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Ebony and Whitey, we're together in perfect harmony, side by side by my piano, negro, why can't we?Hillary/McCain supporters of the “sofa in the yard” variety have long dreamed of a magical trick to destroy Barack Obama’s candidacy — something that would transform the “post-racial candidate” into, of course, that thing racist whites are always dreaming of: racist blacks. The holy grail of this quest is a tape or video or some kind of recording that proves Michelle Obama is The (Black) Devil because she said “whitey,” which is a poisonous slur against whitey because it has kept whitey down for the whole 6,000 years of White Christian whitey’s existence.

The inability of American blacks to come up with a biting epithet for their White Oppressors is best illustrated in this uncomfortable sketch by Richard Pryor and Chevy Chase:


(Whole transcript here.)

Even a few years after the U.S. race riots, “whitey” was so dopey and unoffensive that it was Pryor’s counter to “negro,” which is just a word and not even a slur. The scarcity of loaded slurs against whitey eventually becomes the joke, as Pryor’s job-seeking character can only respond with variations of “honky” (“Honky Honky!”, “Dead Honky”) when Chase’s interviewer finally reaches the dreaded N-Word.

Anyway, there are all these convoluted myths about a video or audio recording of Michelle Obama saying “whitey.” The cast of characters rumored to join her in this video include Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan, Malcolm X and W.E. B. Du Bois. Many Hillary/RNC insiders have supposedly seen the damning video. And once it is released, which could happen any day now, although the RNC insiders hope it’s not until “November 1” and the Hillary white women obviously want it revealed tonight, Barack Obama will be finished! Curtains for him! No country like America is going to elect the husband of a colored lady who says something like “whitey,” which is possibly worse than wearing a paisley scarf while selling donuts & sugar-coffee to fat people.

Wonkette guest editor/Reason sellout Dave Weigel puts together a sort-of plausible narrative that still makes no sense, as he concludes, but it does feature another blogger’s semi-hilarious possible theory that would make this whole story much better, if true: Michelle Obama was recorded giving a statement about Bush being a loser, with her “Why’d he” do this or that to New Orleans, Iraq, etc., misheard by racist whites as “Whitey.”

And now Roger Stone has claimed, on Fox News, that the tape is more real than Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster combined. Regardless, the tape has stubbornly evaded capture by YouTube or Drudge Report.

“There Is A Tape With Michelle Obama Making Racist References” [Free Republic]

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  • econdave

    I’ve seen the video of Michelle reciting “Kill My Landlord.”

    C-I-L-L my landlord.

  • loquaciousmusic

    I’m sorry, but:

    No siren, no news.

  • Dave J.

    When Michelle Obama said “cracker,” she was really saying “…crack. Her…” and it was a speech about Tatum O’Neal’s recent troubles.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    Okay, great, but is there a nipple slip in there too? This whitey needs a bit more Michelle material.

  • SuperRounder

    Why not, Whitey has already ruined hip-hop, Dunkin’ Donuts, and “Fo’ Shizzle.”

  • ManchuCandidate

    Apparently, the words “why did he” sort of sounds like Whitey if you’re a bitter crazy white person who hates hope, sunshine and Jenny Craig.

  • loquaciousmusic

    A rat done bit my sister Nell.
    (with Whitey on the moon)
    Her face and arms began to swell.
    (and Whitey’s on the moon)
    I can’t pay no doctor bill.
    (but Whitey’s on the moon)
    Ten years from now I’ll be payin’ still.
    (while Whitey’s on the moon)
    The man jus’ upped my rent las’ night.
    (’cause Whitey’s on the moon)
    No hot water, no toilets, no lights.
    (but Whitey’s on the moon)
    I wonder why he’s uppi’ me?
    (’cause Whitey’s on the moon?)
    I wuz already payin’ ‘im fifty a week.
    (with Whitey on the moon)
    Taxes takin’ my whole damn check,
    Junkies makin’ me a nervous wreck,
    The price of food is goin’ up,
    An’ as if all that shit wuzn’t enough:
    A rat done bit my sister Nell.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    I looked it up. It’s not Michelle Obama saying “Kill Whitey,” it’s Wesley Willis. Evidently all black Chicagoans look the same to Republicans.

  • RaptorAvatar

    If we don’t see it by this time tomorrow, it doesn’t exist.

  • capitol-hillbilly

    i believe she was talking about Y.T. Bush, a distant cousin of the G.W.

  • Spence

    As a whitey, after some consideration, I must admit that I too deserve to be killed.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=3188]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Very happy to see you again. I was wondering when you would show up.

    @The Rest of You:

    I wonder how many times a politician has referred to a black person as “negro, nigger,” or HELL, how about “property.”

    and finally,

    [re=3181]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Awesome.

  • ronaldpagan

    I was talking about this whole thing last night on Gawker, but WHENNNN can the Repugs make up a lie to smear Obama with that doesn’t relate to his being half black?

    And yeah, the rumor is that it’s Michelle Obama’s speech about Bush, and she’s going “Why did he botch Katrina?” and things like that.

  • metropolitan

    i have to say i’ve always been a fan of “cracker”

  • metropolitan

    “jive turkey”?

  • loquaciousmusic
  • StrangelyBrown

    I have that tape. Here’s what she said:

    He’ll rip you off, he’ll take your money,
    make you work for free.
    Though you might scoff, it isn’t funny,
    he’s the devil, see.

    Kill Whitey

    Wait, maybe I’m getting it confused with a different tape…

  • ronaldpagan

    Remember when SNL used to have black people on it?

    Also, rumor has it the Obamas start the national anthem, “Ofay can you see…”

  • Pop Socket

    Because no naval aviator that served in the 1960s has ever said anything that could be remotely construed as racially insensitive. I know. I’ve watched Top Gun.

  • Mista Eko

    So can we call this The Republicans’ “Great Whitey Hope”?

  • Gopherit v2.0

    You know the rule…..if they say it, it must be true.

    And if whitey is the equivalent of “negro”, I can live with that.

  • bitchincamaro

    No probs. I’m quite sure Michelle was referring to this Whitey.

    http://www.geocities.com/alcus2/whiteyinthesoup.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    Last time I checked, the guy she’s talking about is on the FBI’s most-wanted list”

    http://www.fbi.gov/wanted/topten/fugitives/bulger.htm

  • Gopherit v2.0

    And whitey’s totally worse than cunt. totally.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    And to think for all these years I have been paying black woment to call me whitey…, and do other things.

    I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see,
    I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see.
    When I kill all the whities I see, then whitey he won’t bother me,
    I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see.
    Then I’ll get a white woman who’s wearing a navy blue sweater

  • loquaciousmusic

    [re=3239]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: I like the picture of Whitey with the mustache.

  • From The Bridge

    I wish michelle would call me whitey! or anything at all, really. Oh this is dupontd, I couldn’t log in and decided to change my name. Is there a way to add friends again like before?

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=3223]ronaldpagan[/re]: What’s the problem? They still have Fred Armisen.

  • gjdodger

    Michelle called white people “Whitey”? For the first time, I’m proud of America.

  • ElectricZen

    I have a videotape of Michelle Obama killing Nicole Simpson.

  • floraway

    I’m sorry, but how would the republicans get this tape? It isn’t on youtube. It isn’t on Trinity’s website. Where did they get it? And why hasn’t it been leaked? Doesn’t exist.

    But I would like Michelle more if there was a video of her railing against whitey.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=3240]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Cunt is patriotic, because John McWalnuts said it. You always forget that Michelle is a black-muslim terrorist.

  • Tawmn

    [re=3193]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Wow. I’m changing teams if Michelle looks like Wesley Willis.

  • ReelectTilden

    It was a mistake — she was actually referring to “white T’s”, as in white T-shirts. Of course, this is worse, since bitter gun-havers wear these as outerwear, especially in the sleeveless variety.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=3265]Tawmn[/re]: Yeah, but can Larry Craig tell the difference?

    I’d pay for a headbutt from Mrs. Obama. Rock on, Chicago.

  • ronaldpagan

    [re=3271]ReelectTilden[/re]:

    I got a barbecue stain on my white T-shirt
    She was killin’ me in that miniskirt

    (This is how Hillary will open tomorrow’s speech.)

  • badco/LoJ

    I think it was a reference to “White Tee” by Dem Franchise Boyz.

  • Gopherit v2.0

    Looks like someone released the tape. No wonder Free Republic is peeing their cheeto stained panties.

    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a7fde48976

  • edgydrifter

    For the record, she was talking about pitching great Whitey Ford. Yeah, she’s a huge fan of mid-century NY baseball. She keeps her grandmother’s ashes on the fireplace mantle in Casey Stengel’s brass spitoon.

  • Sortofexpat

    Whitey put us in a rack?

  • tunamelt

    She just really likes the Plain White Tee’s emo song “Hey There Delilah.”

  • AxmxZ

    Obama should start his first State of the Union address with “My fellow whiteys, nigras, and assorted coloreds. Whazzaaaaaaaap!”

  • 1ofUS

    Obama said just yesterday that Clinton is a great assette, which is negro for “white-assed woman.” Is that doesn’t sink his ship, Hillary’s loose lips will suck all the water out of the tub.

  • masterdebater

    Just to be serious for a second, wasn’t the whole notion of race discredited by anthropologists, many years ago? As for the “whitey” thing, I had an albino friend in school, and even HE didn’t mind being called that…that I know of, since that is what he told people to call him when they were introduced. Of course, he may have just had a sense of humor. Hard to say.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …my opinion is it DOESN’T EXIST! Because if it did it would have already came out by now. In the very least they would have leaked it to a much more widely circulated publication and not some back channel bloggers. If anyone could have gotten their hands on something like this, it is Hillary and Bill Clinton. And I have absolutely no doubt that she would have used if could find it. Secondly the republicans wouldn’t have allowed themselves to lose 3 congressional/senate seats just to hold off for November. Especially since those seat were in Republican strongholds and they are really hurting politically. If existed it would have been a perfect 1-2 punch after the Rev. Wright debacle. I think they will use the specter of this “Secret Tape” to make white/Hillary voter uneasy with Obama hopefully siphoning some votes in the south.

  • 1ofUS

    Shit. If that doesn’t sink his ship…

  • FlakJack

    The truth of it is, Michelle Obama is a huge Cubs fan. On the tape in question, made in the mid-1980s, she was decrying the success of the rival St. Louis Cardinals, led by manager Whitey Herzog. If you read the full transcript, you can see how her words are being taken out of context:

    “If the Cardinals win another World Series this year, I’ve got half a mind to go down to St. Louis and KILL WHITEY Herzog myself. Every time the Cubs lose, I get so depressed that I EAT ALL THE CRACKERS in the house while listening to a nice FUCKING HONKY tonk album, as that is my favorite genre of music. Same thing would’ve happened last night, but in the 6th inning the TV went BLACK; POWER was out all over my neighborhood.”

  • Tra

    I really love how the screaming lunatics whose main problem is “We don’t like the black people” keep turning that into “Look, look! The black people don’t like us!.

  • gurukalehuru

    Those are Whitey’s cookies! Those are Whitey’s cookies!

  • Canuckledragger

    I don’t understand Michelle losing her shit over one of Wally Cleaver’s most innocuous friends. Now, if she had chosen to wail on Eddie Haskell or Lumpy Rutherford, I would fully understand it, as they deserve all the shit she can fling their way.

    But, really…. poor little misunderstood Whitey?

    I may have to reassess my stand on the Obama candidacy.

  • edgydrifter

    [re=3294]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: That’s the beauty of it all–the tape doesn’t have to exist. In fact, it’s even better if the tape doesn’t exist, because the insinuation that Michelle has said things… terrible things… about whites / jews / latinos / the elderly / the retarded / Mother Teresa / Ronald Reagan / whomever is completely unassailable. You can’t prove she never said those things, ergo she totally did.

  • jagorev

    Has anyone else heard about the video on Youtube of Larry Johnson fellating an 8-year old while wearing a Nazi armband? Quick, let’s start a chain email!

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=3348]Canuckledragger[/re]: http://archives.cnn.com/2002/ALLPOLITICS/12/09/lott.comment/

    http://www.snopes.com/politics/quotes/barbara2.asp

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/16/hillary-clinton-on-workin_n_97017.html

    Remember in ’95 when Hillary was talking to Bill about southern whites and she said “screw ’em.” Ahh, good times.

  • Gopherit v2.0

    [re=3350]edgydrifter[/re]: Sure, but that’s what’s to be expected from the wife of a crack-smoking, commie, terrorist muslim!
    At least, that’s what I heard.

  • LB

    How you’d write it:

    Why did Bush cut folks off medicaid?
    Why did Bush let New Orleans drown?
    Why did Bush do nothing about Jena?
    Why did Bush put us in Iraq for no reason?

    How you’d say it:

    Why’d he cut folks off medicaid?
    Why’d he let New Orleans drown?
    Why’d he do nothing about Jena?
    Why’d he put us in Iraq for no reason?

    How Larry Johnson (Clinton supporter) and GOP wants you to hear it:

    Whitie cut folks off medicaid?
    Whitie let New Orleans drown?
    Whitie do nothing about Jena?
    Whitie put us in Iraq for no reason?

    I rest my case here. Sleep well everyone.

  • tunamelt

    [re=3351]jagorev[/re]: I’ve always wondered… who starts these? How do they get them to spread? It must be easier than the clap.

  • Tawmn

    [re=3274]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: yeah… or a butt-butt. Seriously though… Wesley is the MAN.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    White Men of the World Unite!

    Throw off the chains of your black oppressors!

    Together, we can end the centuries of tyranny that have prevented whites from achieving high levels of success!

    Together, we can work to a point where being born white in this country doesn’t make you a second class citizen!

    Together, we can dream of the day where a white man can run his own business, go to any college, and, with God’s help, some day, be President of the United States.

  • problemwithcaring

    So – I am getting from this that “whitey” isn’t ok to say?

  • El Bombastico

    [re=3280]edgydrifter[/re]: To be fair, she might also be talking about “Whitey Whackers”, the delicious pretzel treat served at Springfield Isotopes games.

  • loquaciousmusic

    Learn to love me
    Stop counting the days
    Now, today, tomorrow and always
    I won’t drop out now, no I’ll never leave
    I won’t drop out now, so stop telling me, telling me

    White voters of the world
    Unite and take over
    White voters of the world
    Hand it over, hand it over, hand it over…

    TO HILLZ 08!

  • kulbreez

    off topic, but wouldn’t it be swell to see Michelle kick Chuck Norris’ ass in a cage match?

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=3392]problemwithcaring[/re]:

    It is all right between white people. Me and my friends are constantly saying stuff like “Whitey, please,” and “Who’s your Whitey,” and “Boy, are you a stupid ass whitey.” But if a black person were to say that to me, it would just remind me of all the years of oppression I have suffered.

  • Tits_LaRue

    [re=3320]Tra[/re]: “…screaming lunatics whose main problem is “We don’t like the black people” keep turning that into “Look, look! The black people don’t like us!”

    It’s like a riddle blowing a conundrum sucking on an enigma, a racist-tard daisychain, if you will…

  • Ken Layne

    [re=3279]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Oh christ, never saw that before. Eddie Murphy … the whitey editors here at Wonkette were all watching Eddie Murphy’s version of Bill Cosby the other day. So awesome.

    [re=3454]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Exactly. When I’m rapping or whatever, and say something like, “Oh hello whitey how are you doing,” I am cold expressin’ what is happening on the white street, in the white ‘hoods … I mean, not “white hoods,” so much, anymore. But you know what I mean.

    I just don’t want black people around me, because they’re so racist.

  • AudicityofHope

    John Fogerty of Credence Clearwater Revival is racist.

    “…There’s a white bathroom on the right…”

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=3476]Ken Layne[/re]:

    Can a whitey get a break?

  • loquaciousmusic

    I hear that Crayola is changing the name of their “brown” crayon to “Negro.”

  • Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    [re=3258]ElectricZen[/re]: nice

  • dougbob

    obama’s a negro?

  • Darehead

    Hobo Joe
    wrote on Jun 2, 2008 5:32 PM:
    ” RUN HILLARY RUN, YOY’VE COME A LONG WAY BABY, DON’T QUIT NOW.

    You got a raw deal from the media with their continually slamming you, while giving your Muslim opponent a virtual free ride.
    Speaking of bad bloggers, here’s what one’s got ta say:

    http://www.rapidcityjournal.com/articles/2008/06/02/news/top/doc48444bf7a6546997876897.txt?show_comments=true#commentdiv

    Hobo Joe
    wrote on Jun 2, 2008 5:32 PM:
    “Obama slammed Bush for making remarks in his Gnesset speech about appeasers during WWII, claiming they were directed at him, and said he shouldn’t speak of domestic politics on an international level; while all the while he was using his Muslim Hamas buddies in a Phone Bank in Gaza to call American voters to back his candidacy. If this isn’t playing domestic politics on an international level, I don’t know what it is.

    RUN HILLARY RUN, DON’T GIVE THIS MUSLIM A CHANCE TO STEAL THE NOMINATION.

    NOBAMA IN NOVEMBER MEANS: NO NEW TAXES, NO TURNING THE UNITED STATES OVER TO MUSLIM RULE, NO FLAG WITH A CRESCENT & SCIMITAR FLYING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE, AND ABOVE ALL NO RACIST WHITEY HATER AS FIRST LADY. “

  • eatsshootsleaves

    God, this is a vast white conspiracy. You know, the thing that really puts this beyond the point of credibility is that Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan, and Michelle Obama apparently had a public meeting to decide what to do about the whitey problem. You’d think that would have made news or something. On the other hand, Michelle Obama is an anagram for “Label: Imam Echo,” so there are valid points on each side.

  • Darehead

    Big oops on the presentation up there. Was supposed to begin with my intro, which was this line:

    “Speaking of bad bloggers……..”

    followed by the bad blogger ranting about Hussein and anti-whitey Michelle.

  • Lobelia

    Why’d he?? Don’t they enunciate at Princeton?

  • Audacity of yep

    [re=3486]AudicityofHope[/re]: There’s a bathroom, only whites.

  • JSDC007

    You just know that Michelle terrorized those eating clubs at Princeton by saying “I aint eating with whitey.”

    Even today, Thad Burlington III and his best buddy, Brad Thurlington II cry silent tears of shame and discriminatory hurt into their Pimms cups.

  • Baiowulf

    Michelle, like most Urban Blacks, is a big fan of Hip Hop Sensation Everlast and his hit 1998 record “Whitey Ford Sings the Blues,” featuring such memorable jams as the pro-choice empathy ballad “What It’s Like” and the 80’s whigger anthem “Jump Around pt. 67: White People Can Jump, But Only When We Think We’re Dancing.” She was just namecheckin’ y’all; you try listening to Everlast on your ipod for hours and then you might know what it’s like to hold back your enthusiasm for his husky baritone, clean beats, and fonkay hooks.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    Thanks to the liberal media, I’m sure this will get more play on Fox News than the youtube video of Cindy McCain talking to John about her tax returns and her jewboy accountant.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=3554]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Heh. You said “liberal media.”

  • donner_froh

    [re=3223]ronaldpagan[/re]:
    Hell, I’m so old I can remember when SNL was funny.

  • donner_froh

    In the immortal words of Sly Stone:

    Don’t call me n*gger, whitey
    Don’t call me whitey, n*gger

    Don’t call me n*gger, whitey
    Don’t call me whitey, n*gger

    Well I was down, across the country
    And I heard two voices ring
    They were talkin’ angry to each other
    And neither other could change a thing

    Don’t call me n*gger, whitey
    Don’t call me whitey, n*gger…

    alternate spelling by me since there are some terms I can’t use ironically or snarkily. Or at all.

    It was a pretty amazing song a zillion years ago.

  • UndercoverBlackMan

    I’m hearing Barack might have another “video problem.” I talked to someone who has seen an Obama home video, and Obama’s younger daughter Natasha can clearly be heard saying she “doesn’t like Jews.”

    (However, as she’s holding a bottle of Welch’s at the time, Sasha might’ve actually said “juice.”)

  • Harvey Birdman

    loquaciousmusic, loquaciousmusic take a bow.

  • AudicityofHope

    [re=3546]Audacity of yep[/re]: I like your version better; however, I’ve got a problem with your screen name. It might become confusing for the other commenters.

  • Audacity of yep

    [re=3592]AudicityofHope[/re]: You insult the other commentizers.

  • AudicityofHope

    [re=3594]Audacity of yep[/re]: If that’s what it sounded like, than I apologize ’cause that wasn’t my intention. It’s just that there’s only room for one spoofed screen-name of Barry’s last book. Perhaps you can change it to “Dreams of Father Pfleger” or “Dreams of My Muslim Father”.

  • YT

    She was talking about one SPECIFIC whitey — Whitey DeLuca

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=3572]donner_froh[/re]:
    I loved that song when it came out. I’m pretty much older than everyone here and have no prob using either word, or any word, for that matter, use in prop context. I shall not be terrorized by language. Or dictionaries. Bullets scare me.

  • ronaldpagan

    [re=3565]donner_froh[/re]: NO! Tell us more about these bygone days!

    [re=3515]dougbob[/re]: A mulatto. And his daughters, as someone pointed out the other day, are reverse quadroons.

  • Quacker

    So, like, what would be the deal if’n Whitey Ford was still alive? Wouldna we gots to call him Blackie for to cool down da muzlimz???

  • Darehead

    If preznit, will Obama make tighty whiteys illegal?

  • econdave

    [re=3391]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: “For once the rich white man is in control.”

  • Deepthroat

    it was actually Momma Looka Boo Boo Day

  • The Neoskeptic

    best comment thread in weeks, whiteys!!1!

  • LibsAreBoring

    If she said it. Fine, it’s a free country. I just love watching liberals defend racism.

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