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oh for christ’s sake

On Wednesday, we got GRRR MAD because rumor had it Donald Trump was going to do an awful “Fuck The Gays” executive order, to protect bigoted religious morons from condemning themselves to eternal hellfire because the government forced them to be nice to gay people. It was allegedly going to be modeled after the “Fuck The Gays” bill in Mike Pence’s Indiana.

It turns out we got GRRR MAD too soon, because conman Donald Trump played his religious wingnut followers for the fools they are, for the most part.

In the Rose Garden on Thursday, after being introduced by slimy fake Christian Vice President Mike Pence, the snake oil salesman Trump addressed a crowd of slobbering morons, flanked by his “spiritual adviser,” the televangelist Paula White, who sells “resurrection seeds” for the low, low price of $1,144. The occasion was the National Day Of Prayer, because Donald Trump prays SO MUCH ALL THE TIME. And as promised, he signed a “religious freedom” executive order that says … basically not shit, really!

If you want to read the full thing, click here, or if you’re lazy, here’s the one page summary the White House distributed last night:

OMG HE FORGOT TO FUCK THE GAYS, WHAT A STUPID HEAD! Jared and Ivanka must have been like, “Dadddyyyyyyy, our hairdressers are gay and all the interior designers who put tacky gold-plating on everything at Mar-a-Lago are gay, daddddddddy NO!” Then they assured Daddy they would help him make it look like he was doing something for religious right fuckheads, even though he wasn’t.

The first part is meaningless. The second part about the Johnson Amendment is particularly stupid, but it plays into wingnut Christians’ fantasies that their churches are going to lose their tax exempt status because pastors are endorsing politicians from the pulpit. This hardly ever happens, because the IRS looks at them and goes, “You’re shittin’ me! The pastor of Sister-Fucker Pentecostal Church in Cowfarts, Alabama, supports the anti-abortion warrior candidate? WHOA IF TRUE.” But in conservative Christians’ heads, “urban” (black people) churches get away with being political, so the playing field should be “leveled,” by allowing white evangelical churches to have a voice in the political process for the first time EVER. This is why churches across the country have a thing every year called Pulpit Freedom Sunday, where they do “civil disobedience” and endorse candidates from the pulpit, and afterward the PC police murders all the pastors ritualistically while Lord Devil Obama giggles. (FACTCHECK: Nah.)

As NBC notes, the Johnson Amendment stands, and changing that would require an act of Congress. But please endorse your local Republican from the pulpit this Sunday!

The third thing is about slut pills, and basically affirms the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision that says companies run by God-botherers shouldn’t have to provide birth control in their health plans, because that makes baby Jesus cry. It also means that the Justice Department will drop its appeal in the case of the Little Sisters of the Poor, a group of nuns who have been crucified, died and were buried by the Obamacare slut pill mandate, because they were forced to fill out a form that says “WE don’t want to give out slut pills, so we will allow SOMEBODY ELSE to do it.” Nobody knows the trouble they’ve seen, nobody knows but Jesus …

During Trump’s little Rose Garden ceremony, two nuns from the Little Sisters of the Poor were invited to stand onstage with Trump, in striking distance of his puss-grabbing paws. We were honestly a bit worried for them.

Here’s some of Trump’s statement:

“Faith is deeply embedded into the history of our country, the spirit of our founding and the soul of our nation … We will not allow people of faith to be targeted, bullied or silenced anymore.”

Weep, ye nations, for the forcibly muted voices of conservative Christians, who have never been allowed to speak freely up to now! Fuck the Muslims still, though.

Some gay-hatin’, woman-hatin’ hate group leaders, like Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, were elated:

“The open season on Christians and other people of faith is coming to a close in America and we look forward to assisting the Trump administration in fully restoring America’s First Freedom,” Family Research Council President Tony Perkins said in a statement.

Sorry liberals, in Trump’s America, you are no longer allowed to hunt the Christians.

Other gay-hatin’ woman-hatin’ hate groups, like pretend “law firm” Alliance Defending Freedom, which runs around the nation defending Christians who get eated to death by lions are forced under penalty of death to frost cakes for queers, saw through the con. ADF senior counsel Gregory Baylor bitched in a statement that Trump’s EO doesn’t even protect people like Donald and Ellen Vander Boon of Michigan, who own a beef-making company and just want the freedom to put gay-bashing literature in the break room of their company, so their loyal beef-makers can learn how to gay-bash. Weep for them!

Baylor also notes that Trump’s supposed easing of the Johnson Amendment is toothless and the slut pill provision in the EO is “disappointingly vague.” Weak and sad! It’s almost like Trump conned literally the dumbest and worst people in the whole country, and now they’re shocked to learn he doesn’t fucking care about them.

Oh well. All in all, Trump’s executive order isn’t great or anything, which is why the ACLU is like “See you in court, losers!” But Trump didn’t really throw any real red meat at his hard right religious supporters, but rather sort of dick-slapped them with thin slices of Spam, like the conman he is.

Sad!

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[NBC / Trump’s fake executive order]

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  • msanthropesmr

    Open season on Christianity? How do I get my license to hunt using 🦁?

  • Chadwells

    I took a walk to calm down after this healthcare bullshit…and now this?

    • msanthropesmr

      Walk shmalk. This calls for bourbon.

      • Anna Rompage

        I’ve got 1/2 a bottle of 101 proof Wild Turkey waiting for me at home

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          Back to the store for more Mount Gay….lots more….

          • Indivisible Snark Tank

            (*whispers*) They get their own mountain? Wow, maybe I do want to join….

  • msanthropesmr

    Open season on Christianity? Sure seems like it with a vote to take away healthcare​ for the poor and sick among us.

  • msanthropesmr

    You know, I’m starting to hope that I’ve been wrong my entire life and that Christianity is the true light. That way, we Jesus comes back, hell kick all these GOP assholes in the nuts.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I had a similar thought today. Maybe there really is a god, but he doesn’t give too much of a fuck, so he just gives in to the biggest whiners he hears, hoping they’ll quiet down.

      • msanthropesmr

        I’m a firm agnostic. I don’t know what to think about a higher power, because I can’t believe that mankind is the Pinnacle of creation. But I hope that there is some sort of cosmic justice, because these chucklefucks gotta whole lot a karma run em down.

      • Anna Rompage

        The squeaky wheel gets the greases, and then a one way trip to hell, because nobody wants to live in eternity with a whiner…

    • Viktor DoKaren

      Yeah, they’d never accept an ‘actual’ Jesus. He was too liberal.

  • memzilla Ω

    Sorry liberals, in Trump’s America, you are no longer allowed to hunt the Christians.

    WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOW WITH ALL THESE SHAVING-CREAM PIES I JUST MADE???

    • msanthropesmr

      Turn them into necco wafers?

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        They’d taste better.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Fuck it – I still think this is the darkest day yet, in an increasingly paranoid and ridiculous attack on all the things that make America, well, great….(and, btw, now that Joe&Mika are getting their soap opera on, can I just say that I’m glad not to watch MSNBC?)…

    • msanthropesmr

      It’s always darkest before you find out that the light at the end of the tunnel is a train.

    • Michael R

      I hope I don’t get an image of Joe and Mika doing ” it ” stuck in my brain .

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        (fingers in ears) “Lalalalalalalalalallalalalalalalalalal”…..

  • MynameisBlarney
  • arglebargle

  • memzilla Ω

    This is especially infuriating because I’ve spent the last three years inventing a better Pulpit Muzzle™ — I replaced all those cumbersome buckles with velcro straps. Damn.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “Faith is deeply embedded into the history of our country, the spirit of our founding and the soul of our nation … We will not allow people of faith to be targeted, bullied or silenced anymore.”

    See, here’s what I don’t get. Cheeto Satan is about as far removed from Christianity of any kind as I am from doing actual P in V with a biological female (no offense to biological female Wonketteers. I love you truly, madly, deeply, and will do your hair and drink Cosmos with you and talk shit about your boyfriends, but P in V is not happening). So why on earth does any (alleged) Christian person anywhere believe anything this venal motherfucker says or promises or 3am-coke-tweets?

    • msanthropesmr

      Economic anxiety.

      • elviouslyqueer

        They think he’s preaching that whole Prosperity Gospel thing, like an older, less gay Joel Osteen with more awfuler hair?

        • msanthropesmr

          Actually, yes. That’s why Trump and deVos and others are in the Multi level marketing shit, that’s exactly the image and Creed they are selling.

    • msanthropesmr

      Also too, id like to embed my size 11s deeply in that motherfuckers ass.

    • Swampgas_Man

      They want to believe. And they’re kinda dumb; remember, these people believe shit from Pat Robertson and Tony Perkins, for Gawd’s sake.

    • UnsaltedSinner

      They do have a lot of experience in believing in strange and contradictory things.

    • grindstone

      Dude, Christ schmist, there was a black man in the white house! Gay people got rights and the earth didn’t explode! We started to recognize that trans-folk, and gay folk, and atheists actually exist. And that simply will *not* stand.

      The fact that these folks, who I know a bit too well, embraced Romney, when they normally treat Mormons like pure idolators was clue one. That they embrace this libertine is the clencher. They were losing power (so to them god was losing power, because they are their own god), and that was the end of the world.

      BTW, I would adore a cosmo, or an old fashioned, and would weep tears of joy if you’d do my hair or my makeup, and would never ask you for P in V (’cause I respect you and also I’m married). Standing invite.

  • Chadwells

    I think I’m done being online for the day…before I fucking go on a rampage….with votes. I’ve had enough.

  • Crystalclear12

    Huh, it’s like he just says shit people want to hear but then does whatever he wants.

    Weird.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • h4rr4r

    We need to tax churches the same as casinos.
    They are both gambling and entertainment venues.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      But with a casino, there’s at least a theoretical chance to hit the jackpot.

      • aureolaborealis

        Joel Osteen LIBELZZZ!!!!!!

      • willi0000000

        BINGO!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    We’re not allowed to hunt Christians? But what about my 2nd Amendment right to bear glitter guns?

    • Fancy Meau-Faux
      • willi0000000

        that’ll get you shot by any cop* . . . anywhere . . . anytime.

        * not valid for the melanin challenged

    • aureolaborealis

      You misread it. It’s a right to glitter-gun bears. Knock yourself out.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    All executive departments and agencies (agencies) shall, to the greatest extent practicable and to the extent permitted by law, respect and protect the freedom of persons and organizations to engage in religious and political speech . . .

    So no more infiltrating mosques or threatening imams for speech, right?

    • elviouslyqueer

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

      *pauses for breath*

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    • whitroth

      And you’ll give the various Pagan paths tax breaks?

  • Ricky Gay

    He smacked them with Underwood deviled ham.

    • msanthropesmr

      On saltines, no less.

      • Ricky Gay

        Wheat Thins. Sad.Weak

        • whitroth

          Now wait just one minute: I like my brie on wheat thins, what you got agin’ ’em?

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        How the Red Cross gives that shit (or potted meat) to flood survivors and manages to maintain a positive public image is a mystery to me. They should be locked up at The Hague.

        • msanthropesmr

          (I like potted meat)

          • jodyleek

            Wait a sec…meat with pot in it? Sounds weird but I’d be willing to give it a try.

          • Toomush_Inferesistance

            Do you have anything without Spam in it?…

          • msanthropesmr

            I actually like spam. I am ashamed.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Those poor, persecuted Christians. Finally they’re getting a break.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/031cbb42973348963a8881492c1bc35eef27c95eea664eaa4eb0fc2d46efbfa6.gif

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Thiazin Red

    Is there one single good reason not to charge property tax on all religious buildings?

    • msanthropesmr

      No.

    • whitroth

      Certainly not on the hotels or golf courses.

    • theblackdog

      Counties would see it as a cash grab and raise everyone’s property taxes to collect more?

  • Lily412

    He might as well issue an order that says “Everyone can have ice cream for breakfast!” It would be equally meaningless. Executive branch, how does it work?!1

  • Beanz&Berryz

    And like the thin-sliced Spam-dicked man that he is ..,

  • I used to go to a megachurch. I got better.

    Anyway, I remember every Sunday before the election, they would produce these voter guides that they would hand out with the church bulletins. The voter guide would look at the issues that the leadership told us we should care about like abortion, the gays, the evolution and the prayers in schools and whether or not the candidates supported what was the ‘acceptable Christian position on this issues.’ Rather odd that justice and helping the poor never made it into those guides.

    The message was, of course, quite clear. Real true Christians would vote for the “Christian” Republican candidate because the Democrat was a Satanic baby killing homo-lover.

    And given that 81% of their evangelical followers dutifully marched off to the polls to fuck over the poor and vote away their neighbor’s health care because Donnie would help them push abortion back to the alleys where they think it belongs, I’m inclined to think that white evangelical churches are doing quite well getting out their ‘message’ even under the burdensome oppression of the Johnson amendment.

    • JohnBull

      I used to wonder if they were truly Christians. Now I wonder if they have an ounce of basic human kindness at all. Like, I would actually have to stop and think if saving them from a burning building would be a benefit to humanity.
      Sorry that got dark. But these people are literally killing us.

      • jodyleek

        They are not Christian. In order to be called Christian, you’d have to emulate Christ. I gave up Christianity and the badge Christian because to be a Christian, a true honest to god Christian, I’d have to give up my worldly possessions and walk the earth, like Cain in Kung Fu. These people calling themselves Christian are not what they say they are. If you stand in a garage you are not a car, no matter how much you think you are. They should not use that label for themselves unless they emulate Christ, which virtually zero percent do. What they should say is they are members of a Jesus club, which is far more accurate. They think he’s groovy and what not but they have no interest in making themselves uncomfortable for their faith. Which means their faith is hollow and useless. Besides, wouldn’t Jesus be pissed off that the Jesus clubhouses, too numerous to count in this country and costing billions to maintain, are vacant most of the week? And when they are occupied they are not filled with the sick or the poor or the dying or anyone who really needs help and hope?

        • valgalky23

          Some of the Mega Churches have them from cradle to grave. One of them in my home town offers Day Care, After School “activities”, Old folks “activities”, all kinds of stuff and of course to really be a member of good standing one wills all their monies to the church at death.

  • I still say there needs to be an Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption in every city and town

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance
  • Villago Delenda Est

    Pandering to morans. Typical.

  • mrFawkes

    To celebrate the news, Kim Davis’ renewed husband #5’s free perscription of boner pills then yelled at a gay cake baker for cramming their beliefs down her throat.

  • BRAINSTORM: Democrats rebrand as a religion, most sincerely held belief: GOP sucks

    • Vincent Ricola

      I will join this nunnery.

      Wait – there will be weed there, right?

      • Duh.

      • Crystalclear12

        Mandatory.

      • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

        And it’s a, uh, mixed nunnery, if you get my meaning.

        Bring condoms.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Just read that the ACA will get repealed after all? :(

    • Wild Cat

      Any women in the NL looking for a mate, Robert? I have some euros . . .

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Plenty I guess but I am looking for one myself. ;)

    • msanthropesmr

      Can you sponsor a yank? I’ll learn Dutch, learn to like croquettes and brootjes, and I already like advocaat.

      • Wild Cat

        Stroopenwaffels aren’t good enough for ya?

        • msanthropesmr

          One f. They’re plenty gut

          • Wild Cat

            Ausbleeft.

        • theblackdog

          Last month I finished the pack I brought back from The Hague. I miss them.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            Mail me your address and I’ll send you some. ;)

          • theblackdog

            Oooh really? :-D

    • willi0000000

      [ citation needed]

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Dutch newspaper that the newly proposed plan for healthcare reached 217 votes in favor of repealing.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Last I checked, it’s looking to either die or mutate in the Senate.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Did the Rethuglicans put it in their AHCA bill to allow government payments to faith healers? NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THE BILL!
    Ima have to take some time off from the internets. Ciao until later.

  • Hardly Ideal

    Pfff, Little Sisters of the Poor. So uptight about their faith, they can’t even be burdened by paperwork.

    First thought on remembering they were a thing: Fucking snowflakes…

    • Latverian Diplomat

      People misunderstand. Their full name is “Little Sisters of the Poor Decisions”. So naturally they with Trump on the wrong side of this issue.

  • capnkrunch

    “Dadddyyyyyyy, our hairdressers are gay and all the interior designers who put tacky gold-plating on everything at Mar-a-Lago are gay, daddddddddy NO!”

    Gay libelz! Gays have much better taste.

    • msanthropesmr

      Unfortunately, gays are just people like everyone else, and I know this is not true as a whole.

      • capnkrunch

        In fairness, I think people as a whole have much better taste than the Trumps.

        • msanthropesmr

          True

      • alpacapunchbowl

        And need to earn a living like the rest of us undesirables out here. If some stupid asshole wants to pay me big bucks to slap together some hideous shit, I’m not about to say no.
        Oh but wait, just like crime, trump doesn’t pay. Never mind.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “Hey, somebody’s gotta be the worst interior designer in town.”
        — A Gay person fights against the stereotype in his own way

        • BackDoorMan

          … I remember leaving a party hosted at the townhouse of a rather well-off gay couple who were notorious for their really bad fashion and interior design sense. Most heard comment when heading for the cars… “They’re gay? What happened? Did they get thrown out of the club?” Do they need an intervention?”

  • whitroth

    Damn it! My lord&master would do what he can, but I was waiting for that damn pride of lions for Debbil Obama to feed Christians to, and they never arrived, and now I won’t be able to feed them.

    Some dictator Obummer was!

    Coming next: Donnie nominates a horse to be a Senator.

    • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

      Rafalca libelz!!1!

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    “Hey, I’m president! Can you believe it?”

    ~Famous Catskill Stand Up Comedian Donald “Puss Grabber” Trump

    • BackDoorMan

      … “take my wife… no, really, she’s getting a little long in the tooth, and she’s no Ivanka.”

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I literally could not believe I heard the president of the US of America saying “hey, how’m I doin’, great, right? I mean, can you believe I’m president?”

        Honestly? No. NO, I can NOT fucking believe you are president of the USA.

  • Me not sure

    Part one is covered by the 1st Amendment.
    Part two is about a law that the IRS is only able to affect at the very narrowest of margins.
    Part three is merely an endorsement of a preexisting SCOTUS decision.
    So what is new here?

    • ariel_gee_398

      The skin color of the president?

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Your mom!

      Congratulations, America, you’ve been Trumped.

      • Me not sure

        Hard! Is there such a thing as a good “grudge Trump”? There should be.

    • jesterpunk

      It sounds good to those poor persecuted christians?

  • Ωbjectifier

    “Sorry liberals, in Trump’s America, you are no longer allowed to hunt the Christians.”
    But I was drawn for 2 Pentecostals and a Mormon!

    • aureolaborealis

      And I have an antlerless Southern Baptist tag! Goddamn it!

      • Ωbjectifier

        Them’s good eatin’.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          nice fatty content and they don’t get all stringy from too much dancing

      • Me not sure

        I only got an Episcopalian. They are no challenge at all.

        • aureolaborealis

          Unitarians are easy, too, but I can never quite decide what they taste like.

          • Me not sure

            Tofu Chicken, just like Tofu Chicken.

        • grindstone

          But they’re camouflaged so well in the country club upholstery, sometimes they’re hard to find.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      does that include bow season? Can I at least shoot a couple from an airplane?

      • jesterpunk

        Only if they are sleeping.

      • shastakoala

        That’s just for endangered species.

      • aureolaborealis

        Of course! And now in national parks!

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Shit. Anyone know where I can unload two like-new lions?

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      2 Pentacostals? Is that the book after the one about two Corinthians?

      • Ωbjectifier

        Corinthians are better for tanning. Fine leather you know.

    • shastakoala

      But catch and release is still ok.

    • Duke

      Bicoastal is one thing but pentacoastal is way cooler.

  • Mpeg

    “For I was hungry, and you fed me;
    I was naked, and you clothed me.
    I was running my claptrap arguing for more Christianical privileges to deny LGBT my business or service or employment or benefits,
    and you said, “Meh.”

  • jesterpunk

    There is a big huge eleventy billion dollar mega church near me that supports conservative candidates from the pulpit already. They also every labor day tell people how they should thank the job creators for allowing them to have jobs to feed their families. I guess Obama was going to get to them right after he took everyones guns away from them.

    • Wild Cat

      Throw a molotov cocktail through their ugly windows.

      • jesterpunk

        Then the county will just give them more tax breaks and other money to build a bigger mega church to scam more people.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      They’ve been politicking from the pulpit since the Reagan days

      • OrG

        At least…

      • Contemplative Ron

        Since at least Father Coughlin. Prolly earlier.

  • jesterpunk

    The gospel of Supply Side Jesus.(thank you Al Franken).

    http://www.beliefnet.com/news/2003/09/the-gospel-of-supply-side-jesus.aspx

  • Clyde Barrow

    I just started a new religion where I’m allowed to discriminate against Bible thumpers, Republicans, and other assorted malevolent creatures. This religious freedumb thing is going to be a riot, let’s do this!

    • jesterpunk

      How would that work with the church of the dude? Also I would like to hear more of your ideas, do you have a newsletter?

      • Clyde Barrow

        No newsletter, sorry. I’m following our Great Leader’s paradigm of Ad-Hoc (just make up shit on the go) leadership. But I can guarantee that our members will not have to symbolically eat the flesh and drink the blood of a Jewish zombie, because that’s just creepy.

        Also, we take no tithes. If you want to feed and shelter a homeless person, we encourage it. And you can leave your hat on. I’ll make up some more shit as this thing snowballs out of my control…

  • Bebecca

    I’m somehow laughing at this, that the Christianists thought they were going to be able to discriminate against all the people they hate and jesus does too and Trump somehow conned them. You know they were salivating at the thought, then blam! nothing much. pence probably raced away from the unveiling in tears, crying for Mother! So Trump is a liar to everyone, good to know.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Don’t worry. President Pence will get to it. Assuming he survives the Russian treason proceedings.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    So, Church of Toomush is going to have to incorporate. Fuck those taxes. Who’s in?…

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Do you have any commandments we need to follow? I’ll start

      I. Thou shalt not love thy republicans, for they hath no brains, honor, or testicles.
      II. Thy fundigelicals are of the demon spawn, and shall be smited with pointy votes.

  • Crystalclear12

    I was supposed to be hunting Christians?
    Damn, sorry, my bad.

    • Preexisting Jack Tenhet

      I’m sayin’! If I’d known Obama had insituted a Purge for xtians, I’d have. . .

    • randomhookup

      But it’s still okay to set up humane traps in your back yard.

  • Bemused

    Generally speaking, I can almost always tell who the US Council of Catholic Bishops would like me to vote for. It’s always the anti-abortion guy. It doesn’t matter what other issues that guy supports or what other positions he holds, if he’s the anti-abortion guy, he’s the one they want me to vote for. (my answer to the USCCB is no, but, you know, I know who they want me to vote for. It wasn’t a secret before this.)

    • alpacapunchbowl

      This is one of the things that appalled and infuriated me back when I was still a Catholic.

  • snark-lurker

    WTF are ressurection seeds?

    • shastakoala

      They grow into beanstalks straight up to heaven.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        So $1,144 is what a cow costs nowadays? I call BULL. Not, really, come here bull, come get in this trailer. Come now. Baby needs a new pair of shoes and a beanstalk!

      • C4TWOMAN

        I want one!

    • Clyde Barrow

      Pretty sure it’s a Borg trick to assimilate everyone. Just avoid them.

    • Shanzgood

      I dunno but they prolly smell like bacon.

    • chicken thief

      Shit to sell to suckers.

    • Preexisting Jack Tenhet
      • therblig

        so, the christian post reports on it, but doesn’t say “this is the biggest pile of fucking bullshit since microfiber shrouds of turin?”

    • Contemplative Ron

      An idea I wish I’d had. One seed woulda paid for new whitewalls for the car.

    • ken_kukec

      Ask Jack; he swapped the family cow for some.

  • chicken thief

    The nuns would have been concerned about The Short Fingered Vulgarian puss grabbing them if they were standing close to him out of habit.

    • snark-lurker

      ICWYDT : )

  • Swampay

    Hey wait! What!??! I can hunt “Christians” unless they hurry up and outlaw it!??! Ok, now I want me some sweet sweet second amendment coverage. I’ma gonna go a’huntin.

  • Preexisting Jack Tenhet

    Awwwww! So I don’t get to hunt Christians for sport anymore?

    I haz a sad now!

    Well, guess I’ll have to go back to the days of xtian hunting by the cover of night and dumping the remains in Red Hook. That’s gonna throw my entire Sunday off.

    • Bobo the Dork Boy

      I think catch-and-release is still legal.

      • Contemplative Ron

        Yeah, but if you don’t keep their numbers down they’ll over-breed and ruin their environment. It’s really a kindness to cull the herd.

        • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

          Trap-neuter-release!

  • greyXstar

    Con artist cons a group of rubes, film at 11

  • chicken thief

    Pence is going to be so pumped by that EO that he’s going back to the Blair House and just fucking the living shit out of Mother. He’ll have her screaming to God in six languages.

    Or maybe they’ll just celebrate with a nice glass of lemonade.

    • snark-lurker

      Mother will tighten his ball-gag extra hard

    • randomhookup

      I’m pretty sure the VPOTUS lives at the Naval Observatory.

      • chicken thief

        Does that roon my otherwise visually disgusting joke?

    • Rags

      No, they will just get down on their knees and pray for forgiveness.

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      He doesn’t like to bother Mother, though, so he’ll just fuck his male intern. He’ll be screaming to God in six languages.

  • WiscoJoe

    TBH, Resurrection Seeds are probably a lot more viable than the AHCA.

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      You guys, I think we’ve found the best way to keep Wonkette funded! We sell the fuckwits seeds! Seeds for a “riches” flower–you plant it, and if it grows properly, you become magically rich, money manifests itself to you. Oh, it didn’t? That’s because you didn’t plant ENOUGH, and also you must have “negative energy” that are blocking the money that is meant for you. Rid yourself of your “negative energy” with these special carefully curated “energy vitamins,” act now for a special offer–both seeds AND vitamins for only $2433! Special bonus: a “baby” doll that looks really lifelike, and that enables you to pretend to have the milk of human kindness.

      Alternative plan: the seeds for “riches flowers” are prozac.

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Can’t the seeds be thorazine? If they knock themselves out for a couple years the Dems might have a running start at 2018.

        • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

          That works for me!

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Today was remembrance day in the Netherlands. The day we remember our fallen soldiers and civilians in WW2 and the many wars after that. It means we all remain silent for 2 minutes at 8PM. I found this such a simple but beautiful picture. A domino’s pizza’s delivery guy on bike paying his respects at 8PM:

    https://twitter.com/jerroenbakker/status/860198097296777217

    • In america that domino’s delivery guy would have just lost his health insurance and the vets would have had 5 VA centers closed.

      I am sorry it is a beautiful picture but it is a very bad day here.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        I fully understand. As a Dutchman I was a liitle shocked to just read this just as well.

        • Up In Smoke O’hontas

          Thank you for reminding those of us in the thick of this stupidity that humanity exists and is worth fighting for.

  • It would be really nice if literally every church that participated in “Pulpit Freedom Sunday” lost their tax exempt status. That would be a just world.

    • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

      It would be really nice if literally every church that participated in “Pulpit Freedom Sunday” lost their tax exempt status. That would be a just world.

      FIFY.

      After all, fleecing the rubes is one of the oldest professions around.

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        They didn’t invent the game, but they play it masterfully.

      • Your ideas intrigue me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter…

  • maxneanderthal

    Memo to all those Bronze Age cultists surrounding Generallisimo Smallpaws McCantread- When you sup with devil, be sure to use a very long spoon…

    • Tiffany de Houston

      Generallisimo Smallpaws McCantread! I love it!

      • valgalky23

        Clockwork Orange does win the prize for most and bestest nick names of any Pres yet. Generallisimo Smallpaws McCantread is my new fav of the week.

  • ken_kukec

    Hell, this keeps up, won’t hardly be worth payin’ for a Xtian-huntin’ license this season.

    Good thing I bagged my limit last year.

    • Kooolest G

      and if I can’t hunt christians, what am I gonna do with all this bait I bought???? does anybody have any other use for a stack of gay porn magazines

  • I just had an ACA client try to get on medicaid by failing to report his 8K monthly IRA distribution. Yesterday he made a crack about illegals getting free insurance but not white people like him.

    Telling him he was way over income was a sweet moment on this day.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      It’s the little things…

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    According to Little Donnie, “Fuck the gays” is in the Constitution: One Corinthian 6:17

  • Contemplative Ron

    Please, Donnie, keep publicly disappointing your supporters.

  • OrG

    So,”Little Sisters of the Poor” ISN’T from an Onion piece?

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Nor is “The Seven Sorrows of the Sorrowful Mother Children’s Home.” Google it. It’s a thing.

  • Bitter Scribe

    …all the interior designers who put tacky gold-plating on everything at Mar-a-Lago are gay…

    You mean there are gay designers with bad taste?

    • AJ Milne

      It’s more that some of ’em, they love the camp… for the sake of campiness.

      That the client might not grasp he _is_ the camp, whatevs, so long as he paid.

      (In Trump’s case, as previously observed: in cash, upfront.)

    • Bad Scooter

      Of course not; but while the designers might disagree with their classy client’s lifestyle, they’ll still take his money and will frost his cake the way he likes it.

      The “religious objectors” that run small businesses could learn a lot about customer service – and humility, a quality Jesus promoted – from the gay community.

    • BackDoorMan

      … sure, if the client demands it and the money is right, anyone can compromise their values. Gay designers just wisely leave it off the resume.

  • AJ Milne

    It’s almost like he figures anyone who’ll buy the ‘resurrection seeds’ thing isn’t exactly gonna read the fine print.

    In a saner world, in which there were justice (there is not, or at least not as any kinda cosmic guarantee; justice is found only when humans sufficiently insistently insist, in my ever so humble opinion), the fuckers grifted like this would eventually wake up angry, and there’d be talk previously (probably mis)ascribed to Diderot of (would be) kings, priests, and entrails…

    This apparently isn’t that world, as yet. And it’s incredible, really, how if you just focus their hate elsewhere, you can rob them blind while they’re sharpening pitchforks and lighting torches. The Jews, the Cathars, the gays, the Muslims, the blacks, women, the pointy headed intellectuals… And yea, that _this_ is the con they fall for doth verily reduce my sympathy, by degrees…

    Still. Misascribed Diderot, where ya _been_, dawg? The world misses you.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • Erala Contratista

      What the is a gaggle????

      • Carpe Vagenda

        It’s what the kind of journalist who calls themselves a ‘journo’ because they’ve never stopped being bitter about being unpopular in HS calls a press conference.

      • Wookie Monster

        A group of geese.

  • Kooolest G

    wait till the same people that gave you citizens united get a hold of this EO. think about it, giving $ to a candidate, no tax deduction, giving $ to a super PAC, no tax deduction, giving $ to a mega church that runs it’s own ads endorsing their chosen bible thumper, ding ding ding, you guessed it…tax deduction

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      You nailed it there. Imagine the ameros it takes to build a crystal cathedral megachuch and imagine if that money could be anonymously funneled to a politician. Why, we’d end up with puppets in gold plated penthouses in charge of our government… Oh. Shit. Well, even more puppets in gold plated penthouses in charge of our government.

    • Lordpnut

      Now why did you have to go and piss all over my Rapture shoes?
      Oh well. Thanks for keeping we sinners honest. See you back at the lake of fire.

  • randomhookup

    I offered to frost a gay man’s cake and I’ll admit I got a little tingly.

    • Ωbjectifier

      Frost a cake. Is that what the kids call it these days?

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Damn, I’m old. I’m still calling it “Netflix and chill.”

  • Poly_Ester

    Trump’s next EO will suspend reason and logic because they are getting in the way of his agenda. “Cause and effect had to go” said the President.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      “They tell me that gravity first came about over 15 billion years ago. Fifteen billion, that’s billion people. Can you believe it? That archaic system of gravity. So old. We have to do something. Believe me.” – Lord Drumpf

  • azeyote

    now that corporations are people, a government for and by the people is finally here –

  • chascates

    Stands to reason a made-up bullshit executive order would be perfect for people frightened of a made-up bullshit deity.

  • MOG253

    FFS now my score card is a mess.

  • TundraGrifter

    If deeply held religious beliefs are sufficient grounds for opting out of certain Federal health care laws, can consciousness objectors not pay the portion of their Federal income tax that goes to support the US Military?

    • Steffy93

      I’m pretty sure the text of the 1st Amendment includes conscientious objectors.

      • TundraGrifter

        But that’s not the Amendment that makes the Federal income tax legal.

        • Steffy93

          It’s the one about religious freedom.

          • TundraGrifter

            Agreed. I know CO’s have refused to pay a portion of their Federal income taxes based on their freedom of religion. I’m not aware of any tax court case(s) where that has been upheld.

            These fools are only making the next such case even stronger.

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            1(that I know of) appeal denied on standing, not merits. No need to quibble about it, now we can make a federal case over it!

          • TundraGrifter

            My uncle was a CO during WW II. The story of the members of the American Society of Friends who refused to serve is fascinating. Many were well-educated. They were sent to work in mental hospitals for “alternative service” as punishment. The conditions in those institutions were snake pit. Just horrible. They publicized the miserable state of these establishments and did much good work in getting them improved.

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Wrong document. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Lose a turn.

        • Steffy93

          Huh?

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            Went over your head with that one, eh?

    • Mike Steele

      Been there; tried that. Notion was popular, though a no-go during Vietnam war.

  • TundraGrifter

    Still working the old “prayer cloth” bit! Wow!

    http://www.christianpost.com/news/televangelist-paula-white-hawks-resurrection-life-1144-dollar-seed-162088/

    I guess there’s really no need to come up with a new scheme when the old tried-and-true ones continue to bring in the money from the rubes and the gulls.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHrveS2PUvY

  • Steffy93

    Was this article written by an angry drunk 14 year old?

    • Wookie Monster

      No but, fun fact, most of Trump’s executive orders are.

    • TundraGrifter

      Somebody’s jealous…

      • Steffy93

        To be drunk and 14 again :)

        • 15 was your peak, wasn’t it

          • Steffy93

            15 was fun too!

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Evan. Thank you. Brilliant.

  • mary5920

    Those Little pOOR sisters seem to like to fool the rubes too, since they don’t mind standing next to that orange creep as he does his carnival barking. Maybe they should pony up for some of them resurrection seeds and get a prayer cloth, and just go straight to h*ll.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      The Nuns on a Bus could totally kick their asses. Just sayin’

  • Wookie Monster

    Trump didn’t invite Two Corinthians to the signing ceremony?

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Not even their one cup.

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        What you did there… I see it. And now I will pass on dinner.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Two Corinthians ride into a bar on pale horses.

      • Lordpnut

        …and knocked the multitude clean off their respective barstools with one liter of house gin. It was a motherfucking miracle – and I want you to acknowledge it.

  • Scooby

    Does this apply to the Muslims too?

    • Hannelore Maxwell

      Well, Perkins said “The open season on Christians and other people of faith is coming to a close in America .”

      I’m assuming this includes Muslims
      and any of the roughly 4,200 other religions .

      • Scooby

        Somehow I don’t think that was thier intention.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Ayup. Tax free, politicking, prosthelytizing Sharia law for everyone! Scientology COME ON DOWN!!!!

      • SCK

        And us Pastafarians too! Now we can really cook up some spaghetti!

        • CripesAmighty

          Break out the collection coleander.

      • Lordpnut

        Most excellent. I got some seeds once from a Buddhist monk,and when I smoked the fruit I became irradiated by effulgent light. I became most Jesus-like for the next four hours or so. I highly recommend the low-impact religious journey.

      • Tosca

        Church of Satan, DO YOUR THING!!

  • Stulexington

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t the Johnson Amendment mainly cover financial contributions and support from the pulpit is still sorta kinda covered by the first amendment? So civil disobedience from the pulpit is just some meaningless pr stunt that … oooooooh I get it.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Money being “speech” muddied the waters a tad…wish there were a simple fix for that…ooohh. BUT HER EMAILS!

  • TundraGrifter

    There is a very interesting comparison to the tea baggers getting all upset because the IRS didn’t instantly grant their little groups tax-exempt status. The lie was the Service wanted to influence the election.

    Interestingly, if those groups are tax-exempt their primary purpose is not supposed to be political. So how could this influence the outcome of the election since they weren’t supposed to be engaged in political activity in the first place?

    Not to mention the fact that their applications were in process didn’t keep them from doing or not doing anything legal.

    Bottom Line: If you want to form a tax exempt entity (other than a corporation, of course – half of them pay no Federal income taxes each year) there is a trade-off. There are some things that entity can’t do.

  • Up In Smoke O’hontas

    Well, shit, don’t make federal case about it, man…actually, make a bunch of federal cases about it!

  • Mavenmaven

    I’m starting to feel like Ruckley from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, endlessly repeating “F*** them all”

  • Shoto

    I need to get me a whole bucket full of Paula White’s scammy grifter holy Jeezuz miracle seeds. Do you think she’d give me a quantity discount? Ya know, sorta like the Costco of Babby Jeezuz crap?

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Gay designer libelz!

  • So another meaningless EO. Does this mean that it is still open season?

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      The season continues until Dump is not only out of the White House, but in the poor house. Like how in karate you aim six inches past the target.

      • Old Man Yells at Cloud

        I’d rather see Lil’Donnie in the big house.

  • Shoto

    The takeaway on this is (or should be) that Xtian fundies, including, in particular, teevee evangelist grifters have been humping rightwing politics as an integral part of their grift for literally decades.

    • Time to tax the lot of them, since they worship money, not Jesus, and money is under the discretion of the federal government.

      • Shoto

        I’m all for that.

      • Husband Of Mrs God

        Give unto Caesar…

  • Shoto

    Grifty Paula says, “When you sow that $1,144 based on John 11:44 I believe for resurrection life. Also, too, I need moar plastic surgery, and a new Mercedes, and that shit don’t come cheap. Max out your credit cards, sew some seeds, and Braise the Lord.”

    OK, I paraphrased the last two sentences, but it was pretty damn close to what she actually said.

    • phoenix00

      > Braise the Lord

      And mmmm mmm it was gooooood.

    • Keith Gargus

      Quote: for this is my flesh, end quote. Just sayin’.

  • Keith Gargus

    So when Jim Bob Boy drags a gay behind his truck, claiming lil’ Donny legalized it, what then?

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Two years probation and time served?

  • I wonder how this will affect my snake cult…

  • Jukesgrrl

    Right before this signing ceremony, a white male sang The Lord’s Prayer. In the White House rose garden. How disgusting is that?

  • YayConspiracy

    But Sharia Law is bad, did I get that right?

  • motmelere

    Does this thing allow issues-oriented PACs to launder their donations through a church now? Not a lawyer is asking if dark money just became deductible.

    • mfp

      not a real lawyer, either–just a former jailhouse one, but uhhhh….

      i’d say yeah, that’s pretty much what it looks like

    • Elaine Elizabeth

      Ugh. Hadn’t even thought of that part of it.

  • Mike Steele

    Lady MS: As a proud, card-carrying member of Americans United (for the Separation of Church & State), you cannot imagine my relief when ACLU scoured this puppy, then said: Go home, folks – nothing to see here. We’ve got this. Nevertheless, since knee-jerk Drumpf responds reflexively to the last babble he heard, we remain hypervigilant…and, at this stage of life, fuckin’ exhausted.

  • Internet Hitler

    Every Jew, Muslim, SubGenius, Satanist and Scientologist rejoice! You may now endorse all the Democrats you want without being persecuted by Trumpologists!

  • Truly Madly Derply

    Poor Donald and Ellen Vander Boon just got a big old rear-entry snausaging. TERRIFIC!

  • Old Man Yells at Cloud

    Doing the math:
    1) Magic beans cost Jack a cow.
    2) A few years ago, the price of a cow was ” $910 for a 1300 pound cow (www.farmandranchguide.com/…cow…value…/article_94e22c5a-4601-11e1-8214-0019…)
    3) She charges $1,144 for her magic beans.
    4) Seems about right.

    Anyone know the going price for singing harps and golden egg laying geese? This might be good deal as long as you don’t get eaten by the giant.

  • Keith Taylor

    “Our Bible reveals to us the character of our god with minute and remorseless exactness… It is perhaps the most damnatory biography that exists in print anywhere. It makes Nero an angel of light and leading by contrast.”
    — Mark Twain

  • Elaine Elizabeth

    Brilliantly written. Thank you.

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