First of all, worry not, because this post is not actually a list of 83 SEPARATE QUOTES from President Pussgrab J. Trump, as rendered to the Associated Press. That would take too many minutes to copy/paste! The point is that Trump has done an interview with the AP and it is so embarrassing throughout that we could literally pick any number, and then find Trump stepping on his own dick that many times in the interview. Also, we’re just making up numbers like a common Donald Trump.
Let’s start with …
Donald Trump has the hugest ratings, he is the greatest TV sensation since noted reality show ‘9/11’
That’s right, Donald Trump thought it would be totally normal and OK, while patting himself on the ass for being so good for TV ratings, to say literally only 9/11 is better TV than himself:
TRUMP: … [I]t’s interesting, I have, seem to get very high ratings. I definitely. You know Chris Wallace had 9.2 million people, it’s the highest in the history of the show. I have all the ratings for all those morning shows. When I go, they go double, triple. Chris Wallace, look back during the Army-Navy football game, I did his show that morning.
AP: I remember, right.
TRUMP: It had 9.2 million people. It’s the highest they’ve ever had. On any, on air, (CBS “Face the Nation” host John) Dickerson had 5.2 million people. It’s the highest for “Face the Nation” or as I call it, “Deface the Nation.” It’s the highest for “Deface the Nation” since the World Trade Center. Since the World Trade Center came down. It’s a tremendous advantage.
We really could end this post right here, because what the fuck (and also Trump lied and said he’d tripled the show’s actual ratings, which isn’t even the point since he always does that). The president of the United States is having a pissing contest with 9/11.
But we, yr Wonkette, are at your service, so we’ll at least skim this thing a little bit more before we say screw it.
Donald Trump is the best expert of deciding not to insult the Chinese president when he wants something from the Chinese president.
TRUMP: … [T]hings change. There has to be flexibility. Let me give you an example. President Xi, we have a, like, a really great relationship. For me to call him a currency manipulator and then say, “By the way, I’d like you to solve the North Korean problem,” doesn’t work. So you have to have a certain flexibility, Number One. Number Two, from the time I took office till now, you know, it’s a very exact thing. It’s not like generalities. Do you want a Coke or anything?
AP: I’m OK, thank you. No. …
TRUMP: But President Xi, from the time I took office, he has not, they have not been currency manipulators. Because there’s a certain respect because he knew I would do something or whatever. But more importantly than him not being a currency manipulator the bigger picture, bigger than even currency manipulation, if he’s helping us with North Korea, with nuclear and all of the things that go along with it, who would call, what am I going to do, say, “By the way, would you help us with North Korea? And also, you’re a currency manipulator.” It doesn’t work that way.
Everything changed the second Glorious Leader Trump was president. Got it. At least he offered the AP dude a Coke.
The part about how Donald Trump learned that, like, missiles, like, kill people.
WHOA. IF. TRUE:
TRUMP: Number One, there’s great responsibility. When it came time to, as an example, send out the 59 missiles, the Tomahawks in Syria. I’m saying to myself, “You know, this is more than just like, 79 (sic) missiles. This is death that’s involved,” because people could have been killed. This is risk that’s involved, because if the missile goes off and goes in a city or goes in a civilian area — you know, the boats were hundreds of miles away — and if this missile goes off and lands in the middle of a town or a hamlet …. every decision is much harder than you’d normally make. (unintelligible) … This is involving death and life and so many things. … So it’s far more responsibility.
Being president is, like, big league, also too, and, like, the United States is really yooge.
This is what happens when you elect a shitty tycoon to lead the world’s sole superpower:
TRUMP: The financial cost of everything is so massive, every agency. This is thousands of times bigger, the United States, than the biggest company in the world. The second-largest company in the world is the Defense Department. The third-largest company in the world is Social Security. The fourth-largest — you know, you go down the list.
TRUMP. It’s massive. And every agency is, like, bigger than any company. So you know, I really just see the bigness of it all, but also the responsibility. And the human responsibility. You know, the human life that’s involved in some of the decisions.
SADFACE. The press is still mean to him.
TRUMP: I used to get great press. I get the worst press. I get such dishonest reporting with the media. That’s another thing that really has — I’ve never had anything like it before. It happened during the primaries, and I said, you know, when I won, I said, “Well the one thing good is now I’ll get good press.” And it got worse. (unintelligible) So that was one thing that a little bit of a surprise to me. I thought the press would become better, and it actually, in my opinion, got more nasty.
MORE SADFACE. The Fake News sucks! Except Fox News, which is the most “accurate.”
TRUMP: I have learned one thing, because I get treated very unfairly, that’s what I call it, the fake media. And the fake media is not all of the media. You know they tried to say that the fake media was all the, no. The fake media is some of you. I could tell you who it is, 100 percent. Sometimes you’re fake, but — but the fake media is some of the media. It bears no relationship to the truth. It’s not that Fox treats me well, it’s that Fox is the most accurate.
Donald Trump’s border wall is going to be less expensive than everybody says, but it doesn’t matter, because it’s going to stop one percent of the drugs from coming in, and also all the drugs.
And why won’t drugs get across the wall? Because it will be a real wall, as opposed to a fake wall:
TRUMP: If we stop 1 percent of the drugs from coming in — and we’ll stop all of it. But if we stop 1 percent of the drugs because we have the wall — they’re coming around in certain areas, but if you have a wall, they can’t do it because it’s a real wall. That’s a tremendously good investment, 1 percent. The drugs pouring through on the southern border are unbelievable. We’re becoming a drug culture, there’s so much. And most of it’s coming from the southern border. The wall will stop the drugs.
Donald Trump doesn’t support Wicky-Licks anymore, but he doesn’t UNSUPPORT them either, but he likes reading their Good Information, which never should have come out in the first place.
TRUMP: When Wikileaks came out … never heard of Wikileaks, never heard of it. When Wikileaks came out, all I was just saying is, “Well, look at all this information here, this is pretty good stuff.” You know, they tried to hack the Republican, the RNC, but we had good defenses. They didn’t have defenses, which is pretty bad management. But we had good defenses, they tried to hack both of them. They weren’t able to get through to Republicans. No, I found it very interesting when I read this stuff and I said, “Wow.” It was just a figure of speech. I said, “Well, look at this. It’s good reading.”
AP: But that didn’t mean that you supported what Assange is doing?
TRUMP: No, I don’t support or unsupport. It was just information. They shouldn’t have allowed it to get out.
And finally, here is some word salad about “Morning Joe.”
TRUMP: I never thought I had the ability to not watch. Like, people think I watch (MSNBC’s) “Morning Joe.” I don’t watch “Morning Joe.” I never thought I had the ability to, and who used to treat me great by the way, when I played the game. I never thought I had the ability to not watch what is unpleasant, if it’s about me. Or pleasant. But when I see it’s such false reporting and such bad reporting and false reporting that I’ve developed an ability that I never thought I had. I don’t watch things that are unpleasant. I just don’t watch them.
Trump seems to believe he has grown as a person, because he no longer watches TV that is mean to him. He’s so presidential now!
That’s enough embarrassing moments, don’t you think?
Uh yeah, but there are SO MANY MORE IN THE INTERVIEW. So if you can stomach it, head on over to the AP’s website. If you can’t stomach it, stay here at Wonkette where it is warm and nice and we make dick jokes.
Wonkette is fully funded by folks like you! If you like us, click below to donate!