Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.
- Rebekah Mercer BEGGED President Bannon not to You’re Fired himself from the White House after Trump threw a temper tantrum and booted Bannon off the NSC, saddled him with healthcare and ordered everyone to call him a Mr. Whiskey Dick, President of Man Boobs.
- Yesterday Congress said, “Fuck it,” and gave up trying on trying to make TrumpCare/RyanCare at thing, but Trump is DEMANDING that they find a way to strip the healthcare from millions of people before they all go home to worship Zombie Jesus.
- Senators agree that the Senate sucks right now, and it’s all Neil Gorsuch’s fault.
- Trump said some words about the POTENTIAL war crimes in Syria that gave him many sads, and now Republicans are worried that they might actually have to do something other than hypocritically criticize Obama.
- Nikki Haley was at the U.N. holding up pictures of children who died during a Syrian chemical weapons attack while criticizing Russian complacency and their accusation that the attack could have been faked, kind of like the time when Putin allegedly ordered Russian apartment bombings in 1999 and blamed Chechen rebels and Muslims.
- It’s now illegal in Russia to make memes of Putin as a gay clown, and since it’s #GayMemeThursday, you should all post gay clown Putin Memes!
- Ivanka Trump had a super secret meeting with Planned Parenthood after the inauguration, but now they’re not on speaking terms. Don’t tell her dad!
- Jared Kushner has hired his P.R. friend for the White House Office of American Innovation, which is a bit creepy as his work in horror movies is already echoing in to the real world.
- The Secret Service is SUPER stressed out covering Trump’s family, which may be why one agent on Mike Pence’s detail has been suspended for visiting a prostitute after succumbing to Pence’s hormone distortion field.
- All the coal jobs that aren’t going to be coming back are being replaced by wind, solar, and natural gas, but apparently Joe Manchin never got that memo.
- The Alabama Ethics Commission has found “probable cause” that Governor Robert Bentley used government resources when he made sexy-time voice mails and so they’ve referred the case to the district attorney’s office for possible prosecution. RUH-ROH!
- An inspector general’s report from the Treasury Department has found that the IRS illegally seized money from millions of innocent people who were accused of structured deposits, a wonky law usually used to ferret out capital criminals who don’t have bank accounts in the Caymans or Switzerland.
- Facebook lost an appeal to block courts from slurping user data during search warrants, which has civil libertarians and tech companies pissed.
- Magistrate Judge James O’Hara has issued an order for Trump’s immigration adviser, Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach, to turn over his initial plans for Trump’s
Muslim bantravel restrictions on ethnic and religious minorities from Muslim majority countries, as well as his sketch-ups of the Tortilla Curtain, as part of a suit challenging Kansas’s law requiring proof of citizenship for voter registration.
- And here’s your late night wrap-up! Samantha Bee broke down the Russian hacking hearings in Congress, and talked about “SMART guns”; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Fox News and Bill O’Reilly, and found the alternate ending to that cola commercial; Trevor Noah realized that Sean Spicer’s press conferences are like kindergarten; and Colbert took issue with the Kardashian-whasit trying to selling cola/pop/soda to protesters.
- And here’s your morning Nice Time! KOALA belly rubs!
Hey! We’re starving over here! Donate/subscribe so we can eat sammiches and drink coffees! Please? K! Thanks! Bye!