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Today on Fox and Friends, conservative commentator, culture warrior and People’s Sexiest Man of Never Bill O’Reilly was asked to weigh in on a smart and wise thing Maxine Waters said. BUT HE COULDN’T DO IT! It was impossible! He tried and he tried but he could not even hear what she was saying, because he didn’t like her hair.

Maxine Waters’s hair, for the record, is perfectly fine. In the clip, she poignantly criticized Republicans who see themselves as more patriotic than everyone else, even as those other people are working harder to fight for the country:

“We have suffered discrimination, we have suffered isolation and undermining. But we stand up for America, oftentimes when others who think they are more patriotic, who say they are more patriotic, do not.

“When we fight against this president, and we point out how dangerous he is for this society and for this country, we are fighting for the Democracy. We are fighting for America. We are saying to those who say they are patriotic but they turned a blind eye to the destruction [Trump] is about to cause this country, you’re not nearly as patriotic as we are.”

Bill O’Reilly had nothing to say to that, and it was not because he — as someone who considers himself more patriotic than everyone else — didn’t have a good answer. It was because he, a 67-year-old man, could not stop giggling over the fact that he thought she was wearing a James Brown wig.

“I didn’t hear a word she said. I was looking at the James Brown wig,” he told the panel.

Co-host Ainsley Earhardt attempted to reel him back, stating “I have to defend her on that. You can’t go after a woman’s looks. I think she’s very attractive.” O’Reilly said that he didn’t say she wasn’t attractive, adding “I love James Brown, but it’s the same hair.”

Hardee-har-har. Surely Maxine Waters will cry a river over this sick burn just as soon as she stops being a total freaking badass, which is very unlikely to ever happen. She’s very busy with that, you know.

Now! There are lots of things I could say about the way Bill O’Reilly looks, all of which have been said before. I won’t. Mostly because I am not a middle-schooler, but also because really, the thing that distracts me the most whenever Bill O’Reilly is speaking is the thought of him trying to rub a lady down with falafel. I will never, ever get that picture out of my mind. It will haunt me, and so many others, until the day we all die.

But I am an adult, and my job is to comment on things. Much like his is! So although I pledge to never, ever write anything about Bill O’Reilly without at least mentioning the time he appeared to to try to sex a lady up with a delicious Middle Eastern treat, I am still capable of finding something to say about the words that come out of his mouth. So weird!

In fairness, O’Reilly did note that he found Waters sincere, and also that he would like to watch her on a sitcom? Which is not a thing anyone would say about Bill O’Reilly or his hair.


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