Hi, I'm A Idiot!
Hi, I’m A Idiot!

So, members of the U.S. American House of Representatives had a classified briefing with FBI Director James Comey and other intelligence leaders on Friday, about the FBI’s handling of the Clinton email thingie just before the election, and also what the FBI knew about Trump’s connections to Russian hacking. What did they learn? WE DUNNO, IT’S CLASSIFIED. (Or do we??????) (Yeah, that’s right, they gave Wonkette a high security clearance because the ability to make dick jokes about things is crucial to national security.) (It isn’t.) (OR IS IT?????)

OK, cool, we’ve amused ourselves enough with the “OR DO WE?” game (OR HAVE WE?), so we’ll tell you the point, which is that the whole briefing apparently went FINE, until the last 15 minutes, at which point James Comey did or said something that made House Democrats go mad with rage, which they cannot share with us, because, again, classified. Check it, via The Hill:

“I was nonjudgmental until the last 15 minutes. I no longer have that confidence in him,” Rep. Tim Walz (D-Minn.), ranking member of the Veterans Affairs Committee, said as he left the meeting in the Capitol.

“Some of the things that were revealed in this classified briefing — my confidence has been shook.”

Rep. Elijah Cummings (Md.), senior Democrat on the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, delivered a similar condemnation.

“I’m extremely concerned — extremely,” he said.
“I’ll just — I’m very angry,” echoed Rep. Mark Takano (D-Calif.).

They’re shaken, they’re concerned, and they’re angry! Anybody else?

“I want to [have faith in Comey],” said a visibly annoyed Rep. Charlie Crist (D-Fla.). “I have concerns. Stay tuned.” […]

“No, I haven’t lost confidence in the agency,” [Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi] told reporters in the Capitol.

“My concern about the FBI is the timing and their not signing [the broader intelligence document on Russian hacking]. And that was the judgment of Director Comey, unless it goes deeper, and that’s what the investigation will find out … Let’s find out how they thought this was a good idea to make the judgments they did, and understanding — weighing full well — that the Russians were actively engaged in disrupting our election.”

Whew! OK! Here’s Rep. Maxine Waters dropping the mic and throwing her hands in the air about how Comey has “no credibility”:

So basically, they did a briefing, and the Democrats all left and looked for reporters so they could say, “Hey I just met you and this is crazy, and I can’t tell you why, BUT I AM SO FUCKING PISSED, PLEASE PRINT THAT IN THE NEWS REELS RIGHT NOW, GODDAMMIT I NEED ONE MILLION SHOTS OF ADULT BEVERAGES RIGHT NOW.”

Wonder what happened? Let’s irresponsibly speculate and hope we accidentally, by virtue of our dickishness and our good brains, figure out exactly what happened, at least until some fun-loving Democratic congressman decides to take the express train to Leak Town (haha we said “leak”), and lets us have the real bidness:

  • Everything was cool until the last 15 minutes, when Comey accidentally let it slip that he’s had a video of Trump doing things with Russian wee wee hookers forever, but he keeps it in his office for fapping.
  • He stated the obvious, which was that he has a joy hard-on for Donald Trump, and a hate hard-on for Hillary Clinton, so he decided to be all “SHHHH!” about the FBI’s Trump investigations, but spill the beans about some inconsequential Hillary bullshit, in order to swing the election.
  • He revealed that yes, for real, an entire office of the FBI (the New York one) has gone rogue with Hillary hate, and only answers to its sniveling god-king Rudy Giuliani, therefore he had to be the one to send his now infamous Hillary email letter, because otherwise, New York would have leaked everything anyway.
  • He admitted that yes, the FBI literally ignored the dossier handed to it by an old spy who really just wanted to help, while breathlessly reporting on Hillary stuff and Clinton Foundation stuff, because Comey is part of the FBI that’s gone rogue.
  • Comey introduced a special guest at the briefing, and it was Vladimir Putin, who did a strip-tease, which made all the Republicans sexually aroused, while Democrats sat there like, “I dunno about this, I just came here with my friends …”
  • Comey did the entire briefing in Russian, but somehow Democrats were able to make out the words “coup” and “Trump that bitch!” and “Man, we played ALL Y’ALL.”
  • They thought they were going to a briefing, but instead it was just a live action performance of Moscow Hooker Pee Pee Dance, which would have been fine if all the Republicans hadn’t been clapping their hands like “YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!” and Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Mormon) hadn’t thrown his crusty magic underpants at the stage filled with dollar bills.

OK, that’s all we can think of. If you are a Democratic congress-critter and we have gotten something right, please wink at Wonkette in the comments, which are not allowed.

[The Hill]

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  • Ricky Gay

    It all started with canned clams…

    • MynameisBlarney


      • Nounverb911

        Needs more geoducks.

  • GrunkaLunka

    He felt he needed to teach the uppity lady a lesson? Am I close?

  • Jamoche

    Y’all are angry? Join the fucking club.

  • MynameisBlarney

    He ate all the chocolate glazed Krispy Kreme doughnuts, then poked holes in the lemon creme filled ones with his dirty fingers?

  • JohnBull

    This is how liberty dies–with thunderous derpiness.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Let’s irresponsibly speculate and hope we accidentally, by virtue of our dickishness and our good brains, figure out exactly what happened


    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      OT, but now that I’vd figured out what your new avatar is about I love it!

  • exinkwretch

    He said, ‘Hell, yes the FBI conspired with the Russkies to swing the election to Trump, and there is fuck all you can do about it!” And the Ds all got the vapors, which is all they can do because there isn’t a damn one of them with a spine.

  • mrpuma2u

    The democrats sat there like a beaten wife, and said “he didn’t mean to throw the election, it was my fault”

    • janecita

      Something, something Bernie Sanders.

  • janecita

    I don’t know, but the part about Chaffetz, and his “crusty magic underpants,” sounds extremely accurate to me.

  • JohnBull

    Democrats, if you want to know why people don’t vote for you, this is why.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “The FBI director is a good man who was placed in a very difficult position,” said Rep. Charlie Dent (R-Pa.). “His boss [U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch] made life very difficult for him in the last year when she met with Bill Clinton on the tarmac.”

    WTF did that have to do with Comey’s decision to talk about Hillary’s investigation days before the election while STFU’ing about Donald’s investigation, asshole?

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      All the upfists in the world for that graphic!

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      If I meet Bill Clinton on the tarmac, do I get magical evil powers, too?

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Shit! When I was a kid, I swore I saw that on a table in the doctor’s office. My mom told me that my fever was making me delusional at the time.

      • Doug Langley

        That was a quick-thinking mom.

    • Shucky Ducky

      “My only regret is that I have but one noose to give.”

  • Oblios_Cap

    Trump will just use this to paint the whole intelligence community as a bunch of Comeys. And people will believe him.

  • Michael Smith

    In the last 15 minutes, he was like “Okay, so lets review the top memes of 2016,” and all the ones he brought up were Pepe memes.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Interesting, given that the top memes going now are “pee pee” memes, or just “Pee” memes.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I automatically pronounce that in my head as “Pee Pee” now.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    More, super-awesome election-meddling news. GOP members of FEC refuse to even discuss measures to prevent financial fun/shenanigans by would-be foreign influencers.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      There needs to be a compact single word for unsurprised to an extreme degree.

      The best I could come up with is very disappointing: “Ohfuckit.”

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      I’m going to have to learn how to say “oh, for fuck’s sake” in Russian, aren’t I?

      • ViveLaPeésistance


      • BigBoppa pour la résistance

        Ах, черт возьми

    • chicken thief

      They love their country so much they have to sell it to the highest bidder.

    • Martini Ambassador

      But Hillary took money for her charity from The Saudis!!! So, something something the real criminal.

      God, they are such hypocrites.

  • ViveLaPeésistance

    Meh. I’m ready to impeach the entirety of elected federal, state and local government and put the Wonketariat in charge. The end.

    • Michael Smith

      “And the Wonketariat had nothing to lose but their dick jokes.”

      • BigBoppa pour la résistance

        Dibs on Secretary of Dick Jokes.

        • Bitter Scribe

          Can I be Secretary of Snark?

          • BigBoppa pour la résistance

            I had you penciled in for Those Cakes We Like Czar….but whatever.

        • Doug Langley

          I wanna be Director of Cedar Cheese.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          I read that as Secretary of Dick Jones and flashed on Robocop.

          • BigBoppa pour la résistance

            I don’t think Robocop would take too kindly to you flashing him.

      • NastyBossetti

        But our dick jokes are *everything*.

    • BearGHAZI

      I call Sodomy Comptroller. Fist order of business: NO MORE POINTY SHOES

    • mancityRed6

      I call lead bartender…or canned clam czar
      whichever one lets me work less

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    No doubt a VERY sternly worded memo will be on Comey’s desk forthwith.

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      But no all-caps or exclamation points as that would just be rude.

  • Michael Smith

    If they are so mad, they need to be a bit more public about it. When the Republicans get mildly irritated by anything, they go to one of their news outlets and make it seem like the apocalypse is happening. I understand being patient and waiting for the facts, but at a certain point we are going to find ourselves in the camps going “hmm, there may be something dangerous afoot here.”

    • boyblue123

      I think the problem is that republicans in congress have a larger megaphone with which to voice their complaints. MSNBC doesnt have nearly the audience that Fox News has

      • BigBoppa pour la résistance

        But with all their recent hires, MSNBCGOP is working on it.

  • o’look Skwerl!

    “I am Democratic congress-critter and I will tell you once I am released from jail after all the rage drinking and mayhem I will cause.”

  • Nounverb911

    Well Newsweek doesn’t seem to like Comey anymore for some reason.

  • arglebargle
  • Jenny

    It’s a good thing there are so many fainting settees in the halls of congress!

  • Nounverb911

    In other Breaking DC news, the inauguration committee has leased ‘Porta-Potties’ from a company named (and I’m not making this up) “DON’S JOHNS”. Someone is taping over the names and the COO of Don’s Johns is pissed. I wonder why?

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Tape can be removed, resistance fighters who are infiltrating. Just sayin’…

    • BigBoppa pour la résistance

      If I were there, I’d go around with a magic marker and write Trump’s Dump on the tape.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      LOL! Now we need a team of people to place nice stickers that say “TRUMP!” in gold-on-white on each porta-pottie door!

      Fuck gaslighting. It’s time for full-on psyops. Make ’em tweet!

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      Someone tweeted: Mr. President. Take. Down. That. Tape.
      I envy people that clever.

    • Serai 1

      So why isn’t he yanking them back and returning the rental fees? That’s what I would do.

      • Lara

        Because he wants to impress Mr. Trump, and more business will come his way and he’ll be rich!

        That must be what all these business that agree to work with Trump think, since it’s well-documented that he screws over vendors and businesses he deals with. Each one must have either never been on the internet, or think they’re the ones that won’t get screwed because those other guys totally only didn’t get paid because they did bad work.

    • YayConspiracy

      Donnie’s saving it for times when people won’t pee for him anymore, even if he pays them.

    • Doug Langley

      Place yer betz he’s locked the doors as well.

    • lroom

      There’s a port-a-potty company in my town called ” Johnny On The Spot”.

  • janecita

    This is why we need to pull a page out of the Republicans’ book. They showed their middle finger to the center, and went hard right. We should do the same and go all the way left. We also need to stop cooperating, finding middle ground, giving in, to these assholes. We need Democrats to grow some balls, and go all Nikita Khrushchev circa 1960, against Republicans.

    • Serai 1

      I’m not getting in bed with Stein or any of those other lunatics, thank you.

      • janecita

        Why Stein? We don’t need to go bat shit crazy. We need to grow a spine. Btw, the only thing wrong with the Green Party is their lack of leadership.

        • AngryKatie

          I’ve been to Green Party meetings, that’s not true.

          The lack of leadership is a feature, not a bug. American Greens are not European Greens.

          • Serai 1

            I’ve never met an American Green who wasn’t batshit crazy. They’re a disgrace.

          • Lara

            I’m willing to believe there are a few pockets of sanity,maybe, but my experience has been the same.

        • Serai 1

          Are you fucking kidding me? The Greens in this country are a barrel of fucking monkeys. They can’t get anything done, they spend all their time bickering Purity Points, and they fuck up every election they’re a part of. If you want sane Greens, you’ll have to go to Europe, where it’s an actual political party with actual adults.

          • janecita

            I’m registered Green, but I’m a sane person. I voted for Hillary because I love my country way more than I love my party. We are not all part of a “barrel of fucking monkeys.”

          • Serai 1

            Fine, then go to one of your meetings and tell your playmates to stop fucking up elections and start acting like fucking adults.

          • janecita

            Dude, don’t take it out on me. I’m not the enemy, take it out on all those morons that didn’t vote, take it out on all the white women that voted for Trump, take it out on all the Democrats that didn’t vote for Hillary, because she wasn’t “trustworthy,” those are the people that are to blame. I voted for Obama twice,and I voted for Hillary. Yes, I want the Green Party to be a viable alternative to the main parties, but I’m not an idiot, and I know perfectly well that we’re not there yet.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            If the Greens want to be a viable alternative, they need to start working every election on the local and state level and build up a cadre with electoral and governing experience. Just showing up every four years to run for President doesn’t make them a viable alternative. It just makes them spoilers.

          • Thiazin Red

            Plus, they hate science as much as the fundies.

          • Marceline

            Bingo. The Green lost me courting anti-vaxxers.

            Actually they lost me years ago when their platform contained a nod to 9/11 truthers.

          • Serai 1

            That alone tells me I’m not gonna be sitting down with them any time soon. Maybe if they grow up and give up the OMG BIG PHARMA bullshit and the anti-vaxxer nonsense and all the rest of their idiotic moonbeam hoo-ha, I’ll listen. Until then, their opinion isn’t worth anything to me. Prove you can think like an adult, and then we can talk.

    • DainBramage

      The difference is that the Democrats actually try to govern. The Rethugs are just in it to loot the country.

      • UnsaltedSinner

        In a hostage situation, the side that doesn’t care if the hostage lives or dies will always have the advantage.

        • AngryKatie

          I really wanted to post a clip of Keanu Reeves shooting the hostage (Jeff Daniels) in Speed. But, I can’t find one, so you’ll just have to imagine it.

      • janecita

        And while they are trying to “govern,” Republicans get away with fucking up the whole country.

        US House of Representatives passes bill in first step to repeal Obamacare –

  • Wild Cat

    I’m not pissed at Comey. I just want to strip him naked in the desert sun, tie him down, cut his eyelids off, pour honey on his shriveled balls, and lead a pack of rabid fire ants to dinner.

    • under_score

      “with votes”

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      I’m proud of your self-restraint. I would like to do something really awful to him.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      You must add the obligatory ceremonial “with votes” to your comment.

      • Jennifer R

        Smother the fucker with votes?

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Really sharp votes. Votes that go BANG! Votes charged to a million volts. Votes heated to 6500K. Radioactive votes. Poisonous votes. Diseased Votes. Votes with really, really bad juju. Votes of mass destruction.

          Whatever it takes so long as it’s with votes.

          • Johnnymoreno

            Votes that will hurt for many incarnations and generations.

    • Serai 1

      He’d be getting off light.

    • eyelashviper

      Funny you should mention that…my vision involved a large cactus, no lube, and an entire army of very angry fire ants.
      And some good ole tar and feathers for a finale.

  • AngryKatie

    Last night the husband and I realized that things are so insane right now we’re like 2 steps from full on Glenn Beck ranting and frantically drawing arrows on a chalkboard.

    • Totally feels like I’m going full wingnut.

      • janecita

        I’m already there. I can’t even watch the news anymore.

    • Penny Dreadful Says Resist

      I’ve been considering buying a very large bulletin board and some red string.

    • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

      The difference being that you are not actually insane.

      • AngryKatie

        We hope!

    • mancityRed6

      you need a youtube channel so I can subscribe to it.

      • AngryKatie

        Now I’m cracking myself up imagining putting a bow tie on my cat and consulting him as an “expert” on various topics.

        Today we have Craig Fluffybutt with us. Craig, what do you make of the peeing hooker allegations? (Craig looks bored, tries to eat tie)

        • mancityRed6

          it all depends on how it acts on catnip
          Or maybe toys with “lizard people”, “Illuminati” and “chemtrails” (and the like) printed on them.
          Let the cat pick the topic.

          • AngryKatie

            Oooh, I like that.

          • mancityRed6

            after I hit post, I started thinking, “maybe that would have been how I got in on the grift…”

          • H0mer0

            you call your cat “Fluffybutt”?

          • AngryKatie

            No, Craig, but I felt he needed a last name for media appearances.

          • H0mer0

            what about a “fluffybutt” for media appearances? (watching the Aristocats, I found the artists’ “anatomically correct” depiction of the cats’ rear end kind of disturbing. Bender Rodriguez said it best when he described it as “looking like an asterisk.”)

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Wait a second. What new thing could they possibly have learned? Even if Comey was all like – “Okay, this Steele guy? Totally legit, and he vets his sources like a motherfucker. If he says it happened, it happened.” – it’s still not his fault for not doing anything, because without hard proof, what can he do?

    And as for the other stuff – what? It’s all public knowledge now. So what is new?

    I am ON FIRE with curiosity. No joke.

    • puredog

      Since you are not The Donald, I am sure that some compassionate soul will pee on you if necessary.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        And a shot of penicillin just make take care of that as well.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    FUCK. The house passed the budget resolution previously passed by the Senate on Wednesday night to pave the way to dismantle the ACA.

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      This is bad but the budget resolution is by far the easiest step in the process. It will take longer for them to reach agreement on details, even on repeal, and longer than that to implement. In the meantime, it’s starting to dawn on the rubes that they are about to lose their coverage and in many cases, their clinics and rural hospitals. Now is the time to call our congresscritters and demand No Repeal Without Replacement, and to use FacePlant, Twatter, etc. to hammer this home to our GOP relatives and friends. And God have mercy on our nation.

      • chicken thief

        And that they just handed Trump and his cabinet a nice tax break.

        • ViveLaPeésistance

          The Center on Budget and Policy Priorities estimates that repealing ACA will give the 400 richest taxpayers an annual tax cut of approx $7 million. Apiece. Meanwhile 160 million households making below $200,000 get nothing.

      • Pierre_de_Fermat

        Price, for one, should be very aware of this. There have been a raft of closings of rural hospitals in the state, and he knows it. Had HRC won, even the dumbasses in the state lege would have figured out some way to get that gov’t money. The rural counties are scared of this (they still voted for Trump, but vote was closer in many than I had expected).

    • Serai 1

      What? Did you think they wouldn’t?

  • ViveLaPeésistance

    Слишком мало и слишком поздно, мальчики. Сохраните свой гнев
    для пищевой линии в ГУЛАГе.

    • Serai 1

      What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

      • eyelashviper
        • tomamitai

          It will even speak it out loud for you, if that helps, which it probably won’t, since you’re not likely to be able to handle the weird back-to-back consonant sounds unless you were weaned on Stoli and borscht.

      • ViveLaPeésistance

        Too little too late, boys. Save your anger for the gulag food lines.

        • YayConspiracy

          Oh, I thought: Comey has an infecction with Ophiocordyceps unilateralis.

    • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

      Slishkom malo i slishkom pozdno, mal chiki. Sokhranite svoi gnev dlya pishchevoi linii v GULAGe.

      Something about gulag, I understand that part. How do people go around saying “gnev dlya”, they must eat some kind of weird sausages or something.

  • eyelashviper

    Maxine Waters statement translated:

    Винт Кони с кактусом

    (it involves a plant with sharp, nasty, and poisonous spines being
    inserted in a certain orifice of FBI Director)

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    It was revealed that , although Anthony Weiner thought he was texting with a young girl, it was actually a Russian agent. His laptop was full of pictures of Trump blowing Putin.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    They measured dicks. Turns out Comey and the Russian Puppet’s dicks’, added together, are almost equal to one normal dick. The Democrats are angry that two tiny dicks were able to fuck the entire country while Putin watched from the window.

    • Monty Market

      Herr Drumpf was asked, “What’s the diff between garbanzo beans and chickpea?” He responded, “Never had garbonzo on my face.” (Attribution to others.)

      • H0mer0

        [but Nancy Reagan had Bonzo in her face, I presume]

  • dslindc
    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Monsanto Shill !!!!!!!!!

    • janecita

      I hope that the ones that voted from Trump because “Hillary is a liar,” do as well.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        But!!!! Emails. !!!!!

        • Rosaliarcox

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !ux182c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash472ShopFoxGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!ux182c:….,……

      • HazooToo

        They don’t do that hippy dippy shit! JEEZUS will save them…. aaaaany day now….

    • ahughes798

      And the ones who didn’t vote at all.

  • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

    Comey revealed that it wasn’t Russian pre bookers, but Comey that baptized the hotel bedding.

  • Martini Ambassador

    I’m pretty sure it went down like this: Everything was going well at the ol’ classified briefing, except Comey kept shifting in his seat. He seemed unsteady, unable to focus. Perhaps, some members speculated, he had contracted the dreaded Baltic Balls. It was diagnosed rather fearfully often in DC political circles these days. Towards the end of the session, Comey stood, and seeking relief he unzipped his pants, letting them slide to the ground. House Dems were shocked, realizing a Russian large-mouth sturgeon has affixed itself to Comey’s trouser-tackle. Was it pleasuring him? Was it menacing him, threatening to bite the man-sausage off at its base if angered? Realizing it was suddenly exposed, the fish detached itself and straightened its tie. Yes, it was wearing a tie. Regaining as much dignity as it could muster, the sturgeon walked on its fins, towards the door. As it exited the chamber, it whispered, in its garbled, fishy voice, “eeeeeemailzzzzzzzzz.”

    • eyelashviper

      LOL, but did it also squeal bennnnnnghaaaazzzziiii???

      • Martini Ambassador

        Oh yes, my sources say that definitely also happened.

    • Lulu Mac

      This is the most glorious thing I have read I quite a while…

      • Martini Ambassador

        Hehe, thanks!

  • therblig

    One of the republicans pulled out a deck of cards and Comey strangled a page.

    • Doug Langley

      And everyone said “James Comey is the warmest, bravest, kindest, most wonderful person I’ve ever met in my life.”

    • H0mer0

      [“Raymond” was hot. Frank never did it for me but great movie.]

  • dslindc

    I certainly hope the Democrats come together, channel that anger in a cohesive way, and fucking do something!

    • Amanda Panda

      me too, but they couldn’t even agree that Americans should be able to reimport drugs from Canada to save $$. they are spineless when they are in charge, and even worse when the other team has the ball.

      this feels so much worse than 2001.

      • javadavis

        Call em all, write letters. It isn’t as easy as it sounds but let’s be the calcium they need to grow a dam spine.

    • geoffalnutt

      Democrats do a lot of hand-wringing. Republicans enter shooting.

  • Electric Ukulele Land

    Given that pretty much literally everything we learned about the context of Comey’s letter (that it pertained to Weiner’s laptop, etc) came from leaks, I only think it’s fair that we learn about the content of this meeting from a leak as well.

    • Serai 1

      I don’t doubt that we will, soon enough.

    • Leaks, excited Republican critter who just HADDA tell the press all about it, tomahto, tomayto

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    I’m guessing some part of the dossier is credible and Comey is refusing to release it before the inauguration because “President” (and there would be a chance to have the election invalidated) and he told all the Democrats to keep their mouths shut or be charged with something.

    • Serai 1

      The spirit of Hoover is alive and well.

    • javadavis

      Chance to invalidate the election? Yeah, right, a fat one. We have had our stupid government mouthpieces apparently saying that they cannot force an investigation into compromised voting machines because they don’t want to cause a lack of faith in the compromised voting machines. This seems a lot like not putting on the brakes before we get to that washed out bridge because we don’t want people to lose faith in brakes or in bridges.

  • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

    My guess? Comey admitted he was jealous of Obama and felt he needed to get revenge at Barry for being so perfect.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      I think it was personal with Clinton. He was, after all, part of the team that did the whole Whitewater gig.

      • Doug Langley

        Didn’t Bill pardon someone whom Comey had been investigating for years?

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          Marc Rich.

          • Doug Langley

            Thanks. I remember someone mentioning he had a whale of a grudge against the Clintons.

  • chicken thief

    Comey revealed that the whole thing – from primary through the final vote count, was masterminded by one Mike Pence, Governor of the Great State of Indiana, who is now just biding his time until he becomes Preznit.

  • Marceline

    Slightly OT but John Lewis went there and called Trump illegitimate.

    • was this after the meeting or before?

      • Marceline

        I don’t think he was in the meeting. I think he just doesn’t give a fuck anymore.

    • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

      Would love to know UpchuKKK Turd’s thought process during that chat.

    • Doug Langley

      You mean – a real From Russia With Love?

    • lroom

      I seriously love that man.

  • CW

    Good, he can share a cell in Supermax with Trump, Michael Flynn, Jill Stein, and Ajamu Baraka after the treason conviction.

  • azeyote

    well the traitors will be in full power very soon so we won’t have to worry about the whole treason thing anymore – they won the election so there

  • FauxAntocles

    I’m sorry, why isn’t this guy on his way to prison?

  • gullywompr

    The man is a paid shill. But in the end, it is he that will pay.

  • The Librarian
    • HazooToo

      Okay, Evancho has a transgender sister, and she’s still doing the inaug? Wow.

      • Jukesgrrl

        And the Dreamgirl, Jennifer Holliday, who seems to have forgotten her biggest fan base is gay men. I hope they dump her.

        • geoffalnutt

          She cancelled! Yay!!!

          • sarafina

            Over John Lewis disrespect, I read.

      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        Rent is due.

        • Rags

          Oh, she thinks she’s getting paid? Bwahahahahahahah!

  • JustDon’tSayPeePee

    Maybe the end is when Comey said, “…and I’ll be damned if some stupids kids in an ugly van and their stupid talking dog are going to take down MY FINEST FUCKING WORK!!!! SNARRRLLLL!!!

  • Courser

    I think Comey told them that it was all true and they could all fucking go pound sand because the new God-King Shitweasel will shut it all down.

    Kind of like, “HAW HAW! We got you good and they’re ain’t Thing-Fuckin’-One you can do about it. How do you like THEM apples, huh? Take your INVESTIGATION and shove it up your collective asses! SIDEWAYS!”

  • Electric Ukulele Land

    Well, that didn’t take much time at all…
    Basically he tried to play the “we don’t comment on ongoing investigations” card again, but gave himself an out that amounts to “well, if people know about it already, its okay” to excuse the Clinton email. The fact we didn’t know about it but for the email not withstanding. When it was pointed out that “well, we know about the Russia thing now, so you can comment on that now too, right?” he was like “smoke bomb!” and hid under his desk.

    • Doug Langley

      I’m guessing this won’t be the last time for the next four years a foreign paper gets the scoop over the domestic ones.

      • Paperless Tiger

        By now the moles may outnumber the locals.

      • Xenophile23

        The Guardian really is The Shit. I relied on it throughout the campaign. AFAIK they reported this first – at least, it’s the first place I saw it (can’t claim I looked *everywhere*). It’s the paper I’ve been recommending to people looking for good media sources to support.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    If wingnuts can believe Obama is a socialist communist Muslim from Kenya, I can believe The Russians have a Trump sex tape. Which seem more likely?

    • Stealing this.

      • kerrielou

        Me too.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    The Wall Street Journal said on Friday in an editorial that Comey ought to resign.

    Da fuck?

  • Stulexington

    Something celebratory like ‘that bitch is finished’ said under his breath caught on a hot mic.

  • bluicebank

    He revealed that the FBI is re-booting COINTELPRO.

    • Rick Hill

      Well, of course they are. Might be a chance the Dems win the next one and hold donald accountable.

      • Bill Slider

        Like the way they held Bush-Chaney accountable.

  • Jenny

    I’m going to go with “yeah so we have the pee tapes, but figured no one would be interested.”

  • TundraGrifter

    Those tapes are golden, I tell you! Golden!

  • President in Exile Firefly

    Here’s how Comey concluded his briefing: “I’m about to make a million dollars, bitchez! Dolla dolla bills!”

    • Celtic_Gnome

      “And then I’m going to Disneyland!”

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    Future Residential Medal of Freedom honoree.

  • ahughes798

    Thanks, OBama! Dumbass.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Why do I think all this shit is only going to get worse?

    Oh, because Donald Trump is President of the United States of America.

    • javadavis

      Not for seven days. Revel in the brief respite and make sure your passport is up to date.

  • javadavis

    Check out that chyron near the end of the vid:
    Are they telling us that they should leave the FBI alone because Comey’s treasonous (allegedly) actions already threw the election? Because that would be really stupid. That would be sort of like catching an embezzler stealing your company’s funds and saying ‘oh, well, it’s too late. The damage is done’. More directly in response to the actual chyron, if the FBI’s conduct has caused damage, that conduct should be 1) punished to discourage people from ignoring da rulez and 2) altered in the future, partly through discouraging bad behavior by ensuring that bad behavior has actual and painful consequences. Duh!

    • mfp

      “…sort of like…saying ‘oh well, it’s too late, the damage is done’…”

      youmean, kinda like what happened after cheney and company lied us into war with war crimes and they still arent in prison?
      and kinda like how all the wall street kings crimed and fucked us out of all our homes and monies and crashed the world economy with lying and cheating and still arent in prison?
      and kinda like how all the right wing nutjob western confederacy secessionist bundies and militia fuckers stole, occupied, and threatened federal lands/agents and still arent in prison?

      i could go on, but….i’m sensing a pattern, maybe

      • javadavis

        Kinda EXACTLY like that!! Compare and contrast with the ‘it’s never too late’ to bring up emails, Benghazi, Whitewater, any manufactured bs fake claim ad nauseum – coupled with no attempt at all by the victims of those smears to sue the bastards for libel and slander.

  • Relativicus

    Comey revealed the FBI could have gone ahead with indictments of Trump and/or Trump Adjacents in September, but didn’t want to have any negative influence on the election.

    Of a Republican president, I mean.

  • AndyC316

    This is infuriating and all, but what difference does it make? If Trump’s out, we get Pence and Ryan, and that’s equally horrifying. I hope the truth comes out before we get ICBMed by China, or before I have to watch, WITH MY OWN EYES, that fucking Trump golden shower tape

    • pstockholm

      Makes a huge difference, besides reducing the chances of Armageddon.
      If Trump goes down, yes we have Pence and Ryan, but they’ll be weakened. They can be also be attacked as the crew who fluffed Trump, rushed to kiss his ring and pooh-poohed the Russian connection. All of that is golden, in 2018 and beyond.

      • Bill Slider

        We should all live so long. If Trump goes down, his sick mind will take control. We all go down with him. Putin wins.

    • Bill Slider

      It would crash the Internet, so you will be spared.

  • geoffalnutt

    He’s working for Putin. Duh.

    • Bill Slider

      They all are, yet they are too stupid to realize it. Children on a playground, when offered candy by a stranger, have better analytical skills.

  • WeaselPoo

    Going from the guardian description, it seems that Comey:

    has simply refused to provide any kind of briefing in what was supposed to be a briefing.

    is using a “no-comment on ongoing investigation” argument, when the briefing is actually secret and the argument does not apply

    is excusing his silence as precautionary, even though behind closed doors, despite NOT applying that same discretion regarding the merely adjacent so-called investigation of e-mails ancillary to the fruitless done-to death Clinton BenghaziGate debacle.

    is not saying a damn thing about investigating the DNC hack—probs because he’s not investigating it, becuase why the fuck would he as screwing the Clinton campaign and the Democrats was, and continues to be, his personal objective, irrespective of the responsibilities of his position;

    no briefing on the overall Russian election hacking, becuase then he’d have to provide details, which he doesn’t have ( because he’s not investigating), nor on Trump’s Russia connections ( because he’s not investigating those either}

    and thus the Democrats have practically nothing to compel him to do what is supposed to be his job, and aren’t allowed to say why, because unlike Comey, they take the oath to maintain the confidentiality of secret briefings as a serious responsibility to be upheld regardless of politics.

    • ahughes798

      Can someone tell me why OBama put him in that position again?

  • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

    Wonkette meetup: L-R Longtail, Shivaskeeper, Crissy Hibbs, Sister Artemis.

    Not shown: Kiri the Unicorn

    • mailman27

      Damn! Missed the unicorn again!!

  • Bill Slider

    You just know that this pee-pee tape is real. Even I know that when in Russia, China, North Korea, and likely many friendly countries as well, that they have video machines, and they use them to blackmail even you and me, if the opportunity presents itself. We likely do the same thing. One is wise not to confuse hookers and golden showers with a dark chocolate mint in gold foil placed on your pillow.

  • themidniteskulker

    Thank God this pee tape has knocked the stolen election off the news shows. Also.

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