Tag Archives: world war iii

  The Walking Dumb

Glenn Beck Knows Why The Walking Dead Is A Hit: It’s The End Of The World And We Know It

Glenn Beck and some of his fans
The shambling, dead-eyed masses lurched forward, drawn, some singly, some in groups, by some inexplicable impulse, to gather in herds of ravening, senseless hunger. They surged mindlessly without stopping, emitting guttural incoherent moans. Bereft of reason, they fed ravenously on the remnants of civilization, destroying everything in their path. It was August 28, 2010, and Glenn Beck’s “Restoring Honor” rally at the Lincoln Memorial was a huge success. Frankly, we like Wonkette’s descriptor for it better: “Glenn Beck’s Miraculous Slob Picnic” Read more on Glenn Beck Knows Why The Walking Dead Is A Hit: It’s The End Of The World And We Know It…
  Red Dawn II: How Tiresome

Hunt For Secret Russian Sub Captures Old Man Looking for Swedish Fish

Sweden is also famous for its meatballs
The first sign that Time magazine was pooping on the truth came on Oct. 22, when it reported that “Swedish intelligence had detected a distress call from somewhere in the Stockholm archipelago.” The legendary hotbed of native advertising went on to add, “The next day, two civilians reported spotting [Russian Nessie] in waters about 40 kilometers east of Stockholm.” Read more on Hunt For Secret Russian Sub Captures Old Man Looking for Swedish Fish…
  it's either him or john bolton

Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera

Oh, man, this is what happens when Donald Trump reads the liberal media! It just reaffirms all of his most terrifying fever-dreams. For instance, the New York Times reports that Barack Obama is implementing a policy of containment and saber-rattling against Iran, which is pretty much the same policy that George W. Bush engaged in (once he stopped listening to Cheney’s pleas for more carnage) and will almost certainly be the policy that President Romney would engage in (despite the fact that he has to promise to all the crazies while he’s running that he’ll kill as many Iranians as possible). But noted foreign policy expert Donald Trump knows that Obama’s motivations are different from Bush and Romney’s. They are focused entirely on winning the 2012 election, which is why we must start hugging the Iranian leadership in an act of peace and love and understanding right now, to prevent Obama from being re-elected in November. Read more on Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera…
  begun these clone wars have

Rand Paul Robot Caught By Brave TSA Body Scanner

Top honors will be given to a brave TSA Body Scanner machine at the Nashville airport for apprehending a sinister Dalek robot-monster that was impersonating Senator Rand Paul. The cylon version of Rand Paul triggered the radioactive Body Scanner because of some miniscule fabrication error in the android’s knee joints — the scanner apparently had not been programmed to recognize extraterrestrial polymers, which very well may have saved human civilization today. The otherwise uncannily disheveled replicant of Rand Paul began a commotion using several prerecorded Rand Paul soundbites about “liberty” and “fascism” and “health care,” but the Body Scanner identified the ruse because it has access to the Trilateral Commission’s complete Earth information database — including all of Rand Paul’s numbskull speeches and C-SPAN rants. Read more on Rand Paul Robot Caught By Brave TSA Body Scanner…
  it's morning in america

Nobody’s Bombing Anybody, At Least For Now

The U.S. has convinced its hotheaded friend Israel that it would take Iran a whole year to make a final push for a nuclear weapon, and that everyone would know about it a few weeks into that process; Obama’s top advisor on nuke stuff says “A year is a very long period of time.” Really, he says that! So now Israel probably isn’t going to up and bomb Iran anytime soon. Also, the Israelis and Palestinians are going to talk to each other again, and they’re totally 100 percent gonna work it out this time. Read more on Nobody’s Bombing Anybody, At Least For Now… Read more on Nobody’s Bombing Anybody, At Least For Now…
  double dog dares

John Bolton: Israel Isn’t Man Enough To Bomb Iran

Yeah, Israel talks a big game, going out drinking with its buddies at the Atlantic and boasting about its awesome plans to bomb the crap out of Iran’s nuclear facilities. But Bush-era U.N. ambassador and mustache grooming enthusiast John Bolton thinks it’s all talk. The way he sees it, Israel has only a few more days to start droppin’ bombs on Iran. And they don’t seem to be in any rush! What’s-a matter, are they chicken? Huh? CHICKEN? [chicken noises] Read more on John Bolton: Israel Isn’t Man Enough To Bomb Iran…
  also 'inexorable' does not work that way

HOORAY, WORLD WAR III IS CANCELLED POSTPONED: “In a July 25 story, The Associated Press reported that former CIA Director Michael Hayden told CNN’s ‘State of the Union’ that U.S. military action against Iran now ‘seems inexorable.’ A spokeswoman for Hayden responded that he made his reference to Iran’s push toward acquiring a nuclear program and not to military action.” [AP via Regret the Error] Read more on …
  it's morning in america

Rejected Pun Headlines: ‘Sorry Charlie,’ ‘Rangel Wrangles Ethics Charges,’ Etc.

Charlie Rangel is going on trial! Did you even know that Congress could put people on trial, for ethics violations? Well, they can, but they don’t usually, because most Congressfolk generally just say “Yeah, you caught me” and slink away in shame when the Ethics Committee points out their many moral failings. Not Charlie Rangel, though! He’s positive giddy at the prospect: “At long last, sunshine has pierced through this cloud that has been over my head for more than two years.” The last guy who had a trial like this in the house was Jim Traficant, and you remember how awesome that was. Read more on Rejected Pun Headlines: ‘Sorry Charlie,’ ‘Rangel Wrangles Ethics Charges,’ Etc…. Read more on Rejected Pun Headlines: ‘Sorry Charlie,’ ‘Rangel Wrangles Ethics Charges,’ Etc….
  it's morning in america

Hillbillies To Rescue America’s Unemployed

With handsome devil Carte Goodwin scheduled to be sworn in as Robert Byrd’s seat-warming replacement sometime today, Democrats (plus the reliable communist ladies from Maine) should be able to break the Republican filibuster and get that lucrative government money flowing to the unemployed again, huzzah! Plus they plan to spend the whole midterm campaigning telling the millions of jobless that John Boehner personally kept their checks in his office so that they couldn’t be mailed out. Read more on Hillbillies To Rescue America’s Unemployed… Read more on Hillbillies To Rescue America’s Unemployed…
  this week in elbow news

Clinton’s Elbow Sets Off Diplomatic Crisis

Oh noes, Secretary Clinton won’t be going on previously scheduled trips abroad this week, due to having her elbow amputated and replaced with a bionic joint that shoots laser beams and takes orders directly from the president, Dick Cheney. She needs to rest up and not shake hands with anybody, which means that attendees of international conferences in Trieste and Corfu will have to shake hands with two other jokers from the State Department instead. And THAT is how World War III will start tomorrow. [Washington Post] Read more on Clinton’s Elbow Sets Off Diplomatic Crisis…
  civil war

As America Collapses, Gun Sales Are Booming!

Stocks may be up or down another 900 points right now, who knows — but they are very much down in general, like 35% down. And houses, they are worth nine dollars each, in KFC coupons, yet there are no takers. All the car manufacturers are shutting down, forever, and soon gasoline will be 45 cents a gallon again, and nobody will want some. Are Americans buying anything these days? Yes, they are buying millions of guns, for the coming race war. Read more on As America Collapses, Gun Sales Are Booming!…
  youtube world

George W. Bush Also Danced In Tbilisi, Georgia!

You know how World War III (the real one) is pretty much starting, between Russia and the ex-Soviet country of Georgia, because the pro U.S. regime in Georgia thought, “Oh hey we are allies of the United States and we like NATO, so we will just go kick a little bit of ass over in this breakaway chunk that wants to be with their pals in Russia across the border,” and then Russia was all, “YOU FAIL WE KILL YOU ALL,” and Bush was playing grab-ass in China at the Olympics, and this is probably going to get uglier. But did you know George W. did his famous dancing in Tbilisi, the Georgian capital, just last year? Read more on George W. Bush Also Danced In Tbilisi, Georgia!…
 

Mexicans Now Taking George W. Bush’s Blackberries

First they came for our jobs. Then they came for our jobs again. They came for our jobs several times after this. But now the Mexicans are coming for our White House BlackBerries. At a meeting of Canadian, Mexican and U.S. officials this week, a Mexican aide “pocketed” several BlackBerries belonging to the U.S. delegation. Two questions: (1) How did this aide illegally get into the country in the first place? (2) Why didn’t we elect Mitt Romney to stop this illegal behavior? Read more on Mexicans Now Taking George W. Bush’s Blackberries…
 

New Hampshire Shocker: Too Many Voters, Not Enough Ballots!

Nobody can believe how many voters are actually trying to vote, despite today’s primary being possibly the most insanely hyped primary election in the entire human history of elections, going back to Ancient Greece or wherever. According to stunned sources, the same New Hampshire authorities who made this nice wheelchair-pizza logo apparently forgot to print up enough ballots for the, uh, voters. There is a siren on Drudge, people! [ABC News] Read more on New Hampshire Shocker: Too Many Voters, Not Enough Ballots!…
 

Kucinich Questions Bush’s Mental Health

In an interview Tuesday with the Philadelphia Inquirer‘s editorial board, the UFO-abducted Rep. Dennis Kucinich suggested that Bush’s mental health be examined, like, for serious. The recommendation came in response to a Bush comment that Iran building nuclear weapons probs will start “World War III.” Quoth Kucinich in response, “I seriously believe we have to start asking questions about his mental health…. There’s something wrong. He does not seem to understand his words have real impact.” Some are calling Kucinich crazy, but, um, this is clearly the most logical campaign stance Kucinich has ever taken. Kucinich: Time to question Bush’s mental health [Philadelphia Inquirer] Read more on Kucinich Questions Bush’s Mental Health…
 

9/10 NEVER FORGET: World War III Has Apparently Started, In Mexico, And As Usual It’s About Oil

Hey Mexico, WTF? Today is supposed to be the magical day of Expecto Petraeus! And tomorrow’s the big 9/11 celebration, okay? What is with you people having some kind of Star Wars-esque rebellion attacking the gas pipelines and crazy semi-trucks full of dynamite blowing up on the highways and killing 34 people? Read more on 9/10 NEVER FORGET: World War III Has Apparently Started, In Mexico, And As Usual It’s About Oil…
 

Northeast U.S. fiber-optic lines sabotaged by gunfire; Internet slows to a crawl. [Network News]
 

World War III Briefly Delayed; Mexico Apologizes For Mocking Our Retarded Beauty Queen

Several months or maybe even years ago, one of our civilization’s nightly televised beauty contests was held somewhere in Mexico, and the American contestant was even more comically challenged than the usual beauty queens, and she fell on her ass after mumbling some incorrect Spanish, and all the Mexicans laughed and laughed and booed the USA. Read more on World War III Briefly Delayed; Mexico Apologizes For Mocking Our Retarded Beauty Queen…
 

Hey Mexicans, Leave Your Dope At Home, In Mexico!

As millions of angry Mexican laborers cripple U.S. cities with massive pro-immigration protests — or not, because they’re too scared of being deported — white Americans are having a crucial debate about the tragic crisis in the comments of this New York Times’ blog we just found. Here’s a sample; join us after the jump for much, much more: WE MUST MAKE THESE IMMIGRANTS BECOME LEGAL AND ALSO LEARN ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND BE ABLE TO READ ROAD SIGNS BEFORE WE ALL GET KILLED. THIS IS TERRIBLE THAT THEY HAVE THEIR OWN WAY OF SPEAKING AND OF DOING THINGS IN OUR COUNTRY. Also, leave the dope in their country we don’t need it here Read more on Hey Mexicans, Leave Your Dope At Home, In Mexico!…
 

13 Slick Dudes, 1 Midget Lesbian & 1 Babushka

Hooray for the freedom of the British sailors who were only following orders and trying to instigate war with Iran! And wow, this gang puts the “hot” back in … uh, “hot-stages.” We are pretty sure they weren’t doing boat patrol in those Justin Timberlake suits. A Wonkette Operative writes: Read more on 13 Slick Dudes, 1 Midget Lesbian & 1 Babushka…
 

Happy Good Friday! U.S. Attack On Iran Just One Day Away

We saw this story on Sunday and blew it off — those wacky Associated Press and Jerusalem Post reporters and their April Fools jokes! — but might as well post it now: The U.S. will start bombing Iran on Friday, “from 4 a.m. until 4 p.m. on April 6.” Hooray! Read more on Happy Good Friday! U.S. Attack On Iran Just One Day Away…
 

Terrifying Run-Up To WWIII Provides Opportunity For Dick Joke

So, uh, in case you thought that, what with the whole thing in Iraq not going so well and the Army and Marines caught in a death spiral of losses of men and equipment, maybe we wouldn’t be invading Iran … well, it turns out that we will, in fact, be invading Iran. Read more on Terrifying Run-Up To WWIII Provides Opportunity For Dick Joke…