White House Forgot To Hire Babysitter For Trump's Christmas Vacation, Oh Sh*t!

This is bad. Very bad.

December 18. One week before Christmas. In a normal and just and sane world, the news cycle would be dying and we'd be decking the halls and trying to find dumb things to write about just to make YOU DINGBATS happy. (Christmas week in 2015 we wrote about an idiot rightwing Christian extremist named Bryan Fischer, who thinks dinosaurs in the Bible were really just VERY OLD GRANDMA BIBLE LIZARDS.) But alas, Barack Obama is no longer president, so the shitshow continues.

Donald Trump is, of course, about to head off on vacation, from his ... paid vacation in Washington. Basically he's just transferring his voluminous ass to a different gold-plated toilet so he can do his Twitter-shits in a sunnier climate. Regardless, Gabe Sherman reports that the White House is on edge, because OH SHIT, PRESIDENT TINKLE SMELLS WILL BE WITHOUT AN ADULT CHAPERONE FOR TWO WEEKS, THIS IS VERY, VERY BAD.

Donald Trump plans to head to Mar-a-Lago for a 16-day Christmas vacation starting Friday—and West Wing officials, remembering previous sojourns, are on edge at the prospect of the president spending two weeks unsupervised.

Know how Daniel Drezner always tweets that he'll believe Trump is really becoming president when his staff quits talking about him as if he's an unruly toddler? He tweeted it again about this story!

Everyone in the White House knows Trump is a couple Big Macs shy of a full king-sized bed full of Big Macs even when things are going well for him, and they also know nothing has really gone well for Trump since Russia voted to elect him president of the United States. But things are going PARTICULARLY BADLY for Trump right now. Literally everything he has ever touched is under investigation, his old lawyer is going to prison and has named him as an unindicted co-conspirator, Robert Mueller is probably coming for his family next ...

As the Robert Mueller loop tightens around the president, his erratic behavior is causing alarm among his most senior staff. "The staff is fed up he's acting like a nut. They can't get him to stop tweeting," a former official said.

OK, that's not new. Same dipshit, different day.

But Sherman is full of juicy details on President Sundowner and his failing administration. For instance, he was in a good mood at the White House Christmas party last night! Don Jr.'s rambunctious penis was there, and it brought Kimberly Guilfoyle, because they are co-participants in some sort of consensual heterosexual fucking partnership agreement! Ryan Zinke was there and Chris Christie was there and Diamond and Silk were there, and holy Jesus shit what an awful party that must've been.

On the subject of who's quitting, who's fired, and who secretly hates Trump (everybody), we learn from Sherman that former Fox News idiot Bill Shine, who has been White House comms director for approximately 12 minutes, is maybe starting to think about getting the fuck out of Dodge, if his apartment plans are any indication:

Communications Director Bill Shine has told friends that he's thinking about signing a month-to-month lease for his Washington apartment, according to a source. "Bill is very frustrated," a person familiar with his thinking said.

Everybody knows Trump's choice of Mick Mulvaney for chief of staff was a sad safety-school pick, for when literally everybody else tells you to fuck off. Sherman reports that Vanky 'n' Jared killed the idea of Trump hiring David Bossie, after Jared's favorite choice, Nick Ayers, unexpectedly and unceremoniously told Trump to fuck off. Mulvaney, who hates Trump and thinks he's an awful person, reportedly got the job because Jared was like "Hey, I guess ask that guy," since literally nobody else was interested in the position.

Sherman reports that Trump wants to fire everybody in the White House who loves departing chief of staff John Kelly, and that he's totally freaked out that once Kelly's moved all his shit out of his office, he'll start leaking like a common Donald Trump about everything he witnessed in the Trump White House.

According to a source, allies of Trump have told the president that Kelly could leak to reporters once he's out of the White House, and are pushing Trump to get Kelly to sign an additional non-disclosure agreement. "People are worried that Kelly will be out there dropping bombs," the source said.

Since Sherman didn't point this out, we will simply note that IT DOESN'T MATTER IF KELLY SIGNS FIFTY FUCKING NONDISCLOSURE AGREEMENTS, because all the experts have concluded that Trump's White House NDAs are, in lawyerly terms, totally fucking illegal . Executive Branch communications are not owned by Donald Fucking Trump, but rather by the American people.

We are just saying.

One more juicy piece of gossip from Sherman! Have you been following the story about the top-secret grand jury proceeding/witness fight in the Mueller investigation, the one that's so REDACTED they literally ban reporters from entire floors of federal courthouses when something happens with it? Yeah well somebody who went to some stupid fucking gross birthday party for some stupid fucking gross Republican that was held last night at stupid fucking gross Trump International Hotel in DC thinks the secret witness refusing to testify is Dipshit Donald Jr.

Or maybe it is just his rambunctious penis.

WHOA IF TRUE.

[ Vanity Fair ]

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