks?

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        The standard of an officer is to shoot anyone vaguely not-white on sight.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Wow! So, yeah, punish the guy for restraint and let murderers rise in the ranks.

      OT, but that story about the Oregon man is seriously messed up!

  • MynameisBlarney
  • OrdinaryJoe

    None of this is normal. None of it.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    OT: Gallup poll … “Do you think marriages between same-sex couples should or should not be recognized by the law as valid, with the same rights as traditional marriages?” Should/not: 64/34. Highest acceptance I’ve seen.

    Pew has historical and cross-tabs from their surveys which show the rapid change in attitudes and differences by age, religion, politics, race.
    http://www.pewforum.org/2016/05/12/changing-attitudes-on-gay-marriage/

    • The Wanderer

      People have discovered that what two people who love each do will have zero net effect on them.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      That 30% is never going to change their minds. Never.

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        Yeah and it’s the same 30% that support the shitgibbon no matter what.

        • Swampgas_Man

          AND supported Dubya.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      To be fair, my marriage did suffer because of the gheys getting married. My best friend got married a few years ago, and I had to endure the longass trip, in the car, no less, with no real distractions. Just me and Lady J. Our marriage suffered because of that six hour road trip.

  • calliecallie

    Bible code works especially well because the only Bible verses Trump knows are those two Corinthians.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Two Corinthians walked into the Oval Office…..

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Corinthians are Russian?

        • OrdinaryJoe

          LOL. Trump must have misunderstood who they were….

      • calliecallie

        And Trump told them some state secrets after a photo op.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      I met two Corinthians once, It was at column convention, they were eying the Dorics, I was eyeing the Ionics.

  • canes_pugnaces

    Maybe Little Marco has decided his home is in Mormon ministry? Or the DMV? Certainly not investigating the orange traitor.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    I can’t be the only one filled with absolute blackening terror whenever my government starts waxing religious. It’s maybe how I was raised, with it on the front of my mind that Satan knows the Word and can quote the Gospels by heart. Maybe it’s the concept that the Antichrist will come draped the same way as fascism, with an American flag and ill intent.

    Either way, I’m too old and too damned tired to change my visceral reactions right now. This scares me, and i am good with that.

    • jodyleek

      Time to jump on the Buddha bandwagon and let go of attachments; like jobs, food, clothing, housing, a free country, etc.

  • Chris

    We need coded Firefly references at this point. Well this is going to get interesting. Define interesting. Oh god, oh god we are all going to die.
    I paraphrase of course with great apologies to Joss Whedon.

    • msanthropesmr

      The reavers we’re organized.

    • Ricky Gay

      Shiny!

    • MynameisBlarney

      I aim to misbehave.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.

    • Nockular cavity

      I don’t want to explode.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      “When I talk about belief, why do you always assume I’m talking about God?”

      • Chris

        I’m not often moved to thoughts of violence but killing off Book and Wash brought me close.

      • MynameisBlarney

        “And then I cried like a baby. A hungry, angry baby.”

      • Chris

        Everyone of these works beautifully.

    • MynameisBlarney
      • therblig

        Shepherd Book: [dying] I killed the ship that killed us. Not very Christian.

        Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You did what was right.

        Shepherd Book: Coming from you that means – almost nothing.
        [grin]

      • Chris

        OK, what yoyo dropped the candy wrapper?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Dear God,

    Please save this nation and this world from the wingnuts right now.

    Thank you and Amen,

    Resistance Fighter Callyson

    • msanthropesmr

      Preach sister. And God bless our intelligence agencies. May they leak like a Moscow hooker.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Dear Lard,

      Your followers are slack-jawed morons with guns.
      Can you hurry the fuck up with that damn rapture thing they keep yammerin’ on about?

      Sincerely,

      A pissed off critical thinking atheist.

      • eyelashviper

        Ramen!

        • chimichanga

          Fellow Pastafarian here!

          • eyelashviper

            Blessed be the Holy Colander, and Sacred Chianti, parmesan, and marinara…

      • SweetDeeKat

        Can’t wait to grab the wallets from the empty clothes on the street. Signed, One of the Damned.

        • MynameisBlarney

          All the free cars and McMansions.

  • Chadwells

    So….. I’m starting to dig the idea of a Purge.

  • coozledad

    Here is my piece, the piece of which I give to the Scythians, that they may roger my hole. Thirty talents, please.

  • Ricky Gay

    Marco tied his ass to a tree and walked forty miles.

    • The Wanderer

      Balaam libel.

      • msanthropesmr

        Whoa black betty

        • Roadstergal

          I’m in such a shitty spot with recent politics that this post is amusing me beyond all work-appropriateness. I keep singing “Whoa, Black Betty, Balaam” and giggling hopelessly.

          • msanthropesmr

            Glad to be of assistance.

          • Bobathonic

            I like the variation using “ambulance”.

          • Roadstergal

            Amber lamps!

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Bam balaam

      • Ricky Gay

        Baal of Moab. Mother of all bombs–OMG!!!

        • The Wanderer

          The FOAB met the MOAB, and they had a whole bunch of little bomblets.

          • Ricky Gay

            Nell was their favorite. (Short for Shrapnel)

  • Chadwells

    We need to cull the herd a bit. This is getting out of hand.

    • Mad Dictator Disease.

      • therblig

        Tiny Hoof and Anusmouth Disease

  • diogeneslamp0

    “is the same three religions” These mistakes is the ones that is making me crazy.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    Yeah, I’m going to go with the usual reason one cites a Bible verse: you have something you want to do, but don’t want to seem like you’re an asshole while doing it.

    In this instance, that phrase looks like an excuse to ignore Trump’s bullshit since the GOP/God still has uses for him.

    • KillerMartinis

      This seems more likely but less fun.

    • David Chaillou

      Sorry to take the magic out of today’s universe, but John 14, 27 is just the opening verse of today’s gospel in the Catholic liturgy.

      • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

        Well goddurnit they’re changing too much for a man to keep up. Back in my day we didn’t have none of this “and with your spirit” nonsense.

        • dominus vobiscum
          et cum spiritum tuo
          won’t you eat my sleazy pancakes
          just for saintly Alfonso

      • Lamashtar

        How does the second verse factor in?

        • David Chaillou

          There is only one verse in Mario’s tweet. A verse can be more than one sentence.

          • Lamashtar

            No, the article says there was a second tweet. Proverbs 16:3-4

          • David Chaillou

            DK. It may be in the liturgy of hours though.

  • A King has the ‘absolute right’ to do any goddamn thing he wants to.
    https://media.giphy.com/media/1dLuQ7C54cwGk/giphy.gif

  • HazooToo

    Because MARCO RUBIO is the exact person I would trust to have anything planned that would actually benefit America in any way, or to even be read into said plan. I really hope he’s just being stupid and comparing Trump to Jesus.

  • WiscoJoe

    So is Trump supposed be Jesus or Judas in this analogy? Or maybe it’s more like the classic fundamentalist school of thought that says no matter what Republicans do, no matter how big the betrayal, it’s all part of God’s plan to “save” America, so don’t worry.

  • msanthropesmr

    “and the Lord said: ‘drink some water, you look thirsty, and try not to flop sweat so much'”

    • Roadstergal

      “And Jesus said unto Marco, “Grow a goddam spine and do something good for once, there’s an apocalyptic man-child in the presidency.” And lo, Marco was sore confused.”

  • jakibro

    Yes…well…I come from a varied religious background as well. Marco has proven beyond a religious shadow he is GOP owned and will not go against their “bible verses”. Those verses say to me exactly what his position has been all along. I would love to be wrong.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    “Do you know what a cull is, ma’am? A cull is a specimen that is so worthless that you have to cut him out of the herd. Now if all the people in the world were put in one herd, Cuthbert Rubio is the one I would throw a rope at.”

    • The Wanderer

      John Wayne, McLintock

  • Roadstergal

    “Or possibly dude just got weirdly religious all of a sudden.”

    All of a sudden? He’s been weirdly religious for quite some time.

  • Occam’s 8 ball

    KJV or GTFO

  • calliecallie

    This has always been my most memorable Bible thing (KJV, for killermartinis): “And whoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when you depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.” Matthew 10:14

    (Except I learned it as “shake the dust from your sandals” which I can’t find anywhere. And doing a little more research today, I realize maybe the Bible interpretation of this is not something I want to endorse: “In Biblical times, when leaving Gentile cities, pious Jews often shook the dust from their feet to show their separation from Gentile practices. If the disciples shook the dust of a Jewish town from their feet, it would show their separation from Jews who rejected their Messiah.”)
    But really, who among us has not walked down a dusty road in sandals and later had to shake the dust off? I guess that’s why it was so meaningful to me when I was younger. And as I got older it was more like, if they won’t listen to me, take my advice, whatever, then I shake the dust from my sandals and move on. Not so much about Jesus, but in general.
    Anyway, secret Bible code seems kind of a cool thing to have in one’s repertoire. Wouldn’t want to have all the churching in my youth to garner that wisdom, however.

    • The Wanderer

      When my church’s youth pastor told me I was going to Hell (after only 45 minutes’ observation), I walked out of the church, took my shoes and knocked them together before putting them back on. I’ve never been back since.

      • calliecallie

        Dude, that is an awesome story! Good for you.

  • wait! what?

    It’s time to worry when he tweets “After the Goldrush” lyrics:

    Well, I dreamed I saw the silver
    Space ships flying
    In the yellow haze of the sun,
    There were children crying
    And colors flying
    All around the chosen ones.
    All in a dream, all in a dream
    The loading had begun.
    They were flying Mother Nature’s
    Silver seed to a new home in the sun.
    Flying Mother Nature’s
    Silver seed to a new home.

  • anon_the_great

    On the plus side; Lil Marco isn’t tweeting snippets of Revelations.

    • eyelashviper

      Yet…

  • boyblue122

    OT – a little off topic reading

    FBI training slides on how to spot a potential leaker

    According to the training material, potential insider threats include federal employees who brag about what they know, work odd hours, travel overseas without a good reason, or ask their co-workers about classified information without a “need to know.” Workers who consume alcohol, use drugs or have “psychological conditions” may also be insider threats , as are those facing disciplinary action or job termination.

    Another slide says leaks occur because leakers are “disgruntled” and are motivated by “ego,”

    Its almost as if they are describing a certain person

    • eyelashviper

      Sounds like the entire Shitgibbon Administration, along with the Goper Congress.

    • Bobathonic

      Unexplained wealth is another indicator.

      • boyblue122

        release the tax returns

      • Msgr_MΩment

        You mean, like, without any tax documents?

  • I get it.

    Rubio is trying to say that despite all of the crazy coming out of the White House, that everything will be okay because God is in ultimate control and is just using Trump for some purpose.

    Unfortunately for me, I’ve read all of the bible, so I’m painfully aware that if God is as the Old Testament presents him, that sometimes God uses bad leaders in order to bring a country to utter ruin (famine, disease, cannibalism) because God is cheesed off at them for their religious choices.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Yes yes, but that was back in the old days. It’s all divine rainbows and holy unicorns now.

      • The Wanderer

        The Invisible Pink Unicorn tap you with Her transcendent hooves.

    • jodyleek

      Or, he just floods the whole goddamned place and kills everyone except a drunk on boat with a bunch of critters. But remember, God is pro-life, just like the sign says! Pffft!

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Thanks Killer.
    My favorite use of Bible verses is some combination that tells you how to bake a cake. Or loaves. Something like that.

    • wait! what?

      I hear Corinthian game hens are quite tasty.

      • Bozilingus

        2 per serving.

        • eyelashviper

          And Apple pie, fresh from the Garden of Eden..

  • The Wanderer

    “. . . And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, “O LORD, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.” And the LORD did grin . . . ”
    Book of Armaments, 2:9-21

    • Bobathonic

      one, two, FIVE!

      • The Wanderer

        THREE, Sir!

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      “…lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.”

      • Opiwan

        Nobody wants to get into the fruit bats and the breakfast cereals???

        • Naytch

          Skip a bit, Brother…

  • wait! what?

    Joseph Smith’s creation of the book of Mormon and Donald’s chicanery have one thing in common:

    https://youtu.be/XI7FoCHJ01k

  • Roadstergal

    What’s funny (not funny) is that Trump perfectly embodies the Seven Deadly Sins.

    • Bozilingus

      Is ignorance one of them?

      • NastyBossetti

        No, that’s a virtue.

      • The Wanderer

        I don’t think he’s smart enough to be ignorant.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Good lord, he does, doesn’t he. Some might argue about ‘sloth’, what with his obvious drive for power and wealth, but with all this golf lately…

      • Roadstergal

        He has a drive for power and wealth, but he’s always looking for the easy way to go about it, the shortcuts. He can’t be arsed to work for it.
        Lust – check (ugh)
        Gluttony – check
        Greed – check
        Sloth – check
        Wrath – boy howdy check
        Envy – it’s a major motivator
        Pride – check

        Or, to put it in the KJV:
        “These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:
        A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,
        An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief,
        A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.”

        • kareemachan

          I am so borrowing this.

      • PubOption

        He only has a certain amount of stored energy, and won’t expend it on things like exercise. Sounds pretty slothful to me.

  • Mavenmaven

    …upon his horny face he wore ten crowns, and upon his head the name of blasphemy…his feet were as the feet of a Russian bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a liar: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority to grab whatever pussy he wished….

  • eyelashviper

    Maybe lil Marco will take a walk on the water, to prove his faith, and lo, the sharks were filled with jubilation and the tatters of a cheap suit.

  • The Wanderer

    “‘And it came to pass that Saint Victor was taken from this place
    to another place. Where he was lain upon pillows of silk and made
    to rest himself amongst sheets of muslin and velvet.

    And there stroked was he by maidens of the Orient.

    For sixteen days and nights stroked they him, yea verily and
    caressed him. His hair, ruffled they. And their fingers rubbethed
    they in oil of olives, and runneth them across all parts of his body
    for as much as to soothe him.

    And the soles of his feet licked they. And the upper parts of
    his thigh did they anoint with the balm of forbidden trees.

    And with the teeth of their mouths, nibbleth they the pointed
    bits at the top of his ears. Yea verily, and did their tongues thereof
    make themselves acquainted with his most secret places.

    For fifteen days and nights did Victor withstand these maidens. But on the
    16th day he cried out, saying:

    ‘This is fantastic! Oh, this is terrific!!’

    And the Lord did hear the cry of Victor. And verily came He down
    and slew the maidens. And caused their cottonwool bugs to blow away,
    and their Kleenex to be laid waste utterly.

    And Victor, in his anguish, cried out that the Lord was a rotten
    bastard.

    And the Lord sent an angel to comfort Victor for the weekend.

    And entered they together the jaccuzzi.’

    Here endeth the lesson.”
    – “The Temptation of Saint Victor,” from The Sex Lives of the Saints by Montague Pitao.

  • wait! what?

    How long before Marco uses this for his theme song?

    https://youtu.be/k9IfHDi-2EA

    • ExecutorElassus

      ohgod, PLEASE somebody on the Internet cut a slow-mo montage of all the inevitable footage of That Asshole as he gets perp-walked into Congress to face his impeachment proceedings to THIS VERY SONG.

  • azeyote

    well his plans of being the big president didn’t work out – maybe he’s the exception that proves the rule, but i would go with the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry

    • The Wanderer

      Pfft. With Rubio, there was literally no ‘there’ there.

  • unionthuggery

    And lo the Lord spake unto the many gathered the before him, they being money changers, debt collectors, and Republicans, and sayeth unto them, “go forth upon thy horses and rideth them unto the gates of Jerusalem. Whence thou hast arrived, thyself shall ye know carnally, and thine horses that ye rideth upon shall ye know as well.” Amen

    • BearGHAZI

      But the Republicans, disobeying their Lord, became petulant, whining “but how to we grift these horse penises?”

      • unionthuggery

        “yea, thou shalt liberally apply butter, or oil and prepareth thine yawning bodily chasms to receive the blessing of thine steeds even unto the very bowels of thine spirit. For be not thou Republicans? Verily, thy spirit is made of naught but bowels.”

  • Bozilingus
  • timpundit

    This is very probably the very last thing I am interested in that doesn’t involve millionaires engaged in sportsball.

  • BearGHAZI

    “And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.” (Rev 13:1-2)

    So chill out, people

    • Opiwan

      I want some of whatever that author was on when he “saw” that

      • Gigglesnort

        It was some heavy shit, that is for sure.

      • PubOption

        Those mushrooms in Galilee, man…

  • natoslug

    I usually slept through Elder’s Quorum, and was banished by my wife during Fast & Testimony because I would giggle uncontrollably at the supposed minor miracles that would occur when you really believed hard and paid a little extra tithing, so all I can remember to say to Li’l Marco is “O be wise; what can I say more?”

    • KillerMartinis

      OK but here’s the real test: can you stop yourself from completing the following lyric in your head?

      come, come ye saints, no toil nor labor fear/ but

      • natoslug

        Okay, there are reasons I introduced my wife to the demon rum, and let her know that there was porn on the interwebz, and not having to listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir ever again was one of them.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Edit: Sorry, OT. Just really angry today.
    I’m just not buying “the President can declassify stuff” excuse. Sure, maybe OUR secrets. But not our allies’ secrets that were given to us in trust. Also too, THE FUCKER MAY HAVE GOTTEN SOMEONE KILLED!

    • chicken thief

      It was likely a poor brown person so broken eggs… cake…

    • Old town Urbandale

      So….

      “Trump blamed, someone got slabbed.”

  • onedollarjuana

    Wait. Wait. Does mean Trump is really Jeebus?

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      The Anti Jeebus.

  • lroom

    Jared’s got property at 666 Park Ave. Just sayin’.

    • Yr. Gma

      Yeah, but Jewishes don’t care since the mark of the beast is a New Testament thing.

  • OddMan
  • leemoder

    Nah, that second quote is just saying “Don’t worry your pathetic little melon over anything. The fix is in and you don’t have a ticket for this ride.”

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    It twitter Revelations. It can mean whatever you want it to mean as long as it means the world is about to end because the bear (Russia) is fucking the seven headed beast (Israel? USA? NWO? Who the hell knows?).

  • Red Bird Ω

    The only way to tell is to find out who the tweets were meant for. Was anyone sub tweeting bible passages TO little Marco?

  • OddMan

    The heavens declare the glory of the Bomb, and the firmament showeth His handiwork.
    His sound has gone out unto all the land. And his light unto the end of the world.
    He descendeth from the outermost part of heaven, and there is nothing hid from the heat thereof. There is neither speech nor language, yet His voice is heard among them.
    Glory be to the Bomb and to the holy fallout as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end.
    Almighty and everlasting Bomb, who came down among us to make heaven under Earth, lighten our darkness. Oh Instrument of God, grant us Thy peace.
    Almighty Bomb Who destroyed all devils And created angels Behold His glory
    Behold the truth that abides in us. Reveal that truth unto that Maker.

    The End

    • Cool_North

      Literally.

  • Cool_North

    So, are you saying he’s LEAKING in code??

  • Yr. Gma

    My father spoke in scripture. But he just said the citation part, not the verse itself. His favorite was Romans 6:23. (I know my KJV.)

  • Rickyphoo

    Mario does realize that the various parts of the bible was written by a bunch of Stone Age sheep herders hundreds of years after Jebus shuffled off this mortal coil. Then put together by a committee somewhere in the 5th century who like one group of scrolls but not others because they did say what they wanted to hear.

    The bible is like a huge version of the Telephone Game.

    • Trip Space-Parasite

      Solidly Iron Age, actually but your conclusion is still sound.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    “The kid version is when you’re stuck in church and you can’t talk or pass notes unless they are pursuant to holiness, you find Bible verses to trade and you have a conversation that way.”

    Gosh, you Protestant kids had way more fun in church than I did as a little Catholic kid 60 years ago before Vatican II. The Bible we had was in Latin and we weren’t allowed to read it (reading it was a sin), so we didn’t get to trade Bible verses to entertain ourselves, we just had to sit absolutely still, which is hard to do for an hour when you are 3 or 4 or 5 years old, and look as if we were paying attention while unintelligible words were spoken by men in dresses who were playing a game with pretty goblets and discs of white glue. I think they invented the Rosary so people had something to do during Mass while simultaneously looking holy. It got better after Vatican II, but not significantly. After Mass we got 45 minutes of Catechism class in which ancient nuns with mustaches who hated children lectured us on sin and sacrifice, and how the first one made Jesus’ wounds on the cross bleed afresh and stabbed Mary’s heart with a sword (color illustrations), and the second one shortened our time in Purgatory from 157,395 years to 17,874 years. We were little kids, and the 364 days until the next Christmas was an eternity, so you can imagine what 157,395 years in Purgatory sounded like.

    I used to sit in church and mentally calculate how many more times I had to endure this until I was old enough to tell them to fuck off and I could quit going (somewhere around age 21, I figured), which was when I learned that basic math actually does have a useful purpose in life.

  • chicken thief

    I figured out the second one. He’s cutting in line at the Congressional dining room because they are running low on the meatloaf today.

    • Chris

      Did the cafeterias go back to meatloaf after Pelosi arugula and yogurted all over them during her tenure as Speaker?

  • NerdWithNoName

    Jeremiah 25:27 King James Version (KJV)
    Drink ye, and be drunken, and spue, and fall, and rise no more.

    Habakkuk 2:16 King James Version (KJV)
    Thou art filled with shame for glory: drink thou also, and let thy foreskin be uncovered: the cup of the Lord’s right hand shall be turned unto thee, and shameful spewing shall be on thy glory.

    Hey, this game is fun!

    • Bitter Scribe

      No fair going Old Testament.

  • William
    • NerdWithNoName

      I’ve got an 1889 dollar coin that says “In God we trust” just over the eagle’s head. Marco is still a nincompoop though.

      • Jennifer R

        Eh, the picture should have said “added to the pledge”.

        • Zyxomma

          I thought that happened in 1954.

          • Will Smirk 4 Food

            It was added to coins during the Civil War, and paper currency in 1954.

  • chicken thief

    Little Marco leaking on the Preznit ain’t cool, I tell ya – Russian pee hooker leaking or GTFO!!!!!

  • Courser_Resistance

    Well, yeah, we did that in Missouri-Synod Lutheran youth crap, too. I carried the skill into college without the bible part until one day I had a coded conversation with an acquaintance that left me with absolutely zero clue as to what we’d been talking about for 20 fucking minutes.

    • cmd resistor

      Ah, the good old Missouri-Synod.

      • Spurning Beer

        You misspelled “misery.”

  • David Chaillou

    Just saying, John 14, 27 is simply the first verse of today’s gospel in the liturgy of the Catholic Church (John 14, 27-31a). So I wouldn’t read too much secret stuff in it.

    Let’s leave the “connect the dots” approach to the tweedledees at Breitbart.

    • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

      C’mon now, don’t be a killjoy! There are dots, so connect them! The lines don’t even have to be straight!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Check out Malachi 3:5 and most of Ezekiel if you want to see what the Lord thinks of Donald Trump. (Spoiler- not much)

  • Obvs the last bit is telling GOPers to chill the fuck out, Don’s Con is part of the game and the powers that be are on this.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Meh. I’ll stick with Nostradamus myself.

  • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

    I wonder who is giving the verses, because we know that the GOP knows fuck-all about the Bible.

  • Are we certain he isn’t just saying that President Trump is God’s will, so we should all just lie back and think of sweet Armageddon?

  • Poly_Ester

    Well, Marco’s plans to be President certainly succeeded.

    OT but several years ago a wingnut acquaintance started referring to Rubio as Mark because he hated Hispanics so much but still wanted Marco to be Pres.

  • medcannabis1

    drip drip drip.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Everything I know about Jesus I learned from Jesus Christ Superstar. And a couple of National Geographic documentaries.

    • honeywest

      Can sing that one beginning to end. Did you see, I waived?

  • ken_kukec

    “… Catholicism, Baptist denominations and Mormonism, which incidentally is the same three religions in which my parents raised me!”

    So magic underwear you refuse to remove for any but marital procreative purposes, and even then you feel guilty?

  • whitroth

    That almost sounds like Rubio is foreshadowing a bill of impeachment….

    And hey, KM, you should buy some hornes, like these. Then you can have great fun freaking out your friends…

    https://www.etsy.com/listing/499830558/cosplay-latex-horns-demon-prosthetic?&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_e-accessories-costume_accessories-masks_and_prosthetics&utm_custom1=39350baf-8002-6a28-ca29-00004cdffd07&gclid=COT7i5aX9dMCFcxXDQod7wIF0Q

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler.

    — Proverbs 20:19

    • hvdv

      Just want you to know I stole this one for my daily postcard to the White House. Thanks.

  • JParkerSD46

    Right back at ya Marco: “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’” Matthew 25:40. Maybe you and your Regressive Party Christian pals should keep that in mind while you screw over the poor, immigrants, or just about anyone who isn’t just like you or can’t afford to bribe you.

    • Bemused

      But they don’t like that verse. They mostly like Revelations and the Parable of the Talents (and a few things from Paul)

      • SisterArtemis

        Paul sucks.
        This, btw, summarizes much of my hatred for conservative Christianity

        • javadavis

          Wasn’t that the problem with Paul, anyway? I mean, not so much that he sucked (which should be totally OK as long as it is consensual) but that he thought that women were icky. So, sucks to be a woman, per Paul, too bad about that whole ‘you’ll never get into heaven without a penis’ thing.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I was raised Catholic. We’re pretty straightforward. The Pope talks to God, God tells him what’s what, and the Pope passes that along to the rest of us. It’s like the shortest game of Telephone ever.

    • Ducksworthy

      Except for fundamentalists and other lunatics (Looking at you Pat Robertson). God talks to them directly and they bellow out his instructions to the rest of us on TV or on inner city street corners.

  • SisterArtemis

    “KJV or quit, motherfuckers”

    I need this on a bumpersticker

  • calliecallie

    Here’s a Xtian Code question for you. They were “assessing” my 92 year old mom for her new place in assisted living, and this woman kept going on and on about whether my mother could wash her own feet, or would she need someone else to wash her feet. It was bizarre. Finally, mr. cc said something about not washing his feet, but maybe that’s a guy thing, and we all laughed. I was wondering if maybe the foot washing was some kind of Xtian code. Wait until they find out she got kicked out of Catholic school as a girl!

  • Ducksworthy

    My beloved mother used to sometimes talk like the Rubio Tweets. Then we’d convince her to take her Thorazine and she’d stop for awhile.

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