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enema face

We’ve all been wondering the past couple days, since Rep. Jason Chaffetz’s extremely sudden announcement that he won’t seek re-election to the House in 2018, and then his further clarification that he might resign real soon, if there was some big escandalo! about to drop. Has he been playing genital games with a male or female intern? Do the Russians have some sort of kompromat on him, maybe a video of him playing genital games with a male or female intern? WTF IS IT JASON, WE KNOW YOU’RE DIRTY, WE JUST DON’T KNOW HOW.

Jake Sherman of Politico did an interview with Chaffetz on Thursday, wherein the congressman explained that HE is not dirty, and YOU are dirty for even suggesting that. And how can he assure us he’s not dirty? Because of all the enemas he gets from literally everybody. Yes, all the haters are always throwing Chaffetz’s legs in the air and shooting rivers up his fanny, and if there was a real scandal up inside there, it surely would have fallen out, at the end of one of the enemas.

LOOK, WE KNOW THIS IS GROSS, BUT IT IS WONKETTE’S JOURNALISM RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE THESE SORTS OF JOKES WHEN AN ELECTED OFFICIAL SAYS THINGS LIKE THIS:

Asked if he is resigning because of a yet-to-be revealed scandal, Chaffetz said, “Absolutely, positively not.

“Not in any way shape or form,” he said. “I’ve been given more enemas by more people over the last eight years than you can possibly imagine.

Braggart.

From the Secret Service to the Democratic Party.

Really? The whole Secret Service gave Jason Chaffetz an enema? We knew a lot of them were weirdo creeps, but we didn’t know they’d rush out to buy all the Fleet enemas at their local Walgreens, just because the chair of the House Oversight Committee had a thirsty butt.

Anyway, his point is:

I am who I am. If they had something really scandalous, it would’ve come out a long, long time ago.”

With his poo.

Wait, holy shit (LOLOL literally) … is the kompromat video the Russians may or may not have on Chaffetz an ENEMA VIDEO? For his sake, we hope the Russians don’t leak that, haha we said “leak,” we are twelve years old until this post is over.

Regarding the Secret Service, he’s talking about that time agents leaked stuff on him (SAID IT AGAIN!) during the Obama administration. (His rejected job application for the Secret Service somehow ended up in the Daily Beast!) He likes to say NOBODY was punished for that, ever, which is a lie because Obama’s Department of Homeland Security investigated it and 41 Secret Service agents were punished.

We have no idea what he’s talking about when he says Democrats do enemas to him, we are guessing “investigated him 11 times in four years or something,” probably. But hey, that sure does bring new meaning to reaching around the aisle, if it’s true!

Anyway.

As for his future plans (ASSUMING THEY DON’T INCLUDE JAIL), and regarding the rumors that maybe Fox News is interesting in putting his Play-Doh-lookin’ fuck face on TV, he says he’d love to find a “television relationship,” but he’s still not ruling out running for Utah governor in 2020. He just doesn’t know!

“I don’t know exactly where these winds are going to take me,” he said.

These ENEMA WINDS?

OK, we’ll stop.

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  • Anna Elizabeth

    In all SRSNS – enemas are a useful part of Safer-sex practices for those that enjoy anal intercourse.

    But, that was a really odd thing to say on Chafed Ass’s part. XD I predict a gushing of Memes to follow.

    • Jennifer R

      Maybe there really IS a gay lover!

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Jason Chaffetz, Power Bottom.

        • Jennifer R

          I can’t unsee it.

          • The Wanderer

            “Harder! Harder!”
            “Jason! I’ve got both hands in you to my elbows!”
            “There’s still room, dammit!”

          • Elvis Causticfellow

            Don’t make me hate you.

            Wait– too late.

          • The Wanderer

            (giggles)

          • Jennifer R

            Well Happiness IS being elbows deep in a warm chest cavity.

  • Nounverb911
    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      Well that was the most boring five facts about anybody. You need to take her out more.

      • Elvis Causticfellow

        OMG THEY GOT MARRIED IN 1991! How have we lived without knowing this?

      • Elvis Causticfellow

        She’s fairly cute. I realize that is belittling and diminishing in a sexist manner, but it’s a more consequential “fact” than their top 5.

    • PubOption

      Only three kids? Not good Mormons.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Wow. His wife looks so…normal.

  • Chadwells

    No idea how there is positive spin to his potential premature departure? Either he is in trouble…or he is pulling a Palin on his constituents. Does he understand this…of course not because he’s a rat faced weasel fuck.

  • Jenny

    New band name: Jenny and the Thirsty Butts.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      LOL Your first release: “Gushing!”

  • Nounverb911
    • laughingnome

      An affair with a Russian money laundress.

  • Chadwells

    Far as I’ve ever known…quitting before your term is fulfilled (sans a valid catastrophic emergency)…is a bad thing. No?

    • Contemplative Ron

      Not at all!
      – Caribou Barbie

  • “I’ve been given more enemas by more people over the last eight years than you can possibly imagine.

    Politics is a pretty shitty occupation, a waste of your talents.

    • Lily412

      I’m sure he’d say he’s just doing his duty.

  • Nounverb911
    • Anna Elizabeth

      Ya’ think? XD

  • anon_the_great

    My Pee Porn joke from yesterday seems luke warm now.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    “I’m not only the President of Enemas by Mail, I’m their biggest client!”

    ~I’m Jason Chaffetz, and I approved his message.

  • Crystalclear12

    You won’t stop. Wonkette never stops.
    That’s why we love you.

  • Bill D. Burger

    “With friends like Jason, you don’t need enemas.”
    ___ The United States

  • Nounverb911
    • schmannity

      The cup runneth over in the Trump Administration.

  • LesBontemps

    Chaffetz: “I’m banking off of the northeast winds, sailing on a summer breeze.”

    I’m going with a theme, here.

    • Bill D. Burger

      ♪♪”And skipping over the ocean like a stone

      Wah, wah wah-wah wah
      Wah-wah wah-wah, wah wah-wah
      Wahhh”♪♪

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Idiots!……libel….

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    Enema Winds
    Performed by Mr. Mister
    Lyrics by Scatman McScatty

    Baby I don’t know the what
    Why we can’t just put it in
    To each others butt
    This time will be the last
    I fear unless I make it all so clear
    I need you so

    Take these enema winds
    And learn to purge again
    And learn to live so free
    And when we hear the voices sing
    The cavities of love will open up
    And let us in

    Baby I think it’s clear
    That santorum is wrong
    Let’s clean your rear
    I need you so
    Baby it’s all I know
    That you’re half of the flesh
    And blood makes me whole
    I need you so

    Take these enema winds
    And learn to purge again
    And learn to live so free
    And when we hear the voices sing
    The cavities of love will open up
    And let us in

  • Crystalclear12

    The more denial the worse it is.

  • Treg Brown

    Some guys get erections when they get enemas, bringing up all that homophobic/anal pleasure confusion.

    It’d be a shame if that would got captured on video, right comrade?

  • Koch Blockula

    I am going to be nice and give him props for saying “Democratic Party” instead of “Democrat Party.”

    That said, sounds like there’s a party going on in his colon.

    • Zatara’s personal stalker

      I hope I am invited ;)

  • Mpeg

    Jason Chaffetz, keepin’ the *meh* in enemeh~

  • Michael Smith

    Wow that’s a really strange thing to say.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Enema Winds is my new….ah, fuck it. Never mind.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Enema Forces.
      Aiding the Enema.
      “Enema Mine”, the movie.
      A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an Enema
      Keep your friends close and your Enemas closer.

    • Ωbjectifier

      Frank Sinatra mash up?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Hardcore bluegrass.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Tonight Only: Earl Scruggs Revue, First Cousins, and Enema Winds!

    • Koch Blockula

      “Enema Variations” is one of my favorite Edward Elgar compositions.

    • Randy Riddle

      I thought “The Enema Winds” was a Dylan song.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        It should be.

      • Michael Smith

        Eeeennnema Winds..
        Blowing everytime you move your mouth,
        Blowing down the backroads, headin’ south

        Yeah, it kinda works

        • Randy Riddle

          Chuckling in my office cubicle.

      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        (Throwing this back to the Wonkagenda thread…)

        Nope, it was Enya. But it’s an easy mistake to make.

  • memzilla Ω

    Maybe he’s resigning so he can rake in all teh munniez from being a butt-loofah model? (That poodle-scrotum head). It would be irrespeculum not to sponsulate.

  • Michael Smith
    • Ωbjectifier
    • Chadwells

      She is crazy as a shithouse rat. I was stuck on a boat with her for 20 hours. Holy shit. Gave me flashbacks.

      • Michael Smith

        With the woman from the album cover?? Haha how did that happen?

        • Chadwells

          Yeah…Janine. We were shooting the pontoon boat/shark cage episode of Monster Garage and Jesse brought her. She’s unhinged, sadly.

          • Michael Smith

            So I’m gathering. Damn. Well I’ll always have my junior high memories I guess.

          • Chadwells

            LOL! She was an OG Vivid girl for sure! I used to be way into her…but that shit ruined it!

    • wait! what?

      Jesse James’ ex didn’t fare well after doing the “Enema of the State” album. Apparently, she also really likes tattoos.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1a9f355877cf9289b675a7be76428bdd83f77f397193b94b40ffaa1667c5700b.jpg

      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        I bet she has “No Regerts” somewhere on her.

        • wait! what?

          She lost her custody battle; so, probably, also “No Rugrats.”

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    I didn’t realize weasels received enemas.

  • tihond

    He was massaging his colon!

  • OrG

    Come on jason, let your freak flag fly. I promise you’ll feel better.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    and here again, with someone as packed full o’ shit as Chaffetz, one enema would have left him a hollow sack of skin.

  • chazmanr

    Jason has really flushed his career. Now he is just the butt of jokes at snarky mommyblogs.

  • Spurning Beer

    And all this time I’d been calling Chaffetz a douche bag.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Maybe he’s resigning to become the new spokesman for Fleet “Smooth Flow” enemas: “because when you’re as full of shit as I am, you need a smooth flow”

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Clean as a whistle and ready for his prison fellowmates…

  • schmannity
    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      TV relationship? Is that what the kids are calling it?

      • schmannity

        TV “relationships” got O’Reilly fired.

    • The Wanderer

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcAzR2QyPCI
      Jim, Bachelor Number One is an arms dealer who masturbates regularly to photos of Judd Hirsch and Nipsey Russell. His life’s ambition is to recreate the Brady Bunch opening in toothpaste, and he’s a lifetime member of the Sandi Patti fanclub!
      Bachelor Number Two runs a hate group that’s put out contract killings on Jo Anne Worley and Snuffleupagus. His hobbies include long romantic strolls on sheets of fiberglass insulation, injecting heroin into his penis, and collecting Precious Moments figurines!
      Bachelor Number Three is a paranoid schizophrenic algae farmer and coffee enthusiast, whose hobbies include contracting lice, giving names to all of the toilets in public restrooms, and playing the bagpipes while blindfolded.

      • schmannity

        Interesting to hear about the also rans in the recent Georgia congressional election.

        • The Wanderer

          Bachelor #2 could get about 10% of the vote.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Needz moar enema!…

        • The Wanderer

          A veritable tidal wave!

      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        Wait, naming the urinals is weird now? Well, shit….

        • The Wanderer

          Naming the toilets is still okay.

  • NastyBossetti

    Whistles are full of gym teacher spit…

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    It doesn’t seem humanly possible that the GOP could come up with an even more craven, skeezy, sanctimonious douchebag to replace Chaffetz, but I’m sure they will.

    • JohnBull

      Western Iowa’s been electing someone far worse for years now. At least Chaffetz doesn’t pretend his one regret in life is that he wasn’t born into Hitler’s Germany.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I’m guessing you’re not making this up just to be snarky here. Egads!

      • OrG

        Not in public anyway.

    • OrG

      Count on it. There is no bottom for these creeps.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I thought they were all bottoms.

    • Stulexington

      Although the latest trend of taking rich folks seems to be ‘skip the middleman, just vote for your rich overlords.’

  • Mike

    Someone should tell Jason you haven’t had an enema until you’ve had a Comey enema…
    An ex-staffer admitted last night Jason and his staff are under FBI investigation for money laundering…
    http://www.palmerreport.com/politics/report-former-staffer-confirms-jason-chaffetz-is-under-fbi-investigation/2375/

    • The Wanderer

      Watersports, nothing but watersports everywhere.

      • Stulexington

        That’s why they had to wash all the money later.

    • theblackdog

      Ehhhhhhhh I’m very hesitant to trust Palmer Report because it tends to lean towards sensationalistic and possibly untrue stories.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Just how reliable is Bill Palmer. I notice all the most sensational Russia scandal related stories are coming from him and no one else.

      • Mike

        Like everything in this world you have to decide for yourself, even when a story is right on…was it exactly what they said or did they come up with some facts to fit a narrative…?
        I’m been following Bill for 4 months, along with the Twitter feeds of Louise Mensch, Claude Taylor, XX Committee, and a few others you’ll discover along the way. They have been surprisingly on target not due to good insight or guessing but from very reliable IC sources.
        The thing I like about Palmer is that he tells you right in the article the source, even if it’s a Twitter feed fronting for a known IC leaker. You can make your own mind up about how much validity you want to give it without being pressured by the author. Here’s a link to an article the other day about 5 or six things Palmer was days/weeks ahead of the MSM on and all panned out to being 100% true. (by that I mean the MSM finally picked them up or sourced the story from their own people and then went to print.)
        Just read this one link, check the dates of his posted stories against the MSM timeline, and you’ll see what I mean. Then cruise the site.
        http://www.palmerreport.com/politics/heres-a-partial-list-of-the-times-palmer-report-was-early-to-a-story-and-subsequently-vindicated/2358/
        Have fun…

  • Sedagive ’em Hell

    With fiends like that, who needs enemas?

    As a non-commenter on Wonkette I take my journalistic responsibilities seriously.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Somebody had to say it. Props!

    • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!

      (sung to the tune of Van Halen’s “Panama”)

      Enema!

      • From Russia with Love

        Yeah, we’re runnin’ a little bit hot tonight.
        I can barely see the enema from the heat comin’ off of it.
        Ah, you reach down, between my legs, ease the seat back…

      • Lamashtar

        De doo be doo doo
        Enema
        Doo do-do do
        Enema

  • onedollarjuana

    Don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but Chaffetz kind of looks like a lemur.

  • Koch Blockula

    This story reminds me of a story I heard many years ago about a Mormon lady with a bunch of kids. She didn’t drink coffee, natch, but would go upstairs and give herself coffee enemas every morning.. She claimed it helped to cope with all the kids.

    Could this have been Jason’s mama? It would be wrong not to speculate…

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist
    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Take it back! MY EYES!!!!!…..

    • Ricky Gay

      Well that didn’t take long!

      • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

        It was a quickie!

    • stankbait

      Rusty trombone lips!

    • Bill D. Burger

      Obviously those lips were pried right off Trump’s big ol orange/brown azz’!

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Jason Chaffetz is leaving office to sell enemas? That’s what I just heard, on the Internet!

    He’s like the Shamwow guy of ass cleaning products.

    • Ricky Gay

      Migrating to Fleet Street

  • Bill D. Burger

    Don’t miss the upcoming horror flick: “Enema of the People: Know Your Enema”
    Starring: Jason Chaffetz
    At a theater near you.

  • Contemplative Ron

    What, no ‘santorum’ jokes? You’re slipping, Wonkette!

    • The Wanderer

      Slipping on all that santorum.

    • OrG

      If you use an enema there won’t be any santorum.

  • Nounverb911
    • tihond

      Is that even a liability at this point?

      • tihond

        There was that weird tweet he made about his wife yesterday.

    • Edith Prickly

      That’s it? Yawn.

    • Mary Sandoras

      Meh, I’m disappointed. I was hoping for something more scandalous.

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      Assuming he’s treating women like shit, then Faux News definitely has a slot that needs filled.

    • not_vh

      were emails involved? atleast texts?

      • TundraGrifter

        “Do right and fear no man.
        “Don’t write and fear no woman.”
        ~ Sir Thomas Dewar

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Oh, pleeeeassse!…..Chaffetzi!!!…

    • laughingnome

      He fell in love with his enema nurse.

      • MizzMazz

        “I fell in love with an enema nurse. I’ll be so happy the rest of my life with my enema nurse. I get a stiffie, she sits on my lap, I give her herpes and she gives me the clap, she’s my enema nurse!”

        Apologies to Neil Young.

        • Meccalopolis

          More barn

    • weejee
  • If it has something to do with inappropriate emails, I may die laughing.

  • Ricky Gay

    As a Joker once said, “This town needs an enema!”

  • Contemplative Ron

    I have to think that a reference to enemas was not so much a Freudian slip as it was a Freudian pratfall.

  • The Wanderer

    The Secret Service? Seriously?
    “Who goes there? Friend or enema?”

  • coozledad

    You’re not supposed to put the tube in your mouth, Jason.

    • From Russia with Love

      Until after you’ve used it.

    • OrG

      Which end?

    • Mavenmaven

      We’d have all been better off if he had.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    “It [misleading fraudulent graph actually created by an anti-abortion group] comes straight from your annual reports.”, Chaffetz exclaimed.

    Moments later, Richards shot back: “My lawyers just informed me that the source of this information is Americans United for Life, an anti-abortion group. I would check your source.”

    Experts weigh in:

    “That graphic is a damn lie,” said Alberto Cairo, who researches visual communication at the University of Miami. “Regardless of whatever people think of this issue, this distortion is ethically wrong.”

  • laughingnome

    Wonkette used to be about dick jokes until pervs like Chaffetz and Trump. Now it’s all yellow and brown all the way down.

    • puredog

      IKR? An erosion of standards. Sad. Weak.

  • Ωbjectifier

    Keep your friends close.
    And your enemas closer.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Shanzgood

      Nooooooo!

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Going up!…

    • DrBigHead

      Oh my god, that is magnificent! This is better than the giant nose at the Phoenix Science Museum that sneezes nerf snot at you.

  • TundraGrifter

    The enema of my enema is my friend.

  • Randy Riddle

    ““I’ve been given more enemas by more people over the last eight years than you can possibly imagine.”

    I have several kinky gay male friends that could say exactly the same thing.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    That Jason fellow…a riddle wrapped in an enema…

    • not_vh

      hahahaha.

    • weejee

      Bag him!

  • not_vh
  • Mavenmaven

    Will he be taken by this wind?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7V406XfAaI

  • arglebargle

    If you had given him an enema he could have been buried in a match box.

    Christopher Hitchens on the death of Jerry Fallwell

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=52yTqMcwuQE

    • MizzMazz

      For all his faults, I really miss Christopher Hitchens. He could turn a phrase like no one else.

      • arglebargle

        Yep. I didn’t agree with him on the Iraq war and his views on Islam, but his arguments against religion in general were spot on, and no one could come close to holding their own against him in a debate.

  • weejee

    Mike Kenyon libel.

    / any other olde Illinois alums?

    • Mary Sandoras

      That’s just so disturbing.

  • Jack Rogue Tenhet
  • Lance Thrustwell

    I want ‘Enema Winds’ to be the first single off my band’s new album – ‘Strident Ennui’ by Mormon Orgy.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    “Hi there folks, I’m Jason Chaffetz.

    I’m sure all of us have been in this situation: 3:20 AM at the Truck stop, you spy a handsome stranger, but you’re out of Disposable Enema kits. Now, I’m here to show you how with just an ordinary Garden hose, 10 packets of Iodized Salt from the lunch counter, and a bottle of Gatorade, you too can be Ready For Love.”

    • Jennifer R

      Between the sodium in the gatorade and the salt packets that sounds like a lot of salt in the ass.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        “Remember, buy a Gatorade off of the rack, *not* the cooler! Brrrr! I wont make that mistake twice!”

        • Jennifer R

          Brisk!

  • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

    Slightly OT: When my daughter was around 4 years old she observed that it doesn’t make sense to say that something is as clean as a whistle because whistles are full of spit. I haven’t used that phrase since then.

    That is all.

  • arglebargle

    Perhaps this signals a return of the Fartknocker report?

  • Chadwells

    OT: And why the fuck should anyone care about your “confidence?!” WTF do you have to do with it, asshole Beavis McMethface?

    “Conway ‘confident’ there will be no government shutdown”

    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/04/21/government-shutdown-kellyanne-conway-237452

    • tbh, if it keeps going as is, I doubt there will be one too.
      Because the white house will cave, each and every time, apparently.
      Such deals!

      • Chadwells

        Whether it happens or not…no idea why she thinks anyone gives a flying fuck about her “confidence!!”

        I just can’t stand that woman at all.

        • Agreed. she….goes out of her way to make professional women look bad.

    • puredog

      Oh well THAT sets my fucking mind at rest.

  • Scooby

    Maybe he’s going to become mayor of Salt Lake Shitty.

    • The Wanderer

      Salt Lake Shitty? Utah enema porn?

      • Scooby

        Hey! Who left the stained magic underwear in the dryer again?

        • The Wanderer

          The skidmark looks like the Angel Moroni!

  • Zatara’s personal stalker

    Can we just give him a rapper name?
    Like, Eneminem.

    • Flusher?

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Wash-out?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Grandmaster Flush.

      • Zatara’s personal stalker

        Kan-drip Longmar

      • Mpeg

        “Who Let The Clogs Out”?

        [I’ll leave now.]

      • eggsacklywright

        MC WC.

    • arglebargle

      Turd Nugget?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Flow-rida?

    • laughingnome

      Analese

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Lil Ween?

    • Koch Blockula

      Biggie Dump?

    • OrG

      Ass-T

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Toopacked?

      • Elvis Causticfellow

        I want to say “OK, shut this one down now,” but that would rob my opportunity to think of more humorous jokes.

        • laughingnome

          Best thread in a while

        • aureolaborealis

          I love humorous jokes.

      • data_ninja

        I’d like to give an alternate follow up to that:
        Number Two-pac

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Sluice Dogg..

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Stoolly D?

    • laughingnome

      Too live poo

      • grindstone

        Somehow, that was the one that actually made me snort-laugh.

    • Spurning Beer

      Public Enema. Duh.

      • Another Win

      • Indivisible Snark Tank
        • Rebekahhmurphy

          Managing director of Google!, is explaining to users to start off “Work at home” method, that People have been doing for about one year now. These days alone, I generated close to $36,000 until now with no more than my home computer as well as some spare time, despite that i have a fulltime 9 to 5 job. Even everyone not used to this, can make $89/per h easily and the earnings can go even higher over time… This is how i started
          !so262c:
          ➽➽
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs552ShopElectroGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!so262c:….,……

      • laughingnome

        You’ve won the thread. Lots of good choices though.

    • Zatara’s personal stalker

      Notorious P.O.O.

      • too many win XD

        • Zatara’s personal stalker

          My first day on this site and i get praised for my poo jokes… im home.

          • laughingnome

            Welcome home! We’re all about the poop, pee, dicks, and pussy jokes.

          • Zatara’s personal stalker

            So College?

          • laughingnome

            Hell no. 8th grade!

          • Elvis Causticfellow

            My first day I got props in a thread about a responsible gun owner who shot himslf while taking a dump.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            You figured out immediately that infantile humor was the quickest way into our hearts. Nice job, comrade.

          • Spurning Beer

            Welcome aboard, Pilgrim!

          • Doug Langley

            It also scores a lot of points if you make constant jokes about canned clams.

          • Koch Blockula

            You monster!

          • Doug Langley

            See how it works?

          • Elvis Causticfellow

            And if you’re ever at a loss, just post “He/She seems nice” randomly.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            “Bless your heart” also too.

          • Elvis Causticfellow

            “Hitler” usually works.

          • Doug Langley
          • NastyBossetti

            You’ve just written the origin story of every Wonkette non-commenter.

    • laughingnome

      You should get more upvotes for starting this.

      • Zatara’s personal stalker

        Just give me an enema of upfist.

        • The Wanderer

          (puts on shoulder-length disposable gloves and gets the Crisco)

      • eggsacklywright

        It will go down in the anals of Wonket history.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          The butt of many a future joke.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      How about he forms a duo with Dan Vitter: Insane Clown Potty.

    • eggsacklywright

      Runs DMC.

      • laughingnome

        I’m cackling like a fool in my office. Well, more than usual.

      • Elvis Causticfellow

        You BASTARD.

    • Nockular cavity

      “Fuck. I don’t even have to change nothin.”
      -Bun B

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      Grandmaster Splash

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      POOP DOGG! (How has no one said that yet?)

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I’m nearly out of upvotes to give.

    • data_ninja

      Dung MC
      With his hit ‘just busta poo’

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Saline Dion.

      • Opalescent Riddles

        OK, that wasn’t a rapper name. But as long we’re off the tracks, here’s another:

        Jefferson Starfish.

        • The Wanderer

          The Big Ploppa?

          • Rags

            Fleet Would Mack

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Notorious B.A.G.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      MC Scat Kat

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Bagmaster Splash and Smelle Smell

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Lil Drain

    • Rags

      No, gotta go old school. Grandmaster Flush.

    • aureolaborealis

      Sir Dripsalot?

    • aureolaborealis

      Dr. Spray.

    • aureolaborealis

      Ol Dirty Bastard.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      “Wrong room!”

      — Pee Diddy

  • Indivisible Snark Tank

    Chaffetz, you don’t know SHIT about metaphorical enemas until you’ve been subjected to numerous 11-hour hearings chaired by Trey Gowdy, so just STFU.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      11 hour hearings in which you come out smelling like rose and Trey is exuding flop sweat that could turn the Great Salt Lake back into Lake Bonneville.

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    A clean asshole is still an asshole.

  • I am who I am. If they had something really scandalous, it would’ve come out a long, long time ago
    Jason, honey, boo boo, that is not how scandal works, as you probably know, having slummed in a bunch of other people’s.
    Also too, you just admitted that there was something really scandalous so now they will be looking for it. Good job!

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      With Hillary, on the other hand, if there was something really scandalous we’d need years of investigation even after she’s lost the election to have it come out.

      • Well, Dem, if there is not something, make it up, and if there is something, you blow it up to be the biggest blow job the oral office has ever seen EVER

  • wait! what?

    If he resigms before any type of conviction, he gets to keep his pension.

  • Jack Rogue Tenhet

    One more:

    Keep your friends close and your enemas closer.

    • TundraGrifter

      Jinx!

  • Spurning Beer

    Just lay off the Olestra, Jason, okay?

    • Anna Rompage

      Olestra?

      Why isn’t that an orally ingested anal lube?

      • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

        Because it results in excessive Santorum production.

  • OrG

    He’s lying. If he’s had so many enemas,why is he so full of shit?

  • Anna Rompage

    OMFG, that’s IT!

    He didn’t mention “family” in his original statement because he’s not having an affair with another woman, rather he’s have lurid sex with some other man, who shoves their turgid love muscle up poor Jason’s tight pink rectum!

    • laughingnome

      It ain’t tight anymore.

      • LesBontemps

        Not after all those enemas, anyway.

        • Al Swearengen

          Hmm…you’re not supposed to use a firehose, right? I’m not saying Chaffetz doesn’t, but in general. Haven’t had one.

    • Meccalopolis

      He’s TLM? No wonder he’s got a chaffedass

  • Villago Delenda Est

    There are enema winds? Is that like a haboob?

    • eggsacklywright

      Wet zephyr.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance
  • DrBigHead

    I still cannot wrap my mind around this. None of the more benign reasons for him resigning make any damn sense. If he is planning on running for another office, quitting his current position would give the opposition the script for their negative ad campaign (see what’s-her-name from Alaska). I suppose it could be some unknown family health issue (which even for him I hope it is not), but I don’t believe that a person with the kind of personality it takes to pursue public office would willingly walk away from the power he has.

    Something is up.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      All the way up…

    • puredog

      He sez absolutely positively not. What, you didn’t hear him? Phhfffft.

  • Bill D. Burger

    “Feel the force Luke. Let it flow through you.”

    (*Was a real thing. Probably sells for a lot on Ebay.)

    https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WvRKJ1m7Jic/VnHYKPLzFtI/AAAAAAAAA_c/7UYeMWJDBsU/s1600/StarWars03-www-scarfolk-blogspot-com.jpg

  • I got it – Chaffetz committed the ultimate Mormon sin. He had a homosexual love affair with a black rapper named Ice Tea. I’ll show myself out now.

    • Reddishrabbit

      Actually my sources say it was much worst. They shared an Irish Coffee afterwards!!!!!!

  • HazooToo

    Thirsty butt. I’m sorry…. Thirsty butt.

  • TundraGrifter

    Looks to me like his winds are breaking bad.

  • puredog

    Jason, Jason, Jason. The first rule of Enema Club is that you don’t talk about Enema Club. (Please.)

  • Chadwells

    Chaffetz entrance music….
    https://youtu.be/07P538K83iU

  • Nockular cavity

    We had to endure all those gifs of Rubio gulping down water. I do not want to see the Chaffetz gifs that come out of this.

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      But you know you will…

  • OrG

    I bet he’s secretly a GG Allin fan.

    • Al Swearengen

      Nah, Chaffetz is just a shill for Big Enema.

  • Jeffocaster in the desert

    Due to the enemaments clause, he must resign to market his high end (hahaha) enema line Chaffetz Regal.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      “It’s scented with Lavender!”

  • Reximus
    • …what did he do in SC?
      erm. Am I missing something?

      • The Wanderer

        SC = Supreme Court.

        • OH XD rofl. He counts that as something he did eh?
          Even though the heritage foundation picked the guy, and the GOP pushed him through.
          I think I see the problem now

        • Ghenghis McCann

          Scaring Cats? Screaming Childishly? Snorting Cocaine? Your guess is as good as mine.

          • The Wanderer

            Scat Comedy.

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          I thought…..Secretary of Collusion…..? Never mind….

      • NellCote71

        Supreme Court. Am I the only one to wonder what he did to/in South Carolina.

      • ZangoCrudmonger

        Scanned Clams.

        • The Wanderer

          TSA MONSTER!

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        Probably means “Supreme Court,” but I’m not ruling out “Seduce Chaffetz.”

    • NellCote71

      It was so very, very hard to get a Supreme Court justice on the bench with a plurality in both houses.

  • John Iwaniszek

    If they aren’t trying to shove something down his throat, then they are trying to stick something up his ass. No wonder he’s getting the hell out of there.

  • geoffalnutt

    He’s so clean he squeaks when he walks! Garage doors open in New Jersey!

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Silly Chaffetz! The “SS” on those Nazi-punk Hooker’s tunics doesn’t stand for “Secret Service”.

    • OrG

      By the way Anna,it kinda tense up in here last night. Thank you for your calming influence.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        You’re welcome. :) I’ve been a part of the problem at times, it was nice to be part of the Solution.

        • I missed it entirely but sounds like I am glad I did.
          :huggles:

          • Anna Elizabeth

            ~hugs~ It’s all good.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Be very glad.

  • ManchuCandidate

    He believes he is a whistle because of the sound the wind makes when it blows between his ears.

  • Mack N. Nietzsche

    It is a story to bring the pre-teen out in a writer.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • BadKitty904

    Chaffetz’ political record and acumen are certainly a fundamental issue.

    • The Wanderer

      He’s expelling himself before anyone can get to the bottom of this.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        In the end, it was just a matter of his base…

        • Bobo the Dork Boy

          Or perhaps his fundament.

  • Jeffocaster in the desert

    Hey! An interesting tidbit….from wiki

    Chaffetz’s father’s first wife was Kitty Dukakis (née Dickson), who later married Michael Dukakis, future Massachusetts Governor and 1988 Democratic presidential nominee.

    • yep! And apparently the families are still close ish and there are step siblings and half siblings in the mix somewhere also too

  • BigBoppa ~ Résistent
  • not_vh

    that’s actually pronounced analgesic not anal gee sick. sir, the pills go in your mouth

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWGi1k1BHV0

    • loved that show so hard

      • not_vh

        who has two thumbs and doesn’t give a crap? bob kelso!!

      • not_vh

        Jen for ya.

        granna dorianne or nana hobbes?
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKK55a6C_Ps
        rofl.

        • ZangoCrudmonger

          Christ, just when I think I’ve time to read something other than teh Wonkette…….

  • Mack N. Nietzsche

    He’s probably afraid the Secret Service is going to show up at his door yelling “It’s Ginger Beer Time!”

  • LegionOfDo

    Rumor has it the Russians offered him illegal campaign contributions, which he gladly accepted. Then the Russians turned around and used that to blackmail him into undermining the Trump-Russia investigation. Rumor also has it that he will resign from Congress today to head off the FBI announcement of all of this. Whoa if true. And fun!

    • He does know they will STILL investigate him for that, right?
      Or does retirement mean you can’t touch me?

      • LegionOfDo

        It’s all probably so he won’t have to resign in disgrace, but instead resign in pre-disgrace.

    • And the reason they caught him is the emails he received from the Russians to blackmail him?

      • LegionOfDo

        I would guess it was the money transfers that did it, but hopefully we’ll find out soon!

      • OrG

        EMAILS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

      • Rags

        so this would turn the whole hillz email thing into 3D IMAX back to the future projection?

        • Lamashtar

          Don’t forget VP Pence’s emails and Sec of State Tillerson’s secret emails under alias that were totes deleted Exxon says.

    • BMW

      If that’s true, what good does resigning do him? They wouldn’t then drop the case, would they?

      • If he gets drummed out, he loses bennies?

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        They’ll let him alone – what’s the purpose…?

    • Mary Sandoras

      I also read they was something to do with Benghazi. I’m suspecting he got some illegal funds to keep Benghazi alive for so long.

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        THIS!!! This was all over the Twittersphere yesterday. If this turns out to be true? Shanking with votes would be far to kind. This man exploited the deaths of 4 human beings to no end…he is a scumbag of the highest caliber!

        • IdRatherBeDancing

          Fucking hate the guy — his everlasting torment should be an endless enema with cayenne and jalepeno juice

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Sounds plausible. And how fucked is that?

    • canes_pugnaces

      Hate the guy, and all of his venal friends, but rumors should be avoided lest we sound like paranoid infowars and Breitbart posters. Just a thought.

      • LegionOfDo

        Then again, it would be irresponsible not to wildly speculate!

        • canes_pugnaces

          Yes, there’s that.

  • Are we all going to have to pronounce his name Chafe ass from now on?

    • The Wanderer

      It’s a Moral Imperative.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I know I will.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Clearly, he wants to get out of D.C. before the FBI hands him his ass.

    • Nounverb911

      That’s okay, they know where he lives….

      • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

        Evidently, they also know the location of his ass.

  • Nounverb911
    • OrG

      I think Cali can do better.

      • Meccalopolis

        No doubt

  • Jeffocaster in the desert

    He was caught eating matzo during Pesach and he is converting to Judaism. No political future in a Mormon state. (Yes I know his father was Jewish, but the mother was Christian Scientist converted to Mormon.)

    • Mavenmaven

      that would explain the need for an enema.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Not trying to knock anyone’s faith…however, EVERY single “Christian Scientist” I’ve ever known has been crazy AF.

      • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!

        Which would be find if they didn’t have that annoying tendency of killing their children

        • MeerkatsRMammals

          I knew one that sent her daughter away to boarding school in another country. The other…ugh… she was going through a divorce/custody battle. She coached her (very young) daughter to believe she was sexually abused by her father. There’s a special place in hell for that bitch. That’s “ok”, but don’t you dare offer them macaroni salad with baby shrimps in it…

    • Celtic_Gnome

      All right. That now officially counts as the weirdest religious bona fides I have ever encountered.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • TundraGrifter

      Why do firetrucks have a Dalmatian on board?

      To find the fire hydrant.

  • BMW
  • Bill D. Burger

    Favorite “emema” reference:

    Christopher Hitchens to Sean Hannity on discussing Jerry Falwell: (Hitchens’ final words before Hannity cut him off. Hitchens destroyed Hannity, BTW.)

    “Had Reverend Falwell been given an enema before his interment, he could have been buried in a matchbox.”

    • not_vh

      rofl!!! hahahaha. rofl!!!

  • jesterpunk

    Did Chaffetz get Santorum all over his office and is he trying to get away before the cleaning staff finds it?

  • William

    I would not be surprised if Fox ran “fair and balanced” series on Chaffetz to A. Show how unbiased they are…and
    2. To distract their mouth breathing audience from the continuing Fox scandal. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b0d1a47edbed53e79cdc5c5fea0df751b995dea0deb6af3ad960f6f6ff3a425c.jpg

  • Rudicron

    Remember; once is an accident, twice is coincidence, three times is enema action.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Ian Fleming would be proud of you.

  • Jurassic Ezio

    “This town needs an enema!” -Joker in Batman 1989

    • TundraGrifter

      That’s at least the fourth time that’s been posted this morning.

      Just sayin’…

  • Idiokraticdrumpfenjugend

    ♫Enema wind, blowin’ like a Chaffetz around the House…♫

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    Blargh…thanks to TLC, whenever I hear the word “enema” all I can think of is this: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b32c8bfcd9b699791b7bed3e2aa1d6d6457ae8230a54d193f56726016393d90f.jpg

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Ahh Florida, you never fail to deliver.

    • I wonder if they’ve tried those new Starbucks Unicorn fraps..?

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        Poop all the colors of the rainbow ;)

    • James

      I can attest as a former enlisted seaman (okay, hold the puns), that the fleet runs on coffee.

      • Courser_Resistance

        Yes, yes it does. And according to an enlisted seaman I once dated, it’s also frequently flammable. If you get boarded by a hostile force, just light your coffee on fire and throw it on them!

        • James

          Yup. Though the Navy says it’s not possible to cross-connect JP-5 (jet fuel) tanks with fresh water cofferdams, I can attest to a number of pots of coffee that seemed fuelled with JP-5 as well as caffeine. (JP-5 doesn’t really taste as good as French Vanilla creamer. Don’t try it.)

          • Courser_Resistance

            According to ex-bf, some smart-ass actually ignited his coffee as a demonstration to his Chief. Unfortunately the cup was styrofoam and it melted. Also too, Chief was not amused to start with.

          • James

            Yeah, lighting fires on a ship (even in your coffee) is not a way to win friends or influence people.

            The worst thing you can do though is wash the Chief’s ceramic coffee cup out. (It takes years to build up the scale in a Navy coffee cup to impart the proper flavour.) A new airman did that in my shop to our chief (he used bleach to clean the cup), and the chief threw the cup across the shop and ragged on the airman for about a year over that.

            The chief only got over it when his new cup started building up scale like his old cup.

          • Courser_Resistance

            My grandpa Lee was like that, though he’d been Army for years. Quite frankly, he spent his time in the military as a con man and grifter. Had his fingers in everything. At one point he was in the Quartermaster Corps, so yeah.

            Grandma insisted on cleaning their coffeepot once a week. He’d bitch about it until at least Weds.

          • James

            Until I was a shop supervisor myself, no one would let me make coffee. (I insisted on cleaning the pot.) At home, I have a percolator and two vacuum pots (one glass, one electric), and they are always cleaned before I make a pot of coffee.

            I never was much of a fan of fifteen-year-old scale in my coffee.

          • Meccalopolis

            I’d have dirty dicked his cup nexttime.

            My 1st class used to get passed if anybody cleaned his cup, said it ruined the seasoning

          • James

            When I was a recruiter, we had a thirty-six cup West Bend coffee maker. We would drink about half the pot. At the end of the day, unplug it, then add water to it to top it off the next morning. Add more coffee grounds, and perk it.

            For some reason, prospective applicants would only drink about half a sip of our coffee then leave the rest. Kids today, just don’t understand good military coffee.

            (Edited because I can’t write well from my mythical time zone, where it’s still rum time.)

          • Courser_Resistance

            Probably why my squid never touched coffee. Couldn’t stand the stuff. I didn’t drink it at the time either. I didn’t start until my 40’s, which made me odd man out with my family.

          • James

            My sister was in the Army. Before she joined, she never drank coffee. She somehow got a taste for Army coffee, and she still drinks it that way today. She won’t drink coffee in a restaurant or such, because they clean their gear.

          • Meccalopolis

            Chiefs are never amused

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Does JP-5 taste like it smells?

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        According to my Fiancé, who spent some time in the Navy, the coffee for the crew below decks (engineers, repair people etc. who used to be called “the black gang” because coal) was heavily laced with salt, because heat and sweating. Imagine Navy coffee with a generous helping of salt.

        • James

          Well, in addition to the occasional JP-5 infusion into the fresh water on the aircraft carriers I served aboard, we would also get an occasional salt water infusion when the water desalination plants decided we needed more salt.

        • Meccalopolis

          Not during my time but I knew some old salts (heh- heh) who added it to theirs. Had to be careful who you took a cup from.

        • Moar Wordz

          Mmmmmmmmmmh
          I saw a salted coffee beverage at the menu in Boston, but like the Unicorn, it was never seen again

      • Especially when given as enemas, makes sure everything runs out of you

        • Grumpy Twat

          Don’t watch the bottom fall out of your world…

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Not surprised they have a brown couch.

  • William
  • chascates

    I’d be happy to conjure up a habanero enema for him.

    • jesterpunk

      I think you should use Carolina Reaper peppers instead.

  • The KGB Ate Our Votes

    With Fox and Friends like that, who needs enemas?

  • Anna Rompage

    “The enema of my enema is my friend” Jason Chaffedazz

    • Me not sure

      Suggested biography title : “Up The Alimentary Canal With Gun And Camera”.

    • ken_kukec

      It’s a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enema …

    • TundraGrifter

      JINX! You’re about two hours late with that one.

  • Our most enematic congressman.

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    Fleet enemas? So now the Navy’s implicated? I can’t keep up.

    • James

      Perhaps this is why Sean Spicer confused where the USS Carl Vinson is located. He confused Rep. Chaffetz’s Fleet with The Fleet.

      I can’t imagine the Carl Vinson being lost up there . . . it’s supposed to be in the Indian Ocean.

    • Anna Rompage

      A whole armada of them!

  • Me not sure

    “…as every hooker in this town knows.”

  • Oblios_Cap

    What a little shitweasel. That is all.

  • Pickles

    he wants his own reality show so he can eventually run for Presidents of America

  • ken_kukec

    So how much time over the last eight years while he was on the Utah taxpayers’ payroll did Chaffetz spend turning tricks in Cartagena for federal agents, huh?

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Arriving late I see that Wonkettes do enema jokes as goodly as dick jokes.

    • Lil bit messier to my mind

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Messier not just to your mind. So I’ve heard.

  • Jgb979

    Always with the anal fixation metaphors

    I’m thinking closet full of Thai ladyboys with this one.

  • hillarysleftone

    Enema wind
    From the Grand Coulee Dam to the Capitol…

    (Heard it somewhere before, Dylan song maybe? I know somebody here will remember the rest of the lyric…)

    • Meccalopolis

      Yes: idiot wind. This too

    • Grumpy Twat

      It’s a wonder that
      you still know how to shit

    • puredog

      Enema wind, wouldn’t change a thing, wouldn’t change a thing, oh noooooo. . . .

  • Anna Rompage

    In the tune of ‘Memories’

    Enemas
    Light the corners of my mind
    Misty water-colored enemas
    Of the way we were
    Scattered discharge,
    Of the pools we left behind
    we gave to one another
    for the way we were

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Could it be that we were all so simple then?

      • Anna Rompage

        Who knew
        just a simple enema bag
        filled with warm water
        could bring us back
        to the way, we were

        • Pisto75666

          Today’s winner of the Internet, ladies & gentlemen. *bows*

  • Persistent Demme

    I wanna read all the wittys from the Wonkers, but my butt hurts just from reading this post.
    I’ll be moving on now.
    (Not squeamish at all, but this somehow crosses a line.)

    • Grumpy Twat

      Bah, what are you worried about?
      True story; I work in an endoscopy dept. I have just come home from a 12 hour shift, poured a pint, clicked on Wonkette and discovered this!

      • IdRatherBeDancing

        Taking work home again?! LOL

        • Grumpy Twat

          Nah! I never have a pint at work. Chocolate brownies, on the other hand…

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I just read that as 12 hour shit. Still worked.

  • Maclare

    Speaking of enemas, has anyone mentioned yet that Chaffetz gave a live interview to that bastion of journalism, TMZ Live?

    (Yes I watched it, don’t judge)

  • Me The People

    I know it’s a bit ‘below the belt’ to say, but seriously that guy’s face is just a mistake.

  • Anna Rompage

    When Jason went to see Sweeny Todd, he got all excited that Fleet Street might be something like Vaseline Alley…

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “I’ve been given more enemas by more people over the last eight years than you can possibly imagine.

    BRB. throwing up…

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    I really never want to think of this wombat’s butthole ever. And I really like manholes, but not this guy’s. EVER.

  • Mahousu

    However many enemas Chaffetz has had, it’s clearly not enough, as some of him is still left.

  • TheBoatDude

    Enemas…enemae?

    Also: Jason and the Enema Hookers is a horrible name for a Rupert Holmes cover band.

    • Jason should be declared an enema of the people

      • Pisto75666

        With an enema at the gates right behind..

  • Jgb979

    You wouldn’t be needing so many enemas if you weren’t so full of shit

  • Maclare

    What’s sadder than enemas?

    This:

    “Congressman Jason Chaffetz Sick of D.C. Lifestyle, Sleeping on Office Cot”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtHPjb93ii8

    • Weird, he tells everyone all the time how people should sacrifice for the good of the country.
      guess that only applies to poor guys getting shot at, not rich guys on a cot

      • Maclare

        Also, it’s a cot that he has his staff make up for him! That’s not a sacrifice!

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          A mint on the pillow or someone’s getting fired!

  • Oneofthebobs

    He’s his own worst enema.

  • James

    Well, if Rep. Chaffetz does return to Utah early, perhaps United will give him a ticket for promotional reasons. . . .

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    He had to scat before the scat videos surfaced…

  • I think a Freudian slip may be involved

  • Fartknocker

    I never liked the guy and neither did his hairdresser, unless Jason enjoys the wet black poodle pubic hair look.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      I believe that is a “Coiffure by Hair Club For Men” original.

  • Jonny On Maui

    I’m a Democrat and I haven’t had a chance yet to give ole Jason an enema. I’ve got the bag and a bottle of Everclear. Where is the little tyke?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      That actually made me laugh until I cried. Thank you.

  • mailman27

    I’m no Brad Pitt, but that is one ugly sumbitch.

    • Manhattan123

      I am a Brad Pitt and agree.

  • Manhattan123

    I was at the Deseret News site, one of Utah’s largest papers, where there is a long feature on his quitting.The comments section is filled with his fans who seem to think he did God’s work, and will now be getting a job on Fox. I asked if they really think America wants to see that face on their TV every day. My comment hasn’t been approved yet. (There, they really DON’T allow comments unless squeaky clean and probably pro-GOP).

    • he’s done god’s work so can…quit halfway through or something?
      HUH?

      • Manhattan123

        Also, mean liberals apparently drove him out. The comments are fascinating to read. Picture some of the Wonkette trolls, except a bazillion times more sanctimonious.

        • snork, total wimp if he let a buncha mean libtar limp writsted gay homo snowflakes drive him from doing “God’s Work”

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Noah was doing God’s work. If he’d quit halfway through, none of us would be here.

    • UnsaltedSinner
    • cats530

      “God’s work?” Like Lloyd Blankfein.

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • Hardly Ideal

    Wait, holy shit (LOLOL literally)…

    I wonder if I should link that Ghost-Talker’s Daydream page making that same joke. Let’s look it up firs- wow, fuck, it’s got naked breasts and stuff. Is that okay for Wonkette? This is a family website…

    …eh, fuck it. Nerd tangent it is.

  • Poly_Ester

    He references to enemas and leaks suggests to me that he is a water sports enthusiast.

  • Grumpy Twat

    “I’ve been given more enemas by more people over the last eight years than you can possibly imagine.”
    I do think that when someone makes a statement of such a startling nature they have a certain responsibility to provide some context.

    • puredog

      Video or GTFO. (Full disclosure: I won’t be watching, just basking in the knowledge that millions are.)

      • Grumpy Twat

        Well if he wants his own show on Fox tv….

  • whitroth

    Hey, maybe he’s going to be the one to replace O’Wrongly on Faux News, and any Reptilian would be happy to drop legislatin’, with its tiny salary, for $25M/yr.

    No shit, Sherlock….

  • Beowoof14

    I was thinking this guy needs and enema with Frank’s Red Hot. Maybe then we will find out what his connection is to Russia that has him ready to quit and lawyer up.

    • cats530

      I think we should use the extra hot sauce, something like, “Smack My Ass and Call Me Sally” Habanero hot sauce.

      • Beowoof14

        I was thinking of Frank’s as a starting point, moving up to Sriracha, then maybe some Ghost Pepper sauce.

        • Tokays_don’t_blink

          Carolina Reaper libelz!!

          ETA: Bah, shoulda scrolled down before posting. C’est la vie.

    • crazymonkeylady

      Let’s all think about weird things Jason is welcome https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/81c144241db47776d16a6958fc49f1a787c91533c45ed1a6b5b633d7d10d26d6.jpg to stick up his butt…. Come Visit Scenic Detroit! We have fists…

  • The Utah Enema Bandit
    I heard he’s on the loose
    Oh the pitiful screams
    Of all those Hillary Benghazi emails
    He just be investigating them all
    They be all leaked out
    He just be pumping on them with his bag full of
    Utah Enema Bandit juice

    • Michael Loraine

      Some props to Frank Zappa, please…

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    We all know Jasey is a dirty bottom.

    • Caepan

      I first read that as that he’s a “dry bottom.”

      Which would have explained his thirsty butt.

  • cats530

    So he’s resigning because he has a prostitute/enema kink?

  • SKruetheratbassedarDs

    Video of Jason wearing one of Jeffy Beau’s pointy white hood hats, perhaps? Or, linguistic breatkthroughs mean that the barnyard animals can now communicate with Humans?? Oh, be afraid, Hannity, be very afraid . . .

  • susan_g

    This enema story has Trey Gowdy’s hands all over it.

    • Dot Beech

      Ooooo! I would LOVE to see the video of Trey Gowdy giving Jason Chaffetz a warm wine enema.

  • Nodrama4mama

    Maybe its just, now that he doesn’t have Hillary Clinton and Benghazi! to kick around, the actual job of governing is too much for him.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Likely but there are also rumors of sex tapes (ewww).

  • I daresay I have heard a few dirty whistles in my day.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Jason Chaffetz don’t know shit about enemas. If he wants to know about enemas, he should talk to Hillary Clinton.

    • Moar Wordz

      I hear Bill loves Cubans, Hillary would probably be on the giving, not the receiving, end. So 2 speak.
      I think Chaffetz hoisted his own re-tard here

      • H0mer0

        “Never go full retard!”

  • crazymonkeylady

    Somehow I knew he was into ‘Water Sports’ . Nudge, nudge, wink, wink….

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    This Chaffetz fella looks familiar……
    https://media.giphy.com/media/L4caiF7GTkgJa/giphy.gif

  • Brad H

    Well, at least if he’s ever convicted, his cellmates will certainly thank the Secret Service. And the Democrats.

  • Begin Anew Day

    Jason ought to go into Professional Wrestling. I’d pay good money to watch him get mauled by some hulking farm boy who calls himself Neo-Undertaker.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      How ’bout Big Dick McGee!

      • efoveks

        Is that another enema reference? :)

        • H0mer0

          was he “busted flat in Baton Rouge”?
          (Eww! now repugs gotta pull metaphors out of their Chaffed-hole in addition to all the made up stuff about HRC?)

  • Panika MCD

    just because HRC looked at you in the following ways, does not mean you got an enema. you just sharted yourself. that’s on you, Play-Doh-Face.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/xTiTndCIut7o7OpEL6/giphy.gif

    https://img.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/wp-content/uploads/sites/47/2015/10/hrc_shoulders.gif

    http://www.msnbc.com/sites/msnbc/files/styles/embedded_image/public/hillary1-edited2.gif?itok=vVmjx6aN

    http://www.msnbc.com/sites/msnbc/files/styles/embedded_image/public/hillary8.gif?itok=qvvUnsN6

    https://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/hillary_temples2c.gif

    nope. not enemas. don’t know why these things make you leak. maybe you should have that checked out by someone who is qualified to do so and quit acting like it’s the Secret Service’s job, Jerry Curls.

    • Erala Contratista

      “JerryCurls ” for white boys!

      • Panika MCD

        Jason Chaffetz, Jesus Christ and Jerry Curls are the JC trinity!

        • efoveks

          More like the Devil’s Triangle but the JC thing is more cleverer. :)

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    “I am who I am.”

    And who I am is my own special creation!

  • Rebekahhmurphy

    Managing director of Google!, is explaining to users to start off “Work at home” method, that People have been doing for about one year now. These days alone, I generated close to $36,000 until now with no more than my home computer as well as some spare time, despite that i have a fulltime 9 to 5 job. Even everyone not used to this, can make $89/per h easily and the earnings can go even higher over time… This is how i started
    !so262c:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs552ShopElectroGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!so262c:….,…….

    • TundraGrifter

      Of course that person is! Who wouldn’t believe you!

  • Relativicus

    Unless there’s a sequel in the making, you simply cannot stop after “enema winds.”

  • kittygrrl

    It is being reported today that Rump gave Chaffetz a $10 million campaign contribution with Russian money on Oct. 28-the SAME DAY that Comey went public with his BS HRC email surprise. So much for Rump’s promise from his Contract With America for his first 100 days to clean up the swamp and get rid of corruption in Washington. LOL.

  • Paperless Tiger

    All the more reason to tie up the loose ends.

  • TundraGrifter

    Chaffetz is his own worst enema.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      *Chaffshitz. Fixed

  • Daniel Hooper

    Really? No one’s been given more political enema’s than this jerk? Methinks Mrs. Clinton might have something to say about that…

  • Truly Madly Derply

    And the shits just keep on coming.

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