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Hold on to something very firm and stable, maybe bolted to the ground? Because you are about to FALL DOWN ON YOUR BOTTOM with all the SHOCK and WHAAAAAT????? of what is about to come out of our keyboard next! You guys, Michael Cohen, the president’s personal attorney — the one who is doing pro-Russia “peace plans” for Russia and Ukraine, and who owns a Ukrainian ethanol company (yes, and that’s really weird!), and who does threats to reporters and is a lawyer who thinks by law, definitionally, you cannot rape your wife — yes, that Michael Cohen, they are all one and the same very excellent lawyer and very excellent guy — weelllll, it seems he may have had a little gambling business, and it never paid anybody and it went bankrupt, and every one of his partners in this gambling scheme seems to have been partnered with mobsters (of both the Russian and regular varieties) at the time, and you will be delighted to know that when Buzzfeed asked him about it he was all like SAYS WHO.

Possibly inspired by his boss, Donald Trump, who in 2003 was on his way to declaring bankruptcy with his Atlantic City casinos AGAIN, Michael Cohen joined forces with some nice fellas on a gamblers’ cruise ship with prime rib (yummm) and cocktails (yay!) and dance floors (get down!) and a bunch of employees who got stiffed for all their paychecks (OH WELL).

Cohen’s partners in the gamblers’ yacht, which one day just vanished out of the marina, were people with names like “Arkady” and “Leonid,” and those partners had other partners who were from places like “Brighton Beach” and “this ‘Russian enclave’ in a Florida Trump Tower condo,” but only one of them went to prison for mob-run tax evasion schemes. And only a different one had a business that was arsoned. And only a third one was partners in multiple businesses with Meyer Lansky, that nice retiring accountant man. So all totally normal, nothing to see here, certainly nothing like this!

Here’s some nice folks Cohen’s partners were partnering with, on other casinos, at the same time:

[Tatiana] Varzar owns Tatiana, a Russian nightclub in Brooklyn, and her husband, Michael, was sent to prison for a mob-run tax scheme in the 1990s. Federal prosecutors accused him and three other men of evading about $34 million in gasoline excise taxes and paying “tributes” to the Colombo, Gambino, Luchese, and Genovese crime families. Varzar pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 52 months in prison. His wife now runs cafés and businesses — one of which was burned down after a suspected arson in 2003 — and later opened a catering business in a Trump condo tower. That venture was running in the mid-2000s, with Varzar hired to do on-site parties and events at the building, which is in Sunny Isles, Florida, an enclave of Russian immigrants where [Cohen partner] Tatarchuk once lived.

But that’s all guilt by association! What about guilt by guilt? Cohen and his partners certainly lost several million dollars very quickly, according to Buzzfeed, which says within months of starting their marvelous bigly yooge offshore gambling yacht, they’d stopped paying their bills. But maybe that does not mean they are terrible at business. Perhaps they meant to “lose” that money. I don’t really understand how money laundering works, but I suppose it’s possible they were doing that, and none of these people was shockingly, disconcertingly stupid at all?

But here is our favorite part of the Buzzfeed story, which you will of course go read at once! Are you ready for it? Here it is:

In an interview this week, Michael Cohen at first said that he did not have a stake in the casino business, only the yacht, and bore no responsibility for lost wages and unpaid debts. But BuzzFeed News then sent him documents with his signature showing he owned 30% of the company.

“I disagree and, if I did, I never knew it,” he said.

This man is the personal attorney to the president of the United States, as well as executive vice president of his business octopus, the Trump Organization.

By his own admission, he either cannot read a contract, or he is lying.

  • Partners doing business with the mob?
  • Run from Trump Tower?
  • Stiffing your employees?
  • Not paying your bills?
  • Stiffing your court judgments?
  • Being so fucking bad at business you lose money on CASINOS?
  • Unless that’s what you meant to do, just sayin’, wink wink?
  • Denying you’re responsible or that you even own something at all?
  • DENY DENY DENY DENY?

Oh, Michael Cohen, you dumb dick.

[Buzzfeed]

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  • Reximus

    SAYS WHO

  • BadKitty904

    Why should Cohen be different from everybody else in the Trump “Administration”?

  • C4TWOMAN


    Cohen’s partners in the gamblers’ yacht, which one day just vanished out of the marina

    Alien abduction, Rapture or both?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Honey, I shrunk the yacht!”

    • Groundloop

      They all decided to go be lumberjacks with Dexter Morgan.

      • C4TWOMAN

        If only.

    • OneYieldRegular

      No Mobster Left Behind.

    • Unhappy Fingers

      Maybe the yacht was taken by the same folks that made Jimmy Hoffa vanish. “We disappear big stuff now. Hoffa was just practice.”

  • Proud Liberal

    Trump & Co. tied to the mob? No way!

    • BadKitty904

      “Mobs”. American AND Russian.

      • Liberoid Ron

        Make America Mobbed-up Again!

        • BadKitty904

          Certianly confirms that the GOp is at least a semi-criminal organization and should be investigated, if America ever has a functioning Justice Dept. again.

  • msanthropesmr

    Economic anxiety.

    • Proud Liberal

      And don’t forget the emails.

  • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

    Nice header pic. Looks like he caught a whiff of his law school.

  • msanthropesmr

    You want that other Michael Cohen. All us Jew lawyers look alike.

    • BadKitty904

      Roy Cohn, Michael Cohen, six of one…

    • memzilla Ω

      Oh yeah, that other guy too, Cohen of Silence.

  • nightmoth

    Such rich conspiracy ground here. You don’t have to be an insane Alex Jones to grow a bountiful harvest in this crap.

    • BadKitty904

      It’s not paranoia when there actually IS a conspiracy.

      • Wild Cat

        Just because it is a conspiracy doesn’t mean they’re not conspiring against you.

        • Liberoid Ron

          WHO TOLD YOU?

      • nightmoth

        Yes. Is Bourne ever going to get his memory back and bust this open, because I’m really, really tired of this movie!
        (Calling congress critters AGAIN.)

        • BadKitty904

          This unrelenting shower of Republican shit and ceaseless lack of anything being done about it, by the Dems and anyone else, *is getting tiring.

  • MynameisBlarney

    It’s not even just once a day that something heinously corrupt in unveiled on someone in turmps camp.
    It’s several times a day.

    • BadKitty904

      And – *surprise* – the GOP/Russian Congress/DoJ does nothing about it.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        But the CLINTON FOUNDATION!1!!1!111!!!!!!

        • BadKitty904

          “SQUIRREL!1!!1!111!!!!!!”

        • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

          A SPEECH SHE GAVE ONE TIME TO THOSE RICH PEOPLE!!!!!! AND GOT PAID FOR!!!! EMAILS!!!!!11111!!22222 (<–even more gullible and stupid than 1)

  • stankbait

    Just how big a dick is Cohen?
    Standing on a bridge pissing he said,
    “the water is cold, and deep”

  • Proud Liberal

    “Donald Trump and the Mob
    His real-estate developments in Atlantic City and New York brought the GOP nominee into regular contact with people who had ties to organized crime; he says he’s ‘the cleanest guy there is’”

    Sure, Donald, sure.

    https://www.wsj.com/articles/donald-trump-dealt-with-a-series-of-people-who-had-mob-ties-1472736922

    • Claire

      In fairness, I think the Mob owns all the concrete supply companies in the Northeast. If you do construction work in New York or New Jersey, you have regular contact with organized crime.

      • Liberoid Ron

        The difference is that Donnie was wandering around saying, ‘Hey, any of you guys mobsters? You’re the ones I wanna do business with!’

        • Claire

          Also they were probably the only ones who would loan him money.

  • MynameisBlarney

    “fucking amateurs” is fuckin right.

    http://www.democraticunderground.com/10141730810

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    This is exactly how the Clinton crime syndicate worked!

    This message has been supported by the Jill Stein for County Poop Commissioner Committee.

  • Wild Cat

    Hey, it’s a living, and they give more Jewish holidays off than Murder, Inc.

  • Shoto

    “mobsters (of both the Russian and regular varieties)”

    Michael Corleone Libelz!!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This outfit is all Fredo’s idea of how you should run a crime family.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I thought “no way man” until I read he wasn’t working with them as a lawyer.

  • boyblue122

    Drumpf regime is basically one big organized crime unit (minus the organization). Id be surprised if any of his guys minus Mattis and McManus are clean

  • Reximus
  • george gonzalez

    Yanno, I understand his stance, happened to me too. Each and every company that I have brought 1.5 million in investment to and signed on the bottom line, I can’t recall at all. Memory is a fickle thing, especially if you have partners named Arkady and Lenin and such.

    • Oblios_Cap

      What’s a few bucks here and there?

  • memzilla Ω

    This is such a perfect recipe for corruption, the only thing that could make it a better recipe for corruption is if he had added Консервированные моллюски.
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5db752a744b0eb128ea07801b0944f45773a8c739410098c7b892fa6e5e68107.jpg

    • MynameisBlarney

      YOU MONSTER!!!

      • memzilla Ω

        No monster. No monster. YOU’RE the monster.

    • Oblios_Cap

      YOU MONSTER!

    • therblig

      Will you still have a song to sing
      When the razor clam comes
      And takes your fancy things away
      Will you still be singing it
      On that cold and windy day?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        “O canned clams,” said the Carpenter,
        “You’ve had a pleasant run!
        Shall we be trotting home again?’
        But answer came there none–
        And this was scarcely odd, because
        They’d eaten every one.

    • Liberoid Ron

      Ты монстр!

    • arglebargle

      Razor Clams?1!!!?! Is that what they put in the Halloween apples?

      • OneYieldRegular

        Q: What’s worse than finding a worm in an apple?

        A: Finding half a canned razor clam in an apple.

        • Sonyacaguilar

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !dd266c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !dd266c:
          ➽➽
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs555DirectIndexGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!dd266c:….,……..

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Just the monsters.

    • goonemeritus

      You may not know this but some people are allergic to shellfish.

  • BadKitty904

    OT: THE BLOW-IT-ALL-UP BILLIONAIRES

    The Mercers Are The New Kochs — Except Far More Controlling And Extreme. Even Donald Trump Isn’t Safe.

    When politicians take money from megadonors, there are strings attached. But with the reclusive duo who propelled Trump into the White House, there’s a fuse.
    http://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/mercers/

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They’ve been financing Art “pee hookers, please hit the specimen jar” Robinson for years now.

      • BadKitty904

        Like the Kochs and Pence, then?

    • Red Bird Ω

      I’m people are focusing on them. That’s the real source of our problems.

      • BadKitty904

        That why I, for one, keep posting this stuff. These traitors get away with this shit because they hide in the shadows.

        Corruption and fanaticism is a teeny bit harder to hide when you’re being watched.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      They’re the ones responsible for Smellyanne. Also, earlier today, someone posted a link to a story about the Mercer’s yacht anchored close to one of trump’s Russian oligarch buddy’s yacht.

      • BadKitty904

        Turds of a feather flock together.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Great article!

      • BadKitty904

        Pretty concise. And clearly shows us what we’re up against.

  • Oblios_Cap

    My name shares the same first 9 letters as Cohen’s; maybe I can has the 30% stake that he obviously doesn’t want.

    • puredog

      Um — sounds like it’s been, er, “devalued.”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    that Michael Cohen, they are all one and the same very excellent lawyer and very excellent guy

    So, how’s the weather over there in the Spock-With-A-Beard universe where you posted from today, ‘Trix?

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    The only thing that could possibly surprise me about Cohen is if you told me that he does not feast on raw kittens for breakfast.

    • OneYieldRegular

      He doesn’t! He prefers them pickled.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    It’s another Whack-A-Mole Day!…

  • MynameisBlarney

    Today in “Let’s completely disrespect one of our GREATEST ALLIES in the world on global tv, because I’m a boorish misogynist Putin lovin’ fucktard!” News.

    Seriously….talk about unpresidented.

    http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028806496

    • Oblios_Cap

      He’s’ looking particularly clueless today.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        He’s in the same room as the Leader of the Free World and he seems to be stoned.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      What is wrong with this fucking guy?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Dropped on his head daily his entire life.

      • MynameisBlarney

        *See adjectives in the previous post* lol

        All that and so many more.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      That Gif is horrifying. There are no words to adequately describe what an utterly unfit, incompetent churl this man is.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I’m afraid that if we do end up going to war, it will be because turmp has allied our nation with Putin’s interests.
        It won’t be China, NK or anyone else coming after us.
        It will be our former allies.

        Turmp needs to be removed from office as fast as legally allowed, arrested and put on trial for treason, among many other crimes.

    • Claire

      I hope in my heart that it’s because the second they met she leaned close and whispered “Try that handshake yank with me and I’ll rip your arm right off your shoulder.”

    • arglebargle

      He don’t want no girl cooties.

    • Suttree

      “She’s not a 10. I’m won’t be grabbing that.”

    • Thiazin Red

      Now that he knows other world leaders won’t tolerate his handshake bullshit, hes afraid.

      • MynameisBlarney

        lol
        Oh he was afraid before, I’m sure.

    • Maybe he had a mild seizure.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      clod
      /kläd/
      noun
      1.
      a lump of earth or clay.
      synonyms: lump, clump, chunk, hunk
      “clods of earth”
      2.
      informal
      a stupid person (often used as a general term of abuse).

    • Thiazin Red

      I bet Merkel was really looking forward to doing policy with Clinton.

      • Liberoid Ron

        Who thinks they email each other regularly to talk about this mess?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Oh my fuckin’ god.

      If there is any further evidence needed that Trump is following Putin’s order’s, I don’t know what it is. He had no reason to refuse that handshake. None.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      And there are wingnut scrote-sacks going “Hur, hur, hur!!1!! He sure showed her!!”

      Fuck all of them.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Great. Now I’m back to rage. Everything everything everything I’m thinking WITH VOTES. *passes out*

  • Liberoid Ron

    Poor Michael. He was never told that Donnie’s Field of Protective Dumbness does not extend far enough to protect anyone else.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    That gas excise tax scam, though, that was pretty ingenious. Right up to the point where they got caught.

  • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

    We really should start a pool – who will be the first current or former Trump administration figure to be indicted?

    • arglebargle

      I can’t wait to see the exodus after the first rat jumps ship.

    • TJ Barke

      I only pray that it’s aot’k.

    • Suttree

      The second pool is for who won’t be indicted.

    • BrendaKay

      And how many indicted folks getting pardoned will it take before the republican voters start to take notice?

  • Groundloop

    The Trump Administration: Bringing together the American mob and the Russian mob, one scandal at a time.

  • boyblue122

    In an interview this week, Michael Cohen at first said that he did not have a stake in the casino business, only the yacht, and bore no responsibility for lost wages and unpaid debts. But BuzzFeed News then sent him documents with his signature showing he owned 30% of the company.

    I hate when i forget that i totally own a large share of a business

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Um, Michael, Steve Martin’s routine was a joke, son.

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      That’s a different Michael Cohen, I never signed that, if I signed it, I don’t remember, I may have signed it, but I didn’t sign it, that’s not my signature, I’ve never seen that signature before FAKE SIGNATURE

  • Alan

    So even lawyers sign shit without reading it? I don’t think so.

    • Suttree

      As the son of a lawyer, I don’t sign shit without reading it. And I’m a college dropout. I call bullshit!

      • puredog

        Well, when you don’t plan to be held responsible for anything on the downside, and you trust your partners on the upside, you might not.

        • Alan

          Particularly if you value your kneecaps?

    • Proud Liberal

      Is he even a lawyer? The way these guys lie, I would probably say no.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Graduates of Thomas M. Cooley Law School seldom bother with reading…

      • Alan

        Oh my god I thought you were joking. How did this idiot ever pass the bar or get a job?

        • Liberoid Ron

          Hard work and dedica…. gosh, I’m sorry, I’m laughing too hard to finish that.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      No lawyer
      No lawyer
      You’re the lawyer

  • Suttree

    They finally took Capone down for tax evasion. Just saying.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Russian roulette is the worst casino game.

  • TJ Barke

    Trump did real estate in New York. I’m sure he has mob connections.

    • Thiazin Red

      He literally had mobsters at his new years eve party this year.

    • arglebargle

      The best! Just tremendous.

  • puredog

    That Buzzfeed story is some story. My favorite quote (perhaps), from Cohen about his boss in the Oval Office: “[W]hen he sees Trump sitting behind the desk in the Oval Office, he looks “so natural, so honest and humble.” Now there’s a character reference for yinz.

    • Liberoid Ron

      I had no idea that ‘clueless’ could pass for ‘natural, honest and humble.’

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Humble” – an adjective that runs away from Donald like a greyhound.

    • cmd resistor

      When I see him behind that desk I think how he is besmirching the office and desk and I want to throw up, cry, or both.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      His desk is certainly uncluttered from work.

  • OneYieldRegular

    To quote some anonymous graffiti artist who has painted this on walls all around southern Italy and whose services are obviously now needed at the White House:

    MAFIA = MERDA

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Testa di ottone.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Bush used to do nicknames. I’m told (by watching The Sopranos) that Mobs do nicknames…..I’m going for “Snarly” Cohen….

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Dribble” Cohen.

      • MynameisBlarney

        “Twinkle-toes” Cohen.

        • CindyinEncinitas

          Tinkle-toes Cohen. FIFY

  • Thiazin Red

    And its all just coincidence. Nothing to see at all. Sure multiple people connected to the administration have shady Russia ties that they lied about, sometimes under oath, but that doesn’t mean anything. You’re the puppet! McCarthyism!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      First time, happenstance. Second time, coincidence. Third time, enemy action.
      5,684,201st time…well, more enemy action.

    • JMP

      There is NO EVIDENCE that Trump has colluded with Russia! To suggest he has is McCarthyism!
      -Glenn Greenwald, who seems to think “evidence” means “definitive proof”.

      • Thiazin Red

        Someone needs to tell Greenwald that Putin will never be his boyfriend.

        • CindyinEncinitas

          Wait until after the Prom, though. No need to be cruel.

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        The same Glenn Greenwald who thinks you can’t have an investigation until you have definitive proof.

  • canes_pugnaces

    There is so much material, but only so many pages on the world wide web (something to the tune of 4.29 billion) to catalogue the corruption of the Trump Crime Family.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So Assmouth and his horrible, badly-run corporate shambling monster was connected to mobsters and Russian oligarchs. Gee, what a happy coincidence that those two groups happened to know each other. This motherfucker is so full of integrity, we’re gonna have to move George Washington’s portrait on the dollar over so he can join him.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      I sense a certain tone in your post like maybe you don’t really think these things. Just a hunch.

    • stubbornirishlass

      Now just hold on everyone. Something something Obama something Chicago thugs.

  • goonemeritus

    I always check my prospective lawyers for Russian mob tattoos, if they don’t have enough of them I just keep shopping.

  • This all reminds me so much of the obama administration.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      IK,R? This is exactly like when Michelle planted the (almost certainly illegal and unconstitutional) vegetable garden.

      • therblig

        i heard it was full of leeks.

    • MynameisBlarney
  • SpideySenser
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    The casino paid people pennies on the dollar for what they were owed — if they were paid at all. Its operators were penalized by a judge for failing to respond to court filings and turn over documents. It failed to heed judgments against it, such as when the casino was ordered to pay a customer $360,000 after he was injured in rough seas. The man’s attorney says during the trial no one even showed up for the defense, an astonishing breach of legal protocol for a man who would later become one of the most powerful attorneys in America.

    So Michael Cohen is an incompetent grifter? Well, now we know why he works for Donald…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/49d3989a0b92bdb54d1f033feb1c9939337028112c2f4ee087e82226d829a43c.jpg

    • Oblios_Cap

      He’s no Vito Corleone. Vito had principles, dammit.

      • Notreelyhelping

        “There just wasn’t enough time, Barron.”

    • Toomush_Inferesistance
  • exinkwretch

    Imagine the freedom to pull all the shady shit your heart desires, knowing a presidential pardon is waiting for you if you ever get collared.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Someone needs to do a version 2.0 of this graphic, putting Cohen in the Russia group, and also including every Trump associate with sketchy ties to Turkey, Azerbaijan, Nazis and white supremacists.

    They’re gonna have to bump up the size a little.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7ba964320f8c37d05679392d890dbe1ebcaf18109012404bcb74336a31cc59cc.jpg

  • JMP

    “I disagree and, if I did, I never knew it,”

    Look, how am I supposed to keep track of which companies I own a significant stake in? That’s something people tend to just let slide!

    • MamaBrown

      He can say he doesn’t remember (no one would believe it but he could maybe say it with a straight face), but to say he doesn’t agree is just stupid. Its your signature. Saying you disagree with it is like saying you don’t agree with toasters, or water or something. What sort of chumps does he take us for?

      • Notreelyhelping

        Chumps that voted for Trump?

    • OrG

      That defense does not work if you are a poorz.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Well at least he didn’t use the wrong fucking email server.

    Although he probably did do that as well. That one in Trump Tower.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Мочашлюха6669?

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      Here’s the thing: it wasn’t even “the wrong server,” she used the RIGHT email server, the one that was MORE secure and wasn’t hacked. The Trump crew just use unsecured cell phones with cameras and invite spies to take pictures with their cameras. Even Putin is groaning, “Oh for fuck’s sake, make it a LITTLE difficult, asshole, where’s the fun in this?”

  • Anna Rompage

    Do you think the FBI helped Trump win the election in effort to bring down him and all the ties he has with illegal Russian business?

    I mean what better way to gain access to all those ties, than to bring Trump and all of his cronies into the White House where every single one of their actions are inspected under a microscope?

    • Lefty Frizzell

      It would be nice to think so, but as with a lot of conspiracy theories I just don’t see anyone clever, organized and dedicated enough to carry it out.

      • Anna Rompage

        Yeah, you’re probably right… It was likely the Russian mobsters who are working for the FBI that gave Trump the win…

    • dshwa

      Even the FBI isn’t that crazy. Way too much risk to the country from the damage they could do.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Is there an honest, bulletproof person left in DC to do that?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Here’s another crazy theory: The NY FBI field office has been giving the Whitey Bulger treatment to all sorts of OC figures, and they would rather not have a competent Justice Department poking around.

      • dshwa

        Much more likely. I suspect the NYC office will be found to be quite a bit complicit with Trump et. al. when it all comes tumbling down.

    • Clyde Barrow

      A more likely scenario is that when it comes to shortsightedness, the FBI is just as impulsive as the Trump regime. It’s the blind, leading the dolts, leading the ignorant…

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      It’s just A Perfect Shitstorm…

  • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

    “Aaah…so, Mr. President, you’ve seriously damaged relations with two of our most important allies today. What do you have planned for AFTER lunch?”

    • Anna Rompage

      Nuke New Zeland, just to show North Korea we ain’t fucking around?

      • dshwa

        Jeebus don’t give them any ideas!

      • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

        Wouldn’t surprise me. Besides, Stephen Miller HATES those hairy-footed hobbitses! They stole hisss precioussss!

      • Unhappy Fingers

        But but. . .I wanna see Trumpy try to grab Xena’s pussy first.

        • Lucy Lawless is a Green Party activist who has been arrested blockading oil rigs and wears a Wonkette T-shirt. I’d pay good money to see him try.

          • H0mer0

            gooble gobble, one of us!

          • H0mer0

            I know: Lucy Lawless Libel.

    • goonemeritus

      Still some old and poor people with food out there.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Merkel/Trump presser coming up.

    Oh, fuck. It’s a Friday.

    • Shoto
      • tomamitai

        There’s one in the back shooting phone video in portrait mode! Sad!

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Can’t wait for the Twitler feed tomorrow morning… *duck and cover*

  • dshwa

    The current leaders of “The Party of Responsibility!!1!”

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      They certainly are responsible for an awful lot of illegal shit.

  • TJ Barke

    Trump comp. The Nasty Vile Little Shart Mob.

  • DahBoner
    • georgiaburning

      That Ukrainian ethanol is a bit strong

    • Shanzgood

      That’s funnier than it should be.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    Thank you, Trix! I was able to read the whole thing without swooning for my deflowered republic because it’s just so dang 1930’s, see, and you mugs are all a swell buncha fellas, see, and have some caviar! It’s all there in black and white on a grainy screen and all we have to do is wait for all these goons to kill each other. I like it!

  • Clyde Barrow

    Duh, Wonkette libz! Killary’s emails, the thousands of American heroes she personally slaughtered in Benghazi, Canada. Bowling Green! You libz just can’t stand that you lost and America won!

    The mafia are real Americans who support their communities!!!1!1

    • JustDon’tSayMicrowave

      The mafia are real Americans who support “protect” their communities
      ftfy

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Hey, what about Sweden!? Racist!….

  • Sardonicuss

    Trumpco: Are there any crimes they aren’t involved in?

    • TJ Barke

      Probably not.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Section X. Crimes Against State Power
      Chapter 29. Crimes Against the Fundamentals of the Constitutional System and State Security

      Federal Law No. 64-FZ of June 13, 1996 on the Enforcement of the Criminal
      Code of the Russian Federation

  • Mr. Blobfish

    If we were going to elect a celebrity for president, why couldn’t it have been Ariana Grande or Bruno Mars?

    • Anna Rompage

      How about John Stewart?

      • Shanzgood

        Yes!!!

    • Clyde Barrow

      I vote for Carrot Top. That way when he pulls a Red Herring out of his arse, we get to see his silly props bit.

    • Jim QuinnX

      Colbert, bitch.

    • OrG

      Ice-T

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Hell, Kim Kardashian would have been a step up in the competency department…

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Neither of them is 35?

  • marxalot

    I’m saving these posts as material for my crime series.

    • Clyde Barrow

      If you do a crime series on the Trump regime alone, it’ll be a 4000 page book & a 3 month mini-series on the Investigation Discovery channel.

  • Bill D. Burger

    To client: “Trust me. We can….uhhh….adjust the truth.”

    https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/x/sleazy-guy-two-thumbs-up-15306938.jpg

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    “I disagree and, if I did, I never knew it,” he said.
    https://media.makeameme.org/created/now-thats-what-440py1.jpg

    • H0mer0

      Like the refrain in the musical “Chicago,” : “I didn’t do it, but if I did it, he had it coming!”

  • Shanzgood

    That picture makes him look like he’s getting a Brazilian wax.

    • snark-lurker

      how do you know about Brazilian waxing, humm?

      • Shanzgood

        I read about it on the Internet. Also Rule #34. And asking for a friend.

        • snark-lurker

          innernet is where i learn things too

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      Saul Goodman libelz!

  • Sardonicuss

    This whole administration is the Soprano’s without all the good food.

    • ltmcdies

      or the talent…

      • Proud Liberal

        Especially the talent.

      • Proud Liberal

        They are dumber than a bag of dicks.

    • Bill D. Burger

      …or the charm and ability to do anything.

      http://media.salon.com/2015/07/trump_soprano.jpg

      • Sardonicuss

        Well, when you think about it, all of Tony’s operations were ham fisted brute force shit that eventually ended up being foiled.
        He was a sociopath (admittedly a far more likeable one), self absorbed, surrounded by greedy bumbling incompetents for the most part, relied on the Russian mob to bail him out…
        Yep. Sticking with it. Just missing baked Ziti.

    • Fartknocker

      Or from the perspective of The Wire:

      For a cold-ass crew of gangsters, y’all carried it like Republicans and shit.
      —Proposition Joe

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    I’m going to enjoy watching that smug fucker wear an orange jumpsuit to court every day of his treason/racketeering/criming trial.

    • snark-lurker

      Agent Orange has signed pardon in his desk just needs a date

  • boyblue122

    OT – New prescription drug for Drumpf induced anxiety

    https://twitter.com/yashar/status/842756101967953922

    • JustDon’tSayMicrowave

      I prefer to pair that with Jailemol.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • boyblue122

      Wonder if Drumpf even knows that the Irish PM is subtlety insulting him with that speech

      • Villago Delenda Est

        This is a valid question.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Judge: “Mr. cmdr person, what do you have to say about your DWI?”
    cmdr person: “I bear no responsibility.”
    judge: “Um, it says on this police report you were driving, pulled over for suspicion of DWI after running into several mailboxes, arrested for and charged with DWI, booked and held over night in jail.”
    cmdr person: “I disagree, and, if I did, I never knew it.”

    For some reason, that didn’t work.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    He works for Trump…basically he’s a sleazier version of David Kleinfeld from “Carlitos Way” with the Russian monsters instead. Also his main client is scummier…

    • Clyde Barrow

      Sleazier than Kleinfeld? That’s pretty darn sleazy!

  • Nick Scroggs

    Fuck the rich, fuck the powerful. Fuck the mobsters, the white collars, the politicians, the lobbyists. We have tent cities and people sleeping on church stoops and bus benches, I just, they can rot. There, I said it.

    • Proud Liberal

      Standing ovation. I feel your pain.

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      But most of all, FUCK THE TRUMPSTERS WHO FUCKING BOUGHT THE CON JUST BECAUSE IT LET THEM SAY THE N-WORD AND EXPRESS THEIR HATRED OF WOMEN

    • Alan

      Not all rich people are jerks who made money by screwing other people.

  • Chadwells
  • Jim QuinnX

    This week has been an eternity of scandal. If Trump would just jet off to Florida and STOP DOING STUFF!

    • Sardonicuss

      He’s a 21rst century sociopath though. He can crime on the go!

  • Ωbjectifier

    “…and who owns a Ukrainian ethanol company…”

    So that’s where shitty vodka in a plastic jug comes from.

  • Chadwells

    OT: hmmm…

    “Secret Service laptop with Trump Tower floor plans, details on Clinton email probe stolen”

    http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/secret-service-laptop-trump-tower-floor-plans-details/story?id=46204467

  • proudgrampa

    Is it just me, or does anyone else think Cohen looks like a younger Jim Nabors?

    Absolutely no point to this post.

    • Sardonicuss

      I had him as the love child of Fonzie and Gomer Pyle a few weeks ago?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I think of a slightly retarded Kevin Nealon.

      • Vincent Ricola

        Cannot unsee.

    • Fartknocker

      He kinda looks like the Duggar kid who was finger diddling his sisters before he spent a year eating Nutria systems diet products and lost weight.

      • eggsacklywright

        Eating nutria will make you barf, so…weight loss of a sort.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Sez who?…

  • Proud Liberal

    Dr. Jennifer Melfi: “What line of work are you in?”

    Michael A. Cohen: “Waste management consultant.”

    • Teecha

      You waste ’em, we manage ’em

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      “Yeah, senatah, there were a lot of buffahs”

  • Chadwells

    Sorry…OT: perfect.

    “White House cites satire column to tout budget”

    http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/324489-white-house-cites-satire-column-to-tout-budget

    • Proud Liberal

      Jesus, these guys….

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • Chyron HR

      Fortunately, Juju was able to leverage Twitter’s user avatar feature to put a picture of a tick next to his name as well.

  • Shoto

    Preznit Shitferbrainz is live.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7HIFCwnPXQ

    • Oblios_Cap

      His hair is looking a little thin on top today. Fire the Stylist!

      • It must be an honor for trump to meet with the Leader of the Free World.

    • Shoto

      Notice how Merkel is basically winging it, whereas deranged orange man-baby read prepared notes, delivering the content like a particularly dull-witted 2nd grader.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Dull-witted 2nd grader libelz!

        • Ducksworthy

          More like Ralph Wiggum without the charm.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Can’t do it. I’ll wait for Trix to sort through it all for me (this is why I send her guilt-moneez)

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      How many times did he say “Believe me”?….

      • Shoto

        A very very buncha times, believe me.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Has the clip where merkel suggests to shake hands and Trump completely ignores her been posted already? Ik cant because on my phone right now but it is Just incredible.

  • Shoto

    Tangerine Twitler opened with his “NATO are a buncha deadbeats” shtick. Nothing stupid and tacky about that, right?

    • Ωbjectifier

      Takes one to know one.

  • Crystalclear12

    Everything is Russia with these people. Too good for a nice New Jersey mobster?
    Guess we now know why Christie didn’t make the cut.

    • Ducksworthy

      Napolitono would be the go to guy in Jersey.

  • Shoto

    And one of the biggest whores in Washington, Mark Halperin, gets the first question. Yeah, fuck that.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      When the reconciliation comes, Halperin needs to figure prominently.

      • Shoto

        Put him up against the reconciliation wall, which Joe-Scar and Sean Hannity will pay for, of course. Plenty of votes in there, too. Also.

    • laughingnome

      The questions ARE better in the original German.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        You know Merkel’s definitely are!

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    How do you disagree with your own
    signature? He didn’t say it’s a forgery. He just disagreed with his own signature, as though it has nothing to do with him. Don’t tell me we have to deal with Alternative Autographs now.

    • snark-lurker

      Alternative Autographs? i like

  • Ωbjectifier
    • Anna Rompage

      If you happen to come across it, the password to access the laptop is “password”

  • laughingnome

    Trump just said he was a traitor!!

    • snark-lurker

      repeatedly

      • laughingnome

        A free traitor at that.

  • azeyote

    everyday a new horrible is exposed – it is a never ending onslaught – i’ve reached Trump fatigue –

  • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

    Man, this guy is a real piece of work. He’s got “that” kind of face too.

  • Ωbjectifier
    • Shoto

      What the fucking hell would be wrong with using a Marlin Perkins-style tranquilizer dart? Doggie gets a nap, flights resume, everyone goes home happy.

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      “There just isn’t ready access to tranquilizer guns and darts in New Zealand,”
      Milkbone treats seem to be in short supply too.

    • therblig

      later tonight, when 50 bombs blow up all the runways, those fuckers will be sorry.

  • mardam422

    That’s not my signature. Nope. Not at all. Not mine. See how the “h” in Cohen, though I don’t think it says Cohen, see how the “h” has a sharp hump on it. That’s not how I sign Cohen. So if I signed that, which I didn’t, even if it says Cohen, which I don’t think it does, that’s not my signature.

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      And I’ve never seen that signature before, and if I signed it, it wasn’t me, it’s a fake signature, FUCK YOU

  • azeyote

    everyday a new horrible is exposed – it is a never ending onslaught – i’ve reached Trump fatigue –

  • Reading comprehension seems not a forte for Trump, his associates, or his supporters/voters.

  • Me not sure

    This is now playing out like a lost season of “Arrested Development”, except without Michael. Didn’t Gob make a yacht disappear, too?

  • boredcatlady

    Omg Michael Cohen (or as autocorrect likes to call him, “can’t hen”) is like THE lawyer type that ALL lawyer jokes are based on.

    • RugzYaBurnt

      Whadaya call a Michael Cohen buried up to his neck in cat shit?: Not enough cat shit.

      • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

        Whadaya call a bus full of Michael Cohens plunging over a cliff? A start.

        • Vienna Woods

          How many Michael Cohens does it take to grease a combine harvester? One, but you feed him through real slow.

      • boredcatlady

        I would love to do a Trading Places on that sick fuck

        • H0mer0

          All of them should have a Trading Places experience, to try to subsist on EBT and minimum wage; they only show compassion when it becomes personal.

          • boredcatlady

            Try to find one talk about domestic violence without mentioning having a daughter 😕

      • OrdinaryJoe

        What do you call a bus going over a cliff with Michael Cohen inside? An accident.

        What do call a bus going over a cliff with Michael Cohen’s seat empty? A tragedy.

  • rubikcube

    “Mr. Cohen would like to comment today unfortunately he is still in mourning the sudden passing of his dear friend and business partner Alex Ovonov, broker of the aforementioned Ukrainian/Russian peace deal and father to his beloved Ukrainian sister-in-law Oksana. So show some respect, you fuckers.” – A statement from Trump consigliori Michael Cohen

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      He’d wish he was consigliore, he’s just one of the “buffahs”

      • Transreason Maidenheader

        might make for another round of interesting hearings…”So I said ‘yea, sure, why not’, but it was all lies.”

  • therblig

    give trumpy credit for taking a chance on a young mouthpiece who only had tiny mob connections.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    The News Media and the Republican Party failed to really vet Trump.

    • Perkniticky

      Some journalists tried. But it was so much easier to just report his antics. And Republicans have become so practiced at sticking their heads in the sand, they don’t know how to do anything else.

    • Weevie

      Trump the Idiot has been well know for 40 years; his despicable business practices and abhorrent personal behavior have been publicized extensively. He’s just like he was in 1980. The Democrats messed up big time by taking the high road, not getting into the fray and ignoring the very few people who put Trump over the top. He won the EC with only a few thousand votes and only got 16% of the eligible voters. Doesn’t take much to Pull a Trump when no one votes.

      Thing is, most people couldn’t care less about following politics and make decisions based on party or emotion without deep review of candidates. Maybe this Trump Monster thing will change that.

      • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

        Hillary faced a thirty-year, billion-dollar onslaught of lies, slanders, and attacks, a craven media going along with it, internet result tampering, resulting in lies about her being entrenched on the first five pages of any Google search, a so-called “fellow Democrat” eagerly aiding and abetting the lies, brutal voter suppression,unconstitutional gerrymandering, “broken” voting machines in Democratic districts, a nasty streak of misogyny, Fox News, a vast troll army on social media, the FBI, and Russia, for God’s sake, and still won by 3 million votes, and you will never convince me that the tiny percentage of “winning” votes in those tiny counties in those particular states weren’t the result of voting machine hacking.

        It wasn’t her fault, or her campaign’s fault, or the Democrats’ fault, and she most certainly did NOT ignore the working class or the disenfranchised.

        It was a dirty, dirty election from beginning to end, and the fault lies squarely with the disgraceful, hateful, unAmerican, inhumane manipulators and machinators on the Republican and Russian side. Trump is just the useful idiot, the clown who could take people’s attention away from the filth behind the curtain. Blaming the Democrats is just another way to distract from the real problems and the real causes of this horrifying situation.

        • stubbornirishlass

          ^ THIS. So very much of this.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          Also, the American short attention span. 8 years of a Dem president, no matter how good or competent? Pffft, time to change the channel.

          • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

            I think you mean “8 years of a BLACK President”

        • Chris

          Thank you very much for this. After a certain point I thought I was participating in a different election from the one t h at was reportrd.

    • Popillius

      tRump proved to be a money gusher for the media. They gave him billions in free advertising by accepting every call he made to their studios and covering every minute of every rally and stump speech throughout the campaign.

  • Weevie
  • Longstreet63

    Who ya gonna believe? Him? Or some flimsy piece of paper with his signature on it constituting a legal contract?

    • phoenix00

      dead tree libelz!!

  • Lefty Wright

    I’m confused. That list at the end sounds just like Trump. Are we sure he is a real person or just a stand in for Trump, like Trump’s old spokesperson, John Barron. I checked on Wikipedia and apparently, they don’t even know when Cohen was born.

    • davidhollenshead

      Cohen wasn’t born, he is just another Lizard Man in a Human Skin Suit.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    So why has the president been surrounded all his life by sleazy, disreputable people. He seems like such a nice guy?

    • davidhollenshead

      Because Führer Trump the Traitors main income has been from Laundering Money for the Mafia, and now Russian Oligarchs. Of course other income came from scamming investors & running frauds like Führer Trump University.

  • psychobroad

    If I didn’t know anything about this guy, I would look at a picture of him and think what a dick. He is dumb, and is smart enough to know he is dumb, so he’s terrified that it any moment someone’s going to call him out on it. Everyone should, all the time.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Listen, everyone knows you can’t convict a conservative on fact alone! It wouldn’t be fair.

    • Keith Taylor

      It would be completely fair. I suspect that’s why the current breed of conservative hates facts so much and makes such tireless efforts to destroy all regard for them. Facts to a Trump accomplice are like Mortein to Louie the Fly.

  • Ducksworthy

    Oh wait, Russian mobsters? Now that’s a funny coincidence isn’t it?

  • YayConspiracy

    Swain the dramp!

  • phoenix00
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