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I make these meatballs once a year, because I am lazy, but Evan tells me today is Meatball Day, so here you are, they are good and delicious and shut up already.

What You Need

1 1/2 pounds ground beef
1/2 pound ground pork
2 eggs
Worcestershire sauce
Bread crumbs, like half a cup prob
1 cup milk
Onion
Garlic
Fresh herbs (basil, thyme and parsley are best)
2 cans tomato sauce
Pinch sugar
Some red wine
Olive oil
Salt and pepper
Also, a commenter reminds me that I think this recipe originally had a cup of parmesan cheese in it. So you could add that too, and probably should.

First we will make our sauce!

Chop up half an onion and several garlics, saute in olive oil a few minutes in whatever your biggest, giantest pot is. Add some of your fresh herbs, chopped up. Add two large cans tomato sauce, a little sugar, a little salt, a little red wine, put it on the back burner on low.

Now we will make our GIANT MEATBALLS.

Chop up your other half onion, a bunch of garlic, your other fresh herbs. Combine in a HUGE bowl with meats, bread crumbs, milk, a bunch of dashes of Worcestershire sauce and two eggs. Throw in some salt and pepper. I don’t know, like a half tablespoon, who measures salt and pepper? Take off your wedding ring if it will come off your swollen old finger, you are going fist-first into SO MUCH PORK.

Make the meatballs HUGE, like bigger than your hand if you have tiny Trump hands, or slightly smaller than your hands if your hands are regular. Now, in batches, we will brown them. You can do this in a frying pan or in your broiler. Make sure they’re browned on both sides, top and bottom, and remove them to the sauce. Make sure the sauce is covering; if not, add another half can of tomato sauce and adjust your herbs and sich to accommodate. Cover the pot. With a lid, dummy, Jesus.

Simmer for so long. Like, four hours if you’ve got the time. Every once in a while, make sure the balls on the bottom of the pot aren’t burning onto it; move them around in there. Make sure sauce is still covering.

If I didn’t have to sit there while the meatballs were browning, and get tongs and turn them over UGH SO ANNOYING, I would make these a lot more often, because they’re rad, but “three steps” is usually two more steps than I like to take for a dish, which is why my husband does almost all the cooking.

Serve in a giant white bowl as party appetizers, or from the pot with a slotted spoon. If your brother is over, he will eat them with his hands until you yell at him to SAVE SOME FOR OTHER PEOPLE JESUS CHRIST and then he will be all pouty and have his feelings hurt. Tell him it’s okay, he may have one more meatball. He’s a good brother.

Here is your meatball, if yours doesn’t look like this u fucked up.

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  • Chadwells

    As a meatball enthusiast, I approve of this post!!

  • Michael R
    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      Would not swallow that.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      The secret ingredient is sphincter!

      • Liberal Fascist Ron
        • schmannity

          You had BONELESS pork rectums??? Why when I was your age, our pork rectums were full of bones AND WE FUCKING LIKED IT!

          • Gayer Than Thou

            Been a while since I had a rectum with a bone in it.

  • theblackdog

    Looks delicious!

  • Chadwells
    • Michael R

      that’s a moray

      • Chadwells

        LOL!!! *shoots milk out of nose*

  • Mpeg

    I don’t wear any wedding ring but I do hate getting raw meat gunked into my other rings. Good advice, Trix.

    *regards illustration of meatball*

    if your meatball doesn’t look like this

    Say… you know what else that meatball *looks* like?…

    • Doug Langley

      My chances of landing a job? Seriously – I finally got an interview lined up today, then they “something came up” and they cancelled and MAYBE will reschedule. I hate everyone in the world.

      • Treg Brown

        So sorry Doug. That sucks ass. And not in the good way.

  • Inner Venom

    This should have been posted last week. A recipe for Swedish meatballs.

  • snark-lurker

    ?Q: Witch end of the ball is the top & whitch is the bottom?

    • Ricky Gay

      no sex ed in your school either, eh? :(

      • Yr. Gma

        It was right after spelling class.

        • Ricky Gay

          Thats to badd

  • Anna Rompage

    One trick I’ve found that works great for long simmers and to keep the stuff at the bottom of the pot from burning, is put all your stuff in an oven proof pot (avoid raw cast iron with acidic sauces) and pop it in a 300-325 degree oven.

    All you need to do is check it from time to time… If it seems like it’s too heavy of a simmer, you can turn the heat down to 250-275 degrees!

    • snark-lurker

      Sure, just drive in here & take over.

      • Anna Rompage

        After scorching a 5 gallon pot of home made tomato sauce, with tomatoes that came from the garden, I swore off stove top tomato sauce making (at least long simmers) forever!

        I tried to save it and use it for more intense stuff, like creole dishes, bbq sauce, and other stuff, but in the end, had to pitch it all because of the burnt flavor…

        • snark-lurker

          Ah: Experience! I have very little experience with this cooking thing but i guess i make purdy good chili & vegi-beef soup.

    • Liberal Fascist Ron

      One shouldn’t use raw cast iron anyway. Buy the utensil, season it with a nice hot oil (not motor oil – I’ll never make THAT mistake again) and threaten anyone who tries to wash it using soap with a painful, lingering death.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Suddenly my lunchtime chicken salad wrapped in lettuce looks like bland crap and I can’t stop craving meatballs.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Susan Stamberg libel.

  • Chadwells

    Ya know…cooking meatballs in the slow cooker is topps. (Like “tapp”…but with an “o” in honor of our moron in cheif)

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Michael R

    I would like to take this opportunity to recommend SIMPLY ENJOY marinara ,
    the first ingredient it tomatoes , most sauces boil the tomatoes down into a paste and then add water to bring it back to a sauce , and usually add too much sugar .

    https://s16.postimg.org/7ckk3wscl/simply_enjoy.jpg

  • Chadwells
    • rebecca

      seriously? almost.

      • Chadwells

        I actually was serious and holy shit they are YUGE!! That’s bananas!!

  • anwisok

    I want her balls in my mouth!

  • Indivisible Snark Tank

    If I may be so bold, Ms. Editrix, may I suggest you switch out dried oregano and basil for your fresh thyme? And mebbe substitute some crushed San Marzano tomatoes for the canned tomato sauce (like a 50/50 split between the two). (My Italian gramma made her marinara like that…)

    • rebecca

      oh, I forgot basil. Added!

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      San Marzano tomatoes 100/0 split = even better.

      Also, too. The way I learned to cook from my Nono Umberto is that you keep a loaf of bread and bottle of wine near the pot during the simmering process so as to properly taste test the sauce throughout the cooking time. Like every 5 minutes unless your wife yells at you that you have to save some for the company – it’s for Sunday dinner goddammit!

      • eka

        when the sauce starts to thicken i like to test it on a piece of really good bread with a nice crust – especially good if you scrape the side of the pot. that still counts as taste testing, right?

        and i agree completely on the tomatoes. also too, why buy sauce which is much more expensive and not as good as what you can make? i buy whole plum tomatoes and crush them myself

        • Anna Rompage

          Yeah, a good home made tom is pretty much impossible to beat. I usually grow approx 12 tomato plants into the garden every year. This allows me to make about 8-10 gallons of sauce through the summer months, that I then freeze for use later in the winter time

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Themz the romaz I growz in the garden.

  • Asterix

    I have a dutch oven purchased in 1946 by my grandparents. The thing is fucking huge! It has outlived 4 crock pots – so try buying or stealing a huge-ass dutch oven for yourself. I have a similar recipe to yours (but I include parmesan cheese) and dump everything into the dutch oven for 4 to 5 hours – no stirring. I make this once a month and freeze it for dinners. I do not share with my brothers because 1) I’m an asshole 2) they are assholes 3) they eat like pigs.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      A fine kitchen pot that’s very affordable. Lodge makes cast iron pans here in US America forever. But. They also too make enamel coated pots. But those are from china. They aren’t quite as good as the $300 French ones. But at $50 it’s a really good kitchen thing. But. It weighs a lot so get a color you like and leave it in the stove.

      • Anna Rompage

        I have one of the 7.5 quart enameled Lodge Dutch Ovens, and it is one of my favorite pots in the house!

    • rebecca

      I think the recipe originally did have parmesan, so I added that too. thanks for the minder!

    • Yr. Gma

      Those things are work horses. My daughter has one inherited from the other side of her family, and we use it for all kinds of family dinners.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Don’t balls have more than 2 sides?

    • Chadwells

      That’s like asking if there is life after death!!!!

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Or. How many angels can dance on the head of a ….

    • Latverian Diplomat

      More than the inside and the outside?

    • Anna Rompage

      top & bottom?

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Isn’t that a patty?

        • Anna Rompage

          There’s always the left side, & the right side too…

    • wide_stance_hubby

      It’s sides all the way around.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Obligatory. Are they as good as Schweddy Balls?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZDwx-_LQEM

    • wide_stance_hubby

      I have not had red meat in my mouth for almost 20 years, but I would sample Alec’s without a qualm.

  • Anna Rompage

    I tried your recipe and followed your instructions to a tee, but the meat balls came out looking more like deep fried shrimp heads…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6a145075073f8aaf3891d63f1719c7e2f28f3515e13e0b0f59dd133e4863840c.jpg

    • Liberal Fascist Ron

      This sort of thing often happens to me when making a tossed salad.

  • Chadwells

    OT: Gutless, spineless piece of coward shit. FFS, do these assholes have ANY balls?!?! (see how I made it about meatballs?!?!)

    “Ted Cruz Brings Daughters To Meet Dampnut, Who Insulted Their Mother And Grandfather”

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/ted-cruz-daughters-donald-trump_us_58c17b2de4b0ed71826a9c63?ir=Politics&utm_hp_ref=politics

  • Nounverb911
  • Liberal Fascist Ron

    This looks to be within my skill set, and the housemate could prolly eat them easily enough, but the last story has kinda killed my appetite. Think I’ll save it for a happier day.

  • Martini Ambassador

    I’m glad you mentioned the Wonkette brother. Because I was just thinking about him, being all long-haired and sexxy like Tim Kaine’s son. Sigh!

  • Nounverb911
  • Granny Sprinkles

    As she tends to do, Teen Daughter has adopted another one of her friends. No problem, we have room, we can afford another mouth. She ain’t gonna be livin’ fancy, but she’ll be safe and her needs will be met.

    BUT… After she showed up with her stuff and her broken little heart, SHE TELLS ME SHE’S A VEGETARIAN. WTF do I do with that?!

    • MynameisBlarney

      At least she’s not a vegan!

      • Granny Sprinkles

        Oh Dear Lord! Granny cooks with ALL THE BUTTER.

        • LesBontemps

          On the plus side, pasta primavera and salad is a pretty low-cost meal.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Really?
          Can I move in too?

          • Granny Sprinkles

            Sure! But since GenX Daughter is also staying here while her husband is at Sooper Seekrit Diver School, all the bedrooms are full. You can either share the sofa with 2 dogs and 2 cats, or you can have the basement with Grandpa’s server farm.

          • MynameisBlarney

            If you have a shed out back I’ll sleep there.

    • Tallmutha

      Say “Well, in this house, you’re a side-dishetarian.”

      • Tallmutha

        I’m kidding, of course. I would say “Good for you, you’re an example for us all,” and put some vegetarian meals in rotation. It’s good for your family and good for the planet. Sanctimony over.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          I liked your first suggestion better.

    • Proud Liberal
    • Royal Ugly Dude

      Do you have a Trader Joe’s? They have the best veggie meatballs (in the frozen section).

      • Granny Sprinkles

        Deep red WV doesn’t attract Trader Joe’s for some reason.

        • Royal Ugly Dude

          Oh, I guess Columbus OH is probably your closest one.

    • Anna Rompage

      I’ll often make meat more of a side dish when cooking for vegetarians, or in the case of something like a meat sauce, reserve a little bit on the side before adding the meat…

      You might also look at middle eastern & Mediterranean cook books that are either veg focused, or that have large sections on non meat sides & entrees…

    • Crystalclear12

      Tell her you’re a carnivore because you believe its cruel to eat things that are literally rooted to the ground and have no chance of escape.

      Who will speak for the vegetables!!

    • Liberal Fascist Ron

      I’ve never used a vegetarian in any of my meat dishes, but I’d think they’d be nice and lean.

      • hendenburg2

        I mean, I think cows are vegetarians?

        Pigs and chickens are both omnivores.

        • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

          Turns out, cows aren’t strictly vegetarian either.
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXhElaGCZVU

          • Royal Ugly Dude

            Don’t think a cow wouldn’t eat you, if it had the chance.

          • Liberal Fascist Ron

            Shifty-eyed bastards, planning for the day they get back at us for stealing all that milk…

          • hendenburg2

            Oh true. Deer have been known to go up to hunters cooking another deer and steal pieces.

            I’m thinking more along the lines of the controlled diets they have on farms

      • Yr. Gma

        Ben Carson is a vegetarian.

        • Liberal Fascist Ron

          He looks like a member of the ‘well, French Fries are potatoes and potatoes are vegetables, so…’ school.

    • calliecallie

      Salad. Always make a salad. Throw in some canned, rinsed chickpeas or cannellini beans for protein.

      My good stepdaughter was a Vegan for many years. My son was a picky eater. Trying to cook for the family was always a challenge. On Spaghetti night everyone would have their own sauce (pesto, plain butter, red with meat, etc). Thank God for the microwave, that’s all I have to say.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Assuming no one is too picky an eater, frittata or quiche is a good all sorts meal. Lots of soups can easily be made veggie by swapping out veggie stock for chicken stock. If you’re in to teaching self-sufficiency, this recipe is easy and tasty: https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/12221-mcbittys-bean-burgers

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Honestly, I would just ask her what is and is not acceptable to her.

    • Suttree

      Tell her that they are soy meatballs?

    • arglebargle

      Eh. I lived on cold cereal and ice cream for a decade or so till I hooked up with Mrs. Bargle.

    • suziq

      Make the parts separately so she can eat the “without meat” part-or better yet have her make delicious vegetarian meals for all. When my niece (who chose to be vegetarian at a very young age and has stuck with it) came to stay with us for a few weeks one summer we went to the library and got vegetarian cookbooks and I had her pick out things to help me make. Because usually she would eat junk food instead which is not exactly healthy.

      • Granny Sprinkles

        After a slow start (no warning!) I’ve managed to get a bit of a grip on the situation. But as a devout carnivore, it just seems so wrong. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is a no judgement zone.

        • Yr. Gma

          You are a Good Granny. If she’s not vegan, you can substitute egg and/or cheese dishes for entrees. Beans are also a good choice. I grew up in a half vegetarian family, so big holiday dinners had several different choices, and no one starved.

        • Historicat

          In case you need something a little bit fancy which still works for vegetarians:
          https://smittenkitchen.com/2009/01/mushroom-bourguignon/

        • suziq

          But also too, it sounds like you take a lot on and don’t need any more to do. Time for her to step up and help out and preparing meals would teach some good life skills and help you out.
          (Is there anything better than a great steak? No, I don’t think so!)

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent
    • Beanz&Berryz

      Kinda like kittenz

    • Lefty Frizzell

      My one-time colleague Jonny, in the staff canteen: Just the vegetables please – I’m a vegetarian
      Server: How about some gravy on that?
      Jonny: No thank you – that’s a sauce made out of fat and blood
      Server: Just a little bit?
      Jonny: [walks away, speechless]

    • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

      I had to put food on the table for years for my own goofy kids with their various food quirks, plus any strays who found their way to our table.

      I learned early on to enforce the Two Rules of Mealtime: people could have whatever they want for breakfast (based on whatever options were in the house), but when it came to dinner I was not about to be a short order cook.

      So dinner was what dinner was. But because of my childrens’ food quirks, I would always make sure to have a bunch of Stuff on the sideboard to fill in any gaps.

      In addition to whatever was for dinner (I am semi-carnivorous, so sometimes dinner was meat) there would be bread. Cheese, Salad, A platter of fruit. Antipasti. Olives. Peppers. Whatever.

      Stuff.

      Everybody always found something to gnaw on. Nobody went away hungry.

    • GemlikeFlame

      I’ve been a vegetarian (ovo-lacto) for almost thirty years. I’ve never gone hungry, even at a steakhouse (occasionally I’ve had to exercise some flexibility, but we all have to do that.) People who get worked up as to whether I can find anything to eat at wherever it is they want to eat and have the poor taste to want me along are overthinking things. Even in the south for which vegetables require a ham hock or two, If there are no obvious options, and there are almost always are, a gentle smile at the waitsperson and a polite request for pasta primavera does the trick.

      Worse comes to worst, it is immensely hard to screw up salad.

      As to suggestions, sauteed spinach is quick and easy to do. A little oil in a frying pan, couple of cloves of garlic, bag of grocery store spinach, and it cooks down in a matter of seconds. Pair with a nice sourdough or french bread with brie and there’s dinner.

  • Wild Cat
  • Liberal Fascist Ron
  • Shoto

    Looks like a very good recipe. And bonus: It uses the totally Kosher / Halal-compliant pork.

    Mmmmm….Meatballs. Or as the Italians might say, “Fuggedaboutit.”

  • Nounverb911

    Speaking of meatball brains, he really is living in his own world.

    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/839883804315684864

    • Chadwells

      Notice how he is not saying “fake news”? That seems like something of note…and I wonder why?

      • yyyaz

        “Fake News” is yesterday’s meme to destroy a free press. Pivot is now to call them outright liars to hasten their demise in the fucktards’ eyes.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      EmergeVictoriousCare!

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Every time I read one of this fucking moron’s tweets, I want to smash things. The idea that a President of the United States expresses himself like this is horrifying, and just plain WRONG!

      • Markuserektus

        Well, when you have a fifth grade vocabulary…

        • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

          And a fourth rate mind…

      • If it makes you feel any better, he’s not really a president of the United States, so much as Russian Deputy Foreign Minister of American Affairs.

        • Shoto

          Solid technical clarification.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Right? If your 12 year old was tweeting like this, you would take away his and/or her tweeting device mainly because you’d be embarrassed for any of your friends to find out your offspring was this dumb.

    • Shoto

      Preznit Unhinged Man-Baby.

      And speaking of the Republican plan (pffft) for healthcare, I called Senator Harris’s office today to state my opposition to it. Also, too, I made it a specific point to assert that ZEGS Ryan is “a stupid person’s idea of what a smart person sounds like,” and the emptiest suit in Washington. I noted further that the Democratic Party needs to start systematically attacking him on his crackpot ideas. Enough with the “Wonder Boy Wonk” shit, already. He’s a clown and a fraud, and needs to be publicly treated as such.

    • Jenny

      Most consider Picasso’s work as beautiful pictures…but that doesn’t mean it’s realistic.

    • ariel_gee_398
    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      WTF does that gibberish even mean?

      • Nounverb911

        Yes?

      • Liberal Fascist Ron

        ‘Despite what you hear in the press’ = don’t pay attention to facts
        ‘coming along great’ = nobody has a clue what they’re doing
        ‘talking to many groups’ = we haven’t been consulting with anyone who knows a thing about health care
        ‘end in a beautiful picture’ = photo-op for me!

  • Nounverb911

    Isn’t it easier just to go to Sweden and pick up some frozen meatballs at IKEA?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d64031ca8eea3889f91eb023b20aa0dd0c7a62839ee6faa6086ad2d84d91260a.png

    • Lefty Frizzell

      I hear Sweden’s pretty risky for white people these days

      • h4rr4r

        I r an moran and not understand this here joke/meme.
        Can you explain?

        • eka

          trump remarks about “what happened last night in sweden” which was … nothing. he implied some sort of terror attack or refugee violence, without any reality of course because why does that matter

          check out #lastnightinsweden on twitter for hilarious responses

    • Suttree

      They look like wrinkly testicles.

      • Nounverb911

        Joni Ernst is making quick work of the ‘Men of the GOP’.

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      They make vegetarian meatballs too, and they aren’t bad!

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Enjoy telling Republicans complaining about new healthcare bill, “It’s TrumpCare™” while you eat your meatballs.

    • suziq

      I think if we call it Trumpcare then Ryan and the rest will be able to distance themselves from it and Trump has no idea what is in there. Going to go with the “Republicare” I have seen elsewhere.

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        I am doing TrumpCare™. And I am calling them TrumpEnablers™.

        • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

          I like DonTcare.

      • canes_pugnaces

        I’m all about Trumpcare, if and because Trump has requested we not do so.

      • snark-lurker

        i ben thinkin the same thing

      • eka

        agreed, this has been ryan’s smarmy little pet project for years and he needs to own it.

    • Sister the Resister

      TrumpCare? SchmumpCare!!!! They gave this thing The Best Title Evah!!!
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/169731acaad5406a006917051289d900b2f5bbffa098ee5e1cb184980e419200.jpg

  • Msgr_MΩment

    OT: Paul Ryan defending TrumpDontCare: Tom Price can make the price magically decrease, but he’s not legally allowed to tell you how.
    Implied: “Believeme.”

    • Suttree

      I watched him explain something about his kids having tonsils. Then I drank heavily. The end.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Poor Senator cRyan has to own gummint health insurance.

        • Suttree

          I have no fucking idea what he’s blabbering about. Fuck him!

          • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

            He has no idea what he’s blabbering about either so it all evens out.

  • Jenny

    Oh this is a good idea! I am off this afternoon, the son will dig squishing meat together. The daughter will complain about the murdered pigs and cows, and lock herself in her room and refuse to eat anything but noodles. Typical good day!

    • hendenburg2

      I usually like to point out to vegetarians that animals fare no better in the wild, and point-in-fact, we don’t kill them with teeth and claws.

      • Jenny

        She has no problem eating chicken. Go figure. I guess chicken does not meet her cute animal standards.

        • h4rr4r

          Have you ever met a chicken? They are basically a vegetable. Like brocolli with legs.

      • Anna Rompage

        Animals in the wild are not contained within the confines of a giant barn, or over crowded pasture…

        I eat meat, and feel our meat industry has a long way to go to create a humane environment for the livestock

        • hendenburg2

          Well, first you have to actually define “humane.” Which is a big enough problem in and of itself, since the normal kinds of markers such as “free-range” don’t really mean anything (“free-range” just means “they have access to open space”. no requirements for how much or how often. And “cage-free” chickens are actually worse off than caged chickens).

          Secondly, you have to go to scale. With 300+ million people in this country, you can’t feed people without massive farms and agribusiness. If all meat was raised the way Whole Foods would like you to think that theirs is (It’s not. A Thanksgiving or two ago, investigators found that their “humanely-raised” turkeys were actually subject to the exact same conditions as most other turkeys), the majority of people in this country would be unable to afford it.

          But to get back to my original point, which was: animals raised for food are never in competition for resources, and never subjected to being hunted by predators. And when they are killed, it is humanely, either with a bolt gun or being quickly bled out (Kosher and Halal practice).

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        Why do you do that?

  • BadKitty904

    OT: The latest facet of Republican scamming…

    An Alarming Study Links Fraud in the Enron Scandal to Similar Practices at Charter Schools
    The charter-school industry — consisting of schools that are funded partly by tax dollars but run independently — is rife with the same types of fraud and mismanagement that led to the Enron collapse, according to a study published by three education researchers.
    http://www.businessinsider.com/are-charter-schools-the-new-enron-scandal-2017-3

    • h4rr4r

      Duh, the whole thing is a scam to get tax money into private hands.

      What anyone not aware of this fact? That is 99% of the time what any kind of privatization is about.

      • BadKitty904

        …the whole thing is a scam to get tax money into private hands the hands of Republican “campaign donor$”…

        Fixed.

  • Shanzgood

    Whew! That picture made me think it was an update on Roger Ailes.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      And the title

      • Shanzgood

        Maybe that’s what set me off.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Set and got are different.

    • Nounverb911

      Way too lean to be Ailes.

      • Shanzgood

        And too fresh.

    • hendenburg2

      I just lost my lunch.

      Which is impressive because I haven’t even had breakfast yet. (it’s 930)

      • Shanzgood

        Yesterday’s lunch?! Whoah!

  • VoterFraudingBigRedDog

    Great, now I’m hungry!

  • canes_pugnaces

    Shouldn’t today (no offense the meat balls sound delicious), but shouldn’t we be eating some sort of inverted pig rectum with Cheeto sauce and throwing back shots of vodka with wanton abandon in honor of the next four years?

    • eka

      maybe we should eat our elitist things like “arugula” or “any kind of vegetable” (i mean, other than ketchup) before they are forever banned.

      • Shanzgood

        And Dijon!

        • snark-lurker

          bookish is back

          • Shanzgood

            Got ‘er, thanks!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Borscht libelz!

    • Scrofula

      Take a break from the daily lunch special.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    I tried to follow this recipe and all I ended up with was a low budget Bill Murray movie. Any advice?

    • snark-lurker

      That is how it is supposed to end up.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Are you sure? I think maybe something was Lost in Translation. Maybe I just did everything too slowly, and I need to Rushmore?

        • snark-lurker

          me not sure about anything except some wimmins is goofy

        • ahughes798

          You have to do it fast and furious, or the results will be gone with the wind.

    • boyblue122

      i think you forgot to add the most important ingredient….canned clams

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Send it straight to video and streaming. Theatrical release adds a whole layer of costs. Unless of course you want to screw a production partner who has a piece of the profits and you have a piece of the revenue.

  • BadKitty904

    And in keeping with Our ‘Trix’s theme:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpZh7_pMdhw

  • h4rr4r

    You need some gelatin.
    Bloom it, mix it with chicken stock or better yet veal, and then let it harden in the fridge. Dice, and mix into meatball mix.

    Mind you I am cooking husband and yeah three steps is about 30 too few for any recipe I do.

    • hendenburg2

      I’ll have to try this at some point…

    • TheAmazingAmateurHousekeeper

      When you cook husband is it best to oven roast him or will pan frying do?

      • h4rr4r

        Depends on his fat content and age.

  • hendenburg2

    Why do people always try to make meatballs so fucking big?

    It’s a terrible idea! Ground meat loses moisture and dries out far faster than intact cuts. And yes, I know I know, there are some breadcrumbs in meatballs, but do you really think a few breadcrumbs are going to absorb all the juices coming out? No!

    Make your meatballs small, people! (This is the same reason why you should make burger patties thin. If you want a bigger burger, make two!)

    • Anna Rompage

      Some would disagree with that opinion….

      Personally I like a larger meat ball. Also the milk & the bread crumbs combo tends to give the meatball a light, delicate, almost fluffy texture…

    • h4rr4r

      You are a monster.

      You want a burger good and thick, otherwise you can never get a good sear on the outside and still have it rare to medium rare in the center.

      • hendenburg2

        Exactly the opposite, actually.

        A quick, hard flame is enough to sear the outside without overcooking the interior. A thick burger, on the other hand, must be cooked for much longer to let it cook all the way through. This requires lower temperatures, which make for a poor sear.

        Also, ground meat shrinks more and becomes tougher the longer it is cooked, to a degree greater than non-ground meat. Quick cooking is the way to avoid a dry unchewable wad.

        • h4rr4r

          YOU DON”T COOK BURGERS ALL THE WAY THROUGH!
          Medium means you overcooked it.

          • Scrofula

            IF you’re all fancy-pants and ground your own beef, sure.
            If you make it with supermarket ground beef, I hope for you and your family you cook that shit all the way through.

          • h4rr4r

            It’s fine. Live a little.
            A far worse fate would be eating overcooked meat.

            If you are worried that much buy the irradiated.

          • Scrofula

            Nah, I’ll take chances with all kinds of other food problems.
            Salmonella will make you miserable, E. coli from beef will kill you.

          • h4rr4r

            E.coli does not work that way.
            Can it kill you? Sure, but odds are against it.

          • Scrofula

            Tell me how E. coli works?
            Look, you keep rocking your red burgers, that’s all good. As long as my mother keeps buying supermarket on-sale ground beef, I’m cooking it through.

          • h4rr4r

            5% of patients develop the possibly fatal complication(UHS/HUS), 10% of those die. This is of people that go to the hospital. Most never get sick enough to go.
            http://patient.info/doctor/escherichia-coli-o157

          • Scrofula

            It’s like the salmonella in your mayonaise. It’s there, you eat it, you’re fine.
            You make potato salad for a picnic (no I don’t use mayo, but not for health reasons, it’s just gross) and have it sit in the car at a nice temp, it multiplies. Then you start evacuating out both ends.
            The act of folding the shit into your beef with questionable storage gives you enormous CFUs. It’s the numbers that make you sick, and they WILL; it’s not a case of “drink the solution and half will get sick”, it’s how much of the solution you drink.

          • h4rr4r

            Normally it requires mishandling at many stages, including the customer.
            That is why not everyone who buys the recalled beef gets sick.

          • Scrofula

            It doesn’t have to be “recalled” beef. It’s the case with any and all beef, and for ground, doesn’t require any mishandling. You put bacteria in a nutrient-rich anaerobic environment, and it will multiply over time.
            Hey, I eat raw eggs and unwashed produce all the time, undercooked poultry and pork, I let my veg. touch raw meat. I just cook my ground beef.

          • h4rr4r

            So far, 34 years of this ongoing trial and as of yet no such outcomes. I will continue my testing.

          • ahughes798

            You are correct. The more meat is processed, the larger the chance it will carry harmful pathogens. Hamburger is handled a lot during it’s journey. I cook mine mid-rare, anyway. Nonetheless, when we were kids, my mom used to give us little pieces of raw hamburger with ketchup on them. Hillbilly steak Diane.

          • Scrofula

            There’s always steak tartare.
            The little cornichons mask the pathogen flavor.

          • Scrofula

            They sell irradiated beef in the supermarket? They must have some other marketing term for that?
            I’d feel much safer with that, but I’d still cook the pink out of pre-ground meat, just to “kill” the cooties.

          • h4rr4r

            Yeah, irradiated beef.

            Then why even eat meat?

          • hendenburg2

            There’s nothing wrong with irradiated beef. Don’t make me launch into my “there’s nothing bad about radiation” mode. we’ll be going on for several Open Threads

          • h4rr4r

            Huh?
            I like irradiated meat fine. I eat it all the damn time.

            I was trying to respond to the comment about cooking the pink out of it. If you cook meat until it is grey you might as well not eat meat. That is a thing Trump does. Cooking meat all the way makes you as bad as Trump!

          • hendenburg2

            haha, my bad.

            But that being said, there is still a distance between pink and grey. Plus, you know, it’s still FDA-recommended to cook ground meat to 10-20 degrees above non-ground

          • h4rr4r

            Pink or grey is overcooked.

            The FDA standards are braindead. You can sous vide meat at 136F for 70 minutes and it will be pasteurized. 136F chicken will seem raw in texture.

            The FDA standards are not based on good science, they are based on the assumption that everyone is drooling moron.

            http://www.seriouseats.com/2015/07/the-food-lab-complete-guide-to-sous-vide-chicken-breast.html

            If I was going to follow the FDA meat cooking guidelines I would just not eat meat.

          • Historicat

            The FDA standards are not based on good science, they are based on the assumption that everyone is drooling moron.

            Maybe not everyone but there’s a pretty compelling argument that at least 25% of the population falls into that category.

          • Scrofula

            Alas, look, I wouldn’t, but I cook for my parents, and my mother buys the meat.
            Here’s how it works: say our fine USDA Trump inspectors miss the chuck roast that fell on the floor into that fine layer of cow shit. It’s on the surface. You sear it, it’s dead. Nice rare steaks, all good.
            Now grind the meat, so it’s folded inside. Let it sit on a truck with questionable refrigeration. Let it sit in the store. Let it sit on the counter. Warm it up to a nice modest temp on the grill, then sit while you make your burger. Now you’ve got a healthy colony ready to take over your intestines.

          • h4rr4r

            Steaks from chuck roast?

            The trucks do not have questionable refrigeration.

            If this is a real concern, sous vide. 136 for 70min, lower means longer. Tada, pasteurized meat.

          • Scrofula

            My mother continues to buy “chuck steaks” even when I explain to her that’s not a real thing (they absolutely sell them, cause cheap!).

            Whole point is you can make a thinner burger to cook it medium. It works just fine.

          • h4rr4r

            The point is medium is way overcooked.

          • Scrofula

            Then grind your own.

          • Anna Rompage

            It might seem all fancy pants to grind your own meat, but it’s really not…

            I have an electric counter top meat grinder I bought for $140, buy chuck roasts when they’re on sale, and grind my own. It actually costs the same or less to make 100% ground chuck than it is to buy “ground beef”

            Also pound of store bought ground beef can contain meat from up to 5000 or more animals, not to mention, e-coli and other pathogens.

          • Scrofula

            I occasionally (often) cook with liquid enhancement, and while I can risk losing a finger with sharp objects, a meat grinder on the counter is just a no-go.

          • Anna Rompage

            No fingers in the hole, just the plunger! A good rule even when you’re sober!

          • h4rr4r

            THIS!

          • hendenburg2

            get a manual model.

          • Scrofula

            My hands are what I’m worried about!

          • hendenburg2

            exactly. if you have a manual, you can turn the grinder only when your hands are clear away from the tube!

          • ahughes798

            It would be hard to hurt yourself on a manual meat grinder. DO NOT get a mandoline, unless you get one of those special cut-proof gloves.

          • Scrofula

            I’ve had a few mandolins. I bleed every time I use them. Or clean them. I just try to keep the blood off the food.

          • ahughes798

            My knife skills are so poor that I had to buy a chain-mail like glove for my left hand. I use the glove when I even think about using the mandolin, that’s how sharp it is.

          • hendenburg2

            If a store grinds their own meat, they have to clean the equipment out every day. Completely disassemble everything and sterilize it.

            But yeah, grinding your own is really easy. It’s not even that hard to clean out. Just put a couple of slices of white bread (only good use for wonderbread that I can think of) through to remove the, shall we call it “gunk?”, and then soap & water or boil.

          • h4rr4r

            You can even use a food processor.

            Run it through dishwasher on sanitize, after rinsing.

          • ahughes798

            And because of the Dark Act, we no longer can know what country it comes from.

        • h4rr4r

          Speed has nothing to do with any of this.

          You can sous vide a steak or burger for days and have it come out soft as clay. The issue is temperature achieved.

    • Scrofula

      Back in the day Italian immigrants who could suddenly afford more meat had to show off the size of their meatballs. It’s a natural instinct anyway.

    • ahughes798

      If hamburgers and meatballs are smaller, they tend to get over done and dried up.

      • hendenburg2

        Not if you get your heat right

  • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

    Always top your meatballs with plenty of grated cedar cheese.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I’m not sure I can fit my wood chipper in the kitchen.

    • marxalot

      serve with those cakes we like

    • Proud Liberal

      I like parmesan personally.

    • aureolaborealis

      Nah. Just douse them with cedar vodka.

      http://www.kz.all.biz/img/kz/catalog/679517.jpeg

  • marxalot

    I’ll put these on the list for next month, which is probably when I will run out of the product of Ambitious Vegetarian Cooking Night.

  • Robyn Pennacchia

    Rebecca suggested I also drop my meatball recipe in the comments. Because my meatballs are super good.

    -1 lb ground beef
    -1 lb ground pork
    – (or you can use equal parts beef, pork and veal)
    -1 shallot
    -like 8-10 cloves of garlic
    -three eggs
    -A handful of of shredded parmesan and a half handful of Romano
    – like three handfuls of Italian parsley (You want fresh Italian parsley, the kind that comes in bunches, not the kind that comes in boxes and is way more expensive for a lot less)
    -about a cup, half cup of basil (I just used a whole small package)
    – three torn off chunks of Italian bread that you’re gonna soak in some milk before you use it.
    -salt
    -pepper
    -red pepper flakes

    Chop up the shallot, and throw that in a chopper thingie with the garlic, the bread soaked in milk, the parsley and the basil. If you want, you can fry up the shallot and the garlic til they’re translucent ahead of time, I find it comes better when I use them raw.
    Put your meat in the bowl, and use your hands to mix it up with the eggs and the mixture from your blender, add salt and pepper and red pepper flakes.

    Then, form the meat into balls — DO NOT PACK THEM TIGHTLY. At this point, you can either just drop them in your gravy raw, which is what I do when I have more time. Otherwise, if that makes you nervous, you can roll them around in your frying pan for a second with some olive oil and then dump them in to cook for about 20-30 mins, OR you can broil them on each side for five minutes and then dump them in to cook for about 20-30 minutes. It is up to you, what you feel most comfortable with. The broiling method is probably the fastest.

    • h4rr4r

      Basil grows really well indoors. Just thought i would share that.

      Mine is huge. It under a grow light for the winter though.

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed
        • h4rr4r

          I wish, I meant the basil.

      • hendenburg2

        Tried it once. Had to get rid of it because apparently even fruit flies are foodies.

        • ahughes798

          Are you sure they were fruit flies? If you keep the soil too wet in almost any plant, you’ll get these little, dark flying bugs called Fungus Gnats. If those are what you have, keep your soil a little drier.

          • hendenburg2

            Well, they flew and looked the same as the bugs that show up around fruit, so…

      • Teecha

        It does not grow well indoors in the middle of the desert here. I occasionally find it in the supermarket and have to eat it all the same day- pushing it to do so on day two else it a) all dies and b) fills my flat with fruit flies.

        I always had a lovely big pot on my windowsill back home. It’s a disappointment to me that I can’t do the same here.

        • h4rr4r

          You don’t have water and light indoors?

          • Teecha

            Not really. Also no window sills indoors. So even if there was light, the plants can’t sit close to it.
            The windows are all covered on the outside with sand screens, which despite my best efforts, get clogged up really quickly- the sand/ dust has the texture of flour so it sticks. And the windows themselves are all tinted to keep the heat out. The building is oriented to get as little direct sunlight in the windows as possible.

            I took the screen off the window in the spare room, but the light is still pitiful- and I really struggle to grow anything aside from Ikea house plants. Which are really fucking boring.

            I miss my lovely healthy kitchen herbs and lovely green garden.

          • h4rr4r

            Artificial lights are a thing. LEDs run really cool, so not much heat to worry about.

          • Teecha

            Can’t get them here. And also, I can touch either side of my kitchen when I stand in the middle of it. I have to keep the kettle and toaster in a wardrobe when I’m not using them!
            I hold on to the thought that I am here for the spondooliks and will luxuriate in greenery when I’ve made my cash target.

          • h4rr4r

            You can’t get LED grow lamps? Where the heck are you? How do they grow the “herbs” in your area?

          • Teecha

            They don’t- they’re imported from Oman usually. Mushrooms have ‘locally grown’ sticker on them tho.
            I’m in Qatar. It’s a strange place. The supermarkets aren’t as reliable as in other places. The country ran out of chicken for three weeks a couple of years ago. They just put eggs on the shelves where chickens and chicken bits ought to have been! Grow your own.

          • h4rr4r

            Is that one of those no booze hell holes?

          • Teecha

            Nope. I am DRUNK RIGHT NOw! Friday brunch is the best 😀

          • Bmaccnm

            Jeezuz. Where do you live? Don’t they have money somewhere else?

          • Teecha

            I mostly have a lovely life here, so I’m ok with the few privations. I work with some lovely people who have become marvellous friends. And I look at it as an investment.
            I could work elsewhere, but not for this amount of money! It’s a hardship posting, but with very limited hardship.

        • Marion in Savannah

          If plagued with fruit flies again try the remedy:

          Get a small dish (I use a 4 oz Pyrex bowl), half fill with cider vinegar, add about 1 tsp of sugar or honey, and 2 or 3 drops of liquid dish soap. They dive in and die.

          • Teecha

            I tried that last time and it didn’t really help. Was it your advice then too? In the end, I just put everything edible in the fridge and squashed the ones I saw.
            Also, can’t get cider vinegar here. How is it different from normal malt vinegar?

          • Marion in Savannah

            It wasn’t me, so I guess lots of us do that! Cider vinegar probably would attract them more, since it does have a fruity smell. That may be why it didn’t work for you.

          • Teecha

            I added some fruit juice to tempt them. But it was not a success.

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      Ooh, shallots. Fancy! I’ve got like three meatball recipes now. This is awesome.

      • hendenburg2

        The one suggestion I would make is to do freeze-dried ones. They absorb, instead of give off, moisture, so they’ll help keep a bit more moisture in the meatballs themselves.

    • aureolaborealis

      I can tell you’re bona fide EYE-talian by the way you refer to the sauce as gravy.

    • Rick Hill
    • rebecca

      (also when she says “gravy” she means “tomato sauce,” because she is weird and Italian.)

      • Rick Hill

        Ah.

  • Edith Prickly

    Every day is a good day for meatballs. However, I very seldom have time to make them when I decide I want meatballs so there is always a package in the freezer. The local discount grocery store even stocks Swedish meatballs if I feel like mixing it up.

  • bookish

    Fact check Schumer claims about Planned Parenthood mammogram services. Breast cancer screening requires more than just mammography.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2017/03/09/schumers-claim-that-millions-of-women-turn-to-planned-parenthood-for-mammograms/?utm_term=.ef31742c4267

    Supporters of Planned Parenthood often use slippery language to use this talking point. We previously gave Three Pinocchios to claims that Planned Parenthood “provides” mammograms and other types of care for “millions of women.” In light of Schumer’s tweet, we reviewed the facts again.

    The Facts

    Planned Parenthood does referrals for mammograms, and some affiliates host free mammography mobile vans for low-income and uninsured women. It does not have mammogram machines at its affiliate clinics. The Food and Drug Administration’s list, updated weekly, of certified mammography facilities does not list any Planned Parenthood clinics.

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      They also provide family planning. Are you in favor of women having more children than they can financially support? How many unwanted crack babies are you personally planning on adopting?

      • suziq

        Also, do you only have sex when you are ready, willing, and able to support a child? Because without birth control that tends to happen. And sometimes with birth control, so really, any time you have sex be prepared to be a parent! And if something goes wrong and the live of the pregnant women is in danger then what-that’s just the way it goes?
        I think not so much “slippery language” as including things they do in an expedient way. If you would prefer we could get the Long Form description for you.

        • Nasty Candy Apple

          Sweetie, I was a Mormon; I didn’t have sex until the day I got married, and to this day, I’ve only had sex with one person. I have one child (thanks to birth control!), because that’s all that I wanted to have. But here’s the thing — PP has no relevancy for me personally, but I have enough empathy to be able to care about people who are not me. Other people use and need its services. I’m not about to deny access to health care for anyone. Health care is a human right.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Empathy. A key concept. In all of these debates.

          • suziq

            I have only had sex with one person since I got married so I am not a huge slut, just a little! I was only going to have one kid but then I ran out of the birth control pills and my doctor wanted me to go in to the office to get a refill and I didn’t because I was busy and had a baby and home then oops. Second baby! Most of the time I am glad I kept her.
            You seem like a Normal and Sane person but there are some men that protest birth control also, and really defunding planned parenthood will mean that birth control is less accessible to a lot of people. They think they are teaching those sluts a lesson but there are married, monogamous, people (you and I for example?) that have sex even when we don’t want more kids. I would suspect most of them fall into that category too. Then I wonder if they know their wives use birth control or if they think she only gets pregnant when they both want it. Unless they are Duggars and the goal is always more babies!!!!!

          • ahughes798

            Damn, and here I thought I was a near prude for only having had sex with 10 guys before I met Mr. 798, only to find out I was a slut! Oh well. It was fun.

    • suziq

      Thanks for sharing! Not off topic at all!
      You need a referral for a mammogram, which PP provides. They also do referrals for abortions, not all PP clinics do those either. Planned Parenthood serves the needs of many people who do not have other options and should be recognized and appreciated for all the ways they contribute to the good of our society. Thank you Planned Parenthood!

    • Anna Rompage

      Here’s the rub, Planned Parenthood will accept medicaid payments and refer women to radiology depts that actually have the mammogram machines.

      Also, few if any OB/GYNs actually have the machines themselves, and almost always refer a woman to a radiology dept that has one, just like PP.

      The issue is that the number of OB/GYNs that accept medicaid are few and faw between for the number of people who are on the service, and those without insurance, would have to pay a private physician a ton of money for the services, where as PP offers them for free or on a sliding scale

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Spanish Albondigas. As close as I have come to my sainted Grandmother’s, which she made without a recipe because grandmothers don’t use recipes.

    INGREDIENTS

    1 lb ground meat, beef, pork, or a mix
    2 cloves garlic, chopped
    1 cup parsley, chopped
    ¼ tsp nutmeg
    2 tsp salt, divided
    pepper, to taste
    ⅓ cup bread crumbs
    ¾ cup parmesan cheese, grated
    2 eggs
    ¼ cup milk
    ¼ cup olive oil
    1 medium onion, finely chopped
    8 – 10 tomatoes, chopped
    2 tsp herbs de Provence
    1 Tbsp sugar

    DIRECTIONS:

    Put the meat in a large bowl and add the garlic, parsley, nutmeg, 1 tsp salt, pepper, breadcrumbs and parmesan cheese. Mix this together until combined.

    Add the beaten eggs and milk and mix together well.

    Dampen your hands slightly, and form the meat mixture into meatballs, about 1″ in diameter.

    In a heavy bottomed frying pan, heat up about 2 Tbsp of the olive oil and cook the meatballs over medium-high heat, until browned on all sides. Remove the cooked meatballs to a paper-towel-lined plate and allow to drain.

    Make the sauce:

    Wipe out the frying pan that you used for the meatballs, then return it to heat and add the remaining 2 Tbsp of olive oil.

    Add the onion, and cook until golden brown – about 5 minutes – then add the tomatoes. Cook together for about 2 minutes, then add 1 tsp of salt, some pepper, the herbs, and sugar.

    Stir together well and allow to simmer for about 10 minutes.

    Add the meatballs, cover, and let cook together for about 5 minutes longer.

    Serve 3-4 meatballs together in small dishes, with the sauce on the bottom. Makes 10-15 meatballs.

  • suziq

    I also too do not usually do more than one step and this is second hand but from a Fancy Chef: soak the bread crumbs in milk for a while before you mix with the meat parts. That way the bread crumbs are not able to absorb more liquid (juice) so the meatballs are more juicy. Of course I have not tried it yet, but I probably will maybe someday!

    • hendenburg2

      That doesn’t make any sense.

      If the bread crumbs don’t absorb any juice, the juice will run out, and no longer be in the meatball.

      Just goes to show that people will believe anything about food if it was written in French first.

      • suziq

        I saw it on one of the recipe websites and actually was going to try it but then lost interest and made hamburgers or something. Would be interesting to try BOTH ways some time! One of those cold rainy days with nothing else to do and you happen to have all the ingredients. Okay, that is never going to happen.

        • Anna Rompage

          You can actually do the same thing with the meat for hamburgers, adding a little milk soaked bread that is

          • h4rr4r

            No you can’t.
            Then you made a big meatball. It ceases to be a hamburger wen you do that.

          • Anna Rompage

            It’s not the milk & bread that makes a meat ball a meat ball, but rather the shape, as well as seasonings, that are added to the meatball mixture…

          • Shanzgood

            Jeez, is this going to end up like the chili thread?!

          • Anna Rompage

            Watch out! I’ve got some seriously sharp knives! And some mad knife handling skills to boot!

          • suziq

            Yeah,but then you are adding steps! For hamburger you take good ground beef, shape into patty, then cook it. If I was going to do steps then I just might as well make meatballs! Now I am really hungry because all I have had today is some old cheese that was kind of hard which is okay if it is hard cheese, but it was brie. God, I am so lazy!

      • Anna Rompage

        The milk and bread trick is a thing though. I think the milk helps add moisture, and there’s something about adding a little milk to the meat mixture that helps tenderize it, and keeps it moist.

        It has something to do with the reaction of the milk with the meat proteins. I think it keeps the meat proteins from balling up and binding hard with one another,

        • aureolaborealis

          I use half and half, for the extra love.

        • h4rr4r

          I think it is just extra delicious from not being kosher.

        • hendenburg2

          It’s the fat, not the water.

          Also, I’m pretty sure the milk was originally used to soften up the bread itself, since old-world break was usually a hard, crusty loaf with a lot of gluten that wouldn’t have been as easy to work with.

          And I guess what I mean is, the actual technique might work, but not for the reason ascribed to it. It’s kinda like the whole “searing seals in juices” myth. Yes, it leads to a better-tasting piece of meat, but it’s because of the Maillard Reactions creating more flavors.

          • Anna Rompage

            Actually I looked it up;

            The milk bread mix (Panade) works in two ways.

            The first is the lactic acid from the milk works as a meat tenderizer, which relaxes the meat proteins.

            The second action is that the starch from the bread coats the meat proteins, and keeps them from tightening up on themselves, which would normally drive out the moisture from the meat…

          • hendenburg2

            Both of those are completely wrong! Never trust a cookbook to get chemistry and physics correct (unless it’s by AB).

            1) Acids don’t work well on organic tissue, and lactic acid is very weak. Same reason am acid marinade does not tenderize meat.
            2) starches won’t “leak out” of bread and coat the meat. It would take FAR too much agitation to do that. That’s not even getting to whether or not starch would actually do what that cookbook says.

            Remember, most western cookbook are based off of French techniques invented before science was even called “science.” Here’s some good examples of food myths getting tested: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G6aokWQz5yY

          • ahughes798

            I read an article yesterday in the NYT, I think, that was about “reverse searing.” You slow cook your steak for a bit first, THEN you sear it. I want to try it.

          • hendenburg2

            It’s a far better idea than searing at the beginning. Especially with a larger piece of meat

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    OT- making soap today. Someday I’ll share my recipe with you Wonketeers, because I love you all (almost- some I tolerate because bad dad jokes). With some basic precautions you can make it from stuff you can get from the supermarket, and it’s a million times nicer than that Soap from the store, which isn’t actually Soap but a “detergent bar”.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Is Dr Bronner’s detergent bars?

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Nope. They are pricey, but they do the real thing.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          And I JustFuckinGoogledIt and learned that the Castille part of the name means it’s made from vegetable oils. Not animal fats. Learn something everyday!

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            Pure olive oil soap (Castille) soap, is very labor intensive, especially in the days when it had to be stirred by hand. That’s why it was so prized and so expensive.

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      I would love to try soap making.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        There are actually tons of videos on YouTube. The craziest one, in my opinion, is “dollar store soap). I would not use her ingredients (go to the market instead) but it’s a way to do it for a minimal investment. You will need pure, food grade lye ( sold by that place that starts with A) . And will need to follow basic safety precautions.
        I’ve monopolized the meatball entry enough.

    • aureolaborealis

      My hippy parents used to make their own soap back in the early 70s. They would render the beef tallow themselves. Rendering beef tallow is high on my list of not-obviously-nauseous-yet-still-intensely-nauseating smells.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Blech. That is so old school. The batch I just made was eco certified palm oil, olive oil, and coconut oil. If you want to spend bucks, you can use shea butter instead of palm oil.
        Also, if you’re not opposed, tallow (you can get it already rendered) and lard both make a beautiful, creamy bar of soap, and they’re more eco friendly than palm oil.

        • ahughes798

          I used to deliver coffee to a place that rendered tallow and the stink was hideous. It was my least favorite place on my routes. 2nd worst was P***** Dog Chow. Don’t put that shit in your dog or cat!

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            Sad. They love it. I guess it’s like eating fast food. They have been making that crap for a long time and know what our furry friends like.

          • ahughes798

            Even better….that rendered tallow sits in 50 gallon drums that may sit outside for years before it’s sprayed on your pet’s food. Fun fact heard on NPR. The top two flavors dogs love are: 1)Cardboard 2)Rotting meat.

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            How about cat litter?

          • ahughes798

            The regular stuff is Bentonite, I think.

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            Most dogs prefer it used.

          • ahughes798

            Tee Hee. Cat poop is to dogs what Rolos are to people.

    • hendenburg2

      should we be checking on lipo clinics in your area?

    • Shanzgood

      I tried to make shampoo once because I have sensitive skin and my favorite cheap non-burning brand got discontinued. Bad idea. Now I just get my hairdresser to get me a gallon inthe expensive stuff at a discount.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    How did a recipe about meatballs spark so much debate @_@

    • Anna Rompage

      It appears meatballs are some serious fucking business to some!

    • Yr. Gma

      Remember the recent chili recipe from Pinkham and the subsequent thread w/bloodshed?

      • Sister the Resister

        *shudder*

      • Shanzgood

        Hahaha! That was awesome!

        BEANS MUFUKKAS BEEEEANZZZ!!!!

        • Anna Rompage

          It’s not chili unless it’s got some Muther Funkin Beans!

        • Yr. Gma

          Kidney beans are an abomination.

          • Shanzgood

            Oh, HERE we go!

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        I had just put that out of my mind, thanks.

  • Courser_Resistance

    Thank you Rebecca for a wonderful meatball recipe! I didn’t have a good recipe for Italian meatballs, just Swedish, which I love but hey I love ALL the meatballs! (Unless they are made with not-meat, ugh.)

  • aureolaborealis

    Though I did not know today was Meatball Day, yet I have spaghetti with meatballs in my lunch. Homemade, with (gf) breadcrumbs, and half and half, and a little bit of extra sharp cheddar (yes, in the meatballs, where it belongs). Sometimes I add a little Worcestershire sauce. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I add just a touch of ground coriander. I usually use smoked salt because I like smoked salt. I have also learned to ignore the thing about overworking the meat before forming the meatballs. I work the fuck out of my meat before I form it into balls.
    Also: I cook them in the oven, instead of in the sauce, because my daughters do not like their foods mixed, and I don’t always feel like frying meat while I’m working on the sauce.
    Also also: I need to start adding ground pork to my meatballs.

    • Anna Rompage

      That’s funny, I had the same for lunch too today…

      No Worcestershire in mine, but a splash of red wine, and the slightest bit of anchovy paste…

      • aureolaborealis

        Fucking anchovies, man. I will try them in my meatballs.
        Anchovies are good in EVERYTHING.
        Steamed kale, you say? Saute anchovy paste and garlic in olive oil in the pot before you throw in the wet kale. Enjoy mouth orgasms.

        • Anna Rompage

          I use a little anchovy paste, or even fish sauce in just about anything savory… Just a little tiny bit adds tons of umami richness, without becoming fishy tasting!

          • ahughes798

            I accidentally ate an anchovy once. It’s not a mistake I will ever make again.

          • Marion in Savannah

            Ugh. They’re salty, hairy shoelaces. Yuck.

          • ahughes798

            It reminds me of the time I accidentally ate a caper. If you like mushy little salt balls, capers (and olives and canned peas)are for you!

          • Marion in Savannah

            I’ll pass on the capers, and DEFINITELY the canned peas, but olives are food of the gods. (Good ones — not those crappy canned black things.)

        • Shanzgood

          Ooh, baby!

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Though. Anchovy and red wine together are almost Worcestershire sauce. Maybe.

    • ahughes798

      Cheddar? That is monstrous! ;-)

      • aureolaborealis

        Monstrously good, yes.

  • timpundit

    If you mix pork and beef together somewhere in the universe a worm hole appears. FYI.

    • Good. Maybe one will open under me and take me to the alt 45 dimension

    • Courser_Resistance

      Apparently so. When Sprouts took over Sunflower market, the meat guys told me they ‘couldn’t mix proteins’. Huh, who knew that was a thing?

      • hendenburg2

        It’s for really bitchy people who fake allergies

      • h4rr4r

        I would be shopping somewhere else.

      • Bitter Scribe

        Where I shop they’ve sold half-and-half packs of ground beef & pork forever.

    • Yr. Gma

      I make the meatballs with all beef. I can taste the pork when it’s mixed in, and it just doesn’t work for me. Pork is one of those things I am picky about as a result of my Adventist childhood. I never developed a taste for it (unless it’s bbq with tons of sauce or bacon or smoked ham.)

      • Shanzgood

        I dated an SDA boy for a while in high school. He eventually left the church but still never could eat pork. He said it made him sick.

        • Yr. Gma

          It has a weird aftertaste.

        • BeachBum

          He wasn’t by chance Jules Winnfield ?

          • Shanzgood

            Noooo…I don’t think I could have put up with the constant bible quotes.

      • Bitter Scribe

        I like ground turkey. It’s not as rich as beef/pork but tastes just fine IMHO, plus I feel a little less guilty about consuming so much fat.

      • timpundit

        I don’t eat pig , period. I like them too much , they are too intelligent and I can’t stand the torture they go thru even before they are slaughtered.

        • ahughes798

          I just keep remembering they can turn on a dime and kill you. Either with their tusks, or they can trample you to death. Boars are bad, but sows protecting their babies………sweet Jeebus.

    • h4rr4r

      A worm hole of deliciousness.

  • hendenburg2

    So I’m going to go sorta off-topic for a bit:

    If you’re going to go completely American and make Jewish food for St. Paddy’s, you’d better start corning your brisket today!

    • Yr. Gma

      I thought corning one’s brisket was best done in private.

      • hendenburg2

        only if you want to comply with Health Codes

  • orygoon

    I love all you meatball wonkers

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Here’s mine, which I am not allowed to post as a recipehub post because it calls for Veal, and Editrix frownhs on that. It works well if you sub hamburger and pork, though, so feel free to make those changes!

    Veal, Lamb & Ricotta Meatballs in Shitake Parmesan Broth

    4 cups chicken stock
    1 Parmesan cheese rind

    1 tbsp. butter
    12 Shitake mushrooms, thinly sliced

    1/2 lb. ground veal
    1/2 lb. ground lamb
    8 oz. ricotta cheese (I used part-skim)
    1/2 cup whole wheat breadcrumbs
    1 tsp. kosher salt
    1 tsp. freshly ground pepper
    1 tbsp. cream
    1/3 cup milk
    1/4 cup Italian parsley, chopped
    3 cloves garlic, minced
    1/4 cup flour (any kind you have on hand)
    3 tbsp. canola or olive oil

    Parmesan cheese for grating

    WHAT TO DO WITH WHAT YOU NEED:
    Set a large pot over medium heat and add the chicken stock and Parmesan rinds. Cover and let simmer.

    Set a large skillet over medium heat. Once it’s hot, add the butter and the Shitake mushrooms. Sautee until the mushrooms are cooked but still tender, about 3 – 4 minutes. Add the Shitakes to the broth, reduce the heat to low or medium-low and set the skillet aside (you’ll use it again later).

    In a large bowl, combine the veal, lamb, ricotta, breadcrumbs, salt, pepper, cream, milk, parsley and garlic. Mix, by hand, gently.

    When thoroughly mixed, roll into balls, compacting them only enough to hold their shape.

    Roll in flour to coat.

    Re-heat skillet over medium heat, add ~1 Tbl oil. When hot, brown meatballs on all sides. Do not crowd. Work in batches, adding oil as necessary.

    Once browned, add to broth. Simmer 30 – 60 minutes.

    Serve in a bowl, with lots of broth and warm, crusty garlicbread. Garnish generously with freshly shaved parmesan. Pasta recommended, but not required!

    Looks lomething like this (not my picture):
    http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3294/2859559743_87edeae3b8.jpg

    • rebecca

      oh that’s pretty.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Thanks! It’s a nice change from marinara type sauce, also.

        • Anna Rompage

          That is quite a lovely switch up!

    • Shanzgood

      Ooh, can I just marinate myself in the broth?

      • Anna Rompage

        Maybe we could fill a whole hot tub with said broth and share!

        • Shanzgood

          Umami!

    • KittyCastiel

      ERMAGERD! That is a beautiful pic. But def no veal, veal makes me sad…tho if I think about how we farm anything for long, food makes me sad

    • motmelere

      A hard core Fuck-you-I-got-mine teabagger dude I grew up with could only run a veal farm for three months, it broke his heart that badly. This is the guy I blocked because he called me an un-American moocher for supporting Obama. (Yes, he knows I’m a veteran that works longer hours than he & doesn’t need or qualify for any gubmint program like he does)

      • Pinkham’s Law

        I fully understand why ‘Trix doesn’t want Wonkette to support eating veal. So, I’ll not post recipes for veal chops or suchlike. Something like this, where one can easily sub more acceptable meats, with that fact clearly explained? Yeah, I don’t feel too bad about sharing it.

        As for myself: My husband is having incredible difficulty swallowing food. He has lost 25% (literally!) of his body weight over the last 2 1/2 years, and he was thin to begin with. They are now doing workups and getting ready to insert a feeding tube. He can only eat things which are very, very tender. Yeah, I’m not feeling too guilty about picking up marked down veal 3 or 4 times a year. If he can eat it, I’ll put it on the menu. He can eat veal.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Why is there a hair on the sample meatball?

    • Anna Rompage

      Technically, it’s only dirty if you drop it twice…

  • Longstreet63

    I dunno. Sometimes I get the feeling that there are already too many balls in the world.

  • Teecha

    I make Cypriot style meatballs. Lamb and pork, with grated potatoes and onion and egg and cinnamon and bread crumbs and other nice things which escape me temporarily. And then fry them.
    And then if you like, add them to a nice tomato sauce and change the name from keftedes to souzsoukakia.
    I learned this from my Yiayia

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Keftedes! I learned how to make these from my Yiayia too! Smyrnian Greeks make these without the veggies, plus we use mint for the flavoring, and we bake them with a strip of tomato over each one. (Plus, they aren’t round–football shaped)

      • Teecha

        Yeh, mine turn out more triangular than round. But I’m ok with that.

        • Teecha

          I also really like the texture with the grated spuds in there.

    • Shanzgood

      Yes, please!

      • Teecha

        The recipe makes about 60, so I take a couple to work for lunch with a salad jar. Everyone comments on how delicious they smell. Only *I* know how haram they are.

    • Fartknocker

      It’s all Greek to me. Personally, I like my meatballs with some of those Crimean mashed Tartars.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Trump’s deal with Russia will bigly increase imports of those.

    • lowenufc

      Big fan of sheftalia, and I am probably spelling it wrong.
      ground pork and lamb, finely chopped onions, finely chopped parsely.
      mix together and form into sausage shaped logs. Throw on grill.
      when done, squirt some fresh lemon upon.
      Glory.
      Simple AF and tasty.

    • chascates

      Could chopped pine nuts be added to that?

      • Teecha

        Well, they could. But I don’t know why you’d want to…

        • chascates

          With the cinnamon it reminded me of kibbeh and I’ve enjoyed a version of that with pine nuts. I also love pine nuts sauteed in with green beans,

          • Teecha

            I see where you’re coming from. The texture is really different from kebbeh tho and I’m not sure that the creaminess of a pine nut would add to it.

  • proudgrampa

    Yum!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    oooo- I love the recipe post in the middle of the day!

    1. Gives me time to go shopping if I decide to make these today.
    2. It’s a lovely break from the unremitting awfulness.

    Thanks!

  • Little Lulu Ω

    This is a lot like my meatloaf recipe, which is surrounded with BACON! Beef and pork make a good combo.

  • BeachBum

    Thanks. Once I put a giant meatball on my granddaughters pasta and she said “all I get is one ?” No, but you have to eat them one at a time” I said. Her mom gets the little store bought ones.

  • Historicat

    I made meatballs earlier this week and only cheated a little (haha – a lot). They were damn tasty.
    1.5 lbs ground beef
    2/3 c panko bread crumbs
    2/3 c (I think – who remembers these things?) jarred pesto sauce

    So good.

  • BeachBum

    For some reason when I think of Universal Health Care, I want Swedish meatballs.

    • wavicles

      The Ikea bump?

  • Jeffocaster in the desert

    Violates a couple dietary laws….but who pays attention.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Mostly just Biblical ones I think.

  • lowenufc

    Can I just continue to perfect my Char Siu recipe instead?

  • chascates

    MMMMMmmm! I would suggest a half cup of finely chopped porcini mushrooms for that extra umami punch. Or a teaspoon of anchovy paste. Or just smoke a bowl before serving.

    • KittyCastiel

      Umami. Mmmmmmm. Umami. I love my meats. =-)

  • brucej

    mmmm meatballs. My favorite are from Raos recipe, https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1015971-raos-meatballs-with-marinara-sauce though I use 50/50 pork and beef. And add more garlic. And make them smaller. And my marinara sauce is different. (no salt pork, but I do toss in a couple anchovies when sauteing the onions for that delicious smack of umami. And diced carrots, which work really really well in marinara sauce so you don’t have to gross it out by throwing in sugar.

  • Joey Brill

    Add much horseradish to the meat and we’re there.

  • PerSister Big Puppy

    I love this recipe! It makes me feel like I can make meatballs without having to follow the recipe to the letter..

  • HazooToo
  • Pookabun

    If you put those fresh herbs in towards the end, you’ll get a nicer herb-y taste, letting them cook a while isn’t the best thing usually for delicate, softer herbs like those. Dried herbs should go in at the beginning though.

  • Sweet and Sour Meatballs
    Makes 75 to 85 Meatballs

    1 clove Garlic, minced
    2 pounds ground Beef
    2 Eggs
    3 tablespoons Chili Sauce
    2 tablespoons dried Parsley flakes
    1/2 teaspoon Salt
    1/2 teaspoon Pepper, divided
    1 quart (32 ounces) cocktail Vegetable Juice (V8)
    1 box (1 pound) light Brown Sugar
    1 cup white Vinegar
    3 cloves Garlic, halved
    30 prunes, pitted

    Mash minced Garlic with ground Beef, Eggs, Chili Sauce, Parsley flakes, Salt and 1/4 teaspoon Pepper. Shape the mixture into 75 to 85 meatballs.

    Combine Vegetable Juice, Brown Sugar, Vinegar, split Garlic cloves, and remaining Pepper. Bring the sauce mixture to a boil.

    Drop Meatballs into the Juice mixture. Reduce heat to low. Cook at a low simmer for 40 minutes. Add prunes to the sauce and cook 30 minutes more.

    Drain off most, but not all, of the sauce before putting meatballs and prunes into a chafing dish. Serve hot with toothpicks.

    Note:
    Make these a day ahead, refrigerate and skim fat from surface before serving. I find if I use a very lean grind of meat, there is hardly any fat. I also add 1/4 cup of very fine dry bread crumbs to this mixture. It makes a difference if you use fresh parsley. However, both are optional and to your taste. You can increase the recipe to 115 to 125 meatballs by adding 1 more pound of ground Beef to make a total of 3 pounds. But be sure to leave the sauce ingredients as they are. Do not increase the liquid. Use exactly one quart.

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