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wants to be called “Daddy”

We repeat our earlier statement that Alex Jones’s custody hearing should be on Pay-Per-View, or maybe even on C-SPAN, because it’s not like the House Intelligence Committee is holding any hearings on Russia or anything. We have learned so many joyous and wonderful things from these proceedings, as the lawyer for Kelly Jones, Alex’s ex-wife, lays out all the reasons why, ahem, maybe this guy shouldn’t be around kids.

HIS OWN LAWYER has argued that Alex Jones’s real personality is different from his InfoWars thing, which is performance art. Jones himself claimed this previously, when he got in trouble for making physical threats at U.S. Congressman Adam Schiff, who is, in Jones’s estimation, an “archetypal cocksucker,” a “goddamn son of a bitch,” and a “fucking goddamn fucker.”

But when HIS OWN LAWYER said that, Jones released a video saying he’s no performance artist, just a simple batshit crazy man who believes in every single thing he says. We’re not sure he helped his case there!

One of the special things we’ve learned from this custody hearing is that Jones is prone to becoming naked at the drop of a hat, and for various reasons. Actually, we originally learned that back in February, when, during an interview with a nice reporter from Der Spiegel, Jones ripped his shirt off WHILE he was eating Texas BBQ, either as a show of dominance, or because he really likes it when the sauce gets on his nipples.

But for real, Alex Jones, who has (per his lawyer???) been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, gets naked ALL THE TIME, whether at therapy sessions or at Trump’s inauguration when he’s drunk, or on the air at his little InfoWars thingie. You know, just whenever:

“I’m gonna piss on some tree or something,” an apparently drunk Jones says in one recording [taken at Trump’s inauguration — Ed.] that will be presented at trial. “The age of fake bullshit is over. The return of man is here. Get ready because it’s going to run your ass over!” […]

In another video, Jones strips to his underwear while ranting about the FBI. His ex-wife’s attorneys argued the video corroborated an ongoing problem with stripping that also affects Jones off the air.

“He just takes his clothes off,” attorney Bobby Newman said, adding that Jones once removed his shirt during a family therapy session with his children.

Who among us has not been in family therapy and just started shedding clothes? It is a normal thing to do, in family therapy.

Now, of course, Jones might have to be reminded which children are his kids, especially if he is naked, and also if he’s had a bowl of piping hot chili recently. Newman, Kelly Jones’s lawyer, dropped that detail on Tuesday as well:

At one point, Newman said that in a deposition, Jones said he couldn’t recall basic facts about kids — like their teachers’ names and classes — because, “I had a big bowl of chili for lunch.”

Every parent experiences this, stop fucking laughing.

For those wondering how Alex Jones, model of serenity that he is, is handling all these people in court saying these awful things about how his bloated pig body is always naked and peeing on things while he eats chili — because he’s energized by his Alex Jones Trucker Speed! — National Memo reports that he’s behaving very poorly. He’s staying completely silent, but on Tuesday, he got in big trouble with the judge for monkeying around in his seat and making faces:

“Judge,” said [Newman]. “Can you tell Mr. Jones to stop making faces and shaking his head?”

And then, a little while later, “Judge, Mr. Jones is still shaking his head.”

“Mr. Jones,” state District Judge Orlinda Naranjo admonished Jones. “No bodily comments please.”

NO BODILY COMMENTS, ALEX. Jesus Christ, was he raised in a barn on a farm owned by the Illuminati and the New World Order and Beyoncé? We would have thought the chemtrails the FBI and the CIA and Barack Obama put into Jones’s B-hole would have mind-controlled him to behave better than that, but we guess not, because he was still bodily commenting on Wednesday:

What a naughty, naughty boy.

On the other hand, we guess we should be glad he hasn’t pulled his pants down and helicoptered his little weenus at the jury, but there are many days left in the trial, so again, WHY IS THIS NOT LIVE-STREAMING ON YOUTUBE?

In summary, and in conclusion, Alex Jones is naked, chili gives him amnesia farts, and he wants to spend time with his kids. Oh what a world we live in …

Wonkette is not naked right now. OR ARE WE? Anyway, give us money by clicking below.

[Huffington Post / National Memo]

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  • DerrickWildcat

    Child abuse

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Who among us has not ate a bowl of chili and forgotten what grade in school each of our kids happen to be in?

    lol – I forget what grade my nephews are in sometimes, but they live in another state, and I see them about once every 3 years.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Naked Alex Jones and Furry Nazis. Must be hump day.

    • Roni Raven, Just Microwavin’

      That made me throw up in my mouth a little.

    • “Naked Alex Jones and the Furry Nazis” is the name of my post-Punk band.

    • Courser_Resistance

      And that’s probably all the amusement we’ll get for the day. Bummer dude.

    • ragboat

      Hemp day.

  • Chadwells

    Bodily commenting. First I ever heard that. I like it a lot. Gonna be heavy in the term rotation.

    • laughingnome

      Blame it on the chili.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Say, there’s probably a section of a prison filled with sex offenders somewhere where that stripping at inappropriate moments will go unnoticed.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Evan, Congratulations, I’m in tears of laughter here. XD

  • Chadwells

    And then…amnesia farts…LOL!!! Who hasn’t had the occasional one?

    • Anna Elizabeth

      I’ve had guys fart in such a way that I could neither breathe nor *see* for a moment after.

      • Chadwells

        My question is…when did the amnesia farts happen? Like right as he was standing with the teacher who’s name he couldn’t remember…in which case, gross!!! And if it was like minutes, hours before…they are so powerful, you’re struck stupid? Or is it after meeting them, in which case…who cares!

        I need to know!! I’m fascinated.

    • Pisto75666

      I probably have but I don’t remember.

  • DerrickWildcat

    If the guy really loved his kids he’d want them out of harms way from the Bilderberg Group…along with all of the other shadow agencies that are trying to kill him.

  • WiscoJoe

    I guess one up-side to the Trump era (shudder) is that I’ve gone from feeling angry and intimidated about these guys to just feeling sorry for how pathetic they are.

    It’s like that scene in King Lear where you realize the dude is just naked and screaming at the wind and consumed by his own narcissism.

    • snark-lurker

      i donut feel sorry for them scumy scurvy creeps

  • exinkwretch

    Don’t you get it, sheeple? ALEX IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO IS ACTUALLY THINKING CLEARLY! The rest of you are being controlled by mind rays broadcast by the reptile aliens. Also, why does this man NOT have the largest office in the West Wing?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    With any luck, the judge will not only deny custody, and then triple the alimony, he will also commit Jones to a padded cell with no Intertubes access.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Ugh, I just ate lunch.

    • jesterpunk

      Did you have chili? If so you will forget about this and nazi furries.

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        Nothing will erase the Nazi Furries :(

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    What kind of restrictive, politically correct society are we living in where a man is not permitted to espouse demonstrably crazy conspiracy theories, engage in acts of outdoor micturition and disrobe freely whenever he chooses to do so?

    Let your freak flag fly proudly, Alex!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You know, normally, I’m not adverse to men disrobing in public, especially if they’re Mark Ruffalo or Chris Pratt (that is, not repulsive to even straight guys like myself) but I draw the line at barbecue tits here.

      • Courser_Resistance

        It seems like the men who want to get naked all over the place are NEVER the men you’d want to see naked all over the place.

        • puredog

          First rule of nude beaches (and it goes both ways).

          • Courser_Resistance

            Absolutely, it does. Personally, I prefer clothing of some kind. It might be sleezy, crappy, hideous or sexy, but there will be clothing. I don’t even walk around my own apartment naked. It may happen from time to time, but it’s not the way I prefer to hang out.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Evan has permanently ruined chili for me. :(

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Thank you!!! I have a serious issue with overly hairy men :(

  • CindyinEncinitas

    All I gotta say is, you’re next, motherfucker.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    My husband & I have been using this line since it broke yesterday! Nope, sorry, can’t help kids…big bowl of chili! Alex Jones is a fuck & he deserves everything he’s gonna get.

  • Michael Smith

    Well it kinda does sound like he’s on a lot of uppers.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Meth?

      • Courser_Resistance

        I dunno, most meth users at his level are skinny as shit and have rotten teeth.

        • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

          Not all of them are skinny. The teeth usually go through, but he could have implants.

      • puredog

        He’th a hot meth.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    U.S. Congressman Adam Schiff, who is, in Jones’s estimation, an “archetypal cocksucker,” a “goddamn son of a bitch,” and a “fucking goddamn fucker.”

    And those of us who are fortunate enough to be his constituents love him for it. What’s your point, Alex?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4d9a8ed5f0c0672c129b28a7241e30ddf0ab740f8a1a2125e2504e4572177a62.jpg

  • SomeBigRedDog

    I have to give a big presentation in front of all my bosses this afternoon. I think I’ll try the chili excuse if anyone asks any questions.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      I just ate a big bowl of chili, no questions please.

      • SomeBigRedDog

        I think it might be crazy enough to work!

      • jesterpunk

        Is that going to replace Marshawn Lynch’s comments?

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1kvwXsZtU8

        • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

          I just ate a big bowl of chili, no questions please.

    • timpundit

      Take your shirt off too, to show them your manly nipples. That’s gotta count for something.

      • SomeBigRedDog

        I’ve got like eight of them! But I’m a girl dog so maybe not.

        • H0mer0

          my Golden retrievers were in a liter of 12. I guess they had to take shifts.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Good plan! I’m supposed to present a year road map for platform technology but I’m day drinking and watching barca juve instead. I’m blaming chili!

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      BTW did you use to be big red skullfucking dog? If so, great to see you!

      • SomeBigRedDog

        Thanks, yeah thats me.

  • President Trump. Misplaced aircraft carriers. Bill O’ and Hot Chocolate. Nazi Furries. And naked Alex Jones Chili and public urination.

    Okay, seriously, people. The fuck did you put in my tea?

    • Courser_Resistance

      I know. It’s been a constant bad acid trip since November.

      • Crystalclear12

        Stay away from the brown acid, man

    • Beanz&Berryz

      And in my phone?!

    • laughingnome

      A crumbling empire is both tragic and comic.

  • MynameisBlarney

    OT

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10028950237

    “Internet dances with glee on the grave of O’Lielly’s career”

    • Shanzgood

      Too bad this couldn’t have happened before he incited Dr. Tiller’s murderer.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Yup.

    • HazooToo

      I have seen at least one rumor that Trump will replace Spicy with O’Rielly.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Suck it, Billdo.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Jones ripped his shirt off WHILE he was eating Texas BBQ, either as a show of dominance, or because he really likes it when the sauce gets on his nipples.

    This is my favorite of Evan’s lines today, and maybe forevers.

    • ragboat

      No no, helicoptered his little weenus

      • Shanzgood

        I agree. I kind of like the idea of BBQ sauced nipples. NOT HIS, though.

  • Crystalclear12

    This is the man that Trump gets his “news” from.
    Yeah, let that sink in.

  • Vincent Ricola

    “He just takes his clothes off,” attorney Bobby Newman said

    Alex Jones can’t stop dropping trou because of the deep state satellite beams that infest the cotton fiber in his clothes!!! And also too so he can save the kidrens from dangerous pizza stores!!! Wake up, sheeple.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      I still think it’s meth.

      • Vincent Ricola

        Yeah. You’re probably right.

        • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

          Watch him for a few hours and see if he starts grinding his teeth.

  • Chadwells
    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Fake news, sadly.

      • jesterpunk

        I believe that is called “Alternative photos” from what KellyAnne Conway said.

  • maxneanderthal

    Exhibitionist speed freak with neo-nazi beliefs and a potty mouth may not be safest custodian of children? And you’re telling me this actually made it through the court doors to be seriously considered by humans capable of a bipedal gait and with functioning opposeable thumbs?

  • msanthropesmr

    My consumption of chili tends to make people wish they could forget.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      XD

    • wide_stance_hubby

      So, your windsong stays on their minds?

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Chili is Chemical Science, the 3 stages of Matter. It starts Solid, is rendered into a Liquid, and once consumed, becomes Gas.

      • PubOption

        If consumed by Wendy O’Williams, would it become plasma(tic)?

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Ahh, I have been outdone today. *golf claps*

          XD

  • AndyC316

    Well, he prob won’t ever see his kids after this, but at least he’s still got 4.2 million fucking Americans listening to his crazy ass mouth

  • msanthropesmr

    So, I thought, as in Proust, that smells were supposed to trigger memories.

    • Shanzgood

      His trigger memories of blackouts.

    • wait! what?
    • maxneanderthal

      “Allah resurge D. Trumps perv do”

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    WHY IS THIS NOT LIVE-STREAMING ON YOUTUBE?

    “Because it’s bad enough I have to live through this in real time: having it live forever on video would be the death of me!”

    – Judge Orlinda Naranjo

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Chili, yeah, relatable stuff. For me it’s fondue. Just a few bites of that stuff, and next thing you know, I’m wandering naked in Amsterdam with no clue how I got there, clutching an award for outstanding set design in a major motion picture.

  • ragboat

    OMG. Cannot stop laughing. Oh the imagery! “helicoptered his little weenus “

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    OT: Aaaaand O’Reilly’s out.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • FukuiSanYesOta

      For realz? I’m having a schadengasm!

    • maxneanderthal

      “Fux NewsRoom to let; No Blacks, No Jews. No Irish”

    • Shoto

      Tragedy, right? We should have a moment of silence.

      OK, that’s enough. Now we can point and laugh and throw rotten eggs!!

    • Shibusa
  • aureolaborealis

    Hey! I thought we had a limit of one furry post per day!

  • rosenbomb

    What a time to be alive.

  • “Alex Jones….is prone to becoming naked at the drop of a hat”

    If that’s the case, I’ll hang out with this dude. He never drops his hat.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0f6878bbb706cdbe1fb5ce511451254001dae8ef2f5732a86651b518da855527.jpg

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I’m finding this post impossible to fap to.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    OT: Exxon is asking Trump Admin for a waiver from sanctions on Russia.

    http://thehill.com/policy/energy-environment/329522-exxon-seeks-waiver-from-russia-sanctions

    • Saw that coming up Broadway.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      I’m shocked. Shocked, I say!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Mr. Tillerson, your winnings, sir.”

        • mailman27

          The house always wins.

          • H0mer0

            unless it’s a Trump Casino

    • epazote

      DONE !….Drumpf will sign an EO making it so
      whydafuck do you think ReXXon Tillerson was appointed to serve as Secretary of State ? Drumpf’s gonna pocket bigly dollars from it also too

  • Thank God I don’t like chili.

    • Joe T.

      Don’t like chili? Whadaru? Some sort of commie?

      • Sorry. It bothers my stomach. I know it’s un-American, but I can’t eat it.

  • Vincent Ricola

    “…I don’t think Alex did anything wrong.” – donald j trump (soon probably)

  • wait! what?

    If I ever get to moderate a discussion board “no bodily comments, please” will be one of the top 5 rules.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot
    • Shibusa

      My god he is so tedious (and deluded).

    • Beanz&Berryz

      “No days off!?” He really said that?

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        Yup.

    • Chadwells

      Triggered.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      When he’s golfing, he’s working. He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.

    • SomeBigRedDog

      Actually, days off are an important part of athletic conditio ….

      Nevermind.

    • anwisok

      Seems like a tacit admission that he’s not trying to “rebuild the country.”

  • BrendaKay

    The comic relief of this is awesome. But, for his kids’ sake, I hope the ex-wife wins.

    • puredog

      Except, of course, that she is demonstrably “a woman who would marry Alex Jones and have his children.” There are likely no winners here, and the children will be the losers (if they’re not already).

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Is it weird that I really want chili for dinner now?

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      I just ate a bowl of chili, no questions please.

      • Bobathonic

        I had some…wait, what DID I have? Where am I? How did I get here?

        • pb_&_sauerkraut

          And why am I pissing on this tree?

          • wide_stance_hubby

            Cuz it’s a Kardashian tree?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Ugh. Moobs.

  • Shoto

    “WHY IS THIS NOT LIVE-STREAMING ON YOUTUBE?”

    Exactly!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Were Alex Jones and this guy separated at birth? Or are they the same person? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4a70bdf9960b753bdc00eda3825a1afd0072f84d0e085f2bb1e2221a57e0d08a.jpg

    • pb_&_sauerkraut

      Alex Jones is this guy’s evil twin.

      • Jack of the Resistance Tenhet

        Alex Jones seems to be his OWN evil twin.

    • Wild Cat

      Remember when kindly Bill Maher made a suffering Amy Winehouse his weekly kicking bag? (This is her ex for a while, Russell Brand, doing a parody shoot—literally.)

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Vacay pic from Billo?

    • wide_stance_hubby

      If their sweaty navels locked, they may not be able to separate ever.

      • Tokays_don’t_blink

        Eeeeew. Never cross the streams. Also too, I had finally forgotten about this guy, dammit!

  • puredog

    I should think there’s no jury, that it’s a trial to the bench. Standard practice in dom rel cases.

  • Shibusa

    If he’s going to keep tearing his shirt off, maybe Paul Ryan can be persuaded to lend Jones his P90X set.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Billo gono down the toilet hole with Olberman.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    https://twitter.com/kurteichenwald/status/854758242173452291

    Spicer is an amateur. A pro would say, “I just ate a big bowl of chili, no questions please”.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      It’s just taking the scenic route!

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        After eating a big bowl of chili.

      • puredog

        The 24,000-mile scenic route.

      • PubOption

        The Navigator used to work for Malaysian Airlines.

        • Cliff Hendroval

          Or Oceanic Airlines.

    • SomeBigRedDog

      That’s not true. Did you guys know the earth is actually flat? I just learned it.

    • Swampgas_Man

      “The world is round, ain’t it?”

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        “I just ate a bowl of chili, no questions please”.

    • Beowoof14

      Wait till O’Reilly takes over the media is going to love him.

  • Jack of the Resistance Tenhet

    Again, just for the record that will inevitably be archived somewhere, this is NOT normal.

    Wingnuts? STOP elevating lunatics and crawl back under your respective rocks.

    • Shoto

      I think we’re gonna need moar rocks.

    • Little Doll–MOAMF

      Normal isn’t even required by us, since we’re a tolerant bunch, but tasteless (well, OK, we often allow that too), and damaging to children’s psyches? Not OK.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Colbert will have a moment of silence and cry tonight.

  • AndyC316

    Can we back up just a second? Someone made babies with Alex Jones?? Like more than one?

    • maxneanderthal

      Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action…

      • AndyC316

        Russian active measures, perhaps?

  • osceola

    Took his clothes off in front of a family therapist?

    Bet you all the money in the world the therapist was a woman.

  • Kiri the Unicorn
  • Little Doll–MOAMF

    Nazi furries, and Alex Jones. Wednesday is insanity day.

  • William
  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Alex Jones’s brain is complex, man. It can’t handle memory and digestion at the same time.

  • guppy06

    who is, in Jones’s estimation, an “archetypal cocksucker,”

    This should not be confused with an “artisanal cocksucker.”

    • Msgr_MΩment

      To hell with mass-produced beejes.

    • AndyC316

      Ooh — can I put that on my resume?

      • guppy06

        Better yet, put it on your Etsy page!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    OT: Did anybody post about the Schrodinger Aircraft Group yet?

    When the U.S. announces that its military is dispatching a naval armada to the Sea of Japan, it is usually not a laughing matter. But all of Asia could not help but snicker at the news that a communications error prompted the White House to declare prematurely that an aircraft carrier was en route to the Korean Peninsula.

    On Wednesday, the editor’s note on the Chinese news portal Guancha.cn, for example, was “Schrodinger’s U.S. aircraft carrier.” http://www.salon.com/2017/04/19/schrodingers-u-s-aircraft-carrier-asian-countries-mock-white-houses-armada-mishap/

    • boyblue122

      Make America Great a laughingstock Again

  • ImpureScience
    • timpundit

      THAT was the image in my head too when I saw Jones.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • timpundit

      Wait…ok …can we trust that source cause I really wanna trust that source…

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        Palmer report also reported on several Trump Russia connections a week or two before they hit mainstream news.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I don’t know for sure, but we should speculate and speculate wildly.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      We’re sure this is real life right?

      • Shibusa

        He tends to rely heavily on that kooky Louise Mensch so I have my doubts. I hope it’s true though.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Jesus Fucking a Goat.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Replace “Jesus” with “Jason” and you’ll have what the Kremlin has!

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Nice one!

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Woah, if true!

    • puredog

      Much as I want to believe all of this, I would only note that the Palmer Report makes rawstory look like the WSJ. But I have hopes.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Well…
        The WSJ is pretty much shit since Murdoch bought it.
        And raw story, even though they’re REALLY clicky-baity, they do have decent articles from time to time.
        I spent a LOT of time there before Wonkette kidnapped me.

    • Brendan_M

      Well, if Louise Mensch is the source then I’m sure this is as true as her claims that Black Lives Matter are a Russian psy-op.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      WHOA IF TRUE BUT

    • Courser_Resistance

      Haha! Jason Chapped-Ass will be Utah’s problem from here on out. Someone leaked that my might seek out the governorship in a few years. But I don’t think he’s very popular right now at a home either. Particularly if the Russia shit blows up in his face.

  • Shoto

    Bob Cesca’s latest podcast includes guests Bluegal and Driftglass. The trio get into the Alex Jones thing somewhere along the way. It’s a hoot.

    https://www.bobcesca.com/the-bob-cesca-show-presented-by-bubblegenius-com-41817/

    • Beowoof14

      Bob is pretty awesome. Miss Chez.

  • whitroth

    Now, my late ex was a genuine Naturist… but wore clothes as appropriate. This guy has some *serious* issues… gee, it’s almost like he was permanently on a bad trip – and before you ask, yes, I’ve seen folks on bad trips, and yes, it does remind me of that.

  • guppy06

    His ex-wife’s attorneys argued the video corroborated an ongoing problem with stripping that also affects Jones off the air.

    But he’s just following ancient history!

    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/7a/d5/dc/7ad5dc9bce307dfd2887844562a7c664.jpg

    • wait! what?

      He’s no Iggy Pop, either.

  • not_vh

    “Your reputation is amazing. I will not let you down.”

    -DJT on AJ

    • phoenix00

      Giving him up, running around, and deserting him are, however, still in the table

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
  • William

    Lets not forget that “Too crazy for Fox” Glenn Beck, called Alex Jones crazy. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bde494350615df806f5d0bc29019a9f9b5fe150f15a1878cbecb6c6c8484ae0d.jpg

    • Courser_Resistance

      That man is just pure sex on a stick. Still is, to this day.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        IKR? I always think of one of the descriptions from “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil,” of the character who gets murdered: “He’s a walking streak of sex.”

      • Anna Elizabeth

        I loved him as Sgt. Major Basil Plumley in We Were Soldiers.

        “Any of you fuckers calls me Grampa, I’ll kill ya’.”

    • Rasilom

      This man is every single woman on this planets acceptible excuse for an affair. If my GF were to tell me she had slept with him I would give her a huge hug and say “You go girl! Livin the dream!!”

  • Mary Sandoras
  • Jurassic Ezio

    Life has become one giant Onion article I swear.

  • boyblue122

    Alex Jones is like some demented bizarro version of the hulk whose superpower is that he busts out of all of his clothes and becomes a ranting, raving madman when he eats a bowl of chili or assorted meats

    • Shanzgood

      MEATSWEATS

      • boyblue122

        and the “meat forgets” apparently

    • Jurassic Ezio
      • Courser_Resistance

        I’m pretty sure Obama ate meat too, Alex.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Yeah, I was thinking that too. Apparently all Democrats are vegans or something.

          • Courser_Resistance

            Funny thing, I just got my annual blood screen back and I could eat that entire tray of meat and my cholesterol would be just fine. Probably constipated for a month, but whatever.

      • timpundit

        Hard to tell the dead animal carcasses apart. Which one is carrying the platter?

        • wide_stance_hubby

          The excessively marbled meat is Alex.

      • LesBontemps

        So — an entire photo featuring dead meat.

        • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

          Not entirely. There’s a wooden cabinet behind the dead meat.

      • Doug Langley

        I’m certain he got a better grade in “Meats” than Perry did.

      • Do you know how many hats had to be sacrificed for that display, Alex?

    • Nockular cavity

      Also, when he doesn’t eat them.

  • Portia McGonagal

    I should not have laughed reading this whole thing because at the end of the day there are children involved. Unfortunately for them, they have 1/2 his genes. Hopefully nurture will beat out nature and gotta wonder about the woman who’dathunk him a catch to begin with but we are where we are.

    As someone elsewhere said in response to my inquiry about whether “chili” is a new name for some kind of street drug, it’s the “methamphetabean” in the chili that makes you lose your shit. Mentally and otherwise.

    • puredog

      Upfist for “metamphetabean.”

      • Shanzgood

        Yes!

    • not_vh

      there were children involved in sandy hook too. that did not prevent this guy. there is not enough retribution that has been invented for assholes like this.

      • Portia McGonagal

        Yes, but I’d like to think I’m a better person than chili boy :)

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    When do they call the pee hookers to the stand to testify?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      as soon as they get the visqueen taped down

  • Zippy W Pinhead
    • wavicles

      Ayup, that sweet Arctic crude.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    North Korea just ate a big bowl of Chili:

    WASHINGTON (Reuters) – U.S. experts who have been forecasting an imminent North Korean nuclear test said on Tuesday they were surprised when they viewed their latest satellite images of the country’s nuclear test site and saw volleyball games under way.

    With tension mounting between Pyongyang and Washington, analysts had thought they would see activity suggesting preparations for an underground explosion at the Punggye-ri nuclear test site and were not expecting what the photos, taken on Sunday by a commercial satellite, revealed.

    “We see that at three locations in the facility – in the main administrative area, at the support area, at the command center and at the guard barracks near the command center – they have volleyball games going on,” said Joe Bermudez, an expert with 38 North, an independent North Korea monitoring project based in Washington.

    Bermudez offered two possible explanations – that the test site could be going into “a standby mode” or that the games were intended to confuse observers, given North Korea knows that Punggye-ri is under constant observation.

  • TundraGrifter

    “But for real, Alex Jones, who …gets naked ALL THE TIME…”

    I heard about that dude – but I never watch “Survivor.”

  • undercover epicurean
    • Contemplative Ron

      Guatemalan Insanity Peppers? That explains everything!

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I’ve been known to get naked myself. But only in the proper setting. If there are kids on the Greyhound, my clothes stay on, thank you very much.

    • If there are clothes on the Greyhound Alex gets off.

    • Contemplative Ron

      Well, yeah, you’ll just end up sticky if you don’t.
      And I mean FOOD, you preverts.

  • Beowoof14

    That constant shirtless thing makes me think he must be looking for those who appreciate Bears.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Ursine libelz!

    • CripesAmighty

      Can’t help thinking there must be some intersectional potential with the ReichFurries discussed over yonder. Could be a thing?

    • Leave us outta this.

    • Contemplative Ron

      I have met many bears in my lifetime. A dear friend of mine, who has an sincere appreciation for them, thinks I am a bear.
      Alex ‘Setting up my insanity defense’ Jones is no bear.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    SRSLY, this batshit cray-cray hairy fartbeast is a year *YOUNGER* than me.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      And you look ten years younger, darlin’.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        ~hugs~ Thank you kindly, you’re a Sweetie. :)

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Dodging invisible Illuminati all the time does a number on a person’s stress hormones.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      He is twelve years younger than me, and looks twelve years older.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        I believe it, Geez Louise he looks awful. I believe a massive stroke/coronary/aneurysm is in his near future.

        • Dutchman

          Wonder if I’ll get ban-hammered for saying what a spectacularly delightful idea that is?

          • Anna Elizabeth

            With votes you mean, Darlin’?

          • Dutchman

            Yeah, that’s the ticket!!

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          I’m thinking it’s a possibility at any moment… which is another reason he shouldn’t have custody of his kids.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            *nods* Reason 999.

    • Gorillionaire

      I used to say the exact same thing about Andy Breitbart, and well, you know what happened there.

    • The Wanderer

      “Batshit Cray-Cray Hairy Fartbeast” will be the name of my furry death metal klezmer band.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        LOL!

    • Parakeetist

      Same here. I don’t believe him. He’s 56 if he’s a day.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        *nods* Yeah, I would have said 60.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Wait, getting naked at inappropriate times is the thing we’re going to criticize him for?

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      He didn’t take off his pants, though. I mean, thank God and all that, but it still puts him in breach of our principles.

      • Rasilom

        Thank Dog!! I have enough nightmares…

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      (looks down)

      Um … GTT makes a good point.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Define “inappropriate”.

  • Cliff Hendroval

    “WHY IS THIS NOT LIVE-STREAMING ON YOUTUBE?”

    Because it would crash the internet around the world?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Business and industry would grind to a standstill. Whole populations would stand mesmerized before their screens, transfixed by the spectacle.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    He looks like Bigfoot’s forest bride.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Archetypal Cocksuckers is the name of my, uh, “reading” group.

    • Dutchman

      Are Furries invited? Ummm….asking for a friend.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      I googled that. Thank you.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
    • I’m surprised he’s not broadcasting it on Infowars…

    • SadDemInTex

      Holychristonacracker

  • Bill D. Burger

    Sorry…wrong thread

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Perhaps one Mr. Alex Jones practices Surprise Nudism as a desperate effort to keep his underwear from being declared a Protected Federal Wetland?

    • Rasilom

      You owe me a new keyboard. I just spit diet Pepsi all over my current one!

      • Anna Elizabeth

        XD

    • Okay, that may be the first time I have been happy to see the EPA gutted.

    • Pisto75666

      I’ve always wondered why it is that the people who should be naked never are and vice versa. Maybe I did something wrong in a past life……or something.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        I hate to shame anyone, but Alex Jones is such a prize example of Human-shaped Camel Dung that I break the rule for him.

        • Pisto75666

          Same. But then, doesn’t his whole existence shame enough for everybody?

    • mailman27

      Blue jean cut-offs.

      • ahughes798

        Oh HELL no, FFS!

  • JMP

    ‘Jones said he couldn’t recall basic facts about kids — like their teachers’ names and classes — because, “I had a big bowl of chili for lunch.”’

    So he’s using ‘chili’ as a code word for either cocaine or meth?

    • Edith Prickly

      That’s what he seasons it with instead of chili powder.

  • Ricky Gay

    Certified Smokified!

  • wavicles

    Clicking below, tee hee.

  • Panika MCD

    you know what? I’m going to march over to the Commissioners Court after this and suggest that thing about the PPV action because both the state and federal government are financially penalizing us and also too sending ICE to terrify our brown populations anyway. so we may as well make some money off of this. HEY! maybe it could even pay for that new court house we wanted!!!

  • MOG253

    Save the children.

    • FlownΩver

      For dessert.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        In the case of this photo, it’s an immodest proposal.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    “no performance artist, You’re the performance artist”

  • Jukesgrrl

    I didn’t know the muscles in a six-pack rolled over the top of one’s pants. Maybe I’m fitter than I think I am.

  • Nockular cavity

    No bodily comments please.

    Boy, and I thought this place was strict!

  • timpundit

    I was never a fan of hirsute men and this makes it much, much worse.

  • Nockular cavity

    That picture: still on the Nazi furries, eh?

  • sadboy

    This man is turning from a fringe conspiracy theorist into a character from “Ren And Stimpy”.

  • Professor Fate

    Well now that the Giraffe has given birth people are going to need to watch something.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Jesus what a loony

  • Gorillionaire

    Bipolar manic disorder, with psychotic tendencies. Next.

    • The Flaming Carrot

      With a side of narcissistic personality disorder.

      • Tj McGee Wright

        And another side of bacon.
        For nipple-play, I guess.

  • diogenez
    • The Wanderer

      Dear God – is that Zippy the Pinhead, all growed up?

      • H0mer0

        Zippy Libel! He (the creature pictured above) doesn’t have a happy countenance to belie his deeply troubled soul like Zippy does.

      • diogenez

        We accept you. One of us. One of us.

  • unpocketedstupidcomments

    Why does it matter if he’s an “always nude”? There are dozens of us!

    • boredcatlady

      DOZENS!

    • Jeff Ackerman

      People like him are why clothes were invented.

  • goonemeritus

    He has been repeatedly told to stop making faces and shaking his head.

    And yet he persisted.

  • Tj McGee Wright

    The village idiot shouldn’t really be a source of current affairs info. Chili recipes however….

  • boredcatlady

    that’s funny, ’cause Columbo ate chili everyday and he always got his man.

  • SRC
  • Tj McGee Wright

    So mr naked lunatic keeping the kids is going great? Smh Jonesy, smh.

  • HorseChestnut

    he wants to spend time with his kids.

    BULLSHIT. I was the kid in a situation like this, I know of what I speak.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Yup. He just wants to fuck with his ex (I had a custody battle with a mean controlling ex, I know of what I speak ;-)

      • H0mer0

        they just don’t want to pay child support and have their wages garnished. But I must confess I don’t know all my 17 year old twins’ teachers or classes other than that they have the same history teacher and choir teacher and I know a few of their friends only because I’ve given them rides home (although they’ve been subjected to penis jokes on the way from moi; one of them said “did your mom just make a penis joke?” and one of my sons said “yeah, she’s cool that way.” )

        • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

          So true about child support, my charming ex said (by “said” I mean, shouted at me with veins popping out on his forehead), “I’ll go to jail before I pay you a penny (and by “charming” I mean a man about whom the only proper, fair and balanced response is to have an action plan in place to piss on his grave while wearing a red dress).

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    How could any woman have sex with this guy often enough to produce multiple children? Maybe the better question is how could any woman have sex with this man at all?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Assumes facts not in evidence.

    • canes_pugnaces

      Statistically it is a maximum of three and hypothetically none at all.

    • Keith Taylor

      See my comment above. Agree with you completely and hope for the kids’ sake that she was unfaithful to him many times, with someone smart, sensitive and considerate, or even just physically attractive. That he’s not really the dad of any of them. No decent human being would wish Alex Jones’s genetic heritage on anybody.

  • Pisto75666

    “For those wondering how Alex Jones, model of serenity that he is, is handling all these people in court saying these awful things about how his bloated pig body is always naked and peeing on things while he eats chili”

    “You think THAT’S bad! He’s even WORSE when he eats pizza!”

  • Daniel Hooper

    I gotta ask, Wonkette; between Nazi furries and the idea of Alex Jones helicoptering penis, was your goal today to make sure nobody visiting the site today would be able to get aroused for a while? If so, mission accomplished.

    • Belasaurius

      speaking for yourself there, pal

      • Vacuous Virgina

        Pervert 😉

        Or me, for thinkin’ …

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      But that’s my fetish.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Also too will feel uncomfortable reading at work:

      “Mr. Jones, we need to talk about your internet browsing history. It’s come to our attention you’ve been viewing a softcore porn chat blog on your breaks.”

      “It’s a mommy blog! Honest! With dick jokes! Um, see that’s a joke because it’s really satirical political commentary, but it’s run by this woman who gets donations…”

      “Uh huh.. Clean out your desk.”

    • pianoplayer1

      Plus, Gov. Bentley.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Can’t they just ask the kids, and be done with it?

    • pianoplayer1

      He has threatened and brainwashed them.

  • Randy Riddle

    This like the Manson trial with manboobs and chili.

    • Tio_Doidinho

      You forgot the biker meth!

  • harryr

    Inappropriate undressing is a symptom of several mental illnesses, including dementia and schizophrenia. Either is possible here.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Imma thinking in this case it’s just attention getting theatrics. NPD’s and Borderlines excel at this–usually to distract their audience and/or escape responsibility.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Of course Alex Jones has NPD, I wouldn’t believe that he didn’t have it for all the money in the world. It’s partly why he loves Trumpus- like attracts like. Hell, he’s probably trying to push for custody just to look like the tough ‘alpha dad’ for his audience. I’ll bet half the time he can’t even remember his kids names because it doesn’t involve himself to know them. Again, just like Trump…

    • dshwa

      Like repels like, except on psych.

      Dating wisdom from healthcare.

    • He is likely vying for custody so he doesn’t have to pay that backstabbin wife of his any child support.
      THAT sounds plausible.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Oh yeah. He does this all for money. No way will he want to part with a cent.

    • C4TWOMAN

      It literally explains everything–ever conspiracy he’s pushed, why he can boldly lie his ass off, then lie about ever lying in the first place, and never appear bothered that for every batch of new followers he gets he loses the loyalty and trust of the old ones who see what a liar he is. As long as the money is rolling in he doesn’t care what people think of him.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    When will Jones start screaming “Never get off the boat! Never get off the boat!” in court?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4dFDBYWuTc

  • Lambsendbeds

    Jones is fighting to RETAIN custody of his children. How the everloving fuck did he ever GET primary custody of them in the first place?

    • C4TWOMAN

      This is a good question. At first I was going to say something snarky about how being a DNA contributor automatically grants people the right to raise children. Then I realized he was already divorced and that decision dates from that time.
      He was probably able to act like a normal human long enough to point to his mulitmillion dollar industry as proof he had more resources than his ex.

      • Wee Mousie

        And naturally no one thought to examine his mental resources. Must have been a Retuglican judge.

    • Keith Taylor

      I would like to think for the kids’ sake that he isn’t really their father and that his wife had the good sense to conceive them behind his back with someone smart, sensitive and considerate. I mean, cripes. Who’d wish Alex Jones’s genetic heritage on anybody?

  • Scooby

    Yes, but how do we know it’s not his performance art take on someone more sane than he is?

  • canes_pugnaces

    We are in the age of Trump, which is the same as being collectively trapped in the brain of a drug-addled and unemployed truck driver in Shady Grove, West Virginia.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I might know that guy, if he were from Shady Springs, WV.

    • Keith Taylor

      And surrounded by a large crowd of noisy people who thunder the earth is flat, relativity was a Jewish Masonic conspiracy, evolution theory is a fraudulent excuse for atheism, freedom is slavery, love is hate, and nobody really has Christian religious faith if he or she believes the Crusades were a bad thing.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    I used to think there was something to theory that Alex Jones was Bill Hicks, but now I just believe Alex Jones ate Bill Hicks

    • phoenix00

      Bill Hicks must have been one heckova large bowl of chili

  • cessnadriver

    I do wish there was a chili recipe that would make me forget that some Americans are stupid enough to fall for trumpita’s bullshit.

    • davidhollenshead

      There is, but you’ll probably have to purchase rat poison, as it’s not typically found in most kitchens.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    PSA: Don’t ever let anyone tell you that a sidewalk covered with magnolia petals is safe. It is as slick as greased ice.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Ha. Buddy’s client escaped from a county jail. Always fun trying to explain that bullshit to a judge.

  • Incoming “/FFS” Ham

    He will never let go of his vitamin empire. She’ll have to pry it from his cold sticky fingers.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    What kind of drugs do you have to do to turn out like that?

    • i’mjustaskingthequestion

      You realize you have just insulted all drug-users, don’t you?

      • BreakingDeadMen

        No, I’m complimenting them, they aren’t like him.

        • ahughes798

          He acts like he’s on steroids. And Meth.

          • davidhollenshead

            Agreed.

          • Tio_Doidinho

            Most definitely, a strong whiff of steroids n’ meth.

          • pianoplayer1

            He is too hefty to be on meth

          • ahughes798

            There are plenty of meth heads that are really heavy.

          • BreakingDeadMen

            I think that’s the combo. Speedball from Hell.

  • the chemtrails the FBI and the CIA and Barack Obama put into Jones’s B-hole

    Wait, are you telling me Jones has both an A-hole AND a B-hole?!?

  • lageorgia

    how do we know he didn’t whip his weenie out? It must be so small that no one would notice

    • ahughes798

      He for SURE hasn’t been able to see it in a while.

  • Cranky Man

    This is 2017, USA. This person makes a fuck ton of money. Wrap your head around that if can.

    • HooverVilles

      Yep, worshippers of mammon.
      Anything, repeat anything to make money is ok, just one condition : IOKIYAR! Only if you’re a Republican.

      • Keith Taylor

        Didn’t some ridiculous character from some no-account hick town (“Can any good thing come out of Nazareth?”) say that you cannot serve God and Mammon? On the other hand we have the word of models of decent, honourable behaviour like Jim Bakker and Pat Robertson that God approves of people being rich. If that Nazarene fellow came back now and went around doing and saying the same things he did in Tiberius Caesar’s day, the above would be among the first to condemn him. Not the very first. That’d be Donald Trump. Especially on the grounds that, “What, he blasphemously claims to be God Incarnate? Deport him! He’s not. I am. Bigly.”

    • freakishlypersistent

      And the POTUS is a big fan! Thanks, Republicans!

      • Keith Taylor

        Not to mention (although I’m about to) that the President (cough, gag, retch) also likes Bill O’Reilly. Why is the orange man drawn to people who manifestly should not be around children? Baffling.

        • Mike Steele

          Also a YOOOGE fan of dictators: Put in, Duterte, Sisi, Recep Erdogan, etc.
          Teeny weeny weenie syndrome, no doubt.

      • phoenix00

        Birds of deplorable feathers, flock together.

    • phoenix00

      “Fools and their money are easily repeatedly parted.”

      Do I win anything?

    • Bongstar420

      Yes…Capitalism rewarding the fully qualified.

      Its wonderous!

      • mardam422

        If there is a more damning indictment of the capitalist system, I hope I don’t live to see it.

    • jerrrrrrrricho

      And has the ear of the POTUS.

      USA! USA! USA!

  • Bemused Australian

    The lack of impulse control suggests some kind of frontal lobe anomaly. Probably a side effect of removing the UN mind control device with an electric drill.

  • Jo Mathie

    “The return of man is here.” Women promptly return “man” back to sender.

    • RandomNameAllocated

      Only if you have a valid receipt and its within 90 days. Otherwise eBay.

  • phoenix00

    I should try eating a large bowl of chili. You know, for science.

    • mardam422

      Have to take your shirt off first. Oh, pics…and pics.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I did that but couldn’t remember anything about it.

      • phoenix00

        I better remember to get back to work…..

  • Bemused Australian

    Maybe he just misses hanging out with Charlie Sheen.

  • SeeTrain65

    Old, dumb and full of scum.

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    After you fuck up family therapy, is there family therapy therapy for the therapist?

  • LouRod

    fat fuk!!!!!!!!

  • Raan

    I just dropped in to say, Oxford comma.

  • crabbychic

    I hope they ask that fat piece of shit if Sandy Hook was real. Get him on the record in a court of law. He should not be allowed around ANY children, including his own. Fat sack of crap.

    • Jo Mathie

      oh I hope that happens (it won’t). But come on Trump idiots, you are literally going to have no-one left at at the left media at this point. It would be funny if it wasn’t a bit WW3

  • Maybe

    I think the big bowl of chili defense trumps even the Twinkie Defense.

    Though at least with the Twinkie Defense we weren’t under threat of seeing Jones’ twinkie.

  • crazymonkeylady

    I would have him committed for life. Some person had kids with this nut case? She be crazy as hell too. Poor kids.

  • Michael Pietrobono

    Yup in the end “give us money”. LMAO!
    Alex is great and has made public much of the government’s shenanigans that taxpayers unknowingly fund. Alex has woken up millions of people and it is undisputable. The fact you are covering him says it all.
    “Give us money”. Yeah. Right. LMAO!

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