[UPDATE! SEXY NIGHTBLOG ESTA AQUI!]
GREETINGS, GOOD MORNING, BONJOUR! It is time for the Super Bowl and the World Figure Skating Championships of politics, otherwise known as the U.S. American presidential election! We are your Wonkette Jr., which means either we are all contributing to this post, or we have all taken the day off and instructed Wonkette Baby Donna Rose to man the ship while the growned-ups go drinking.
WE ARE JUST FOOLING, TODDLERS ARE NOT BLOGGERS.
We can report at this point that Hillary Clinton has voted in her hometown of Chappaqua, New York, and also that Hillary won the traditional midnight voting kick-off thing that happens in Dickstown Snatch in New Hampshire, or whatever it’s called. Also too, the kids on “Morning Joe” are on speed we think.
Oh, and also this:
Guess he finally decided to vote for Hillary.
Keep refreshing this page EVERY THIRTY SECONDS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!
9:30: Rat-romancer Roger Stone has a very special treat for us that we are stealing forever and ever, it is so good it will be the first, last and only post on this livebloog, forever!
9:37: If you are already burned out on the election and would rather just watch red pandas all day long, the San Francisco zoo is livestreaming red pandas all day long. No idea who the pandas are voting for, but it’s San Francisco so they’re probably gay for Hillary.
9:55: Amusing Fake-news site The Hard Times brings us this important electoral update:
Please send your outraged cries about how third parties will never get any traction as long as we settle for the Evil of Two Lessers directly to DearShitFerBrains@wonkette.com.story up for you! It is how James O’Keefe made Huma Abedin do election fraud! Oh that jokester! That terrible, grotesque, stupid, mean, lying, ratfucking, and quite unattractive jokester!
MEANWHILE! Ann Coulter has some Thoughts, and would you believe they are stupid thoughts???
If that were the case, Ann, Donald Trump could not vote for Trump in a landslide. (His mother was a Scottish housekeeper or something.) Neither could Ivanka and her idiot brothers, who are loinfruits of Zsa Zsa Gabor, I am pretty sure. Care to try your gross xenophobia again?
ICYMIA Look Back At How I Was Incredibly Right About Barack Obama And Will Be Right About Hillary Clinton Too
10:25: It’s fair to say the Clinton campaign is feeling pretty confident if they have time to do this:
— Bradd Jaffy (@BraddJaffy) November 8, 2016
Seriously, it is all just fun and games and #mannequinchallenges on the Clinton plane! Meanwhile, Donald Trump is eating his hair.
10:45: COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Have you bought a Nasty Woman tee or tote bag or coffee mug today?
Have you bought a Wonkette Game of US America Elections Game: The Game yet? We have sooooo many. It’s fun! And collectible! And we made it before the election got so dark and weird and full of FBI men and Nazis! Look, it’s so easy a babby can play!
END COMMERCIAL BREAK
11:00 Ready for some CRY TIME? How about “the line to visit the grave of Susan B. Anthony” at 8 a.m.? Today, people are awesome.
The scene at Susan B. Anthony’s grave. And it’s a scene. pic.twitter.com/mgQNwmsB9f
— Sarah Maslin Nir (@SarahMaslinNir) November 8, 2016
11:05 IN MEMORIAM: The Trump Surrogates. Oh, how we will miss them if they ever get off our TV.
I will remember you. Will you remember me? In memoriam … the best of the worst Trump pundits pic.twitter.com/J04tJ28yfG
— Jennifer Hayden (@Scout_Finch) November 7, 2016
11:15 And here is Donald Trump getting booed as he shows up to do #democracy.
Scene outside PS 59 as Donald Trump arrives to vote for himself for the second time ever pic.twitter.com/u2ut5yjDss
— Noah Gray (@NoahGrayCNN) November 8, 2016
He will probably win New York though, we bet, because he said so, and he never lies.it is Evan and he is the best! Go laugh and cry and read it again and again!
11:50: Here is your last night’s Samantha Bee, on how we tore down Hillary Rodham like a pack of goddamn wolves. You will like it. Watch it.
12:05: Trump voting update! LOL.
— Harrison Greenbaum (@harrisoncomedy) November 8, 2016
And here is Trump making sure Melania isn’t pulling an Evangelical Housewife and secretly voting for Hillz.
12:27: DRUDGE SIRENS OMG, DID DONALD TRUMP ACTUALLY SAY HE’S LESS PROUD OF HIS DAUGHTER TIFFANY ON LIVE FOX NEWS TV? The Twitter is saying that!
Ugh, we unfortunately have to “defend” Donald Trump now. If you watch the video, you’ll see he’s talking about being proud of how hard his kids worked on his campaign, and “to a lesser extent, Tiffany.” But he’s not saying he’s just generally less proud of Tiffany, even though “TO A LESSER EXTENT TIFFANY” is probably engraved on a plaque above the entrance to Tiffany’s bedroom at Trump Tower, which is in the basement.
He actually says Tiffany just got out of school, so she wasn’t able to do quite as much for the campaign as Trump’s other hellspawn.
This concludes “defending Donald Trump,” we shall now move on.
12:33: Early exit polling from Politico shows American voters think this election is the worst and are sad and depressed and angry and nervous and hate everything right now. About what we expected!perpetrated a Thinky Piece on how this election has changed our perceptions of reality FOREVER. You should go read it, and then laugh or weep, as the mood hits you. It’s all subjective anyway, as are facts in the Trump Era.
12:50: Oh shit you guys, James O’Keefe saw a Black!
— James O'Keefe (@JamesOKeefeIII) November 8, 2016
Oh, thank God, he’s “tailing” him. To prevent him from giving people rides to the polls, because “voting” means you are rigging the election, if you are Voting While Black. Jesus Fucking Christ is this puny shitbird ever going to just go away? Probably not. He sees “voting fraud” everywhere, even if it’s mostly the kind he has to create for his dumb videos.
1:10: Seriously, Eric Trump now too? Do Trump men have THAT LITTLE respect for the integrity of the ballot? And do they have THAT LITTLE trust that their wives don’t lie in bed at night, dreaming of exactly which angle to slide that icepick behind the ear?
1:20: Oh, honey. Oh poor poor honey. First, take that dumb hat off your racism frog. Then? Grab all the pussy! (Do not grab the pussy. Ask nicely first.)
4chan today. pic.twitter.com/7ksUg5QepG
— Jack Smith IV (@JackSmithIV) November 8, 2016
1:36: From the invaluable John Scalzi, creator of the Mallet of Loving Correction:
1:48: Here’s some wisdom on Democracy (it’s a REPUBLIC, dammit!) from deadbeat dad Joe Walsh:
2:00: Mayor of Mansfield, Georgia, posts a HILARIOUS message on his Facebook:
Read your Editrix Rebecca on it here!
Riley said he wasn’t trying to be ugly.
“People take things so seriously,” he told The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. “You can’t joke about anything anymore — especially on social media.”
Jesus! (Or is it “Jesus” with an h!) This fucking guy DOES NOT LOVE DEMOCRACY. Knock us over with a tamale.
2:28: Livestream of hearing on Trump’s Nevada lawsuit: http://www.lasvegasnow.com/breaking-live-news
The judge is skeptical, to say the least:how bad Donald Trump and his whole dumb family are at voting, and at America. (It is very, very bad.)
2:40: Here’s a linky to the full Trump Nevada Lawsuit for you.
God-Emperor of Nevada political reporters Jon Ralston is having fun with this:
2:47: More Ralston:
3:16: Some BREAKING NEWS ITEMS for you right now! For one thing, Rush Limbaugh’s sources say George W. and Laura Bush did #ImWithHer in the voting booths today! Limbaugh grumbled about “grrrr establishment farrrrrrrt” and we hope he’s very sad right now.
Also, a Trump-supporting pastor has had a vision about the election, and it is that gay hornet demons are going to sting you in the wing-wang with their butts and turn you gay with their sexxxy gay hornet potion. SO ‘SCITING!
Lastly, some badass high school kids have walked out of school, right in the middle of Common Core class, to yell at grown-ups to get off their behinds and go vote against asshole Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Apparently they’re saying cusses about what a shithead Trump is too. KIDS THESE DAYS! Watch it here.
3:39: Oh hey, do you want to have a video to cry at, with a 102-year-old black lady talking about how grateful she is that she lived to see the first black president, and hopefully now the first lady president elected? CRY AT THIS:
3:52: Wanna watch random New York voters laugh right in Donald Trump’s face? OF COURSE YOU DO!
— Josh (@joshmbarn) November 8, 2016
5:08: THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!!
— Jason Volack (@jasonvolack) November 8, 2016
No, but seriously, who is that cake supposed to be? It sort of looks like that global warming denier Bjorn Lomborg? Or Ted Koppel? Or Robert Byrd?
It definitely does not look like Donald Trump?
“And that, grandchildren, is how Ted Koppel became the international symbol for failure.”
5:30: Ahem. Drudge is already calling states. LOL OK. That sure is how elections work, Matt Drudge, ayup!
5:40: CHI-CAAAA-GOANS! We almost forgot to invite you to go hang out with Robyn at North! Tonight! At 1637 W. North Avenue! At a time! To drink all the drinks with your strong shoulders!
That is not how drinks work!
THIS IS HOW DRINKS WORK!
It is a “salt and pepper,” and the good people of Plonk in Missoula, MT, were kind enough to print out the recipe for us!
Now make your husband make you five! WONKETTE COCKTAIL WEEK HAS BEGUN!
6:10: Oh hrmmmmm I am sure this is quite a coincidence! Women just wear white pantsuits in November all the time, it is how we do! (“We” do not wear white, because we do not own white, because it gets grotty and pitstainy and we don’t use bleach. But we’re totally sure that other people do, and Cindy McCain is not trying to say anything with her #white #pantsuit for #suffrage, nope, nothing at all.)
— Ryan Teague Beckwith (@ryanbeckwith) November 8, 2016
6:39: Now that we’ve got a couple of cocktails in us, we are brave enough to face cable news. Chris Matthews, to Kellyanne Conway, mentions that Hillary Clinton has two speeches prepared for tonight. This brings us back in time to one of those periodic “Hillary Clinton says a thing that makes us crazy” things: in 2008, asked if she ever thought about losing, she claimed that the thought had literally never once entered her head. And maybe she was just playing “optimism confident” thing, but it made us INSANE.
DO NOT BE LIKE GEORGE W. BUSH, PLAN FOR THE FUCKING CONTINGENCIES!!
Anyway, Hillz has a speech prepped for if “the bad news happens.” Donald Trump? LOL yeah, still eating his hair.
7:05: THIS. BLOG. IS. CLOOOOOOOSED!!!!!
Go here to the sexy NIGHTBLOG instead! No lines at the Disqus to cast your comments which are not allowed!