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Sean Spicer

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer today said that Donald Trump never really thought former President Barack Obama was wiretapping him or Trump Tower, and that you can tell he didn’t mean it because he put “wire tapp” in quotation marks, and everyone knows that “quotation marks” mean “don’t quote me.”

Come, Politico, let us copy-paste you so we can commence to hitting ourselves in the forehead with this large mallet:

Spicer claimed that the fact that Trump put quotation marks around the words “wire tapping” in one tweet was proof that he was not speaking literally.

“I think there is no question that the Obama administration, that there were actions about surveillance and other activities that occurred in the 2016 election. That is a widely-reported activity that occurred back then,” Spicer said. “The president used the word wiretap in quotes to mean broadly surveillance and other activities during that.”

He added: “It is interesting how many news outlets reported that this activity was taking place during the 2016 election cycle, and now we’re wondering where the proof is. It is many of the same outlets in this room that talked about the activities that were going on back then.”

Spicer had to use a whole lot of words to avoid saying “remember when the DOJ got Mike Flynn on tape talking to the Russian ambassador about Obama’s sanctions?” But even Politico isn’t falling for that one, because only idiots and Donald Trump but we repeat ourselves don’t know that the US regularly tapes the Russian Embassy, and Mike Flynn, having served as DIRECTOR OF THE DEFENSE INTELLIGENCE AGENCY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT BEFORE HE GAVE THEM A RINGIE DINGIE.

Here, let Politico laugh at Sean Spicer:

It is unclear what reports Spicer was referring to. News outlets have reported that intelligence officials have been investigating whether there were inappropriate ties between the Trump campaign and the Russian government. As part of the probe into the country’s suspected attempts to meddle in the election and regular surveillance on Russia’s ambassador, they have reportedly intercepted communications between some campaign aides and Russian officials.

So that is basically what we just said, but maybe even SNOTTIER?

Here are the tweets that Sean Spicer said was Donald Trump — the president of the United States — just talking about “actions about surveillance and other activities that occurred in the 2016 election. That is a widely-reported activity that occurred back then,” and “the word wiretap in quotes to mean broadly surveillance and other activities during that.”

Going from “broadly surveillance and other activities during that” to shitting on Arnold Schwarzenegger is what really ties the tweet storm together. But we guess if there really wasn’t a “wire tapp” at Trump Tower, Jeff Sessions can call off his investigation into Barack Obama and his terrible horrible no good very bad abuses of wiretapp power? Don’t be silly, then we wouldn’t get all those construction jobs for our FEMA camps!

Wonkette is dead now from hitting our head with this hammer. Please send money for our survivors.

[Politico]

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  • MynameisBlarney
  • BreakingDeadMen

    Garbage out, garbage out

  • Jgb979

    “He did a lot of coke, and is stupid, and hires stupid people like me, and this entire administration is just a giant middle finger to decency and respect for the rule of law”

    Probably doesn’t fit in a tweet

  • DahBoner
    • The Wanderer

      Wide stance!

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Wut?

  • The Wanderer

    I daily pray to Ereshkigal the Spiteful that She come out of retirement and lay some vote-filled smiting on this asshole and his band of smegma-slurping minions.

  • dslindc
    • Melindaccarter

      Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !dy250c:
      On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
      !dy250c:
      ➽➽
      ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs540WebFlashGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!dy250c:….,…….

      • dslindc

        NO. Your comment is bad and you should feel bad. You and Lori can fuck right off.

  • JMP

    How foolish of you, media, to believe that the President actually means the words that he says.

  • anon_the_great

    Neutron bomb DC. It’s our only hope.

    • The Wanderer

      No, too many innocent people live there, cheek by jowl with the Naughty Disgusting Amoral Assholes.

    • dslindc

      Ahem. Some of us, I assume, are good people.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Naw…too messy.

      I say we take off and stink bomb the entire site from orbit.

      It’s the only way to be sure.

  • schmannity

    Thanks for clearing that upp “President Trump,” if you catch my drift.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “I think there is no question that the Obama administration, that there were actions about surveillance and other activities that occurred in the 2016 election. That is a widely-reported activity that occurred back then,” Spicer said. “The president used the word wiretap in quotes to mean broadly surveillance and other activities during that.”

    Um, Donald was quite specific in his accusation that Obama was directly targeting HIM. Try again, asshole.

    • yyyaz

      Words have meanings? Pshaw.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Really. They had a whole week to come up with something, and this is the best they could do? SAD!

      • NellCote71

        But this is the greatest, most professional administration in human history. Donald told me so. Through my microwave.

    • NellCote71

      And during a specific time (October) and specific location (Trump Tower).

  • elviouslyqueer

    Cinnamon Orbit Spice’s tell-all memoir is going to read for such filth that it’s going to make RuPaul’s Drag Race look like Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.

    • yyyaz

      Sexay filth is much better filth.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      RuPaul – Sharon Needles 2020!

  • Ricky Gay

    Sounds like a Clayman strawman argument to me!

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    Every fucking day I think this administration can’t get worse.

    Every fucking day the administration says “hold my beer.”

    • goonemeritus

      And today they are governing like it is next week.

      • willi0000000

        they aren’t trying to govern . . . they don’t like governing or government . . . what they are trying to do is rule.

        [ if we let them do that they’ll never stop ]

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Give them an inch and they think they are a ruler.

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    When he tweets like this I believe we are supposed to look at what’s inside his heart. Or some God damn thing. That’s what I heard anyway. And fuck you too, Sean Spicer.

    • yyyaz

      Not all of us can afford an electron microscope.

      • NellCote71

        Much less an hourly MRI.

  • Greyhame

    It was a euphemism!

    • laughingnome

      Or a euphonium

      • willi0000000

        spelled “euphonyum” . . . ?

    • MissNomer

      *euphenism

  • LarryHoudini

    This reminds me of Spicer quoting Trump, saying that jobs reports “may have been phony in the past, but it’s very real now,” and then Spicer and the Entire WH Press corps busting a gut laughing. HA HA HA! IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S OUR PRESIDENT LYING HIS FAT ORANGE ASS OFF!!! A HA HA HA!!!!

    • suziq

      Fucking HILARIOUS! So darn funny I (literally) can’t stand it any more.

      • willi0000000

        can’t stand it? . . .c’mon over here on the bench* . . . have a seat before it fills up.

        [ * Group W ? ]

        • suziq

          Wait-I know who is on the Group W bench and…well I was going to say I didn’t want to hang out with those kinds of people but they are probably nicer than the crazy people who call themselves republicans. So thanks, I will see you on the bench!

  • schmannity

    Trump meant tapp like tapp dat ass. More locker room talk.

  • memzilla Ω
    • dslindc

      He’s pining for the fjords!

      • Sean will leave soon, to become…. a lumberjack!

        • MynameisBlarney

          He sleeps all night, he works all day, he goes to the lavat’ry!

          • MeerkatsRMammals

            Don’t forget the part about wearing high heels, suspenders and a bra… You know he does it in private ;)

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Stolen and pasted on Fjordspace.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      This is a cheese shop, is it not?

      • The Wanderer

        They don’t have Venezuelan Beaver Cheese, though – well, “not as such.”

  • Vincent Ricola

    Making up bullshit lies to get out of trouble got my 5-year-old grounded for a week. Just sayin.

    • cmd resistor

      Most kids whose parents are paying the least bit of attention would never get away with this crap.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    And as for those 22 meetings with the Russian ambassador: wake me when Obama lies about them under oath TYVM.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5f5781eba9d5092901aa0d6ec5730acacc7cb9a887ac4b0ad28c6b95b7131048.jpg

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    If this jackass keeps it up he’s going to embarrass the corpse of Ron Ziegler.

    • Even Baghdad Bob is going “Dude, seriously?”

  • MynameisBlarney

    “Getting real tired of your shit, Death.”

    http://img.memecdn.com/she-looks-so-done-with-his-shit_c_7135167.jpg

  • goonemeritus

    The Trump administration can “Suck my Balls”

  • canes_pugnaces

    When I said I directed Star Wars I was pointing out that if I had directed it, because I might have, if I had directed it, because in that case, the first second one, not the first, but not in the series but in the theaters, then it is true. I directed Star Wars.

    • EddieFrancis

      i understand you are the director of star wars. is that correct?

      • canes_pugnaces

        I didn’t claim I was the director, but of the movie, there is a director. I am.

        • EddieFrancis

          “well done”

      • WotsAllThisThen

        “directed” was in a comment, and comments are not allowed. So obviously this means any number of things, I’m surprised there was so much reporting about Star Wars at the time and now those same outlets are asking this question. Of course you can take comments at face value, unless it’s a joke.

        • EddieFrancis

          thank you for clarifying|obfuscating (please choose one, or two)

          • willi0000000

            clarafuscating!!!!

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      You’re grammar is to goodly done.

      • canes_pugnaces

        I speak bigly.

  • EddieFrancis

    Monty Python:

    “…may I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism
    in the British Navy. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there
    is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit”

    • NellCote71

      Perfect!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Honestly, this administration is like the Happy Days “Jump the Shark” episode on an endless loop.

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    Does this mean previous statements are inoperative?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      “inoperative”

  • wide_stance_hubby

    I can’t hardly wait for the next Big Stupid Thing to distract me from what’s really going on.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    So Trump will be apologizing for these blatant lies when?

  • Zonath

    The White House is apparently occupied by “intelligent” and “truthful” people. I’m sure the “administration” of “President” Trump will be wildly “successful” in Making America “Great” Again.

    • Jeffocaster in the desert

      The “So-Called” White House.

    • EddieFrancis

      all the “best people”

  • BadKitty904
  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    This is probably old news, but I wanted to check out Spice’s bio because reasons and I found this little ditty:

    “In college he was a student senator. In April 1993, he wrote a letter to the student paper, The College Voice, urging that new campus anti-smoking rules not alter existing accommodations for smoking during examinations, then submitted an angry complaint after they rendered his byline as “Sean Sphincter”, for which he received further ribbing from the campus satirical publication Blats. The incident was later cited as the beginning of his contentious relationship with the media”

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sean_Spicer

    And then I laughed and laughed some more.

  • BearGHAZI

    Take him for a lying moron, NOT literally

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    These people spend their days busily and happily stepping on their own cranks, but somehow its the fault of liberals and Obama that they can’t get their shit together long enough to #MAGA

  • Crystalclear12

    OK, I just went from disdain to full hate on Mr. Spicer.

    • EddieFrancis

      that’s a long drunk since inauguration.

      • Hutch

        First 51 Days = the cocktail “hour”

    • Bebecca

      Do they think the RWers are out there saying “See, I knew there was a good explanation”.

  • Wild Cat
    • Inner Venom

      Our current cabinet is the proof right wingers are looking for that white privilege exists. All underqualified, mediocre and come from well to do families.

      • EddieFrancis

        i appreciate that you did not use quotes around underqualified or mediocre

      • Wild Cat

        White privilege is a very sticky subject, especially if it’s enacted upon by a bunch of wankers.

      • FreeCandyVanDriver
  • Hutch

    Trump uses quotation marks like greasy spoons do on their menus; i.e., “hot” coffee. He thinks they’re for emphasis. Everyone knows this.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      He has the “best” words and the “biggest” er, crowds.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      “He’s” “the” “best ” “president” “ever” “.”

  • Swampay

    Spicer claimed that the fact that Trump put quotation marks around the words “wire tapping” in one tweet was proof that he was not speaking literally.

    Or maybe it just shows that Trump doesn’t do grammar so pretty good

    • ariel_gee_398

      Unpossible!

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      3 tries to spell “hereby”? He doesn’t English very good :(

      • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

        Hear, hear!

    • Master Contrail Program

      Ahh, “President” Trump did that?

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Welcome back my friends to the campaign that never ends…
    https://pics.onsizzle.com/trump-what-he-meant-was-5194913.png

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    I am dating “Halle Berry”.

    She’s “older” than me.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I’m having “sex” with her.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Liars gonna lie…

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    I think he used quotes around “wire tapp” because he’s watched too many old movies & he thought he was being cool & hep by referring to the tapp like the youngins.

  • The meaning of my words changes on a daily, sometimes hourly or minute by minute basis. You people need to check with us regularly to see if the meaning of his words have changed. It also helps if you take LSD.

    • Jamoche

      ‘When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, ‘it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.’

      ‘The question is,’ said Alice, ‘whether you can make words mean so many different things.’

      ‘The question is,’ said Humpty Dumpty, ‘which is to be master — that’s all.’

      Alice was too much puzzled to say anything; so after a minute Humpty Dumpty began again. ‘They’ve a temper, some of them — particularly verbs: they’re the proudest — adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs — however, I can manage the whole lot of them! Impenetrability! That’s what I say!’

  • Moebym the Persistent Returner

    OT: There’s disagreement over at JMG over whether the Equality Act is a pointless waste of time and a distraction from more pressing issues, or a welcome gesture of defiance against the Republicans and of support for LGBT Americans.

    I think it’s the latter. I don’t see how this bill in any way detracts from our efforts to get to the bottom of the Trump-Russia connection and defend the country from threats against our civil liberties.

    • HazooToo

      Contrary to concern troll beliefs, you CAN care about, pay attention to, protest, and legislate several different things at one time!

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Send Donald to Yellowstone where “maybe” he can still see a wolf and cry.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Did I miss the part where he explained why his administration demanded a congressional investigation of a figure of speech?

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      “Lock her up!”
      “Repeal and replace on day 1”
      It’s “not” a Muslim ban.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        “I can’t believe that!” said Alice.

        “Can’t you?” the Queen said in a pitying tone. “Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.”

        Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said: “one can’t believe impossible things.”

        “I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

        • Ducksworthy

          Once you can believe “guns don’t kill people, people kill people” doublethink gets easier.

      • gamera23

        Defeat ISIS in first 30 days.

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      In DonaldWorld, Oh, that story is so 2 weeks ago.

  • Inner Venom
    • C Bierbauer78

      The resemblance is uncanny!

    • Please. Spicey is a henchman, at best.

  • Painter of Swedish Tragedies

    Sorry Spicer that doesn’t cut it. He didn’t use quotes when he tweeted this:

    How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!

    Only the mindless rubes who follow him are going to buy your bullshit.

    • ariel_gee_398

      But there are so many mindless rubes…

    • Exactly who he was talking to.

  • canes_pugnaces

    It always seem to work poorly for Spice Boy when he opens his mouth.

  • BMW

    So Trump didn’t mean it literally, just like how he wanted to replace Obamacare with something “better”?

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    If words in quotation marks are open to interpretation and don’t mean anything, I would suggest that a person who is consistently referred to as “president” is illegitimate, inept, unqualified, and overdue for impeachment.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      “Quotes” are the new “votes”?

  • Rick Hill

    The old “Let’s make up a lie about what he said even though it was only a week ago and there is evidence to the contrary everywhere” ploy.

    • Bebecca

      He probably used quotation marks everytime he talked about Obama’s birth certificate and we didn’t know the lingo. Obama was “born”, like that.

  • Crystalclear12

    This explanation relies on us believing Trump has working knowledge of the English language.

    Assumes facts not in evidence.

    • Bebecca

      Language no, punctuation marks are a different matter.

  • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

    I am so tired of “winning”

  • going4baroque

    “”Wonderful things can happen”, Vincent said, “when you plant seeds of distrust in a garden of assholes.””
    ― Elmore Leonard, Glitz

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Quotes in a tweet mean his microwave sent it.

  • Mike
  • eyelashviper

    Wow, a new law put forth by the Hoofwanking Administration….anything in quotes is “just kidding”…

    • Rick Hill

      “What? You took us seriously?”

      • eyelashviper

        My microwave tole me to….

  • Rick Hill

    Maybe trump was just having some late night episode and what he really meant by Obama tapping his phone was something like this:
    http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/4909804/weird-guy-with-pole-o.gif

    • YoBunnyBunny

      What. In. The. Hell?

      • MynameisBlarney

        It’s the Innertubez…don’t ask…

      • Rick Hill

        I looked up guy hitting pole with his penis and would you know it? Tiny hand trump came up in the first five results. Also interesting, Discuss will not let you post “penis”

    • wide_stance_hubby

      The look that asks, ‘does this turn you on?’ I hate that look!

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      One weird trick the DMV doesn’t tell you about the magic white cane that gives a pedestrian the right-of-way over motor vehicles!

    • TheBoatDude

      I…. Aye?

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    CBO says premiums for Trumpcare will be 10% lower than Obamacare would be…

    By 2026. So, Hooray!

    • NellCote71

      And 21 million fewer will be insured. Even math-challenged me could have figured out that out. But “winning.”

  • Bebecca

    Maybe Sean could present the American people with a daily list of defined terms so we can keep us. They’re always one step ahead.

  • EddieFrancis

    “microwaves that turn into cameras”

    KellyAnne is one of Trump’s “best” people

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    “The president used the word wiretap in quotes to mean broadly surveillance and other activities during that.”

    Was he abused by an English teacher as a child?

    • laineypc

      Quite the opposite, I would suspect. There is a special counseling service developed for all his previously English teachers. PTTD: Post-Trump Teaching Disorder.

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        I meant Spicey. That “sentence” is painful.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Trump is setting new standards for grammar, thought and ethics. He’s a leader! Spicer is just getting with the program.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      ‘Even as a young child, Rtump struck fear and loathing in the hearts of adults. Youth pastors refused point blank to take him on any overnight trips and his priest flat-out quit the church when asked to take the lad aside.’

    • miss_grundy

      No, he slept through the classes and his father offered the teacher a “big donation” so that she would give him a passing grade.

  • laineypc

    His use and misuse of quotation marks is “robust”. This article gives many examples of his use of quotes on words that mean exactly what they are saying.
    http://www.chronicle.com/blogs/linguafranca/2017/02/01/trumps-use-of-quotation-marks/

  • Clyde Barrow

    So any use of quotations by the Trumpenführer administration is to be regarded as false news. Got it.

  • Suse

    When is this fucking nightmare going to end???

    • laughingnome

      When the allies (Canada, Mexico, and China) invade and restore our constitutional government.

      • Suse

        China?

        • laughingnome

          I meant Cuba.

          • Undocumented Skwerl!

            Oh you mean “China”.

          • laughingnome

            Gina

          • NellCote71

            Oops! Did not read downthread.

        • NellCote71

          Like when Peking became Beijing, I think we are supposed to call it Gina, now. At least, according to the “president.”

    • Undocumented Skwerl!
    • Clyde Barrow

      When a giant meteor, or better yet, many giant meteors coming from multiple trajectories impact Earth. Nature will start over in a few thousand years.

      • TheBoatDude

        Or not. Unlike people, Nature learns…the human experience might be wrapping up…

    • TheBoatDude

      4 to 8 years of initial damage, with aftershocks for 2 to 3 decades…

  • Jon Sussex

    “Widely-reported activity that occurred back then” = Trump “just found out.”

  • cmd resistor

    I must have passed the brain cell destruction barrier because I can’t even come up with a semblance of making sense of this shit anymore.

    • Same thing happened to me. Someone had to explain to me in small words that 45 invaded Syria last week. Because I am now A Idiot too.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      You ‘n’ me both.

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    Breaking. CBO: 24 million to lose insurance under ahca.

    • under_score

      Freedom!

    • therblig

      yeah, but they get to keep their non-doctors.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        The Rethuglican plan will give each of us a voucher for one prayer and laying on of hands at the faith healer of our choice, per year.

    • Notreelyhelping

      Oopsy.

    • Nockular cavity

      Yes, but they’ll still have access to insurance, so it’s all good.

      • Me not sure

        I have access to the bank, too. I wish I had money there.

      • Me not sure

        I have access to the bank, too. I wish I had money there!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      We’re gonna need some bigger bootstraps.

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        Can’t we just repurpose our tapp wires?

    • cheetojeebus

      Fucking optimists.

    • Doug Langley

      Feel the freedom.

  • Doug Langley

    Of course Bamz was wiretapping Agent Orange. And I played Robocop in the films.
    Well, I didn’t play him, but I was offered the role.
    Well, the director told me “You could be Robocop”.
    Well, I was interviewing the director and he said “The thing about the costume is that you can’t see who’s in it. Anyone could be Robocop. You could be Robocop. So the challenge Peter Weller had was . . .”

    • birdbrain53

      Would you believe….

  • goonemeritus

    I think libel laws cover this sort of thing.

  • Rick Hill
  • Shoto

    If there wasn’t a wiretapp at Trump Tower, maybe there was a wiretappp at Trump Tower, which would make it one step moar worser, right?

    Ian Masters with Patrick Tucker (Technology Editor, Defense One) from yesterday. Drag up to 2:30 to get past the intro. http://ianmasters.com/sites/default/files/mp3/bbriefing_2017_03_12a_patrick%20tucker.mp3

  • Me not sure

    OT: The CBO has just released its scoring for the Republican healthcare mess. It is BAD!

    • Rick Hill

      The “CBO” has it’s “scoring” for the helathcare mess

      • Me not sure

        Hahaha..”Just jokin’!”

    • Clyde Barrow

      And to think it only took them 6 years to come up with this atrocity. If they had real jobs, they would have been canned 5 1/2 years ago.

      • Rick Hill

        They actually had this 7 years ago, it just took 6 years of dumbing the electorate down enough so they could release it

        • Clyde Barrow

          You’ll have to forgive me, I partake in a lot of NorCal hippie lettuce. #KissMyAssJeffSessions.

      • Doug Langley

        While my resume is crammed with skills and I can’t buy myself a job. I’m losing the will to live.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          Don’t give up, Doug. Hang on. Seriously.

          If you need encouragement just remember that Sean Spicer was jobless for fourteen years and living in his mother’s basement until he landed a gig at the White House, shoveling shit upstream for minimum wage and a wedge salad per week.

          • TheBoatDude

            And stickers that say “classy” and “yuuuge” whenever he does something good…

    • cmd resistor

      I heard SAD!, Also, Too.

  • Rick Hill

    The “trump administration” at it’s finest

  • Shoto
    • Suse

      Oops!

    • Hutch

      Good lord! That’s my microwave repairman!

      • Suse

        OMG! He tried to sell me health insurance last week!

      • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

        Goddammit, that’s my Fluke meter! Give it back!

    • Wild Cat

      Can anything be heard in that cauldron of inanity over the constant sounds of shameless farting?

    • therblig

      nonsense, that’s Larack Tobama

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        “I’m here to whapp your phones. It’s a special technique that gets the dust of leftover old calls out of the lines. That dust builds up a lot if you make any international calls, especially to Russia. Their phone equipment is super old. I’ll only be a minute.”

    • Rags

      Phooooone sanitizer! Phooone sanitizer! Get your phooone sanitized before the B Ark leaves!!!

    • RobKanC

      Until the hipsters hijacked it and made it denote something imaginary.

  • Notreelyhelping

    I prefer to imagine that Spicer gets home, pours a whiskey, cranks up The Who, turns off the lights, and smokes cigar after cigar until the shakes stop. But I think it’s just as likely that he locks himself in the bathroom and whips his legs until they bleed.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      I think he just sits very still without blinking until dawn.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        I think that when it gets dark he flies out of the window and chases gnats and other flying bugs. When he gets enough he comes back in and hangs upside down from a picture frame until it is time to go to the White House again.

      • Notreelyhelping

        Like a Gila monster.

  • C Bierbauer78

    Is Spicer descended from a race of Dark Pixies (the nasty ones)?

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      Orcs.

  • DerrickWildcat

    What about MICROWAVE SPIES!!

    • Doug Langley

      “Microwaves” have “cameras”. So they can “spy” on “you”.

      • Undocumented Skwerl!

        I made sure I got a microwave with a 5 gigapixel camera and surround sound.

        • Doug Langley

          Try this one weird trick to turn your kitchen into a video production studio!

    • Clyde Barrow

      Notice how tinfoil causes sparks in a microwave. That’s all part of the greater conspiracy…

  • Rick Hill

    I don’t know why you “people” keep questioning everything trump does….

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I don’t know “why” either. I suppose we have “reasons”, don’t we? I’m just going to put things in “quotes” now at “random.” It’s “fun”.

      • Rick Hill

        You do this for “fun”. You must be fun at “parties”

        • Lance Thrustwell

          You bet your “ass” I am!

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

        “It’s” the “random” CApiTAlizaTIOn for a new “GeneRAtiOn”

        • Rick Hill

          Can’t we just put “,” in wherever we want? I have a whole box of them and need to get rid of them, somehow

          • Historicat

            The stupid, obnoxious people, the egregious abuse of punctuation – my god, we’re in The Phantom Tollbooth!

  • Lance Thrustwell

    But but but the second of those tweets didn’t have it in quotes! It says tapp my phones. Not in quotes! He meant it for literal! I can’t write good no more, Trumpp is breaking my brain. He not make sense. Spicer is big liar! Ugh!

    Seriously, I think the current administration is giving me brain damage.

    • Hutch

      Tarzan agree!

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Hulk smash!

      • Me not sure

        “Tapp bad!”

    • Rick Hill

      Again. trump is “lying”. Does that even have a meaning anymore”?”

    • Flashman

      The extra “p” in tapp signifies joke. Either that or else Trump just likes a lot of pee.

      • TheBoatDude

        Ppee, to be precise…

  • MynameisBlarney
  • therblig

    so, we get to use quotation marks like the alt-right uses parentheses, to identify someone as a worthless, lying sack of pig shit?

    “””trumpy”””
    “””conway”””
    “””spicer”””

    • Wild Cat

      Yes, as in “””the media.”””

  • BadKitty904
    • cheetojeebus

      “winning”

  • bumfug

    Spicer clarified: “By ‘phone’ POTUS refers to ‘shoes’ and by ‘tap’ he means ‘polish’. Obama buffed Trump’s loafers.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Neither DT nor Spicer knows shit from Shinola.

  • cheetojeebus

    I’ve heard from very good sources that Sean “Spicer” is a lick spittle carbuncle nibbling toady.

  • Crank Tango

    “Sad” end to “great” show.

    Fixed!

  • RobKanC

    So if we say Trump is the “president”, that makes him a false one. I like it.

    • Rick Hill

      Oddly enough, you get the same effect without the “air quotes”

  • DerrickWildcat

    He called his boss a liar.

  • Bebecca

    How does DT have anyone working for him still? Wonder what will be the straw that causes each of them to quit? Just today, one day, Conway had to tell us that microwaves are spying on us and Spicer had to tell us we should have known DT was just kidding because he put a term in quotation marks.

    • laughingnome

      It’s okay because “Microwaves” are spying on “us.”

      • Pilotshark

        dam that means i have to wear a bathrobe when i make coffee?
        brings a new meaning to those calories are watching you.

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      “Kidding”

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I heard Spicer sticks pickles up his ass and poops them out for trump’s amusement.

    • therblig

      he runs around yelling “look at me, I’m David Gherkin!!!”

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        NO RELATION!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Every emperor needs a jester. I’m going to start calling Spicer “Bung” after the jester in the comic strip. His boss is “Dung.”

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    These people have decided they’re the idiot whisperer and can make sense of all the mentally unbalanced shit Trump writes and says. Hey Spicee, sometimes an angry belch and a fart is just that…

  • TJ Barke

    Lying liar in chief.

  • EddieFrancis

    i can almost feel sorry for spicer and what he is being forced to do

    almost

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Nah. If you hitch your wagon to a braying orange jackass, you get all the scorn you deserve.

      • EddieFrancis

        i guess i’m going down the path that spicer must be challenged in some way to keep showing up.

        like one of those helpful folks at the grocery store that are intellectually disabled but rain hail or shine they show up to do their thing with the shopping carts

        • Mr. Blobfish

          Spicer is morally disabled.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          I’m gonna guess it’s the potential for being comfortable for the rest of his life on the sweet, sweet wingnut welfare.

        • therblig

          like spicer could manage shopping carts.

          • EddieFrancis

            i stand corrected

    • Carpe Vagenda

      I’m open to the argument that some people are working with Trump because they want to limit the harm he does to our institutions. Spicer works for Reince. He’s there because they want to use Trump as a flabby orange club to beat democracy to death with. Also, he’s apparently a racist asshole. Fuck him.

    • miss_grundy

      He should be followed by average Americans and asked questions. I don’t care where it is. Whether it’s the Apple Store or anywhere. People should make his life a living hell.

      • HarpyLibtart

        I know, I really want to send that lady a damn medal, mostly for asking the question, but partly for having the self-control not to smack him right in his smug smirky face when he tries to imply she’s not a real American…
        I could not have done it, that video would have ended with me being hauled off to Guantanamo for punching him so hard that the reeking orange abscess where his heart should be exploded.

    • OrG

      He isn’t being forced.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      That dickhead is being paid well. If he were up there like a braying jackass while someone had a gun to his head or a pitchfork to his ass, I’d feel sorry for him. As it is, if he collects his pay and deposits it so the little Spicer offspring can eat lobster and his wife can drive a luxury car, fuck him. Fuck him two ways from Sunday.

      • SnarkON

        With votes!

    • SayItWithOtters

      He can always put the demonic rabbit costume back on.

    • Flashman

      In fairness (sort of), I don’t think that Spicer or KaC or any of these other hacks have any clue what Trump meant or thinks or is going to do next. Nor does Trump, for that matter. They’re just trying to get through the next 5 minutes of their lives coming up with some halfway plausible, semi-defensible explanation for their boss’s BS. Also in fairness, they should burn in hell for what they do.

      • TheBoatDude

        Many years ago, a manager asked me how I plan my day. I replied that every morning, I check my e mail and voicemail and that pretty much sets my agenda. I feel something similar for Spicy amd K-Con: They probably wake up, drink a crisp cup of vodka, and check their Twitter feeds and Google news alerts to see what they have to clean up…

    • SnarkON

      They could always quit and get another job, like we ladies are all supposed to do when sexually harassed at work.

  • Rick Hill

    It’s a fallacy that trump “tweeted” this when he actually “twitted” it. Get your facts straight, “people”

  • Shoto

    Let’s watch empty-suit ZEGS Ryan try to tap-dance his way out of this one.

    http://www.vox.com/2017/3/13/14907100/cbo-report-ahca-obamacare-replace-read

    • Pilotshark

      well seeing there was 30 million sign up, and loosing 24 million there is 6 million that still have health insurance, see not all lost. /s

      republicancare/trumpcare needs to be hung around all republicans neck and kicked off the dock!

    • Doug Langley

      “No, don’t thank me, I’m just doing my job . . .”

  • BadKitty904
    • OrG

      Um…Joker libelz?

      • Liberoid Ron

        Yes. Because, sick and twisted as it may be, the Joker has an actual sense of humour.

    • EddieFrancis

      him relaxing at mar-a-peehole or whatever it’s called

    • BeverlyCrusher’sWig

      I see why he tans so hard now

    • phoenix00

      Nowhere near orange enough. Sad! Pathetic!

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    If smart, Spicer will soon limit press conferences to open discussions on proper creasing of pants.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Just impeaching this orange shitgibbon isn’t nearly enough. Where are the laws that say Congress can take this lying adolescent out behind the dome and each give him forty whackavotes?…

    • BadKitty904

      But it would sure make a nice start…

    • TheBoatDude

      Unfort, congress ain’t gonna do shit to him. He has the white trash sisterfucking Jesus blower vote locked up, and the R’s need that to survive politically…

  • Suse
    • OrG

      It goes to 11!

    • QHarp, Mujer malévola

      It’s like, how much extra p can the administration have? And the answer is ‘None. None more pee.’

    • SnarkON

      There’s a fine line between stupid and clever.

  • miss_grundy

    Look, forget about quotes or non-quotes. Here’s a link to a video of Bamz leaving a restaurant with Michelle where they had lunch with Bono. And the diners were cheering and applauding.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/03/11/obama-receives-standing-ovation-enjoys-lunch-bono-new-york/

    • Suse

      Sigh…

    • cmd resistor

      I don’t think that was a real “standing ovation,” though.

  • Rick Hill

    Ok. Needs be to counter this trumpshit with something beeyootiful
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUpHmmaiJJw

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    I suppose you don’t have to be good at lying when so many Americans are begging for the lies, and so many others don’t listen or care at all.

    • TheBoatDude

      Stop being so accurate…

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “Is it legal for a sitting President to be “wire tapping” a racist for president prior to an election? Turned down by court earlier. A NEW LOW!”

    Damn autocorrect, eh Turrrmp?

  • WiscoJoe

    Trump always tells the truth unless he’s joking but don’t take him literally because he should be taken seriously and no matter what you do don’t feed him after midnight or get him wet.

    • Darlene Underdahl

      Having known someone like him, he’ll let his lies stand unless you call him out. Then he’s joking. Rinse and repeat.

  • Chadwells

    “President” Trump…does that mean this is a joke and he isn’t that?

  • John Lo

    Insane Donald is such a liar coward, he has his sphincter, Sean, come out and say he, Lunatic Donald, was lying about Obama and the wire “tapp.” (sic erat scriptum)

  • Rick Hill

    Not wanting to forget “christians”. Thisis for those “believers”
    https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/ajXmrKR_460s.jpg

    • FWIW that thing looks like a bacteriophage so that’s probably not one we have to worry about. Although E. Coli are god’s beloved children too.

      • Liberoid Ron

        They must be. He made so many of them.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          They are holding our bodies together. Don’t knock them.

    • Ducksworthy

      Don’t worry. Its just a phage he going through.

      • mardam422

        Nice.

  • Translation: “The ‘wire tapps’ served their purpose of distracting the media from Russia, so everyone can shut up about them now.”

  • BeverlyCrusher’sWig

    Spicer just waited a week to let everyone know Trump didn’t mean what he typed because reasons? Makes sense. Honestly, this administration has got to have accomplished some world record for worst liars imaginable.

    • Bebecca

      It took them a week and this was the best they could come up with. But usually they just blow over any lies they are called out on-which is just about everything they say. I guess calling a former President a felon is more serious than their usual run of the mill lie.

    • HarpyLibtart

      That’s probably a good thing though – all the really smart, convincing liars know that Drumpf is riding the Oval Office like a drunken frat boy on a stolen jet-ski and they don’t want to be anywhere in the vicinity when he ramps it right into a fiery garbage barge explosion.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    Remember, this is the president that Trumpkins voted for because he is “a straight-talker.”

    • Liberoid Ron

      They never specified where he was straight-talking FROM.

  • ThatDale

    Oh come on, people, it’s not as if you expected the man to be able to spell surveillance.

  • Mel & Omah

    Proves it’s not wise to tweet *after* the amphetamines have kicked in but *before* the Xanax (especially if you already have a dark brown headache from last night’s Manhattans and suffer the side effects of finasteride).

    • Begin Anew Day

      Who knew donnie needed medical management for his social media!

  • CATMAN

    Golly Spicey, why don’t you just go with the obvious answer and say that Trump was “just hallucinating”

    • kaydenpat

      That would be too close to the truth.

      • TheBoatDude

        I’d appreciate that level of candor…

  • Ducksworthy

    “Liar!” (Please pretend I’m yelling that with the accent of Miracle Max’s wife)

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      (I love the hell out of Carol Kane)

      • LucindathePook

        Try to see Hester Street if you can, movie about Jewish immigrants on lower East Side. Funny, and Carol “wins.”

  • OrdinaryJoe

    So when Spicer goes in a circle to turn around on some stupid lie put out by Twittler, is that called a Crazy Donnie?

    • mardam422

      Yes, but he always goes right. Even at the bottom of the hour.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Excellent!

  • UnsaltedSinner

    When Trump said that Obama had his “wires tapped”, he obviously just meant that Obama had switched on his microwave oven.

  • kaydenpat

    So when do the American people know when to take Trump seriously?

    • Chyron HR

      We’ll let you know the first time it happens.

    • Bitter Scribe

      When he talks about how hot his daughter is.

    • Duke

      When their sons are drafted.

      • TheBoatDude

        Even then, the military will be spun up to a hyperactive patriotic fervor that would make Lee Greenwood seem like a leftish commie pinko..

    • SnarkON

      When the country is reduced to a smoldering, radioactive pile of rubble.

      • C Yah!

        When the public school kids are served bullet shells and ketchup for lunch.

  • boyblue123

    How bout let us know when clown face tells the truth for once

  • Bitter Scribe

    Hey, this makes perfect sense. Obama and his operatives probably read news articles about the Trump campaign during the election. That’s “surveillance,” isn’t it? And some of those articles were probably online. That makes it digital surveillance.

  • Annie Towne

    I can’t even follow this shit anymore. I think I’m going to stop reading everything except my old collections of Calvin and Hobbes.

    • Begin Anew Day

      Just upgrade the C&H to 33% of your intake. It’s amazing how much good that will do. C&H is powerful stuff so go easy at the start.

    • TheBoatDude

      When 9/11 happened, I bought a 12-er of Sierra Nevada and holed up with my Bloom County books…seems like a good idea, still…

  • OneYieldRegular

    Trump used quotation marks to indicate that he wasn’t really talking about wire-tapping but about some other kind of surveillance that he can’t name (ESP?). But where he didn’t use quotation marks he totally had his short vulgarian fingers crossed behind his back, so: Psych!

    • Themostunclean

      My theory is he just doesn’t know how quotation marks work. His other tweets seem to support that thesis.

    • Stulexington

      No wonder it takes him so long to tweet.

  • Flashman

    Wire tapp (A) is or (B) is not wiretap; Obama (A) is or (B) is not Obama; (C) joke. You have nine days to guess the right answers. Fuck this passel of mendacious scum.

    • phoenix00

      Shrodinger’s Quiz time!

  • MissNomer
  • SayItWithOtters

    So …. is this the official response to Walnuts’ deadline? “J/K it was a joke, Congress doesn’t really have to waste time ‘investigating!!!”?

  • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

    A correction on the headline, if you don’t mind: “Melissa McCarthy Impersonator Sean Spicer on Obama ‘Wire Tapps’: Never Mind, Trump Was Just Lying”

  • Vecchioivan

    “Bullshit.”

    • SnarkON

      “Meta.”

  • TootsStansbury

    So we can now replace with votes with quotes?

  • willi0000000

    Sphincter Spice

    [ just thought i’d share ]

    • “M”

      Snippy Spice.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    The crazy thing about this is that the same Trumpanzees who jumped on the bandwagon to say that indeed Bamz had wire tapped Trump, will now say they didn’t mean that literally. Or something.

    • “M”

      “Or something” is just about it.

  • Mavenmaven

    Or as Melania might say, “tapping” someone, it is just locker room talk.

  • John Mruzik

    Did anything happen while I was gone?

    • TheBoatDude

      Nah…same old…normal 24-hour revolving clusterfuck…

  • Paperless Tiger

    You know that thing about taking Trump “seriously but not literally,” right? They’re actually describing how to humor a crazy person. You know that, right?

    • “M”

      I didn’t know that.

      But I know it now.

      Do you have a citation, so I can literally throw the book at the rest of them …?

  • Panika MCD

    so what K-Con was saying this morning and this weekend was completely unrelated to Tsarina Short Finger’s tweets even though they were in response to questions about said twats and wiretapp in quotes is the exact same thing as that long thing Spice Spice Baby said–is that right? I feel like they should be building a decoder ring factory to produce the necessary supplies for everyone to understand what the fuck they’re talking about. just kidding–they don’t even know what the fuck they’re talking about.

    • Begin Anew Day

      They are running out of straws at the White House.

      “Quick, someone run down to the McDonalds, buy a small soda and snatch all the straws you can.”

      • Panika MCD

        paging Big Chris! WE NEED OUR MICKY D’S, HOLE!!!!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Still waiting to find out why Flynn was under surveillance.

  • Poly_Ester

    This is the problem with the MSM, it has no common sense, it can’t tell the difference between “Wire Tapp” and wiretap, two completely different things.

    • “M”

      Delete his account.

  • Truly Madly Derply

    Just waiting for Trump to “tapp” Miss South Carolina 2007 (a legit U.S. American) to replace this half wit. She’d probably do as well if not even gooder. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6908f1065ab15ceed7f54105e5bdaef5e6cefcfa111799796ac576f4381acb3d.jpg

    • Gregory Brown

      She will be an expert on “THE IRAQ”

      • Truly Madly Derply

        Muhammad knows this “administration” could use one.

  • NotConvinced

    It’s a damn Tsunami of Stupid.

    • TheBoatDude

      This is what happens when white trash gets into power…

    • C Yah!

      Best band name EVAH! 🤘

  • Begin Anew Day

    Great! Just fucking great! Here I am with this crappy toaster oven that can barely melt cheese onto bread and everyone else is partying with their ultra cool microwaves and toasters that went to college and have all these superpowers! THANKS OBAMA!

    Getting old sucks!

  • mt2099

    I think it’s great that the White House has clarified that Trump’s writings are not meant to be taken literally. Federal agencies should apply that principle to his executive orders.

    • “M”

      If only.

      Especially since so few of them are actually enforceable on, you know, Constitutional grounds.

  • Garbageman

    So, is it time to sound ‘Tapps’ on this story? (Sorry . . . )

    • “M”

      Not till Sessions resigns.

      Nice try, though.

      :-)

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    You know, it’s strange when you think about it, I’ll admit, but if we use the standard of “widely-reported”, then Sean Spicer is an asshole. Just sayin’.

    • “M”

      Everybody says it. Tremendous numbers of people.

  • Gregory Brown

    Every time I see Sean Spicer, THIS is what I feel like.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMDTXUO3dYE

    • agnosticsdonthatemuch

      You sick F&cker! I almost choked to death!

    • Mike Steele

      from dog people: that couldn’t be funnier:)

    • Millswiththethrills

      Aren’t those technically hair balls? For the record cats are assholes.

      • Gregory Brown

        That’s what they call them, and it’s what I feel like I have to raise every time I see or hear anything to do with the assholes in the “administration.”

  • Phoenixdoglover

    Tapp dance.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Produce? You mean we can’t just throw random, malicious accusations out there? Never mind then, watch while I do this finger quote thing, it’s as close as you’ll get to an apology…

  • thixotropic jerk

    But when DummTwat Rump does “digital surveillance” he’s really talking about probing his mean puckery orange asshole with one of his notoriously short digits to stimulate any undead remnant brain cells that he failed to completely shit out.

  • Jack Tenhet

    Can’t we just say that it would be somewhat awesome if Obama sued for libel? Not for money damages, but for as public an apology as the accusation was public. Someone needs to teach these people that, no matter who you are, you can’t go around publicly accusing citizens of felony offenses without FIRST providing compelling evidence. A lawsuit would be a good thing.

    • C Yah!

      Nah. I’d love to see Trump thrown in a Supermax prison. Film him 24/7 and NBC might have the best reality show ever!

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        I’d watch that. Hell, I’d watch that on Pay-Per-View.

  • freakishlypersistent

    Of course, this will be Republican shibboleth for ever more. Like Benghazi or the IRS, it will be true forever and ever.

  • Mike Steele

    And yet, DoJ has the balls to ask for another week to cook the books? Congress, you’d better see which side your bread is buttered on. Lord, never expected to dredge up that chestnut…

    • TheBoatDude

      We aren’t the ones that butter their bacon….and they’re acting accordingly…

  • Mike Steele

    No problemo, Sphincter. When 3rd Fatty over in RNK decides to lob in the big one, Trump can always fall back on ‘just kidding’, though that will be of little solace to our Alaskan brethren (duck & cover, Sarah)

  • Melindaccarter

    Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !dy250c:
    On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    !dy250c:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs540WebFlashGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!dy250c:….,……..

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH LORI??????

  • rick

    Here’s a pro tip for you Sean Spicey: Words have meaning and if you allege a former US president put a “wire tapp” [sic] on you – it’s going to be investigated.

    • Millswiththethrills

      45 is serious then threatening than like “naw man j/k you ever heard of Ashton Kutcher?” Come in people where is your sense of HUMOR?

  • AJ Milne

    Trump will still be tweeting attempted distractions and grifts as they drag him off to jail. The Samsung will be the last thing they pull from his hands. It’ll be ‘I was FRAMED by OBAMA HE’S the TRAITOR!!! SAD!!! Buy my prison mem…’

    (… and then, at long last, blessed quiet.)

  • William
    • C Yah!

      Trump, no KFC for you today! How about a big bowl of borscht!

  • ORAXX

    I go back to Harry Truman, and I cannot imagine any president in my lifetime surviving in office had they displayed the appalling lack of judgment Donald Trump shows us every day. The man has the impulse control of a five year old drinking Red Bull.

  • Millswiththethrills

    DJT and I have at least one thing in common: Ginger Spice was always my fav too!

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