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Don’t you want to phone chat with this guy?

Donald Trump got out his “president” phone last Saturday and used his tiny hands to dial the prime minister of “Australia,” a country that is highly over-rated and features kangaroos. Also it is one of America’s staunchest allies. So obviously the call did not go well, because Donald Trump is a fucking buffoon. Tell us, Washington Post, what had happened was?

It should have been one of the most congenial calls for the new commander in chief — a conversation with the leader of Australia, one of America’s staunchest allies, at the end of a triumphant week.

Hahahahaha, that is the lede. COULDA SHOULDA WOULDA! In other words, if ANY OTHER PERSON was president of America, it would have been all “G’day!” and “G’day back!” and they would have organized state visits and stuff. It’s AUSTRALIA, for god’s sake. But no:

Instead, President Trump blasted Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull over a refu­gee agreement and boasted about the magnitude of his electoral college win, according to senior U.S. officials briefed on the Saturday exchange. Then, 25 minutes into what was expected to be an hour-long call, Trump abruptly ended it.

Oh. For. God’s. Sake. According to WaPo, Trump said that out of all the phone calls that day, his Australian one was “the worst call so far.” And he even talked to Putin that day! Of course, for Trump, talking to Putin is basically phone sex (allegedly!), so we understand why he ranked that higher than Australia.

So what was up Trump’s ass? Apparently Dumb Barry Obama made some terrible deal (“the worst deal,” according to Trump) to accept some refugees from Australia, and Trump is a fucking racist who doesn’t like refugees. Here’s how Pussgrab tried to spin that Wednesday night on Twitter when this story came out:

Oh, Trump, let’s not pretend you have the attention span to “study” this, so we’ll CliffsNotes it for you: Bamz agreed to vet and accept 1,250 refugees, not illegal immigrants, REFUGEES. Those are actually different things.

WaPo reports Trump was joined on the call by President Steve Bannon, crazy pants National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, and walking diaper rash Sean Spicer, because who wouldn’t want to talk on the phone to all those human dental dams at one time?

According to the White House, Trump was very sweepy at the time:

He needed to be burped, his Pull-Ups were full of poo, and he wanted to watch Dora instead of talking to the yucky Australian foreign man. Happens to all toddlers and 45th presidents of the United States.

Also, the “end of a long day” was “at 5 p.m.” But Hillary Clinton died of rickets during the campaign. TWICE. So we dodged that bullet!

At least Trump didn’t threaten to invade Australia. He did that to Mexico.

President Donald Trump warned in a phone call with his Mexican counterpart that he was ready to send U.S. troops to stop “bad hombres down there” unless the Mexican military does more to control them — comments the White House described as “lighthearted.”

HA HA! Funny joke from man who might be mentally ill, who happens to have the American nuclear codes! HA HA!

“You have a bunch of bad hombres down there,” Trump told Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, according to the excerpt given to the AP. “You aren’t doing enough to stop them. I think your military is scared. Our military isn’t, so I just might send them down to take care of it.”

This call happened Friday, the day before the Australia phone call. We don’t know if Trump needed a nap or his daily spankings, or if he was in a good mood. We can confirm, though, that he was an idiot that day, because he’s an idiot every day.

Mexico denied that the conversation went so poorly, as did the White House originally, but as you can see in that statement above, America is now admitting that yes, dipshit said that stuff, but he was just fooling. And hey, maybe it WAS just a great big knee-slapper shared between two world leaders, neither of whom had just canceled a state visit to the other’s country THAT SAME WEEK over how one of them wants to make the other pay for a border wall between the two nations.

We don’t know how Trump would suggest taking care of the “bad hombres” in Mexico, or what his plan would be to weed out the rapists from the rest of the Mexican people — who are such good people, the best people, Trump loves the rest of the people so much he hires them to make taco bowls for him — but we imagine it’d probably be at least as good as his plan to take out ISIS. Or his Yemen raid.

Or his Black History Month speech.

We’re so fucked.

[Washington Post / AP]

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