It’s a day in the Trump administration, which means it’s as good a time as any to fuck something up. Lucky for the White House, today is the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, which was SO FUN during the Obama years. Thousands of kiddies would join Beyoncé and Michelle Obama and President Bamz, who would read Where The Wild Things Are and make monster faces at them, and they would eat some ham probably, and then do the dumb thing where they roll Easter eggs, instead of just hunting for them. Whatever. It was great.
But now a new administration is in town, and it is bad at everything. Also, it does not seem to understand that, on top of all the fun things about presidenting, like MAKE BOMB GO BOOM, it is also supposed to continue longstanding traditions like the egg roll doohickey event. We’ve already heard the stories about how oopsie, they kind of didn’t even start planning this event until two weeks ago, since Melania Trump, who is theoretically first lady but lives in Manhattan, isn’t doing shit and the East Wing isn’t staffed.
But look, it’s fine. They pulled it together, Melania picked FOUR DIFFERENT COLOR EGGS, and also gold eggs, because it wouldn’t be a Trump event if there wasn’t a tacky gold thing. Can you imagine picking four different colors, for eggs? Melania Trump can, because she did it.
To get an idea of how much joy is being spread to children young and old at today’s event, here is Attorney General Jeff Sessions, reading the book It’s Not Easy Being A Bunny to some kids, but then stopping to tell the kids Donald Trump was walking out on the balcony. Oh look! There he is! And also there is Melon Trump! And SOMEBODY is dressed up as the Easter Bunny! Is it Sean Spicer? No, that is Sean Spicer’s OLD job. Now he lies for the president and talks about how Hitler’s Six Flags Over The Holocaust Centers weren’t as bad as what the Syrian president, Bessie Al-Bashir or whatever his name is, does to his people.
Is the Easter bunny Jared Kushner? Is it Satan incarnate AKA President Bannon? IT IS A MYSTERY!
— Tommy Christopher (@tommyxtopher) April 17, 2017
Then a military lady sang the national anthem, and Melania had to subtly smack her husband to remind him to put his hand on his heart, because that is a thing you do when somebody is singing the national anthem:
Melania appears to nudge President Trump to remind him to put his hand over his heart during the national anthem pic.twitter.com/4YR1iZyLlJ
— Bradd Jaffy (@BraddJaffy) April 17, 2017
Then Trump addressed the crowd and said he will make Easter Egg Rolls great again. For real, he was actually talking about how he’s really getting the country back on track, right on schedule, flanked by the Easter Bunny, while he talked to children. Then Melania Trump said thanks for coming or whatever, and then they went back in the palace.
“We’re right on track. You see what’s happening,” President Trump tells a crowd of children while standing with the Easter Bunny pic.twitter.com/cclnDyNxcm
— Bradd Jaffy (@BraddJaffy) April 17, 2017
A bit later, Trump sat and colored with some little girls or something. He probably didn’t think about how if they were a few years older, he might be dating them, but maybe he did:
This morning, Sean Spicer also read to the children. He read How To Catch The Easter Bunny! He did not accidentally deny the Holocaust for the children:
— CNN (@CNN) April 17, 2017
As we finish writing you this post, Melania Trump is reading a book written by celebrated author Kathie Lee Gifford. She’s doing fine, and she looks very pretty.
At some point Trump himself will “read” to the children, according to CNN. But what will he “read”? Penthouse letters? The Art Of The Deal? A special inspirational book penned for the occasion by the president himself, called Oh, The Pusses You Will Grab? No, silly, he will save that for when he does the commencement speech at Liberty University or whatever.
We guess we will just have to be patient and wait to find out what book the president will sound out for the children, if he even does it.
For now, we will leave you with a real president and a real first lady, reading Where The Wild Things Are, and pretend for a moment that things are not terrible:
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