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oh for christ’s sake

On Wednesday, we got GRRR MAD because rumor had it Donald Trump was going to do an awful “Fuck The Gays” executive order, to protect bigoted religious morons from condemning themselves to eternal hellfire because the government forced them to be nice to gay people. It was allegedly going to be modeled after the “Fuck The Gays” bill in Mike Pence’s Indiana.

It turns out we got GRRR MAD too soon, because conman Donald Trump played his religious wingnut followers for the fools they are, for the most part.

In the Rose Garden on Thursday, after being introduced by slimy fake Christian Vice President Mike Pence, the snake oil salesman Trump addressed a crowd of slobbering morons, flanked by his “spiritual adviser,” the televangelist Paula White, who sells “resurrection seeds” for the low, low price of $1,144. The occasion was the National Day Of Prayer, because Donald Trump prays SO MUCH ALL THE TIME. And as promised, he signed a “religious freedom” executive order that says … basically not shit, really!

If you want to read the full thing, click here, or if you’re lazy, here’s the one page summary the White House distributed last night:

OMG HE FORGOT TO FUCK THE GAYS, WHAT A STUPID HEAD! Jared and Ivanka must have been like, “Dadddyyyyyyy, our hairdressers are gay and all the interior designers who put tacky gold-plating on everything at Mar-a-Lago are gay, daddddddddy NO!” Then they assured Daddy they would help him make it look like he was doing something for religious right fuckheads, even though he wasn’t.

The first part is meaningless. The second part about the Johnson Amendment is particularly stupid, but it plays into wingnut Christians’ fantasies that their churches are going to lose their tax exempt status because pastors are endorsing politicians from the pulpit. This hardly ever happens, because the IRS looks at them and goes, “You’re shittin’ me! The pastor of Sister-Fucker Pentecostal Church in Cowfarts, Alabama, supports the anti-abortion warrior candidate? WHOA IF TRUE.” But in conservative Christians’ heads, “urban” (black people) churches get away with being political, so the playing field should be “leveled,” by allowing white evangelical churches to have a voice in the political process for the first time EVER. This is why churches across the country have a thing every year called Pulpit Freedom Sunday, where they do “civil disobedience” and endorse candidates from the pulpit, and afterward the PC police murders all the pastors ritualistically while Lord Devil Obama giggles. (FACTCHECK: Nah.)

As NBC notes, the Johnson Amendment stands, and changing that would require an act of Congress. But please endorse your local Republican from the pulpit this Sunday!

The third thing is about slut pills, and basically affirms the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision that says companies run by God-botherers shouldn’t have to provide birth control in their health plans, because that makes baby Jesus cry. It also means that the Justice Department will drop its appeal in the case of the Little Sisters of the Poor, a group of nuns who have been crucified, died and were buried by the Obamacare slut pill mandate, because they were forced to fill out a form that says “WE don’t want to give out slut pills, so we will allow SOMEBODY ELSE to do it.” Nobody knows the trouble they’ve seen, nobody knows but Jesus …

During Trump’s little Rose Garden ceremony, two nuns from the Little Sisters of the Poor were invited to stand onstage with Trump, in striking distance of his puss-grabbing paws. We were honestly a bit worried for them.

Here’s some of Trump’s statement:

“Faith is deeply embedded into the history of our country, the spirit of our founding and the soul of our nation … We will not allow people of faith to be targeted, bullied or silenced anymore.”

Weep, ye nations, for the forcibly muted voices of conservative Christians, who have never been allowed to speak freely up to now! Fuck the Muslims still, though.

Some gay-hatin’, woman-hatin’ hate group leaders, like Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, were elated:

“The open season on Christians and other people of faith is coming to a close in America and we look forward to assisting the Trump administration in fully restoring America’s First Freedom,” Family Research Council President Tony Perkins said in a statement.

Sorry liberals, in Trump’s America, you are no longer allowed to hunt the Christians.

Other gay-hatin’ woman-hatin’ hate groups, like pretend “law firm” Alliance Defending Freedom, which runs around the nation defending Christians who get eated to death by lions are forced under penalty of death to frost cakes for queers, saw through the con. ADF senior counsel Gregory Baylor bitched in a statement that Trump’s EO doesn’t even protect people like Donald and Ellen Vander Boon of Michigan, who own a beef-making company and just want the freedom to put gay-bashing literature in the break room of their company, so their loyal beef-makers can learn how to gay-bash. Weep for them!

Baylor also notes that Trump’s supposed easing of the Johnson Amendment is toothless and the slut pill provision in the EO is “disappointingly vague.” Weak and sad! It’s almost like Trump conned literally the dumbest and worst people in the whole country, and now they’re shocked to learn he doesn’t fucking care about them.

Oh well. All in all, Trump’s executive order isn’t great or anything, which is why the ACLU is like “See you in court, losers!” But Trump didn’t really throw any real red meat at his hard right religious supporters, but rather sort of dick-slapped them with thin slices of Spam, like the conman he is.

Sad!

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[NBC / Trump’s fake executive order]

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