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HE’S ALIVE! IT’S A JESUS MIRACLE!

Uh oh, it is like deja vu all over again! Crazy pants Trump pal Roger Stone, who has been like Trump’s political “guru” for years or something, and who also seems to have had some sort of private Twitter sexxx, during the election season, with Guccifer 2.0, one of the Russian-backed hackers who screwed with our American election, is one of the CIA’s hottest targets, according to crazy pants Trump pal Roger Stone. Like, the “Deep State” wants to go REALLY deep on him, because he is such a bold speaker of #TheRealTruth.

In January, Stone broke all our hearts when he revealed on the Alex Jones Real News And Information Show that he had been murdered to death by the “Deep State,” by being poisoned with polonium 210, which Russian intelligence has actually used to murder at least one former Russian FSB agent that we know of. (If you’re new, the “FSB” is like the Russian version of the “CIA,” just like “Canada SCOTUS” is the Canadian corollary to “SCOTUS.”) However, miraculously, Stone made a complete recovery from getting polonium-ed to death, glory halleljuah!

Until this week, when the “Deep State” tried to maketh murder upon him again, allegedly, in a car accident that happened, allegedly:

In an appearance Wednesday on conspiracy-theorist Alex Jones’s radio show, former Donald Trump adviser Roger Stone claimed he had recently been in a car that was T-boned by “deep state” actors in an attempted assassination. “They have poisoned me, they have smeared me, and someone in a car tried to kill me,” Stone told Jones, appearing healthy via satellite after the alleged accident.

Well, shit! America’s “deep state” must be totally DOY DOY DOY DOY DOY when it comes to trying to assassinate the all-powerful Roger Stone, if they keep FUCKIN’ IT UP like this! Because to be clear, Stone wasn’t telling some story about something that happened like last month, he was talking about a fender bender he had TODAY, March 15, 2017.

Let’s go to the Twitter reels:

That sucks, bro!

Good good, sorry to hear the old boxin’ eye might need some Visine, but otherwise!

AND YET HE PERSISTED! Let’s watch Stone’s WAR VIDEO APPEARANCE on Alex Jones today, to see if the patient can speak:

According to the Daily Beast, after Stone’s interview, he went to the hospital to get treated for this, the “Deep State’s” latest derpy attempt on his life.

We at Wonkette, despite our snarky demeanor, are very happy that Stone emerged from today’s car accident safe and sound, assuming a car accident actually happened, allegedly. That does not mean we are not allowed to laugh our fucking pants off at the stories he tells about how the CIA tried to murder him with cars, but an airbag saved his life, allegedly.

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[The Daily Beast]

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  • doktorzoom

    Thank god he had his Alex Jones Trucker Speed with him! That’s Alex Jones Trucker Speed — ask for it by name!

    • Reddishrabbit

      Uh, my firewall is not letting me click the link. Maybe it is trying to protect my blood pressure and or alcohol consumption.

      • Liberoid Ron

        Your firewall needs a better set of priorities.

        • Reddishrabbit

          I just hope it isn’t talking to my microwave.

      • doktorzoom

        Weird! Just google “Alex Jones Trucker Speed Wonkette” and you should find it.

        Also, your firewall is A Idiot.

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    Don’t drive into the tunnel Roger! It was painted on the side of the mountain by a wily coyote!!!!Bengaaaiii!!!11elven

  • ariel_gee_398

    So airbags saved him from serious injury – airbags that only exist in cars because of regulatory requirements. But his protege wants to get rid of all regulation. Makes sense.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QGO-fXh_w4

  • FlownΩver

    If these Derp Deep State monsters they keep talking about are so fucking incompetent why is anyone worried about them?

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I know an Australian lady who’s got a dietary cure for polonium 210 poisoning. I don’t know if she has a remedy for being t-boned by a car with tinted windows. Just be a tough macho guy I guess.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Or just buy an anti-tinted windows cook book.

  • Honestly, with how much this dickcheeze lies, I’m almost positive that cars don’t even exist…

    • willi0000000

      don’t make me walk over there, young man!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Meanwhile, no one noticed Nick Fury getting surrounded by DC police cars one block away.

  • Asterix

    We spend billions and billions on the CIA and they’ve fucked up THREE TIMES? I want a refund.

    • doktorzoom

      How do we know the CIA didn’t do 9-11?

      The buildings came down, didn’t they?

      (adapted from the much older “kill JFK/He’s dead, isn’t he?” version)

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Who did we hire? Stormtroopers?

    • The Wanderer

      Pshaw. The CIA tried and failed to kill Castro any number of times, and missed entirely. I think they subcontract their wet work to the Mossad.

      • cmd resistor

        However, if I were Stone, I would be wary of cigars. They might have perfected the exploding ones by now.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    Can you say “overly inflated sense of self-importance” children??

    • ariel_gee_398

      “We are fine, virile men. Not one of us is impotent, you slanderous…oh…never mind.”

    • Asterix

      It figures this asshole is besties with Trump. They’re both paranoid and delusional old men.

      • Mike Steele

        But only Roger has a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back

    • Suttree

      Shitweasel!?

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        Great job!! Also, too…we added the DVD package to our Netflix. First thing in the que? True Detective season one. We finished last night. It was even better the 2nd time!! There’s a wait on season 2, so when I get it, and it disappoints the hell out of me, I’m coming back to tell you how right you were!

        • Suttree

          Yay! It is a fun show to watch!

    • CeeQ

      So desperate to be part of the story. Makes up obviously made up stories to get people to pay attention to him.

      Roger dear – if THEY wanted you gone, your ass be gone. News flash – you’re nobody.

  • coozledad

    Deep state never T-bones. It’s always “sideswipe them into bridge abutment’ or “run off road in forested area, use machine pistols, bury body and machine pistols in shallow grave, cover car with pine boughs.” It’s in the goddamn handbook.

    • doktorzoom

      Serpentine! Serpentine!

      • tomamitai

        Why they remade that movie I’ll never know, no one could improve on the original.

    • The Wanderer

      Icepick to the back of the neck in crowded movie theater.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Wonkers, on the other hand, simply garrote them with a ballot printed on a long sheet of razor-thin paper — leaving no evidence. Our only calling card? The tin of canned clams next to the unfortunate victim.

    • frrolfe

      Don’t forget road tunnels in Paris.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    What an exciting life Roger Stone leads! Everyone and their mother is trying to vote him off the planet with polonium, speeding cars, and bad publicity! If only they’d thought of using kryptonite laced votes!

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Ugh. I’m going to have to go look for a “deep state” explainer, aren’t I? I’ve been trying to avoid it, but it’s going to come up at a cocktail party soon, and I don’t want to look like A Idiot.

    • coozledad

      It’s a weird place. Basic training is at the counter of DOT offices.

    • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

      In this case, and in Alex Jones’, it refers to the extent of submersion of their heads in their asses.

    • Suttree

      Are you trying to use it as a pick-up line? Just make shit up!

    • The Wanderer

      Methinks it’s another way of saying “Shadow Government” or a more Russianesque usage, “Dark Powers.” Supposedly these are the people who actually run things, like the Illuminati, the Gnomes of Zurich, the Beavers of Baden-Baden, and so on.

      • tomamitai

        I thought it was career civil servants?

        • The Wanderer

          Them, too.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        And yet you didn’t even mention Cher.

        …fuck! I wasn’t supposed to let that out!

  • Suttree

    Picture of the car or GTFO! I bet there was some scratched paint. If that.

  • And today i got the CAPTCHA ‘Nazi IMPASSE’

    Coincidence?

    • TJ Barke

      Have you been activated?

  • Shoto

    Do we know if the Nixon tattoo survived this Deep State Assassination Attempt? Priorities, right?

    • TJ Barke

      You mean the asshole on his back?

    • The report said he received minor Nixon cuts.

  • gamera23

    Damn CIA left a bike in my driveway again!

    • Suttree

      The CIA stole my chainsaw!

      • mailman27

        And where’s my fucking raincoat? Seriously!?!

        • Lascauxcaveman

          And they nabbed my big box of black/white photos that I shot and printed in my high school and college years. Ever since they went missing I can ONLY IMAGINE what nefarious purposes they have devised for them.

          • Mike Steele

            Why do you think the Internet was invented? You’ll find them on someone’s social media site:)

      • yyyaz

        And put it in my garage! The fiends!

      • elviouslyqueer

        The CIA keeps stealing my keys. And don’t even get me started on all the missing socks.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Those Legos on the living room rug? CIA murder tools.

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

        Those are no fucking joke, that’s for damn sure.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Maybe that’s what they should try with Stone next. I mean, I can understand surviving polonium poisoning, but no one survives stepping on a Lego in the dark. Added bonus: it will totally look like an accident. #withvotes

      • mfp

        i raised four daughters, the youngest of which is now somewhere near thirty…remember that old kid game ‘jacks’…with the little rubber ball and the pointy six sided metal things?…little girls, youknow–gootgawd i’d rather step on 100 legos than one more of those fucking jacks ever in life…if the CIA really had it’s assassinatin’ shit together, they’d know

    • mancityRed6

      The CIA drank all my orange juice and put the empty carton back in the fridge.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        THEN they left just a little jag of milk in the jug.

        • mancityRed6

          They’re always wanting me to smell my own milk to see if it’s spoiled

        • Thiazin Red

          That is so much worse than just leaving it empty. Why not just finish it at that point? Do you think someone is going to come along and want half a sip of milk? Just finish it or dump it out and put the damn carton in the recycling bin.

          • mailman27

            Save that anger for the Feds- your true enemy.

      • Thiazin Red

        I should apologize to my boyfriend. I’ve been blaming him for it this whole time.

    • arglebargle

      I may have to rethink my assumption that I lived next door to trailer trash.

  • Mpeg

    Dammit, wonkett – – you’re making me late for work getting away from work to go home, again. I have to pry myself away from this snark.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    He hasn’t got both oars in the water. Mind you, there’s a kangaroo loose in the Jones upstairs paddock so either interviewing the other could be a bit of a hoot.

  • The Wanderer

    Pfft. Bitch, please. If Someone wanted him dead, he’d would be pushing up daisies right now.

  • Thiazin Red

    Man, it looks like the CIA should have used the people the Clintons use. Those guys have killed like 5000 people haven’t they?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    He’s far too important to be captured, you stupid good looking.

  • Stone is paranoid and delusional. The t-bone accident he had today was the trump steak he ordered for lunch.

  • The Flaming Carrot

    Hillary Clinton has the world’s most incompetent death squad. They’ve been trying to kill Juanita Brodderick since 1978.

    • gamera23

      Hail Hydra!

    • boyblue123

      and they let Anthony Weiner live

  • arglebargle

    He’s just lucky he hasn’t made Hillary’s short list. Yet. Bwahahahahaha.

    • coozledad

      She’ll detach his rectum!

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    VVD wIns but more important: Greens and Democrats almost double their seats. PVV (the alt right assholes), Got a little bigger but nowhere near the expected rise some people predicted/feared and since the leftist parties grew so bigly Yoooge, they have really lost a lot.

    • The Wanderer

      YAY!

    • Good work, Agent Brandenburg.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Ode to joy playing while slowly walking away.

    • Wild Cat

      Ja! Gonna book my fall Amsterdam trip soon!!!!!

      • Liberoid Ron

        Be prepared – you might not be let back in.

        • Wild Cat

          I may not come back. Decent units near the Amsterdam ArenA are about 800 euros.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            In The Hague you can find beautiful houses around 200K for sale.

          • Wild Cat

            I heard The Hague was very nice, I should visit.
            I heard Amsterdam has a housing shortage—time for canal boats again?
            Or head up north of the Ij?

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            The Hague for sure. I am a born Amsterdammer but can’t afford Amsterdam any longer. Up north can be good but I will always prefer living in a big city. That might change when work is no longer that important.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            Let me know, I would love to show you around the city.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Go, Hollanders!

      Now, you French people, you’re up next! Do your duty!

    • CeeQ

      Woo hoo!!!!

  • The original description Stone gave to authorities implicated this unsavory fellow
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e8e0258386907fa6ca36ab587a1134a99bb9a5f75c9225cd3c3282449618ca18.jpg
    who was immediately arrested but apparently linked to Trump, causing Stone to revise his story.

    • theblackdog

      It can’t be linked to Trump, it’s not a smoldering piece of charcoal covered in ketchup.

    • Scrofula

      Whew! That’s some Kobe geisha-massaged beef right there.

    • elviouslyqueer

      T-boned? Pfffft. Rump roasted, more like.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Nice pica pole on that meat there.

      • A ruler that doesn’t lie.
        Refreshing change.

  • boyblue123

    Now that the CIA is in charge of drones theres no need for sloppy hit and runs or botched polonium poisioning

  • puredog

    I feel the need to post this again. Rodge brings it out in me.
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6JK_skUsAAp60u.jpg

  • Ricky Gay

    I bet he is has a huge rope worm too. He should talk to Belle!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Wow. Hanging around with Stone and Jones must be like living in a episode of Mission: Impossible.

    • arglebargle

      Mission: Unpossible

  • Vincent Ricola

    Or perhaps it was the Russians trying to take out the weakest link in their corruption club?

    Or a nice old that accidentally hit the gas instead of the break?

    Or a person that didn’t stop for a posted sign because they were arguing with their spouse?

    Or some rando who hates Roger Stone’s stupid face?

    The possibilities are endless.

    • Scrofula

      Or Roger Stone is a shitty driver?

      • gamera23

        He was driving on the passenger side!

        • Scrofula

          C’mon, I just did a quick scan before reading!
          Roger Stone in car accident, blames CIA, is wrong and stupid.
          It’s the gist that counts.

      • puredog

        While that may well be, he was a passenger in the car in this instance.

        • Scrofula

          Contact bad driving. He was probably barking directions and pissing off the driver.

      • Wild Cat

        Nyet. Nixon’s got his back.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “Blurred vision in right eye on which I had surgery for detached retina sustained in boxing match.”

    Oh good lord, somebody else that pissed off Alex Jones.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Not enough got detached in that incident.

  • DerpyGurdyMan

    [url=https://imgflip.com/i/1lh5sx][img]https://i.imgflip.com/1lh5sx.jpg[/img][/url][url=https://imgflip.com/memegenerator]via Imgflip Meme Generator[/url]

  • Wild Cat

    “Everybody must get StoneD . . . ”

    Fuck him. Fuck him since he, Roy Cohn, and The Great Dictator went chicken-hawking together in Times Square in the 1970s.

  • mancityRed6

    I swear to dog, I have been at work all day.

    • Isaac Heston

      I swear I’ve been there the last two weeks. And I’ll be there tomorrow, for sure. And ever again.

    • Mary Sandoras

      So your car is grey with tinted windows?

      • mancityRed6

        I prefer silver…wait.

  • TJ Barke

    If the deep state wants you dead, you get dead. They’ve killed foreign heads of state(but it’s been a while), some little rat dick like Roger Stone doesn’t have a fucking chance.

    • Raan

      The CIA is really good at killing people they want dead, with one notable exception, and time and cigars took care of that.

    • Scrofula

      Or the quote from that old movie where that kid makes a nuke, and John Lithgow says, “These people can lock you in a room and throw away the ROOM.”

    • Martini Ambassador

      And what would be the point, honestly? He needs a thorough debriefing for his treasonous ratfucking before he gets dead.

  • Oneofthebobs

    If the CIA would work more closely with the DOT, they could have disabled that airbag.

    • Suttree

      Couldn’t they just have hacked his cell phone to turned it into a bomb?

      • The Wanderer

        Have they hacked his microwave so they can watch him?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Stone SHOULD have noticed the microwave in the back seat.

          Just sayin’.

  • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

    This is actually written in a form of hidden word code: Using your Alex Jones Trucker Meth decoder ring (free with a $75 purchase) Car I was in T-boned by large grey 4-door -dark tinted wind shield – I was Passenger side magically becomes I was boned by 4 dark passengers.
    https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSP7b9joSflX3ng6XK-OJ9Dd_Y09I0MIeiYDo5EWSzAKzqfDgc2bAt56Qc

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Nah, he usually arranges that for his wife.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Be sure (damned sure!) to drink your Ovaltine.”

  • OrdinaryJoe

    This guy is a couple of chapters short of a James Bond novel.

    • Apple Scruff

      James Bond or Austin Powers?

  • whitroth

    Does he really think the CIA’s *that* incompetent?

  • Suttree

    Did this idiot spend the 60’s smoking banana peels? Or was he a victim of the brown acid?

    • Mary Sandoras

      Yes.

  • mailman27

    An overcooked T-bone w/ketchup?

  • Liberoid Ron

    Wow, that detached retina’s been getting quite the publicity lately. Kept him off a plane last fall, as I recall. Though the idea of Stone getting in the ring and actually risking his precious skin is beyond hilarious.

  • arglebargle

    “Blurred vision in right eye on which I had surgery for detached retina sustained in boxing match.”

    I call bull shit. If anyone got a free swing at him it’d be a dick punch for sure.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Yeah, well, that’s probably detached as well.

    • Oneofthebobs

      But a major blow to the head is a better explanation.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    (Let’s treat Stone like rape victims are often treated.) Did he call the police? Any witnesses? Did Roger submit to a drug and alcohol test? Has he been bad mouthing anyone else besides the “deep state”. If he hasn’t done these things, he’s probably lying for attention. It’s probably his fault anyway. He might have been driving seductively or something.

    • Mary Sandoras

      What was he wearing? Did he make eye contact with the driver? Was he wearing makeup?

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Was he sending the wrong turn signals? Did he unconsciously lead the t-boning car on? Why did he try to contact the deep state after the accident if it was an assassination attempt?

  • WiscoJoe

    Did the CIA also forcibly tattoo Richard Nixon’s face on his back?

  • Sardonicuss

    God damnit!
    Just goin to pretend the second half of that headline isn’t there. Tease.

  • JoeChristmas

    Seat belts and air-bags are liberal government overreach.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      “Hurdoy.” —Gary Busey

    • MynameisBlarney

      I believe that someone actually said that once.

  • Apple Scruff

    Wasn’t it Roger Stone who supported this guy?

    https://twitter.com/AP/status/842105421053755410

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He’s Estevan Rey’s best buddy!

    • Clyde Barrow

      Our Dutch friends have more common sense than reactionary snowflakes that like to call people snowflakes. Cheers for the Dutch.

    • arglebargle

      Geert Wilders anagram time!

      Lewd Register
      Elder Wig Rest
      Wet Legs Rider

      • The Wanderer

        Wet Legs Rider!

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Wasn’t that Rex Tillerson’s alias?

          • The Wanderer

            Could have been Gary Hart’s, for all I know.

    • gamera23

      But emails!

      • Clyde Barrow

        And Pïzzagate!

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Goudagate!

    • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

      Prolly both. Steve for sure. Maybe he’ll tweet a sad that we can point at and laugh at!

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    Before I start this evening’s snark, we have a safety moment.

    I sliced my finger with a kitchen knife when I was reaching into the dishwasher. I’m ok, just disturbed that it sliced away a bit of my finger nail and some skin underneath it.

    You’d think LOST would have taught me to be careful of loaded dishwashers.

    http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f37/adigallia9/gifs/262v87n.gif

    • Raan

      We always put ours blade down for just this reason.

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        In case you’re assaulted by hot Iraqi soldiers?

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

          It happens more than the lying MSM reports on it. The main reason for the inclusion of Iraq in Dear Leaders Not-a-ban Ban.

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      You have a dishwasher? Man look at you fancy pants!
      :-P

      Healing vibes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    • Martini Ambassador

      It’s in cahoots with the microwave, I tells ya!

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        It’s all starting to come together.

    • Jenny

      Deep state kitchen appliances!

    • Suttree

      Reason #2 I never put my knives in the dishwasher. Reason #1 is I have cheap knives that will rust.

  • Raan

    >Roger Stone
    >Deep State

    I think this is going to be my new “can you believe this bullshit” go-to.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/96643f73306ecaee27bd3f670334e85bd0fcb6b24267da288d6b64335369c90f.jpg

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    You know Mr. Stone has a point. Last week I was riding my bike in a snowstorm after a few vodkas in the tavern and was almost hit by – get this – three cars. Now I might have thought they were inattentive drivers on an icy road, but I am no longer sure. It was snowing, and they have snow in Russia plus I was able to snap a photo of one of the drivers.
    http://i1217.photobucket.com/albums/dd399/waynebuilt5/3qpacz.jpg

    • Reximus

      that’s a whole-lada-love

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Moskvitch set me up!

        • The Wanderer

          You’re just being ZIL-ly.

    • CeeQ

      Tinted windshield!! Smoking gun!! It HAS to be deep state. NO ONE ELSE would tint their windshields.

  • OneYieldRegular

    “Car I was in – I’m not bragging! – T-boned by large grey 4 door – dark tinted windshield – I was – I’m not bragging! – passenger side.”

    “I am fine after suspicious hit and run. Blurred vision in right eye on which I had surgery for detached retina sustained in – I’m not bragging! – boxing match”

    “Air bags – I’m not bragging! – saved me from serious injury. Not bragging, but insist on doing my InfoWars stint at 3pm EST. I’m not bragging!”

    • OrG

      It’s not bragging if it’s true.Amirite?

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

        And that is the question you should be asking, young grasshopper.

  • OrG

    Air bags huh? Thanks,Nader.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Roger got it wrong. The deep state first tried to poison him with bad chicken, pollo-nium.

    • gamera23

      Deep-state-fried pollonium.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        YUM!

    • TJ Barke
    • Isaac Heston

      El Pollo Loco

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Arroz con polonium. Dying once, dying twice, dying poison soup with rice.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    How much is Soros paying these clowns? They had ONE job to do. . .

    • Sardonicuss

      I don’t know, but for this guy, I would do it half price.

      • Belasaurius

        I’d do it for free, but Dad said if you’re good at something, never do it for free.

    • Jason

      He caught us by surprise, It was hard to build the necessary speed. Gonna lose some pay next month.

      • Jason

        Whoops I meant Soros doesn’t pay anyone.

      • Nockular cavity

        Fucking Priuses.

        • Jason

          Indeed.

  • bookish

    Tax March.
    Saturday April 15, 2017

    http://taxmarch.org/

  • vh

    i dunno it looks like he was t-boned by his own overwhelming sense of self importance.

  • ariel_gee_398

    Is there anyone in Trump’s orbit even slightly tethered to reality? Are they all living in their own delusional fever dreams or willing to live in Trump’s for the “prestige” and grift?

  • Clyde Barrow

    Worst assassins ever. Has he learned nothing from his Russian friends?

  • wide_stance_hubby

    I had some deep state impact on Sunday (hubby’s birthday) but even I didn’t feel the need to totally not brag about it.

    • vh

      good fer ya – not the not bragging part but the impact part. nothing like deep state contact for over all health and well being. it’s almost like eating a bag of kale.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Tastes a hell of a lot better, also too.

    • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

      But did it blur your vision?

  • Jenny

    I assume he didn’t go to one of those deep state hospitals, and instead hired a doctor to come perform stitches like mobsters or hiding criminals do.

    • TJ Barke

      The way that works is they pay for the doc’s med school, so they’re indebted to the mob.

      • DahBoner

        And the thin crust is fantastic!

    • Anna Rompage

      I believe he went to tRumps personal physician… You know, the guy who got his medical license from the bottom of a Crack JaCks box…

  • Jgb979

    Child please:

    If your Russian “friends/lovers/acquaintances/Grindr fuck buddies” wanted you dead, you’d be in the process if melting from polonium poisoning.

    Your dumbass just got in a wreck.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Chances are good that this “wreck” he describes didn’t happen at all. The man is as much a pathological attention seeking liar as Donald.

  • memzilla Ω

    BREAKING: Wikileaks Doc Shows Next CIA Plan To Assassinate Roger Stone
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9f96911418b057508bb32375f7b920625a58a8f8cc3a2488bbf91ee99b271380.jpg

    • Me not sure

      I have doubts about the whole lifting anvils with balloons thing, so it definitely looks like a CIA operation to me.

    • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

      “If you can dodge an anvil…”

  • So if the CIA was going to do this clown after T-boning his car, they would have checked and offed him to be sure.

    Sounds like the ass ran a stop sign and got hit for his stupidity. Oh and what happened to the other car? I am sure you needed that information for the insurance correct?

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    PVV won a bit but still only represent like 15% of the electorate. this made me cry some happy tears:
    https://twitter.com/NaomiOhReally/status/842113991442890757

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swAicg0GjNg

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The Pirate Party needs to up their game.

    • The Wanderer

      Will the VVD be able to put together a solid coalition?

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        They will need the Greens and D66 so that’s good news. Will probably be VVD/CDA/GL/D66 making it a centre government

    • vh

      whats the dutch abbreviation for wilders’ party?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Think that’s the PVV.

        • vh

          Partij voor de Vrijheid

          sounds like Party for Hoor Jihad in Dutch.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        PVV. Won a little but the fact that the pro EU cosmopolitan parties won is the big news this election. NO Nexit sympathy in the Netherlands.

        • vh

          I mean c’mon EU as an economic block makes eminent sense.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            Tell that to the Brits

          • vh

            they tend to be so self satisfied with their own eminence generally, that there is no rationalizing with them. :)

    • vh

      did wilders lose deposit?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    T-boned? Is he sure it wasn’t Tebowed?

  • Belasaurius

    wait, with Trump in charge, doesn’t that mean he controls the Deep State, whatever the fuck it is?

    • Mary Sandoras

      It’s kinda like playing “connect the dots” with a moran.

    • Jenny

      Someone has been out of the loop! It’s obviously that devious Obama doing the wiretapp and deep state-ing Trump. It’s all he thinks about you know. How bigly Obama’s deep state pounds into Trump…

    • Liberoid Ron

      So he’s the victim of his own nefarious schemes? MIND. BLOWN.

      • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

        I now have a better understanding of why so much shit comes out of Donnie’s mouth.

  • He sounds like he was in the same 3rd grade class room with 45. Sounds like that is as far as they every went in school.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    They mention “deep state” a lot. I think it must be code for a child sex slave ring run out of the basement of a pizza restaurant.

    • Suttree

      Wouldn’t the pizza place have to be in Chicago though?

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        The Obummerz are in on it! Kenyan soshulist Muzlin pedo pizza!11!!1!!

  • Manhattan123

    The CIA used to be much better at political assassinations. We really have stopped winning anymore.

    • whitroth

      Yeah, really, you’d think we’d all be wondering about Trumpolini’s jet crashing, and whether President Hillary had ordered it….

  • Rags

    The airbag – proud product of the Deep State.

  • Undocumented Skwerl!
  • Liberoid Ron

    Is it worth mentioning that the sole genuine news outlet that even mentions this little tale just says that Stone SAYS he was in an accident? You’d think there’d be, y’know, pics, or an accident report, or something.
    Oh, wait. Infowars. Never mind.

    • Truly Madly Derply

      Re-enactment of the incident reveals that, just as the vehicle in which Stone was a passenger (which begs the question Hey Rog, wtf happened to the driver?) bottomed out on a massive pothole, deploying airbags, the little kid riding in the car next lane over threw his Hot Wheels out the window; a horrified-yet-unimaginably-heroically-defiant Stone watched as it sailed in slow motion (as these traumatic things always seem to do) and bounced off the driver’s side door of his imaginary Batmobile.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    He’s OK – I really like “The Wall” and some of the solo stuff.

    • Opiwan

      Clearly the Deep State won’t let him have any pudding

      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        He didn’t eat his meat! How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      A car accident is definitely one of the downsides of hitchhiking.

    • tinker12

      I hear Roger’s starting up a tour — http://rogerwaterstour2017.com/

  • Truly Madly Derply

    Lucky for Roger there are such strict gun control laws here otherwise those Derp State bros might have finished him off (with votes) after the bungled T-Bone attempt. At least that’s the way I’ve seen these sort of things portrayed on that fantasy show “Homeland.”

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I don’t think he’s done anything I liked since Scarface.

    • NellCote71

      Thank you. I was worried about not-so-early onset Alzheimer’s, re: Roger Stone.

  • Shibusa

    Maybe Karma hit him.

    • Lambsendbeds

      My favorite bumper sticker:
      My karma ran over your dogma.

  • Brad H

    Oh silly Roger. All the best tinfoil hat types know that if the Deep State™ really wants you gone, they’ll tune your microwave to shoot deadly rays at you. You’ll wind up with an incurable brain tumor, dead in 6 months. Either that or a drone strike.

  • Anna Rompage

    Goddamn liberal nanny state has failed us once again!

    If auto mfgs were left alone to build the cars they wanted to build without any BIG GOVT INTERFERENCE, there’d be no such things as air bags, or crumple zones, and maybe, just maybe, the world would have been able to live in a little more peace…

    • whitroth

      Anna, you’re a woman after my own heart. And I love that pic of the Vicious Creature….

  • beavertank

    It sure is a good thing Roger Stone is so hard to kill. Normally polonium poisoning is the kind of thing that would leave you hospitalized for a very long time, assuming you survive at all. But not good ol’ Roger Stone. He was back out being an asshole the same day, I bet.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      with all his hair, too.

      • vh

        he’s an uber virile man who dislocated his cornea in a boxing match. you think he was going to lose hair bcoz of random exposure to a radioactive element with an atomic number 84? Polonium is like oxygen (8) for him.

    • Anna Rompage

      Polonium poisoning? Is that what they’re calling stage 4 syphilis these days?

      • Jason

        Damn are we talking trump now?

      • beavertank

        It’s only the lucky ones who die at tertiary syphilis. If you survive the full-brain-infestation it starts to infect your very soul. And then you turn into Roger Stone.

    • whitroth

      Oh, he was cured by using that Aussie’s cookbook….Y’know, the woman who was just found guilty….

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Thank Crom the kindly car companies voluntarily included those airbags!

    • vh

      i dunno know man, these common sense regulations are cramping my freedom

      • Truly Madly Derply

        “from being alive.”

    • Lambsendbeds

      The magic of the free market and all…

  • Crystalclear12

    Doesn’t the CIA have access to drones? Or, you know, bug spray?

    • James Yakura

      Drone car. Less suspicious.

      • Crystalclear12

        So Uber is in on it too!

  • Doug Langley

    They’ll never get him. You can’t kill a Toon.

    • Truly Madly Derply

      Perfect.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      I just got in a fresh supply of Dip.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Well both France and Germany are really happy Rutte won. Good news even though I am not a Rutte fan, this is good news.

    https://twitter.com/20committee/status/842119673554567170

    • ariel_gee_398

      Even though it wouldn’t have been the same as Brexit or Trump, it’s just so comforting to not see someone/thing batshit and xenophobic win another election.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        The Dutch always at your service and don’t underestimate our role in global politics. As some major political experts have said: what happens in The Netherlnds is often an indicator what happens in the rest of Europe and in the end in the rest of the world.

        • Shucky Ducky

          Thank you for voting!

        • h4rr4r

          Much like their windmills the Dutch are a great way to know which way the wind is blowing.

        • tinker12

          Love, love, love the Netherlands. I’ve been there three times. It’s the California of Europe, my other favorite place to be.

    • h4rr4r

      One Russian puppet down.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        This and the fact that we have had a 82% turnout should be energizing. Man, this is one of the biggest turnouts in post war history.

        • h4rr4r

          Too bad his party got 19 seats though. Clearly not enough weed being smoked these days by wood shoe wearing folks.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            We all need an asshole. The fact that our body constist of only 15 % percent poop makes me happy. It could be worse. It could rule our House like in another country.

        • whitroth

          The US is an absolute *disgrace* as a “democracy”.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            No it is not. Mistakes were made but this won’t happen next election. Sometimes people get lazy but what I have seen from the protests you will have a masive turnout the next time. Have faith. don’t get cynical.

  • DahBoner

    Airbags saved me from serious injury

    And just what the hell was Michele Fiore doing in Roger Stones car????
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a99a51aefc20c38eed09a9f55e31f4140793c18edc648a26cb416ccec5e590ae.png

    • Anna Rompage

      Jeebus chits… If Burt Reynolds & Ken Ham had a love child together, it would be that guy pictured above….

      • Wee Mousie

        And he would be shipping Coors through the southern states in a high performance Ark.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Those are “fun bags”…and they are permanently deployed…

      • Carpe Vagenda

        in a gravitationally improbable fashion

    • Ωbjectifier

      Need a structural engineer to design that bra.

      • Msgr_MΩment
        • tinker12

          My brother used to call bras ” an over the shoulder boulder holder.” A jock strap was a “lower decker pecker checker.”

          • TheAmazingAmateurHousekeeper

            Beware, they’re really booby traps.

  • Mike

    Damn, they probably should’ve used that microwave that turns into a Death Ray….

    • Reximus

      Dont worry, they’ve hacked his Sibian

      • Hairstrike Alpha

        You are a horrible, horrible person.

      • Ωbjectifier

        Not with a camera, I hope. No one needs to see that!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        He was rusty t-boned?

    • whitroth

      To steal the title of an old Eyebeam collection by Sam Hurt, “I know my death ray’s around here somewhere….”

  • DahBoner
  • Hairstrike Alpha

    I don’t know what’s funnier- that Roger Stone is such a bullshit artist that he’d fabricate an assassination attempt or that Alex Jones fans are so fucking gullible they’d buy it.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Not so funny when you remember how long Hillary’s been trying to kill both of them.

      • Hairstrike Alpha

        She’s gotta stop using the hitmen from Dumb and Dumber…

        • Carpe Vagenda

          since they’re clearly double agents for the Trump campaign

  • Mavenmaven

    Thank God he didn’t piss off PUTIN! Or even worse- HILLARY!!!!

  • Ωbjectifier

    Rocking the William S Burroughs look.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      He’s got a very pinhead-shaped pinhead. No offense to Zippy.

  • Poly_Ester

    You can be certain that Hillary WASN’T involved, she doesn’t miss, just ask all those people she has killed over the years.

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    My cat Mr. Whiskers and his 9 lives says suck it up Roger, you cupcake.

  • anon_the_great

    Oh Rog, if the spooks wanted you dead, you’d be dead. Now kindly STFU, M’kay?

  • canes_pugnaces

    there is no statute of limitation on crazy.

  • sadboy

    So much for Roger Stone’s importance. Deep State only reserves top-of-the-line assassins/patsies for serious targets. They apparently don’t think of Stone highly enough to send anyone better than a second-rate crew.

    • cheetojeebus

      interns

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      A second rate crews would have rented a party bus and made it look like the driver was distracted and collected insurance money. This wasn’t even amateur. The deep state gave some rocks to meth heads..

      • AJ Milne

        It’s the trouble with amateurs. Normally, when you say ‘try to arrange an “accident”‘, the pros, they get you. These guys, on the other hand, were all like: ‘Right, scratch his paint… We’re on it!’

  • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

    Maybe attempted Russian style assassinations are by Russians, maybe?

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Donald comparing himself to Andy Jackson today. Native Americans say wait until we get our rental car confirmations, we don’t want to walk again.

  • C4TWOMAN

    But airbags are part of an agenda of safety and regulations, and regulations are a way for the New World Order Illuminated banksers to kill us off because of “Georgia Guidestones OMG”.
    So why did that rogue airbag save him?
    What is it’s REAL agenda?

    • nightmoth

      Oh, lord—you know the Georgia guidestones? I live not far from them.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Oh dear, a lovely public art project turned into a kook magnet. Do you get many crazies coming through?

        • nightmoth

          They probably come through, but don’t stop in our little town. For a while there, psychics and new age healers from Athens were using the guidestones as a backdrop for their ads, which was amusing.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    True fact: The driver of the car was turned into a newt.

  • CATMAN

    Roger Stone has two assholes on his backside–it’s true! One in the usual spot and a tattoo of Richard Nixon’s face between his shoulder blades https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3737dd553f7bd8c3fbd1f5c49d3f14be199e4e4e806fb724c6fe1d9754f29df0.jpg

  • Mike Steele

    Hey, Roger…since it appears you may be the handoff guy for bagman Nigel Farage & his Assange playoffs, did it ever cross your sun-baked mind that the Russians want you dead…in which case, you needn’t buy any green bananas?

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    Official CIA response:

    Who?

  • schmannity

    Second attempt? You just can’t get good help these days.

  • cheetojeebus

    The way this guy is such a chatty kathy it’s the FSB he should really be ascared of.

  • tapp_my_wire,please
    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Yo dawg, I heard you were into buttholes!

      So I put a butthole on a butthole, with another butthole (not pictured)

      (thankfully)

  • Angela Ruzzo

    If the CIA wants to take you out, you will be dead. They don’t do stupid stunts like t-boning a car you aren’t driving. They wait until you are alone in the car and driving on a deserted road. At least, so I’m told by some of my too-fond-of-conspiracy-theory friends, who also believe that aliens kidnap humans almost daily, so take that with a grain of salt.

    The FBI, on the other hand (according to same friends), will either shoot you or get you for tax evasion or pedophilia or drug dealing connections, whichever they can prove first, and they prefer the tax evasion route.

    The local police will just shoot you.

    • honeywest

      This is Kaos. We don’t TBONE here.

      • An Outhouse for the Resistance

        Depends on the BONe. Some of them are mighty tempting.

    • Sheepshagger

      Hey they got Fidel. Nothing’s more cunning than using naturally occurring toxic processes to kill a guy of “old age”. No one suspects a thing!

    • NellCote71

      I think you need to be black before the local police will shoot you.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Wonkette, don’t hire this guy even if his name isn’t Ollie.

  • Iron Monkey

    T-boned by “deep state” actors

    Roger Stone assassination attempt or drug-fueled orgy?

    • Wee Mousie

      Roger is certainly a cheap date. If that fellow really care about him, he would have been filet mignoned.

  • ziggywiggy

    Wouldn’t it be really, really easy to get details on a hit and run car crash?

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      Roger was maybe a little tipsy and wrapped his car up and blamed it on the Poles.

      • AJ Milne

        William of Ockham concurs.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Roger? Who was really driving when you moved over to the passenger seat? Roger?…..

  • honeywest

    “I’ll be waiting for you to die” — Regina Hubbard Giddens

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • AJ Milne

    Pretty sure the Deep State is out to get me too. They just hacked my microwave to overheat my curry. If I hadn’t checked the temperature with my pinkie, they’d have totes got me with the ole plausibly deniable third degree burns to the tongue thing.

    • Sheepshagger

      “Youth canth plasthibly deny anththing. Basthdads!”

      • AJ Milne

        That’s what makes it such an insidious method! Itth hopeleth trying to exthplain yourthelf in the emergenthy room!

    • Spurning Beer

      I’m pretty sure Deep State shrank the waists on all my pants, too. Monsters!

    • Courser_Resistance

      The curry was in on it

    • Serai 1

      My phone rings a lot, and when I answer it, nobody’s on the line. OBVIOUSLY THE CIA OMG.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Wow, our intelligence community really is incompetent if this guy keeps surviving one assassination attempt after another.

    • Sheepshagger

      Rasputin on the Hudson?

  • Holly

    Is this guy related to Rasputin by any chance?

  • Kiri the Paid Protestor

    “There are a lot of killers. We have a lot of killers,” Trump said. “Well, you think our country is so innocent?”

    There it is, people. Stone is no longer useful to the Trump regime.

  • Spurning Beer

    Hey Roger. That airbag was a Democrat. No doubt about it. You’re welcome.

    • AJ Milne

      Flaming gasbags, on the other hand…

  • Courser_Resistance

    Oh, Christ on a Pogo stick, that’s my line! My almost 20 year old truck is in pretty good shape except for the driver’s side of the cab. I’ve been hit 3 times there, but thankfully none of them ever fucked up the door mechanism or anything.

    I just tell friends that people just keep trying to kill me. I have far more cause to think the CIA is trying to kill me than ‘ol WhinyFace. I don’t, for the record. Much more velocity would have been involved.

  • arundel

    This shitweasel is like a Doonesbury character.

    • AJ Milne

      Quite seriously: Trudeau himself has commented on this. You’ll notice: most real-world people referenced in the strip appear off-frame…

      Trump’s the exception. Because he pretty much already _is_ a cartoon, I recall was the explanation.

      (ETA: Oh. Right. Not Trump. But anyway.)

  • nightmoth

    Jeez, CIA–Fidel has died—don’t you have an unused box of exploding cigars you could try on Roger Stone?

  • Yr. Gma

    The CIA is very bad at murder.

    • nightmoth

      standards have slipped

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Depending on which state he was in (like South Carolina, say, or Texas or Florida) it was definitely a meth head whose insurance had lapsed. That’s the only real reason for a hit and run, and it happens all the time….

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    The only person in America who believes this particular line of bullshit is named Donald J. Trump. By the way, I just caught that particular asshole on the CBS Evening News. He was lying, as usual. Sez we’ll see “something interesting” regarding the wiretapp in the next couple weeks. Where have we ever heard that before? Oh, right. Obama’said birth certificate, that’s where. Are all sociopaths, by definition, liars?

    • Nick Scroggs

      I don’t know if Trump can be considered a sociopath, for one sociopaths are charming.

      • ThePuckStopsHere

        Psychopath then.

        • Nick Scroggs

          That sounds more like The Donald.

          • tinker12

            Twitler has been described by a by a mental health professional as a “malignant narcissist.” Sounds about right.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Obnoxious asshole, maybe?

          • AJ Milne

            We have a winner.

      • Keith Taylor

        Some of them. I believe they have no empathy or sense of restraint, so they learn to fake it to stay out of trouble. Being egocentric, also, they take it for granted that nobody feels anything that they don’t, or has any capacity that they don’t — therefore, everybody else is faking too, and the whole world is a big con game. So they can learn to be charming, if they’re smart enough, but I suppose there are some who aren’t smart enough, and those are the obvious ones with warning signs all over them. And even they can make a surprising amount of progress by telling people what they want to hear.
        I mean, I’m seventy … but if for some reason a dead ringer for Scarlett Johansson told me I was the most charming, devastatingly attractive man she’d ever seen … I’d probably ask reality to take a hike.

    • AJ Milne

      Ah yes. ‘We’ll see something interesting’.

      See also ‘I’ll reveal the plan when I’m ready’, and ‘I do _too_ have a comeback; its time will come…’

      See also ‘got nothin’… but implying otherwise is such an easy lie’.

    • Weevie

      It’ll be some asinine executive order outlawing Obama.

    • davidhollenshead

      Sociopaths are pathological liars, who can lie with a straight face. I have a non-blood relative who is one, the kind that will have you put in the trunk of a car, if you try to sue him & have a case.
      They may seem asinine, or personable depending on how well they read you, and figure out what you like.

  • Nick Scroggs

    Well, a little happier, Geert Wilders lost. Anyone want to go to Amsterdam to celebrate with weed and hookers?

    • Weevie

      Yay! Do they have $69 flights? Like they did to Norway?

      • Nick Scroggs

        No, best I could find was $595.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If the hookers are under-aged and pee, I am there bigly. No, wait, put that in quotes. Sad.

    • davidhollenshead

      You know that they can’t sell to an American or Canadian legally anymore.

  • bluicebank

    If I’m not mistaken, the CIA abandoned assassination via T-boning once an engineer showed them diagram “Brake Lines & How To Cut Them.” But only works for targets who drive around cliffs, so that didn’t last. So then they went with the old standby Gorgeous Blonde Laying In Road While Gunman Hides Behind Tree.

    “Ma’am, you OK?”
    Boom!

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      Columbo?

      • bluicebank

        Well, it’s a movie trope to be sure. Belied by the CIA’s incautious name “Operation Snidely Whiplash.”

        • Bad Tom

          Hey!

    • davidhollenshead

      Actually you don’t cut brake lines.
      A friend’s coworker had to testify in a case, because a husband found out what liquid to add to the brake fluid on his wife’s Mercedes.
      A whole lot of waiting in court to say that the car was fine when they serviced it.

      • bluicebank

        Let us not quibble about the whole brake line thing. Clearly one injects air into the line. Unless said target’s car is parked on a steep slope, and even then you have to also disable the parking brake, though if it’s a manual transmission and the target knows how to down-gear … as you can see, the CIA abandoned the whole op in favor of the damsel-in-distress tactic.

        I’ve said too much.

  • Persistent Demme

    So an airbag saved you from serious injury?
    Thank a libtard, asshole!

    • NellCote71

      And regulations.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Prolly not the first time he was followed too close.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I’m gonna need to see the long form police report.

    • davidhollenshead

      So you can read about that 1/2 inch. dent that a shopping trolley left in his car at the supermarket ???

  • Weevie

    This guy’s just pointless, no point in even insulting him. Where is he, in a barn in Mexico?

  • Weevie

    And furthermore, who would want to kill him? Deluded geezer.

    • mardam422

      Self-important people are always certain their lessers are trying to do them harm in one way or another. Shows how important they are.

  • thixotropic jerk

    Stone, I knew Castro.
    Castro was let’s just say an “acquaintance” of mine.
    Stone, you’re no Castro.
    Now Get The Fuck Outta Here With That BS Already Fool!

  • DustBowlBlues

    And this asshole is an old friend of 45. Does Trump have anyone in his orbit who isn’t a batshit conspiracy theorist? Fucking crazy. Sweet Jesus. Don’t bless their little hearts.

    • davidhollenshead

      Yes, Putin is a Sane & Patriotic Russian.

  • mardam422

    I think the deep state made my penis smaller.

    • NellCote71

      Excuses, excuses.

  • mardam422

    Was it the Clinton deep state, or the Obama deep state. I understand there’s two now.

  • thixotropic jerk

    I survived a kryptonite attack once by Lex Luthor that one time I thought I was SuperDuperMan!

    • NellCote71

      Was that back in the hacyon acid days of my youth?

  • TheGhostofEustaceTilley

    Did Obama do the boning on Stone?

  • tehbaddr

    The real story here is that Roger Stone was saved from polonium 210 poisoning by copious ingestion of Bunny Venom. I have worked with many toxins and venom for years, and have procured the most potent form of Bunny Venom from a very reliable source. TehBadDrs Bunny Venom, don’t settle for anything less!
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2bcccc1c4831823ed08ed2a305d31c3770ffe4f91510a53ff41e7b9f8459ed2b.jpg

    • tinker12
      • tehbaddr

        That shit doesn’t work! Try my Bunny Venom, or Bunny Venom Plus! The plus has some toad toxins for that extra kick!

      • Serai 1

        Actually, there’s some evidence that REAL snake oil was beneficial, due to it having a lot of protein and nutrients. (It actually was made from snakes.) Unfortunately the name stuck because of all the fucking dickheads around selling fake snake oil that was basically alcohol mixed with who knows what shit, and the real stuff got a bad rep because of it.

        • davidhollenshead

          Actually most of the snake oil was mostly alcohol and a form of opioid, with a little “snake oil” otherwise known as tea. Back when they sold the stuff, it was one of the few remedies for getting maimed in early America.

  • James

    On that airbag thing. The overwhelming majority of cars have airbags only in front of the passengers. If Mr. Stone’s car was t-boned as he claims, how come no injuries?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Uh, because it is all bullshit?

      No, like Mark Levin, I am not Nostradamus.

      It is just that Stone’s default setting is bullshit.

    • bobbert

      Actually, modern (last 5 years?) Cars mostly have sidewall air bags also. My kid was T-boned by a red light runner a couple of years ago, and neither he nor his passenger were noticeably hurt. A little sore.

      So the sidewall airbags work.

      • 3FingerPete

        Why was the CIA trying to kill your kid?

        • Serai 1

          Obviously because bobbert’s house is a hotbed of espionage.

    • Bill Slider

      My car, a 2009, has 6 airbags shared by the two front seats passengers, plus the steel crossbar in the door, and it’s not a Mercedes or BMW, but Japanese at $30,000 new.

    • Serai 1

      Driver’s side airbags are deployed from the steering wheel. I’ve not heard that they’ve been abandoned.

      • Heyzeus Ahchay

        Mr. Stone WAS the passenger-side (hot) airbag, but he didn’t get deployed until he want on TV.

    • TheBoatDude

      Some higher end cars have airbag curtains for side impact (e.g Volvo)

      • teele

        Roger Stone ain’t driving no wuzzy assed liberal loving Volvo.

  • Goposaur

    alas.

  • Run2Live

    More importantly, how are the cars?

    • bobbert

      Nonexistent.

  • Bill Slider

    If the CIA, FBI or the trans vortex butt plug goes after Roger Stone, he becomes history, poof.Forget the microwave, does he know that Canada actually sold many vibrators in the US that actually spy on your sex habits?

    • Serai 1

      Those newfangled cock rings sure sound suspicious to me.

      • Ill-Advised

        I didn’t know you could dial them.

        • Heyzeus Ahchay

          They run ads on late-night TV. 97 cents per minute.

          • Ill-Advised

            Booty calls ringing through those private dick lines present an opportunity for the right entrepreneur.

            Wire tap Stone’s ass via his cock ring for this limited-time-only 3-for-1 special: all the conversation, the kompromat, and an endless source of dick jokes! For a modest subscription, call Stone’s “biomicrophone” for the latest back-door deals, Trumpian musings, random gray market activity, and sexxxy times by ancient conservatives.

            Wonkette should start a Gofundme before the Internet of Things runs with this. Editrix would never have to ask for donations again. Some will pay to know, and some of those will be future Deleted Commenters opining on what they hear…ensuring still more dick jokes and subsidized satire.

            That’s the business plan. Whaddya think?

        • Serai 1

          They have computer chips that measure your heart rate, etc., and send it to your smartphone. Thus, they can be hacked.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Is that like a hipster engagement thing nowadays? These kids today with their newfangled dicks. IN MY DAY we used rubber bands…and liked it.

        • Serai 1

          We had to LICK those dicks clean! With our TONGUES!

        • TheBoatDude

          Was a bit hard on the pubes, though…

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            Shhh…I didn’t want to say anything in front of the kids but, yeah, taking the rubber bands off hurt like crazy.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wow, Roger Stone? Something’s clearly going on, ’cause just yesterday the CIA tried to poison me. Why, I smelled something weird in my coffee, and realized it was cyanide before I threw it out. The distinct almond smell gave it away. Okay, it was hazelnut, and someone had brewed it without telling the rest of the office that it wasn’t just plain. But it was a close call anyway, I tells ya.

    • davidhollenshead

      It wasn’t hazelnut, we added the antidote for the poison we put in the donuts, to the coffee. Sorry but if you threw out your dose, you have a few days tops…

      • Keith Taylor

        Let me refer you to a deep philosophical exchange from CATCH-22.
        “You’re really paranoid, with this idea that people are trying to kill you!”
        “People are trying to kill me.”
        “It’s the war, Yossarian! They’re trying to kill everybody!”
        “What difference does that make?”

  • azeyote

    i know something is gonna kill me for sure – could be any day – call me paranoid but when it happens you’ll know i was right all along –

  • 3FingerPete

    People aren’t always trying to kill Roger Stone, but when they are it is the Deep State.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1e9ad97b11210c063dd0b87f36cfc9c719ddd5cd653642c5aafbc210239466cb.png

  • zerosumgame0005

    the CIA has switched to cars from cigars like all the tie they tried to off Castro?

    or is it just the Universe trying to Error 404 him?

  • Relativicus

    I totally believe that he believes that people believe him.

    • Bad Tom

      Unbelievable!

      • Chris

        But likely true.

  • TundraGrifter

    Here’s the tidbit nobody – NOBODY – is talking about. Just what is Roger Stone’s organization? He worked with Alex Jones to get Trump elected, so it is obviously a political organization. It isn’t a PAC. It isn’t a registered non-profit. Just what the Hell is it? And how is it allowed to operate without registering with the FEC?

    Inquiring minds wants to know…and it would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      It’s a little 3BR condo in his head.

  • SkinlessGenderlessMan

    Wait… I thought they’d turned him into a newt? I’m confused.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      He got better.

  • Little Lulu Ω

    Why would the CIA do something today that God would happily do tomorrow?

  • wavicles

    Why, back when I was a young, if they wanted you dead, you got dead.
    We just don’t win like that anymore. Sad.

  • Heyzeus Ahchay

    Sounds like Mr. Stoned has been watching too many reruns of Get Smart. With his good eye, anyway.

  • Keith Taylor

    This reminds me of that constant claim on YouTube that Zechariah Sitchin was murdered to silence him about Planet X, or Nibiru, which doesn’t exist. But they were pretty late with the assassination, since Sitchin had written and published about half a dozen books on the subject (making large profits) before the killers struck. Also he was past ninety, so maybe, just maybe, his death had another cause … but I definitely believe evil left wing people are trying to murder Stone and just keep failing.

    • davidhollenshead

      His wiki page doesn’t indicate how he died.
      I saw one of his books at a friends place, I thought that they had it for humor. Unfortunately her husband had all his books, and believed them, so my laughing didn’t go over well.

      • Bad Tom

        I have made mistakes like that.

  • Begin Anew Day

    These deep state assassins sure ain’t like the assassins of my day.

    When I was making my bones i didn’t use radioactive gadgets or cars. I used my bare hands and a knife. I planted hundreds of useless shits like this bigmouth Stone and never once had one turn up thanks to my fishing boat and my cement mixer. And I did’t just give them a new pair of boots. I had a set of concrete forms in my garage and I entombed them in two or three cubic yards of well mixed cement. I had a forklift to load the blocks at both ends and sturdy chain hoists to make the transfer from dock to boat and then from boat to final watery grave.Yeah, I was a PROFESSIONAL. It sounds to me like this stone fella is just suffering from senile dementia.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      IK,R? And nowadays somebody is always asking for a favor. Uncle WTF I gotta B on my biology final. Could you, sorta, take care of my problem for me? Or some shit like that. Come on! Imma professional. Would they ask a doctor for a free apendectomy? I don’t think so.

    • davidhollenshead

      “I used my bare hands and a knife.”
      So you never learned that hatchets work better ???

      • Bad Tom

        The personal method is more satisfying.

      • Begin Anew Day

        Hatchets are strictly for angry wives and boy scouts.

        Give me 12 inches of cold carbon steel any day.

    • bluicebank

      Heh. You make it too complicated. Just hire some out-of-work Amazonian with a blow dart juiced with poison dart frog. You’ll have to get him through customs, though.

      • Begin Anew Day

        Haven’t you heard? The mantra is BUY AMERICAN!

        That includes my deluxe disposal service.

        • bluicebank

          You got me there. Last time I checked my herbs & essential oils website, they didn’t offer extract of Phyllobates terribilis, which is pretty much what you want. Nor does my local pet store carry one of these critters, probably because just one tiny frog has enough toxin to drop 20 men in a second. Way quicker than a knife.

          So Made in the USA only, huh? Sort of takes the whole exotic glamor out of the affair.

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      The Baltimore Canyon? Convenient to DC.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Deep State, they’re in the Big Ten or where?

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      Big game: Deep State vs Derp State?

      • BreakingDeadMen

        March Madness for real

  • davidhollenshead

    Mr. Stone,
    That was me, I made sure to steal a large car with tinted windows so you wouldn’t ID me. Too bad that the car wasn’t traveling fast enough, but next time I won’t steal a lame one from Bargain Night Auto Actions.

  • Grokenstein

    Ah well, you know what they say–try, try again.

  • Mack N. Nietzsche

    You would think that our CIA would be better shots.

    • davidhollenshead

      The CIA is waiting to add heart medication to Führer Trump’s Cocaine. Guns are too messy these days.

      • TheBoatDude

        This does something bad?

  • BigCSouthside

    Dude, Rodge,

    This is America, land of the free and home of the over the counter 14 round semi automatic 9mm. If they wanted you dead they’d just drop a few into your noggin and not even miss lunch, not hit you with a “suspicious car”

    • HarpyLibtart

      Or hit you with a suspicious car and THEN double-tap you, toss the gun and disappear in the commotion…either way, pretty sure the ‘deep state’ has professionals for that sort of thing, and you don’t get paid for a partial hit. :P

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      Remember, these are the same people who think Bill and Hillary personally murdered about 300 people over the years. Reality is only known to them in a passing sense.

  • Phoenixdoglover

    Tinted windows! I rest my case.

  • BigCSouthside

    5 of the 8 windows in my car are tinted. I iz gubmint assassin

    • TheBoatDude

      You have to have the windshield tinted, to qualify…

    • lurch394

      But does you haz cheeseburger?

  • LesBontemps

    More like Derp State.

    • Girl Scout Toilets

      Am I the only one that thinks “deep state” sounds dirty?

      • TakingAmes

        Nope.

  • nosuchuser

    Poor, little, sad tool just want’s respect for his opinions and ‘normal sized’ hands.

    Sorry slick, your opinions smell like a ‘I ate at Arby’s’ dump, and your hands are very, very small.

    Please keep licking that window; I’m sure you’ll find a gummy bear, eventually….

  • pixeloid

    “We at Wonkette, despite our snarky demeanor, are very happy that Stone emerged from today’s car accident safe and sound”

    Good for you, but apparently I’m not as nice. Although we’re not supposed to wish death or misfortune on people here, it’s perfectly fine to enjoy news of said misfortune. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0c0f64dfb5661a8c793826407c8d557cf07fd0b8022eb2265427501e5554cc3b.jpg

  • CripesAmighty

    Passenger side, huh? Musta been hard to crawl there in time, what with all the blown airbags and whatnot.

  • Themostunclean

    The CIA wouldn’t even need another car to kill you in an accident. Just hack your vehicle and run it off the road. And I thought he was supposed to be some sort of conspiracy theory genius. Nope, just a paranoid moron.

    Just an idiot who desperately wants to think he’s more important than he actually is. Idiotically bragging about his connection to Russian hackers and Wikileaks because it makes him feel like a special little snowflake.

    Nobody gives a shit about anything you say, Roger. Except maybe your loser alt-right fanboys. You’re really just an annoying obnoxious asshole.

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
      a Russian connection that he is bragging about …….
      There have been a lot of “accidents” and “unexpected deaths” and “taken out of FSB headquarters with a bag over your head” incidents lately. Maybe …. someone else … thinks ol’ Roger might “know too much”? And be “inconvenient”?

      • Themostunclean

        Very good point. Trump’s buddies in the Russian mob, oops I mean FSB, are much more brazen about taking people out as well.

    • penny stock

      We do give a shit because we want to see him do the perp walk as well. The FBI are getting new windbreakers and everything this season in preparation for all the tv time they anticipate having.

  • dslindc

    Oh, so that’s why this from January was in my feed this morning. I think both of his eyes are malfunctioning, tbh.

    https://twitter.com/stoneonstyle/status/823676971389427713

    • TundraGrifter

      Where did he hid Punxsutawney Phil?

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Shhh. She’s standing right there.

        • TundraGrifter

          I don’t think that’s very nice.

          • Jeffery Campbell

            It’s not. I’m ashamed.

    • TheBoatDude

      Christ, I thought he was playing dress up…

      • BrianW

        Apparently he thought he was going to President Hoover’s inauguration.

  • Isn’t 45 going to remove all of the regulations requiring seat belts and airbags?

    Stone had no business surviving but he was saved by the deep state!

  • Mr Canoehead
  • Transreason Maidenheader

    I know none of this crapeterium is very funny, but I can’t help but laugh at the illogic of the kinked mind: WHO would want him silenced? Not American intelligence agencies, surely – kinda obvious who might benefit…

  • Oblios_Cap

    Stone made a complete recovery from getting polonium-ed to death, glory halleljuah!

    There is no God.

  • TheBoatDude

    So, I didn’t graduate from DeVry Medical School, or anything, but how does one treat polonium poisoning? mylanta?

    • Vacuous Virgina

      No, YOUR Lanta 😅

  • mardam422

    It wasn’t actually polonium. He got a bad case of the runs after lunch at Pollo Loco.

  • mardam422

    Honest to fuck! These are the types of people wielding power in this country nowadays. Think about that for a minute.

    • Vacuous Virgina

      I HAVE thought about it for MORE than a minute 🤔

      We are living — as Robert Anton Wilson suggests as a possibility in the Schrödinger’s Cat Trilogy — in a novel. Perhaps a mix of Brunner/Dick/Ellison.

      I, for one, am enjoying it. More mileage for my drug-fueled attempted-escapes from reality 😉

  • The Librarian

    Faux accident?

  • Joe T.

    Roger Stone: “Oh wait—it wasn’t me that was injected, it was my wife. And it wasn’t polonium, it was a big black dick—while I jerked off in the corner.

    Note that TMZ says this really happened.

  • Panika MCD

    and just to think he don’t even like big gubmints that tell him that he needs to wear his seatbelt and that car manufacturers need to have dumb things like airbags. why can’t he just freedom himself to death? he shouldn’t be forced to pay for life saving things, but now that one saved his life, will he rethink this position? will Alex “I can’t stand the heat” Jones?

  • goonemeritus

    Fucking CIA, back in the day they would have run him over and then put their SUV in reverse and backed over him a few times just to make sure.

    • BrianW

      Exactly. If the CIA and the “deep state” are so damned powerful, why can’t they come up with SOME way to kill off this asshole? Dude, sometimes a car accident is just a car accident.

  • hendenburg2
  • motmelere

    Shouldn’t he be pissed off about the gubmint ramming airbags down our throats?

  • Teto85

    Roger Stone thinks he’s important enough to be assassinated. How cute.

  • Maybe

    Sounds like the deep state needs to hire better assassins.

  • pianoplayer1

    But, he did not wait for the deputy. Stone left the accident scene in an Uber, because Obama. And he survived polonium poisoning.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Bless his heart. Meanwhile, anyone hear from Ted Nugent recently?

  • themidniteskulker

    Grey (or gray) 4-door? Tinted windshield? Hey, I know that guy!! Good thing Stone got a description, he’d have got off Scot-free.

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