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First of all, worry not, because this post is not actually a list of 83 SEPARATE QUOTES from President Pussgrab J. Trump, as rendered to the Associated Press. That would take too many minutes to copy/paste! The point is that Trump has done an interview with the AP and it is so embarrassing throughout that we could literally pick any number, and then find Trump stepping on his own dick that many times in the interview. Also, we’re just making up numbers like a common Donald Trump.

Let’s start with …

Donald Trump has the hugest ratings, he is the greatest TV sensation since noted reality show ‘9/11’

That’s right, Donald Trump thought it would be totally normal and OK, while patting himself on the ass for being so good for TV ratings, to say literally only 9/11 is better TV than himself:

TRUMP: … [I]t’s interesting, I have, seem to get very high ratings. I definitely. You know Chris Wallace had 9.2 million people, it’s the highest in the history of the show. I have all the ratings for all those morning shows. When I go, they go double, triple. Chris Wallace, look back during the Army-Navy football game, I did his show that morning.

AP: I remember, right.

TRUMP: It had 9.2 million people. It’s the highest they’ve ever had. On any, on air, (CBS “Face the Nation” host John) Dickerson had 5.2 million people. It’s the highest for “Face the Nation” or as I call it, “Deface the Nation.” It’s the highest for “Deface the Nation” since the World Trade Center. Since the World Trade Center came down. It’s a tremendous advantage.

We really could end this post right here, because what the fuck (and also Trump lied and said he’d tripled the show’s actual ratings, which isn’t even the point since he always does that). The president of the United States is having a pissing contest with 9/11.

But we, yr Wonkette, are at your service, so we’ll at least skim this thing a little bit more before we say screw it.

Donald Trump is the best expert of deciding not to insult the Chinese president when he wants something from the Chinese president.

TRUMP: … [T]hings change. There has to be flexibility. Let me give you an example. President Xi, we have a, like, a really great relationship. For me to call him a currency manipulator and then say, “By the way, I’d like you to solve the North Korean problem,” doesn’t work. So you have to have a certain flexibility, Number One. Number Two, from the time I took office till now, you know, it’s a very exact thing. It’s not like generalities. Do you want a Coke or anything?

AP: I’m OK, thank you. No. …

TRUMP: But President Xi, from the time I took office, he has not, they have not been currency manipulators. Because there’s a certain respect because he knew I would do something or whatever. But more importantly than him not being a currency manipulator the bigger picture, bigger than even currency manipulation, if he’s helping us with North Korea, with nuclear and all of the things that go along with it, who would call, what am I going to do, say, “By the way, would you help us with North Korea? And also, you’re a currency manipulator.” It doesn’t work that way.

Everything changed the second Glorious Leader Trump was president. Got it. At least he offered the AP dude a Coke.

The part about how Donald Trump learned that, like, missiles, like, kill people.

WHOA. IF. TRUE:

TRUMP: Number One, there’s great responsibility. When it came time to, as an example, send out the 59 missiles, the Tomahawks in Syria. I’m saying to myself, “You know, this is more than just like, 79 (sic) missiles. This is death that’s involved,” because people could have been killed. This is risk that’s involved, because if the missile goes off and goes in a city or goes in a civilian area — you know, the boats were hundreds of miles away — and if this missile goes off and lands in the middle of a town or a hamlet …. every decision is much harder than you’d normally make. (unintelligible) … This is involving death and life and so many things. … So it’s far more responsibility.

Being president is, like, big league, also too, and, like, the United States is really yooge.

This is what happens when you elect a shitty tycoon to lead the world’s sole superpower:

TRUMP: The financial cost of everything is so massive, every agency. This is thousands of times bigger, the United States, than the biggest company in the world. The second-largest company in the world is the Defense Department. The third-largest company in the world is Social Security. The fourth-largest — you know, you go down the list.

AP: Right.

TRUMP. It’s massive. And every agency is, like, bigger than any company. So you know, I really just see the bigness of it all, but also the responsibility. And the human responsibility. You know, the human life that’s involved in some of the decisions.

SADFACE. The press is still mean to him.

WHINE:

TRUMP: I used to get great press. I get the worst press. I get such dishonest reporting with the media. That’s another thing that really has — I’ve never had anything like it before. It happened during the primaries, and I said, you know, when I won, I said, “Well the one thing good is now I’ll get good press.” And it got worse. (unintelligible) So that was one thing that a little bit of a surprise to me. I thought the press would become better, and it actually, in my opinion, got more nasty.

MORE SADFACE. The Fake News sucks! Except Fox News, which is the most “accurate.”

TRUMP: I have learned one thing, because I get treated very unfairly, that’s what I call it, the fake media. And the fake media is not all of the media. You know they tried to say that the fake media was all the, no. The fake media is some of you. I could tell you who it is, 100 percent. Sometimes you’re fake, but — but the fake media is some of the media. It bears no relationship to the truth. It’s not that Fox treats me well, it’s that Fox is the most accurate.

Donald Trump’s border wall is going to be less expensive than everybody says, but it doesn’t matter, because it’s going to stop one percent of the drugs from coming in, and also all the drugs.

And why won’t drugs get across the wall? Because it will be a real wall, as opposed to a fake wall:

TRUMP: If we stop 1 percent of the drugs from coming in — and we’ll stop all of it. But if we stop 1 percent of the drugs because we have the wall — they’re coming around in certain areas, but if you have a wall, they can’t do it because it’s a real wall. That’s a tremendously good investment, 1 percent. The drugs pouring through on the southern border are unbelievable. We’re becoming a drug culture, there’s so much. And most of it’s coming from the southern border. The wall will stop the drugs.

Donald Trump doesn’t support Wicky-Licks anymore, but he doesn’t UNSUPPORT them either, but he likes reading their Good Information, which never should have come out in the first place.

TRUMP: When Wikileaks came out … never heard of Wikileaks, never heard of it. When Wikileaks came out, all I was just saying is, “Well, look at all this information here, this is pretty good stuff.” You know, they tried to hack the Republican, the RNC, but we had good defenses. They didn’t have defenses, which is pretty bad management. But we had good defenses, they tried to hack both of them. They weren’t able to get through to Republicans. No, I found it very interesting when I read this stuff and I said, “Wow.” It was just a figure of speech. I said, “Well, look at this. It’s good reading.”

AP: But that didn’t mean that you supported what Assange is doing?

TRUMP: No, I don’t support or unsupport. It was just information. They shouldn’t have allowed it to get out.

And finally, here is some word salad about “Morning Joe.”

TRUMP: I never thought I had the ability to not watch. Like, people think I watch (MSNBC’s) “Morning Joe.” I don’t watch “Morning Joe.” I never thought I had the ability to, and who used to treat me great by the way, when I played the game. I never thought I had the ability to not watch what is unpleasant, if it’s about me. Or pleasant. But when I see it’s such false reporting and such bad reporting and false reporting that I’ve developed an ability that I never thought I had. I don’t watch things that are unpleasant. I just don’t watch them.

Trump seems to believe he has grown as a person, because he no longer watches TV that is mean to him. He’s so presidential now!

That’s enough embarrassing moments, don’t you think?

Uh yeah, but there are SO MANY MORE IN THE INTERVIEW. So if you can stomach it, head on over to the AP’s website. If you can’t stomach it, stay here at Wonkette where it is warm and nice and we make dick jokes.

Wonkette is fully funded by folks like you! If you like us, click below to donate!

[AP]

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  • TakingAmes

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I read the annotated version of it, and I still have no idea what the fuck he was talking about.

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      That’s OK. Not even Trump knows what he’s talking about.

  • Chadwells
  • Villago Delenda Est

    Donald is a dick.

    Film at 11.

    • Marceline

      I hope that film includes pee hookers.

  • major_asshole

    He never addressed the biggest question on everyone’s mind:

    WHEN THE FUCK DO WE ACTUALLY START WINNING?

    Tried “fixing” healthcare. His own party (the one he’s belonged to since like 2000) told him to FOAD. Tried bombing. Didn’t do shit. Tried rattling a limp saber (eeeeeewwwwww). Got caught in a lie.

    WHEN DOES THE WINNING START?

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      In 2018 when he replaces the last Democrats with Tea Party crazies because nobody sane and intelligent bothers to vote.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      You need to hang out in the dinner room at the Mar-a-Lago and pick up investment tips from the waiter.

    • miss_grundy

      The day he is kicked out of office, hopefully, being led out handcuffed and doing a perp walk into a federal court to face charges.

    • Marceline

      As long as there are stories of brown people being harassed the Trumpkins feel like winners.

      • Christopher Story

        As long as it’s not those dirty Democrats and Liberals running the country, it’s a win. And if they have to burn the country to the ground to keep it out of their hands, well… They hear Russia is nice and conservative this time of life.

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      All together now

      Manana

      • LucindathePook

        it’s soon enough for me. Actually, not. Depends on if it’s what I call winning and if it’s Trump’s idea of winning.

  • memzilla Ω
    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      Trump is still starring in a reality show. But now there’s no director to tell him how to do the scenes without looking like a total idiot.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I remember thinking that when he was running. That he seemed to believe that if he won, suddenly everyone would be less critical. My mind is blown by this. He either forgot what Obama was going through, or never knew, or maybe believed it didn’t apply to him because white.

      • Eo Raptor

        Do keep in mind that The Orange One was a major source of what Obama was going through.

        OT, whatever happened to those detectives Drumpf sent to Hawaii to prove Obama wasn’t born there. I recall the Tangerine Man saying he couldn’t believe what they’d come up with, but since… crickets.

  • memzilla Ω
    • schmannity

      The next two smartest are chairs.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        You are. You said.

        • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

          And no one heard at all.

          • Opalescent Riddles

            Well I’m New York City born and raised
            But nowadays
            I’m lost between two shores
            D.C.’s fine, but it ain’t home
            New York’s home
            But it ain’t mine no more

      • arglebargle

        There’s is a plant of some substance there as well.

    • janecita

      Hey, he stole my comment!

    • Sister the Resister

      Wonderful! and… stealing.
      [runs off to FaceCrack]

    • Pollos Hermanos
      • AnnieGetYerFun

        I wonder if Trump bought her a more realistic set once they were married.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          You know what? I had a similar thought – boy, THOSE aren’t very realistic. I’ve been a woman my whole life (true story!) and I’ve seen a lot of other women, and that whole entirely-round thing? Um, no. Not really. Nope.

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            They are definitely among the worst fakes I have ever seen, and I watch a LOT of porn.

      • janecita

        Her “sexy” face looks a lot like her pissed off face. She isn’t very photogenic.

  • dslindc

    What a whiney little bitch.

    • Jennaratrix

      Total whiny little bitch libelz. I’d take a whiny little bitch as president over this guy every day of the week, and twice on Sundays.

  • dslindc
  • schmannity

    If ratings are the measure of his administration’s. If Ted Bundy were executed on live TV, he would have had higher ratings, but it wouldn’t make him a good president either.

    • Christopher Story

      I just heard that in John Oliver’s voice.

  • dslindc

    Donald has words. The best words.

    Cogent thoughts and sentences, not so much

  • anon_the_great

    OH DEAR GOD

    We are so fucked

    • dslindc

      Bigly

  • gene108

    Trump is your crazy, 70 year old uncle, who watched too much Fox News and blasts out Fox News conspiracy points via social media, without the warm cuddly redeeming qualities said relative may have or may have had.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    This is being made into a public service announcement called “Identifying the Signs of Dementia”.

  • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!

    I’d be so annoyed if this guy sat next to me on an airplane.

    • janecita

      I’d take Charlie the dog, over this asshole in a second!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      This is why you always pack the itching powder. Every. Single. Goddamned. Time.

    • aureolaborealis

      Bose has a pretty good solution for problems like that.

      • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

        But they monitor what you listen to.
        Bose headphones spy on listeners: lawsuit

        http://www.reuters.com/article/us-bose-lawsuit-idUSKBN17L2BT

        • aureolaborealis

          Only if you download the app! Never download the app!*

          *Pretty much my policy since downloading the HP app for a $100 printer 10 years ago. App proceeded to try to take over my computer. Would not play nice with the other applications. Demanded almost daily attention for updates and whatnot. I was all, “It’s not me; it’s you,” and deleted it.

    • GoutMachine

      THIS is the guy they should drag off the plane.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    (unintelligible) is the nicest thing I can say about the guy.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Bravo7, this is Zulu38: What the actual fuck, over?

    • Anna Rompage

      Zulu38, this is Bravo7; I have no fucking idea what so ever. over…

      • MynameisBlarney
        • MizzMazz

          “Red Lobster, may we get some cheese biscuits, over?”

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Red Rover, Red Rover, may Red Lobser come over, over?

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Bravo7, is this Monday again? Over.

        • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

          Zulu38, this is Acorn-Zero-Alpha, that is an affirmative. I say again, that is affirmative.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Acorn-Zero-Alpha, this is Zulu38. Roger, oh fuck me, Out.

        • Meccalopolis

          BOHICA, over and out

  • miss_grundy

    Geez, only 83???????

    • Sister the Resister

      Evan’s going gentle on us. It’s been a hard few months….

  • JD Mulvey

    If only Trump would “play the game,” Morning Joe would go back to reporting how awesome he is.

    I’m not sure he’s totally wrong on that one.

    • gene108

      He’s not.

      Joe and Mika were some of his biggest supporters during the campaign.

      They’d love nothing more than to be part of Donald’s “It crowd” again.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Now they’re more of a “Tag, you’re it” crowd.

  • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

    So what you’re saying is everybody but Trump was rolling their eyes, wincing and crying in pain while he talked? How is this news? It’s the most common reaction since Cheeto came down from the mountain to lead the masses to their destiny. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b2fd6862c7a3c4d556cf1d1425c1af3052c6abbf103ab4acdb29ab98ac19e568.gif

    • JD Mulvey

      The famous Disney fake lemming suicide film!

      • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

        Trump is just as phony. But like the film, real lemmings are going to die on his watch.

      • Thiazin Red

        As a kid that part terrified me. I would be awake at night wondering if some day something I couldn’t control would make me do something like that (I had weird existential fears as a kid).

        But learning that there were crew members hucking poor lemmings off that cliff was worse.

        • JD Mulvey

          They were just trying to educate your young mind. About lemmings. And other stuff.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        This was not The Judean Peoples’ Front Crack Suicide Squad?

      • Royal Ugly Dude

        Fake news!

        • JD Mulvey

          Disney was undoubtedly a pioneer in the field.

    • Meccalopolis

      I’d rather drop acid and watch my grandparents fuck

      • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

        😖 I know things are bad, but….

  • Msgr_MΩment

    I’m all outta snark right now. Somebody, please lance this boil.
    You know, using a democratic plebiscite.

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    I’d like to (unintelligible) every fucking Drumpf voter with a (unintelligible) through their (unintelligible) fucking (unintelligible) (unintelligible). And don’t even get me going on the McMullin and Stein voters!

    • miss_grundy

      Please start with Facebook and Twitter. Because the Trumpers who use those social media apps need (unintelligible) right now.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    So in conclusion, Trump is still measuring his success by his TV ratings, but no longer watches shows that disagree with him. The Art of Presidenting Good.

  • FDRliberal

    If Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders were in Trump’s place and talking in a similar deranged manner as Trump, I would be the first to call for their removal for being obviously mentally ill. The fact that Republicans refuse to see this exposes their utter contempt for the nation. Trump is an enemy of America, and he would be nothing without the support of scumbags like McConnell and Ryan, who lover their stolen justices and tax cuts for the wealthy, more than they care for their country.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Oh, they see it just fine. The problem is- they simply don’t care

    • cmd resistor

      EXACTLY.

    • Lamashtar

      Just watching Chris Hayes, I noticed the poll he used differentiates between Republicans and Trump voters. It is gratifying that there is a 20% loss in approval in regular Republicans.

  • anwisok

    “It’s the highest for “Deface the Nation” since the World Trade Center. Since the World Trade Center came down. It’s a tremendous advantage.”

    That’s as far as I could get. Is it against The Rules to say I’d like to introduce Donnie to the following friends of mine?
    http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1167331/thumbs/o-ANGRY-ANIMALS-570.jpg?1
    https://dncache-mauganscorp.netdna-ssl.com/thumbseg/33/33727-bigthumbnail.jpg
    http://i.imgur.com/bgdDZNy.jpg

    http://wallup.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/57758-wolf-animals-angry-748×468.jpg

    • MynameisBlarney

      Awww!
      They just want snuggles!

      • Sister the Resister

        You first.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Oh…who? Me?
          No thanks, I was just trying to encourage trump.

        • janecita

          After reading his “interview,” I’m so depressed that I volunteer to hug them all. We are so fucked!

      • Meccalopolis

        Snuggles of death

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      Smiling faces.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • janecita

    The Cuban me is very sad that Fidel isn’t alive to enjoy this cluster fuck. The American me is sad that we’re all alive, and trapped in this fucking nightmare!

    • UnsaltedSinner

      It’s the sort of thing that would make Karl Marx say: “See? I told you capitalism would destroy itself eventually!”

      • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

        He was right. Who knew?

      • Boscoe

        We just didn’t realize that when he said “itself” he actually meant “EVERYTHING”.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    It seems there were some things edited out…

    So you have to have a certain flexibility, Number One. Number Two – I like number One, myself, it’s very nice when they go on me, I have to say – from the time I took office till now, you know, it’s a very exact thing. It’s not like generalities.

    • mackafritz

      Huh? I recognize the words. But I don’t believe they go together like that.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I like number One, myself, it’s very nice when they go on me, I have to say

      Trump is still 100% Number Two, though he does seem to enjoy Number One from certain “ladies” at the Ritz Carlton.

      • LucindathePook

        It’s very nice when they go on him.

      • Meccalopolis

        Good catch. Freud slips what?

  • Christopher Story

    I just had to wring out my wallet because it was soaked will all the tears of the presidents that were worthy of being on our money. Except Jackson of course. He just keeps smirking that same smug grin.

    • Boscoe

      Wow, you know, I am actually surprised that Trump hasn’t started campaigning to have his face on some currency yet…

      …YET.

      • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

        He was told you have to be dead first. That cooled his jets.

        • Contemplative Ron

          Wanna bet he tries to have that rule changed?

          • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

            No bet. Wanna bet how hard he fails?

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    I find it interesting that the media keeps pointing out Trump’s “policy” about-faces, as though his rabid base paid attention to anything other than his tragic machismo and racism. No one who supported Trump cared about China’s currency manipulation, or about Syria. They cared about the vague idea that somehow, Trump would allow uneducated white people to once again get good-paying jobs right out of high school, and also keep many brown people out of the country.

    • Jennaratrix

      And also too re-subjugate the wimminz.

      • snark-lurker

        and black peeps

      • Werewolf

        And tell the Jooz to STFU.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    That AP reporter should get hazard pay, a case of the finest whisky we can find, and free therapy sessions.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Even if there’s no “smoking gun” evidence of all the russian money laundering and colluding and pee hookers, we can still impeach a president for being a total incompetent idiot that’s a danger to us and the rest of the world, right? Right? Please? Anyone? Sky god? Help?

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      If a majority in Congress wanted to. But having a total idiot fronting for them while they dismantle the last vestiges of the republic is the best thing for them.

  • MynameisBlarney

    I wonder where all the people that were sportin’ chubs because they admired the way this douchebag talks are at these days?

    • mackafritz

      It’s the way they talk too. So they probably understand what the hell he is saying.

    • Anna Rompage

      Agreeing 100% with the douche monger!

    • Relativicus

      They still admire the way he talks.

    • Vincent Ricola

      The 2 at my job are still at lunch (for going on 2.5 hours). I know this because I have an “unintelligible” email reply to some of their questions queued up for when they get back.

  • puredog

    Of those quotes, the thing that really leapt off the page at me was when Trump deployed the word “hamlet.” I mean — seriously? Besides all the huges and tremendouses and four-letter and three-letter words, he tosses out “hamlet”? Maybe it’s just me.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      how about “boat”?

      SMH

    • cmd resistor

      I found that odd, as well, and couldn’t figure out which WH idiot might have suggested it. Maybe he saw it on TV somewhere.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    Shithouse rat says: “Man, that dude is totes fucked up…”

    • puredog

      From today’s Metropolitan Diary:

      “Once, several years ago, I left my
      building on West 73rd Street and saw a line of cars backed up
      behind a sanitation truck that was picking up in front of my
      building.
      As I stood there, a woman got out of her
      car and marched indignantly up to one of the sanitation workers
      to complain that she needed to be somewhere soon.
      Before the man could reply, a rat jumped
      through a hole in the bag he was holding and ran up his arm,
      perching momentarily on his shoulder while considering its next
      move.
      With a visible shiver of fear and
      loathing, he smacked the rat off his shoulder. Turning to the
      woman, who stood with mouth agape, he said, “Lady, you see what
      we gotta contend with here.”
      Chastened, she spun
      around without uttering a word and returned to her car, where
      she waited for the truck to finish its stop.”

      Upfists for “contend.”

  • memzilla Ω

    “Trump turns on cable news immediately upon arising each morning and spends the day checking in via a television in the White House dining room. However, once the president goes upstairs at the end of the day, aides lose their ability to monitor and moderate the president’s intake.

    “’Once he goes upstairs, there’s no managing him, ‘one adviser told the Post.

    “Sometimes, at night, he hate-watches cable shows critical of him, while chatting on the phone with friends, said someone familiar with the president’s routine — a quirk a senior official jokingly called ‘multi-teching.’”

    • Celtic_Gnome

      That’s bullshit. Trump doesn’t have friends. He has associates, hangers-on, and sycophants.

  • MizzMazz

    I’ve been trying to parse this AP interview thing, and I will admit to not being super smart, but damn, if I can’t make sense out of even a tiny bit of it. It’s like john Oliver said about Ivanka, she uses a lot of words, but says nothing, and I will hesitate to quote Macbeth here, because we’ve seen that all too much lately.
    What is really SAD is how many Presidents have said fine and moving things, and this is what we have now?
    Valley Girl is more intelligible:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-LArv-sEQU

    • Anna Elizabeth

      I shall instead quote Hamlet, who was apparently speaking of anything said by Drumpf: “A Tale told by an Idiot, full of Sound and Fury, signifying Nothing.

      • MizzMazz

        *Cringe* Thought that was Macbeth! Bad Me!

        • Anna Elizabeth

          You’re right Sweetie, and I’m wrong. I’m blaming Q, whom quoted it at Picard while Picard was quoting Hamlet, for my confusion. XD

          Either that, or I’m a dumb. XD

          • MizzMazz

            No, just blame Q. He’s a Q and can handle it. :D

            And this song is making me miss the Galleria, back when shopping was fun. Yes, I was there in those days, in the summer. I miss ugly Hollywood.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            XD To quote Abraham Lincoln “Let me have men about me that are fat.”

          • MizzMazz

            “They make me look thin!”

          • Anna Elizabeth

            XD

      • janecita

        Macbeth.

        • MizzMazz

          Validated! Grody to the Max!

        • Anna Elizabeth

          It’s not Hamlet? Did Picard lie to me?

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            Huh, yeah, I thought it was Hamlet, too. But it’s Macbeth.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            I stand corrected and rebuked. XD Maybe it was Q that lied to me?

          • MizzMazz

            Aw, now Q would NEVER lie!

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            Eh, no need to feel rebuked. Honestly, Hamlet was so irritating that the quote could be ABOUT him.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            No worries, I was joking about the rebuke. It’s just embarrassing. XD

          • janecita

            I only know it, because my 11th grade, college prep, English teacher made us memorise a paragraph from Macbeth. I chose the one that contains that sentence. I still remember the whole thing by heart.

          • cmd resistor

            I think my 11th Grade English teacher made me write a paper on that speech. Out, out, brief candle, right?

          • janecita

            Yup, that’s the one!

          • janecita

            She should have died hereafter;
            There would have been a time for such a word.
            To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
            Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
            To the last syllable of recorded time,
            And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
            The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
            Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
            That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
            And then is heard no more: it is a tale
            Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
            Signifying nothing.

          • Rags
      • Manders

        That’s Mackers, not Hamlet. #Shakespedant

      • puredog

        From the Scottish play.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          I am never, ever going to live this down. XD

        • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

          One does never speak the name of the Scottish play.

          https://youtu.be/h–HR7PWfp0

      • Contemplative Ron

        That is so spot-on it’s spooky.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          If only I hadn’t messed up the reference. Otherwise, it fits. XD

  • canes_pugnaces
  • Thiazin Red

    The guy literally bragged about now having the tallest building down town on actual 9/11, so maybe in his mind he is competing with it.

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      He is in competition with the entire Universe. And terrified he might be losing. Trump doesn’t even cover his fears that well.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    But when I see it’s such false reporting and such bad reporting and false reporting that I’ve developed an ability that I never thought I had. I don’t watch things that are unpleasant. I just don’t watch them.

    Donnie never knew he had the ability to turn off the TV, or change the channel. Who knows what hitherto unsuspected “abilities” he will discover as he grows into his new job? Perhaps we can all rest easily, after all.

  • Ezio

    83?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Steve Miller immediately came up with five more. Because.

      • cheetojeebus

        ISWYDT [golf clap]

  • Anna Rompage

    Sweet little baby jesus cucking mother Theresa!

    My glitchy random word generator is more coherent than Trump…

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Do you want a Coke or anything?

    I’m trying my best Mad Men here:
    “Have a Coke and some bile.”
    “I’d like to cram a bottle of Coke down the world’s throat…”
    “Hey, kid, Look!” *steals kid’s Joe Greene jersey while he’s distracted*

    • canes_pugnaces

      I honestly think he meant to say: “Hey, you want some coke, or anything.”

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Was the reporter a ten? Cause that would be relevant here.

        • canes_pugnaces

          It’s very hard for someone with small breasts to be a ten.

          • Boscoe

            …unless they also have coke.

  • memzilla Ω

    The president also said that he had stopped paying attention to the mainstream media — and then contradicted himself.

    TRUMP: OK. The one thing I’ve learned to do that I never thought I had the ability to do. I don’t watch CNN anymore.
    AP: You just said you did.
    TRUMP: No. No, I, if I’m passing it, what did I just say (inaudible)?
    AP: You just said —
    TRUMP: Where? Where?
    AP: Two minutes ago.

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      When you’re high on Coke, you just motormouth without control.

    • GoutMachine

      AP: You’re literally watching it right now, even as we sit here!

  • laughingnome
  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    But President Xi, from the time I took office, he has not, they have not been currency manipulators.

    True. But only because they stopped about ten years ago, which includes time since Little Donnie took office.

    https://www.brookings.edu/opinions/what-you-may-not-know-about-china-and-currency-manipulation/

  • Ezio

    Donald Trump is one of those people who is always so ambiguous when he speaks that he might fool someone into thinking he makes a good point, until you point out the holes in his reasoning. I think someone needs to stand at all his conferences and speeches with a sign that says “citation needed”.

    “People are saying”

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Like hearing a 5th grader present a book report who hadn’t even bothered to crack his Cliff Notes copy open.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    “TRUMP: Number One, there’s great responsibility. When it came time to, as an example, send out the 59 missiles, the Tomahawks in Syria. I’m saying to myself, “You know, this is more than just like, 79 (sic) missiles. This is death that’s involved,” because people could have been killed…”

    Sweet Jesus. It’s like he’s talking about learning what it’s like to be a politician and a world leader, but, like, delivered in the format of your 6-year old babbling at you what he learned in school that day.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Wait a minute, until that point he didn’t realize that when you fire deadly weapons there is a tendency for the people you fire them at to end up dead?
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5e1829f92e5b3a988c8a2e7e0bf5926efc0f37842f1f5b268098851c2def6cb5.gif

      • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!

        I thought we always bombed lovingly and compassionately. Ya think Rumsfeld might have been lying?

        • Doug Langley

          No, that’s why Rumsfeld used Flower Power bombs.

      • Boscoe

        I love the way, in the space of one sentence, it went from 59 to 79 missiles. I wonder how much he will have learned by the time it’s 129 missiles? “Those 349 missiles taught me alot. it’s a very yoouge responsibility, sending those 479 beautiful missiles.”

  • not_vh

    he only talks about himself!

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      The only subject he knows.

      • Contemplative Ron

        I would posit that he doesn’t even know himself, though he thinks he knows what he’s done.

        • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

          To be honest, we are all kinda like that.

          “I have no knowledge of myself as I am, but merely as I appear to myself.”
          Immanuel Kant

  • mardam422

    It’s the bigness. And the responsibility. But not just that. It’s the responsibility of the bigness of everything. And the size of it all, and the responsibility that comes with that. (Unintelligible). You know?

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    That boy ain’t right in the head…

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      And other places. According to rumor.

      • Proud Liberal

        No doubt he has ED.

    • Jim Johnson

      You hit that nail right on the head.

  • Sister the Resister

    Steven Benen over at msnbc is equally gobsmacked, if sharing fewer dick jokes publicly.
    Donald Trump’s ignorance keeps getting in the way

    In the president’s mind, this doesn’t even make him appear foolish or irresponsible. On the contrary, Trump seems to believe he can just guess what the truth might be and it’ll all work out in the end. This is more than an ignorance problem; it’s a learning problem. Trump doesn’t know what he doesn’t know, but he’s nevertheless prepared to tell you his thoughts on the subjects he doesn’t understand.

    TPM’s Josh Marshall recently put it this way: “Ignorance is just the first stage of Trump’s fairly advanced problem. He is not only ignorant but clearly unaware of his level of ignorance. This is compounded by a seeming inability to understand that everyone else isn’t equally ignorant to him.”

    • mackafritz

      This is textbook Dunning-Kruger effect.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        He is the ultimate D-K candidate. All those people finally found someone just like them to vote for…

      • Opalescent Riddles

        TEXTBOOK.

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      America is in the hands of a full-blown PHB.

    • jesterpunk

      Trump said in 2007 he doesnt hire people smarter then he is because they wont be impressed by him.

      https://www.buzzfeed.com/christophermassie/trump-in-2007-hire-great-people-but-make-sure-theyre-not-sma

      • Opalescent Riddles

        That leaves a very small pool to hire from. Yet, he finds them.

        • jesterpunk

          I think he can get a few more people from fox news and specifically fox and friends.

    • Jim Johnson

      They may have rediscovered the Dunning-Kruger effect. It certainly applies to Trumpy, his lickspittles, and his minions.

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      The true test of intelligence is not what you know, or what you don’t know, but what you know you don’t know.

      • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

        I didn’t know that.

        • Opalescent Riddles

          But now you know you didn’t know that, so it’s a known unknown.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    When Wikileaks came out … never heard of Wikileaks, never heard of it.

    Ladies and gentlemen, the man who decided he was smarter than all the generals and all the politicians and everyone else.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    None of it matters. I learned over the weekend from being around a bunch of Trump voters that the value or efficacy of a particular policy position is judged only by how bigly one believes it. Results don’t count. Contradictions are irrelevant. Changing position is fine. As long as he is vociferous in his profession of belief, he is (and by extension they are) right, and that is all that matters.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      I really don’t think “When the law and the facts are against you, pound upon the table” was meant to be a political credo…

      • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

        I though that was it’s biggest application.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      It’s true- these people are just as unhinged and delusional as he is. Donnie is the Pied Piper of the dumb, delusional and hateful. As long as he validates their idiocy, he can do no wrong.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I saw a post from a high school friend on FB who’s a fairly successful businessman and a Trump supporter. He was talking about going to California for business. Referred to it as a failed state in a failing country.

    • mackafritz

      He can howl that 2+2=5 and in their mind he would be correct.

      • Vincent Ricola

        And then they’ll semantics argue the rest of us to death because 2+2=4 is a liberal conspiracy and Donald is the only one telling the real truth!!11!

        • AJ Milne

          Well, sure. Addition…

          Obviously a commutative plot.

          (I’ll get my coat.)

    • Proud Liberal

      What really bites is tRUMP received 46% of 57.9% of voters. That is like 25% of the population. The 75% of the rest of us are getting shafted big time!

      • Opalescent Riddles

        And a huge fraction of the remaining 25% as well.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      To be honest, it’s just too soon for them to realize their mistake. It’s like when you buy a new car and everyone keeps pointing out how shitty it is, you’re already emotionally invested in the choice since it reflects on your intelligence/wisdom/etc, so you end up reflexively defending it even though you just make yourself look even dumber. It’s only when you’ve driven it around for a while before you allow yourself to realize that yeah, this thing really does suck.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        but there will be some who will put 100,000 miles on it and still not admit they bought a lemon (not to mention the ones who will be too stupid to even realize it)

        • Slamtundra

          And lots of those (both the stubborn ones and the stupid ones) will buy the same model again.

      • ltmcdies

        Carl Sagan wrote a line years ago in one of his books along the lines that nobody thanks for a demonstration of their credulity.

        If Trump is anything it’s a demo of just how “credulous” his voter base is?

        And they ain’t going to easily admit to be being “had”

        • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

          They might finally admit to having bought a lemon, but it will always. *Always.* Be Hillary’s fault. Bet your bottom dollar on that one.

        • Pierre_de_Fermat

          True. But if he is in early stage, the GOP will have to figure a way to edge him out. As it become more obvious, they will be scrambling to do something, anything.

      • exinkwretch

        Not smart enough to do your research and find out the tub also depreciates by 40% the moment you drive it off the lot. Stupidity is expensive!

      • Opalescent Riddles

        It’s the same phenomenon as club initiation rituals. If it wasn’t a good club, I wouldn’t have gone through all this bullshit to get in, so it must be a good club.

      • Bebecca

        or even a spouse

    • Anna Rompage

      So in other words, they’re just like hard core conservative, evangelical, family values Christians?

    • Rags

      Yeah – and WaPo reports that 90+% of 4-5 voters still approve of his performance. His unfavorables come from folks who a)voted for hilz, b) wasted their vote on some other asshole, c) couldn’t be arsed to get to the polls. Please fuck b) and c) with the rusty implement (edit: decorated with votes, of course) of your choice.

    • Jim Johnson

      Mostly, it seems like they judge an “idea” or “thought” on the basis of whether it will make the libruls heads explode or not. If it upsets the libruls then it must be a wise choice. What a bunch of morans.

    • dshwa

      Neurological research has shown that political beliefs reside partially in the areas of the brain that create your sense of self identity. That’s why they can’t see how bad he is, it’s a challenge to self that they’d have to overcome.

      • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

        It’s weird tho, in that despite being a flaming liberal I have no problem criticizing my own party’s leaders. Obama spent way too long making nice-nice with Republicans, Schumer is a media and corporate whore, Hillary would connect easier with a USB port than humans, Bernie has a martyr complex, etc. So why is this shit so hard for their side?

        • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

          Because their choices are so deeply flawed once someone starts listing the problems, it usually ends in criminal charges.

        • dshwa

          The related neuroscience research has shown that liberals have more active prefrontal cortexes and conservatives have more active amygdalas. In some ways, that means we physically think differently. (It’s also why conservatives respond so much more strongly to fear tactics) That’s why liberals overcome our beliefs more easily and adapt new ones, the parts that counter that instinct are more active and opened up for accepting new information rather that reacting against it. (This might also be why so many more college professors are liberals, learning increases your prefrontal activity and wires you for it, and those whose wiring is inherently geared for an active prefrontal cortex gravitate to academic pursuits​)

    • CripesAmighty

      (And once again): “Fact is that which enough people believe. Truth is determined by how fervently they believe it.” — The Third Great Premise of Idiot America, Charlie Pierce.

  • Marceline

    I wonder how many people have watched Trump speak and thought, “He sounds just like Uncle Cletus. We should probably take Uncle Cletus to a doctor.”

    • SweetDeeKat

      I was pondering dementia, but now I think it’s just stoopidity. With early dementia you still have smarts, but have trouble stringing it together. Maybe somewhere more familiar with it can chime in, as I don’t remember the word salad Pussgrab is spewing.

  • mardam422

    So, basically, between the unintelligible parts and the parts that make no sense, this guy never says anything worth hearing.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    TRUMP: If we stop 1 percent of the drugs from coming in — and we’ll stop all of it. But if we stop 1 percent of the drugs because we have the wall — they’re coming around in certain areas, but if you have a wall, they can’t do it because it’s a real wall. That’s a tremendously good investment, 1 percent. The drugs pouring through on the southern border are unbelievable. We’re becoming a drug culture, there’s so much. And most of it’s coming from the southern border. The wall will stop the drugs.

    Uhhhh…no Donnie. Your big pharma corporate asshole buddies are a huge part of the drug problem. It’s coming from inside the house!

    http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2015/10/06/fda-oxycontin-heroin-opioid-addiction-crisis

    • Proud Liberal

      But…but…Mexico!

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I thought Shorty et al were from CT.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          Peanut and G are from down the road in SW Dekalb. You don’t have to go far.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          No, they’re from New York City. They only go to CT to sell drugs and get laid.

    • mackafritz

      Spending $25B is worth it to reduce drugs by 1%? This guy is supposed to be a successful businessman?

      • bupkus231

        He’s been listening to Sessions….

      • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

        He has never been a successful businessman…

        • Prof. T. Green Bastard

          Inherits money + plays in business world sandbox = successful businessman

          • jesterpunk

            He would have more money if he did absolutely nothing and just invested in index funds.

            http://fortune.com/2015/08/20/donald-trump-index-funds/

          • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

            Far more money, and far fewer failed businesses and bankruptcies.

          • jesterpunk
          • Prof. T. Green Bastard

            May he successfully businessman himself to the poor jail house.

          • Bebecca

            It reminds me of a joke. Know how to make a million dollars in the restaurant industry? Start with 2 million dollars.

      • Contemplative Ron

        That would make the dope trade worth 2.5 TRILLION dollars. Wow, who knew it was so profitable?

    • CripesAmighty

      And what about the ignint hicks on SSDI sitting on their porches bitching about the coal jobs that they’d get fired from because they’re bombed on the oxy thad didn’t jump from the pharmacy to their mouths?
      Personal responsibility and all that…

  • beingreleased

    I had a plumbing problem the other day, and some guy out on the street said to me, oh, plumbing is easy, I’ll get in there and fix things up right away. It’ll be better than ever. So I hired him and paid in advance, and then he screws everything up and says, Who knew plumbing was so complicated. Anyway, I’m sticking with my decision and I’m sure he’ll figure it out before my house floats away.

    • Doug Langley

      Well, it’s a good thing you weren’t suckered in by that lady who had plumbered for years and years. Cuz I heard she had a “pay to play”. Or something.

      • NastyBossetti

        Also, girls can’t plumb! Don’t be crazy.

  • C4TWOMAN

    “The president of the United States is having a pissing contest with 9/11.”

    Speaking of which, where’s that “new investigation” he was promising Alex Jones and the Conspiracy community?

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      Alex still wants the straight skinny on Area 51, Donnie…

  • rosenbomb

    Thank goodness we avoided electing the woman who speaks in coherent sentences.

    *cries*

    • C4TWOMAN

      We sure dodged that bullet!

    • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!

      Hillary was nothing but a big ole butter-emails

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      Look on the bright side. Chuck Todd says “It’s becoming hard to ignore Trump’s conflicts of interest any more.” I mean I’m sure they’ll keep trying – but it’s getting hard. Oh well – better late than never, right?

      http://crooksandliars.com/2017/04/chuck-todd-its-becoming-hard-ignore-trumps

      • jesterpunk

        I am sure if Donny just blew something up or read from a TelePrompTer he could ignore it.

        • Contemplative Ron

          Bye-bye, Pyongyang.

      • mackafritz

        They will work really hard finding some false equivalency.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        or turns down Sumner Redstone’s merger.

      • rosenbomb

        It’s becoming harder, Chuck? His conflicts of interest were hard to ignore a year ago. FFS

        • arundel

          Also implies that Big Journalismers like GD moron Chuck Todd were trying to ignore Trump’s million conflicts of interest. Sounds about right.

      • cmd resistor

        So this morning there was a little blurb on the radio about Purdue’s confirmation hearing today and the reason it had taken so long was that he had to untangle all his family business interests. So you have to do that to be in the Cabinet because RULES, but not to be president, because I guess they assumed that no complete asshole would get the job and just NOT do it because he doesn’t want to.

    • Doug Langley

      Yeah, I sure couldn’t have taken an economic plan that would create 15 million new jobs.

      • rosenbomb

        Healthcare? Who needs it!

      • therblig

        the parking problems alone would devastate this nation.

        • Doug Langley

          And all the traffic congestion from those taco trucks!

    • Randy Riddle

      But her coherent Benghazi emailz!

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      Yeah, who has time to listen to those things? It’d be known as the TL:DR Presidency, right? Subjects, predicates, verb clauses, all that edumacated elitist shit. Fuckin’ grammar, how does that work, anyway…

    • Bebecca

      but does she speak in coherent tweets?

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Ima go get some milk, take care Everypony, and in the words of the Bard: “It is a far better thing than I have ever done.”

    XD

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      Ta.

    • Rags

      Again with the quotes, Anna? That’s Dickens – Tale of Two Cities……

      • Anna Elizabeth

        See, that’s point Hun, an obvious Malaprop to poke fun at myself.

        • Rags

          Nice try. ,😉

  • JParkerSD46

    Well, I’m happy to say that I, too, like our glorious, beautiful, yoooge, bigly, best and most magnificent Dear Leader, have “learned one thing.” It is simply that whatever Dear Leader spews forth from his mouth-hole “bears no resemblance to the truth.”

    • dshwa

      The truth, a coherent thought, or reality.

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        Or even English…

  • Iam Reading

    Being a nation comprised of 50% stupid people is painful enough but to have one as our president is really truly awful.

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      That 50% are grateful he learned them that Lincoln was a Republican, Fred Douglass is doing good work and Susan B Anthony was a real girl.

      • therblig

        “SBA was a 4 at best. Would not grab” – DJT

    • Raan

      79%, if you count the motherfuckers who didn’t vote.

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      We’ve had stupid Presidents before. But their party usually arranged for a bunch of keeper to prevent things like this interview. This time the Rebs are so internally divided nobody is handling even the basics like that.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Trump wouldn’t listen to them anyway. There are any number of neocons that would gladly advise him (they’ve screwed up enough already, but at least they know how gubmint works), but he doesn’t like or trust anyone outside his little circle. And also, nobody’s as smart as Donald.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Some are not stupid. They can be spiteful, hateful, ignorant, unaffected (seemingly).

  • Tzipora Kaplan

    I just…I’m weeping in my next life, you guys.

  • Meccalopolis

    ^^^^^^
    Thing I can’t

  • thewalkindude
    • cmd resistor

      So almost 10 times as much in attorney fees for trying to jerk these paint guys out of $34,000. Because he is an asshole.

      • Rags

        And this is how he wins. The paint guys had to risk 10x their bill to recover the money. How many small contractors would view that as a good investment???

        • cmd resistor

          I’m glad it backfired on him at least one time.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          Anyone who is pissed off enough. All this time and Trump wouldn’t settle? Actually filed an appeal? Fuck it, I’d have stuck with it too.
          Ex-H#2 strung out our divorce by 2 years and got pissed when I asked for a summary judgment as had the divorce declared by the court when he didn’t show up for the third time. He tried the same shit with the sale of the marital property. Never counter offered thinking that I would go away. As if. And when I filed for summary judgment on that one, he had the nerve to get pissed.

  • jaspersdad

    Only 83?

    • Tokays_don’t_blink

      Right? Bigly sad. Weak. Terrible, just terrible.

  • cmd resistor

    I was never able to read the whole thing at one sitting, but did this interview also include a part where he said his sort of State of the Union address to Congress had been described by many as the greatest speech ever given in that hall? Or was that just part of one of the bad dreams I had last night.

    • Rick Hill

      If not, he surely made a follow up phone call to make that point

      • cmd resistor

        I swear I read it somewhere yesterday.

        • Rags

          Marc Thiessen tweeted this opinion in February: “This was one of the best presidential addresses to a joint session of Congress ever delivered. ”

          https://twitter.com/WBBBPB/status/836778170531602432

          Whether 4-5 ever said the same or not, we can be certain he would agree (even if he doesn’t remember what he said or even whether he actually gave the speech.)

          • cmd resistor

            I just suffered through his whole AP thing and couldn’t find it, but I swear I read him talking about this, probably quoting that tweet, because that sounds so much like what I remember.

          • cmd resistor

            Just to prove to myself I wasn’t nuts, I went back and found it:
            (An aide talks about the president’s address to Congress.)
            TRUMP: A lot of the people have said that, some people said it was the single best speech ever made in that chamber.
            AP: You seem like you enjoyed it.
            TRUMP: I did. I did. I believed in it and I enjoyed it. It was a great feeling to introduce the wife of a great young soldier who died getting us very valuable information. Have you seen the tremendous success? … That’s another thing that nobody talks about. Have you seen the tremendous success we’ve had in the Middle East with the ISIS (an abbreviation for the Islamic State group)? When (current Iraqi Prime Minister Haider al) Abadi left from Iraq, he said Trump has more success in eight weeks than Obama had in eight years. … We have had tremendous success, but we don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about it.
            AP: Do you mean you don’t talk about it personally because you don’t want to talk about it?
            TRUMP: I don’t talk about it. No. And the generals don’t talk about it

          • NastyBossetti

            “I don’t talk about the thing that I’ve just been talking about. We don’t talk about it at all. I didn’t mention it to you just three seconds ago because I don’t talk about it.”

          • cmd resistor

            It’s worse than a drunk Tina Rey doing Palin.

    • BigCSouthside

      Yeah he did

  • Mary Sandoras

    Shorter version: Our president is like, you know, unintelligible.

    • Randy Riddle

      Even shorter version: “We’re all screwed.”

  • Randy Riddle

    “The president of the United States is having a pissing contest with 9/11.”

    9/11 didn’t have Russian pee hookers. So there.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      That we know… Sorry, even I have that much snark.

  • Rick Hill

    “because if the missile goes off and goes in a city or goes in a civilian area — you know, the boats were hundreds of miles away — and if this missile goes off and lands in the middle of a town or a hamlet ”

    But it doesn’t. There’s lots of math involved. They have a special, milspec funnel they use to poor a ton of math into each missile, right before launch so it’s fresh. No worries, donnie, not everyone in the world gets by on hoping everyone else is paying attention.

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      Yeah, but we all know science is nothing but horseshit.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      It’s not too big a stretch to say computers were invented largely to help the Navy hit what they were fucking aiming at…

      • Pierre_de_Fermat

        Fire Control System. On a warship, they had to calculate distance, set elevation for the guns (up to 16″ … 18 for the Yamato) — the “firing solution” — on a rolling sea. Newer ones are more compact. Jeeze. Have never seen one.

    • GoutMachine

      Someone should tell him that we have pretty nice missiles that can be accurately fired from even THOUSANDS of miles away!

      EDIT: Wait. No, nobody tell him that.

  • Thanks, Wonkette, I probably didn’t need those brain cells that just committed suicide while reading that.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      I anaestize my brain cells first. Then they don’t die. Don’t need brain cells anyway to read Dolt 45’s blithering.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Good lord. Erdogan’s free ride just became retroactive.

    @maggienyt’s FIL is a major Good Deed Doer of armenian descent, and he’s on the board of a yearly award comemmorating the genocide. Wonder how compelling he finds her excuses.

    https://twitter.com/BerniedOut/status/856579418961190913

  • Hey Trump, we know, you don’t have the ability to do lots of things.
    Like being a not embarrassing president, for example. Or not being a total ego tripping douche nozzle.

  • Indivisible Snark Tank

    For someone supposedly as media-savvy as Dampnut is (or purports to be), he really has no idea what ratings are, and how they differ from approval poll numbers. People tune in to see him not because he’s saying anything profound, not because they agree with him, but because we’re waiting for the next bomb to go off. We’re hoping to see him say something (else) so incredibly inane, uninformed, tasteless, baseless, or just fucked up. That has nothing to do with agreeing with him.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      And people have stopped doing that too. A lot of us wait for the clip of the specific insanity, knowing that nothing of substance will be said, nothing that you can rely on.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    What’s worse than this blathering incoherent crooked incompetent are the 96% of the people who voted for him that still approve of his job performance.

    • To be fair to them, they wanted to have a blathering idiot who would stick it to those moochers and takers (aka, NOT them) so they could enjoy their mooching and taking more.

    • Whollyholeyholy

      He is the L. Ron Hubbard of their cult. Why would they find fault with such a magnanimous creature?

  • Notreelyhelping

    Now and then, there’s a thought almost able to reach the surface, but then it gets swamped by neuroses and complexes. I wonder if the reporter thought: how many people are in there?

    • I am starting to think it is actually all on purpose.
      He says a whole buncha words to say nothing at all, but no one realizes that because by the time he’s done yapping, everyone’s eyes have glazed over.
      He is weirdly VERY coherent about how the news is mean to him but Fox is ok.

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        That’s a tic. I saw him on the View early in the campaign and he seemed like a normal guy. Sat and talked to them, no problem. No rambling. But I haven’t seen that guy since. I think he’s scared and overwhelmed and thought the Alex Jones schtick that he adopted for the rallies is what makes him popular. Has no powers of discernment. And now he’s stuck with it.

      • Notreelyhelping

        It’s a possibility, though he used to speak more coherently. It’s kind of a boring explanation, but I think he’s an exhausted 70 year old, in way over his head, with the attention span of a gnat and fragile but insatiable ego.

        And one (or two) videotapes away from total humiliation.

        • OddMan

          How about twenty videos past due?

          • Notreelyhelping

            Word has it that’s more than one Trump, never mind more than one tape.

  • Ω cynmac will never surrender

    I stopped listening to Shrub’s speeched because I just couldn’t stand the sound of his voice and the under the breath chuckle (“heh heh heh”) he had. But I could read the transcripts.
    I can’t even do that now. Yep, worse than Shrub on one more count.

    • DainBramage

      It’s amazing how he eclipses W’s intentional ignorance.

      • Jim Johnson

        There was a glimmer of a hint of decency to W.
        The Donald has absolutely zero redeemable qualities. He is a horrible human being.

  • whitroth

    Oh, if the missiles come down in a civilian area, people could be killed. Gosh, wow, I didn’t know we were *that* far in the future, that there were only robots in the military, not actual people who could be hurt or killed.

    • TA

      Yeah, but they’re only Syrians. So, let those missiles fly!

  • Whollyholeyholy

    This 9/11 comparison is actually a data point. Trump is the biggest disaster our nation has ever experienced. Even he says so.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Good one, good one.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      I just couldn’t believe all those voters would intentionally fly this country into a building like that.

      • Meccalopolis
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    • Cincy Jim Knecht

      All like you will be tracked down and killed.

      • Whollyholeyholy

        I live in terror.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    So … which is “better”: 9/11 or DJT?

    Probably too soon to tell.

    • JoeChristmas

      11/9 Never Forget!!1!

  • ariel_gee_398

    AP dude is actually AP lady – Julie Pace was the interviewer for this….thing. Just so we all know where to send the condolences and whiskey.

    • Marceline

      Julie Pace is a goddamn American hero for not drinking her way through that.

      • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

        She had Novocaine injected into her auditory nerves. Smart move.

      • Trump would take “being drunk” as “consent.”

      • Anna Rompage

        I would have had to take a triple does of Fukitol at the end of that shit show…

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    “Well he said, you’ll be the greatest president in the history of, but you know what, I’ll take that also, but that you could be. But he said, will be the greatest president but I would also accept the other. In other words, if you do your job, but I accept that.”
    OK class, we’ll go over sentence structure again before you can move onto the 5th grade.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    If there’s a war, I mean if it’s a big war, someone could get hurt!

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      Translation: “I could be personally inconvenienced.”

  • Anna Rompage

    ‘It’s unbelievable what he has been able to do in his first 100 days’ Lying Spice

    Yep, it sure is…. Lets count the ways!

    ~Nearly getting into to a trade war with China & Mexico
    ~Nearly starting an unprovoked war with North Korea
    ~Has yet to get one piece of legislation through congress
    ~Alienated most of our long time western allies
    ~Played more golf than all other presidents combined
    ~Rack up more travel expenses than any other president
    ~Has fired several top advisors due to their ties with Russia
    ~Got to sit in a big rig and blow his own horn

    and the list goes on and on and on

    • Bitter Scribe

      ~Has yet to get one piece of legislation through congress

      Be grateful.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Keeping the text of the 25th Amendment handy.

    • clairence

      Sorry, the Republicans on Capitol Hill couldn’t care less.

      • Marsupial99

        This is what I keep telling people when they ask what is taking so long to impeach — there is NO IMPEACHING this guy barring either a total house flip in 2018 or something that would personally affect the House GOP members. At this point, it’s a frog march out of the Oval or nothing!

  • Little Doll–MOAMF

    He offered her a Coke. He offered her a COKE! Did Coca-Coal give him money for his inauguration? No, Pepsi did that, the creeps! He can’t even have brand loyalty to companies that kiss his ass.

    He pretty much sucks at life.

    • laineypc

      No, he would have offered Pepsi to make Coke feel bad. He is senile and forgot which one gave him money.

  • HogeyeGrex

    (unintelligible)

    They could have gone with that for the whole thing, and spared so many so much pain.

  • GoutMachine

    “I never thought I had the ability to not watch.”

    Just gonna leave that right there.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Is our Chaunceys learning?

  • Jgb979

    I’m only going to be able to read wonkette translations of coke-fueled big boy stupid from now on.

    “It’s the highest for “Face the Nation” or as I call it, “Deface the Nation.” It’s the highest for “Deface the Nation” since the World Trade Center.”

    1. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yooooooooou
    2. Is he 12? Is there some sort of medical condition that prevents brain growth?

    • rumsey

      He thinks “Deface the Nation” is original and incredibly witty.

      • clairence

        for him, it is.

        • Contemplative Ron

          It probably took him all week to think of it.

        • cmd resistor

          I’m sure Wingnut Brother would approve. He likes the Washington Com-Post. Clever guy.

      • Manders

        Oh, I hope John Dickerson asks him about that the next time he goes on. He never has the guts to say this childish BS to anyone’s face.

  • Bitter Scribe

    I’m trying to imagine Barack Obama crowing about the ratings for his TV appearances, and I just can’t do it.

  • BigCSouthside

    I don’t know how you can read this whole thing and conclude this guy is all there

    • Brexit Saboteur

      oh he’s all *there* all right, it’s just that nobody’s got a fucking clue where ‘there’ is…

  • rumsey

    The AP “dude” was an AP “gal.”

    • Marsupial99

      I hope she got hazard pay.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    He must have said “I” eleventy million times. America- It’s alllllllllllll about Donnie.

  • JParkerSD46

    Time for a new fun game!!! Take a section from Drumph’s AP derp-a-thon and replace each occurrence of “(unintelligible)” with what you think could have been said. I’ll start.

    TRUMP: Well I’m going to roll probably on Wednesday, around Wednesday of next week, we’re putting out a massive tax reform — business and for people — we want to do both. We’ve been working on it (“it” being pussy-grabbing. Oh, and screwing the middle class, too). Secretary Mnuchin is a very talented person, very smart. Very successful (especially at fucking over 90 year old ladies who were 30 cents short on a mortgage payment, LOL) … We’re going to be putting that out on Wednesday or shortly thereafter. Let me leave a little room just in case (for the most beautiful chocolate cake you’ve ever seen and cuz you know this pile of poop hasn’t even been written yet). … And that’s a big story, because a lot of people think I’m going to put it out much later.

    Next.

  • Al Swearengen

    I’ve been trying to cut back on my online cussing this year, but fucking unbelievable. Chauncey Gardner sounds like Neil Degrasse-Tyson next to this fucking simpleton.

  • clairence

    “Wow” is just a figure of speech. Interesting. Tell me more.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    “You know they tried to say that the fake media was all the, no”.
    Didn’t Shakespeare have a line like that?

    • cmd resistor

      I don’t remember if it was in a sonnet or one of the plays.

    • gkshenaut

      More like this:
      “Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my
      years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters,
      remember that I am an ass. Though it be not written down, yet
      forget not that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of
      piety, as shall be prov’d upon thee by good witness. I am a wise
      fellow; and which is more, an officer; and which is more, a
      householder; and which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any
      is in Messina, and one that knows the law, go to! and a rich
      fellow enough, go to! and a fellow that hath had losses; and one
      that hath two gowns and everything handsome about him. Bring him
      away. O that I had been writ down an ass!”
      —Dogsberry, Act IV, Scene II, of Much Ado About Nothing.

    • laineypc

      Is that a line from Being There?

  • Al Swearengen

    That our “Commander in Chief” doesn’t know that cruise missiles are GPS-controlled to land, at most, a yard from their targets is pants-on-head unbelievable. Our problem with blowing up civilians isn’t the accuracy of our ordanance, it’s the accuracy of our targeting.

  • subatomic

    Is there really someone that can read that transcript and think, “now that is an intelligent person we have as president”? In a sane world, this would be used to initiate at 25th amendment removal.

    • Pisto75666

      Just imagine if Hilary or Obama had rambled on that way, they’d be 25th Amendment’ed so fast.

      • Invidosa

        Agreed, it amazes me how phenomenally fucking low expectations are are for this guy. If he uses a complete sentence his sycophants likely stand around him like crazed seals clapping wildly and saying what a big boy he is!

        • Pisto75666

          Well most of his sycophants (and base) don’t have a lot of experience with complete sentences so of course they’d be thrilled by one.

          • Invidosa

            I keep forgetting that proper Grammer and syntax, not to mention a good vocabulary, are merely a crutch for us liberal Satan worshipping elite. Silly me! Praise ba’al!!

          • Pisto75666

            Just don’t do it again.

          • Invidosa

            I stand humbly chastised. . . Yet another word our king president Dumbass McFuckitypants doesn’t know the meaning of

          • Pisto75666

            That’s his word for tomorrow on the calendar.

          • Invidosa

            Two words, two words he doesn’t know. The dickless wonder thinks”humble” is some kind of exotic fruit from TurLebanChinIstan.

          • Pisto75666

            One of Putin’s gifts.

  • Jonny On Maui

    The wall will stop the drugs.

    Yeah. How far underground does that wall extend? Has the crazy one not been told tunnels transport the contraband? What a maroon!

    • And also oceans! Drugs arrive in boats, too. And on airplanes!

      • NastyBossetti

        And some of them are made/grown right here in the USA. Maybe he’s just trying to save American jobs!

        • clairence

          millions of jobs. Buy American, remember?
          Oh, and then more jobs with additional law enforcement to deal with the drug problem.
          so much winning…

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Let’s see how many drugs get through when every runway has a wall across the middle.

      • Mike Steele

        Boats don’t count; homeland security decimated budget for US Coast Guard.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      So they’re going to be Big Pharma, their enabling doctors, and all the opioids on one side of the wall, and we’re on the other side?

      • Invidosa

        No no, you’re missing the big picture. This is to make America’s drug seekers great again. To stimulate job growth in the illegal opioids market in ‘merica. We need to stop shipping our oxycodone procurement jobs out of the country and instead provide opportunity for our OWN motivated young entrepreneurs and doctors. . . Bigly. . . Or something

    • WotsAllThisThen

      O noes! Trump’s wall is blocking up my bong!

  • fawkedifiknow

    I wish there was a way to tax Trump supporters, and Trump supporters only, for his fucking wall.

    • Jennifer Nicole

      Taxes on MAGA and KKK merchandise?

  • William
  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Can you make the dick joke in the White House go away?

  • clairence

    Meanwhile, US State Dept is advertising Trump property in the UK. Without mentioning it’s a Trump property.
    https://uk.usembassy.gov/mar-lago-winter-white-house/

    (psst. pass it on…)

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I love the implication it leaves one with that it’s owned by the U.S. Government.

    • Sophia

      Holy fuck, From the same site, the biography of Donald J Trump.

      Mr. Trump won the election on November 8 of 2016 in the largest electoral college landslide for a Republican in 28 years. He won over 2,600 counties nationwide, the most since President Reagan in 1984. Additionally, he won over 62 million votes in the popular vote, the highest all-time for a Republican nominee. He also won 306 electoral votes, the most for a Republican since George H.W. Bush in 1988. Millions of Americans rallied behind his message of rebuilding our country and disrupting the status quo—this was a truly national victory and a historic movement.

      • clairence

        When I read shit like that, I always hear Mohammed Ali crowing, “I AM The Greatest!”

    • Marsupial99

      What am I missing here: The Trumps have buildings, hotels, & mixed-use complexes all over the place, some of which, like Mar-a-lago, are being used for official federal business, requiring the use of shit-tons of government resources, man-hours, and of course, money. Money from taxes, paid by all of us (presumably). So, how are these properties not being designated as some sort of quasi-public governmental facilities? We’re paying for this — how is this not, to some degree, public property? (Yes, I would love to see his core voters invading the facilities at his clubs — like in Caddyshack.)

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Dooooodiiieeeee!!!

    • Manders

      GEEEEZUS.

      EVEN IF the lady Post intended Mar-a-Lago to be used as a winter White House, I’m pretty sure she did not intend that citizens should have to pay $200,000 a year to hang out there, all to benefit one President* who will then go back to using it as a private building once he leaves office.

  • BrendaKay

    Yeah…I’m not going to read that interview, I couldn’t even read the clips. I’ll just stay here at Wonkette where there is respect for reality.

    • nightmoth

      I read one paragraph and thought, “How did he even get through high school?”

      • Marsupial99

        Rich parents.

        • artem1s

          it’s frightening to imagine that there could be anyone more horrible, venal, narcissistic, and disgusting than that pig of a man. but he wasn’t created in a vacuum. talk about a marriage made in hell.

    • Invidosa

      Agreed. I don’t need ANOTHER anyrism

  • geoffalnutt

    More like 83,000.

  • chortlingdingo

    I managed to read three of those transcriptions, but that’s my limit. The way he speaks is just so awful.

    • Invidosa

      I swear he puts a dictionary in the blender daily

      • chortlingdingo

        And it’s like he gets stuck on a single thought, so he just repeats it over and over, occasionally changing the word order.

        • Invidosa

          Just remember it’s not truely meant for our kind. Trumpenstiltskin is the dumbass whisperer

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          Symptoms of dementia, perhaps?

          • Al Swearengen

            Or it’s some “Junior Salesmaggot Handbook” Trump read back in the 60s that said “Always use strong adjectives like ‘terrific’ and repetition is your key to making sales!”

          • Invidosa

            My dementia patients are literally more cogent

        • chicken thief

          It fucking drives me nuts when people to that! It drives me nuts. Literally. When people just repeat their thought, it drives me, literally, fucking nuts. Nuts. Literally. I want to tell them “stop repeating yourself, you’re driving me fucking nuts!” But do they listen? No.

          • Gregory Brown

            That drives me nuts.

  • Rickyphoo

    Just this afternoon I watched a program on Smithsonian Network that dealt with the possibility of “Parallel Universes” and moving in between them. I am beginning to think that this could be the explanation as to how I ended up in the universe run by stupid. Everything was normal, we were going to elect the first female president of the US and life was going to move in a forward direction. Then bang! We sudden found ourselves in bizarro land where a lying, racist, egotistical psychopath gets elected.

    What I want to know is how do I get back to the real universe?

    • Invidosa

      You mean. . . A universe where one must have two living brains cells to rub together in order to be in charge of the Free world? What is this magical fairy land of which you speak?

    • laineypc

      We’re the experimental group. The world where Hillary won is the control group. (Stealing from March for Science idea). Thanks a lot, god. Hope you enjoy your little experiment.

    • OppressedMass

      My exact thought when I woke up last Nov 9: OMG I’m in a parallel universe! How do I get back??!

  • chortlingdingo

    Also, can someone please tell him that the U.S. government is not a company? The government should absolutely NOT be run to make a profit.

    • Invidosa

      I tried telling orange McCreepyhands that you can’t fire constituents. . . . He just threw him self on the floor, started screaming “but I wanna!!” And shit his pants. Emperor bannon had to put the little booger to bed

      • chicken thief

        “And shit his pants.”

        Christ-o-Mighty, that’s the third time today!!!

        • Invidosa

          Oh, so that accounts for the newest line in the budget. We now spend more on adult diapers for little Donnie poo-pants then we do on education. My goodness!! Someone cut back on the little fuckers’ dietary fiber intake!! Else we won’t be able to buy any more boom booms!!

  • Poly_Ester

    Shorter version – In a recent interview President Trump said, “(inaudible), (unintelligible) (incoherent) (self-contradictory), and (unintelligible) over and over and over again.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Okay, this is the third time I’ve posted this sign from the Science March. It’s just so apropos. I will stop now. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2fb7d185d1e58cfa1e2102d882d46c543243149bba23b656639e0a49a6f36720.jpg .

  • azeyote

    he could stop a lot more than 1% of drugs coming up from the border by legalizing marijuana – and forget that obscene wall that will never be built in the middle of the rio grande –

  • chicken thief

    To quote a True American Patriot, President Donald J Trump, if comments were allowed I’d say *undecipherable* and *undecipherable*!

  • Internet Hitler

    Saw one story that i can’t find again (because google news) that was surprised Trump was watching less television. But that’s not what he said. He said he was not watching TV that is critical toward him. In effect, he forgot when taking office to surround himself with yes-TV. He’s probably watching even more FoxNewts. Or still watching CNN because he lies.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      NewsMax, the HD version of Faux News, designed to scare the oldz that can’t afford cable. Even more insidious. And the owner is of course a Friend of Donald.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Look, I try not to be a drama queen, but … OK, that’s a lie, but comparing his ratings to the ratings for coverage of the 9/11 attacks is shocking and revolting and offensive. It’s like the Beatles claiming they were bigger than Jesus, except for how they were big and Jesus is imaginary.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      The blowback from that one simple comment from notoriously wiseass John Lennon is amazing to watch in the documentaries.

      • cmd resistor

        It certainly turned my parents against those heathens.

      • britishvoiceman

        The ridiculous thing is that Lennon was merely stating a simple fact – that, at the time, they were more popular than Christianity.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      I bet they were big in Japan though.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    What the fuck did i just read? I heard people including Keith Obermann claim that Trump is insane or senile. Reading that interview made me wonder if they are right. Trump sounds like a crazy person or not all there mentally. Did anyone understand what the fuck he is saying. Its terrifiying that the President might be completely insane or is senile. I have to go sit in a corner and cowering in terror.

    • Jesse

      This is his MO. He just word-BM’s his way through interviews and then watches fox where they tell him it went great. Welcome to the idiocracy.

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    I’ve heard more lucid thoughts down at the nursing home from Al or Gus between spoonfuls of hand fed pudding.

    • He’s old enough for the home…

  • YayConspiracy

    Bow your head to the wit and wisdom of President Trump (bow it in shame if you stayed home on November 8th).

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    This seems to go (much) further that his usual obvious incoherence, incompetence and childishness. I think he is showing signs of senility. I have thought that since he became a candidate, and he has done nothing to change that impression. At some level, the Congressional GOP must see that as well. That they wish/pretend not to see it does not speak so well of them. Now the push for tax cuts because “deficits don’t matter” and they are willing to believe it.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      They wish/pretend to not see it because they think that everything about Trump plays into their hands.

      Meanwhile, they are playing into Putin’s hands.

      • Pierre_de_Fermat

        I think they want to believe that about Trump. WRT Putin, I’ll assume it give him a good laugh.

    • Gregory Brown

      I’m pretty sure we’re seeing the onset of dementia. When you couple that with a complete, lifelong disregard for objective facts, it becomes a presidential loonapalooza.

    • If you compare his speeches from a year or two ago to now, it looks a hell of a lot like cognitive decline (disclaimer: not a doctor). It’s not like he was ever a genius, but he’s getting less organized and less coherent.

  • natoslug

    Reality is not his native tongue.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And his second language is frivolous lawsuits.

      And his third language is pussy-grabbing.

      Lucky thing that Twitter came along at the right moment. Well, not for anyone else but….

      • Gregory Brown

        Our president is multilingual !!

  • chimpevil

    Really, Evan, you could have typed (unintelligible) instead of the actual quotes and your article would have been just as enlightening.

  • Scooby

    Strange, but to his supporters this all makes perfect sense.

  • buzz

    Tried reading the interview and couldn’t understand but then I thought about it more and
    now I understand. He was channeling Ginsberg or​ Burroughs or may be even Beckett. ​
    ​Think about it, the stream of consciousness, imagine people snapping their fingers to the beat. It works, because I can’t deal with the reality that this man is a finger away from nukes.
    All right, truthfully he lacks the intelligence and wit but seriously, I’ve worked with dementia patients and they were more coherent.

  • Everrett Fanuelli
    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      After seeing that, I’m not going to sleep well tonight.

  • Lefty Wright

    The interview was handled by Julie Pace with the AP. My thoughts on what she was thinking when he offered her a Coke or something was several double shots of bourbon so she wouldn’t scream out “you are lying”. Except she was afraid if Trump thought she was drunk, he would try to grab her pussy.

    • Jennifer Nicole

      Hell, she probably refused the drink because he could put something in it.

  • BosGrl

    They have hamlets in Syria? Does he think Syrians live in gingerbread houses and wear Tyrolean hats?

    • Eo Raptor

      And they play that real long horn thingy that has a sore throat. Or something.

  • Panika MCD

    your dropped punctuation is amazing, Evan. I’m not even mad that you’re missing it because I love a double meaning.

    at the end of the 9/11 pissing contest you could have said:

    …before we say, “screw it.”

    or

    …before we, say, screw it.

    which is hilarious. what you’re going to screw? I don’t fuckin’ know. certainly not the report or 9/11 or a pissing contest…maybe Chris Wallace? sure. Chris Wallace is the “it” here.

    I’m very happy about this. this is not critical. I just want to have others in on the funny.

  • Panika MCD

    a) with all the inaudibles in there, are we sure he didn’t offer AP a line of coke?

    b) the missiles thing combined with the government agencies effect a lot of lives thing both make me think: he likes to watch people die. by the by, about 15 people died from the missile strike. more are going to die with him trying to slash the budget like he is.

    c) yeah, it’s amazing how negative things get when you’re on the nightly news shows spouting bullshit than when you’re just shooting the shit on the bus with Billy. did he think everything was ET?

    d) wonder where all those drugs he did at Studio 54 came from. nope, never had a drug problem in the 70s. never could think of it in the 70s because drugs weren’t invented until Obama.

    e) or the Russians hacked the DNC because they didn’t see Tsarina Short Fingers as a threat and that’s why Wiki-Dicks published things from the DNC. OR (whoa if true!) they hacked both to create chaos if Tsarina Tsarina did not become the nominee and were going to sow seeds of chaos for both until Tsarina Tic Tacs got the nomination at which point–they just held onto the RNC stuff for their kompromat.

    f) maybe we could make nice dick jokes at him?

    • Eo Raptor

      Actually, seems I heard the FBI say both parties were hacked, but somehow, only the DNC documents ended up at WikiDick (I just stole that from somewhere downthread).

  • bluicebank

    Donnie: “Do you want a Coke or anything?

    AP: “I’m OK, thank you. No. …”

    I just had an ex-journo-gasm. God bless you, Associated Press, and your manual, and may the ink never leave your alcohol soaked veins.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Flashing back to the immortal words of Judge Smails, “How about a Fresca?”

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Do I want a Coke?

    I’m a Dapper Dan man, Goddammit!

  • mailman27

    Good God. How can anybody support this guy with a straight face? He’s a fucking imbecile.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      40% approve of the imbecile.

    • John Moore

      We are a nation of imbeciles.

    • freakishlypersistent

      (R).

    • Ducksworthy

      Easy if you’ve been conditioned to hate America.

  • jaspersdad

    So the US just ignores NAFTA and WTO rulings and slaps a 24% duty on softwood from Canada.

    http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/wilbur-ross-softwood-tarrif-1.4083968

  • mailman27

    “hamlet” Jesus.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Too bigly,
      Or not too bigly…

      • Eo Raptor

        That’s a question?

        • John Moore

          He lies about having an outrageous fortune.

  • Phoenixdoglover

    People: He’s a blithering idiot!

    GOP: Yeah, but he’s OUR blithering idiot.

  • persistently_resistant_gayby

    Fuck people who read and enunciate clearly, said the American voter.

    • Eo Raptor

      Sing it brother!

    • From Russia with Love

      Elitists!

    • J M Mtz

      Don’t insult the majority of the poulace that voted for Hillary.

  • freakishlypersistent

    Thank you, Republicans, and Russians!? for ratfucking this mentally ill, stunted, mean spirited, braggart in to the WH. Yeah, I know, I know, he’s your “bases” ID. I thought I’d never forgive you for fucking Mitch fucking McConnell, but Drumpf is the cherry on top.

    • Ducksworthy

      Given how long its going to take to build Trumps Folly the Bad Hombres will have 300 years to walk around it, by which time the older parts will have completely collapsed due to defective materials.

  • pixeloid

    “The wall will stop the drugs.”

    There’s no way that the bad hombres who have smuggling boats, submarines, planes, trucks, and tunnels could get packages past a 30 foot wall. Bigly un-possible!

    • Chris Mattson

      Why wouldn’t a drone get the job done?

      • pixeloid

        Why bother? Small packages can simply be thrown over the wall. For larger stuff a catapult could be used (easily built from junk). If that’s still too high tech, they could just throw a rope over the wall and pull stuff over the top.

    • Chuck

      Or slingshots,industrial sized ones ATTACHED TO THE WALL.

  • Mark Bloom

    This;
    ‘TRUMP: A lot of the people have said that, some people said it was the single best speech ever made in that chamber.’
    This;
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhtuMrMVJDk

  • So you have to have a certain flexibility, Number One. Number Two, from the time I took office till now, you know, it’s a very exact thing. It’s not like generalities. Do you want a Coke or anything?
    https://media0.giphy.com/media/3o6ZtqG5RgfbmuyRbO/giphy.gif#0

    • ken schankler

      Actually dear Orangina sir, I prefer Pepsi with Jack Daniels – a lot of Jack Daniels.

      • mfp

        why would you ruin perfectly good jack daniels with pepsi or coke?

        • ken schankler

          Actually you would be making the Pepsi more tasty

          • mfp

            chez mfp, we make Ice more tasty with JD…pepsi, enhhh…for the kids

    • Ducksworthy

      A number 3 is the department of energy. But you knew that right Rick?

  • BFD

    When we finally boot his sorry ass out of his current job, he will have a bright future in stand-up comedy. Nobody on earth talks like this guy.

    • britishvoiceman

      I think you’ve just insulted every stand-up comedian, past and present.

  • quantum mechanic

    Staggering on so many levels.

  • Zyxomma

    No, thanks. If I’m going to watch a Republican being an asshole (but I repeat myself), I’d rather see Clint Eastwood talk to an empty chair.

  • William

    Seriously what the F is wrong with this idiot? https://www.facebook.com/NowThisPolitics/videos/1535300526501432/

  • Morningside

    I got more and more nauseated as I read this. I’m not even kidding. The world is in deep shit.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      I read it in direct contrast to the talk Bamz gave the other day, and was sickened.

  • tehbaddr

    Unbelievable the level of incoherence!

    • Ducksworthy

      Unintelligible also.

  • Cincy Jim Knecht

    Trump is already our greatest President ever and will be even better when he declares martial law and has all the communist socialist liberals exterminated. Praise Jesus!

    • wavicles

      Wipe out the records;
      Great Clump’s always’ been our leader. Great Clump will always be there for us.

  • ralphteb

    Can we now put the phase American exceptionalism to bed once and for all , or does the Donald prove it in the most twisted way ever

  • Ducksworthy

    At least I now know why I thought this idiot ordered 79 missiles to Iraq. I wonder how many times Mattis had to correct him.

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