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OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.

What the fuck is WRONG with Donald Trump?

What the hell is he talking about? Besides how Donald Trump is a barely literate hamster pube who doesn’t understand that “random” words “don’t” require “quotation” marks, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM?

Trump is obviously referring to a story in the New York Times last night where “sources,” some of whom are probably James Comey, his wife, or his freakishly adorable dachshund, described the dinner Comey and Trump shared after the inauguration. Trump told NBC’s Lester Holt that Comey requested the dinner, but the Times corrects that lie, reporting that Trump summoned Comey to the White House for dinner in January for a meal that probably included grown-up food for the former FBI director, and burned steak with two scoops of ice cream on top for the pussy-grabbing child dictator. At that dinner, according to “sources,” Trump demanded loyalty from Comey, because Trump is so fucking stupid he doesn’t know how the job of “FBI director” actually works:

As they ate, the president and Mr. Comey made small talk about the election and the crowd sizes at Mr. Trump’s rallies.

Because the president is an insecure pussy, and apparently that’s what you have to talk about when you are in his sad, pathetic presence.

The president then turned the conversation to whether Mr. Comey would pledge his loyalty to him.

Mr. Comey declined to make that pledge. Instead, Mr. Comey has recounted to others, he told Mr. Trump that he would always be honest with him, but that he was not “reliable” in the conventional political sense. […]

By Mr. Comey’s account, his answer to Mr. Trump’s initial question apparently did not satisfy the president, the associates said. Later in the dinner, Mr. Trump again said to Mr. Comey that he needed his loyalty.

Mr. Comey again replied that he would give him “honesty” and did not pledge his loyalty, according to the account of the conversation.

But Mr. Trump pressed him on whether it would be “honest loyalty.” “You will have that,” Mr. Comey told his associates he responded.

We are sadly not surprised that authoritarian loser bag of anthropomorphic ferret dicks Donald Trump tried to get the FBI director to pledge his “loyalty.”

Donald Trump has been lying and saying that Comey assured him multiple times that he wasn’t under investigation, but NBC, which also reported on that dinner, corrects the record:

The January dinner meeting between the two men, the sources said, was requested by the White House. And the former senior FBI official said Comey would never have told the president he was not under investigation — also contradicting what Trump said.

“He tried to stay away from it [the Russian-ties investigation],” said the former official, who worked closely with Comey and keeps in touch with him. “He would say, ‘look sir, I really can’t get into it, and you don’t want me to.'” […]

“The president is not correct,” the former official said. “The White House called him out of the blue. Comey didn’t want to do it. He didn’t even want the rank and file at the FBI to know about it.”

And for failing to make out with Donald Trump’s taint, James Comey was fired.

In his interview with Lester Holt, Donald Trump confessed to obstructing justice, admitting he fired Comey because he wants the Russia investigation to go away. Here is the full quote:

“I was going to fire Comey knowing there’s no good time to do it. And in fact when I decided to just do it, I said to myself, I said, ‘you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story, it’s an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should have won.'”

As you read this account from the New York Times and the threatening tweet pasted above, you might be thinking Donald Trump is very Nixonian. Wonkette can exclusively report that Trump is way fucking stupider than Richard Nixon, in that he says VERY LOUDLY all the things he’s supposed to be “shhhhhh” about.

We have one more question about the tweet above, and it is WHAT THE HELL IS DONALD TRUMP EVEN TALKING ABOUT? Does he mean to suggest he wraps his tiny hands around his “Walkman” and “records” his “conversations” with “people” at the “White House”? Or did he actually mean to put “tapes” in quotes, kind of like how the “tape” that may or may not exist, of Donald Trump gleefully jizzing himself while he watches Russian pee hookers pee on things, is probably not a literal VHS “tape,” but more like a “DVD” or a “laser disc” or an “unembeddable video from Mediaite because Mediaite is a dick who doesn’t like to share”? We are just asking.

Trump really pissed the FBI off by firing Comey. Now, by threatening Comey on Twitter, you can be certain the rank-and-file of the FBI is even more pissed off than it was yesterday, and they will most certainly do what they can to repay Donald Trump “IN KIND,” as an FBI official said this week. How might they do that? Vox has a fun ‘splainer about that, which you may read by clicking here!

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[New York Times / NBC]

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  • Proud Liberal

    This, boys and girls, is what we call “mafia-style” presidenting.

    • msanthropesmr

      At least the mafia gets things done.

      • arglebargle

        And generally doesn’t shout their felonies from the rooftops.

      • Claire

        The city I grew up in was pretty mobbed up. If they did things more nefarious than running fair-to-good restaurants, they didn’t see fit to inflict it on the rest of us. Mafia 1, Trump 0.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Mafia is MUCH more competent, but the organization is much the same.

    • FlownΩver

      Mafia LIBELZ!!1!!1!1

    • OneYieldRegular

      I said to my arthritic mother when she insisted that a full glass of gin with nine raisins in it was a reputable treatment that she could probably omit the raisins. Similarly, I think you can probably omit “-style” here.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • msanthropesmr

    This is insane.

    • Proud Liberal

      Aaaand. Nobody with any power to do so is doing anything. We’re fucked.

  • FlownΩver

    I’m guessing the sudden emergence of a latter-day Alexander Butterfield would actually be Trump’s worst fucking nightmare.

  • msanthropesmr

    Dear FBI and CIA and NSA. If we ever needed your underhanded ratfuckery, we need it now.

    • grindstone

      When the spooks are our hope for retaining the republic, we are indeed fucked.

      • Roadstergal

        Was this your _first_ clue that we were fucked?

        • grindstone

          This is a pretty resilient country, IMO. When folks were saying our democracy was dead, I took that as hyperbole. After all, the right collectively shat their pants when Obama won (twice). The day to day of most citizens’ lives just goes on, better, worse, or the same. We eat, sleep, work, go to school, get on with life.

          But our hope for a special prosecutor on this will go nowhere, because there are no heroes in the Republican party. No, not one. Congress will continue their rain of legislative hellfire while Rome burns. Unfortunately, to further torture this metaphor, the volunteer firemen are wearing Russian uniforms. By the time the Republicans realize that we’ve been overthrown, it will be far too late.

          Pinning our hopes on the intelligence community is honestly a last ditch effort. All this to say yes, I was optimistic that either the shitgibbon had enough seasoned people around him to make him appear like an actual elected official, or he would be gone by now. Instead we have Russian electronics in the oval office, Fox News as a mandatory broadcast, an unhinged ruler who demands “loyalty” and no one who seems to be able or even willing to stop this luge ride to oblivion.

          • Lamashtar

            I think it could get worse. There’s people on the right and left who are both delighted at the idea of violent rebellion against an Evil Government. The day we rely on them is when we’re French Terror fucked.

  • onedollarjuana

    And Nixon could play the hell out of the piano. I’m thinking the only thing Trump plays is the “piccolo”.

    • Me not sure

      Perfect for tiny hands?

      • beatbort

        Do you mean the skin flute?

        • Me not sure

          Can he make it tweet?

  • Me not sure

    Tape away Donnie! Nobody ever thought of that before!

  • jesuswasablack
    • Vincent Ricola

      She’s hosting snl this weekend. It will be fun.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Wait, that’s really her? Cause I was just joking up thread.

  • Slithytoves

    The morning after the election I texted a dear friend: “I don’t know how I can live with this.” I still don’t know. Thanks for keeping me sane you wonkers.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • memzilla Ω

    I’m sure that Spicey Replacement Sarah “Ratty Cardigan” Huckabee can defend this behavior!
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/42231009a0f6b8ccd5e6be492f0eeda4f99116daa68ba2e5c3633df167ee1ffa.jpg
    Oops, maybe not.

  • beatbort

    When they write the epic song about this tragicomic moment in American history, the last line of the chorus should be, “And Sean Spicer, he was hiding in the Bushes.”

  • Vincent Ricola

    You must declare total loyalty to King Joffrey Trump or face the wrath of the recordings that he made on his phone that was hidden in his pocket the whole time!

  • Michael Smith

    If Nixon had Twitter he would have tweeted things about how proud he is of the U.S. of A., and the soldier and police etc., and how they deserve our respect and gratitude. Probably tweeted pics of himself with Ike and with Vietnam soldiers, probably retweeted a lot of stories about Vietnam soldiers helping to build schools and hospitals in their time off.

    He would have left threatening opponents and sabotaging investigations to the people behind the scenes.

    • DrBigHead

      That is because for all his faults, Nixon was not a stupid man, unlike the current occupant.

    • Nockular cavity

      “Henry, how can I use this goddam Twitter thing against the fucking hippies and the goddamned New York Times?”

      • Michael Smith

        “Vell.. ahem.. the people may find it – yes may find it distasteful”

        “Well, surely, you can [inaudble] an account that can’t be, you know, can’t be traced back, and use that one for, some, embellishments, just -”

        “Sure, yes. Ve can look into that.”

        “Good. The goddamn Times has it coming. They know they have it coming.”

    • Pre-existing Ugly Dude

      Funny videos of Checkers also too

      • Michael Smith

        Oh absolutely.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Jesus breakdancing Christ…that sounds like a meal at a Burger King with an exCEEDingly needy toddler who’s dad is your boss. Fuck me.

  • lucidamente

    “Donald Trump better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations.” —Vladimir Putin

    • Roadstergal

      Like Putin doesn’t have all of those tapes.

  • Scooby

    The one who sets up the meeting is the traitor.

  • memzilla Ω
  • Msgr_MΩment

    Trump Dinner: He Moved On Comey Like A Bitch, But He Couldn’t Get There!

    “NO PUSSY! NO PUSSY! YOU’RE THE PUSSY!”

    • Ricky Gay

      He should have used more tic tact.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Yeah. Right now he has the stench of new_roses.

    • If Trump moved on Comey like a bitch does that mean that Trump crouched down with his ass in the air and waited for Comey to mount him?

      I’ll go and get my brain bleach

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        Bring enough for everyone!

  • WiscoJoe

    Theoretical: Does this open the White House to an FOIA to get access to any recorded conversations between Trump and Comey? Trump has publicly discussed contents of that conversation. He now seemingly admits that there is a record of that conversation. It seems an FOIA should apply to at least the parts of the record that the President has already determined is in the public interest.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Donny learns that Comey will not swear his allegiance and loyalty ONLY to him.
    ~clutch the pearls!~

    http://img.huffingtonpost.com/asset/,scalefit_600_noupscale/576ac0c81500002f001baccf.jpeg

  • ariel_gee_398

    Patriotism, how does it even work, pt. infinity.

  • Certified Green Bastard

    T: can I haz loyalty?

    C: no. Honesty.

    T: okay. But can I haz loyalty?

    C: no. Honesty.

    T: … can I haz “honestloyalty”?

    C: … Sure.

    T: woooooooo! I win again!

  • memzilla Ω
    • Tiny kaiju

      It’s turtles all the way up (and sideways).

  • exinkwretch

    I suspect the dead badger on top of the orange shitgibbon’s head will be prominently displayed in the FBI trophy room shortly.

  • Stulexington

    “How dare you! You come into my house …”
    “Your goons dragged me here.”
    “And you disrespect me by not fulfilling a simple request.”
    “You could go to prison just for asking, and I definitely would if I agreed!”

  • MynameisBlarney

    So…all the fucked shit going on in the WH aside…
    I’m really fucking irritated that I’m not at home, binge watching Sense8 right now.
    Goddamn job…

    • dslindc

      And Sense8 is soooo good!

    • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

      Oh great, is the 2nd season out now?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Yes, but I’m still on the 1st season.

  • anon_the_great

    Even if Comey did everything Lord Dampnut claims, it changes nothing. There still is a criminal investigation into Donald J Trump’s campaign, his advisors and his family. The stupid, senile old man admitted to criminal acts on national TV and gained NOTHING. Now that’s what I call too much winning

  • Ricky Gay

    I will dance in the street when POTUS goes down. But I want so much more. I want complete humiliation of Mitch Mc. Is that too much to ask?

    • Annie Jomes

      It’s what I want, too, so I’m gonna say “Heck no, that’s not too much to ask!” That fucker needs to go down. Traitorous scumbags, the Congressional Repubs.

  • anwisok

    “The president then turned the conversation to whether Mr. Comey would pledge his loyalty to him.”

    Gee, who else demanded personal loyalty oaths from “public servants”?

  • memzilla Ω
  • MynameisBlarney
  • schmannity

    When Trump says Russia is

    “an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should have won.’”

    he is too self-absorbed and stupid to realize that it means that under most circumstances “A Democrat” on the ballot would have beaten the bloated Orange Treasonist.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • dslindc

    It’s definitely time for Melon to come get her husband and have him committed. There is nothing right going on inside that orange head of his.

  • doggiedaddy

    gOOD God I hoPe there are tapes!!
    He is dumb enough to record his threats?

    Just throw him out on his ass now.
    Just make sure he didn’t take the china, or bed linen or paintings or lamps and table and and and…with him.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    I apologize for losing my temper, and for scaring everyone.

    Nothing makes the pain and fear stop anymore. Every moment feels like waiting for Dad to open my bedroom door, and the old white men staring at me everyday feels like a threat.

    I can barely eat, barely get any sleep, and when I try to talk about it, I get old white men here demanding I clarify whether I mean them.

    Please do *not* say “go to the ER”. I’ve been to the ER more than a dozen times. The head here is a religious fanatic that hates Queers, they will send me home, and it means the neighbors that already hate me will see me in handcuffs.

    I don’t need advice about Feminism, I don’t need to have every word I type parsed for Political correctness, I don’t need to be reminded about Sunblock.

    What I need is to find a way to live, a reason to keep fighting, something for me, not for anyone else.

    • Shibusa

      I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sure everybody here wants you to be happy, and healthy, and living without pain or fear.

    • SadDemInTex

      Anna, are there any Wonkers who live in your town? Do you live in my town, Dallas?

      • Anna Elizabeth

        No. I’m in Pueblo Colorado, surrounded by religious fanatics and Subhumans.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Anna, I posted this the other night. http://www.translifeline.org Their number is 877 565-8860. Its staffed by trans people. These folks may be able to help. I’m not telling you what to do, but I’m worried about you. You deserve a bright shiny future.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        I don’t have a phone, and I’ve done all the Trans Support Forums and such, but thank you.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          Anna, you know that you have a lot of support here. You do. We care about you. But there’s only so much we can do. I am concerned that you don’t seem to have much rw support. Maybe you can try these people?
          https://transness.org/transgender-resources-in-colorado/

          • Anna Elizabeth

            The forums never work, Hun. Most of the women there are in more dire straits than me. I can’t take it on those sites anymore.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            “Pueblo Trans Support Group – Pueblo has their own Transgender Support Group: Meets every 1st and 3rd Saturday 6pm at the Colorado Wins building, 304 S Union Pueblo CO 81002 — phone 719-250-8667. Moderated by Rev John Mark Hild Pastor, this is a safe and moderated open drop in support group for those who may be questioning their gender or feel that their gender or sexual identity falls somewhere outside of societies perceived parameters of gender. This is a safe space and forum for those who identify as Gender Queer, Gender Variant, Bi-gendered, Pan-gendered, Trans Butch, Trans Fem., Transgender, Transsexual, FTM, MTF, or identify with multiple genders or shun all labels.”

            I am not suggesting a forum. Really, I think you need to meet IRL with other people. Not easy when you are going through tumult, but it might be helpful.

          • janecita

            Has Anna’s post been removed?

          • WomanInThePersistence

            I don’t know. I’ll check.
            ETA- yes. She left again. I’m quite worried about her. What concerns me the most is that while we are generally a nice bunch of anonymous posters, we are still just a group of anonymous posters. There’s only so much we can do.

          • janecita

            I agree, I worry about her all the time, and I feel so frustrated that I can’t really help her. I wish that I could do more.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            You are sweet, but honestly I feel that we’ve done pretty much all that we can. We both posted information on a rw group in her town, we’ve been supportive, and we care. That’s what we can do, and we’ve done it. Please don’t feel bad. Because you are a caring person.

          • lroom

            Anna’s comments are gone so I’m not sure what is going on with her but I’m here Anna if you need to talk. I’ll give you my email if possible.

    • janecita

      Anna, my friend, I’m so sorry that I don’t live close to you. You are a wonderful, smart, funny LADY, with great taste in music, and more courage than most people I know. Live for yourself, for your future visits to Paris and Monte Carlo, live for your awesome finds at the thrift shop, live for your baby girl, live for your models, but over all live because you are an amazing human being, and this crazy world would be a lot worse off if you weren’t in it.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        I don’t know if I can anymore. I’m so tired. All my life it’s been hate, fear, needling, put-downs, and it never gets better.

        I thought I made a friend yesterday, but she was just another lady that wants to score points with “God” by befriending a sinner.

        • janecita

          Have you tried the meetings of the Pueblo Trans Support Group? You could make new friends there.

          Pueblo Trans Support Group – Pueblo has their own Transgender Support Group: Meets every 1st and 3rd Saturday 6pm at the Colorado Wins building, 304 S Union Pueblo CO 81002 — phone 719-250-8667. Moderated by Rev John Mark Hild Pastor, this is a safe and moderated open drop in support group for those who may be questioning their gender or feel that their gender or sexual identity falls somewhere outside of societies perceived parameters of gender. This is a safe space and forum for those who identify as Gender Queer, Gender Variant, Bi-gendered, Pan-gendered, Trans Butch, Trans Fem., Transgender, Transsexual, FTM, MTF, or identify with multiple genders or shun all labels.

        • Shibusa

          If you set up a GoFundMe to help you resettle in a more trans-friendly area, I’d kick in, and I’ll bet others here would too. It sucks to live in a place you have no human connection. My good friend has a young trans daughter in Long Beach–they have tapped into a nice community there. And LB is more affordable than LA, SF, or SD, which are also trans friendly spots.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      In all seriousness, Anna, this blog is a wonderful community in its own way and we love you, but it is somewhat obsessively focused on American politics, and those happen to be really dark and dysfunctional right now, as you well know. Maybe it would be a good idea to focus on things that are more positive – like making plans to move to a larger, more vibrant community, even if those plans have to be medium- to long-term? I don’t know, just spitballing here. You’re obviously a smart person, and I bet you can do just about anything you put your mind to.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Thank you Lance. I’ve been trying my hobbies, but it’s been difficult to focus. I’ve been watching “Band of Brothers”, trying to cultivate courage from their example. The motto of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment was “Currahee!”, an Indian word that means “We Stand Alone”, and I have always stood alone.

        I watched the episode “The Breaking Point” yesterday, where the men are starting to break down during the Battle of the Bulge, too many days of combat, too much stress, and then Lt. Speirs takes over when Lt. Dike folds in combat, and Speirs was like the bravest guy ever. It got me thru one more day.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Are there *any* local LGBTQ groups? Even if it’s a tiny membership and you mostly communicate online, it might be helpful to find someone in your community who understands how oppressive it can feel to live there.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • So he’s succeeded in five months in making enemies of both the FBI and the CIA/NSA communities.

    That sounds smart.

  • Sophia

    Seems Spicey came out from among the bushes and is at the presser

    • Are you saying Sean Spicer has come out????

      Gays worldwide will be horrified

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Well, it would make the impending polar bear extinction seem less of a tragedy

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Apparently he thinks “FBI Director” is the same as his “Personal Indiscretion Coverup Director”.

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      Is anyone surprised?

  • crabbychic

    Mitch the bitch has pulled into his turtle shell and will not be dealing with this AT ALL.

    • He and Ryan are the two seats the Dems should target. They should put out all kinds of ads questioning their loyalty to the country and their patriotism. Seriously. Stupid fuckers.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Mitch isn’t up again until 2020, but we may very well have a Dem wave big enough by then.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Nope. I’m a Kentuckian and I can tell you that the meth-addled, eighth-grade dropouts will continue to support him. They have no justification for voting R except that their daddies were Rs. I have heard them say it in interviews. I guarantee you they are paying not one shred of attention to all of this, but if they happen to hear anything of it they will assume it’s either not true, not important, or evidence that “they” have been out to get Dolt 45 since Day One. There are still plenty of cars around here with his bumper stickers on them, and I’ve seen a couple whose owners splashed out for big vinyl stickers of his name. I have ZERO hope that McTraitor will ever be voted out of office; the best we can hope for is removal by the other senators or his deciding not to run again.

        • Meccalopolis

          And then impeach gorsuck

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I hate that officious, craven, party-before-country motherfucker.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Tippy is almost certainly complicit in all of this. Ryan and Priebus are even more certainly in the web.

      • crabbychic

        That must be the case. No other explanation makes sense. I mean we all knew he was a vengeful turd over the Supreme Court, but to just ignore all that is going on seems treasonous.

    • “Mr. McConnell! Do you have a statement about the Comey firing?”

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/56ec380a5ad996d070c9fb7f6d823f0b65d57b8d9ad77557d3e9ffbbc2e9b13b.gif

      “Duuuuuuu . . . NOPE NOPE NOPE!”

  • WomanInThePersistence
  • Bill D. Burger
  • janecita

    We all know that simple foot soldiers, should pledge loyalty and kiss their godfather’s ring. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6cb10bb90c1be247728eced81efb4982282d6aefe1aa631461ed83ad29528d55.jpg

    • Pre-existing Ugly Dude

      Sonny would make a good Secretary of Oops, er, Energy.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Lance Thrustwell

    That Vox story makes me feel good, but I’m getting a little tired of hearing this just-around-the-corner stuff about Trump’s imminent demise. How fucking long does it take to interview a few dozen people, sort through emails, and subpoena tax records?

    Sorry, just impatient. I want that fucker out. Now!

    • Pre-existing Ugly Dude

      I can haz indictments now?

      • Crystalclear12

        I’ve been good. I even ate my vegetables.

    • LucindathePook

      Well, I know what you mean. But if he went now (and they didn’t get Pence and maybe Ryan, if we’re lucky), Pence would have time to bring our long national nightmare to a close and fix everything, so a grateful populace would vote GOP in fall of 2018. So I hope it drags out for a bit, despite how nerve-wracking, until fall of next year.

      • Good point, but if they got Pence and Ryan, wouldn’t the next in line be Tillerson?

        • LucindathePook

          Another good point. Oh, get ’em all out. I hate delayed gratification as much as anyone, but I try to think the longer it takes, the more solid the evidence, the more encompassing the scope of who goes down.

        • Sophia

          Orrin Hatch before Tillerson. Doesn’t that give you the warm and fuzzies

      • Lance Thrustwell

        There is that. Good point.

      • Meccalopolis

        Trouble is this things rolling out of control

      • SpideySenser

        I think they are waiting for a fool-proof plan and an airtight alibi.

    • I know, right? I wish they’d get it over with and stop this nightmare.

    • Mike Steele

      Hopefully before he stages some false-flag domestic incident to distract his brain-dead fanbase and give (R)s yet another excuse to give him a pass…

  • Crystalclear12

    That’s the problem with bullies, they only have one gear.

  • Pre-existing Ugly Dude

    “random” words “don’t” require “quotation” marks

    Except “President” Trump.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      LOL, yes indeed!

      “Random” words “don’t” require “quotation” marks, with few exceptions.

    • Oblios_Cap

      That’s Popular Vote Loser Trump.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Carpe Vagenda

    “tape” : notional electronic recording = “tapp” : the entire realm of modern surveillance activity

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    Seems a little bit worse than a couple of people spitballing about their grandkids on an airport hardstand. Just sayin’.

  • MOSTEST IMPORTANT BIGLY

    GLORIOUS LEADER DONALD J TRUMP got TWO SCOOPS of delicious vanilla ice cream on his BEST EVER YUMMY FOR HIS TUMMY CHOCOLATE CAKE . . . and loser-face weak Comey only got ONE.

    MOAR OF THESE WINNINGS!

  • Bill D. Burger
  • BreakingDeadMen

    Pros for cancelling Press Briefings:
    1.) Melissa McCarthy won’t be able “mockk” them
    2.) Less gaffes (i.e, inadvertent truth-telling admissible in a court of law)
    Cons:
    1.) Looks bad
    2.) By not giving the press their daily special platter of nonsense, will force them to chase actual stories, increasing threat they might figure something out for once

    • RobKanC

      Adding to your list,

      Pro: Master Putin appreciates it

      Con: nothing. I am president

    • Master Contrail Program

      More Twitter n Teevee time. I’ll leave that for the reader to decide which camp that falls under.

      • wait! what?

        More Coke button presses.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Melissa was seen scooting around midtown on the Spicer podium mobile.

  • BadKitty904

    Trump threatens like a 5th-grade bully.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      And not a convincing one.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Nelson Muntz 2020.

    • Master Contrail Program

      So far he has been giving Lady Liberty quite the swirly. I wonder if he asked Comey if he’d like a Hertz Donut?

    • Apple Scruff

      A 5th grade bully in 1956.

      • wait! what?

        Donald told James to make like a tree and get out of here.

        • Meccalopolis

          Make like a banana and leave

    • Celtic_Gnome

      A contractor who sued Trump for stiffing him got a phone call from someone with a heavy New York accent who told him to drop his lawsuit or it would be bad for him. The caller said he knew where the guy lived and threatened his family. He reported it to the police.

      The police traced the call to a payphone across the street from the Ed Sullivan theater at a time when Donald Trump was scheduled to be a guest on Letterman.

      • BadKitty904

        So, cowardly AND crazy?

  • Bill D. Burger
    • BadKitty904

      I wish.

      • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend

        “Comrade Donaldovich is to be defection and to request of asylum in Mother Russia.” – Pravda ( Excellent English language version)

        • BadKitty904

          Russia, the Ecuadorian Embassy, anywhere but what’s left of America…

      • Maybe the pilots will just leave him there? We really don’t want Russia to get that plane

        • BadKitty904

          The loss of Air Force One would be worth it to eliminate the FAR greater threat to America…

        • HogeyeGrex

          The plane could come back. It just wouldn’t be Air Force One without the President on board.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Will trade Trump for Snowden. Will throw in free plane.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger
  • Master Contrail Program

    “QUOTATIONS MARKS ARE THE NEW ALL-CAPS”

    • lroom

      I really miss the umlauts.

  • Meccalopolis

    And most of the FBI dummies voted for him. Why didn’t they listen to us?

  • Lucas Foxx

    I’ve heard Comey hasn’t been seen since coming home from L.A. Also read that he hasn’t responded to the invitation to testify next week.

    • crabbychic

      He was puttering around his yard in Virginia. There are pictures.

      • Lucas Foxx

        I’ve seen those. And a nice home it is.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      He’s also pissed about Trump trashing him.

  • Ghenghis McCann

    “What the fuck is WRONG with Donald Trump?” That question will keep psychologists busy for many years.

  • kittygrrl

    If it’s possible will you let me know if i’m going to be impeached?
    Yes, sir, you are most definitely going to be impeached because you’re an idiot.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    In other news, the “Donald J. Trump Presidential Library” will consist of a few dog eared copies of “The Art of the Deal”, a copy of “Women Who Work” with the cover ripped off (spank bank material for Donnie), copies of “All the President’s Men” and “The Final Days” (“why didn’t anybody TELL me about this Nixon guy?!?”) and a copy of “Leadership for Dummies”, all stuffed into a plastic tote bin in the closet of a federal medium security prison…

    • An a copy of Yertle the Turtle borrowed from Mitch McConnell and never returned.

      • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

        I’m sure there would be a few “Archie” comics as well. He likes trying to figure whether Betty or Veronica had bigger cans.

      • NellCote71

        And Green Eggs and Ham, donated by the son of JFK’s assassin.

    • Rags

      And barrels of Women Who Work bought to boost sales.

  • AnniNoone

    This is all doubtless true and very funny as usual. I’m sinking into despair, though, because it seems like no matter how egregious his words and actions are, nobody is ever going to hold this asshole accountable. Are we really going to be able to get a majority in the House and enough of a majority in the Senate to actually remove this cretin from office? Are the Republicans ever actually going to give a shit about honesty (fuck, at least trying to appear honest, nobody even does that anymore)? Is the Republican base ever going to realize they were enraged about e-mails but Asshole45 lets actual Russians into the Oval Office so they can tweet out pics?

    I guess in happier news I finally understand why people say “I literally can’t even.” I literally can’t.

    • Susan Szews

      No no no, please do not despair. It’s getting to the breaking point, I promise! Well, I suppose I cannot promise, because I am a nobody in Chicago, not in government, and I seriously am not ‘in the know’. BUT I HAVE A FEELING.

      I mean, the Republicans, even they cannot let this go unchecked now. It’s *so* egregious and *so* awful, that if they let it go on – all of “it” (sorry for using Trumpian quotes, but I hope you get my drift), they seem complicit. Maybe they are complicit! But to let it go on now, well, they’re digging their own grave for being reelected.

      I swear, it’s the beginning of the end. We’re cool. America is cool. We’ve got this.

      • AnniNoone

        Thank you! I am depending on the kindness of internet strangers here. I should probably print your comment and hang it where I can see it.

        • Meccalopolis

          He’s a deadman walking

      • LucindathePook

        We’ve got on our side a newly energized citizenry being very active against the current leadership, a press that is getting a little more dedicated to looking at issues and truth telling, and maybe, I hope, a bunch of voters and almost-voters who don’t really think much about it. They vote or don’t as a spur of the moment thing and were last time thinking “time for a change” or “I heard some stuff about her crimes” but who will by 2018 have seen unremitting evidence and with any luck even indictments and convictions against the GOP leadership and go “meh, time for a change” and “I heard a boatload about their crimes.”

    • kittygrrl

      Every patriotic citizen should call, write, email, text and tweet their Congress critters to demand that impeachment proceedings begin for obstruction of justice. Only the outcry from the citizenry of this great Republic will force the comatose GOP into action. The resistance is priming the pump for impeachment.

      • AnniNoone

        I see what you did there :-). I agree with you and am doing all that and maybe it will even work, it just seems impossible right now that it could.

    • AJ Milne

      I have my days like that. I suspect most people do.

      I’ll make it darker for you before I make it a bit lighter (I hope): the larger problem is in the larger politics, I think. In that Trump, alarming and over the top as he is, is more symptom than anything else. Yes, he’s a would-be autocrat, if a clumsy one, but he’d be nowhere if the Republican congress were genuinely checking him. And he wouldn’t be in power, and they wouldn’t, if enough people hadn’t voted for him and them, and tolerated the shenangans they’ve pulled to disenfranchise their opposition, through gerrymandering, and on and on. And none of that would have been possible if the groundwork hadn’t been lain for decades by mostly Republican operators creating a very knee-jerk, unthinking anti-intellectual, anti-competence narrative, and harnessing a sort of populist backlash to pull people with no economic interest in their having power into their camp with various ‘culture warrior’ narratives…

      And that’s a high hill, and that’s the thing has to be worn down. Trump… He may or may not be gone, soon enough.. But even gone, and the kind of politics he used indirectly, confusedly discredited, another like him remains possible… Nations don’t fall to this sort of thing until enough people cooperate with it, and dangerously many are, right now.

      The lighter, light as it gets: as in most things in life: you will only survive by taking a breath, tired as you may be, and struggling on. People have to be convinced this won’t do, people have to understand why democracy is endangered by what he is and what he’s doing, and why it’s worth saving. Congress has to do their duty, and, failing this, if Congress does not do their duty and act, they have to be chased out, shamed, replaced. So you know the drill. Write your congressthing. Talk to your neighbours. _Be_ the rebirth of a vital democracy. Pace yourself, but get it done. Hills to climb.

      • AnniNoone

        That was lovely, and I will do my best. Thank you.

    • Yr. Gma

      Were you around for Watergate? I was an adult at the time, and I remember. It took YEARS for that to play out. We found out after the fact that there was much going on behind the scenes during that time that never made the news. We got a little bit at a time. Drip, drip, drip. Most of us figured Nixon would get away with it. This lunacy is taking place in a time frame of months, weeks even, and the drip drip is daily. Nixon left when he was causing the Republicans more trouble than he was worth to them. Donnie is moving in that direction. The trajectory is downward. It won’t happen over night, and it won’t be just one thing to bring about the end of him. Keep your sights on the day when this all blows up so you will be around to celebrate with the rest of us. (There were such parties when Nixon got on that helicopter and left Washington!)

      • AnniNoone

        Thanks. I was a very little girl during Watergate, and my parents were delusional (“He would have been a good president except for that.” Yeah, that and extending the war/murdering soldiers for political gain. But I digress.) It is good to hear from someone who was a thinking adult at that time about what it all seemed like then. (Also, love your username.)

    • Miss Dill

      I’m not counting on Congress – my new hope is that the FBI, et al will get Trump. Just caught a couple minutes of Trump speech at LibertyUniversity – he’s talking about God and faith. OMFG

  • keenanjay

    When Comey bitterly chastised Hillary Clinton last year but admitted that they found nothing to prosecute, there was much talk about a cabal of Hillary haters within the FBI that furiously disagreed. It appears they have gotten their revenge and are the same assholes talking to Suckobee Sanders.
    The FBI has always been pretty conservative and dominated by Republicans. It is unlikely but it would be gratifying if a few of them went old school and held blanket parties for the cabal members over this unprofessional bullshit.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Cabal there apparently may be, but don’t take Huckabee Sanders’ claim that they’re talking to her as anything more than pure-dee bullshit. The chances of a bunch of FBI agents feeling the need to share their opinions about a departed boss with the assistant press secretary of the White House are… negligible.

      • keenanjay

        My theory was based on the premise that these guys are such ideologues that they would forget to wear underpants in their rush to support Trump.

      • Miss Dill

        Especially Huckabee Sanders…she’s such a moron I can’t imagine anyone smart trusting her with ANY information….even a thank-you. I’d steer clear of her and I’m not even that smart.

  • Oblios_Cap

    At least Trump’s good at being a very bad example of a human being..

    • Rick Hill

      I think he’s making the point of just how good the Democrats are at politicking

  • Sophia

    For no specific reason, here’s a reminder of the order of succession if President Trump — and any of his immediate successors — were to somehow leave office very soon.

    1. Vice President Pence

    2. House Speaker Paul Ryan

    3. President pro tempore of the Senate Orrin Hatch

    4. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson

    5. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin

    6. Defense Secretary James Mattis

    • Rick Hill

      Damned if we do…..

    • Master Contrail Program

      Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am……….

      • Lance Thrustwell

        stuck in a pile of poo?

    • crabbychic

      And if it isn’t “very” soon-

      1. President Vladimir Putin

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Don’t think about it. The pussygrabber must go. We deal with the next threat as it arises.

      • DainBramage

        Yes, this. Plus, impeaching and convicting him will weaken the Republican Party.

      • Sophia

        2018! Vote!

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      So, we have to hope that somehow everyone down to #6 gets arrested.

      • Sophia

        I doesn’t get better. Here’s the whole list from Wikipedia.

        No. Office Current officer
        1 Vice President Mike Pence (R)
        2 Speaker of the House of Representatives Paul Ryan (R)
        3 President pro tempore of the Senate Orrin Hatch (R)
        4 Secretary of State Rex Tillerson (R)
        5 Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin (R)
        6 Secretary of Defense James Mattis (I)
        7 Attorney General Jeff Sessions (R)
        8 Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke (R)
        9 Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue (R)
        10 Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross (R)
        11 Secretary of Labor Alex Acosta (R)
        12 Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price (R)
        13 Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson (R)
        – Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao (R)[a]
        14 Secretary of Energy Rick Perry (R)
        15 Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos (R)
        16 Secretary of Veterans Affairs David Shulkin (I)
        17 Secretary of Homeland Security John F. Kelly (I)

        Elain Chao- Not a natural-born citizen (acquired U.S. citizenship by naturalization) and thus ineligible for the Presidency.

        • NellCote71

          Rick Perry–from another planet–so also not qualified.

        • k9feline

          James Mattis might not be too bad…

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Where’s Laura Roslin when we need her?

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I’m holding out for HUD Honey Ben Carson.

      • Won’t go nearly as well as Designated Survivor

        • NellCote71

          I would love Kieffer to be president.

      • AndyC316

        He’s still looking for his luggage — don’t count on him being available

    • Master Contrail Program

      Be sure to save your tickets for the prize counter! For 150,000 you can get a boombox to play those “tapes”. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d39bfde020fe3b9cd1321a5562536e39e14eeda968f9b87fda73f67378b1f542.jpg

    • NellCote71

      We are so screwed.

    • RobespierreHoo

      I’ll take Mattis for $100, Alex.

    • Thiazin Red

      More motivation to retake the house and have President Pelosi.

      • Miss Dill

        Would rather have Elizabeth Warren.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Oh, please let there be “tapes”! I have so little in my life, please give me this!

  • Rick Hill

    So, if there are “tapes” then there is “something”. Except, unless Comey told him the secret burial location of Jimmy Hoffa as well as all of Hillary’s victims, isn’t trump the one who has something to hide?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Listening to trump is like listening to the oldsters who meet at McDonald’s in the morning for coffee. It’s all brag and BS.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Nobody brings anything small into a bar around here.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        There’s a little bit of envy in the best of us.

    • Rick Hill

      And, possibly, a point hidden in it somewhere.

    • TundraGrifter

      I was in a Richmond neighborhood shopping center a few days ago (the kind of place where stores post photos of shoplifters in the front windows) and a gaggle of rather elderly gentlemen was discussing what they’d said to somebody else about something sometime somewhere. It wasn’t much of a conversation.

  • crabbychic

    We all know that if there are tapes, they are most assuredly “fake”- right? I bet he has the real “tapes” on his 8-track 2XL as a backup. But don’t ask him until he has had his 2 scoops of ice cream- WITH SPRINKLES MOTHAFUCKAS.

    This whole thing is making me a little crazy.

  • Pissed off FBI is fine, but now is the time for the Senate to subpoena the “tapes” Trump said he had.

  • TundraGrifter

    First President Trump said Mr. Obama had put a wire tapp on him. Now he’s worried about tapes made by James Comey.

    If I didn’t know better I’d get the impressing Mr. Trump thinks people are out to get him.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      I don’t think that’s right. The conversations Trump is referring to took place on his turf. If there are recordings, he’s the one who made them.

      • cmd resistor

        Or the Russkies.

      • TundraGrifter

        Good point. You are probably correct about who recorded them. But what’s on them that’s so bad?

        • Celtic_Gnome

          FOIA, Mr. “President”.

  • DainBramage

    The only thing that will stop Trump’s twits from getting more unhinged is if Ivanka breaks all his little fingers.

    • Master Contrail Program

      There are shout-to-text apps though.

      • DainBramage

        Yeah, but he’d have to get someone to set it up for him.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    It’s not enough for me that Fuckface von Clownstick be impeached. His entire cabinet, and his Veep, needs to go, some of them to prison. His AG needs to go to prison. His picture on every list of presidents should be replaced with just the number 45, like they do when kids don’t go to school on picture day. There should be no monument to him. No presidential library (we know what would be in it, anyway, and who needs an entire building to hold five autographed copies of The Fart of the Steal?). Nothing. Stabby? You bet I’m fuckin’ stabby. I’m also mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!

    • Lamashtar

      Its nerdy historian rage, but the idea of his portrait being up on White House walls someday brings me to the edge.

  • Lucas Foxx

    BTW: Love the headline: “He Moved On Comey Like A Bitch”

  • Jgb979

    Please tape everything that happens at the White House you gelatinous orange fuckwit.

    It will save a lot of time and effort at discovery

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Hey, has anyone ever seen Mr. Blobfish and Jgb979 in the same place at the same time?

      • Jgb979

        Usually it’s behind closed doors

    • AJ Milne

      It went so well for the last guy did that. Do it, Trumpy! Doooo it.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Next person who sez we need to send an outsider to Washington is getting a cock punch or cunt punt, as the situation requires.

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      Mummify ’em in duct tape, hang ’em from the rafters and beat ’em like a piñata with baseball bats until the squealing stops.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      In fairness cunt punt is an objectively funny term…

      • Lamashtar

        Only because it rhymes!

    • Master Contrail Program

      Please, my outsider doctor gave me some antibiotics for strep throat; and now I can lactate my own milk! That will save me dozens of dollars a year! Dozens!!

      #Winning

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      A cock or cunt punch sounds like the drink at a really odd cotillion.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Are we taking bets on who’s first to get a horse head in their bed?

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Do all Republicans expect personal loyalty oaths? What the fuck. Just…what the fuck. It makes me sick that this flim-flam man, this giant pustule, this Hitler with training wheels is the President. AND THE GOP WON’T DO SHIT ABOUT IT! We really, really have to get out the vote at every election until these enemies of the state are gone. Starting with Mitch McConnell (R-A pond somewhere).

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Tapes?

    Whats a tape? Is that anything like those “records” that my dad used to listen to?

    • Rick Hill

      Now listen here you whippersnapper! You’re not to old to be taken down a peg or two, by gum.

      grumble grumble….

      • Yr. Gma

        Nest they’ll be trying to take my Walkman.

        • Meccalopolis

          Nobody touches my turntable. You know what a pain it is to get those things fixed?

    • Master Contrail Program

      Here’s one of them. Damned if I know where the USB cord goes in at. Maybe it’s Bluetooth? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/da42eeebe8bc648afd182f2e85d8d983b7463cb2e8d36b29e2708ef48deba94a.jpg

      • Meccalopolis

        You young’uns so amusing

  • Publicus

    The notional Comey exoneration doesn’t seem to be working, even though ‘three times …’
    Maybe someone should tell Trump about Papal indulgences.

    • jesterpunk

      But it works to summon Kellyanne Conjob and Ann Coulter…

    • LucindathePook

      Make him walk barefoot to Rome carrying a cross, or something.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        Starting on this side of the Atlantic?

        • LucindathePook

          yep

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Donald Trump is a barely literate hamster pube who doesn’t understand that “random” words “don’t” require “quotation” marks, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM?

    I guess he thinks using quotations means he can pretend HE didn’t really say what he said.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Pivot!

    • Rick Hill

      Such leadership. Much strong. Very effective

      • NellCote71

        I think you mean very, very effective.

  • Rick Hill

    “But, sir, I’m telling you. what’s on those tapes condemn you, not Comey. You cannot release them.”
    “Ok, I hear you.”

    (Releases tapes.)

  • Mavenmaven

    Can’t wait till the FBI leaks all the porn that Trump downloads at Mar a lago.

    • BosGrl

      Do you really want to know what he likes?

      • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

        My guess is that he’s into some pretty vanilla shit, he just thinks it’s kink

      • Master Contrail Program

        “Trump Campaign Announcement”

        “Trump Inauguration (Edited)”

        “Trump Rally-After Dark”

        “Ivanka’s High School Graduation”

        Break out the wet mop.

      • Parakeetist

        Noooooooooooooooooooo

      • Mavenmaven

        It might explain why Melania seems so unhappy all the time.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Who in the IRS will rid us of this meddlesome dumbass wanna-be dictator by releasing his tax returns?

    • NellCote71

      Love me a good Thomas a Becket reference.

    • cleos_mom

      The Praetorian Guard?

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Is ketchup an ice cream flavor? Because Donnie keeps it real with his steaks and he only likes ’em one way: overcooked and covered in ketchup. Ice cream? Pfffelf…that’s for commoners.

  • New theory: Trump is actually in love with Comey (he’s soooo tall), and the “loyalty pledge” was a demand for sex.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Turning me straight a month before Pride. Oh, you.

  • Kiri the Unicorn
  • NerdWithNoName

    With the asking for loyalty, Comey is lucky he only got fired and not whacked. Bada Bing Bada Boom.

    • NellCote71

      It was that kiss on the cheek at the end that tipped him off.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      He found a well-done horsemeat steak in his bed…

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        With ketchup.

  • NellCote71

    OK, Evan, I have spent 30 minutes searching for photos of Comey’s “freakishly adorable dachshund,” and I got zip. That’s 30 minutes I will never get back.

    • EvanHurst

      That’s what you get for listening to me.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Come ON, Evan, you know how seriously the interwebz takes critters.

      • When I was 13 my best friend told me she had a pet zebra. Those 2 hours spent looking for a zebra in her heavily wooded yard were hours filled with wonder and excitement. That there was never any zebra, and my friend was laughing behind my back, was really beside the point.
        That right there is the secret to Life.

    • Yr. Gma

      I think that was one of Evan’s “euphemisms.”

  • Shoto

    “What the fuck is WRONG with Donald Trump?”

    Wait, I know this one. Um…He’s fucking crazy?

    • Parakeetist

      Correct for $200.

    • Anna Rompage

      It’s the only thing about him, or his policies that’s absolutely certifiable…

    • OddMan

      I understand one crazy person, but he has infected all those around him and millions of others with his crazy, and it is fucking terrifying.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        No, he hasn’t. They just used to hide these people in the attic when company came by, and this time he called them out to the porch.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Manson. Jim Jones. But with money, and a veneer of civilization.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Crazy AND stupid. You can be one without the other, but he combines both in a way that I don’t think I have seen before.

      • Roadstergal

        Crazy, stupid, narcissistic, and greedy.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          An’ ugly.

  • Shoto

    This one needs to be passed around the electric interweb box.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bEdMuKq30I&feature=youtu.be

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      Very nice summary of the scum Donald associates with.

  • Anna Rompage

    ‘I fear Trump has awakened a sleeping giant in the FBI.”

    Sticking up on popcorn as we speak!

  • OneWhiteWhisker

    Orange 45 still thinks the country can be run like a business and you can just fire whoever you want if they don’t “perform” to your satisfaction. He’s about to get a very, VERY rude awakening.

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend
    • Khavrinen

      So…
      Obama goes gray.

      And tRump?
      No change.

      • SeeTrain65

        More red-faced?

  • Anna Rompage

    And in other bat shit crazy news today; Jeff sessions has announced that he will be reinstating mandatory minimum sentencing for non-violent drug offenders…

    Did I mention we already have the highest incarcerations rates per capris out of any country in the world, including Iran, Russia, China, & Chechnya

    • Yr. Gma

      Those private prisons aren’t going to fill themselves.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Part of the GOP voter suppression program.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Out of all of the shit to fly out of DC lately this is the one that breaks my heart. Well, that and trying to kill healthcare. HOW CAN THEY BE SO FUCKING CRUEL???!!!!

  • Shibusa
    • The Wanderer

      And good luck trying to get that brought to the House Committee on the Judiciary.

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    … authoritarian loser bag of anthropomorphic ferret dicks …

    Evan, for the literary WIN again!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Ferret dicks have little hooks on the end to anchor them to the female so they don’t fall out.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    the rank-and-file of the FBI is even more pissed off than it was yesterday, and they will most certainly do what they can to repay Donald Trump “IN KIND”

    https://m.popkey.co/6ce847/9GXx3.gif

    • r m reddicks

      “Gee, Mr. Prezinut do you remember that Clinton woman? We don’t.”

    • Roadstergal

      Come on, guys! What are you waiting for, him to do something even crazier?

  • chascates
    • The Wanderer

      Um, oops?

    • SeeTrain65

      Getting those tapes would require a functioning Congress.

      There goes that hope.

      • Ill-Advised

        Tapes post-edited by Trumps Russian handlers? There’s no way I in believing anything he produces that incriminates Comey without rock-solid additional evidence.

  • cheetojeebus

    La-di-da, aren’t we swish, What, salted rat dicks aren’t good enough? You have to go for the anthropomorphic ferret dicks? OOh whooo, Look at me and my anthropomorphic ferret dicks….

  • Run2Live

    “I said to myself, I said, ‘you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story, it’s an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should have won.”
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/05d492283bfba36f61b156b63d0412e934cc5f9b9dd8956ac029fa2794e0c9b8.gif

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Voices in his head, is what he’s saying.

      • H0mer0

        yeah, who talks to themselves in 3rd person unless to tell them that the 3rd person is a idiot?

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    Okay. This guy has now royally pissed off the CIA, the FBI, and the press. He seems to be losing grip on sanity more and more by the day.

    Six months is my new guess. Out before June 20.

    • Anna Rompage

      That would be the best birthday present ever!

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      The press isn’t nearly angry enough.

      • r m reddicks

        They do have their bosses.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        they also lack the cojones

      • Roadstergal

        Melissa McCarthy is working on it.

    • Meccalopolis

      That would make my summer. And you thought those funny last day of school teachers gone wild videos were scandalous before

    • scottdaniels816

      Zagnutz

    • zagnutz2

      Sadly the circus is here to stay. This will continue into next year until the fevered re-election rallies begin.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    NPR this morning: the story keeps changing as to why Comey is out at the FBI.

    Do you remember when the explanation into Benghazi changed? I remember it. It’s probably still being investigated, to keep Gowdy busy.

    • efoveks

      Well, he blew through all the coloring books and he’s too dumb to figure out the puzzles. Thank goodness for Mrs. Clinton’s emails. If not that, we’d have to hire a REAL babysitter for him ;)

      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        Or get him a subscription to Highlights magazine.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      until Donnie appoints him as FBI director

  • r m reddicks

    You know who else had to pledge loyalty to someone else. Which seems to have worked our quite well or maybe not.

    • efoveks

      For all the bitching Trump did about ‘political correctness’, demanding a pledge of loyalty is the ultimate in -gasp!- ‘political correctness’. Quel hypocrite!

    • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

      Yossarian?

    • VirginiaLady

      Moses?

      • r m reddicks

        Oh, that was the other one!

        • VirginiaLady

          There are so many it’s hard to pick just one. The guy who was going to sacrifice his kid, the guy who lost his entire family, Old Yeller, etc. Loyalty is hard!!

    • SeeTrain65

      Pinto? Flounder?

      “With liberty and fraternity for all.”

      “Amen.”

  • Paperless Tiger

    Putin asked Trump to host Lavrov at the White House to demonstrate that Trump serves Putin at the level of a Russian minister, not as a president, an equal. That was the real loyalty pledge this week.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Yup, Vlad publicly jerked his chain and brought him to heel

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    “his freakishly adorable dachshund

    pix or gtfo

  • r m reddicks

    Enquiring minds want to know how was the chocolate cake?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Re his tax return, Trump now says there’s a letter from his lawyers saying “nope, no Russians here.”
    “With exceptions.” I kid you not.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      He’s also always been faithful to his wife- with exceptions

      • C4TWOMAN

        It’s the “exceptions” that get you.

    • boyblue122

      Was the note written by Dr Bornstein

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      [Rubio] referred to my hands, if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee it.

      (With exceptions.)

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Someone at Vox finally cut to the chase with what is wrong with Donnie and why the media still can’t seem to grasp it

    https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/5/12/15621140/interpret-trump

    • VirginiaLady

      Reading that piece makes one wonder how easy it would be to set up old orange boy for an accidental accident. “Sir, we have a big surprise for you in that van over there. Go see what it is!”

      • cleos_mom

        “Tell Mike it was business. I always respected him.”

    • SisterArtemis

      Thanks for posting that link!

    • Edith Prickly

      Yep. I’ve thought this all along. WYSIWYG with the Orange Menace. There’s no grand strategy, just a septuagenarian who acts like a spoiled toddler when he doesn’t get his way.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Trump’s “mind” possible explanation: “There is no ‘there’ there.”

      Sounds reasonable to me. Trump is just a behavioral reaction engine with no long term thinking, no regard for consequences, no plans. Every behavior he displays can be explained by an immediate situational need to satisfy his ego. It does sort of fit, yes?

  • William
    • SisterArtemis

      Oh my….

    • phoenix00

      Some days, we’re all flying United…..

  • mardam422

    There’s not, like, a bunker or anything Trump might go off to hide in once the Russians…er, FBI closes in, is there?

  • ken_kukec

    Every so often over the past couple days, I’ll flip over to Fox in the hope of scoring a cheap schadenfreude thrill. But all they’re talking about is how Comey’s replacement will re-open the investigation into Hillary’s emails.

    I shit you not.

    • William
    • CindyinEncinitas

      It’s like they’ve had repeated blows to the head or something. Who keeps them from walking in front of oncoming traffic?

      • zerosumgame0005

        nobody, one hopes! with votes of course!

    • C4TWOMAN

      That’s likely. /sarc

      Comey’s replacement publicly contradicted Trump’s entire story about how Comey was fired.

      Are they even paying attention?

    • Randy Riddle

      It will be a full two years before they mention his resignation or impeachment. And then only in passing.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Comey is into hooker pee tapes too? Whoa if true.

    • chicken thief

      There are people who aren’t?

      Oh.. uh…. asking for a friend!

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    Not sure if it works this way, but I would assume that Comey would have had to report this encounter, including what was discussed, since he was meeting with someone who was being investigated.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I like the phrase “barely literate hamster pube” so much that I am going to use it as the title of my fall 2017 tour. I will be singing golden oldies in Chinese to the accompaniment of an electric glockenspiel.

    • zerosumgame0005

      make sure you “tape” it and sell copies through the Wonketteria!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I’ll do better than that. I’ll “tapp” it.

        • SeeTrain65

          “Tapp it.” Then “tape it.”

    • Gregory Brown

      You need to be careful. When singing in Chinese, intonation is very important for meaning. You could think you are singing “hey, baby baby,” but are actually producing the words “Xi Jinping is the spawn of a sick monkey.”

  • Doug Langley

    At least Nixon was smart enough not to reveal the White House taping system.

    • Mister Smith

      As if Comey didn’t know.

  • SisterArtemis

    timing is everything: regarding “then-national security advisor Michael Flynn being compromised because of his lies about meetings with the Russian ambassador….

    Yates initially met with White House counsel Don McGahn on Thursday, January 26th and he requested another meeting, which was held on Friday, January 27th. Later that evening, the president was asking for loyalty from the FBI director and by Monday the 30th, the Acting Attorney General was fired.


    Nancy LeTourneau: It’s Time to Investigate the President for Possible Obstruction of Justice

  • epzik8

    “Tape”? Such an obsolete word.

    • zerosumgame0005

      to be honest I still use that word a lot (being an oldz) but it is a lot shorter then “recorded” or almost any other one that says the same thing.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Yup. “Tape” is often used in the digital world even when something is recorded digitally. Habit, tradition, lazyness, whatever. And it was used in quotes.

        • BreakingDeadMen

          I use a lot of analog tape. I’m weird.

    • ThaagNasty

      For the same reason a 3.5″ floppy is used for the “save” icon.

  • bluicebank

    Donnie is moving into cray-cray territory. Threatens the ex-FBI director he fired, thus insuring that the widespread anger toward him at the bureau is cemented and reinforced with rebar. THEN snaps at the media again, threatening to cancel press briefings unless they play nice.

    Not. The. Briar. Patch!

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Getting back to the “bitch” thing, when is that ever a complimentary comparison? Maybe for a certain time of woman trying to assert herself. Not generally a compliment a man pays himself.

    • This is a functional illiterate we’re talking about here.

    • Hospergar

      It’s not really supposed to be- it means he put himself in a submissive position to get close to her. It’s a way to emphasize how not in-control of himself he is when he sees “beauty.” Even he, the god-created and nature-endowed most dominant man ever, can find himself in a submissive posture attempting to claim what’s rightfully his. But it’s funny, because both he and his audience understand that he is so hyper-masculine that such situations can’t threaten his dominance.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        You comment like a bitch. But, seriously, he’s such a mama’s boy. Only another mama’s boy could see him as that masculine.

    • Gregory Brown

      I think the intent was to say that Trump moved on Comey as though Comey were the bitch. It, unfortunately, was not expressed with the proper grammatical felicity.

  • Edith Prickly

    I’m sure that stupid fucker thought that the FBI was his personal police force to order around. Comey must had gotten a hint that his days might be numbered right then.

    • Ferroequinologist Ron

      If so I’ll bet a cookie he has a Hoover-class dossier on Donnie, all ready to go.

      • Zyxomma

        You may have a cookie. I’m sure you’re correct, and if you aren’t, I’m only out a cookie. And a government. And a livable world.

    • Gregory Brown

      I’m sure he did.

  • “Mister Comey, you and I are not so (how you say?) unalike…”

    In the next scene, Trump sends Ivanka to Comey’s house to assassinate him in a bizarre, sexually suggestive manner, but Comey foils it by seducing her.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      brain bleach please

      • zerosumgame0005

        lots and lots!

    • Gregory Brown

      You bastard! You big, bad, bald bastard!

  • OBJECTION! Assumes facts not in evidence. There is, after all, objectively no such thing as a ” freakishly adorable dachshund.” As Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec once observed: “Any dog under 60 pounds is a cat and there is useless. Next caller.”

    • Those dachshunds were bred to flush badgers out of their burrows… Now that’s some pure aggression. Though, come to think of it, I’ve seen the cats in straight-up killer mode. Musashi couldn’t even come close…

      • Gregory Brown

        A friend of mine raised a cat that could have killed dogs. Over the course of two weeks, both a German shepherd and later a big collie jumped over the fence to her yard to attack her. In each case, Simone (I love that name) attacked first, launching into the air and affixing herself to the dog’s face, upon which she began clawing at the dog’s eyes. This, understandably, freaked the fucking dogs right the hell out, and, after they managed to shake her off, they were chased by Simone around the yard, jumped back over the fence and put the time to good use by running away at full speed. Simone would then retire to her favored resting place in the shade under a tree, and recline. She was a sleek, beautiful, gray, 14-pound miniature panther. She would let men, such as my friend, his dad, and me pet her, but would have nothing to do with females, such as his mom or sister.

    • Bitter Scribe

      If you need a dog to be “useful,” you either live in the country or you’re a drug dealer.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Guide dog libelz!

        • Bitter Scribe

          OK, I’ll make an exception for guide dogs. But not “companion animals,” at least when you try to take them into a restaurant or a plane where I am.

    • Roadstergal

      My terriers are under 60 lbs and great at keeping the rodents at bay.

      And giving us furry love.

    • Zyxomma

      Having had a freakishly adorable dachshund when I was a child (Baron von Schnitzel) , I must disagree completely. Had you seen him free himself of the leash and run down the block in the snow, me in pajamas and robe following, then turn around and wait for me to almost catch up before taking off again, you would have said “Awwwwwww.” That, or you’re dead inside.

    • phoenix00

      OT: I want Nick Offerman/Ron Swanson to take on Sarah Huckabee Sanders on SNL.

  • Bitter Scribe

    What a surprise. Loyalty is the only criterion by which Trump judges everyone around him. You could be the most unqualified, incompetent bumbler in the country, but as long as you’re loyal to Trump, you’re in.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Kyllyanne? Is that you?

    • Keith Taylor

      O worthy scribe, I understand why you are bitter. Yeah. The diligent scribes of that inept unreal irresponsible mug Pharaoh Akhnaten must have felt bitter too, as they watched the Egyptian state unravel in his reign. And many of the most unqualified, incompetent bumblers in the country Trump is betraying, ARE in, now. My fingers are crossed and I am hoping this awful state of affairs doesn’t last. Impeachment? Article 25? SOMETHING?

    • mrpuma2u

      Most dictators will appoint family and sycophants vs. qualified people, because loyalty. This administration sucks so bad.

  • gratuitous

    So, if the whole Russia and Trump thing is bogus fakity-fake-fake news of the fakest bogosity, why wouldn’t Trump want to get a clean bill from the FBI Director? Instead, he fires someone that Trump maintains wasn’t investigating him for something he never did because Trump want to bring the whole phony scandal to a close?

    I don’t know if even Trump supporters are that stupid, but I’ve been wrong before.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Trump supporters are that stupid.

      • puredog

        Or stupider, even.

      • Gregory Brown

        They are that stupid, because they are all running off the limbic system.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          I’d almost venture to say that their cortex doesn’t even have wrinkles in it–and if it does, it’s a terrible waste of convolutions.

          • Gregory Brown

            In that case, it’s just 8 miles of bad road. Cerebrally speaking.

  • Panika MCD

    kinda makes you wish J. Edgar Hoover was still around.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      RuPaul’s Drag Race is kinda dull this season.

    • Keith Taylor

      It even kinda does. And I was sure — as you were once, probably — that nothing could make me wish that. But for certain, if Donald Trump had ever tried to screw around with Hoover, his reputation would have been rancid hash even among his ardent supporters, by dinner time. In theory any president could have fired J. Edgar. In practice, as we’re all aware, it wasn’t politically possible because J. Edgar had something on everybody important. You wouldn’t want another FBI boss like Hoover, but on the other hand, you’d want a president like the orange man even less.
      We live in interesting times.

    • HooverVilles

      Yep. We do live in strange times.

  • JParkerSD46

    Why does Idiot-in-Chief continue to refer to himself in the third person? And wouldn’t you love to hear that question asked of him? “Which third person are you talking about? There are more than three people here. Which one in the third one?”

  • My Dinner with Angry

    • SeeTrain65

      Dinner for Schmucks

  • Khavrinen

    “he says VERY LOUDLY all the things he’s supposed to be “shhhhhh” about.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMHt481HsFU

  • Celtic_Gnome
  • tehbaddr

    “make out with Donald Trump’s taint” fucking Christ Evan! This is supposed to be a mommy blog/recipe hub with dick jokes, not Ogrish.com!

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    The New York FBI division is apparently very loyal to Giuliani (why, God, why????), so Trump will probably just get them to do his dirty work.

    • mary5920

      Maybe they’re hold overs from J. Edgar and love that both men wore dresses? (not that there’s anything wrong with that!)

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I never could wrap my brain around J. Edgar in a dress.

  • Maybe

    There is not enough room on the internet to fully explain what the fuck is WRONG with Donald Trump.

  • ANNG14

    “What the fuck is WRONG with Donald Trump?”

    Well for one he’s obviously reality challenged.

  • phoenix00

    I KNOW WHAT “TAPE” TRUMP IS TALKING ABOUT!!!

    http://www.walkerart.org/minnesotabydesign/content/1-objects/58-masking-tape/masking-tape.jpg

    IT MASKS THINGS!……

    • HooverVilles

      Nice one!!

  • mrpuma2u

    The two scoops of ice cream thing tells me just about everything I suspected about Drumpf is true. He is a giant fucking idiot brat, just like Harry Potter’s cousin.

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    I don’t like Comey, and I’m not sorry for him, although–being an advocate of democracy and democratic governance–I’m horrified at the way he was fired: one is for justice and due process, not lynching, even if one feels the suspect is clearly guilty.

    But I am almost moved to pity at the thought of Comey, a relatively intelligent and accomplished man, being forced to sit at a table in an uneasy tete-a-tete with a man whose tete is more stunningly empty than that of any world leader on the contemporary scene.

    I mean, I can picture dinner with Justin Trudeau or Emmanuel Macron. Lots of lively chat–you’d have to sharpen your wits to keep up. It would be mad fun. Even Angela Merkel would bring a certain grimly funny quality, along with her considerable intellect, to the table talk.

    But talking with Donald would be like talking with a cranky six-year-old who has missed his naptime, and is now playing idly with a loaded revolver: a combination of sheer, droning boredom and extraordinary danger.

  • M.E. Lawrence

    I really do resent the amount of space taken up by the schmuck, but I, too, still find myself asking my guy, rhetorically, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE DUMBASS?! And, as Evan notes, “He says VERY LOUDLY all the things he’s supposed to be ‘shhhhhh’ about.” I was suddenly reminded of the British D.J., media personality, and so-called philanthropist Jimmy Savile who, after his death, was discovered to have raped who-knows-how-many children and women. Part of his m.o. was being creepy right out there in public: groping a young girl during a large group photo while the cameras recording what a swell guy he was. It reminds me of the unpresident’s exhibitionistic tendencies, and his possible need to be caught out (e.g., all the strange admissions he made after firing Comey). You’d think he’d shut up about Comey, KremlinGate, etc., for a few days but, no, he goes on compulsively tweeting. Is there a psychological term for this sort of behavior?

  • Darrell Imaginarian

    Two scoops of ice cream? Is that some sort of scandal? Real dictators have curves.

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