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The Washington Post has a nice profile of Karen Pence, wife of Vice President Mike Pence, and his “prayer warrior” in chief. Karen and Mike like each other! They hold hands a lot! They make all their decisions together, like “is it okay to be vice president of a pussburglar?” and “should we take away all AIDS funding and funnel it all to ‘ex-gay’ therapy?”

But buried in the nice parts about how much Karen Pence hates gay children and is a really good wife who knows her place is just to pray for her husband rather than having opinions on things (except hating gay children), there’s one part that is making us a teeny lil bit crazy, and it is not a “new” news, but rather is an old news, but it is in the Washington Post again so let’s all talk about it again now:

In 2002, Mike Pence told the Hill that he never eats alone with a woman other than his wife and that he won’t attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side, either.

Mike and Karen Pence like each other! They are together all the time! Why would you have a problem with that, Wonkette, do you HATE LOVE AND CIS-HETERO-NORMATIVE FAITHFULNESS? Well, obviously, but there’s an actual point too:

Mike Pence cannot be alone with a woman without fearing he will have to fuck her. What was that his boss said? “I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.”

So … there’s the possibility of sexual assault, as it seems there so often is with these gentles. But there’s also a more prosaic WTF: Would a man who won’t take a meal with a woman who’s not his wife hire a woman for an important job, and treat her the same as his other employees? Eating a meal, being in a room, even drinking a beer? HELL NO. Women are for fucking — and we’re for that! — and only for fucking. Mike Pence can’t see any reason to eat a pizza with a chick that doesn’t end with his sad bendy p in her holy v.

We’re not people, y’all, we’re jezebel harlot temptations.

That attitude is why all the pictures of Mike Pence doin’ stuff at the White House are men all the way down. Sure, Jesus had women around him, but today’s evangelical Pharisees? Not so much.

Oh editrix, you are pooh-poohing, you are taking a nice thing (Mike Pence being faithful to his gay-hating wife) and making it nasty. You’re a nasty guy. And failing. Also a puppet.

Guilty as charged!

On the other hand! My husband and I are together ALL THE TIME. We like each other and hold hands too! We also make decisions together (not so much about which gay children to hate, but decisions nonetheless), but if he were to be in a room with a woman who was not his wife, I would not be afraid he would have no choice but to bone her because Satan. Unless it was this chick.

Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, please do not eat a meal alone with my husband, or be at an event featuring alcohol with him, and if you DO do those things, please try your very hardest not to jump on his dick.

MUCH OBLIGED!

Here’s some other ways Karen Pence is an asshole, from the Washington Post:

In 1991, Karen Pence, then an elementary-school teacher, penned a letter to the editor in the Indianapolis Star, complaining that the paper’s “Children’s Express” section had featured an article that “encourages children to think they’re gay or lesbian if they have a close relationship with a child of the same sex” or admire a teacher of the same gender.

“I only pray that most parents were able to intercept your article before their children were encouraged to call the Gay/Lesbian Youth Hotline, which encourages them to ‘accept their homosexuality’ instead of reassuring them that they are not,” she wrote.

Fuck you, Karen, you child-hurting witch. And we’ll end it with this:

Among all the frustrations Mike Pence has faced since becoming Trump’s No. 2 — the Access Hollywood tape; the revelation that Michael Flynn, Trump’s former national security adviser, lied to him about his contact with Russians; the failure of the health-care bill for which he lobbied — the most publicly outraged he has become involved an Associated Press story that published his and his wife’s private AOL email addresses.

Mike Pence’s team demanded that the AP take down Karen’s private email, and when it didn’t, the vice president tweeted that his wife was owed an apology.

Someone got her email published? And Mike Pence was GRR MAD about it? Eat me, you hypocritical, un-self-aware black hole where a human person should be. Eat me like you don’t eat your wife’s vagina.

[WaPo]

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  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    See! This is why Mike Pence is askeered of ladies! Emasculation!

    Wonderful, snarky emasculation…:-)

  • chiefkurtz
    • Jeff Ackerman

      Heaven forbid she gets cooties from someone els’s towel…

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Well, that is how you get the ghey.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Among all the frustrations Mike Pence has faced since becoming Trump’s No. 2

    If it’s yellow, let it mellow something something something. And no further questions, your honor.

  • Chadwells

    I’m still barking about this because it creeps me the fuck out. Mother. He calls his wife…mother.

    • PubOption

      I think Ronnie the Senile did the same with Nancy.

      • Chadwells

        Exactly. Creepy.

      • rebecca

        that was Mommy. even worse.

      • laughingnome

        John Lennon did too. But he admitted to being screwed up on that score.

    • TakingAmes

      Yeah. Totally icky. I shudder at the mere thought.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Chadwells

      Kissing Dampnut’s cock ring.

    • ArgieBarfie
      • Msgr_MΩment

        On Easter He will come again.

      • aureolaborealis

        Is that a real quote?

        • Skeptical_thinker

          One can only hope.

        • PenguinPenguinPenguin

          Yes, it is. This is from his material.

  • ariel_gee_398

    So let’s go down hypothetical lane. Suppose, for instance, that Donnie’s KFC habit finally catches up with him and he doesn’t last 4 years. Pence becomes president. What if Angela Merkel wants to have dinner and discuss top secret stuff that Karen can’t be privy to? Does President Pence just say, “tough luck, Germany, should have elected a dude so I could do my fucking job?”

    • rebecca

      yes.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Yeah, that position is going to be quite inconvenient when the UK and Germany, our two strongest European allies, need a private moment at a UN function or the like.

  • Nounverb911

    I bet Karen is this nutcase’s number one fan.

    https://twitter.com/apurposefulwife/status/844762605663141888

    • TJ Barke

      She kinda should be given how the land that all of that food came from was probably stolen from massacred indians…

    • Wild Cat

      She may be white but her heart is black as death.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      But muslims have an affirmative obligation to narc on each other, and all persons of dusky hue have to be super respectable because of those of their brethren who are not. Or, you know, we can shoot them.

  • laughingnome

    Religious fanatics are so weird.

  • Jeffocaster in the desert

    Sick puppies. Everyone is bad unless Jesus. Got Jesus? You’re saved. Pussy grabbing is OK is you have Jesus.

    • Nounverb911

      When was the last time trump went to church?

      • Jeffocaster in the desert

        He is so great, so good he can go to church in his mind. The best church, the biggest church.

  • ArgieBarfie

    The Pences’ Christian purity was somehow not harmed by associating themselves Trump. Go figure.

    Typical hypocritical bronze-age fairy tale cultists.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Wonkette, do you HATE LOVE AND CIS-HETERO-NORMATIVE FAITHFULNESS? Well, obviously…

    Ah heck, I don’t actually hate it per se. It’s just that sometimes… sometimes I wish I was’t so darn good at it.

    • Historicat

      Wow – she doesn’t just give you The Look? That’s true love!

  • lucidamente

    If I were Karen Pence, I’d worry about Mike being alone with alcohol and adolescent boys.

  • shivaskeeper

    I love Mrs Keeper, and we spend a fair amount of time together. But she has her own things to do that don’t involve me and I have my own things to do that don’t involve her. I could give a rats ass if she was dining alone with another man or somewhere that served alcohol with a man, nor does she care if I am alone with another woman for whatever reason. Why don’t we care about shit like that? Confidence and maturity. Something Pence seems to lack.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I wouldn’t trust my Msgra. alone with Mike Pence in a bar. Secret Service might take her into custody.

      • shivaskeeper

        Point taken.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Sounds like somebody has some serious trust issues.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Pence is a cold, cruel theocrat spawned right out of the Dominionist wing of the woowoo Wingnut cesspool of the Republican Party. He’s a true believer and therefore exceedingly dangerous.

    • Jeffocaster in the desert

      wow, that is a great description.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Well, when you put it that way, it’s awful hard to say “he seems nice.”

  • dslindc

    What crosses the line of alcohol being featured at an event? Is it ok for him to go if there is a cash bar, but the event isn’t sponsored by any booze companies?

  • lucidamente

    Am I wrong in believing that Mike Pence is so far in the closet he’s finding Christmas presents?

    • Crystalclear12

      And Narnia

    • marxalot

      I dunno, I think he may just be a garden-variety loathesome, hateful prick.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I dunno, the “I can’t be alone with any woman because I just want to fuck them so hard” excuse could just be a dodge to deflect attention from his feelings for skinny teenaged boys.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          There is that creep vibe to consider.

  • laughingnome

    Religion is the opiate of the asses.

    • TJ Barke

      Religion: aftermarket morality.

  • Wild Cat

    Jimmy Carter had lust in heart, but at least his wife was attractive and humane.*

    *Jesus H. Fucking Christ, we once had an Evangelical in the WH and he wasn’t psychotic!

  • Bill D. Burger

    Pence worships not the biblical character Jesus, but ‘Republican Jesus,’ and that is a frightening spectacle.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e617ae1a7f20d5d810e1d28c6d6153d610eb1ad29b18a629192d5b29236755f8.png

  • Zonath

    Surprised Mike and Karen Pence haven’t tried to “reclaim” the burka for Christian women, what with all that darned temptation around every corner.

    • Oblios_Cap

      If they try to go back to the early 20th century swimsuits for women, it’s on!

  • Wild Cat

    “AYN RAND DIED FOR YOUR SINS!!!!”

    • Nounverb911

      While on Medicare and Social Security.

      • Wild Cat

        Read Gary Weiss’ book on her, “Ayn Rand Nation.” He has to be diplomatic to get interviews from her psychotic apostles, but the evil shines through.

        And fuck Gerald Ford—with a million Alan Greenspan rusty copper dollars.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Isn’t it astounding that they worship that old crone so? She hated Ronald Reagan; she hated organized religion; and she railed against anyone telling women what they can or cannot do with their bodies. But the Republicans love her because of her objectivist slop, and greed trumps all.

      • Wild Cat

        Actually, she was anti-abortion. She was anti-stockholder. Had Zionist leanings. She’d loathe Paul Ryan.
        She was basically your typical contrarian/authoritarian.

        • Wild Cat
          • Bill D. Burger

            Ayn Rand held that “abortion is a moral right-which should be left to the sole discretion of the woman involved.” (“Of Living Death,” The Objectivist, Oct. 1968, 6) In her view opposition to abortion arises from a failure to grasp both the context of rights and the imposition that child-bearing places on women. As she put it: “A piece of protoplasm has no rights-and no life in the human sense of the term. One may argue about the later stages of a pregnancy, but the essential issue concerns only the first three months. To equate a potential with an actual, is vicious; to advocate the sacrifice of the latter to the former, is unspeakable.” (“A Last Survey,” The Ayn Rand Letter, IV, 2, 3)

            While the modern conservative-bent Objectivist Society and conservative writers analyzing her twist & squirm mightily in their opinions to change her position, I’ve never seen in her works that she was simply anti-abortion.

          • Wild Cat

            There’s the rub. She didn’t write most of her works. She didn’t even edit most of the crap that was carrying her byline or represented her publication(s). Her thoughts are dismembered—like Jesus’—to what one’s values hold to be truths. As for truth, for Ayn Rand it was how she felt during that particular day, and as she aged, she didn’t even bother with consistency.

          • Bill D. Burger

            [Actually, she was anti abortion.]

            Again, as hard as the Ayn Rand Institute and Objectivist Society try to make that fiction a reality, even in her myriad inconsistencies and the often fractured and contradictory murmurings she gave in her old age, I still do not find evidence that she was anti abortion at all.

        • MassiveQuantitiesofPie

          That’s the funniest part. Most GOPers are so illiterate and/or lazy that they don’t even know what she wrote. They just know the “greatest hits” somebody told them about and then pretend to be experts on her grand philosophy.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        And she blackmailed her married grad student into boning her while her husband drank himself to death because it was her money.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Greed “Trumps.” Got it.

  • marxalot

    I feel like “Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman” (and also “Linda Carter”) should just be on every couple’s freebie list. Both halves of every couple.
    I mean, it’s not like it’s gonna happen, and at least this way you get a nice mutual fantasy.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Mike Pence’s religion, even more than his perma smug face I’d love to punch makes him an asshole and a creep. Jesus fucking Christ dipped in Russian hooker pee

  • Crank Tango

    Yeah, I can see Pence going around quoting Chris Rock all the time too.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/HthRx3o9CtOGQ/giphy.gif

    • marxalot

      Well, that’s what his religion keeps telling him. It isn’t his fault the Devil put Satan-urges in his pants! He’s not responsible! It’s the Devil and also slut-Jezebel-tempters, so he can’t be expected to exercise “self-control” (outside of securing his perimiter, which he does)!

      • Crank Tango

        Also (paraphrased) from Chris Rock, “A republican is always trying to get credit for SHIT THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO DO.”

  • Jeff Ackerman

    Little known fact; Mike Pence is Vice President of the he-man woman haters club too!

  • Truck Fump

    True story. My wife and I do many things together, and many things separately. Many times she has gone out of town without me, and she insisted that I have dinner with one of our best friends, A WIMMINZ, and I have not had the need to bone said wimminz friend. It can bee done, Pinch!

    • Lara

      But how hard did you have to jam a fork in your thigh to keep yourself from sweeping the dishes off the table and boning her right there and then?

  • Crystalclear12

    Now I will always think of Pence as no. 2.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Mike Pence Can’t Promise Not To Fuck Every Woman He Sees

    Fortunately, every woman that sees him can make that promise without giving it a second thought.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Question for the ladies* – is that photo of the Temptations on the staircase a big hunk o’ burnin’ manhood? Or just a doofy promo pic?

    *forgive my reflexive heteronormativity – gents can answer too.

    • The KGB Ate Our Votes

      Oh my. Hunky. Yes. So very.

    • Penny Dreadful Says Resist

      Why not both?

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

      I gotta go with doofy.

      If it were Denzel Washington, I’d be in my bunk.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      tbh, just to look at I think only Otis, Paul and Eddie were, but then David and Melvin would start singing. And, well.

  • The KGB Ate Our Votes

    Would Pence trust himself alone with a Rentboy and some Jesus Juice? I wouldn’t.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I’d like to see Marcus Bachmann and Mike Pence walk into a bar.

      • The KGB Ate Our Votes

        Which one is wearing the assless chaps?

        • Marion in Savannah

          BOT,K.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          After five minutes, neither.

  • memzilla Ω
    • therblig

      also too, with midge

      • Terrirmares

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    • formerChild

      Ken actually comes in a different ‘box’.

      • lurch394

        And he did not formerly come with his equipment.

  • laughingnome

    Sally Yates and Mike Pence walk into a bar …

    • Antonin Dvorak

      And the bar says, only one of you passed.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Yates ducks.

    • Anna Rompage

      And Sally hands him a dossier showing that he’s really Putin’s half brother, and was born with alcohol fetal poisoning, just like many Russians…

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Ha! You see it too? I’m not crazy! That bland, stretched face, the borderline pinheadedness… it’s FAS.

        • Anna Rompage

          The near set, beady, soulless eyes are a dead give away

  • Lizzietish81

    Let’s not forget that Karen is an entrepreneur…of Towel Jewelry

    http://theslot.jezebel.com/karen-pence-your-future-second-lady-sells-the-least-u-1783751043

    • Anna Rompage

      $7 plus shipping and handling for those little pieces of shit?

      Jesus, you could go to the local bead store and put one of those together for a $1!

      • Carpe Vagenda

        But if you did that, your state’s governor would not have reason to look with a friendly eye on your proposed leglislation.

        • Anna Rompage

          I live about 6 houses down from my state’s governor…

          I can chat with her while out gardening…

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Don’t bother. I still wouldn’t buy that for a dollar.

    • therblig
      • Msgr_MΩment

        Can I buy a can of Clam Charms?

        • Marion in Savannah

          You MONSTER!

    • Wait, what? I can honestly say that I’ve never been at an event where towels were prominent, and where everyone didn’t have a completely different towel design. They’re already identifiable!

  • Red Bird Ω

    The sad part is that people like Pence ignore the women he may meet with have the choice to not engage.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Sorry. To me Pence’s righteousness just posturing.

    • Liberoid Ron

      It always is with his type. ALWAYS.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
  • Oblios_Cap

    Pence would probably be just as bad a Trump, only a little more (not much) competent.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      He would be more predictable give his patterns when he was a rep and gov.

  • Lizzietish81

    Suttree is more worried about me jumping lady bones.

    And by worried I mean interested in

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

      I want a t-shirt I saw on Redbubble:

      “I’m Bisexual. Twice the Awesome”

      • elviouslyqueer

        I love Robin Williams’s daughter’s line from “Were the World Mine” where she says “I’m heteroflexible. I’m straight, but shit happens.”

        • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

          That’s awesome! :)

          I dated this woman that told me, “Anna, I’m a Lesbian, but ain’t nobody needs to be a Gold Star Lesbian. Let’s go talk to those guys.”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I certainly hope you would never consider indulging his foul perversions.

      And by that I mean an open mind is a wonderful thing. As are high-definition cameras.

    • I think you’d be just shocked, SHOCKED, at how common that is amongst the male half of couples! SHOCKED!

      • Lizzietish81

        I’ve been in two threesomes so no

  • memzilla Ω
  • therblig

    how dare those wimmin stand on the same step as their lords and masters. uppity is what i call it.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Curse my good looks, any woman I’m alone with will automatically throw herself at me. How awkward…and yet, how tempting.”
    — Mike Pence

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Tell me about it.

  • Spurning Beer

    Now I am forced to ponder what I would do if I found myself having dinner alone with Karen Pence in an establishment with full bar service.

    Ewww. I just had a whole-body shudder.

  • Lizzietish81
    • theblackdog

      Which one of them was it that said he regretted pulling the dickwolves t-shirts because tumblr feminism?

      • Lizzietish81

        Probably Gabe.

        That was stupid, it was not a joke about rape, it was a joke about the fucked up priorities of MMO characters.

        eta: that was also right after this one, so apparently people had no problem with a literal joke about rape and sodomy but had a problem with the mention of rape by dickwolves.

        • marxalot

          And, as a joke on the fucked up priorities of MMO characters, it was pretty good.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      I actually watched part of a documentary on “Sleep Sex”, which is supposedly like sleep walking- almost. So, they are right to be concerned.

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    So, Pence only partakes in communion and the temptations of little crackers and wine are served unless wifey is there?

  • Jeffocaster in the desert

    Pirates of Penceass.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “If I drink sin juice, I’m gonna wanna get laid immediately. If my wife weren’t there, who knows who I’d end up fucking in the coat room?”
    — Mike Pence

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Or what! Some of those cashmeres are sinfully soft.

      • Liberoid Ron

        I’ll be in my sweater drawer.

  • NastyBossetti

    I like my dudes to have lady friends because it shows that they know we are people.

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      To say, temptation lies every corner, says how repressive hrony these peop

  • Proud Liberal

    He’s as scary as Trump. The guy just ain’t normal.

    • Jeffocaster in the desert

      “That boy ain’t right.” Hank Hill

  • Chadwells

    Too many “religion” South Park gifs…can’t choose…

    • Nounverb911

      Use AOT,K.

  • lucidamente
    • Sister Suffragette

      I had such a crush on him when I was a kid . . . now Pence has ruined those memories.

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Mike doesn’t let her wear yoga pants either.

  • Chadwells
  • Anna Rompage

    If everyone was as white, and uptight as the Pence’s, they’d only be playing christian love ballads on the Alt Rock stations around this country…

    • Msgr_MΩment

      We built this chapel
      We built this chapel
      with rock and wood.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    To be fair, just LOOK at that supersexy sexx machine. What woman wouldn’t want to take a headfirst or bottomfirst dive onto his lap?!!

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      I’d find a que-tip more attractive and effective.

      • Liberoid Ron

        And not as white either.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Pence has a redwood tree shoved up his ass unlike Trump who has Putin’s hand shoved up his. What an old couple, Bible and the Pussburglar.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Rumors circulate that Pence is wired to Manafort. Maybe Pence has Putin’s other hand up his ass.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Here’s my thoughts: You can be perfectly accepting of women in the workplace (even if Pence is not) and still have boundaries like, “I’m not going out for dinner and drinks with women who are not my wife” if you are married.

    Boundaries == good.

    Sexism == bad.

    Don’t get so focused on the latter that you ignore the former to the point you find yourself sharing your life’s intimate details with your non-spouse and start forming affairious (I made that word up) bonds.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Aside from all the creepy angles, there’s also a practical consideration.

    Pence is basically avoiding situations where people can “suspect” that he hooked up with a woman other than his wife. He hangs out with churchy people, and there’s no gossip like churchy people gossip.

    ETA: Not that this excuses his stupid misogynistic rule.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I mean, liquor stores have preachers’ windows, amirite?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      True enough. But of course, it becomes a kind of virtuous-behavior arms race where the bar precluding all gossip-fodder becomes higher and higher. Before you know it, you’re saying things like “Honey, it’s not a burqa – it’s just the latest style from Lamb of God Fashions.”

  • Jennaratrix

    Someone I know told me recently that due to his religious beliefs, he can’t be alone with a woman other than his wife. Ever. Not to drive them to the hospital, not to do repair work around the house that he volunteered to do through their church. I was struck speechless for a moment; and anyone who knows me IRL knows that is a very, very rare occurrence.

    I bounced back and asked some questions, like what about sharing an office with a female co-worker, which I happen to know he does? What about the fact that whoever this woman is, she probably has no designs on him, and don’t her intentions count for anything? He had no good answers. But, he still prays for me despite that I’ve told him I’m an atheist and I find that sort of offensive, so I didn’t expect him to have any rational reasons for the no-being-alone-with-nonwife-women thing.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Some people just ain’t right in the head.

      • Jennaratrix

        The worst thing is that he’s actually a really, really nice guy. Like, seriously a great person, except for his twisted religion. And that basically, his wife’s full-time job is to be his chaperone; if he has to do anything that includes being in the same room or car with another woman, his wife has to go with him. It’s creepy AF.

    • marxalot

      That is some straight-up bullshit right there, with a neat super-Orthodox twist. Ain’t it funny how fundagelicals mine other “Judeo-Christian” traditions to find the worst bullshit? And also find a way to make women to blame for their own moral failings?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      My evil mind told me that this sounds like someone who would be very, very easy to blackmail.

  • I think every woman in the world should simultaneously promise not to fuck Mike Pence, just so that he’s safe.

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

      Allow me to be the first.

    • The KGB Ate Our Votes

      Done.

    • JBenningfield

      Sold.

    • NastyBossetti

      I will sign this pledge.

    • Jennaratrix

      Done.

    • Annie Jomes

      Easiest promise ever.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Where can I leave my paw print?

    • stankbait

      Wow! Even to infer or imagine anyone would allow Pence to mount them creeps me out.

    • grindstone

      I’m in.

    • pragmatist3

      Hey, men too! Gender equity is a two-way street, I think.

  • Chadwells
    • Proud Liberal

      He hates lying ass Republicans though.

      • She.

        • Proud Liberal

          Oops, my bad.

          • aureolaborealis

            Hey, use whatever word you want. This is a fiction we’re talking about.

          • Ill-Advised

            Or is it?!

          • aureolaborealis

            Gods that do nothing are indistinguishable from gods that don’t exist. And I’ve got this here Occam’s Razor to help me deal with what we’re left with.
            Any gods care to weigh in on this?
            Got it.

  • The KGB Ate Our Votes

    Was Trump drinking? Is this the most passive-aggressive kiss ever?

    .

    https://media.tenor.co/images/da3746a3fd81f65525ebc2809ff86e16/tenor.gif

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Here’s some fun. And by fun I mean frightening.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39sRxA-J7FY

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

      “Target: white pickup.

      “Identified, load HEAT”

      “Up!”

      “Fire!”

      “On the Waaay! Target atomized. Cya, Motherfuckers!”

      “Stow the chatter, Target: Red pickup…”

  • chicken thief

    Karen knows what a hunk-a-hunk-a burning love Mike is so doesn’t trust the ladies to be able to refrain from rubbing their lady parts all over Mike’s face and buttocks like his guy friends do.

  • Spurning Beer

    I live near Pensacola Christian College, a favorite of the home-schooled, which publishes many of the text books for home schooling. At its campus, male and female students can not be together without supervision, and there are separate staircases and elevators for males and females. Because it is apparently their belief that beneath a thin layer of proper behavior, even home-schooled fundamentalists are seething fornicators looking for an opportunity to boink.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      So they got one thing right, so what? Still a bunch of fundagelical asswipes…

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      I worked a summer job with a kid who went to college at PCC. He was fired because he couldn’t keep his hands off the female employees in the break room.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Unfortunate, and unsurprising. I think the mechanism is that constant hammering about how “X Must Be Repressed” actually ends up validating X as legitimate and stronger than it really is. (Else, why the need for repression?)

        Once you’re away from the repression, then, X takes over in the form of an all-consuming drive… whether for cookies or for boobies. As opposed to the healthy model, which is “drive for boobies is a thing, so is others’ dignity and autonomy; let’s work out how to be socially adjusted human beings so we can work toward the former without violating the latter.”

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Summer employment is Christian college rumspringa.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      … it is apparently their belief that beneath a thin layer of proper behavior, even home-schooled fundamentalists are seething fornicators looking for an opportunity to boink.

      Well, yeah.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    The Pences don’t seem to have that same seething puritanical self-loathing as the Santorums – are we sure they’re doing it right?

    • Wild Cat

      They just quietly bury their own self-murdered fetuses in the backyard . . .

  • Ralph Gauer

    Did Trump select someone who knowingly used AOL? Dear God.

    • unionthuggery

      That’s the real scandal here, who the hell is still using AOL in 2017.

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        My parents, age 79 and 80 this year.

      • chicken thief

        *sigh* my boss….

      • Marion in Savannah

        [sigh] Mr. MinS. But he’s 78, so…

      • Terpsichord

        Mrs. Terpsichord, early 50s, still does. I have tried but after being together over 30 years, I have learned to pick my battles.

  • Spurning Beer

    Mike is never alone with other women, or with other women where alcohol is present. He goes to gay bars, then, I have to assume.

    • Or just has security sneak him in a couple of boys for the night?

    • chicken thief

      To convert them. Ya, that’s the ticket! To convert them. And he brings his friends, Marcus and Aaron along, for moral support!

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

        He merely tries to bone the gay away, or to suck the evil out of them.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Maybe Mike’s a “Wide Stancer”?

    • Foocatchoo

      He has not so-secret MAN DESIRES for Trump….

  • Tallmutha

    I do not know who the cool black gentlemen on the staircase are, but they are cool.

    ETA: never mind, I figured it out.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      The Temptations.

    • azeyote

      a lot of people fell in love while they were singing on the radio –

  • Audrey Carangelo

    I actually got that Jim Morrison reference because I am an oldz

  • Personally, I doubt Karen Pence really has to worry that much about other women going after her husband, he really is not that much of a prize.

    • I remember telling my mom i could understand why Monica agreed to blow Bill. The only reason i would willingly get close to anyone in the White House currently would be to {REDACTED}

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        “vomit on their shoes.”

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        “With scrotes.” — M.L.

  • Think you missed the obvious, Becca,
    See, Karen OWNS his ass. He is not allowed to even eat a meal or be somewhere there is booze without her.
    Because she owns him. And tells him what to do.
    Let us run that one for the lolz ^.^

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I want to see pictures of their basement – I wonder what a conservative Christian sex dungeon looks like.

      • Like everyone else’s sex dungeon, I’d imagine, only holier than thou

        • NastyBossetti

          More crucifixes.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      I get that impression, also too. Karen keeps his nads in a jar by the door.

  • chicken thief

    No duh, Karen. I mean, who among us hasn’t fucked everyone from the opposite sex that we ever had a business meeting or lunch with?!

    “Waiter, check please! and you honey – could you blow me on the way to the hotel?”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I know, right? I just sigh, and say – “okay, my wife’s not here, so you know what that means.” Works every time!

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    OT: Melania speechifies at Int’l Womens conference and decries sexual predators in the midst. Then lunches with divorce attorney.

  • Mpeg

    Well what about Karen Pence. Will she dine alone w/ a dude not her husband? Avoiding circumstances that could induce temptation is not valiant or commendable. Jesus resisted temptation by confronting it not by dodging any & all events checkered with greed, lust, trying-to-seek-safety-zone- instead — -that was the whole fucking point, you ass-backward uptight whitey Pences! Way to pervert your own scripture.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Famous last words: “it just happened”.

  • OT: A few minutes ago, I was reading a deadspin article about Michael Irvin (retired sportsballer, pro talker) being charged with sexual assault. He is charged with drugging a woman and assaulting her while she was unconscious/incapacitated. All I could think was, who does he think he is, Bill Cosby?

  • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

    I actually JUST heard a story related to this from a friend. A guy at her work wasn’t allowed to work in the same office as her for fear that something sinful would happen between them. One of the ‘compromises’ they tossed around was taking the door off the hinges. So much WTF.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      That’s ridiculous. That’s not a boundary; that’s a wall.

    • Well, there was that very Christian couple of legislators in Michigan who couldn’t seem to share an office without jumping each other. Precedents, you know.

      • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

        Ha! I miss those days. Now the news is so depressing it’s hard for me to appreciate a sex scandal.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Mike Pence’s team demanded that the AP take down Karen’s private email, and when it didn’t, the vice president tweeted that his wife was owed an apology.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/042f95b248360b3b25270ffb53a30c6cb7c6de536119527ad38af8afad2c0aac.jpg

    • Tallmutha

      Honestly, if they had AOL addresses and the AP forced them to change them, the AP did them a favor.

    • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

      In that case, Michelle Obama is owed thousands of apologies. She’s faced way worse than a published goddamn email address

    • BearDeLaOursistance
  • chicken thief

    Blah, blah, blah, Karen. We’ve all heard that shit before, and from more charismatic people than you and your husband, what’s-his-name. What I wanna know is if Buff Nordic Jesus told you to spit or swallow.

  • That’s apparently the new fundie thing.

    Back when I was training to be a pastor, the rule was to never be in a room with a woman with the door closed, to avoid the appearance of impropriety.

    Also, don’t date a woman by yourself. Date in groups of friends to keep each other ‘accountable’.

    But that apparently isn’t holy enough anymore. Now you can’t be in the same room as a woman at all even with the door open.

    Next, they’ll be like the ultra-orthodox Jews and demanding that they can’t sit next to a woman on a bus, train, or plane.

    And then, it’ll be a short step to making sure that women are always accompanied by a male relative to ‘protect’ them.

    Eventually, we’ll just have to lock all women in towers in order to mutually protect our ‘virtue’.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Yup. Virtue Arms Race.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      I really think it’s the “just the two of us go on a work lunch date” type of thing that sometimes leads to wires and boundaries being crossed.

      It starts out like that, then evolves into “I wish I could talk to my wife/husband the way I talk to you”, and then blam! fucking, divorce, drama.

      • It happens, but the key is to try and make sure you have a relationship with your spouse where you can talk to them about anything and do so without being judged.

        Cutting 51% of people out of your immediate circle because you don’t trust yourself is an indication that you need therapy.

        • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

          If I was married (and thankfully I am not anymore), and I told my wife “You know, I have been going to lunch with Karen, and you know she is so smart and really neat, and we have so much in common”, I’d hope she kicked my ass :)

          • NastyBossetti

            I have male friends that I met at work, and we would go out to lunch every day. I think they’re smart and funny, and we have things in common. If MrBossetti could not understand that, I don’t think we’d still be married.

          • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

            Yeah, well be careful. Least I remind you of the guy who said, “I took her furniture shopping”.

          • Lori

            Don’t forget, Trumps furniture shopping didn’t get him laid. Because the lady wasn’t interested or was interested, but faithful to her husband.

            Seriously, if someone is so starved for communication and affirmation in their marriage that small talk at a work lunch is the fast track to infidelity then the marriage was doomed long before that person answered “Sure” to a coworker asking if they’d like to get a sandwich.

            If someone can’t think of a way to tell their spouse that they’d like to have better communication and closeness than saying, “My coworker is Teh Awesome!!!” their marriage is similarly doomed. In any case, lunch with a coworker was not the start of their problems.

          • Skeptical_thinker

            My new bride and I came together with friends of the opposite sex. We both respect each other enough to know that friends will remain friends. That isn’t really all that hard to do.

            Being North of 60 doesn’t have anything to do with being faithful.

    • Manders

      But sure. Creeping Sharia is the fundamentalist boogeyreligion we all need to worry about. Sure.

  • beatbort

    They would feel right at home in Saudi Arabia. That way, Mike could always be with other boys and only see his wife when she had her veil on.

  • chicken thief

    Does that prohibition apply to daughters, too? Asking for a friend….

    ~ POTUS

  • Lori

    This is really typical for Right wing Evangelicals. Billy Graham also claimed to have the same rule about never being alone with a woman other than his wife. Christianists eat this stuff up because they love misogyny disguised as virtue signalling and also because when lying cheaters trot out that tired old line, “It just happened” to excuse their lying & cheating some people actually believe them.

    Here’s a newsflash to Pence and the rest of the Jesus people using their wayward penises as an excuse not to hire female staff: unless a tornado comes along, rips off your clothes, and deposits one of you on top of the other it doesn’t just happen. Fucking is a decision, or more precisely a series of decisions. It’s possible to be in someone’s presence and not make those decisions. Really.

    • chicken thief

      Unlike that other guy (Pat Robertson?) that sez it’s ok to bang someone else if your wife is sick. Good to be a guy!

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        Oh, the things I could do if only I had a penis…

        • Liberoid Ron

          One of Dr Seuss’ more obscure works.

          • JustDon’tSayMicrowave

            Was that the book with thingy 1 and Thingy 2?

    • Liberoid Ron

      They way they talk, it ISN’T possible to not make those decisions. A moment’s thought leads one to conclude that the problem is in being a teavangelical, not in being male.

      • Lori

        IME a lot of people raised in Evangelical culture are the same way with sex that people with major food issues are with dieting. A small deviation from The Rules becomes an excuse to go buck wild. “I had a cookie. My diet is ruined. Might as well eat the rest of the bag.” = “I’ve sinned by being alone with this person and noticing that s/he is hawt. Might as well fuck them.”

        A purity mindset combined with the natural human tendency to make excuses and justify doing whatever it is you want to do can lead to bad places.

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Rule 1, it’s the woman’s fault, rule 2 if it’s not the woman’s fault see rule 1.

    • boldly

      Do you believe every thing you hear or just hate Christians?

      • Lori

        Are you laboring under the impression that I formed my opinions based on hearing? If so, I assure you that I speak from experience and very close observation.

        • boldly

          I based it on you being atheist 💥

          • Lori

            So you accused me of stereotyping because you were stereotyping? That’s special.

          • boldly

            Not accusing you of anything, your long comment of blasting Christians speaks volumes about your self, very atheistic to assume and lay blame on deity because past trauma in life. Sometime saying little is less exposure, But you have freedom of speech, I think we do last I heard, and respect you for that. Have a good day.🌹

          • Lori

            I find it interesting that Christians always assume that atheists are atheists because they blame God for some trauma. I guess cheap armchair psychology is easier than dealing with what people are actually saying.

          • boldly

            My response was to what you were Actually Saying😳Suggest you go back and read your posting. Time for you to let go of defending your reasons against Christians and find peace in this world💥

          • Lori

            Capitalizing something doesn’t make it true. You were not responding to what I was saying. Being aware of very public, very problematic behavior on the part of self-professed Christians =/= trauma. Time to let go of defending your self-righteousness.

        • boldly

          No! I formed it because are atheists 💥

  • motmelere

    I can see why Pence is angry about AP just giving their addresses away; that shit’s worth money now.

    • JustDon’tSayMicrowave

      About two-fitty

  • chicken thief

    Jesus Christ, even Barney Fife got to sit on the porch alone with Thelma Lou….

  • Jeffery Campbell

    I assume Pence’s temptations are of a completely different stripe….

  • Randy Riddle

    Never being alone with other women? Perhaps he enjoys the company of men. Just sayin’…

    • Celtic_Gnome

      How does he feel about gladiator movies?

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    Men & women getting along in society without wanting to fuck each other? Oh, the horror! Someone grab my fainting couch!

  • JoseAmerica

    Karen Pence has the bearing of a woman who has walked in on her husband masturbating to gay porn online one too many times.

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      Can we purchase his browser history from his ISP?

      • Celtic_Gnome

        There’s a gofundme campaign set up for that. Don’t have the link and just too damned lazy to go look it up.

  • Perkniticky

    I can’t trust a man who can’t trust himself with a woman who is not his wife. There must be something VERY wrong with Pence.

    • MizzMazz

      He’s trying to sound all pure and holy, but it comes off very differently to sane people. Like the guy I was discussing morals with, and when he found out I am atheist, he’s all, “What’s to stop you from stealing, or murdering people, if you don’t believe in god?” I answered, “Decent people don’t do those sorts of things. If you need the fear of a god and his book to keep from doing those sorts of things, then I am very worried about your state of mind.”

      • SayItWithOtters

        If literally the only thing stopping you from a rape and murder spree is a fear of the JC, you should probably keep going to church. For the rest of us who can control ourselves Sunday morning is wide open.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Brunch!

  • azeyote

    the old timers used to say that the key to a mans boner is through his stomach – still true after all these years – but i think he’s a cheap bastard who wants his wife to pick up the tab for dinner –

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    “Children’s Express” section had featured an article that “encourages children to think they’re gay or lesbian if they have a close relationship with a child of the same sex” or admire a teacher of the same gender.”

    I’m pretty sure this is how the Pences remember the article:

    Dear First Grader,
    Is your best friend like you? As in if you are a girl is your best friend a girl? And if you are a boy? Is your best friend a boy? Does you father like to watch men in tight clothing chase a ball around? Do you like Bert and Ernie?

    Then you are gay, and must be taught ways of secular Satan! Call 1-800-KIDSGAY for you free gay agenda. Hurry now and don’t forget to tell all your friends to become gay and to spurn Jesus and force them to pee on a crucifix and join Black Lives Matter.

    Sincerely,
    John Q. Atheist
    Saint Lucifer Elementary School
    Indiana USA

    • MizzMazz

      I think you nailed it. In their heads, anyway.

  • I can’t help thinking about this article and that recent statement by some actress that monogamy wasn’t natural. For some people, monogamy is completely natural, and even though another person may be attractive, they really have no problem with friendships outside of the marriage being just that, friendship. For other people, monogamy isn’t their natural state. Those people should not be getting married (or at least not promising to forsake all others) and stop wasting all their mental energy on cheating or trying not to cheat. It seems to me that if you have to work as hard at staying faithful (or appearing faithful) as the Pences, there is some underlying problem in their relationship or themselves. We now return you to your normally scheduled snark.
    Edit: I am not saying there is something wrong with people who are not monogamous, just people who promise to be and then don’t/won’t keep that promise.

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

      This. I’m unsure as of yet whether I’m suited to monogamy. I am also single and currently unattached.

      I see many attractive men and women in the course of my week, but having both real chemistry and opportunity is fairly rare.

      Who are these folks that can’t mingle or associate with attractive people without firm controls in place? It sounds like they need shock-collars and medications, not the Bible.

    • NastyBossetti

      Basically, people shouldn’t try to force themselves into other people’s boxes.
      That sounded much better in my head, and now that I’ve typed it out, I swear did not mean any kind of pun or innuendo.

  • Susan Szews

    I met my husband at work, and we still work together, in the very same department – I call it The Sausage Factory for a reason (we’re software developers, I bet you can guess how many women are in my department, right?)

    If he were to take meetings with other ladies, and I think he might? I’m not the boss of him! I am totally cool with that! It turns out that we’re all professionals! Well, most of us at The Sausage Factory are. There are some of us there who…HEY EYES UP HERE.

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      I would raise my eyes but those penises are huuuuugggeee!

    • Right? My hubby has a lady working for him and regularly squires other A ladies about in his vehicle all by himself because he has escort permissions and what not.
      I fail to tell him he has to squeeze me in along

      • natoslug

        I work under several ladies, and have so far managed never to throw myself at them, nor they at me. It’s weird how being a normal person rather than a repressed religious fanatic/picture frame model works, isn’t it?

  • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

    OK, this conjures a thought: Are at least some of these slack-jawed Xtian Assholes staring at me because I dress nice/sexy/not overly-modestly, instead of my being Trans*?

    Because my biggest confuze right nowes is why some people ask me for fashion tips, hit on me, or just smile, but old men and Churchy Bitches give me the “hate-eye” or even “fear-hate-eye”.

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      They are jealous.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        They are confuzzled, and afraid.

    • suziq

      Who knows what is in the blank space where their brains should be? And who the hell cares??

      • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

        The staring is kind of making me tired and self-conscious, so I’m trying to analyze things just to get my head around it.

        • I have to admit, I’ve never had to deal with the staring (Well except once when 17 year old me was talked into a hideous green pair of pants by a really beautiful salesperson, but I think it is not quite the same) but try to just be yourself. Then the problem is theirs, not yours.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            Thank you. :) I’ll keep trying. And I meet a lot of friendly people too. This new neighborhood is 1million x better than my old one.

          • H0mer0

            were they the “pale green pants with nobody inside them”? *(which found a host when you took them home.)

            *I have a lot of Dr Seuss memorized from reading them over and over(to my boys.) Also too, he usually wrote with a catchy meter to his prose.

        • suziq

          People are weird, just ignore them. Also too, they may not even be staring at you. One time I thought I overheard lady at the grocery store say something to somebody else about me and I kind of confronted her. She looked at me weird and said that wasn’t what she was talking about at all so then I felt stupid. And sometimes I think deep thoughts and I am not looking at anything but it might look like I am staring. But I am deep like that. Or maybe they are wondering if they went to high school with you. Who knows! Who cares!

          • H0mer0

            or maybe what they were looking at was a dog driving a car behind you

    • It is prolly a bit of both.
      To them, if you dress sexy you are a slut and should be punished and shunned because their men folk might take a shine to you.

      • Especially if you are a 10 year old temptress who wears leggings in public, amirite?

        • OH HELL YES.
          See, no wearing head scarfs because scarry mooslim, but they still wanna dictate all your other fashion choices for ya

      • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

        Yeah. I mean, I dress more modestly by far in my new neighborhood – I haven’t even been out in Booty shorts yet.

        I still dress my mood, and I love miniskirts and jeggings. If I can’t have my clothes and heels, there is no point to leaving my apartment.

        • Haters gonna hate, Anna. Mostly because they are miserable in their own lives and so look for someone else to look down upon.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            Yeah. I guess I just gotta keep doing my thing. Maybe I should doll up and go oppress some downtrodden Xtians again today.

    • efoveks

      Baby it’s the shoes. And that you know how to walk in them…. :D

      • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

        XD Thanx!

        I’ve been trying smiling at these folks. I’m getting tempted to fake drop a coin or something and *bend* over to pick it up….give them something to really stare at.

        • efoveks

          Well, put this in your back pocket: this cis hetero Episcopalian (we are Christians, but the fun dies will tell you we are horrible satanist liberals who don’t do the bibble proper) thinks you are the tops, and I’m sending you a big hug as we speak. God created you to be all the wonderfulness that you are, and one of those things is warrior princess.

          (If you really wanna piss off those sanctimonious xtian jerks, just remind them that Jesus loves you too. Truth to Power!)

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            ~hugs~ Thank you, Sincerely. :)

            I’m not a Christian, but I know many fine people that are, including several here on Teh Wonk, like yourself. The friends – a whole family – that helped me move are Christians. They just don’t talk about church, they do things like helping me move boxes and loaned me some cash to help with moving expenses.

  • chicken thief

    I hope some industrious reporter follows up with the Pences after their browser history has been sold to the highest bidder.

  • Me not sure

    I suspect that Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman doesn’t eat alone unless she wants to.

  • WiscoJoe

    I was prepared to post some snarky comment about Mike Pence and ex-gay therapy and LOL fuck that dude, but then I read through to the end of the article and now I just want to be happy about how much I love Wonder Woman. Seriously, I would turn straight if Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman wanted to have dinner with me. How’s that for ex-gay therapy?

    • Would you be then waiting for Gadot?

      • eggsacklywright

        “Nothing to be done…”

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    VP pence had every right to be angry that his wife’s e-mail address was leaked. What if a man (or woman) invited her to a lunch buffet where alcohol was served?

    • I liked how he demanded they retract and when they did not, THEN he demanded an apology.
      Because it is sooooooo hard to get another aol name anyway. Hell back in the day I had like ten of em

  • chicken thief

    “Dittos!”

    ~ Miss Lindsay

  • efoveks

    Damn feminists! ;)

  • chicken thief

    “But Heidi Cruz is an exception to the rule”, Karen added, “because not even Mike would fuck Heidi Cruz.”

  • unhipcat

    um
    why do people keep saying flynn lied to pence about the russia thing?
    because pence said ‘flynn lied to me about the russia thing’?
    ima need a better source

  • Ducksworthy

    Flynn did not lie to Pence. Pence lied to us. Flynn lied to Pence is a lie.

    • gamera23

      I believe lying constantly is part of White House policy at the moment. Those caught not lying to outsiders or each other will be immediately terminated and fired.
      Just kidding.
      OR IS IT?!

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    It’s a problem with his glands/
    He’s a heterosexual man

    https://youtu.be/K1gExaMUeng

    • ButtercuptheHarelessRabbit

      Are we sure of that?

  • Jayhawk89

    This drives me crazy as it reminds me of a story from a few years ago about women on Capitol Hill who were denied access to information, meetings, mentorship, travel, and opportunities because of men’s refusal to be alone with them. One comment following the article claimed that if women would just stop accusing men of impropriety then these measures wouldn’t be necessary.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Me too!

    • alpacapunchbowl

      I don’t mean to shoot the messenger, but if you’re trying to make me rage-stroke, well done Jayhawk. Well done.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Jeez – ALL my close friends are women. I’ll have to remember not to marry a Karen.

    • Jukesgrrl

      What else would we expect? You’re the devil.

  • mycotropic

    I love you Wonkette pretty head, you say things good!

  • pgjack

    Muslim men can’t be alone with women other than their wives or family members because of temptations of sex. Is Pence a secret muslim?

    • Lefty Wright

      We need to find out. Waterboard!!!!!

      • Jukesgrrl

        And if Pence doesn’t want to, I’m sure Hannity will volunteer to fill in for him.

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

      Many people say that Mike Pence is a secret Muslim. I saw it on the internet!

    • Some Orthodox Jews cannot be around women. Rabbi defending himself from pollution by wearing plastic bag on a plane.
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/07204897837d01dac204ec5329b9e9d5e728b14968dab35168b9d7836dfc51e0.jpg

      • mailman27

        But a ten-year-old girl can’t wear leggings. Did they even mention airplane protocol in the Old Testament?

        • Of course not. You cannot expect logical consistency from a religious zealot crazed enough for a plastic bag.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Not wimmiz, dead peopum.

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        So I now want to know what his oxygenation level is with that bag. I guess he’s not worried about brain cells dying.

        • They may already be dead, hence the plastic bag. Who knows. Whatever allays his fear of vagina.

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        Always dryclean your rabbi, it lasts much longer.

  • TakingAmes

    Yeah, this is the problem. If you’re so worried that you won’t be able to help yourself fucking a woman who is not your wife should she not be glued to your side when you have the occasional beer, what does that say about you? Or men in general? Do you not have any self-control? Do you not trust yourself? Does your wife not trust you? If so, why not? HENGGGGGHHHHH? This is along the same spectrum as forcing women to walk ten steps behind or pray in a different room than men. It not only assumes that women have no agency to tell you to fuck off if you advance inappropriately, but also that men have zero self control when it comes to their penises. All the men I know that actually, you know, respect women, have no problem keeping their dicks in their pants, even around women they find sexually attractive. Regardless of whether either of the parties is sexually available.

  • ButtercuptheHarelessRabbit

    I heard an Internet rumor that he took part in conversion therapy, and counts himself as a success story. This is apparently why he pushes it on others. It supposedly cured him of teh gay. It’s just a rumor but it would irresponsible not to speculation, right?

    • Jukesgrrl

      Thank you for giving me something new and interesting to think about today. I have to drive to Phoenix from Tucson and that’s usually boring.

    • Tio_Doidinho

      Yep! The Power of Jesus(TM) pumped so much cis-gendered heteronormativity into old Mikey that he can no longer be trusted alone with Vaginal Americans. That’s just science.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Will we be doing the heteronomanativity this year?

    • CarolinaStewPie

      Given that he looks like such a silver-haired Ken Doll all the time, I believe this to magnificent speculation that would totally irresponsible not to imagine so very true. He’s probably horribly tempted in all those sausage-fest events at the White House. Keeps Mommy praying back at the VP residence.

  • Jonny On Maui

    “It’s your fault you aroused me you harlot! Cover yourself!”

    Said by weak men everywhere.

  • Lefty Wright

    Gadot looks mighty intimidating. Whip, leather, sword, shield. Even the steel knee pads would not loosen me up since it looks like she’s got a knife in her belt. I think I would take a pass.

  • SterWonk

    To be unreasonably generous, perhaps Pence meant he won’t be alone with them, so they can’t then falsely accuse him of being inappropriate. You know, as women do. <rolleyes>

  • SpideySenser

    But if you have a close relationship with a child of the opposite sex does that makes you some kind of whorey whore slutty slut?

    • wavicles

      All around the town.

  • Jukesgrrl

    I’m under the impression that Karen Pence’s E-mail address has always been online because of work she does. Deep Google, but nevertheless could be found, so … more fake news.

  • Raan

    Allow me to quote Penn Jillette.

    “I do rape all I want. And the amount I want is zero. And I do murder all I want, and the amount I want is zero. The fact that these people think that if they didn’t have this person watching over them that they would go on killing, raping rampages is the most self-damning thing I can imagine. I don’t want to do that.”

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Not seeing an appreciable difference here between Pence’s creepiness and some Muslim men (some- not all!) who argue that women should be covered so as not to unduly tempt men with a glimpse of hair or an ankle. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a tacit admission that he’s a gross rape-monster with absolutely no self control. FFS, I wish these guys go fuck themselves instead of imposing their fucked up psychological issues on us wimmenz.

    • wavicles

      He’s sure that he’s not gross, just normal everyday-guy. It’s the Debil who’s gross! wiminns are the Satan in disguise… ‘cept for Mother.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Oh lawd, don’t even get me started on how fucked up THAT is. Calling your wife Mother. It literally (yes, literally) causes me to have a physical reaction of repulsion.

    • sadboy

      I got that same feeling. They come across like closet Sharia fanatics. If she’s so fervent in her beliefs, maybe Karen should just wear a hijab. I don’t see how it could hurt them with their base (in the Arabic translation of ‘the base’, of course).

    • Anson Montgomery

      No kidding. Dudes like this ruin it for the rest of us. Let women run around being all beautiful and stuff. Sit back, enjoy, don’t harass them. Don’t act all creepy. Srsly dudes. Get some self control.

    • SayItWithOtters

      Mother must have kept him on a short leash when May and Merkel were in town. That shows some real statesmanship, #2, when your wife won’t give you a permission slip to be in the important meetings.

  • schmannity

    OT, but that top photo. I never realized that Melania 1) is a graduate of Beauxbatons, and 2) she’s a witch!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9b39a9bdd479f795966bcdb9a02acf370503b20d915593bbfed5ae33c1d19608.jpg

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Holy crap, you’re right! Except that J.K. Rowling recently revealed that contrary to popular speculation the Trumps would not be in Slytherin because they don’t have what it takes to be invited to wizarding school in the first place.

      • schmannity

        That’s very surprising because Trump has taken several fortunes and made them disappear in bankruptcy court.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          True that. Although it’s my understanding that anyone can be trained to do sleight of hand tricks, whereas one has to be special to do magic-magic. And all those spells are written in- gasp, books! Icky!

  • AJ Milne

    Does Wonder Woman still have that truth lariat thing?

    If so, there’s probably exactly no members of the current administration who _shouldn’t_ be very, very afraid of her getting anywhere near them. Alone or otherwise.

  • JackLinks

    Here’s a Rolling Stone article about Pence! I think it’s hilarious on how Pence address’s his wife! Both of them more than likely dress/undress in their own private closet’s!

    http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/features/the-radical-crusade-of-mike-pence-w462223

  • Foocatchoo

    Pence loves to spoon Trump when Melania’s out of town….

  • Oneofthebobs

    AOL? That’s still a thing?

    • cc423

      It is if you pronounce it A-Ole.

  • Thorn Spike

    Of course she was a teacher.

  • Bitter Scribe

    “Gee, I feel very reassured after being told, against all evidence and my strongest feelings, that I’m not really gay,” said no one ever.

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    Why is it that the closet makes so many fanatic, rabid, anti-gay activists? Why can’t people like the Pences just keep their own sad little secrets and let everybody else alone?

    • javadavis

      I’m guessing it is the cabin fever. Closets are small.

      • bookish

        Pokey coat hangers. So irritating.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    So the important issue here is, how does one go about eating a meal, being alone in a room and drinking a beer with Gal Gadot?

    asking for a friend…

    • Edith Prickly

      Ask Chris Pine?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        he’s not invited…

  • gamera23

    How do the Pences feel about Mike sleeping with other women? Is it okay if Karen is there, too? So he won’t be tempted?

    • JoeChristmas

      She’s OKnwith him sleeping with Santorum though.

      • Hiawatha Jones

        Santorum is also a word for anal matter…so that seems legit.

        santorum

        1. That frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.

        2. Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA)

        As his happy cries subsided, the sweet sticky santorum began dribbling from his distended asshole like melted mocha frappuccino. He told me that he loved me. It was only then that I realized the man I’d sodomized in a Pittsburgh bathouse was none other than Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA). I felt dirty.

  • bookish

    These funnies are moral infants.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I have conversations like this with godbothering friends so often–they cannot imagine why someone would behave morally without a vengeful god looking over their shoulder all the time. Which just stuns me–these are grown people who can’t tell right from wrong unless someone writes it down for them.

      • HooverVilles

        ^^^^THIS THIS THIS^^^^
        One additional thought,
        …someone from the bronze/iron age wrote it down for them.

  • Panika MCD

    1) maybe we’re getting Pence wrong. maybe he can’t control himself around any other humans (or goats, allegedly), but he has had the good wife Karen subscribe to the Evangelical notion that if it’s in the butt, it’s not real S-E-X-X-X-I-N because: no babby makin’. maybe he can’t control himself about Spice Spice Baby either and the only reason Mike Flynn told him a whopper was because his peter was half way down Flynn’s throat at the time so it just didn’t come up!

    2) am I the only one who thinks that Karen Pence looks a lot like the Madame at Liquid Silver in Tank Girl?
    http://www.alicia-logic.com/capsimages/tg_011haircut.jpg

    3) not that being a “No. 2” isn’t shitty enough, but they’re still using AOL email addresses? I mean, I’m probably not using the safest of all email providers–being the complete luddite I am–but even I stopped using that shit during highschool. but, I guess, when you’re a No. 2, you have to No. 2.

  • puredog

    “Trump’s No. 2.” Yeah, that’s about right.

    ETA: That’s such an easy one that I am pretty sure I should have scrolled down, but I’m on deadline here.

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    This is a smart policy by Pence, considering that misunderstanding when he was cuttin’ the rug down at a place called The Jug with a girl named Linda Lou. True story:

    It was back in 2002. In walked a man with a gun in his hand an he was looking for you know who. Fortunately, the Congressman was able to de-escalate the situation by explaining that he hadn’t even kissed her and wanted no trouble, so the jealous man granted Pence the favor of three steps toward the door.

    Lesson learned.

    • brucej

      Goddagnubbit! You HAD to say ‘Three steps’ dincha?

      Now you stuck that goddamn Lynrd Skynrd earworm in my head…

  • Professor Fate

    Hey Pence here’s an idea – why don’t you just cut it off since it seems to oppress you so much.
    Lord save us form these self loathing Christian types – bad enough they are who they are, but they want us to feel the same as they loathe ourselves as much as they hate themselves.
    full confession was raised Roman Catholic and boy did that screw me up when it came to sex.

  • Serai 1

    Jesus, I’m so sick of these Taliban fuckers and their hysterical fear of women.

  • Pinball or Submission

    Haha, “Trump’s No. 2”

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well, if Pence has so little self-control (have you looked at him? He’s obviously a seething cauldron of id), maybe we should keep him chained up in the basement instead of being allowed to run loose. For the safety of society.

    • Carole

      It puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again!

  • Daniel Hooper

    So Pence wants to be surrounded by men all the time, the only woman he’s comfortable with is his wife, and he’s very invested in conversion therapy for gays…

    … Me thinks the VP doth protest too much for a straight man…

    • HooverVilles

      Eggsactly.

    • boldly

      You and 33 others took the whole article out of context? Me thinks you might be gay😳

  • John Resistant Tovarich Smith
  • whitroth

    So he feels he needs a chaperone, if he’s eating with another woman? What is he, some kind of Christian Mullah, who wants all women “soberly dressed”, and….?

    Btw, thanks for saying who that was. I’ve not seen the Wonder Woman movie, and that *sure* don’t look like her. For a minute, I thought that was someone else who dressed like that… Xena.

    • brucej

      I don’t understand why the looniefundies of all stripes converge on this issue that somehow men are unable to act in a civilized fashion around women who are not their immediate property. WTF is WRONG with them??? It’s not actually hard to do.

    • lurch394

      Read Tartuffe. Or better yet, watch a performance. You’ll see Pence as the protagonist.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    To be fair, I would not say no to Gal Gadot jumping on my dick, and I don’t even have one.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    If I were Karen Pence, I’d be more worried about Mikey alone in a room with the boys tbh

    • Lily412

      He definitely seems like he’s trying to co-opt Anderson Cooper’s look…

  • going4baroque

    is it true that all the males on trump’s transition team were asking the russian ambassador to enter their names in a contest to win a date with this special russian envoy – with requests to keep it on the down low and not tell the wives?
    https://youtu.be/f0uhVNL72AA

  • William
  • akryan

    I knew he had all your run-of-the-mill horrible Republican views on everything, but I had no idea how fucking weird he is. He calls his wife mother and he won’t have lunch with another woman or be in a room with alcohol if she’s not there to chaperone? What kind of bizarre neurosis do these people have? How in the fuck did they get to run our country?

    • RugzYaBurnt

      Imagine the pickle this freakshow would be in if, Gawd forbid, 45 got impeached and Pence didn’t go down with him! Like, what if the not-your-wife-lady you have to eat lunch with is named “Angela Merkel”?

      • cats530

        He’s worried that Angela Merkel will find him so sexy that she just can’t resist him.

    • cats530

      Won’t be in a room with alcohol and other women? Hmmm….so what happened in the past, that was covered up, which involved alcohol and other women?

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    He probably has only strangle-murdered one lady in a repressed-religious alone-together dining incident.

    Cut him some slack, Karen!

  • HorseChestnut

    Yet another Christianist nutjob who would be happier in Saudi Arabia.

  • SayItWithOtters

    I thought the prevailing theory was that she was his beard, after he got electrocuted straight as a young man.

    • cats530

      Oh? Did he attend Marcus Bachmann’s conversion program?

      • lurch394

        I’m sure he tried, tried, tried to let it ride.

  • Blender_415

    AOL accounts? They’re definitely pervs.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Someone should take Mike aside and let him know that eating and drinking with women not your wife doesn’t always end in sex.

    In fact, based on my personal research, I’d say that’s rarely if ever ends in sex.

  • going4baroque
  • Dan R Francis

    Touch me and I’ll drive a Saguaro cactus up your ass.

    • peteywheats

      Bill O’Reilly might like that…. Saguaro is that delicious middle eastern dish, correct?

      • Dan R Francis

        Ha! And no, Saguaro cactus is a rather large, tough and quite thorny species of cactus found here in the Southwest.

  • JD Mulvey

    And I’m sure Mikey was also very very angry when Donald Trump told thousands of people Lindsey Graham’s personal phone number too.

  • Alt-dog

    Sounds like his attitude toward women is very much in line with ISIL’s.

    • smitallica

      My thoughts EXACTLY. Maybe Pence should wear a burka.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    [Pence is] trump’s No.2

    True Fact

  • bisynaptic

    it sounds like bearding pence is a 24/7 job.

    • cats530

      In the picture above, at least The Donald and Melania are pretending to be close. Pence and his wife are pretty distant. A picture says 1000 words.

      • bisynaptic

        i wouldn’t be surprised if she really hates him deep down inside.

  • RugzYaBurnt

    A.O.Fucking.L.

  • Daniel Nicolosi

    LMAO! Well written! You literally kicked ass and took no prisoners!

  • Leftside Annie

    Nutjobs. These people are nutjobs.

    • cats530

      It would be delightful were Pence caught in flagrante delicto with a rent-boy.

  • mfp

    “Eat me, you hypocritical, un-self-aware black hole where a human person should be. Eat me like you don’t eat your wife’s vagina.”

    SPIIIIIITTTT—bwaaahahahahahaaa…just wasted a mouthful o damgood jack daniels…been saying this for decades–show me a reagan-baby republican white guy, and i’ll show ya somebody who doesnt have a clue what to do when he gets down there, IF he ever gets down there, awwlaawddddaaaaahahahahahaaaaaa

  • unclejeems

    According to Cactus Jack Garner, the vice-presidency ain’t worth a bucket of warm piss. Neither, apparently, is the current vice-president. At least his smarmy ass is out of Indiana. Good riddance.

    • sarafina

      Indiana’s gain/loss did not improve the country, however, as this vote showed.

      • unclejeems

        Sadly, no. He’s the same anti-human shitstain in Washington that he was here in Indiana, but now he gets to carry his “Christian knight in shining armor” act to the national level.

  • Terrirmares

    Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !dg234c:
    On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    !dg234c:
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  • Lily412

    It’s likely that Pence is sexist, but I think extrapolating that idea from what he said about dining alone with ladies is reading into things. Let’s try to be objective. His wife is indeed an asshole, though.

    • Strepsi

      What else could he possibly mean by “I can’t be alone with a woman without my wife there?”

      • tlynch67

        Maybe he likes Merangue la troi mon sewer.

      • cats530

        Maybe there have been some prior “incidents” and the wife now watches him like a hawk.

      • Lily412

        I, too, see it as “I don’t trust myself alone with a woman,” but I don’t think that sentiment alone is inherently sexist. It may just be that he wants to make EXTRA sure that no one can accuse him of stepping out on his wife. Or maybe they had issues with infidelity in the past that were hushed up, and he’s trying not to repeat those mistakes. I guess in the end, I’m saying that there are way better examples of Pence being sexist.

        Edit: Changed some wording for clarity

      • docdonn

        threesome?

    • peteywheats

      He’s some sort of Pervert/Religious nut if he can’t trust himself around women.

      • Lily412

        Yeah. I think it’s pretty likely that this particular behavior quirk is due to his Catholic religious guilt and paranoia.

        • peteywheats

          My whole family is Catholic, none of them are afraid to be around the opposite sex.

          • Lily412

            I know #NotallCatholics. But as someone pointed out, some people do go crazy with their religion.

          • Carole

            It’s my experience that the Catholic schools encourage kids to view members of the opposite sex either with suspicion or potential date material, and not as peers or just simply friends. I agree that Catholic adults don’t necessarily think like that.

          • peteywheats

            Most Catholic kids go to co-ed public schools.

          • Carole

            I’m sure you are right. My daughter transferred to public school after six years of this nonsense, although she’s an atheist now, so I’m not sure if that counts.

        • lurch394

          He converted to particularly perverted Protestantism. He gets it coming and going. Sorry for creating that visual.

  • redgrouper62

    I believe that Karen put him on a short leash after he lost the Sunday tithe money in a poker game with 6’long haired blonde gurl with a hungry mangina.

  • AndreWaters20

    But almost every woman he meets, promises not to fuck Mike Pence. So there’s that.

  • goonemeritus

    I try never to be alone in a room with evangelicals.

    • lurch394

      But if they’re female and hot, I may read some passages from the Song of Solomon.

  • cats530

    “In 1991, Karen Pence, then an elementary-school teacher, penned a letter
    to the editor in the Indianapolis Star, complaining that the paper’s
    “Children’s Express” section had featured an article that “encourages
    children to think they’re gay or lesbian if they have a close
    relationship with a child of the same sex” or admire a teacher of the
    same gender.”

    WTF? What a trove of psychiatric disorders Karen Pence hoards. It would be fascinating, yet repellant to analyze her.

  • caitifty

    I think the genuinely saddest part about this is it means he has no close lifelong female friends, and probably never has. You know, the friends you get drunk with and cry on their shoulders and vice versa when major bad life events go down. I can’t really imagine what my life would be like without that (and hey, Pency, just because you have close friends of the opposite gender doesn’t mean you have to fuck them you fucking idiot).

  • cats530

    “In 2002, Mike Pence told the Hill that he never eats alone with a woman
    other than his wife and that he won’t attend events featuring alcohol
    without her by his side, either.”

    Why? Is there a past history of imbibing too much and acting inappropriately or that he can’t control himself in such a situation?

  • JohnBoy

    He can’t go anywhere without Mother. She probably forgot her name is Karen being around him.

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    Look, he calls his wife “mother”. Need any more proof he has no fucking idea how relationships with women – involving dinner or anything else – work?

    • lurch394

      And he does it in public. Thanks for letting me know, Rolling Stone. Unfortunately, now no one will want to impeach his boss.

    • H0mer0

      maybe he’s like Sting in that song “…and every girl I go out with becomes my mother in the end…”

  • Newzheimer

    He must’ve done something really, really bad. Because she clearly doesn’t trust him to be out of her sight. Or in the presence of Demon Alcohol.

    Looking at him, it’s hard to imagine him having been a Wayward Youth. Or ever being a youth.

  • persistently_resistant_gayby

    I loathe these two with the vengeance reserved for the most horrible people in the world.

    Fucking shit that we get stuck with these two shitcakes instead of Timmy Harmonica and his wife or OHJB and his totally awesome English Teacher wife!

  • Maybe

    I think the women can safely make that promise.

  • Ken

    But they just released our browser history to anyone. Sucks to be you, you ignorant control freak.

  • Carole

    I once had a boss that was quite cool in all respects other than this one. It’s too bad, as we could have had a fun and entertaining platonic lunch had he not insisted on bringing his No. 2 along for protection. Oh, well.

  • Scrofula

    How very Old Testament, even dare I say, ISLAMIC of Mr. Pence. Doesn’t he know a big point of that Jebus guy was breaking bread with everybody, and not worrying about Leviticus? Rules that are specifically said to not apply to gentiles?
    Fuck, these stupid fucks.

  • cosmiccowgirl

    To me this is a sickness, and yes, it’s just the flip side to Trump’s grab them by the pussy mentality. If you have that big a problem dealing with half the human race, something is seriously wrong with you.

  • The man is beyond pathetic.

  • boldly

    This fake new is so fake even the crackhead that wrote it is King of Crackheads, then below comments are those who will always be clueless and believe the Crackhead Fake News. Grandpa! Where have all the real men gone😭

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