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He’s a complicated man but no one understands him but his woman

A committee in the Alabama legislature begins hearings today into the possible impeachment of Gov. Robert Bentley, the state’s super-sexy ol’ governor who had an affair (he insists no actual bonage really occurred, you bet) with his top advisor, Rebekah Mason. Also some of the squickiest phone sex you’ve ever heard on cable news. An attorney for the state House committee investigating possible impeachment released a great big report Friday detailing all sorts of cheerful stuff about Bentley’s conduct, which was chivalrous, romantic, passionate, and accidentally synched to his wife’s iPad. Whoops!

How about some misuse of public resources in his attempts to cover up the affair? You betcha! Probably the most charming part of the report is the finding that, after Bentley found out his wife, Dianne, had recorded his phone calls with Mason, Bentley ordered the head of his security detail, Ray Lewis, to take care of breaking up with Mason for him, which strikes us as considerably more rude than breaking up by text:

That there is one classy guy. Also, we see what the paper meant when it said it reads like a cheap romance novel. Still: a better love story than Twilight.

Oh, and then there are the hot text messages, captured by Dianne Bentley thanks to the not-very-tech-savvy governor’s gift of an iPad — which was synced to his phone through “the cloud.” Bentley spent campaign funds on buying prepaid “burner” phones — hello, another likely impeachment count! — but habitually used his own phone, which means Dianne Bentley has a whole bunch of screengrabs of Mason reminding the governor to get the hell off his iPhone and to use his “private Rebekah phone” instead. Bentley was asked by the House committee to turn over a list of his phones, but he didn’t comply with that request. Heck of a guy!

Oh, but what a romantic! Some samples!

Awww, what a couple of sweet kids. This next one at first sounds like the start of a fantasy that will end up involving a coconut bra, but sadly, “you are on a deserted island” is just a metaphor for how alone Bentley is, the poor sad governor. But he’s sure quick to try to take it in that direction!

To our great relief, if that fantasy went any further, we don’t have a copy. And finally, the best of the bunch, which left Rachel Maddow giggling at the end of her Friday show:

After seeing that exchange while playing a video game online with a friend, Kid Zoom announced, “OK, that’s it. My new Battle Cry is now officially ‘Bless our hearts and other parts.'”

How bad was Robert Bentley at carrying on a secret affair? At one point, he sent a text to his wife’s phone reading “I love you, Rebekah.”

Oh, there’s more. There’s heroic staffer Heather Hannah, Dianne Bentley’s assistant, who helped the former First Lady catch her cheating husband by showing her how to capture the synced messages on her iPad. The governor suspected Hannah had tipped off Dianne Bentley; the report also details some seriously gross vandalism of Hannah’s car shortly after she gave a deposition to the Alabama Ethics Commission last year:

Within a few days of Hannah’s deposition, she believes on or about June 6, 2016, Hannah was outside of her new home watering plants when she heard what sounded like her bushes rustling. Unsure of the source of the noise, she walked to the front of her house where she noticed “scribbles” on the windows of her vehicle.

She stated that at the time she could tell the scribbles were some sort of writing, but she had difficulty reading it. She took photographs of the writing on her windows, and it showed up much clearer in the pictures.

On the windshield, someone had scrawled what looked like, “You will fucking die.” A week later, a rock was thrown through the window of of her home. No fingerprints or anything, but Ms. Hannah told the House investigator she “believed both incidents were related to her testimony.”

Look, we know that love makes people do stupid things. But Robert Bentley appears to have been one especially clumsy lover. One last example: In 2014, at a hotel in Washington DC, Bentley, thinking Rebekah Mason was at his door, opened the door of his room wearing only boxer shorts. The hotel staff probably got a heck of a surprise.

Gov. Bentley, through his lawyer, keeps insisting he’s done nothing illegal, and that the details in the report are inadmissible because they’re false, hearsay, and for all we know the result of alien hackers from ISIS. At this point, we’re hoping the impeachment committee includes an additional charge of Generally Being A Really Awful Boyfriend.

We’ll keep you updated.

THE IMPEACHMENT INVESTIGATION OF GOVERNOR ROBERT BENTLEY by WALA on Scribd

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[AL.com / Special Counsel Report / AL.com / AL.com / AL.com]

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  • Latverian Diplomat

    Thankfully, nobody told Bentley what the eggplant emoji really means.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Well, eggplant parm is off the menu now.

  • Lizzietish81
    • MynameisBlarney

      Geekasm’s are never OT.

    • janecita

      Needs more Idris Elba!

    • Blender_415

      Oh shit. This could be a fun one.

    • MizzMazz

      I like the 80’s style video graphics. Looking forward to this as well.

  • cheetojeebus

    Not that it’s germane, but a normal human being would fucking retreat to some cabin in the woods to live out his days carving walnuts to look like little squirrels. Walking in the woods, his shoes filled with pebbles and muttering all the time “you’re a fucking idiot”

  • MynameisBlarney

    What a goddamn dumb ass.

  • Indivisible Snark Tank

    One last example: In 2014, at a hotel in Washington DC, Bentley, thinking Rebekah Mason was at his door, opened the door of his room wearing only boxing shorts. The hotel staff probably got a heck of a surprise.

    I’ve seen that movie! The room service guy comes in, but protests about being there just to “deliver the pizza”….but boxers-guy doesn’t have any cash for the tip, and….

    • msanthropesmr

      Just the tip.

  • Mary Sandoras

    Is the wife still with him or did she kick him to the curb? Inquiring minds want to know.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      She kicked him hard.

  • goonemeritus

    I’m constantly amazed that people would want to talk to sanctimonious douche nozzles like the Governor much less naughty text them. Well as they say in the used car industry “there’s an ass for every seat”.

  • msanthropesmr

    Ladies and gentlemen, the party of religion, family values and apparently, stupidity.

    • Oxidation Suspenders

      …and technical ineptitude.

  • sorbs

    “Bless your hearts, and other parts, as long as you’re talkin’ about the parts you was borned with and not any of those re-assigned, gender-swapped parts.”

  • Ghenghis McCann

    Looking at the Governor, I’m reminded of a line from an old George Formby song,
    “Now, if women like them like men like those
    Why don’t women like me?”

  • msanthropesmr

    50 shades of Meh.

    • janecita

      50 shades of ewwwwww!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      It’s like Eroticism for Dick and Jane, but with less passion.

  • janecita

    Did Rebekah Mason’s husband divorce her? I’m too lazy to Google it:-) If I remember correctly, he was also employed by the good governor.

  • PubOption

    Does the Appalachian Trail go through Alabama?

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Gov. Bentley, through his lawyer, keeps insisting he’s done nothing illegal, and that the details in the report are inadmissible because they’re false, hearsay, and for all we know the result of alien hackers from ISIS.

    “Your honor, I object!”
    “Why?”
    “Because it’s devastating to my case!”

    • Ghenghis McCann

      “Objection overruled. I definitely saw it on the Internet, so it’s true.”

    • Mary Sandoras

      I think the “deep state” of derp made him do it.

  • msanthropesmr

    This will never be a lifetime movie of the week

    • Caepan

      To be made into a Lifetime movie of the week, it would have to be written from either the long-suffering wife’s point of view, or the plucky lobbyist/mistress who just wanted to get ahead in a man’s world.

      And with those texts, it’ll never make it on Cinemax After Dark. Not without a lot of moaning added in post production.

  • Zonath

    Crom, we pray to thee this fine morning that all gross misconduct by the political class will be uncovered as swiftly and covered up as ineptly as that of this moron. We especially beseech thee that certain morons in certain houses of certain colors be brought to swift and sure justice in similarly embarrassing manners.

    First Roy Moore and now this guy. WTF is wrong with Alabama?

    • janecita

      It is a red state.

      • Yellerduck

        Yes, and considering that, it’s a pretty staid affair.

    • It’s just living up to the state motto: Hold my beer, and watch this!

      • From Russia with Love

        Hold my dick, and watch this!

        FIFY

  • SweetDeeKat

    Thanks for the squick warning, as I was able to scroll down quickly without losing breakfast. I did catch “Magnetic” after “blessing other parts”, though. Magnets, how do they work?

    • therblig

      i’m surprised the fundies don’t use magnets to explain why same-sex unions don’t exist. but, i guess that would deny the existence of back-to-the-future hoverboards.

    • Yellerduck

      It has something to do with the moon, and tides and going in-and-out and in-and-out and no one knows why, but Mama’s got that squeezebox so Daddy never sleeps at night. Voila…magnetism.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Unsurprisingly, the basic physics that explains magnetism also explains how CO2 traps heat in the atmosphere. So … fake science.

    • Doug Langley
  • msanthropesmr

    Power is apparently more attractive than having a chin.

    • Nick Scroggs

      Nixon: Now, listen here, Bender. This war is in danger of going all quagmire on me, so I’m sending you on one last mission.

      Bender: Hot diggidy daffodil!

      Nixon: A mission of peace.

      Bender: [disappointed] Oh!

      Zapp: You’ll be negotiating with the aliens’ mysterious
      leaders, the Brain Balls. They’ve got a lot of brains and they’ve got a
      lot of kutzpa!

      Nixon: Accompanying you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissenger.

      [Kif wheels in Kissenger’s head in a jar.]

      Kissenger: How are you?

      Bender: Is he any good?

      Nixon: Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John’s bed. Nuff said!

      • msanthropesmr

        Bite my shiny metal ass.

        • Jennifer R

          I need some sort of implant so I too may say that.

    • BearGHAZI

      Have you NEVER wanted a warm jowl to nuzzle up against?

    • orygoon

      I’m a fairly political nerd but the “power” of the chief executive of Alabama stirs my loins not one whit.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Kind of the last guy you’d suspect of having an affair. Or a wife.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      He looks more like Cecil Turtle than Mitch McConnell…How is that even possible?

    • From Russia with Love

      Maybe a wife. In the crawlspace.

  • goonemeritus

    Looking at the Governors picture I think we can all see how irresistible he is to the opposite sex. It must be a terrific burden to be cursed with so much animal magnetism.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Yes, it is.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
  • Lance Thrustwell

    You know, I really wish these cheating politicians would not use government money, employees, etc. to enable their affairs. Because this should be no one’s business but their own, their spouses’, and so forth. But nooo! When they spend public money, now it’s the public’s business. Yecchh.

  • msanthropesmr

    Yeah, yah, so he was doing a woman not his wife. What I wanna know is how is he on keeping the black vote surpressed.

  • DesertedPictures

    Maybe I missed something: but why would the governor be impeached for this? It all seems quite consensual and although asking an employee to break up with someone is cowardly, is that really such a misuse of resources?

    • Nick Scroggs

      Using campaign funds and security detail for private use

      • DesertedPictures

        Okay: fair enough. But if this wasn’t about sex, no one would have cared about an extra expenditure for a phone.

        • Jennifer R

          If he had only spent 30 bucks illegally no one would have ever found out. He spent tens of thousands at least to cover this up, ignoring the costs of the false crime he reported and forced an investigation of. Regardless of what it was about, at that point his goose was cooked.

          • DesertedPictures

            I hadn’t read all that much about the case before today. I only saw this article here about it and it’s mostly about the sex-stuff, not about the corruption.

          • Nick Scroggs

            Befor.

          • Jennifer R

            Yeah, it has been flying around a while and I caught whiff of it again on Thursday or so. It’s really funny/sad. Funny because well duh, and sad because this fuck and people exactly like him are in charge.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Well, he also fired an individual who tried to warn him that misuse of state or campaign money was a crime, then tried to frame that person as corrupt (the Alabama AG investigated and found no corruption).

      • DesertedPictures

        Well: that does get my outrage boiling!

        • Nick Scroggs

          Okay, are you just a concern troll or something?

          • DesertedPictures

            How do you figure? Because I’m not going to jump to the troath of someone because he had an affair?

          • Jennifer R

            Your post was worded poorly. It sounded like you simply didn’t care that he spent tens of thousands of dollars of money that wasn’t his to spend, or that he had initiated a costly investigation on the person trying to get him to chill out.

          • Nick Scroggs

            true + oath = troath?

          • Jennifer R

            He was going for throat, but his ESL is showing.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Really?

      Where were you when Bill Clinton was impeached for receiving a blow-job?

  • memzilla Ω

    O/T: Happy Passover, Jewishes! Since I’m goyische, I celebrate it as the anniversary of the World’s Worst Military Order: “Forward, men, into the temporarily dry sea!”
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/886400c4138760149b5367379d98b5cd9f8f5504547b64a7bc82ea908a3272c1.jpg

    • Ducksworthy

      Worst up until W. invaded Iraq.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Worst so far. Little Donnie tells us he knows more than the generals.

    • Michael Smith

      “Do you think that water will hold? It doesn’t look sustainable.”

      “What could go wrong? Its worth a try.”

  • Ducksworthy

    I just hope they didn’t involve Republican Jesus in their sexual antics.

  • Michael R

    This needs a nauseating soundtrack …

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBYV_7a0FQs

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Muskrat libelz!

  • Crystalclear12

    Republicans in love.

    The saddest kind of love

    • Vincent Ricola

      With the creepiest kind of “sexy” talk.

      *shudder*

    • From Russia with Love

      Being a Republican in love means never having to say “I’m sorry.”

      Just have Jesus fix it.

  • exinkwretch

    I’m sure it was just prayer meetings and the “laying on of hands” was entirely Jesus-y. Fake news!

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Just finished listening to Trump’s speech welcoming Gorsuch.
    https://media.giphy.com/media/dOl2LFw0RbTMc/giphy.gif

  • janecita
  • Ducksworthy

    Don Siegleman still in jail?

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Good lord, I just looked up Rebekah Mason – she’s thirty years younger! And not bad looking! Meanwhile, he looks like a cross between Montgomery Burns and Bernard Goetz.

    The world is a strange place.

    • C4TWOMAN

      He’s got a certain “je n’ais ce quoi” …

      By which we literally mean “WTF?”

  • memzilla Ω

    Man, these are things you’d pay Russian hackers to take off of your computer.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    It’s hard to figure out if this is yawn- or vomit-inducing. Can both be done at once?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      In Technicolor!

      • From Russia with Love

        Upps. Sorry.

    • From Russia with Love

      Yes, it’s called a Technicolor yawn.

    • Pat_Pending

      Yeah, as long as your mouth is open you may as well puke…

  • DesertedPictures

    I don’t anything about this Rebekah Mason: but I do feel a lot of symphaty for her. Because I bet she will be the one who will suffer the consequences of this affair, far longer then he does.

    Besides: that was a really shitty way to break up with someone.

  • Crystalclear12

    Proof that anyone can get laid.

    • BearGHAZI

      Until there’s solid evidence James O’Keefe gets laid, I just don’t know

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        Tucker Carlson also too.

        • Pat_Pending

          And Alex Jones. I suspect he’d explode like that head in Scanners if he ever had an orgasm.

      • Wild Cat

        He did try to rape a black self-genocidal loon once . . .

  • Wild Cat

    Mason? She draws a tight, seductive rope around a GOP Klansman’s dick, a tight, sexy rope.

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Can Ms Mason be charged with totally bad taste in choosing attractive lovers?

    • Wild Cat

      $467,000 a year to do nothing is pretty good choosin’ for her, I guess.

      • tapp_my_wire,please

        OK. She must have had to perform some ‘duties’ that exceeded her personal statute of limitations.

        • Wild Cat

          Diapering? I dunno. They’re all psychotic.

          • tapp_my_wire,please

            Yet a working girl in my town would be up for solicitation charges.

          • Wild Cat

            I’m a masochistic whore at my job, but I get paid less. I’d love to get her position, sans iPad . . . ;-)

      • Thaumaturgist

        But she did quite a bit. Folks in Montgomery called her “the acting governor.” BTW she was a lobbyist.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          So…. the Governor was in bed with Big Lobby?

    • From Russia with Love

      Seriously, how do these skeezemops manage to be fucking more than one woman at a time?

      • Wild Cat

        Their sexual tastes tend not to be genitally based. Republican sex usually involves humiliation, pain, shame.

        It may be why they have a fetish for “reproduction.”

  • From Russia with Love

    Gosh, those text messages have it all, don’t they? Except maybe a Brando voice saying “Don’t forget the butter.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Leave the texts, keep the cannoli.”

  • TS Idiot

    Normally I believe whatever happens behind closed doors personally between consenting adults is their and their families’ own damn business, but fuck this fucking guy. Family Values hypocrites can suck it. And by it, I mean my throbbing, veiny schlong.

    • calliecallie

      Behind closed doors is fine, as long as they’re not using taxpayer dollars to facilitate their affair or its cover up.

      • TS Idiot

        And let’s not forget intimidate and harass employees with death threats…

        • Jennifer R

          Or firing an employee and triggering a false corruption investigation on them, that ends up triggering the real investigation into you.

  • prommie

    Sweet home Alabama, where the skies are so blue, and the Governor’s true

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Watergate does not bother me. Does your conscience bother you?”

      I don’t know what Lynyrd Skynyrd was thinking with that line. Dumb crackers.

      • jodyleek

        They just couldn’t find any thing to rhyme with IOKIYAR.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        They just loved ’em some segregation. Southern culture and all that.

      • Pat_Pending

        They just had some good guitarists, but they wuz stoopid. I’d rather listen to Neil Young anyway.

  • memzilla Ω

    BREAKING: Bentley Orders Missile Strike On Florida To Divert Attention From Scandal

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Robert Bentley is obviously not the sharpest spoon in the drawer. Perhaps he should compare notes with Devin Nunes?

  • arglebargle

    How Stupid is This Dumb Asshole?

    • MynameisBlarney

      Very.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I’m so tired of all this winning.

    • aureolaborealis

      Yes.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Horndog! Horndog! Watchoo gon’ do? Watchoo gon’ do when they bless your parts?…

  • calliecallie

    Yeah, with or without impeachment, that guy’s wife is so going to divorce him.

    • exinkwretch

      She already did.

  • Randy Riddle

    It’s too bad that Andy Griffith isn’t still with us to play Bentley in the tv movie.

  • C4TWOMAN

    Worst. Soap Opera. Ever.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      The Old and the Reprehensible

  • WeaselPoo

    I fail to see how any of this could be an “embarrassment to the State of Alabama”

    • Jennifer R

      Hard to be embarrassed when you have no shame left to lose.

      • WeaselPoo

        Indeed.

    • Wild Cat

      Well, Bear Bryant did have a thing for hash marks, so anything goes down there . . .

    • HooverVilles

      Or Kentucky, or the Carolinas, or

    • Msgr_MΩment

      And to think, they had the rest of the Union to help them along….

  • marxalot

    Mensch, if Generally Being A Really Awful Boyfriend were a prosecutable offense, I would know a lot of jailbirds and college-age women would lead much fuller lives.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    I’m fascinated that this is how other couples might chat with each other. My girlfriend and I just send each other lewd texts interspersed with dog gifs.

  • “Oh hey, this incredibly awkward break-up is well-timed because I’m going to Gulf Shores next week” is the most Alabama thing ever.

    • WeaselPoo

      Sanford was hogging the Appalachian Trail again, no doubt.

  • William
  • Nockular cavity

    Could we have their texts all illustrated with these guys? Because that would make it more properly vomit-inducing.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f4fece9d93f9ffa2f9cbf0f1169403ec0ee39159385c2ea127e17c3e2e1c304e.jpg

  • Wild Cat

    If only Diane has the Syrian Chicken recipe; their marriage may have been saved from this hussy . . .

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    My blood sugar went up reading those texts. Then my blood pressure at Republican hypocrisy.

  • William
  • jodyleek

    Dude looks like Mr. Burns. Rebekah Mason is not a terrible looking lady. I don’t get it. Does he have a magic tongue or something?

    • Jennifer R

      Probably career advancement. Blow the old man get/keep your job. Plus you build up evidence for later.

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        Classic power move, yep. Or she really likes to get her freak on (not judging, mind).

      • Thaumaturgist

        She was a lobbyist. She got control of state government. Gave her husband a state job. Raised his pay to $97,000. She got $ 450,000 a year from open sources.

        • Jennifer R

          Like The Offspring said The truth about the world is that crime does pay.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Greed is good.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Being around a set group of people for prolonged periods of time, and having no better options, tends to do terrible things to your standards.

      … not that I’d know, of course.

  • Chadwells
    • Anna Rompage

      What, to good Governor was having an affair with someone half his age?
      Color me shocked!

      • Chadwells

        Lol! Yeah..that too.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Need to pan out. Does she have a white cane?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      She available now?
      Asking for a friend.

  • Parakeetist

    OT but holy shit: Chechnya now has a concentration camp for gay people.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4397118/Chechnya-opens-concentration-camp-homosexuals.html

    • MynameisBlarney

      Fuckin’ hell.
      That’s horrible!

    • Nick Scroggs

      One, I’m thinking of how it seems every regime out there has one point or another seen gays people as threats to round up. Nazi Germany, Soviets under Stalin, even Cold War United States (see the Lavender Scare). What is it, some kind of genetic memory in autocrats or something that burrows into their brains?

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        We’re the perfect target: Different enough to seem alien, but numerous enough that one can at least imagine bumping into us (and, I don’t know what the fear is… acquiring a predilection for Butt Stuff by osmosis?!?) Yet still not numerous enough to cost a demagogue an election.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      You know who else……
      Damnit, they fucked up the internet.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Apparently Razman Kadyrov, the president of Chechnya, is a real bastard whom Putin lets get away with anything because Kadyrov is loyal and sits on the local separatists.

  • BearGHAZI

    My dear, sweet, funny, wonderful Wonket. I want so much to touch you. I am yours forever. I will dream of you.

    … can I have a job please?

    • Doug Langley

      Can you type?

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I think Bear’s more a hunt ‘n’ pecker.

      • doktorzoom

        Believe me, that’s barely a requirement, as I prove daily.

  • Idiokraticdrumpfenjugend

    The Guv’nor’s dickson crossed the Mason line.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Moar upfists!

  • Anna Rompage

    Nobody has ever accused Robert Bentley of being a smart man, a decent man, or a faithful man…

    Bless his heart, and his other bits too…

    • Michael R

      I think it was in the 1970’s someone did a cartoon of a fly eating a candy bar called ” Bit O Shit ” , strangely I have never seen it posted to the interwebs !!!
      Can anyone help me out on this ?

  • Rick Hill

    My last job, a guy there was from Ky. He went home and met up with a woman who used to be his girlfriend. She had a kid by him as well as another. He never saw the kid because she told him she was pregnant, he went out for smokes and never came back.(Literally). Any rate, ff, they hooked back up, she moved here, didn’t like it, went back to Ky, some type of drama ensued, she threw large rocks though his wind shield and various portions of his car. My old boss called that the Ky courtship ritual. So, this is perfectly normal behavior, in this article

    • Wild Cat

      So Krazy Kat was NOT fiction?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Two girls in my office got into a fight over a guy. One girl set the other girl’s car on fire.

  • William
  • Picabo

    Update. “Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley expected to resign this week”
    http://www.al.com/news/montgomery/index.ssf/2017/04/alabama_gov_robert_bentley.html#incart_breaking

  • William
  • Chadwells
    • Grokenstein

      Is that Actual unPresident Swamp, or Cardboard Standee unPresident Swamp?

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Just whose parts are getting blessed in this picture?

  • MynameisBlarney

    Today in “That’s gonna leave a mark!” News!

    https://twitter.com/PhineasTGage/status/851245669675302912

    • Lance Thrustwell

      What haven’t I seen yet? Aside from unicorns riding unicycles around Uniontown?

      I don’t get it. What is he driving at? I never was the shiniest frog in the blender.

      • Kiri the Unicorn
        • Nancyjrios

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !dk375c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !dk375c:
          ➽➽
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs665DirectCrossGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!dk375c:….,…..

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            I could buy that ICBM I’ve always wanted!

      • Crank Tango

        Images of blown up shit? I dunno, but I haven’t seen any, not that I’ve been looking for anything besides pr0n.

  • orygoon

    I keep looking at headlines about him and getting him mixed up with Robert BENCHLEY, and hoping for a decent funny story.

  • OrG

    Obligatory: IOKIYAR.

  • Nick Scroggs

    And now, to continue on a thing I wrote in the comments of a yesterday article, another reason I got rid of my “legalized prostitution” idea was because it felt, like if enacted it would just work for the rich and leave the rest of us schmucks in the cold since they can’t afford it. Even if subsidized or something.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      It isn’t exactly expensive now. Why would it get more so, if legalized?

      • Lance Thrustwell

        How much extra do you have to pay for a risk-free, guilt-free experience with an emotionally and physically healthy adult woman working voluntarily and independently?

        • Antonin Dvorak

          Fair point, that would be far better for all parties. My larger point is I just don’t see it becoming prohibitively expensive.

      • Nick Scroggs

        Supply and demand, Republican economics, and uh, how do you know it’s not expensive now?

        • Antonin Dvorak

          It wouldn’t be as prevalent as it is down here in Florida if it weren’t cheap.

          • Nick Scroggs

            Also sounds like human trafficking to me. Or “Hustle and Flow.”

          • Antonin Dvorak

            Quite possible. Though almost every mugshot that gets published around here for soliciting is a 40 year old lady, I doubt there is a black market for that.

          • Nick Scroggs

            And to the Republican economics point, if sex were a legal commodity, I’m betting it’d wind up a highly stratified thing, since who would you sleep with, the person who can barely pay rent or the person who can afford five summer homes and a job on Wall Street?

          • Antonin Dvorak

            I suppose that is a possibility, but more remote than you think.

  • WeaselPoo

    Bentley: Rebekah, darling, I’m sorry, I love all your other parts forever, but we have been discovered, and we must end this.
    Rebekah: But wha? Bentley, wha? (sobbing)
    Bentley: Becaws….Alabama will be embarrassed about our illicit affayuh.
    Rebekah: Alabama? Will be embarrassed? Alabama?! have you seen its economic, health and education rankings? Yet it always votes Republican?
    Bentley: By golly you’re right Rebekah! NOTHING can embarrass Alabama—not even us. I love your other parts now more than evah!.
    Rebekah: Kiss me, you danged fool!

    Aaaannnnd…scene!

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Closing theme: Sweet Home Alabama.

      • Internet Hitler

        Freebird!

  • ryp

    They’re going to need to cast Ed Harris as Bentley in the HBO movie of this in order to make any of Mason’s gushing believable.

  • SterWonk

    No mention about whether or not he ran as a “family values” candidate?

    • Robert James Nugent

      Is there any other kind?

  • Grokenstein

    It’s too bad Henry Fonda and Katharine Hepburn aren’t around to do the movie version.

  • AmusedAmused

    What’s to investigate? You know how these things go. Gov. has probably already discussed this with his co-pilot, drinking buddy and business partner, Jesus of Nazareth, and Jesus has assured him that it’s all cool, because whatever happened is the fault of Hollywood, lieberals, Big Government and Hitlery Klintoon’s emails. If any government funds were misused, it’s Clinton’s fault, and also Satan. No reason a good, God-fearing Christian like Gov. Bentley should pay for the misdeeds perpetrated by the Prince of Darkness. Gov. Bentley is spending his time alternating between prayer and reconnecting with his wife, because he’s a husband, father, man of God and a good man. He realized his mistake. Who amongst us hasn’t inadvertently totally by accident had an affair? Bless his parts.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Needs moar Jeebus.

      • Pisto75666

        Moar Socialist Obama too, also.

        • theblackdog

          You mean Seekrit Mooslim Obama, comrade.

          • Pisto75666

            I stand corrected, comrade. My apologies*salutes*

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        Yeah! It’s probably gonna take a hell of lot more blessings to make Bentley’s junk appealing.

    • Farley Bot

      Angry “payback time” for extra points. And guns. Who forgets the guns?

    • lynchie

      You forgot Obama who is a known adulterer from Kenya

    • Pat_Pending

      I think they all crack under the pressure of being a man of God. ‘sides, it’s so fun being all dirty in the shadows and then feeling guilty in the light of day.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      SEE! This completely negates Pence’s fear of being alone with lady parts…unless he’s already used up his passes and we just don’t know it.

  • Jenny

    Ugh those texts are very sad. Unhappy marriages for the lose.

  • Jgb979

    One of the few things one can almost always count on with Rich White family values conservatives.

    1. They’re engaging in some barely concealed extramarital affair.
    2. They’re embarrassingly terrible with technology.

    I bet he’s signed up for one family iCloud plan due to cheapness and had no idea how permanent things on the internet are now

    • Pisto75666

      You forgot 3. (which isn’t relevant to the story but, still counts) they get REALLY pissed off about teh gays and all their icky sex stuff.

  • He’s got kind of a Mr. Mackey thing going on, mmmkay?

  • Tonight on the O’Reilly factor, host Bill interviews President Trump about the conspiracy to convict Governor Bentley. President Trump and special guest Justice Thomas explain why this is just normal behavior in today’s society.

    • wait! what?

      #pubesonthecokecanmeaniloveyou

  • Internet Hitler

    It is to laugh.
    Was it Bent-lee hissownself who was a-creepin’ in the bushes? And a-throwin’ rocks at winders just like that other Southern Romeo, Ernest T. Bass?

  • Bitter Scribe

    Oh God, too fucking funny. Just what I needed after that rage-inducing article by FDF about the Georgia woman being prosecuted for helping people vote.

  • Internet Hitler

    CNN: Ms. Mason, you ended a text conversation with the governor with the words “and other parts.” What parts were you texting about?
    Mason: All of them, Katie!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    How’d all those “I’m forever yourses” ever work out for those spunky star-crossed youngsters? Is romance still alive, perchance? Or was it a bottle of poison again? Shakespeare does soooo keep me on the edge of my seat.

  • Crank Tango

    Apple is the worst. I got a new iphern and it did this to me, nothing to be worried about, just I didn’t want to see my text messages all over my computer screen.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Romantic love is a social construct. Discuss.

  • Shibusa

    It surely comes as a surprise to no one that Robert Bentley appears to have been one especially clumsy lover.

  • reelreeler

    As a decades-ago veteran of alimony payments, it’s memorable to read the adultery messages, and to read of how it turned into the inevitable messy shit storm. As icing on the cake, to see a family-values politician caught up in it warms the cockles of my heart.

  • Pisto75666

    Amazing how politicians can get all kinds of things accomplished…get bridges built, roads cleared. But keeping dirty texts and pictures off their phones is downright impossible!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    “Bless Our Hearts..And Other Parts”

    Looks like Bentley’s got the title for his autobio.

    • Pisto75666

      The hottest new read for the summer!

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Stupid libturd moranz, it’s only scandalous if it involves multiple Consenting Adult Wangs. You get 3 free passes for underage rent boys, and unlimited trespass with Gawd’s Babby Vessels on account of they aren’t people anyway!!1!

    • puredog

      Democrat wangs R skandalus 2.

  • Dude cheats on his wife, says all that love you passion stuff and then sends a staffer to break it off with her when his wife finds out?
    WHUT

  • cvryder2000

    Not only was Rachel giggling at the end of the show, but I distinctly heard coughing and GAGGING offscreen! I was dying laughing myself.

  • puredog

    You could almost use “How Stupid is This Dumb Asshole” up and down the Wonkagenda today.

  • Pat_Pending

    Love me some old man sexting. Now, I must go kill myself.

  • doggiedaddy

    It almost puts the John Edwards thang in a dim light.
    Almost.

    Editors note:
    Needs more old man in boxers if you want to sell this to Lifetime.

  • Bren

    A prime candidate for one of the 500+ post President Pussy Grabber has yet to nominate someone for. He’s got the potential for a sparkling future, maybe even as a surrogate to stand in for interviews on Bill O’s show.

  • John Norris

    If South Carolina is an indicator, this Republican governor will soon be elected to the US House of Representatives.

  • twinkie223

    Family values.

  • Shibusa

    Speaking of Alabama…anybody listening to the S-town podcast? It’s good!

  • Amy

    No man talks the way he did unless they are doing some serious porking.

    • ahughes798

      I would be kind of skeeved out if Mr. 798 said some of those things.

  • Sir Ergot of Rye

    I’m straight but I can see how it would be almost impossible to resist a sexy Adonis like that.

  • Flashman

    For sale: Two iPads, one slightly semen-encrusted, the other with a bullet hole through it.

  • The Librarian

    The only person that gets my sympathy is the wife. Dude, if you want playtime with your mistress, get a divorce. Oh, no divorce? Family values? Lol, lol, lol, lol, lulz

  • Bentley hit the road in Alabama to show his citizens what a wonderful, fine Christian man he is and how everybody is telling LIES.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fuet7GRv7Bo

  • TundraGrifter

    “A week later, a rock was thrown through the window of of her home.”

    Amateur. Pros always use a block of ice.

  • Flashman

    Personally, I blame gay marriage for this.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Does “bless our hearts and other parts” mean we can’t tell peen jokes anymore?

    • JustDon’tSayKingLeo

      I think it means we tell more peen jokes. Also too, dick jokes.

      • ahughes798

        I think peen is one of my favorite words of this young century.

        • JustDon’tSayKingLeo

          Though it does kinda bring an uncomfortable visual to the words “ball-peen hammer”

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      I think it just means we say GESUNDHEIT when you are finished in the bunk…?

  • chascates

    First he said the gambling interests put out this ‘adultery’ nonsense because he was against them. Then he said the communications were just friendly banter with a long-time coworker. Then he said it did in fact commit adultery but he didn’t break any laws.
    The family values people always blame everyone else until there isn’t anyone else to blame but themselves.

    • Caepan

      Then they clame that they “prayed”, and that “God” “forgives” them.

      Not mentioned – violating two of those precious Commandments that they insist on putting on plaques in public spaces to remind others – not themselves, of course – of how “God’s” laws supercede “man’s” laws. You know… the ones that will get Bentley impeached and hopefully some hard time in a bad boy Alabama prison?

  • CATMAN

    It’s an old piece of advice from a divorce lawyer–“Never write a love letter because they sound so silly when they are read in court”

    • Sitkajo

      Having recieved such a letter myself, they can also sound pretty weird to your true love. Not that I would ever tell her that…but yea.

  • Sitkajo

    HE should be impeach on the grounds of being dumb and tacky as well.

  • aureolaborealis

    This just popped into my head while reading this. I am not knowing why.

    https://youtu.be/HKAsnFna6f8

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    The leaders of today’s GOP are truly inspiring! Always adhering to the highest moral and ethical standards.

    https://twitter.com/rudepundit/status/851489455269695488

    • Vel Venturi

      Keeping marriage sacred! Doing quite the bang-up job, too.

      • brucej

        See there’s a simple explanation, they’re all just slightly dyslexic. They’re “keeping marriage scared” you see…

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    love makes stupid things.

    The Kilngon version of “accidents cause people”?

    • doktorzoom

      My brain definitely typed “love makes people do stupid things” but my fingers didn’t. Fixed, thanks!

    • guppy06

      “Stupid love is stupid absolutely.”

  • timpundit

    It’s no “Hike on the Appalachian Trail” but it’ll make a unique kind of Harlequin romance.

    • nightmoth

      “Bobby and the Bone Mason”

  • MamaBrown

    As Keith Olbermann would say “the Luv Guv”. These guys are all 15 years old inside, aren’t they?

    • nightmoth

      Really! “You hang up.” “No, you hang up first.” “No, you hang up first.”
      Mom: “Bobby—GET OFF THE PHONE!”

  • VirginiaLady

    This was a better love story than Twilight? Not sure.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    Rebekah Mason should have just gotten herself a Bentley Love Doll for those lonely times without him.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d741ba2bee62934035b8e981dd3166931972efa902ef9c811f3980b51a48ed5d.jpg

  • Edith Prickly

    Old-man clown face and lack of technological prowess, would not bang.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “Count your blessings”

    ONE
    FOR MY PEEN

    OH WAIT, TWO
    BLESS YOUR VADGE TOO

    • guppy06

      Vadge? This is Alabama! I’m sure saddlebacking works as well for avoiding adultery as it does for fornication!

  • whitroth

    He didn’t even go hiking the Appalachian Trail!

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Breaking news: Bentley to resign in exchange for starring in next season’s ‘The Bachelor’

    • miss_grundy

      For a moment I thought you were going to write “The Apprentice”.

  • Dolmance

    Somewhere a Republican weeps tears of bitter regret, for what could have been, if only.

    And beating his meat.

  • Foocatchoo

    “He’s SO SEXY” – Mike Pence

    • Me not sure

      Pence won’t go in a room where both Bentley and alcohol are present at the same time unless his wife is with him. The problem is he doesn’t trust his wife in the same room with that obvious “sex mochine”.

      • Foocatchoo

        Or himself..’cause he has secret man-desires…shhhhh!

  • Me not sure

    DONE! Bentley resigned.

  • JParkerSD46

    Pretty squinchy texts, for sure. Still, what you will never get to un-hear starting at 2:25 from John Oliver’s show will make those texts seem like the script for the next Disney princess movie. You’re welcome. P.S. haha, enjoy your “retirement”, you disgusting old shithead. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZzY5phG75g

    • JasmineStarlight

      Lolol

    • miss_grundy

      No wonder Billo took up writing his version of non-fiction because he sucks at fiction. Yuck!

      • JasmineStarlight

        How AWFUL was that writing and delivery. Wonder how many books he sold~ bet, he couldn’t give one away.

  • Talis

    Did Bentley hike with Sanford?
    1-666-SEXY GOV only $5.99 per minute.

    • guppy06

      Nah, he went with domestic instead of foreign.

      Thankfully he didn’t go with the domestic servant, which is generally an Alabama Tradition™.

  • Yr. Gma

    So he resigned? Where’s the update?

  • JasmineStarlight

    Damn, that was so funny!

  • tehbaddr

    Eeeeewwww! Boring and loathsome!

  • I didn’t know “In Birmingham they love the Governor” was meant in THAT sense.

  • Phoebequeen

    Oooh my. I am not hungry anymore.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Bless our hearts… and other parts.”

    This didn’t win a Pulitzer?

    • dshwa

      Noonan’s win relegated the Pulitzer to an MTV Movie Award status for eternity.

  • Panika MCD

    I hope we get some fan-fic of this by Saturday.

  • pixeloid

    Ugh! Those texts are truly vomit inducing. Don’t know if I can handle lunch right now.

  • guppy06

    captured by Dianne Bentley thanks to the not-very-tech-savvy governor’s gift of an iPad

    “An iPad?” He won a Wonkette “Caption” Contest?

  • guppy06

    And as for the sexts, I was writing better by the time I was 19, I think…

  • Zyxomma

    Is this why Birmingham is known as the Magic City?

  • persistently_resistant_gayby

    Oh god – if I ever EVER get a tattoo – it WILL contain the phrase “Bless our hearts and other parts”.

    IT MUST.

  • phoenix00

    So Bill Clinton got to keep his job despite affair, and Robert Bentley loses his. UNFAIR!

    (Actually no, Bentley’s a bumbling fool and A Idiot)

    • TSD

      He used government money for personal reasons, thats where he was getting in trouble. I don’t recall that being an issue in clintons impeachment.

      • phoenix00

        Put that pitchfork down, son. I’m simply ‘Trumpifying’ for shits and giggles.

  • Scooby

    I’m confused. Was she his sister or just a cousin?

  • He’s resigned (to avoid impeachment)
    Been fingerprinted
    and charged and plead guilty to 2 (misdemeanor) campaign finance violations
    Alabama ‘Love Gov’ Robert Bentley Resigns
    Alabama’s Bentley Resigns after Pleading Guilty to Criminal Charges

  • Rickyphoo

    I was curious as to what kind of a woman would be attracted to a guy who looks like Ichabod Crain, (and I do not mean the one from the TV series), and I am like – What the Fuck?

    Ms. Mason is attractive, and at least looks like, an intelligent woman and waaaay younger then him.

    All I can think is Bentley must be hung like a horse.

    • ThaagNasty

      He’s rich and his “dermatology” clinic is a vanity shop for botox, restylane, and juvaderm. Do the math.

    • Jeeler

      Henry Kissinger – no handsome dude himself – once said that “power is the ultimate aphrodisiac,” or words to that effect.

    • laineypc

      His parts were blessed.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    This calls for a reboot of Non Sequitur Dinner Theatre’s very special production of “An American in Buenos Aires” that’s still relevant! It features Mark Sanford as an American artist who returns to Argentina after the war (which war? the Iraq War? the Falklands War?? the Thirty Years War???) to paint and to take in the magnificent tan lines scenery along the Argentine coast line. It’s relevant! Co-starring as Sanford’s comic sidekick is Bill Donohue who plays a somewhat taciturn pianist/composer… oh, who are we kidding; he’s an asshole… who dreams of premiering his Concerto in F(art) with Donohue on the keyboard, Donohue at the podium and Donohue playing every instrument in the orchestra. Did I mention that this production is relevant?

    And did I mention the love interest? YES, Sanford finds his muse in María Belen Chapur, whose magnificent connections within Argentina’s agribusiness prove to be irresistible. Be sure to stay awake for the climactic ballet based on Gershwin’s music “An American in Buenos Aires”… no mistake here; this isn’t *George* Gershwin we’re talking about, but his somewhat less famous brother, Bernie. The ballet is set against backgrounds inspired by art works by Thomas Kinkade:

    http://shawnmcnulty.com/artistblog/top-5-thomas-kinkade-parody-spoofs-paintings/#.WO0H7o61tpU

    with Bill Donohue returning to play the comic taxi horns. And it’s RELEVANT!

  • Duke

    “Bless our hearts and other parts”

    I’m ashamed that I’m not that clever.

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