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It’s a blatant attack on European cultures!

Poor oppressed human conspiracy pop-up dispenser Alex Jones has been having a rough week, what with his completely insane, sad custody trial, and now he’s being sued by Greek yogurt company Chobani over some typically Jonesian “journalism” that falsely claimed the company was connected with last summer’s sexual assault of a 5-year-old girl in Twin Falls, Idaho; Jones’s Infowars website also claimed the company’s plant near Twin Falls (mandatory description: world’s largest yogurt factory) was responsible for a tuberculosis outbreak.

Idaho Yogurt Maker Caught Importing Migrant Rapists,” read an April 11 tweet from Infowars highlighted in the complaint. The tweet linked to a video containing what Chobani said were false statements about the company. The complaint also cited an August 2016 article that suggested Chobani was responsible for a “500% increase in tuberculosis in Twin Falls.”

Chobani had requested Jones remove the reports, which are still up on Jones’s YouTube channel and his Infowars site. The lawsuit cites calls for boycotts of the company by irate Jones followers, who are already swarming with far less healthy bacterial colonies.

“The Defendants’ defamatory statements have caused and continue to cause harm to Idaho residents, including Chobani employees, their families, and other members of the Twin Falls community associated with Chobani,” read the complaint.

The Infowars video segment from April 11 claims Chobani CEO founder Hamdi Ulukaya, who’s from Turkey and therefore a dangerous threat to Western Culture, was somehow connected to the 2016 sexual assault of a little girl by three boys aged 7, 10, and 14 at the time, who eventually pleaded guilty in juvenile court. While the crime was horrible enough as it was, the rightwing blogosphere exaggerated the incident into a “gang rape” at knifepoint by a mob of Syrian refugees; several rightwing blogs buried the ages of the assailants far enough in the text that a casual reader might assume the crime had been committed by adults. The boys were also not from Syria, but from Iraq and Sudan.

The Infowars report suggested that the story of the assault had been ignored by the mainstream media or downplayed by reports that focused on the right’s hyperbolic exaggerations, because of course Big Media is in league with Big Yogurt to flood America with refugees, any of whom could be a rapist:

So interestingly, while this story of these three refugee boys pleading guilty has received almost zero national attention, the owner there of Chobani was given a very glowing 60 Minutes interview where they praised him for being such a great “jobs creator.”

The report went on to state a Breitbart report saying the Chobani factory had “brought not only refugees, but crime and tuberculosis” had been falsely derided as “fake news,” and that the 60 Minutes profile of Ulukaya was part of an effort to sweep the crime under the carpet and rehabilitate the image of Chobani. (Just to get extra ridiculous, the anchor, Alexander Jones, intones that while they call it “Greek yogurt,” the owner is actually Turkish, OMG!) Also — very very scary — Ulukaya has been connected with the Clinton Global Initiative and with Davos! And he wormed his way into getting his yogurt into Michelle Obama’s terrifying healthy school lunch program, even though he’s still a Turkish citizen! The report then moved seamlessly into a litany of stories about radical Muslim terrorism in Europe.

Jones responded to the lawsuit with a YouTube statement vowing eternal defiance to the terrible globalists at Chobani, claiming that hie very special “sources” inside Congress and the White House had assured him the Chobani lawsuit was being orchestrated by George Soros, who in addition to rigging the world economy and being behind the poison gas attacks in Syria, always finds extra time to Make Life Difficult For Alex Jones. Let’s just assume Jones’s sources are shape-shifting aliens who have occupied the bodies of a series of political aides since the Illuminati Masons built Washington DC, because that seems every bit as plausible. Credit to Washington Post reporter Derek Hawkins for presumably keeping a straight face as he typed, “Soros is not named in court documents, and there is nothing suggesting he is involved in any way.”

Says Jones in the video response,

I’m not backing down, I’m never giving up, I love this […] They have jumped the trillion-pound great white shark on this baby.

It’s not immediately clear from the video whether Alex Jones is actually saying that, or if it’s just the character he plays in those performances of his. We’ll assume it’s the character, since this latest rant wasn’t filmed in his car while he keeps missing the entrance to a parking lot.

We’re also not quite certain why George Soros would bother getting involved in the Chobani suit, which is only seeking $10,000 in damages, plus attorney fees and an admission from Jones that his stories were wrong. Now that he’s promised to fight unto his last breath, expect him to remove the video and other stories, say they were taken out of context, and that he never had a problem with Chobani at all, just as he did when threatened with a lawsuit over his promotion of “Pizzagate.” Then again, maybe he’ll decide to pay out the $10K, which he can make up later by selling more Trucker Speed.

Now that Jones is seeing conspiracies in creamy strained yogurt, however, we sure hope he doesn’t come across this brilliant John Scalzi short-short story, “When the Yogurt Took Over.” He might find out the yogurt’s true plans for all of humanity.

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[WaPo / Buzzfeed / Whatever]

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  • memzilla Ω

    Anybody else see the irony of an uncultured moron doing a hit piece on a yogurt maker?

  • Anna Rompage

    If Alex Jones drowned in a tub of greek yogurt out in the woods, would anyone hear him gurgling away, and more important, would anyone really care?

    • tehbaddr

      Special blend!

    • Shanzgood

      Waste of good yogurt, though.

      • MynameisBlarney

        We could….uh…I mean…”someone” could use that GoGurt crap instead of real yogurt.

    • Chadwells

      Nope.

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    I’m not backing down, I’m never giving up, I love this […] They have jumped the trillion-pound great white shark on this baby.

    Anyone else picturing a neutron shark floating in space waiting to consume enough matter from its companions to become a black shark-hole!

    • Painter of Goats

      Not at first but I am now.

    • Amy!

      Neadz moar lazerz.

  • Anna Rompage

    You know why Alex doesn’t like yogurt?

    Because his happy ending massage therapist wife used to tell him the cream between her thighs was yogurt, instead of the truth, which was actually the special sauce from the other man/client she was just with…

  • Oblios_Cap

    Just to get extra ridiculous, the anchor, Alexander Jones, intones that while they call it “Greek yogurt,” the owner is actually Turkish, OMG!

    Finally! Just the guy that might be able to solve the Cyprus problem!

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      You’ll be shocked to find that Turkish coffee and Greek coffee are the same thing!

      • Oblios_Cap

        There was that time when people were squawking about the Turkish shepherd’s picture on the Greek yogurt. Like it really mattered.

      • Grumpy Twat

        Is there such a thing as Greek Delight?

  • Ezio

    Surprised he didn’t say yogurt contains chemicals designed to turn people gay.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, they’ll mellow you out, which is pretty much the same thing.

    • Painter of Goats

      No but next you’ll hear it’s a main ingredient in chemtrails.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Didn’t the Chobani owner also pledge most of his fortune to helping the refugees who are flooding into Europe? Such a monster.

  • GoutMachine

    Also — very very scary — Ulukaya has been connected with the Clinton Global Initiative and with Davos!

    Have they seriously not managed to wedge pizzagate into this? Methinks they’re losing their edge.

  • C4TWOMAN

    Welp, after Trump bombs Nordstroms, maybe Jones can ask him to strafe Chobani.

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    I’m not backing down, I’m never giving up, I love this [________]

    Fill in the blank.

    • Indivisible Snark Tank
      • jesterpunk

        What where we talking about?

        • Indivisible Snark Tank

          I forget. I had chili for lunch.

          • FlownΩver

            I saw that pic and lost mine.

      • birdbrain53

        Please. My eyes. Need bleach fast.

    • MynameisBlarney

      “Turgid Love Muscle”?

      • jesterpunk
      • elviouslyqueer
        • Oblios_Cap

          He’s already shown up.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Yup, I blocked him immediately.
            That was when we were trying to figure what happened with Anna.

          • jesterpunk

            What happened to Anna?

          • MynameisBlarney

            She got pissed off at someone and deleted her account.
            Still kind of wondering WTF happened honestly.

          • SeeTrain65

            Damn.

          • jesterpunk

            Damn,I hope she is ok, I really liked talking with her here and hope she comes back. I know there where a few trolls bothering her over the weekend but I thought most of those trolls where removed.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Ah, so that’s what happened over the weekend.
            Fuck.

          • jesterpunk

            Someone really pissed her off telling her she shouldnt dress the way she wanted to. I really dont blame her for being mad at them, that comment was way over the line. I dont want to go too much into detail because that person is still here and I dont want to start more drama over it.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Oh shit. That is fucked up.
            A regular?

          • jesterpunk

            Not really regular they just show up sometimes.

      • Grumpy Twat

        “Turgid” is one of those words that make me giggle out loud.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Me too, lol

          • Grumpy Twat

            Somewhere between “turd” and “rigid”.

          • MynameisBlarney

            GAH!
            OUTTA ME HEAD!

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      “Cheese pizza”!

    • BadKitty904

      “Processed meat-food product”?

      • Oblios_Cap

        Pink slime?

        • BadKitty904

          Ew. Unless you’re referring to Alex.

    • VirginiaLady

      Hair remover?

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Chumbawamba song?

  • Ezio

    Ya know, for people who think that Trump getting elected means that “globalists are crumbling” they sure give George Soros a lot of power.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s like how Obama was simultaneously utterly incompetent and lazy and also the most cunning Muslim, ever.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Scandalous discovery!

    http://www.sabinabecker.com/media/alex-jones-at-the-marathon.jpg

    (*That would be an ‘example’ of the kind of investigative journalism that Alex Jones conducts and why he is a fav of Lord Littledigits.)

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Alex really isn’t the sharpest spoon in the drawer, is he?

    • Painter of Goats

      He’s half a bubble shy of a baker’s dozen, that’s for sure.

    • Shoto

      Couple cans short of a six-pack.

    • Khavrinen

      “I see you’ve played knife-y spoon-y before.”
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcE0aAhbVFc

    • Querolous

      A deck of 51 cards

  • BadKitty904
    • ariel_gee_398

      You know, if this world is just a simulation, whoever is in charge has upped the difficult level way too much in the past 10 years.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Jones responded to the lawsuit with a YouTube statement vowing eternal defiance to the terrible globalists at Chobani, claiming that hie very special “sources” inside Congress and the White House had assured him the Chobani lawsuit was being orchestrated by George Soros

    Plaintiff’s Attorney: “Your Honor, we would like to amend our complaint.”

  • Painter of Goats

    Say, you know who else terrified millions with their dairy product?

  • Nick Scroggs

    My one thing for the day, since I need to speak somewhere, apparently the Bruin Republicans on campus are hosting Dennis Prager. I am at a loss for words, other than what the fuck are they thinking?

    • Oblios_Cap

      There can’t be that many of them, can there?

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    It’s Obummer’s fault! That factory was a BHO-pal!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Oooh, subtle reference!

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Dumb Chobani. They just don’t understand performance art.

  • Ezio

    What the hell kind of business would some guy who makes yogurt have to do with “importing Muslim migrants to destroy the west”?

    • Nick Scroggs

      Being Turkish. Despite Trump liking Erdogan.

    • Jamoche

      Ever paid attention to yogurt ads? It’s all emasculated men and annoying women. The ur-example is when the wife is on the phone talking up all the great desserts she’s bought – boston creme pie! shortcake! – and the sad husband is rummaging through the fridge, shoving the yogurt aside in search of it.

      Which is weird, because the only real people I know who actually like the disgusting slimy cow snot are men. Personally I’d rather get my calcium almost any other way.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Ooh. I saw this on PBS. He is singlehandedly employing all the immigrants and refugees around Utica(?) and Twin Falls, ID.

  • ariel_gee_398

    I miss the good old days when conspiracy theorists were just lonely folks who thought the FBI was hiding aliens. Now that they’ve figured out how to grift off their lunacy, they’re a far more dangerous lot.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      At least when they were limited to single-sideband shortwave radio, you could mis-tune the oscillator to make them sound like the Aflac duck.

      • Jamoche

        I didn’t mind it on road trips when the only radio station I could find was playing Dave Emory, because he’s got a great voice. I just let the words go in one ear and out the other.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Conspiracy Theory, on the other hand, was a pretty decent movie.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      where’s Art Bell when you need him?

      • proudgrampa

        Gosh, I miss Art Bell!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear Chobani,

    Sue. his. ass. into. the. grave.

    Then dig his ass up and sue him again.

    You’re welcome,

    EQ

    • jesterpunk

      Dear Chobani,

      When you do sue him please please please let him keep his shirt and make it a requirement he wears it.

      Thank you,

      Humanity

  • Clyde Barrow

    Alex has been absolved from any responsibility now since his lawyers have proclaimed him an entertainment character who puts on an act.

    Of course, 4Chan users think Greek yogurt and Comet Ping Pong are culpable in Alex being a completely misunderstood jackass hero.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    And so begins, the yogurt culture wars.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    “Jones followers, who are already swarming with far less healthy bacterial colonies.”

    Hey! Trying to eat lunch here!

  • BadKitty904
  • Chadwells
  • Shoto

    “human conspiracy pop-up dispenser Alex Jones”

    Pez Libelz!

  • SeeTrain65

    “Alex Jones Sued By Greek Yogurt”

    Has more culture than he does.

    • Werewolf

      Dammit, beat me to it!

      • SeeTrain65

        I’ve missed so many others, I’m almost proud I could get it this time.

        Unfortunately, I wasn’t first. So there goes whatever pride I felt.

  • Chadwells
  • Crystalclear12

    I am really surprised.

    I would’ve bet dollars to donuts that Jones didn’t know what yogurt was.

    • Anna Rompage

      He doesn’t…

      He thought the company made tents styled after what native Mongolian nomadic herders use for housing…

      • Crystalclear12

        Oh, that makes more sense.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Yurt don’t say…

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    (puts Chobani plain Greek yogurt on grocery list)

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      The owner seems like a decent guy with good business ethics, too.

  • BadKitty904

    OT: Just in case this hasn’t been posted…

    Ivanka Trump Booed at Women’s Panel in Germany
    http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/ivanka-trump-booed-at-women%e2%80%99s-panel-in-germany/ar-BBAl3vq?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    That’s not fruit in the bottom of the cup, that’s where Hillary buried Vince Foster

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Alex’s filings and broadcasts in the Chobani case ought to play well in his child custody case. Performance art, indeed.

    • kaydenpat

      I wonder if he really wants those kids though. It’s not as if he has hidden how deranged he is from the public.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Ahh. But getting the kids sticks it to the ex. He seems much more a stick-it-to-the-ex sort than a devoted and attentive parent.

  • SadDemInTex

    How does he have enough brain cells to breathe?

  • Ezio

    I think I know why Alex Jones doesn’t like Chobani. He prefers Steve Dannon.

    …I’ll see myself out.

    • MynameisBlarney

      LOL

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Alt-Vanilla

  • WotsAllThisThen
    • jesterpunk

      May the Schwartz be with him.

  • Boscoe

    $10k?? Chobani is doing it wrong.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Nah. This is perfect. Alex Jones is too stupid to settle. Chobani sits back and watches him spend lots and lots of money on attorneys and then have to pay theirs too.

  • DainBramage

    Alex Jones shows how mental health care in this country sucks.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      So does Donald.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      *Alex Jones’ audience

    • kaydenpat

      Can’t get over the fact that he’s in his early 40s. Believing in and spewing all those conspiracy theories and awfulness has certainly aged him.

      • DainBramage

        I think the process that the aliens use to transmit bullshit into his brain has had a major effect on his entire body.

  • ltmcdies

    OT…just saw a post thinking that Trump isn’t trying to scare us by have all the Senators over for coffee and contemplation of nukes over NK……it might be more likely a 100 days fucking photo op…

    I guess we’ll find out tomorrow
    https://twitter.com/timkmak/status/856925670303293441

    • PubOption

      The greatest photo op, they won’t believe how great it’s going to be.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Better than a splendid little war.

      • cmd resistor

        I can’t imagine being impressed by it, unless they wear funny costumes. Like dress up as Roman senators or something.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          I’d wear a church lady hat to fuck with him. Where would they put me? How many others can I obliterate?

    • timpundit

      “wonder”? Jesus, have you senators ever met or seen trump ?

    • kaydenpat

      So Democrats shouldn’t show up then. Why treat him as if he were a normal president when he’s not? If they meet with him, they should use the opportunity to demand that the White House cooperate with the Russian interference investigation.

    • NastyBossetti

      That’s one senator for every day in office! What an adorable photo op idea!

  • Wild Cat

    If young Aryan males were manufacturing yogurt, Pat Buchanan would be tongue-jobbing each of them down to the strawberry-flavored foreskin.

    • memzilla Ω

      HEY! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO DIGEST THEIR LUNCH OVER HERE!!

      • Wild Cat

        Sorry, California!

    • kaydenpat

      And the only flavor would be Pure Lily White Vanilla.

  • Crystalclear12

    OT but WTF:
    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/04/sean-spicer-flummoxes-reporters-by-claiming-white-house-not-responsible-for-hiring-michael-flynn/

    Of course, the obvious response is that the White House didn’t hire him, Russia did.

    • jesterpunk

      So they are blaming Obama?

      • Crystalclear12

        It’s the only trick they know.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          not true- they’re also real good at blaming Clinton

        • C4TWOMAN

          No, no. Sometimes they blame Hilary.

          • Internet Hitler

            Perhaps Jimmy Carter has those documents.

      • kaydenpat

        You know it.

    • C4TWOMAN

      “Sean Spicer flummoxes reporters”

      That headline says it all.

      • MynameisBlarney

        The look on that one reporters face is classic!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      And to think I once was stupid enough to compare this idiot to Ron Ziegler. There’s no way Ron would try to sell something this far beyond its expiration date.

    • boyblue122
      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        He asked for immunity so as not to go to jail by ratting on all of youse. Trump is a dingbat to not get that. Why defend Flynn?
        True fact: My favorite part of this story is that the CIA hates Flynn and calls his “followers” Flynnstones.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Wait, so let me see if I understand this. Because he was working on the Trump transition team, anything he did is Obama’s fault because Obama was still President? Despite Flynn working on the Trump transition team and not actually employed by the outgoing Administration?!?
      My head hurts now…

      • Crystalclear12

        Apply alcohol and repeat.

        • LucindathePook

          Internal, not topical

          • Crystalclear12

            Always.

    • kaydenpat

      That’s a hell of a skill to be able to lie without bursting into raucous laughter. Spicer is an old pro.

    • Edith Prickly
  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    RIP Robert Pirsig

    You got me thinking quality thoughts as a kid. Thank you.

    • proudgrampa

      He really was a big influence for me.

    • LucindathePook

      Oh, wow, I loved that book.

  • WiscoJoe

    This is literally the only good thing Chbani has ever done.

    • kaydenpat

      I take it you don’t like his yogurt.

  • boyblue122

    If he follows through with the lawsuit couldnt his ex-wife use that evidence in the custody battle.

    “Look, my ex really is raving lunatic, not just playing one on the internet”

  • MynameisBlarney

    *sad trombone wav*

    O’Queefy fails again.

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10141760744

    • jesterpunk

      Trump is going to be mad, he was paying O’Keefe during the last election.

  • Painter of Goats

    Who knew Twin Falls was such a hotbed of controversy? My only memory of my one visit there was watching a draft horse pulling contest.

    • Me not sure

      Just what does one pull on a draft horse, and do they seem to enjoy it?

    • kaydenpat

      You’re a liberal so you don’t see what’s really going on. Only Alex Jones sees everything — lizard people, shape shifters, chemtrails, UFOs. He sees them all.

  • Suttree

    Twin Falls isn’t as cool as Twin Peaks.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      pales in comparison to Frostbite Falls

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I’m beginning to lose my blind trust in Alex Jones.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      You’d have to be deaf and mute as well. And play a mean pinball.

      • jesterpunk

        You would also have to be some kind of a wizard.

        • laughingnome

          How do you think he does it?

          • jesterpunk

            I don’t know!

          • laughingnome

            What makes him so good?

          • jesterpunk

            He ain’t got no distractions

          • Master Contrail Program

            Can’t hear those buzzers and bells.

          • jesterpunk

            Don’t see lights a flashin’

          • Contemplative Ron

            I hear he plays by sense of smell.

          • jesterpunk

            Always gets a replay

    • Internet Hitler

      C’mon, man. Those letters spelling InfoWars behind him when he screams are so huge! Could he have letters that big if he was bullshitting?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      C’mon, that’s just the chemtrails talking.

  • Shanzgood

    OT: Well, baconzgood’s hearing is over. The judge left it up to his ex to decide and she stuck with “keep him in jail” so he’s back at the halfway house.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      I’ll never understand the vindictiveness of some women. A man can’t earn money if he’s in jail. Duh! Work something out, fer chrissake.

      • Shanzgood

        It’s not the money. Judge offered an immediate payment to be ordered by the court and she didn’t want it.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          Dayum. That a whole nuther level.

        • Suttree

          I am so lucky that I am friends with all of my ex-girlfriends. And I have had terrible relationships! But we are friends now.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Damn, I’m sorry.

    • h4rr4r

      I feel as though I have missed something big.

      So sad to hear this happened.

    • Suttree

      Ugh. At least he still has you to keep his spirits up. Poor Baconz.:(

    • boyblue122

      Wait, i dont get why the ex gets to decide. Why not immediate family or someone hes still close with.

      Someone who might have a grudge gets to decide?

      • Shanzgood

        Family court.

        • boyblue122

          oh ok…that sucks

      • NastyBossetti

        Isn’t this part of what judges are for – to be impartial deciders when the parties involved can’t be?

        • Shanzgood

          Not in this instance, apparently. All the ex had to do was not show up, said his lawyer. But she took time off work to go there and deliberately fuck him over.

    • anwisok

      WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!??!?!? It’s not unusual for an ex to be a bitter, vindictive ass, but it’s supposed to be the judge’s job to stop them from being vindictive! This is nuts!

      • Shanzgood

        Family courts don’t seem to operate like normal courts.

    • Oblios_Cap

      She seemed to be unwilling to have him locked up in the original telling, if I recollect correctly.

      • LucindathePook

        That’s what I remember too. Any idea how long this mishegas will drag on?? And can he get food just sent from real people, not store/restaurant deliveries? I mean like a Harry and David fruit basket, or something?

      • Shanzgood

        Yes. I don’t know why she changed her mind.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Wait what?

      …There’s more to this story than him just missing a court appointment. I’m not saying Baconz did anything really wrong, but… I mean, come on. First of all, how could it possibly be up to his ex to decide whether he stays in that house?
      Second, why on Earth would his ex want him unemployed, unable to pay child support? Something is strange here.

      • Shanzgood

        The court offered her immediate payment of X amount for support. She refused because she WANTS HIM TO SUFFER as some sort of lesson in “responsibility” as far as she’s concerned.

        I’m kind of done with this for the day now, especially with people being like “there’s got to be more to the story” as if baconz is lying or obfuscating or something.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      God damn, I really can’t believe this. This is like something out of Kafka. Is she really not going to be happy until he is broken beyond repair or dead? Is she really going to push it to that limit? And for the judge to let her engage in harassment through the court is a gross violation of judicial ethics.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Okay, now for the $64,000 question: are you okay? You’ve been holding it together so long, and this can’t be a good blow to your psyche either.

      • Shanzgood

        No. No, I’m not ok. Baconz says he’s broken now.

        I’m going to go get a bottle of wine and get vaguely drunk and possibly scrub the kitchen floor or clean out the refrigerator.

        • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

          You do what you need to do to cope. We’ll leave the light on for ya, okay?

          • Shanzgood

            Thanks.

        • janecita

          I just heard sweetie, I’m so, so sorry.

    • Contemplative Ron

      Because that’s what makes the justice system so fair – allowing the complainant to set the verdict.
      Fuck.

    • Yr. Gma

      That stinks.

  • kaydenpat

    “his very special ‘sources’ inside Congress and the White House had assured him the Chobani lawsuit was being orchestrated by George Soros, who in addition to rigging the world economy and being behind the poison gas attacks in Syria, always finds extra time to Make Life Difficult For Alex Jones.”

    So when do we start calling out Conservatives for the anti-Semitism in blaming Soros for every dang thing they don’t like?

    • boyblue122

      I think Alex Jones needs to smoke that patented Soros strength weed to mellow out a bit

    • Suttree

      They aren’t really Nazis. Just kinda Nazis.

      • Contemplative Ron

        Sort of a Schwache Nationalsozialistin.

    • JoeChristmas

      And $oros hasn’t paid us yet for the #WomensMarch.

      • I know, right? And my mortgage is due next week.

      • kaydenpat

        No one has been paid, dang it!! Soros is as bad as Trump when it come to paying for services.

    • Internet Hitler

      “Congress and the White House” are what he calls his nuts.

  • Ω cynmac will never surrender

    Chobani is my favorite brand of Greek yogurt. That is all.

    • Suttree

      It is tasty!

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        I like black cherry, peach and mango. It tastes like real fruit, not too sweet and cloying. I add raisins and granola and it keeps me regular like.

        • Suttree

          I like plain!

          • Ω cynmac will never surrender

            I like plain when making stuff like dips and sauces.

          • cmd resistor

            I just bought some plain the other day as a political statement of some sort but haven’t tried it yet.

          • Suttree

            You made me LOL and snarf my drink.

    • I feel really bad about not liking yogurt. It’s supposed to be really good for you or something. I try it again once a year or so, and it still tastes terrible to me.

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        Is it the texture, or lack thereof? And which brand are you trying because Yoplait is shitty.

        • It’s the taste, not the texture. I’ve tried many different brands, including small, local ones.

          • Ω cynmac will never surrender

            Huh. Do you like frozen yogurt?

          • No.

          • Thiazin Red

            Frozen yogurt is some bullshit. Don’t lie to me and say its a valid ice cream substitute.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Do ya like tzatziki sauce?

        • I can choke it down to be polite, but that’s about all.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Ah. Oh well. There’s always sour cream!

      • FULL DISCLOSURE: I use it a lot in baking, and that’s fine. The finished product doesn’t taste like yogurt.

      • LucindathePook

        Anybody else like yogurt drink? The salty kind. I love it.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          Chobani makes a salted caramel that pretty tasty. I buy it when I’m on the road and don’t have granola. The salted caramel comes with chocolate bits.

        • shastakoala

          Gogurt or go home!

      • notaten

        My dogs love a dollop of plain yogurt on their dinner. We don’t have a problem with stinky doggie farts in the middle of the night anymore, so there’s that. (We live in a tiny place, so it really matters)

      • Thiazin Red

        Greek yogurt is miles better than the other stuff.

        Diet yogurt tastes like chemical death.

        • Brexit Saboteur

          NOBODY should be eating ‘diet’ anything. You want to be healthy eat full fat (and by ‘full fat’ I mean actual fat, not as some kind of euphemism for ‘full sugar’ (full sugar will make YOU full fat). Cut out the grains & have it with low-sugar fruit..

      • Brexit Saboteur

        Don’t understand this “not liking yoghurt”. Have you considered trying another species…? Goat’s, perhaps…? My personal preference is (water) buffalo, but it’s become impossible to find these days, so I have ewe’s instead.

        There’s a farm about 30 miles away that does llama and alpaca yogurt (and ice cream, cheese and butter, don’t think they sell milk or cream).

        If you don’t like cow’s yogurt because you find it too acidic, then try ewe’s milk yogurt it has a much ‘softer’ flavour. This is presuming, of course, it’s a Thing in the US, perhaps cow’s milk is the only option (be surprised if you didn’t have goat’s milk yogurt, though).

        But if you can find ewe’s milk, try it, it isn’t sharp-tasting at all.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I use Fage, but only for sauces. I’m not into eating yogurt straight out da container.

      • cmd resistor

        I like the plain Fage with fresh fruit in it. But then sometimes I buy it and forget to eat it. But I will try the chobani.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        We get whichever Greek yogurt there is. Mrs. Bz&Bz prefers Greek yogurt to the other not Greek, so that’s what we get. It’s just the whey(less) we do yogurt now.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Chobani is good but I make my own. Instant Pot won’t clean your kitchen but does everything else.

    • proudgrampa

      I like the IDEA of yogurt, but I have never acquired the taste for it.

  • goonemeritus

    It’s getting so you can’t defame or liable anyone in private society anymore. Thanks a lot jurisprudence.

  • Suttree

    I took a bunch of acid once and freaked out There were spiders and mushrooms. I was still more sane than Alex Jones.

    • Eileen Besse

      There are always mushrooms, if you’re lucky….

    • proudgrampa

      I was in the hospital and they gave me fentanyl for a few days. There were hippos in tutus. That seemed more real than this guy.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Perhaps he’s an insane person playing a sane person playing an insane person.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Like Colbert, but with an added layer. Or two?

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Kirk Lazarus! He has another quote that really fits Alex Jones also too.

  • anwisok
  • JoeChristmas

    Discredited Wingnuts is my favorite greek yogurt flavor.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    I’m sure Alex can get a reasonable settlement worked out. Maybe he could do a TV spot for Chobani yogurt. Picture Alex, shirtless, smearing yogurt on his nipples and saying “after I lick the BBQ sauce off…I like Chobani yogurt for dessert…”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/eada99b776048665b9cd517d2e3eeae5cafad6d072cbe933c5101d3212a8601e.jpg

  • Internet Hitler
  • Jamoche
  • Me not sure

    This won’t be the first time that an asshole has been laid waste to by active probiotics.

  • boyblue122

    OT – Dug up this old Drumpf tweet about Flynn after the WH claimed they had nothing to do with hiring him

    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/756699517534212100

    • jesterpunk

      Awkward.

      • Contemplative Ron

        Why? It’s already gone down Mad Lord Snapcase’s memory hole.

        • jesterpunk

          Its going to be another one of those times Trump will argue his own words cant be used against him in court.

  • Proud Liberal
  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    I feel like this…

    “It’s not immediately clear from the video whether Alex Jones is actually saying that, or if it’s just the character he plays in those performances of his”

    … is some kind of weird Lauri Anderson libelz.

    Well I was talking to a friend
    And I was saying:
    I wanted you.
    And I was looking for you
    But I couldn’t find you. I couldn’t find you.
    And he said: Hey!
    Are you talking to me?
    Or are you just practicing
    For one of those performances of yours?

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Good evening Mister and Mrs. America and all the ships at Sea! FLASH!
    https://twitter.com/AP/status/856964247242387462

    • jesterpunk

      Funny all those republicans suing Obama over the government blocking federal funds for not expanding medicare backfired on the republicans. Who would have ever guessed that would happen?

      • Crystalclear12

        It’s funny when it’s happening to someone else.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Predictable. In the words of Fat Tony Scalia, the Government cannot extort state governments to compel them to allow state resources to be commandeered to enforce laws that fall solely under Federal jurisdiction.

    • Jgb979

      So weird how Donny can’t just choose to ignore laws! Don’t they know who won? (If not I bet you he will tell you)

    • US Cities to ICE :Bootstraps, you mooching takers!

    • elviouslyqueer

      Enraged “Activist FAKE probably Mexican judge” tweet in 3…2…1…

    • boyblue122

      So much for defending the constitution. They just make up everything as they go

      • Lamashtar

        Same with slavery and states rights. Only mattered when it was a southern state wanting slavery, not a northern state banning slavery.

    • Little Doll–MOAMF
  • Internet Hitler
    • Suttree

      I miss my local in New Orleans.

    • elviouslyqueer

      The real shocker is that he didn’t end up as a gumbo.

      • Beowoof14

        Now you have me thinking of making gumbo. Love it.

  • Jgb979

    Much more of this please!

    This is why most right wingers are careful to couch allegations in “just asking questions”. Nearly every Fox News libelous chyron is “Obama is Muslim antichrist? Here what some are saying”. Libel and slander laws are still a thing.

    Alex jones is too stupid to avoid them.

    • proudgrampa

      Some people are saying Alex Jones is A Idiot.

      Naaah. ALL of them are saying Alex Jones is A Idiot.

  • Mary Sandoras
  • Master Contrail Program

    It’s probably those Soros-funded Activiaists doing this. Just remember, when you try to play Alex Jones, Yoplait yourself.

    • Thepeoplevs.

      Alex jones is a real cultured warrior

      • Lamashtar

        Yogurt me there.

  • Mavenmaven

    Pizza, yogurt, what next, Ben & Jerry’s?

    • Contemplative Ron

      Had they not already suffered some shit like this, just for being Horrible Vermont Liberals?

      • cmd resistor

        Wingnut brother hates them, I assume for the liberalness. Never heard him specifically say anything bad about the actual product.

    • Master Contrail Program

      I hear there’s something fishy about Lea& Perrin’s Worcestershire Sauce.

  • Alex should talk to the 4chan guys from the previous thread.
    Also, people are allegedly saying that the only way Alex can get it up is to wear a diaper while someone shaves his back. That is what people are saying.

    • elviouslyqueer

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate wildly!

      • He also picks his nose and eats it, AND his scabs, also too, people are saying it and the lame stream media ought to look into it.

        • jesterpunk

          I heard from some people he also picks Donald Trump’s nose and eats that too. People are saying that is why Trump talks to Alex Jones so much.

        • Raan

          I heard he combines them to double the flavor (allegedly).

  • snark-lurker

    why just $10k? are they kidding or wut?

    • jowgajen

      Probably the minimum they have to prove for there to be a trial.

  • Proud Liberal
  • notaten

    I still can’t get past the yogurt maker caught importing migrant rapist bullshit tweet. Who thinks like this? Let’s see, I’m a successful entrepreneur, so I’m going to make sure I import a couple dozen rapists as soon as I get the chance. It’s horrifying that so many believe this implausible shit.

  • shastakoala

    What do you expect from the least cultured man in America.

    • snark-lurker

      ah! ICWYDT! (i miss most stuff)

      • shastakoala

        Someone down thread did too. I should read before I write. :)

        • doktorzoom

          Yogurt has not yet successfully jumped the Snake River Canyon. Bet Chobani would sponsor a yogurt-powered rocket cycle…

          • shastakoala

            How deliciously Evel.

  • BadKitty904

    OT: Trump Inauguration Admits Errors, Vows to Correct Numerous Faulty Donor Records

    The committee’s Federal Election Commission report “looks like negligence,” a watchdog said.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/trump-inauguration-fec_us_58fec92ae4b00fa7de170e73?&ncid=inblnkushpmg00000009

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5533ad9e666a10bd038c0153902eef45416930d72bd857d33d0fdc398b35e575.jpg

    • Proud Liberal

      They won’t do anything, neither will the FEC.

      • BadKitty904

        They certainly haven’t done jack about this Administration’s multiple crimes, to date.

        IOKIYAR…

    • Stulexington

      Oops, we didn’t conceal the origins of the money well enough so people actually figured it out. Our bad, let us fix that.

      • BadKitty904

        Republican Congress: “Sure thing. Help yourself!

  • Rick Hill

    Just fyi, when someone immigrates legally, they go through a barrage of medical tests and immunizations(more so than many Americans because, you know, autism) Not only that but if you have been exposed to TB and have some reaction to a test but not full blown TB, they have you go on a course of medication. Not only does it eradicate any signs of it but it is, essentially, an inoculation against the disease.

    • Erala Contratista

      And in NorCal, if you work with lots of immigrants, you get tb tested every 5 yrs. Like teaching…

  • Raan

    I am either too tired or not drunk enough to understand Jones’ claims.

    My money’s on the latter.

    • jesterpunk

      Why not both?

      • Raan

        You make a compelling point, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

    • Alan

      Nope, gotta be crazy and stupid.

  • jaspersdad

    Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

    John Lennon

    • Wild Cat

      “Imagine if I didn’t write “Imagine,” there’d be so less horrific ear worms.”

      John Lennon

      • Villago Delenda Est

        My favorite Lennon ear worm is #9 Dream.

  • Wild Cat

    OK, you East Coast wankers, it’s time to shut down your office computers, go home in your smelly subway cars or autos, stuff some slime down your gullet while you smile at the significant other or cat, and turn your fucking computers back on again.

    • Raan

      You underestimate our multitasking skills. We can eat our slime while using our computers and smiling at our significant other/cat.

  • arensb

    Perhaps what bothers me the most is that the yogurt in Scalzi’s story is more intelligent than the current president of the United States.

    • Raan

      And certainly more cultured.

      Get it? It’s a yogurt joke I stole.

      • arensb

        Yeah, you’re nutty.

        • Raan

          I blame fatigue.

  • Fartknocker

    If Alex wouldn’t have had sex with 150 women by the time he was 16 maybe he would have learned some empathy. Nope fuck that, the coke fried his brain and he’s just a shitty, racist, misognistic radio announcer.

    • Raan

      Nah man, not coke. These are the waves of a man suffering from terminal syphilitic brain rot.

  • Rick Hill

    It’s getting to where just argle and blargle doesn’t bring in the ratings like they used to…

  • Suttree
  • Bitter Scribe

    Jones is gradually learning that you can say anything about politicians you want, but when your bullshit starts potentially costing businesses money, watch out.

    • kareemachan

      He’s incapable of learning. That’s socialistic, ya know…

  • The Wanderer

    But yogurt loves you, and has a wonderful plan for your life!

  • doktorzoom
    • Villago Delenda Est

      The stupid. It burns!

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        It burns like hygiene!

    • Alan

      Well I guess Donna wins.

  • gingerland62

    Isn’t there some kind of delirium that goes along with syphilis? Isn’t it slow and painful? That’s what I want him to have. (I once wished for Scalia’s arteries to harden.)

    • Tim

      Neurosyphillis causes brain damage, but the syph can be accidentally treated with maybe a dozen antibiotics in its early stages. One strep throat, acne, skin lesion, scalp reduction surgery, and it’s just about taken care of. Or if a competent primary care physician screens you for STIs, of course.

      • gingerland62

        bummer…but does the brain damage remain?

        • Tim

          Depends on what part of the brain is damaged and how much. Generally you don’t think so good, or do other things good too.

  • Randy Riddle

    And Yoplait is organizing French Muslim terrorist cells over coffee at Starbucks. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!!

  • LiPao

    Jones messed with the wrong culture this time.

    • emberglance

      He’ll get his just desserts.

    • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

      Keep milking those puns!

  • mancityRed6

    The damage isn’t the $10k, it’s saying he was wrong.

    • Snarkbot 9000

      Unpossible. Alex is never wrong, you just misinterpreted him.

  • mancityRed6

    and, that yogurt short story? I’d only be pissed if they didn’t follow the first plan to the letter.

  • MOG253

    Not the super scary Soros monster???

  • Scooby

    Only $10,000 … Bill O’Reillys got to be crying.

  • Stulexington

    So who is George Soros anyway, and how did he become the poster child for all things involving the left and money?

    • Jukesgrrl

      Seriously, I’ll bet there aren’t 10 wingnuts in the country who could pick George Soros out of a lineup, let alone tell you where and how he made his money. His name is merely an easily remembered (and spelled) label for Things We Don’t Approve Of. Not to mention it contains the word “sore,” which they always are. Soros escaped to England from Nazi-occupied Hungary as a youth and worked his way through the London School of Economics, where he earned two degrees. He made his billions through investments, exactly the same way many Republican billionaires — like Carl Icahn, T. Boone Pickens, Wilbur Ross, and Bannon’s pal Robert Mercer — earned theirs.

      • James

        George Soros is the modern conservative “International Jew” who represents control of banking and finance and the “globalist agenda.” It doesn’t matter who George Soros really is; it is what they allege he represents.

        • kareemachan

          Funny thing is, I’ve never seen a pinata of him, and have of drumpster.

    • Snarkbot 9000

      George Soros is a fairly wealthy speculator that made a good portion of his money on forex derivatives and private equity. He manages a quant fund like Renaissance but basically less of a fascist than Jim Simons or Robert Mercer. His history is one of some pretty wild speculative bets that have turned out better than expected being one of the few people who have managed returns beating the S&P 500 over a 20 yr stretch.

  • pixeloid

    All this talk of yogurt makes me want to watch “The Stuff” again. Are you eating it, or is it eating you?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE6Z1nBqLwo

  • Left Coast Tom

    I’ve actually been to Twin Falls, ID…and spent the night there on my way back from Yellowstone and the Wind River Range.

    I would have never, ever, believed that Twin Falls would be on the good side of a fight involving wingnuts. You get ’em, Twin Falls!

    • wavicles

      Remember to thank your stars that you survived the visit inside city limits. But maybe rush to the M.D. to find out if you’re still healthy.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Chobani is much, much better than Yoplait. There, I said it.

  • i’mjustaskingthequestion

    It would just be right, him being sued into extinction.

    Karma’s a bitch.

    And so is he.

  • Bongstar420
  • James

    Not only has Alex Jones not removed his video from YouTube, he is now accusing George Soros of funding the Chobani lawsuit, claiming Mr. Soros is trying to shut down InfoWars. He is also claiming the owner of Chobani sits on the New York Federal Reserve Board and is interested in “ending Western civilisation and freedom.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meFTH_W0ffo

  • Sister the Resister

    My compliments on your money pitch, Doktor. Yours are getting quite creative.

  • SpudRaider

    I would bet that Ulakaya is not a friend of President Erdogan of Turkey.

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