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"And then they started singing Bob Dylan. The horror..."
DESPAIR

When she wakes up most afternoons these days, Peggy Noonan finds herself drowning in a demitasse of her own malaise. Nay, it’s not simply that her houseboy Manuel keeps teasing her by hiding the sort of pills that turn her frown upside down on the top shelf in the butler’s pantry — “uppers,” she’s pretty sure Schoolchildren These Days call them. Manuel will be fired for this, of course. Except … He’s been with her all these years, and who among us can’t benefit from a pinch of mirth, a childlike prank, in these dark days?

The presidential election has gotteneth her down in the dumps. “Margaret Ellen!” she says, for she uses her first and middle name when she’s scolding herself. “Get it together! You are a Republican, and you will vote for the Republican, like you always do, and the Grande Olde Party will recover from this … unsavory … Donald Trump!” But lo, she did not believe the voices in her head. Her therapist said it wasn’t the best idea to do that. So she grabbed her quill pen, dipped it into an open bottle of Sazerac and chewed on it while she brainstormed her latest column for the Wall Street Journal news-paper.

“Look, he’s a nut,” she typed, “and you know he’s a nut.” She could hear that still small voice, chiding her for committing the sin of name-calling. Why, she was behaving like a common townspeople! As she worried about what a “nut” that terrible Trump boy is, Peggy remembered how much she likes nuts, especially the foreign exotic nuts Manuel brings her from the bodega, where the precious and whimsical immigrants work. She reminded herself to fill her Thermos with gin so she could carry her cheque-book down to that bodega on her own later that day, to buy some of those nuts. Manuel deserves the day off every now and then, does he not?

Peggy continued writing:

[H]e’s not a grizzled general who bears on his face the scars of a British sword, and not a shining citizen-patriot. He’s a screwball. Do you need examples? You do not, because you’re already thinking of them. For a year you’ve been observing the TV funhouse that is his brain.

What filth was emanating from Peggy’s fingers, what insults! Was the boorish Donald Trump rubbing off on her genteel spirit? Had she been reading too much of that adorably naughty Wonkette website that teases her so? Whither this vulgarity seeping into her soul?

Sudden onset vapors didst overcome Peggy, so she retired to the floor of her parlor, where, teetering between her normal waking state of semi-consciousness and sleep, she began to have Imagination Time:

What if there had been a Sane Donald Trump?

Oh my God, Sane Trump would have won in a landslide.

“Lose yourself in the comforting, beautiful pictures in your mind,” her therapist would say. “Lose yourself!” So she did. Peggy imagined a Donald Trump who smiles a little bit more, who speaks in elegant, flowery sentences, and who whispers sweet nothings into the ears of Dignified Republicans such as herself:

[He] would have said, “Come into my tent. It’s a new one, I admit, but it’s yuge and has gold faucets and there’s a place just for you. What do you need? That I be less excitable and dramatic? Done. That I not act, toward women, like a pig? Done, and I accept your critique. That I explain the moral and practical underpinnings of my stand on refugees from terror nations? I’d be happy to. My well-hidden secret is that I love everyone and hear the common rhythm of their beating hearts.”

Swirling ’round and ’round in Imagination Land, the hologram of Donald Trump merged with Jesus Christ and also Tony from West Side Story, and Peggy didn’t know where this hallucination was taking her, but she liked it. My father’s house has many rooms! There’s a place for us! Somewhere! Someday! WE’LL FIND A NEW WAY OF LIVING! WE’LL FIND A WAY OF FORGIVING! SOME-WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!

Peggy realized she was no longer lying on the floor. She was DANCING! Up and down her gallery she went, her toes light as a ballerina … but who was this dashing man twirling her? Had the charming, elegant Sane Jesus Trump Christ of her imagination come to life to sweep her away forever?

Sane Donald Trump for president.

First I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes!

Something jabbed Peggy in the eye, jarring her into sobriety. “Where am I? Who am I? Have I eaten anything this week?” She stumbled to her typewriter to put the finishing touch on her column:

Too bad he doesn’t exist.

Peggy Noonan had been waltzing with her coat rack. Again.

[Wall Street Journal]

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  • monoglot

    Is what she’s on even legal?

  • Nounverb911

    There isn’t enough gin in all the world to slow this women down…

    • Crank Tango

      Is that a challenge?

    • GoutMachine

      Is it intravenous? Or just constantly sipped?

  • mackafritz

    Sane Donald Trump would have never won the nomination.

    • Nounverb911

      Sane Donald would have given up after the first bankruptcy.

      • weejee

        Or the first hundred lawsuits.

    • GoutMachine

      I feel like they had about 8 “sane” “Donald Trumps” in the primaries. They all lost.

      • Ikimizi

        Exactly. If a “sane Trump” had been able to win the primary, he’d have been just as awful, but more presentable. And this election would be a lot closer.

        • Seek

          Nope, the deplorables Love Him for the insanity and rage. That’s what won the primaries. Had he behaved sanely, they never would have noticed him and he’d have been out after Super Tuesday

  • bubbuhh

    Noonan is still fighting the war against the British? Who Noonan?

    • guppy06

      Noonan couldn’t compete with Nancy’s head of heads.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Sure, Peggers. And I want a rocketship.

  • berkeleyfarm

    This. Is beautiful.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Funny Evan is funny.

  • Nounverb911

    Peeggy only mentioned Reagan once, she might finally be recovering from him…

    • M.D.

      She’s just playing hard to get. (In her imagination, Ronnie is still alive.)

    • georgiaburning

      She’s moved on to Cornwallis

    • weejee

      Chrystal clear.

  • Bub the Bad Zombre

    Reposting this from the Wonkagenda thread, because it belongs here.

    Just read Peggy’s unhinged screed. Oh for Christ’s sake. Did you run that sac of ‘”Oh, if only” bullshit past your pal Cesar at the deli Peggy? I especially loved this line:

    “Since I am more in accord with Mr. Trump’s stands than not, I am particularly sorry that as an individual human being he’s a nut.”

    WHICH stands are you in accord with, you gin-sodden old hack? Because they change daily – even HOURLY – according to who he happens to be speaking to. Even he doesn’t know what his stands are. Mind bogglingly stupid. Just crack another bottle of Beefeaters and get back to fantasizing about St. Ronnie and killing your liver, you goddamned idiot.

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      And most of what Trump stands for would gag a maggot.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    With the Clinton’s back in th White House, Peggy’s and MoDo’s interns will never have to worry about what to write about.

    • weejee

      Physical cosmology?

    • kindness

      As long as we don’t get lines like this anymore:
      “I FIRST SAW HIM AS A FOOT, a highly polished brown cordovan wagging
      merrily on a hassock. I spied it through the door. It was a beautiful
      foot, sleek, perfectly shaped. Such casual elegance and clean lines! But
      not a big foot, not formidable, maybe even a little . . . frail. I
      imagined cradling it in my arms, protecting it from un-smooth roads.” – NY Times, 10/15/89

      • laughingnome

        Foot fetishist

      • GHERKINS OF TRUTH!

        Wow, that’s real? Her writings, in public?!
        Come on, that’s gotta be a hoax.

        That’s Piltdown Can’t-Even.

  • Scooby

    Sane Trump is an oxymoron.

    • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

      Some kinda moron, at any rate.

      • Msgr_Bad_Hombre

        I think Scooby meant Rush.

        • GoutMachine

          That would be oxycontin.

    • laughingnome

      Nazi moron

  • memzilla

    Vicodin and Tanqueray and Red Bull cocktail libel!!1!!

  • Peggington is no Fred
    https://youtu.be/BsamfGBGtmc

    • doktorzoom

      I thought you meant Fred Noonan, who helped Amelia Earhart get lost.

    • Longstreet63

      Pretty much NOBODY will ever be Fred, except Fred.

  • doktorzoom

    I consider it a blessing that Ms. Noonan has not chosen to write any My Little Pony fanfic.

    • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

      She finds Applejack way too uncouth and a disagreeable shade of orange.

      • guppy06

        Noonan = Rarity + absinthe

        • Tishalicious

          ~And~ laudanum

    • guppy06

      … that she’s signed her real name to.

    • Snark Tank, Bad Hombre

      yet.

  • vivian

    That sad shame of it is, Ms. Von Nooningtonham will never really be accepted at the Country Club because she actually works (shudder) and worse than that, for the Godawful press no less. Why, she’s practically a grease monkey.

    • ImGoingBacon

      monkey libels! and grease also, too.

  • mackafritz
    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      I miss Hee Haw. Really.

      • Paul Dietzel

        It’s on every Sunday night at 8:00 on RFD Channel (“Rural America’s most important Network”) DirecTV, Channel 345. On this week’s episode from 1978 one of the guests is Little Jimmy Dickens ! Maybe he’ll do “May The Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose”!
        Last week the Kendall’s did “Heaven’s Just A Sin Away.”
        On RFD when you see a listing for “Mecum Auction” don’t expect Vettes and GTO’s – it’s John Deere and Farmalls. Another weekly high point is “Molly B’s Polka Party” Sat Nights at 10.

        • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

          My ISP carries DirecTV but I’ve never installed it. Now I’m not so sure about saying “no I don’t watch enough to be worth the cost” next time a sale comes around.

    • sincarne

      Oh my gosh, hilarious. My mum used to sing that to me when I was a mopey kid.

  • Longstreet63

    Funny about that “General” comment. Here in USAmerica, we seldom elect generals, and often regret it when we do. They’ve largely given up running.

    • guppy06

      Ummm… regrets over Jackson turned up decades later, regrets over Grant fizzled out and were based on things that were probably baseless charges by political opponents…. Harrison the First and Taylor just ended up as Trivial Pursuit questions… The only other two generals I can think of seem pretty well liked, by contemporaries and after.

      Then there are the generals like Sherman and Powell who have famously said “lolno.”

  • Nasty Leftenant Anna

    She got *paid* for writing that, Y’all.

    • Nounverb911

      Let Murdoch waste his money.

      • Tishalicious

        But he could just as easily do so on me!

    • Oblios_Cap

      It’s not fair!

  • Brian

    Sometimes a woman has to be told she’s nasty!

    https://twitter.com/allegrakirkland/status/789468953399681024

  • bubbuhh

    The Noonan dreams a dream of Manuel and all the little people of bogegaland

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHugvZf-4g8

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      Sassy and cute.

  • memzilla
    • James Christopher Owen

      Not thinking about it. Not thinking about it…

  • Lulu Mac
  • schmannity

    Peggy Noonan. Very nasty woman. Lush. Sad.

    DJT

  • limberrat

    Geez Peggy, you could have endorsed McMuffin. Most of your NotTrump friends have.

    • Msgr_Bad_Hombre
      • limberrat

        I honestly think he is going to take a bigger share of R votes than people realize. A lot of Mormon and Evangelical voters I know who hate Trump and would never vote for Hilz are flocking to him.

        • Lulu Mac

          Is he on the ballot in any other state?

          • limberrat

            He’s on the ballot in 11 states and a write-in in 23 states.

          • Lulu Mac

            Eh, so he could really fuck some shit up…good times…

          • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

            Ross Perot, but self-inflicted this time.

  • Mpeg

    I want to be there when she passes out; so I can pull a Wonkette t-shirt on her, put a half finished cigar stub in her hand, hide her pantyhose and compact mirror in the fridge, and hide the booze somewhere she can’t reach it, someplace like Tangible Reality.

  • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

    The top picture. Did she fall asleep in mid-rant?

    • guppy06

      Sung to her tranqs: “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it!”

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    So if Donnie was nothing like he actually is, he would have done better this election. Gotcha… In a certain sense that has to be true- when you’re at rock bottom any direction you go will be up.

    • Msgr_Bad_Hombre

      The wet Sahara is the world’s breadbasket.

    • AnOuthouse

      If only he was more Obama-esque.

    • Bad Hombre Ron

      Counterfactuals are always true. Basic logical principle.

      • ImGoingBacon

        Completion Backwards Principle libels!

  • fawkedifiknow

    Peggington, that Gary Johnson guy is a “nut.” Trump is a pathological prick. That you don’t know the difference speaks volumes.

  • Yes, it would be nice if we had a candidate that was perfect and sparkly and made us all feel special because they would leave little notes for us on the dresser or in our lunches telling us that they love us and they heart single payer health care, and they would never fart and we’d come home and find a filet mignon dinner perfectly cooked with flowers and a bubble bath with economically responsible tax hikes on the wealthy to pay for better education in it.

    And then they’d give us a backrub and whisper softly in our ear, “I won’t get the United States involved in any more land wars in Asia, mon amour…”

    But we don’t. We live in the real world, Peg. Get used to it.

    • Bad Hombre Ron

      Why did you harsh our buzz with that last sentence, man? I was enjoying the backrub.

    • Her perfect candidate would do none of those things. It would just be Trump without the braggadociosness, and the ability to keep the dog whistles quieter.

  • memzilla

    O/T Nice Time! Drumpf’s national political director has resigned to spend more time with his family. And probably scrub his LinkedIn profile, too.

    • Nounverb911

      He wasn’t getting paid anyway.

    • Msgr_Bad_Hombre

      And join the Federal Witless Relocatoin Program.

      • atheistinatacotruck

        So he will be making comments at Dead Breitbart then?

    • PubOption

      He can’t have been very significant in the campaign, I didn’t realize that he was involved.

    • DainBramage

      But first, a month of heavy drinking followed by a month of extreme bathing.

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      More staff turnover at a critical juncture? Excellent.All is proceeding as I have foreseen. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/aedb2f599472cd868114bed193fbf08b8a75a09b721b0f4dbd61cd78ae6fead9.jpg

  • DainBramage

    Did she also fantasize about sane Donnie explaining his white supremacism? Or is that something a Noonington would not deem appropriate to recognize?
    Since the article is behind a paywall, I can’t see.

  • Royal Ugly Hombre

    that adorably naughty Wonkette website

    The preferred nomenclature is “nasty”

  • Msgr_Bad_Hombre

    Sane Trump is a dry Trump: you can’t derp it.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I read that as a dry hump…

  • JVisconti

    Well done post on our national treasure, Evan. You’ve saved me the time of watching Seinfeld reruns to get my daily laff fix.

  • Nounverb911

    Needs more pink elephants for her DTs.

    • Cheesus Crust

      Too gay – would have given her the vapors, possibly heart failure OR black mass failure – depending on your perspective.

  • Cheesus Crust

    Yes, MOAR SANE racism, xenophobia, misogyny and fear-mongering, that would have made ALL the difference.

    FFS

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      Bring back those dog whistles. That’s the new GOP strategy.

  • Longstreet63

    Waitaminit!
    Is she talking about Romney?

  • Indiepalin

    Time for another mimosa.

  • dslindc

    I’d like a handful of whatever she’s on.

    • Bad Hombre Ron

      Sorry, it hasn’t been approved for human use yet.

    • Cheesus Crust

      That would require choking down whatever the GOP saw fit to cram into your mouth for the past 30 years..

      • James Christopher Owen

        Ew. Just gonna leave that right there.

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      One is a massive OD for anyone who hasn’t spent years under their influence.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I’ll bet Reagan never really liked her when she worked for him.

    • Nounverb911

      Only when he remembered her.

    • Royal Ugly Hombre

      Except when he mistook her for Nancy. Or the lady who brought the pills

  • Fartknocker

    I bet she’s just a fucking joy at family gatherings.

    • dslindc

      Every family needs a drunken, wingnutty, judgey, aunt Sister Peggy!

  • Look Closer

    The thing is, Hillary would have beat any of them, so there’s that.

  • Bad Hombre Ron

    Quick aside: shouldn’t that name bar say “WSJ ‘Declarations’ ‘Columnist'”?

  • Flashman

    Ladies and gentlemen, the 2016 GOP. It’s cloud-based.

  • AnOuthouse

    Poor Peggers. She always wanted a blond Raygun to go with the brunette she fell so in love with.

  • limberrat

    Peggy, the problem with Sane Trump is that he doesn’t exist. Sane Trump would have kept his yap shut and would have never have won the crazed racist vote.

  • Anna Rompage

    Imagine a sane Trump, one who while wealthy, sees a robust democracy as the shining light of civilization. One that has open arms for all of the worlds children… A person who uses their wealth and power for good, and to promote a more fair society. Imagine if Trump was cast in the image of George Soros, or Buffet, or Bill Gates…

    And then realize that the GOP would have never nominated this man, because all they have at this point is their hate and disdain, and totalitarian vision of ruling this country with a discriminatory iron fist…

    Hey GOP, you built this, and Trump is only a symptom of your disease…

  • kindness

    This from a woman who published her own fetishes regarding Reagan’s feet.

    Uhhh, Peggs? You lost me back when Alzenheimer Reagan was (supposubly) running

    the show. Now you are just digging that hole deeper.

    • James Christopher Owen

      Or she’s digging something deeper in her hole.

  • FZsdaughter

    Evan, today you win the Internet.

    • EvanHurst

      Hooray!

  • GoutMachine

    [He] would have said, “Come into my tent. It’s a new one, I admit, but it’s yuge and has gold faucets and there’s a place just for you. What do you need? That I be less excitable and dramatic? Done. That I not act, toward women, like a pig? Done, and I accept your critique. That I explain the moral and practical underpinnings of my stand on refugees from terror nations? I’d be happy to. My well-hidden secret is that I love everyone and hear the common rhythm of their beating hearts.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4f187cb30ddb729d09165f375f73c83dba6954f71c2743cee792532dd6ba91b5.jpg

    • Msgr_Bad_Hombre

      I lost track for a second and just assumed that this paragraph was Your Wonkette speaking. Yikee.

      • GoutMachine

        “Come to Butt-head.”

  • TheGrandWaz00

    I’ve heard she’s changing to another genre.
    https://c1.staticflickr.com/1/17/21015368_e1a73d7dde_m.jpg

    • Cheesus Crust

      Starz turned this into a show…

      • Jaime’s hotter than that guy

      • Msgr_Bad_Hombre

        It’s on after Ow! My balls, right?

    • Nasty Leftenant Anna

      OMG

      Sooo glad my coffee cup is in the microwave at this moment. XD

      • James Christopher Owen

        Pro tip for novice Wonketeers: read first, THEN sip.

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      “I don’t know where you’ve been laddie, but it appears you won first prize.”

    • MynameisBlarney
    • MynameisBlarney

      Och!….that’s it Lassy, me Scottish Eggs are about to blow their Haggis…

      Aaaaand I’ll just show myself the way out.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Here’s the male model for that cover…

      https://i.ytimg.com/vi/EqIHyPkQ3Ag/hqdefault.jpg

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Because Mitt Romney and George W Bush and Ronald Reagan were constantly saying shit like “I accept your critique” and “the moral and practical underpinnings of my stand on refugees from terror nations”

    Well, Reagan did, briefly, but apparently the speechwriter didn’t get along with his wife.

  • Nounverb911
  • ltmcdies

    can’t Peggy just go back to counting lawn signs…sane Donald Trump…when the hell did that guy exist?

  • Duke

    It would have been a different election if the Republicans had nominated a sane candidate.

    Hillary would have had to try hard.

    • ltmcdies

      Newt from Aliens responds…

      “It won’t make any difference”

      • Ricky Gay

        “they mostly drink at night, mostly”

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Game over, Man. Game over!”

        • James Christopher Owen

          “Why don’t we…build a fire? Sing a few songs?”

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      And Republicans would have concentrated on being sane, instead of lobbing insane accusations at Hillary and driving their base batshit crazy enough to nominate Trump.

      • Duke

        But the barking, wailing and gibbering has been fun.

    • boyblue122

      sane republicans get pushed out of the GOP primaries. Ted Cruz and Drumpf are the champions of that world

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Was there a sane one who got pushed out this time? Bear in mind there is no evidence Jim Gilmore ever existed.

        • boyblue122

          Jeb Bush was reasonable

          • Latverian Diplomat

            Michael Schiavo might disagree with you there.

          • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

            He was as close as the GOP will ever get for the rest of this century.

          • James Christopher Owen

            I’d have said Kasich, even tho he has his skeletons as well.

  • DainBramage

    Sane Donald Trump wouldn’t have even sought the nomination. He wouldn’t have been egged on by his insanely powerful inferiority complex.
    Also too, DJT isn’t a very intelligent person. His insanity is all he’s got going for him.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I don’t know, I think a more clever use of Trump’s pandering could have worked. God knows the media would have been all in.

      This is my big worry about 2020 actually.

      Granted, “clever” and “Republican candidate” hasn’t been a thing since, oh, Nixon, maybe?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Poppy wandered close, but never quite got there. “Read my lips” kinda totally sealed the deal on that.

        • James Christopher Owen

          At least he had the guts to admit he made a mistake, knowing that admission would cost him a re-election bid. But he believed it was best for the country, so, total opposite of today’s Rethuglican party.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Why would his face bear the scar of a British sword? Was he stalking Mr Bean when things got out of hand?

  • kareemachan

    Has there ever, EVER been an article where she doesn’t mention Ronnie?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Ringo Starr is less dependent on one lucky break than she is.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    “Do you need examples? You do not!”

    Has Dame Peggintonshire been reading the Wonkette Style Manual?

  • anon_the_great

    Well done Evan

  • guppy06

    My well-hidden secret is that I love everyone and hear the common rhythm of their beating hearts.

    Sane Trump drops acid?

    • Cheesus Crust

      Well, this whole election cycle does feel somewhat like a really bad acid trip.

    • JMP

      Plus, he’d still be a Republican – the whole point of the Republican party is that they hate everyone who isn’t just like them.

    • Nockular cavity

      Wow. I am Agog at that sentence. She actually wrote that?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Peggy feels strongly that if you bestow the improving benison of your most poetic rhetorical flourishes on the hearty yeomen of the anglo saxon working class they’ll find they don’t need jobs, clean water, or healthcare.

    • in the name of the moon

      I know, it seemed much more like a quote from Wavy Gravy at Woodstock.

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      She is projecting her hallucinations.

  • Nounverb911

    So who do you think this putz is talking about?

    https://twitter.com/NYMag/status/789490186140999680

    • Nasty Leftenant Anna

      GFY, Brian Babin.

      ~signed, Nasty Anna

    • edith prickly

      Oh, we knew at least one of them was going to agree with him.

      • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

        All of them, but silently as usual.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He’s basically proclaiming, as loud as he can, “I am a bad example of a human like my master, the tiny-fingered orange-faced ferret-wearing shitgibbon.”

    • OddMan

      I read that Twitter and other sites were down this am due to a DDOS attack on the east coast of the US. And Twitter is still down here on the Central Coast of Ca as of 9:55 AM.

      Russians? Cubans? People that are tired of hearing Donald tweets?

  • laughingnome

    James Joyce libelz!!

    • Nounverb911

      Dr. Seuss libelz!

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Oh the places you’ll go on Bloomsday!

        • jmk

          I was born on Bloomsday, so the places I go are usually places that serve lunch and cocktails.

      • James Christopher Owen

        Sane I am!

  • laughingnome

    Sane Trump. What a loser. Low energy. Sad.

  • JMP

    Sane Donald Trump would still be running in an electorate with more Democrats than Republicans, and against the woman promising to continue the legacy of the incredibly popular sitting President, and so would probably still be losing but just more on the more normal Romney level instead of getting completely crushed, Peggy.

  • Ricky Gay

    I hear she spends her time creating variations of famous cocktails. Current fave = The Grimlet

    • Big Boppa (BadHombre)

      Shrewdriver.
      Gin and Toxic.
      Harvey Wouldn’t Bang Her.
      Incredibly Old Fashioned
      Whiskey Sourpuss
      Pseudo-Cosmopolitan

      • Ricky Gay

        excellent! just what I was hoping for!

      • MynameisBlarney

        Wrong Island Iced Tea

      • James Christopher Owen

        Prattlesnake.

  • Electric Ukulele Land

    Well, that was pointless.

    • Nounverb911

      Peggy usually is.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      And remember: somebody pays her to do that.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        That’s what really upsets me.

        • James Christopher Owen

          I’ve often felt the allure of Wingnut Welfare, but I still have a completely unreasonable affection for that shriveled little raisin I quaintly call my “soul”.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Donald Trump is the manifestation of the GOP started up by Barry Goldwater, cultivated by Richard Nixon, and given power in the form of Ronald Reagan.

    It must go the way of the NSDAP and the CPSU.

    Oblivion.

  • “Do you need examples? You do not.” is stolen straight from the Wonket style guide…

    • JustDon’tSayHombre

      No shit. Maybe she really is reading Evan’s columns!

  • ken schankler

    Digniifed Republicans. As if…..

  • Th’ottest curry in th’ouse

    Sane Donald Trump would have lost in a landslide to male Hillary Clinton.

    P.S. “retired to the floor of her parlour” I’m still chuckling. I am definitely stealing that.

    • DainBramage

      Sadly true. A white Obama would’ve had a much easier time as well.

      • Randy Riddle

        But how would these scenarios triangulate with a Korean Pence and a Polynesian Biden?

        • JustDon’tSayHombre

          Pretty sure Korean Pence would be in the wrong Korea.

  • Bitter Scribe

    This is a funny post, but it points up a serious problem that looms post-election.

    Republicans, whether they supported Trump, tolerated him or opposed him, will be seized by a raging case of the if-onlys. “If only Trump had acted sane…if only we had nominated a real conservative like Rubio or Cruz…”

    This happens after every election, of course, on both sides. (“If only [Dukakis, Gore, Kerry, whoever] hadn’t been such a stiff…”) But it’s going to be on steroids this time, and it’s going to be especially pernicious because of the subtext: Hillary Clinton was such a terrible lying liar devious bitch etc. etc. that anyone other than Trump could have beaten her.

    This will only serve to delegitimize her further as she takes office. And it doesn’t matter that it’s utter bullshit. If Rubio, Cruz and the rest of the deep bench couldn’t handle a reality-show clown in the primaries, why in the world would anyone think they would prevail in a general election against one of the most prepared, qualified and experienced major-party candidates to run in decades?

    Already there’s serious discussion about the Senate refusing to confirm anyone she names to the Supreme Court, an unprecedented bit of outright subversion that everyone just seems to be shrugging at. It will only get worse. This is why shit like Noonan’s column isn’t quite so funny to me.

    • Good_Trouble_Yall

      But if we take the Senate, they will do what she wants. And perhaps a Supreme Court that finds itself with, say, three vacancies would like to look at that portion of the constitution that says the Senate’s role is to “advise and consent” to the President’s nominees, and rule that they don’t get to actually obstruct.

    • puipui

      This is all true, and you make a great point, but I trust in Hillary Clinton’s ability to both negotiate with lunatics to get shit done and also cut a bitch if they try to block that shit from getting done. She will figure something out.

      I’m hoping to god that the Senate goes blue, and I will phonebank and knock on doors and donate and whatever to make that happen, but if it doesn’t, Hillary is resourceful, and I think she’ll figure something out.

  • BMW

    Would this Sane Donald Trump have switched all his positions on abortion, gun control, and his opinion of the Clintons to make himself more palatable to Republican Primary voters? Would Sane Donald Trump have called for a Muslim ban, a Muslim registry, or said we need to build a wall along the Mexican border? Would Sane Donald Trump have spent the entire election cycle calling his opponents names as a substitute for highlighting policy differences? Would Sane Donald Trump, with his ignorance of government operations and dozens of skeletons in his closet, have even tried to run for president? And, most of all, would Republican primary voters have even voted for a Sane Donald Trump?

    The answer to all of these questions is “No.”

    • nastymagyar

      Sane DT would have stayed a Democrat

    • Regret

      Sane Donald Trump would have never been popular and/or rich.

      Insanity is his brand.

  • Joshua Norton

    Dame Pegatha calling to Manuel to bring her the typewriting machine. She must compose a few bon mots this afternoon.
    .
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0320b2da848097fd9e7dfff4bf933fa3e46ba70ac08d23ed8ea223e2aef01659.jpg

    • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

      The Madwoman of Chaillot? Or a sane Dame Peggy?

      • The Wanderer

        Miss Haversham’s let herself go.

  • mardam422

    What if Hitler had liked jelly beans, like the sainted Ronnie she so missed? Lo! Perchance the entire history of the world could have been altered for the better! Surely such fruity chewiness could have parlayed his power and personality into a finer, more genteel man. Without a doubt Europe would have followed eagerly, world leaders joining with the Fuhrer in song and dance at Berchtesgaden.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Hitler loved dogs. See, there’s something positive about him!

  • Snark Tank, Bad Hombre

    One million upfists for the “Ulysses,” Evan.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Was the boorish Donald Trump rubbing off on her genteel spirit?

    If he hasn’t, it’s about the only female thing left in this world that he HASN’T rubbed off on.

    • kev

      remember when ‘rub off on’ meant to impart good qualities from one to another? as in: ‘Annie, you’re starting to rub off on me!’

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Sane Donald Trump all walk into a classy strip club…

    • JustDon’tSayHombre

      In Corinth?

      • phoenix00

        Two Corinth

    • kev

      you could at least provide the name/address of the club!

  • puipui

    “Manuel! MANUEL! I must finish this column today, Manuel! QUICKLY! BRING ME ANOTHER GALLON OF GIN!”

    • kev

      and a clean IV, STAT!

  • samrockton

    I’ll have what she’s having.

  • proudgrampa

    This is more than gin.

    I think she’s been using laudanum…

    • It is irresponsible not to speculate.

    • Rick Hill

      Ether binge

      • cmd

        Curious George story.

  • Allen Jordan

    Man those edibles have a long flashback time…

  • Iam Reading

    She gets paid for this?

    • berkeleyfarm

      Surprisingly, yes.

  • GHERKINS OF TRUTH!

    “Sane” Donald Trump gently fondles one’s vagina, with consent.

    • Truly Madly Derply

      And mine just flinched.

      • JustDon’tSayHombre

        The visual I got of that made me laugh. Sorry, that was probably rude.

        • kev

          rude, maybe, but l felt it, too. a man-kegel.

  • berkeleyfarm

    I checked back in after my shower and took a look at my comment notifications.

    The one I made on the new “Nasty Woman” merch thread was “We go high!”

    Looks like Peggington did as well … in a different way.

    • The Wanderer

      We “go” high. Peggy “gets” high. That mixture of Geneva and mescaline isn’t a felicitous combination.

  • OddMan

    Yeah Dame Noonington, like my sweet mom used to say;
    If fishes were wishes, we’d be up to our asses in basses.

  • Truly Madly Derply

    Probably been said already, but “Wishful Drinking,” Pegster?
    Reminds me of the time my Norwegian ex-mother-in-law told me that “If he vasn’t an alcoholic Bjorn (the ex) would be da better parent.” Mmmkay.

  • puipui

    Also, I call bullshit. She’s complaining about his presentation, not the actual views and actions that make him so truly and frighteningly bonkers.

    She doesn’t want Sane Trump; she wants Polite Trump. There’s a big difference there.

  • Mavenmaven

    Sane Donald Trump exists in the same reality as trickle down economy and the benefits of tax cuts for the rich.

  • Whollyholeyholy

    What just happened there? If you take the crazy out of Donald you have nothing left but humidity.

    • JustDon’tSayHombre

      And about 3 pounds of spray-tan

      • James Christopher Owen

        Donald’s HeadWeasel: What the fuck am I, chopped liver?!

        • JustDon’tSayHombre

          I’m gonna go with …possibly?

        • kev

          delicatessen fact: chopped liver can be eaten — headweasel must be burned (with votes)!

    • kev

      if you take out the ‘crazy’, you’re still left with the ‘bat-shit’.

  • chascates

    What if the Republican base had been sane?

    • Alan

      We would have taken an entirely different course beginning about 1980.

      • kev

        “We”? I want this man reported!

  • GHERKINS OF TRUTH!

    WTF. “Come into my tent. It’s a new one, I admit, but it’s yuge and has gold faucets and there’s a place just for you.”

    Imaginary Sane Donald Trump doesn’t even sound sane. She can’t even imagine a single sane policy position.

    Imagine! A sane Peggy Noonan!
    Sane Peggy Noonan would have said “Fllrrrp dweedle! Ferret testicle soup! This stovepipe hat is making my tongue longer than Abe Lincoln Ford Cadillac have you seen my baseball? ITS FROM THE FUTURE AND WE WILL TURN TO REGULARIZING THE SITUATION OF EVERYONE HERE!”

    And it would have made as much sense as this “Sane Trump” shit.

    • JustDon’tSayHombre

      That’s some good gibberish right there.

    • azeyote

      if either one of them tried to lure me into a tent – i’d run Forrest run –

    • Left Coast Tom

      Imagine a sober Peggy Noonan. But I contradict myself…

  • Sister Artemis

    Swirling ’round and ’round in Imagination Land, the hologram of Donald Trump merged with Jesus Christ and also Tony from West Side Story, and Peggy didn’t know where this hallucination was taking her, but she liked it. My father’s house has many rooms! There’s a place for us! Somewhere! Someday! WE’LL FIND A NEW WAY OF LIVING! WE’LL FIND A WAY OF FORGIVING! SOME-WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!

    All the upfists!

    [also, too: why is this not the anthem of every gay pride march ever?]

    • FlownOver

      ?When you’re a nut you’re a nut all the way…

      • therblig

        from your first pinot noir to your last chardonnay

      • kev

        some times you feel like a nut. sometimes you don’t.

  • azeyote

    asking for a sane donald is like asking for a sober peggy –

  • Kooolest G

    hey peggy, there was a “sane” trump in the race, actually there were like 16 of them, and they all lost to “crazy” trump in the primaries, maybe you should wistfully imagine a sane republican base first and go from there

    • James Christopher Owen

      Just goes to show you how sane/crazy is not so much a dichotomy as a sliding scale.

  • DougW659

    The part of the logic they always miss….. always…. is that a ‘sane’ Trump, a ‘decent’ Trump, an ‘inclusive, big-tent’ Trump would have never left the Democratic Party. He’d have no problem releasing his taxes because he WOULD have paid taxes, and ACTUALLY would have given millions to charity…. If that sane, decent populist had existed, he wouldn’t be beating Hillary by ‘a landslide’ in this election…. he’d be beating Ted Cruz or Jeb!

  • Mezzaluna

    Evan, you do a good Dame Noonan. Thanks!

  • Alan
    • James Christopher Owen

      Not this guy.

  • James Christopher Owen

    So basically, Peggers wanking to fantasies of welcoming Donald’s sweaty, nouveau-rich vulgarian shortfinger into her cobweb-spangled patrician parlor. ‘Cuz, Manuel fantasies not yielding the same “oomph” in her ladybits these days.

    • mfp

      eww

  • whitroth

    We could make Trumpolini a shining citizen. First, we bronze him, yes, I mean *him*, then we chrome plate him….

  • Bill Reich

    I have said it before, and it bears repeating: Peggy Noonan is the Orson Welles of vodka.

    • whitroth

      Well, um, no. My late ex was. (And let me assure you, warm watered apple juice and vodka in the morning tastes *dreadful*.)

      • glennisw

        shudder

  • CATMAN

    I thought it was just the booze, but I think Miss Peggy is dipping into the hallucinogens lately, evidenced by this fantasy–just imagine what a sane Mussolini would have done for Italy

    • thixotropic jerk

      Why, a sane Hitler not only would have made better fashion choices (those blasé brown shirts! Hideous!) but who knows maybe even came up with a “not totally final solution”!

  • kev

    so, she’s hoping for Ulysses, yes?

  • M Dubs

    So… Peggy Noonan wants Trump to grow the conservative tent by catering and pandering to other voting blocks.

    Isn’t this exactly why Republicans hate Hillary? Doesn’t this undercut the entire premise of Trump’s campaign – that he’s not a politician?

    • Left Coast Tom

      It also undercuts the premise of Trump’s “campaign” wherein growing the tent is sad, because the tent becomes filled with murderers and rapists…I’m sure some may be good people.

  • shaar dula

    loved it!!! hopefully Evan is burning the midnight oil to write on the side.

  • “Sober Plegggy Noonington for WSJ columnist” said no lover of unintentionally funny rich asshole comedy ever.

  • shaar dula

    sorry peggy. i for one, under no circumstances, want to be anywhere within 10 feet of trump’s tent, much less “come into it”.

  • CatDog

    if the TV funhouse that is his brain met the Victorian drawing room that is her mind … I have no idea what would happen (I was sure I could get a punchline out of this :()

  • mfp

    what in the everlovin fuck is she writing?…manuel…i think it’s finally time to call the good dr. freud

    btw, evan– you’ve outdone yourself this time…thankyou bigly

  • BeachBum

    I just lost what little respect I had left for the WSJ. I was already pissed about their “Beat the Market Tips.”

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Dearies, my readers, sane Trump could have saved us. Even my presumably legal houseboy, Manuel, so says.

    And non-alcoholic gin would spared me that flat-on-my-face collapse. Ah dear, ah me!

    Fortunately, Manuel knows how to use a spatula to scrape my right cheek off the linoleum. Hi, ho!

  • Weevie

    This and her day job as Marissa Mayer has her sooooo confused!

  • malsperanza

    I dream of a great meeting of the minds between The Nooner and The Dowd. Preferably in Kazakhstan.

    • Odd Jørgensen

      With pistols at noon?

    • Marion in Savannah

      What? Is Somalia too humid this time of year?

  • Shoto

    Bravo!

  • mailman27

    “…moral and practical underpinnings… on refugees from terror nations…” “Terror nations?” Are you fucking kidding me? I refuse to believe that this hosebag is getting paid for this pap.

  • phoenix00

    > “That I not act, toward women, like a pig? Done, and I accept your critique. That I explain the moral and practical underpinnings of my stand on refugees from terror nations? I’d be happy to. My well-hidden secret is that I love everyone and hear the common rhythm of their beating hearts.”

    Wait a min, isn’t this the definition of a Democrat?

  • TheBoatDude

    Maybe it was too many refreshing adult beverages I had last night, but Noonies piece read like a sort of republican version of “The Matchstick Girl” to me…

  • Vagandarian the Librarian!

    Methinks the Dame has been riding the Trump Fantasyland ride too long…..

  • Nasty_ahughes798_woman

    Evan, you do this so damn well that I feel like somehow…..you’re inside her head. Bravo!

  • zak44

    “He’s not a grizzled general who bears on his face the scars of a British sword…”
    Who the hell is DPN talking about? Is there a current candidate who fought in the War of 1812 that we don’t know of?

  • Evan, that _Ulysses_ mic-check was lovely.

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