Oh noes, Secretary Clinton won’t be going on previously scheduled trips abroad this week, due to having her elbow amputated and replaced with a bionic joint that shoots laser beams and takes orders directly from the president, Dick Cheney. She needs to rest up and not shake hands with anybody, which means that attendees of international conferences in Trieste and Corfu will have to shake hands with two other jokers from the State Department instead. And THAT is how World War III will start tomorrow. [Washington Post]

Stocks may be up or down another 900 points right now, who knows — but they are very much down in general, like 35% down. And houses, they are worth nine dollars each, in KFC coupons, yet there are no takers. All the car manufacturers are shutting down, forever, and soon gasoline will be 45 cents a gallon again, and nobody will want some. Are Americans buying anything these days? Yes, they are buying millions of guns, for the coming race war. MORE »

You know how World War III (the real one) is pretty much starting, between Russia and the ex-Soviet country of Georgia, because the pro U.S. regime in Georgia thought, “Oh hey we are allies of the United States and we like NATO, so we will just go kick a little bit of ass over in this breakaway chunk that wants to be with their pals in Russia across the border,” and then Russia was all, “YOU FAIL WE KILL YOU ALL,” and Bush was playing grab-ass in China at the Olympics, and this is probably going to get uglier. But did you know George W. did his famous dancing in Tbilisi, the Georgian capital, just last year? MORE »

First they came for our jobs. Then they came for our jobs again. They came for our jobs several times after this. But now the Mexicans are coming for our White House BlackBerries. At a meeting of Canadian, Mexican and U.S. officials this week, a Mexican aide “pocketed” several BlackBerries belonging to the U.S. delegation. Two questions: (1) How did this aide illegally get into the country in the first place? (2) Why didn’t we elect Mitt Romney to stop this illegal behavior? MORE »

Nobody can believe how many voters are actually trying to vote, despite today’s primary being possibly the most insanely hyped primary election in the entire human history of elections, going back to Ancient Greece or wherever. According to stunned sources, the same New Hampshire authorities who made this nice wheelchair-pizza logo apparently forgot to print up enough ballots for the, uh, voters. There is a siren on Drudge, people! [ABC News]

In an interview Tuesday with the Philadelphia Inquirer’s editorial board, the UFO-abducted Rep. Dennis Kucinich suggested that Bush’s mental health be examined, like, for serious. The recommendation came in response to a Bush comment that Iran building nuclear weapons probs will start “World War III.” Quoth Kucinich in response, “I seriously believe we have to start asking questions about his mental health…. There’s something wrong. He does not seem to understand his words have real impact.” Some are calling Kucinich crazy, but, um, this is clearly the most logical campaign stance Kucinich has ever taken.

Kucinich: Time to question Bush’s mental health [Philadelphia Inquirer]

Hey Mexico, WTF? Today is supposed to be the magical day of Expecto Petraeus! And tomorrow’s the big 9/11 celebration, okay? What is with you people having some kind of Star Wars-esque rebellion attacking the gas pipelines and crazy semi-trucks full of dynamite blowing up on the highways and killing 34 people? MORE »

Northeast U.S. fiber-optic lines sabotaged by gunfire; Internet slows to a crawl. [Network News]

Several months or maybe even years ago, one of our civilization’s nightly televised beauty contests was held somewhere in Mexico, and the American contestant was even more comically challenged than the usual beauty queens, and she fell on her ass after mumbling some incorrect Spanish, and all the Mexicans laughed and laughed and booed the USA. MORE »

As millions of angry Mexican laborers cripple U.S. cities with massive pro-immigration protests — or not, because they’re too scared of being deported — white Americans are having a crucial debate about the tragic crisis in the comments of this New York Times’ blog we just found.

Here’s a sample; join us after the jump for much, much more:

WE MUST MAKE THESE IMMIGRANTS BECOME LEGAL AND ALSO LEARN ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND BE ABLE TO READ ROAD SIGNS BEFORE WE ALL GET KILLED. THIS IS TERRIBLE THAT THEY HAVE THEIR OWN WAY OF SPEAKING AND OF DOING THINGS IN OUR COUNTRY. Also, leave the dope in their country we don’t need it here

MORE »

Hooray for the freedom of the British sailors who were only following orders and trying to instigate war with Iran! And wow, this gang puts the “hot” back in … uh, “hot-stages.” We are pretty sure they weren’t doing boat patrol in those Justin Timberlake suits. A Wonkette Operative writes:

All of the male British sailors are groomed, dressed in finely tailored suits, and look unbelievably hot (except for the short guy in the middle who looks like a midget lesbian). And then … there’s Faye Turney, who is wearing a denim jumpsuit (as my friend calls them, “Canadian tuxedos”) and HORIZONTAL STRIPES. In ORANGE. She looks like the elderly Russian babushka house mother taking care of a bunch of hot male models who live together in Miami Beach.

Seriously. this may be lost on you guys, but to the gay community, these are the sexiest hostages EVER. Too bad that dumpy bitch is in the picture ruining today’s fantasy.

Who Got the British Sailors Released? [TIME]