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Well, there goes our seat at the Grownups’ Table. Forget about your dreams of Le Netflix and Chill with Le Sexy President Macron. We’ll be lucky to get a plastic plate of fish fingers in the staff mess hall at Buckingham Palace. President Derp sat down for an interview last week with The Economist, the world’s most widely read Serious Magazine on Global Finance For Real Adults. It could only have gone worse if he dropped trou and took a dump on the table mid-sentence. And he did go off the record for a minute, so WHO EVEN KNOWS????

Donald Trump’s Guiding Principal: SELF REGARD

We Americans are a timid bunch, overmodest and self-effacing. Luckily we have a raving narcissist negotiating our economic policy now. He’ll restore order with his America First nationalist bluster. Because, really, isn’t it all about how we feel when we look in the mirror? It’s just Economics 101! Good thing someone finally thought to ask about it.

What is Trumponomics and how does it differ from standard Republican economics?
Trump: Well it’s an interesting question. I don’t think it’s ever been asked quite that way. But it really has to do with self-respect as a nation.

Many People Are Finding Out that China is Like, REALLY OLD

You guys, did you know other countries existed before God made the US of A? IT’S TRUE!

[Our] relationship with China is long. Of course by China standards, it’s very short [laughter], you know when I’m with [Xi Jinping], because he’s great, when I’m with him, he’s a great guy. He was telling me, you know they go back 8,000 years, we have 1776 is like modern history. They consider 1776 like yesterday and they, you know, go back a long time. They talk about the different wars, it was very interesting. We got along great. So I told them, I said, “We have a problem and we’re going to solve that problem.” But he wants to help us solve that problem.

But don’t worry, because China’s president Xi isn’t personally 8,000-years-old. They shared that chocolate cake at Mar-a-Lago, and Donald Trump was so charming. Then the Dealmaker in Chief decided not to label China a currency manipulator, or demand any real concessions at all. Because he is The Best Negotiator!

But, so they talk about why haven’t you called him a currency manipulator? Now think of this. I say, “Jinping. Please help us, let’s make a deal. Help us with North Korea, and by the way we’re announcing tomorrow that you’re a currency manipulator, OK?” They never say that, you know the fake media, they never put them together, they always say, he didn’t call him a currency [manipulator], number one. Number two, they’re actually not a currency [manipulator]. You know, since I’ve been talking about currency manipulation with respect to them and other countries, they stopped.

You see! All that arglebargle about Gina China on the campaign trail in 2016 forced China to allow its currency to float back in 2014. It’s amazing!

Oopsie! Did President Trump Accidentally Admit that the Healthcare Bill is Really Just a Tax Cut for the Wealthy?

Shhhhhhh, Poppy! We’re calling it a bill to make healthcare cheaper and restore liberty. You aren’t supposed to say the other part out loud!

Trump: Now, if we get the health-care [bill through Congress], this is why, you know a lot of people said, “Why isn’t he going with taxes first, that’s his wheelhouse?” Well, hey look, I convinced many people over the last two weeks, believe me, many Congressmen, to go with it. And they’re great people, but one of the great things about getting health care is that we will be saving, I mean anywhere from $400bn to $900bn.

Mr Mnuchin: Correct.

President Trump: That all goes into tax reduction. Tremendous savings.

Tax Cuts are Critical! Tax Returns…Not So Much!

Donald Trump knows for sure that trickle down economics is totally going to work this time. If we just stop making all those job creators pay taxes, our economy will grow so much…it’s gonna be yooooge! Sure, it will require sacrifices. But would Donald Trump release his own tax returns if it meant getting a deal through Congress? NO HE WOULD NOT. Except maybe later, because you all would be OMG so impressed with all the money he makes. Did you know Donald Trump is very successful?

Mr President, can I just try you on a deal-making question? If you do need Democratic support for your tax plan, your ideal tax plan, and the price of that the Democrats say is for you to release your tax returns, would you do that?
Trump: I don’t know. That’s a very interesting question. I doubt it. I doubt it. Because they’re not going to…nobody cares about my tax return except for the reporters. Oh, at some point I’ll release them. Maybe I’ll release them after I’m finished because I’m very proud of them actually. I did a good job.

Hope Hicks [White House director of strategic communication]: Once the audit is over.

Trump: I might release them after I’m out of office.

Trump Knows How to Coin a Phrase: Have You Heard the Expression ‘Prime the Pump’?

But beyond that it’s OK if the tax plan increases the deficit?
Trump: It is OK, because it won’t increase it for long. You may have two years where you’ll…you understand the expression “prime the pump”?

Yes.
Trump: We have to prime the pump.

It’s very Keynesian.
Trump: We’re the highest-taxed nation in the world. Have you heard that expression before, for this particular type of an event?

Priming the pump?
Trump: Yeah, have you heard it?

Yes.
Trump: Have you heard that expression used before? Because I haven’t heard it. I mean, I just…I came up with it a couple of days ago and I thought it was good. It’s what you have to do.

It’s…
Trump: Yeah, what you have to do is you have to put something in before you can get something out.

Let’s put aside the fact that Donald Trump has no earthly idea what Keynesian economics is. And let’s pretend that he wasn’t lying out his ass about us being the highest-taxed country. The fact that elementary economic theory is new to him doesn’t mean it’s new to people who aren’t completely fucking illiterate.

 

Did Trump Have a Stroke During the Interview?

Great! We’re going to wind up in a trade war because our geriatric president thinks he’s watching a football game now.

Trump: Part of the problem with NAFTA is that Mexico’s a VAT. So Mexico is paying almost…we pay 17%. So we are now down 17%, going into Mexico when we trade. So that’s like, you have a football team and every time they play a game, they’re down, you know, 25 points. How can you possibly do good?

But would you consider…
Trump: You could actually make the case, that the 17 is doubled. You can make that case. You know, it’s 17 and it’s really 17 and it’s a double.

Mr Mnuchin: Right

Trump’s Healthcare Plan: Please Die Indoors

The CBO predicted that 24 million people would lose health insurance under the first failed AHCA plan. But the Republicans weren’t going to get fooled again, so they voted on the second, even worse plan with no CBO score. Crafty! Will 30 million people lose coverage now that insurance companies can jack up premiums $100,000 for cancer survivors? Well, Trump hopes those people have the decency to drag their carcasses inside before expiring. Because dying on the streets is just rude!

One of the things that was so different about your campaign message compared to other Republicans was, you said things like “I want everyone to be covered”.
Trump: We’re not going to let people die on the streets.

But some people will look at this bill and say, hang on, a lot of people are going to lose their coverage.
Trump: OK. So we have a pool for people that are having difficulty. We have got a pool. It’s a high-risk pool. And this pool we just funded yesterday, we’re putting in $8bn, into the pool. So depending on what states do…because I would like to see states taking over health care, I think they could do a better job than the federal government. Now in some cases that’ll be great, like in Florida that works fantastically with Rick Scott, and a couple of others. And in some states it isn’t, where they’re not equipped to do it. But ultimately, you know I use the expression, “If you have a bad knee, I would rather have the federal government focus on North Korea than fixing your knee.”

Donald Trump is very busy hooting like a silverback at North Korea, ATM. It is very selfish of Americans to ask him to fix their owies at the same time! Here’s $8 billion dollars to get you started. Yes, you probably need $300 billion to cover that high-risk pool. Maybe you should have a bake sale!

Donald Trump’s Very Sophisticated Understanding of Health Insurance Gleaned from Watching Commercials on Fox News

We know that Donald Trump believes in taking healthcare away from babies when their parents piss you off. But we are just asking whether Donald Trump thinks health insurance works like that baby burial insurance scam on TV? Is our Treasury going to be run like Cash4Gold now?

You’re going to have absolute guaranteed coverage. You’re going to have it if you’re a person going in…don’t forget, this was not supposed to be the way insurance works. Insurance is, you’re 20 years old, you just graduated from college, and you start paying $15 a month for the rest of your life and by the time you’re 70, and you really need it, you’re still paying the same amount and that’s really insurance.

Why, yes, Donald! We are also in favor of single-payer healthcare! How wise of you to propose it!

[ The Economist ]

This week is taking its toll, y’all! Please send money in case that pee tape leaks and we have to get drunk and watch it for you!

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