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Lesbian and/or baby-killer

According to the Heritage Foundation’s (LOL) “digital-first, multimedia news platform,” The Daily Signal, if the Supreme Court crams gay-marriage down our throats, as it is totally gonna do in June, that will make even more women do abortions. FACT. Gene Schaerr, a lawyer and former law clerk to Justice Antonin Scalia, has all the numbers and charts, and also the Netherlands, to prove it:

In a nutshell: A reduction in the opposite-sex marriage rate means an increase in the percentage of women who are unmarried and who, according to all available data, have much higher abortion rates than married women. And based on past experience, institutionalizing same-sex marriage poses an enormous risk of reduced opposite-sex marriage rates.

Whoa, our heads are spinning from that deductive reasoning. But Schaerr has looked at this stuff, lawyer style, and when you look at it the way he does (drunk, we think?), it is just so obvious. See, in the Netherlands, and in Spain (there is a graph, you cannot argue with a graph), fewer women got married after those nations adopted “genderless marriage.”

A "chart" with "numbers"

It is a terrific graph, in that it demonstrates that “3.2” is like 10 percent of “5,” and also “random numbers.” So, clearly, once women were allowed the right to marry a man or a woman, they decided not to marry anyone and instead get knocked up and then kill their babies, because women are fickle like that.

Is there a graph that shows the correlation between the rise of lesbian marriages leading to the rise of fewer marriages leading to the rise of abortion rates? No. But in the United States, “married women do not abort children at the same rates as cohabitating women or women living singly.” And look! Math!

Calculating the total number of abortions over an unmarried woman’s childbearing years by averaging this rate over her assumed 30-year fertility period, unmarried women would average 0.87 abortions over their lifetimes, while married women would average 0.18 abortions.

It’s math, don’t you see? MATH! And dividing leaves by applesauce gives you 5.2.

Accordingly, with 1.275 million additional women never getting married, nearly 900,000 more children of the next generation would be aborted as a result of their mothers never marrying. This is equal to the entire population of the cities of Sacramento and Atlanta combined.

Don’t you see? The Venn Diagram of women who would be able to exercise their constitutional right to marry each other, and women who fuck men and end up with unwanted pregnancies, is actually a perfect circle. And that is why the Supreme Court must not permit gaysexuals to do that.

In short, forcing states to convert the traditional gendered marriage institution into a genderless institution will very likely reduce man-woman marriages by undermining some of the norms that encourage heterosexual couples to marry, which will in turn increase the number of unmarried women and, hence, the number of children aborted.

Hence! Thereon! Ergo! WORDS! It is indisputable! More marriage means less marriage, and that causes straight women to murder their unborned children. Don’t even try to argue with that infallible logic. So please, pretty please, Supreme Court, don’t do that to America. Don’t “subject a states’ citizens to that risk, against their will.” Save the straight marriages from single-lady abortions, or the babies from the gay weddings, or the gay whales, we are not sure what this gentleman is on about really. Before it’s too late.

[The Daily Signal]

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  • Villago Delenda Est

    The stupid. It burns, and it comes from the Heritage Foundation.

    To make sure the numbers pan out, they’re going to ban all contraception, too.

  • Lizzietish81
  • Nounverb911

    “in that it demonstrates that “3.2” is like 10 percent of “5,” and also “random numbers.”
    So the answer is still 42?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=aboZctrHfK8#t=73

  • FlownOver

    Sacramento and Atlanta are going to disappear?!?!? Stop the presses!!!1!1!

    [Sorry… forgot the Interwebz has already stopped all the presses forever.]

    Afterthought – won’t this severely fuck up the just-begun Tall Sportsball playoffs?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      I can’t wait until Sacramento is aborted!
      I’ll just plan to be out of town that day.
      My commute will be AWESOME after Gay Marriage! THANK YOU HERITAGE FOUNDATION SCIENCERS!

      • david green

        But wait! Like the other guy, my pension check comes out of Sacramento. So I hope you are the guy who processes the checks otherwise I’m in big trouble.

  • Anarchy Pony

    WON’T SOMEBODY PPLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?

    • Guest
  • elviouslyqueer

    What. the. ACTUAL. fuck. did I just read?

  • m3bosha

    I haz a confuse. Does this mean I can or cannot get my big gay abortion? It was on the agenda.

  • CapnFatback

    I can’t tell which is smaller: the size of the sample or the brains of the samplers.

    • Nounverb911

      AOT,K

    • Land Shark

      don’t forget their peen length.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    I realize being a scientist my take is suspect, but the trend from year -5 to +5 is pretty much linear – which suggests that legalizing same sex marriage had no effect whatsoever.

    • david green

      Egghead communist!

  • chicken thief

    Since when did we real American True Patriots give a fuck about Spain or the Netherlands? Commie cocksucker countries, amiright?

  • gomerel

    What crappola. I haz and haz had many gay and lesbian friends, and most iz gaga about kids.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Logically and ergo, lezbeens do not get knocked up accidentally, therefore and QEfuckingD less abortionisms.

      • Sandra Doherty

        Don’t start making sense. Just confuses the issue.

  • elviouslyqueer

    This report is what we in academe lovingly refer to as “polishing a turd and presenting it as research.”

    • YourMom

      The Chinese have a saying: “shit of donkey” it refers to the turd being all smooth and shiny on the outside, but it’s still really just shit. (they use it when talking about new cars or other goods or ideas that are just too good to be true.)

  • Swampgas_Man

    Brain hurt.

  • MrBlobfish
  • dslindc

    I can’t be drunk enough for that argument to make sense.

    • sosuume

      Toke it up. Might make more sense… Well no. Not really.

      • Zippy

        there’s not enough pot on the planet for that to happen

    • MrBlobfish

      This is a job for Angel Dust

  • schmannity

    25% unemployment among 18 to 25 year olds in Spain probably has nothing to do with it.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Do NOT be bringing the logic. You will just confuse them.

  • JustPixelz

    1% of social scientists say this so it must be true.

    • SullivanSt

      Did our Wonket not tell us about how scientific evidence works like homeopathy – the fewer scientists agree about a thing, the more likely it is to be troo, or sumfink?

  • JMPesq

    Hey idiots, the number of children aborted is zero, because a fetus is not a child. Get that through your sick skulls, OK?

    • Blank Ron

      Hmmph, again with the facts, complicating the issue.

  • chicken thief

    I think they should have factored in the conversion from fried fatty foods to more nutritious baked or grilled lean meats also too. I mean, that’s what caused the outbreak of gay in the first place, isn’t it?

    • Vecciojohn

      I blame that well-known tranny Michelle Obama.

  • dslindc

    Fortunately, the Heritage Foundation is quite nearby to the Supreme Court, so the gay marriage cramming will be quick and forceful in June.

  • MrBlobfish

    The married women were single at one time. Does the pie chart tell us if they had their .8 abortions first or does that factor into what we are already shown. I mean, they weren’t always married.
    Or were they!!?!?!??

    • JMPesq

      Well if a woman is still single at the ripe old age of 25, then she’s far too old to be marriage material anymore and doomed to be alone forever – at least, in the mind of these regressive dipshits who are still living in the1850s.

  • JustPixelz

    I call bullshit! This anti-gay-marriage story says nothing about bestiality. Obviously fake.

    • MrBlobfish

      It’s assumed along with incest duh.

      • Zippy

        especially if your sister is a cow

    • Vecciojohn

      The first rule of Bestiality Club is . . .

      • Virginia Dreaming

        Invite Huckabee and Santorum?

        • Vecciojohn

          Oh, yeah, of course, I forgot.

          The second rule of Beatiality Club is . . .

          • Toomush_Infer

            Oh, sure – from Best to Beat – ISWYDT!….

          • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

            Don’t tell ’em the address…

  • Brewerofbeers

    Damn lesbians… getting married to each other, sleeping with men and getting abortions..

    • Lizzietish81

      It’s worse actually.

      They marry each other, then go to get IVF from donor sperm and THEN abort the fetus.

      • MrBlobfish

        So needlessly complicated, it has to be true.

      • Biff52

        David Crosby, history’s greatest monster.

      • Brewerofbeers

        It is an expensive hobby, but you just can’t put a price on that kind of joy and happiness.

        • Lizzietish81

          Of course if they want to keep the baby, then they go over to the Adoption Center where good Christian Virgins are impregnated by a gay man using a turkey baster.

  • Vecciojohn

    You can scoff, but since Oregon legalized gay marriage last year the lines at the abortionplex in my neighborhood are around the block.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      That is because they started offering free hot buttered popcorn with each abortion. You know how addictive buttery popcorn is.

      • Vecciojohn

        They hand it out with the “I killed my baby!” bumper sticker.

      • Zippy

        that’s not butter…

        • Virginia Dreaming

          Thanks for that image!

    • Nounverb911

      So that’s why the line of cars at the first Chick-Kil-A to open in Washington has had lines so long they were blocking the I-405 and surrounding neighborhood?

      • Boscoe

        Yet there is still no scientific explanation for why the Krispy Kremes around here had lines around the block the first week they opened, but are all out of business now.

  • dslindc

    I haz a graph, also too

  • Virginia Dreaming

    Some of the Kennedy assassination conspiracy theories are more logical than this load of crap.

    • Blank Ron

      Just some?

  • OneYieldRegular

    But where are the figures showing how many fewer Bibles and guns will be owned if gay marriage is allowed to pass?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Ssssh! That’s in next week’s report. SPOILER ALERT.

    • Duh. 900,000 babies not born mean 900,000 fewer gun owners and Bible thumpers. Ipso fact ergo sum abracadabra alakazam.

  • I gotta hand it to the fine folks at the Heritage Foundations: they are masters at the game of Math Libs.

    • MrBlobfish

      More like Meth Libs

      • Nounverb911

        Bristol Meth?

    • Zippy

      Math fibs, also too

  • Zippy

    I’m reserving judgment until I see this graphed against the declining number of pirates vs. global warming

    • MrBlobfish

      Now would be a good time to go back and get your BA in Piracy. With more of the Earth’s surface being covered in water and more people forced to live in houseboats, the opportunities to pillage and plunder are only going to rise.

      • mailman27

        Buy stock in planks.

        • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

          And rum. Lots of rum…

          • david green

            Not a bad idea even if the seas don’t rise.

      • TheBidenator

        So you’re saying my business selling trained shoulder parrots is going to take off any day now? Oh thank Spaghetti, I was worried my only chance for success would be if John Cleese showed up and I had a video camera nearby…..

      • Toomush_Infer

        Or just have lunch at Aghrrrbies….

      • Blank Ron
      • cyninoregon

        Astonishingly more logical a position than all of the bs the Heritage “expert” conceived (maybe he ought to abort his ideas?).

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Global warming leads to rising sea levels which leads to more pirates. Haven’t you been reading the Journal of Pirate Science lately?

      • MrBlobfish

        Avast, I be not a scientist. Arrr. 97% o’ pirates agree.

        • Blank Ron

          Shut yer gob and reef that line! There be a Disney cruise ship off the starboard bow!

    • vivian

      Not to mention the inverse correlation between the advent of Pilates and the decline in number of Pirates. Kinda makes ya think, dun nit.

  • Has anyone tried tying the lack of a single-payer health care system to the number of abortions out there?

    I know, I know, if they really gave a damn about the number of abortions they’d also support honest, comprehensive sex education in schools and better birth control access for everyone.

    • jmk

      Your optimism is adorable.

    • YourMom

      Which might explain The Netherlands’ lower abortion rate than ours.

    • cyninoregon

      Actually, abortions went down during the Clinton years, and the reason that came out was that fewer women were opting for abortion because they had the optimism that they would have the money to pay for ( a or another) child–healthcare both for the pregnancy and for the baby, care for the child, from feeding, clothing, housing and educating to support from the government with things like leave, assistance, and childcare, and were not worried as much about what the future would hold, what could happen if they had a special needs child or the child or they became ill.

      I think I remember them saying women felt more secure with the decision to carry a pregnancy to term during Democratic Presidency than during Republican Presidencies because the talk about “self-sufficiency” and cutting social programs scares women and families (the myth that women having abortiona are all single is just that–a myth. Many families feel they cannot afford another child because they can barely feed the ones they have.)

      Anyway, it appeared all the talk about reducing the abortion rate had never reduced the number of abortions. Instead, the abortion rate is reduced by social programs to help women who need it, AND the confidence such programs would continue to be available if the pregnany went wrong, or if the woman or her family suffered economic losses, illnesses, etc. Women have less abortions when they feel safe. Safe they won’t end up homeless and/or unable to care for the baby or any children she already has. Optimistic about the future, her own future, the futures of her family. Not anything these hateful, spiteful, judgemental, controlling, obsessed men ever consider.

  • Mavenmaven

    Certainly same sex relationships somehow lead to more unwanted pregnancies, obviously, somehow.

    • nmmagyar

      Because, according to many, many, many straight pornos – the lesbian couple always invites the pizza man in for a threesome.

      • TheBidenator

        Stop trampling on my dreams! :throws pizza warmer in the trash:

      • cyninoregon

        I only watched one porn in my life, but THAT was exactly what happened in it! So it must be true.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    I may use this as example of bad statistics in the statistics class I teach tonight.

    • Blank Ron

      Let us know how many of your students already believe it’s true?

  • snapman

    it doesn’t have to make sense! It just has to look like it does for folks who want to believe the premise and link to the article without actually reading it.

  • TrufflePig58

    Sorry, but you’ve got cause and effect all mixed up. It’s not the lady-lovin’ ladies, it’s all about the men (as usual). See, if men find out that boning a man is a viable alternative to marryin’ a lady, they’ll stop with the marryin’. Then all the ladies who could have had wonderful marriages to closeted gay men will have to struggle with the other straight ladies for the few, the proud, the straight. THAT’S when they get to the abortin’. Straight guys be all like “nah, mang, why should I marry this cow when I can bone any old cow I want to and not even use a rubber ’cause I’m in such high demand as a cow-fucker”. (see, Santorum was right too).

    (uh, that went a wee bit off the rails. Sorry. Need coffee)

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Yes, Santorum is the original and chief cow fucker!

      • Zippy

        Mike Huckabee libul!!11

        • Virginia Dreaming

          I thought Huckabee was the original and chief Santorum fucker. Maybe I have it backwards though.

      • chicken thief

        TRUE UNREQUITED CANINE LOVE LIBELZ!11!!!! Chad Cockran was the cow fucker, no?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Law of Unintended Consecuents…

  • Callyson

    See, in the Netherlands, and in Spain (there is a graph, you cannot argue with a graph), fewer women got married after those nations adopted “genderless marriage.”

    Fewer women entering into a loveless shotgun marriage is bad now?

    https://themidnightalliance.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/nope.gif

  • Wonkaholic

    My mom had 0.87 of an abortion once, so my little brother was born without a body (just a head). He prayed and he prayed for God to make him whole and one day, poof!, he grew a body. The very next day he keeled over dead.

    The moral of the story is: he should have quit while he was a head.

    • Zippy

      if your mom had held out for .07 less of an abortion, she could have birthed a blah child

      • Toomush_Infer

        was that based on 3/5th?…

  • PubOption

    So, before Spain allowed gay marriage, only 5 people per thousand were marrying. Or am I misreading the graph?

  • Bitter Scribe

    …by undermining some of the norms that encourage heterosexual couples to marry…

    I thought the only way to undermine Norm was to sneak into Cheers and move his barstool.

    • Blank Ron

      It’s a little known fact that…
      – Cliff Clavin

  • ez

    Hey gizzened Hertiage thinkers

    • Toomush_Infer

      Sorry, I don’t know how this thing works…

  • Kakkeltje

    But…but…the Netherlands has an extremely low abortion rate. Even though abortion is totally legal and the insurance will pay for it.
    http://www.dutchdailynews.com/dutch-teen-pregnancy-rate-among-lowest-in-the-world/

    Oh wait…sorry… facts. Who needs stupid liberal facts!!11!!

    • chicken thief

      That’s cause they weren’t founded by Jesus like the US was so they are prolly just buttsecking each other all the time.

      That and just giving each other free shit from the gubmint all the time because COMMIES!

    • Kakkeltje

      Hey, I just looked it up. The abortion rate in the Netherlands is about half of that of the USA. Maybe I should email these people? They appear to be extremely worried.
      No doubt they will be very relieved to hear there is no reason for concern.

      They may even send me a thank-you note!

      • cyninoregon

        You can’t believe those communists. I bet you went to colledge? Where they suck your brains out as if through a straw….make you believe in Karl Marx and Lenin and liberal propaganda instead of Jesus. Don’t you know you can’t trust your mind once you go to colledge? They will help you and tell you how to live your life, how to give them your money, and how to vote and make your wife vote, too, if you will give your life to them–er, to Jesus. Yea. That’s the ticket.

  • one_who_wanders

    As a former teacher of research methods in the Social Sciences I’d like to say this: I am a better lawyer than he is a social scientist. The number of problems with this “research’ are enough to fuel a Graduate Seminar.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The IMPORTANT thing here is to assign some numbers to a graph to reach a foregone conclusion that is ideologically correct.

      Some guy named Lysenko had this shit down pat in the mid 20th century.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      And then burn it to the ground…

  • Zippy
    • MrBlobfish

      I’d like to subscribe to your newsletter.

      • Zippy
        • Anarchy Pony

          Holy shit!

        • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

          I’m looking for a home-wrecker in a blue bonnet.

          • Zippy

            aren’t we all?

          • Toomush_Infer

            I’m just looking for an Indian girl with her knees showing…

          • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

            I’m sure you know this fun trick

          • FauxAntocles

            But what’s the gun for?

          • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

            Didn’t even notice! I was looking for a gif, but only found videos, and all the others were over 5 minutes long.

          • malsperanza

            When I was six, I thought that was hilarious.

            Well, … actually, I still have one of those taped on my refrigerator.

        • FauxAntocles

          I KNEW there was something wrong with margarine!

          • Vecciojohn

            Yeah, but what the hell is wrong with Maine?

          • Suttree

            Sweet babby jeebus! Have you ever been to Maine?! Everything outside of Portland is inbred potato fuckers. I feel terrible for the poor Somalis in Lewiston. Not because they aren’t better off but they have to deal with these fuckers.

          • Left Coast Tom

            You mean aside from the taste?

        • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

          It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature…

  • FauxAntocles

    What we have here is a failure to demonstrate cause and effect.

    • ez

      spurious? Who sez?

      • Toomush_Infer

        Are you sure that’s not the stock market from 1910 to present?…

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Was a note left? If not, how many of those suicides might have been accidental deaths while going for that ultimate orgasm?

  • Boscoe

    I’m confused… if the average number of abortions per person is less than 1, which statistically means the same as ZERO unless women are having partial abortions, how does 1.2 million people have 900k abortions?

    • Liberals have litters.

      • Blank Ron

        We do? Damn, I should have tried harder.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Why do you hate America?

    • Suttree

      And I thought partial birth abortions were illeagle.

  • PsycWench

    not only does this make zero sense, but the trend in the graph above is magnified by anchoring the y axis at 3 instead of 0. I’d seriously count off for that.

    • Vecciojohn

      Ah, well, clearly then you are forgetting the first principles of Biblical Science. The y axis must always be anchored in the Lord.

      • Zippy

        and the X axis to Jeebus- because of that damn cross

        • Blank Ron

          It’s Bible Science™!

          • Vecciojohn

            Heretic! It’s Biblical Science and I am a self-certified practitioner and graduate of the Rand Paul Institute for Telling People Who Cross Me to STFU.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Reminds me of the “Christian” guy who said that we had nothing to worry about 2012 and Mayan numerology because Mayan numerology is not biblical.

          • Blank Ron

            I love guys like that. They do so enjoy their games of Dueling Mythologies.

    • cyninoregon

      I have no clue what that means but I saw the massive holes in logic/causation. On the other hand, the home schooled “folks” that see it will either love the chutzpah and creativity (because they believe disingormation is an art form to be lauded if it helps get their agendas passed or leaders elected), think they are seeing brilliant conservative theory (and they will get it if they pray on it hard enough), or not even know what those 2+ syllable words you used mean (Axis? Of Evil? Magnified? Anchoring? Are we nearsighted or going on a boat?) .

  • VileWhig

    Scalia hired this numbskull as a clerk?! Then again, I’ve never understood the claims that Fat Tony is brilliant.

    • cyninoregon

      Brilliant in the way of criminals like mafia chieftons and South American drug cartels of the past. He twisted logic in ways that were new and shocking. But now he’s just a bombastic old fart with a pedictable spew of bile and a penchant to believe he’s outside the law.

  • mailman27

    “And in conclusion; HEY LAAADY!!!”

    • Toomush_Infer

      Francophile!….

  • janecita

    Damn Liberals, always cramming gay marriage down our throats. Why can’t they cram Godivas and Dom Perignon instead? I hope that the big abortionplex that PPFA is building, will be completed in time for the big June decision. All those singletons are going to be needing their their monthly abortions!

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Also: Please don’t feed your dogs cocktail weenies. I did, and now there is historic drought in California.

    • bobbert

      Dammit! It was you?

  • Spotts1701

    You know those “soup cans” puzzles in video games? The ones where the solution has absolutely zero relationship to either the game’s own internal logic or reality as we know it?
    Yeah, reading this reminded me of those puzzles. Now I’m a little bit ragey.

  • Biff52

    I think we could safely abort Atlanta and Sacramento and not miss them much. Except my pension checks come from Sacramento, so never mind, maybe.

  • WagMoreBarkLess

    Applying the same inescapable logic, the Heritage Foundation has also determined that legalizing gay marriage will cause more of us to become Dutch.

    • nmmagyar

      Legal weed, prostitution and universal health care. After factoring in the fact that they still have a few islands in the Caribbean (I would die if I had to actually live somewhere as cold as Holland) I’m all for it!!!

      • Blank Ron

        Don’tcha just love how there’s that automatic assumption, that every place on the planet except *A*M*E*R*I*C*A* is some sort of nightmarish hellhole?

    • vivian

      Apparently it also states that the moment gay marriage is legalized we have to choose: dutch or butch. Or is it candy or gum, I forget. Anyway. I’m sure all those unmarried abortifying women are pissed that their marriage to a gay man fell through. Sounds like heartbreak to me.

    • SullivanSt

      I’m down with that, I’d like to be 4″ taller and have access to legal weed.

      • lesterthegiantape

        lol

    • UncommonCents

      Don’t forget their data also shows that annual rainfall, the phases of the moon and the color of Venus’ clouds will all be affected by gay marriage.

  • Biff52

    What does all this have to do with that “Single Ladies” song?

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      something about feminism

    • Toomush_Infer

      It’s understandable – because if no one has to, who is going to marry these ugly wingnuts and have wingnut children?…

  • jmk

    This idea achieves Palinesque levels of stupid.

  • TheBidenator

    Ah, the Heritage Foundation, the place that if you’re a wingnut and you need bullshit they’ve got your back. This one is pretty hilarious because it’s obviously a spurious conclusion but my all-time favorite was when Dubya was trying to privatize social security and in order to sell black people on it Heritage authored a paper arguing that social security rips black people off. Their reasoning? Black males only live to age 69, no not average age, LIFESPAN. The policy nerd in me still snickers at how much bullshit these wingnuts use to sell their awful policies like the one you see here…

    • cyninoregon

      That one did resonate a bit…I saw young black male musicians really angry about it. But the demon is not SS but reduced lifespans because of a lack of good medical care and healthy diets (I lived in downtown L.A. for several years, where there were far less full supermarkets, and food was old, wilted, bruised, much more expensive, just awful for way more money than the same chain of supermarkets just a few miles away in Sherman Oaks. My mom visited and freaked out over what was there compared to the SF Valley. I had a car, so I drove to buy good food every week, but most were not so lucky.Esp older men.)

      I guess the Wall Street crash fueled by criminals who got away with their crimes nipped privatiziation in the bud for a while?

      • TheBidenator

        Yeah, hopefully forever but they’ll wait until people forget about Wallstreet killing the economy and they’ll represent it while trying to pretend it’s a populist bill and everyone will make out like bandits. Yes, black folks unfortunately live shorter average life spans then white people, Asians and Hispanic people but the Heritage foundation and there are a number of factors why but Heritage doesn’t care. They just wanted to sell privatized social security to black people by pretending black people get a raw deal with social security and what was the center of it was complete bullshit numbers…

  • VirginiaLady

    This why the average family has 2.5 kids! They partially aborted half of one. It’s right there on the graph. Brilliant deducing!!

    • Suttree

      And that is why Rick Santorum fucks dogs. Q.E.D.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Every word this person wrote sounds like it was translated from Sanskrit to Mandarin using a blurry photograph of the Rosetta stone.

  • Jared James

    The Heritage Foundation actually hires no-kidding PhDs and lawyers to do this “research.”

    I guess their creativity was eaten up by coming up with unrelated things to correlate, rather than useful employment opportunities.

    • SullivanSt

      Hey, any fool can follow best practices. It takes a knowledgeable and creative mind to conceive such fraud.

      • Jared James

        I think you misspelled “mind” without the requisite irony-quotes.

      • cyninoregon

        Creative mind, yes. But not much sign of intelligence unless it’s of the criminal kind.

  • Me not sure

    If this guy and the Simpson Trial didn’t kill the legal profession then nothing will.

    • cyninoregon

      Imagine–this is the quality of thinking they must employ as Supreme Court clerks! That’s one of the highest levels to which a graduating law student can aspire. Does that mean all of the graduating law students with even half a brain opt out of working for Scalia? That may say something very good about today’s young lawyers.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Oh, Heritage Foundation – can we do things by statistics, now? Please?….

    • handyhippie65

      hey now, these people are professional cherry pickers. don’t you like pie?

      • Toomush_Infer

        Pi, the whole pi, and nothing but the pi….

  • vivian

    What is the correlation between Heritage, in-breeding, and failing to master 5th grade math skills, I wonder.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Abstinence is MURDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Angry_Cop

    The only math class I ever, truly loved was statistics.

    That graph is like a one-shot masterclass in how not to accurately present evidence on a graph.

    • Relativicus

      That’s funny, because I know a lot of mathemagician-types who were tortured silly — literally! — by Statistics.

    • SterWonk

      By contrast, Stats was one of the classes that led to me dropping out of college. :-P

      (On the other hand, I only officially dropped out when I had a job offer in hand, and I’ve been at that same company for over a decade now. So, it worked out okay.)

      • cyninoregon

        My uncle–who had his doctor of laws (LLD–it’s the highest law degree one can achieve) from Harvard, and the smartest man I ever met–gave me one piece of advice when I was starting college. “Don’t take statistics. Take anything else you must, but find a way out of statistics.” Good advice.

        • SterWonk

          Alas, it was required for a BS in CS. Hence, no BS for me. All puns intentional, of course. ;-)

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      And they really think nobody notices.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        None of the idiots of the DC Village would notice.

  • SullivanSt

    So of course, an obvious question when somebody splats a graph on a page with no context and indulges in the fallacy that correlation implies causation is what the context actually is.

    So I’m pretty damned sure that if you looked at a longer timescale for Spain you’d see that their start point is cherry picked specifically to make the trend pre-“change” look flat-to-up. They of course make anyone who cares do extra work by eliding the year of change. I don’t care enough. They also fail to mention that Spain’s adoption of genderless marriage was part of a wider change to marriage and divorce law.

    But perhaps most tellingly, they elide the fact that since 1970, the marriage rate across the whole of Europe has been pretty much uniformly declining, and quite rapidly: http://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php/File:Crude_marriage_and_divorce_rates,_EU-28,_1970%E2%80%932010_%28per_1_000_inhabitants%29_YB14.png

    So yeah, damned unlikely any analysis using proper controls would find any statistically significant correlation, and even if it did, it’s gross malpractice to assign all of the effect to one of many coincident changes.

    • SullivanSt

      Bah I just couldn’t help myself. Here’s a PDF with raw marriage rates for selected EU countries as long as the EU has been keeping them (there are many gaps). https://www.dropbox.com/s/2ja2sezkp6u740i/euromarriage.pdf?dl=0

      I would offer anyone who could use that graph to pick out the years of change for the Netherlands and Spain a rare fortune in whore diamonds, but Google exists so I’ll just save you all the effort: 2001 and 2005 respectively. Neither year looks particularly different from any other for either nation.

      • Paperless Tiger

        Just at a glance it seems to track the economic trend for the working class. Maybe if they let us make a buck we would think more in terms of settling down. Ya think?

        • SullivanSt

          Not sure it tracks as well for the European middle class – German unions are still pretty strong, for example.

          And of course he Heritage losers would invert the causality and claim that it’s because fewer people are getting married that the middle class is losing ground, which is of course such utter horsepoop it’s tough to order one’s thoughts again to rebut it.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      Distorting deskewing graphs has become a cottage industry on the Right. OK, a Mom’s basement industry…

  • Relativicus

    Uh, I was told there would be no math? (Haw, references!)

    Anyway, I’m thoroughly oppose to genderless marriage. Not so much because of some moral opposition, mind you. More of a “how the fuck can you have a marriage in which nobody has a gender” kind of way. But hey, if someone can explain it to me I am willing to move to a “I support it, but not to the point that I think it should exist”-type position.

    • SFRealness

      Hey, Pat & Pat deserve the right to marry just like anyone else!

      Besides, most marriages are sexless, so they may as well be genderless.

  • Candy Apple

    I had a Mormon Seminary teacher who firmly maintained that women in power caused men to go gay. He was a missionary in Britain during Thatcher’s era and he encountered some gay people there, so QED everyone, it is just science. I mention this because, obviously, putting Hillary in power is going to turn all the men gay, causing lesbians to abort and/or murder their children. So don’t vote for Hillary, it is just a slippery slope from there to gay child-killing, the end.

    • lesterthegiantape

      Ironically, pretty much all British men appear gay to Americans, so he may not even have had his demographics right.

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      I, for one, am looking forward to being emasculated & gay-made by Hillary’s power. I really need help selecting clothes.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      To be fair, the mental image of Margaret Thatcher naked would encourage just about any guy to opt for another guy as the smarter choice.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    It’s called Satisticks, MORANS!!!1,1!11,1!!!11,1!

    • sillyclucker

      OMG ! You are a MORMAN ! It’s called stastistix! Have I got to learn you everything?

  • RC

    does that mean, that all those ladies who aren’t getting married after gay marriage is okayed, would have in fact been marrying gay men, but can’t now because the men are all running off to marry other men? All in all I think I’d rather gay men married gay men and left the ladies out of it.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    This is what happens when you ask the The Ministry of Silly Walks to analyze your statistics.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Gene Schaerr just increased the inverse rate of aborted arguments holding any useful value, by a fractional magnitude of +1000%

  • malsperanza

    Republican math: instead of gathering data, analyzing it, and then drawing a conclusion, you start with a conclusion (Abortion = Gay Marriage) and reason backwards until you arrive at some data or other.

  • malsperanza

    “…Calculating the total number of abortions
    over an unmarried woman’s childbearing years by averaging this rate over
    her assumed 30-year fertility period…”

    Hm. Girls these days typically become fertile at around age 13 or 14, so I guess they all start with the sexying right away? So is he advocating child marriage? Or else he’s only talking about Mississippi?

    Meanwhile, average age of menopause in the US is 51, making the fertility period for most women 37+ years. Not that that’s a statistically meaningful difference, especially when all your statistics are full of shit to begin with.

    • david green

      I am sure this can be solved by the clear and precise application of logic – just as the Hobby Lobby case was solved logically. The Chief Justice is a genius.

    • Chris Bowen

      Girls have typically always became fertile at that age. It is current morality and wisdom that girls that age do not have the wisdom and knowledge to raise a kid at that age, as well as general pedophile laws that keeps them from children. You can look at medieval times to see fertility rates for young girls.

      • popular child zayn

        In the Middle Ages girls typically reached menarche later, around the age of 16. Marriages of very young girls were typical only of nobility as a form of alliance and were not consummated until the girl had reached childbearing years. The average age for marriage among the majority was in the late twenties. Instances such as Margaret Beaufort bearing her son at the age of thirteen were the exception and not the rule. So why don’t YOU look at medieval times in a book rather than your fevered imagination for once.

  • dimplasm

    Who is cramming what down my throat? Will I like it?

  • dshwa

    Republican math gives me as many headaches as republican science. All the headaches.

  • Teto85

    Where do they get all that derp?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s imported from the former Soviet Union.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    A certain percentage of those aborted fetuses, if allowed to come to term, would grow up to vote for Republican assholes, so I don’t see the problem.

  • Albert911emt

    Amazing how hatred can blind someone to the stupidity and obviousness of their arguments. Conservatives love to throw around the words “liberty”, “freedom”, “personal responsibility”, and yet none of them have access to a dictionary? Maybe they lack reading and comprehension skills….or maybe it’s just hatred. Yeah, that’s it.

  • MightyMoo

    I think they’re actually trying to use math and a Chewbacca defense strategy at the same time.

  • mtn_philosoph

    Yeah, that makes sense. *rolling eyes*

  • LJM

    And as we all know the answer to life, the universe, and every thing is 42.

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