Tag Archives: stand your ground

  Here have some news n stuff

Feminists Murder Patriarchy Again, For Ten Dollar Bill

That didn't take long
Make some celebratory sounds, ladies, because we did it! We killed the patriarchy! We’re getting so good at this, one day we might even have equal representation in government. One day. In a century, maybe. But for now, we get 10 bucks: Read more on Feminists Murder Patriarchy Again, For Ten Dollar Bill…
  this is why we can't have nice things

Send Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Mentally Ill Kentuckians: Your Florida Roundup

This story has Bearing Arms AND Baring Arms in it!
Greetings, Wonketeers, from America’s Sam’s Cola, a state so strange and wondrous that all kinds of people are just dying to move here, and then some of them die here, because they are old. One of our newest denizens is a man named Adam Horine, but for some strange reason he did not actually want to come here at all: Read more on Send Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Mentally Ill Kentuckians: Your Florida Roundup…
  Florida Men

Fellow Gun-Humper Who Shot At George Zimmerman Just ‘Standing His Ground,’ What A Surprise

A true work of naive American art and his painting
For the “Well, Of Course, It Had To Happen” files today, we learn the attorney for Matthew Apperson, the guy who shot at American Second Amendment hero George Zimmerman last month, is planning on using a “stand your ground” defense, since it’s Florida and everybody needs to stand their ground before the Atlantic Ocean swallows the whole state. Read more on Fellow Gun-Humper Who Shot At George Zimmerman Just ‘Standing His Ground,’ What A Surprise…
  Just what everyone needs

NRA: Know What Baltimore Needs? More Guns, So Everybody Can Stand Their Ground!

This would fix everything
With all of those people marching and looting and hip-hopping in the streets again, the National Rifle Association’s social media experts have teamed up with Still Dead Andrew Breitbart’s Cyber Tickle Fest For Insecure Neckbeards to tell America the HARD TRUTH about the rampant thuggery in Baltimore: Read more on NRA: Know What Baltimore Needs? More Guns, So Everybody Can Stand Their Ground!…
  Won't Someone PLEASE Think of George Zimmerman?

George Zimmerman: God Made Me Do It

Screengrabs are fair use, right? Yeah, pretty sure they are. We can always add a pony so it's parody.
Now that the Justice Department has declared George Zimmerman a swell human being who merely shot and killed Trayvon Martin but didn’t violate his civil rights, Mr. Zimmerman sat down for a spontaneous, not-at-all scripted-sounding interview with his divorce lawyer, Howard Iken, who apparently doesn’t just do divorces, but is also branching out into journalism. Watch out, Terry Gross, Howard Iken is gunning for your time slot! We’d embed the video, but that is Not Allowed; you can view the whole abomination here. Read more on George Zimmerman: God Made Me Do It…
  Florida's own human crime spree strikes again

George Zimmerman Goes With Wine Jug For Lady-Beating, For Variety

here I am in court again!
Do you wish you could read more words about George Zimmerman, Florida’s own human crime spree and killer of unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin? Has it been too long since you read one month ago about how Zimmerman thinks it would be a good idea for people like him (aka people who like to violence other people on the reg) to buy “self-defense” insurance? You are possibly thinking, “I wonder what George Zimmerman is up to these days, and if has stood his ground at anyone lately,” and if you are thinking that, then today is your lucky day. Read more on George Zimmerman Goes With Wine Jug For Lady-Beating, For Variety…
  Gun Radio: A Radio Show For Guns

George Zimmerman: Be Sure To Buy Your ‘Killing Unarmed Black Kids’ Insurance!

Ready for all comers
George Zimmerman has a lot of free time. His notoriety prevents him from seeking conventional employment, evidently, and he got fired from his last unpaid gig in that the owner of the gun shop he was lurking behind at night for security told him to stop it already. Plus there’s that price on his head. Read more on George Zimmerman: Be Sure To Buy Your ‘Killing Unarmed Black Kids’ Insurance!…
  Fuck This Shit

Marissa Alexander Officially Not Allowed To Stand Her Ground In Florida

We can't even come up with a funny alt tag right now, guys.
You remember Marissa Alexander, right? She was the Florida woman who fired warning shots at her abusive husband (and missed) during a domestic dispute and got 20 years for it. Fortunately, she got a new trial, and on Monday, justice was finally served. Unfortunately, as the piping-hot bowl of justice was being served, it was spilled in Marissa Alexander’s lap, and because this is Florida, she still has to pay for her meal. Read more on Marissa Alexander Officially Not Allowed To Stand Her Ground In Florida…
 

Missouri KKK Just Thrilled To Bits About Coming Ferguson Race War

DC stands with Ferguson
A Missouri-based affiliate of the Ku Klux Klan is circulating a clumsily designed flier vowing to “use lethal force as provided under Missouri Law to defend ourselves” from “terrorists masquerading as ‘peaceful protestors,'” reports Vice News. Here’s the “document”: Read more on Missouri KKK Just Thrilled To Bits About Coming Ferguson Race War…
  Bending Toward Justice

Oh How Sad, Michael Dunn Is Going To Prison For Life. Wait, Did We Say ‘Sad’?

Lucia McBath & her son, Jordan Davis (1995-20120
Michael Dunn, convicted last month for the murder of 17-year-old Jordan Davis, was sentenced today to life in prison with no chance of parole. Since prosecutors did not seek the death penalty in Dunn’s first-degree murder trial, the conviction carried a mandatory life sentence. Judge Russell Healey told the would be ground-stander: Read more on Oh How Sad, Michael Dunn Is Going To Prison For Life. Wait, Did We Say ‘Sad’?…
  nope no war on women here

South Carolina: Sorry Your Partner Beats You, Too Bad You Can’t Stand Your Ground

Put down that knife, little lady.
Hey there, South Carolina! How are you making life in your state feel like a Beckett play today? South Carolina is one of more than 20 states that has passed an expansive Stand Your Ground law authorizing individuals to use deadly force in self-defense […] Read more on South Carolina: Sorry Your Partner Beats You, Too Bad You Can’t Stand Your Ground…
  Justice in the first degree

Florida Jury Finally Finds Murderer Michael Dunn Guilty Of Murder

The guy on the right? He's the murderer
In November 2012, racist scumbag Michael Dunn killed 17-year-old Jordan Davis. Dunn claimed that Davis and his friends were rudely (read: blackly) playing their music too loud, and when he ever-so-politely asked them to turn it down a bit, the poor defenseless Dunn, who was armed, was scared for his life because BLACK and also he saw a gun, except that he did not because the only gun was his. Still, being afraid for his life because BLACK, he fired off 10 rounds into the SUV of unarmed teenagers, killing Davis, and then going to a motel with his girlfriend to eat some pizza, as one does after killing a black teenager. If one is a thug and a murderer. Read more on Florida Jury Finally Finds Murderer Michael Dunn Guilty Of Murder…
  Fingering the Perp

George Zimmerman Waving His Penis Substitute Around Again, Because It Is A Day

Don't make George Zimmerman ask you twice.
Well well well, look who else is hoppin’ aboard the “Do You Know Who I Am?” Express! First it was Sarah Palin, and now it’s Neighborhood Watch aspirant George Zimmerman. What do you s’pose Georgy Porgy is up to these days? Guarding more gun stores? Tweeting out Anne Frank quotes? Trying and failing to muzzle the free press? Nope, none of those things! Instead, Zimmerman is asking “Do you know who I am?” in connection to a road rage incident that was reported to 911. Josh ‘n the Gang at TPM have the deets. Read more on George Zimmerman Waving His Penis Substitute Around Again, Because It Is A Day…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Gun Nuts Refuse To Fondle Any Gun Smarter Than Them

Welcome friends, to the show that never ends: the insane rage of gun fondlers and their eternal hard-ons for the weaponry they must own and the anger bubble they live in as the eternal price of making sure no one ever, ever, ever, not ever even winks at a whisper of a hint that someone, somewhere might impose any kind of gun control restriction. Because that is the first step on the road to a world without guns, and then what will these ferret-blowing rage machines be upset about? Last week we told you about Belinda Padilla, a nice young executive for gun manufacturer Armatix. Padilla has been working hard to sell the company’s iP1, a so-called “smart gun” that can only be fired when the person firing it is wearing a microchip-embedded wristwatch that identifies him or her as the authorized user. The iP1 is the first of its kind to go on sale in the U.S. market and at $1,800 a pop, seems like more of an expensive novelty item than anything else. Still, the gun fondlers have reacted to its appearance as if Armatrix was a gypsy circus trying to steal children. Padilla had an agreement with Oak Tree Gun Club in Los Angeles to sell the iP1 and assorted other merchandise, only to see the deal disappear when Second Amendment lovers inundated Oak Tree with threats of boycotts and “vigilante-style” investigations. Last week an agreement with another gun store, Engage Armament of Rockville, MD., to sell the iP1 also went down the tubes after the sane, rational gun nuts — who love freedom, after all — threatened to burn down the store and kill owner Andy Raymond, his girlfriend and even his bulldog, Brutus. Raymond was so shaken by the whole experience that he made a video in which he alternately raged at the gun nuts for being such jerks and apologized for making a decision as a small business owner to try and sell a piece of merchandise. Read more on Gun Nuts Refuse To Fondle Any Gun Smarter Than Them…
  still not funny

You Should Listen To This Responsible Gun Owner Murder These Teenagers, Even Though You Do Not Want To

Yesterday, we introduced you to the hip new trend: luring teenagers into your garage and lying in wait for them to burgle, so you can shoot them! How can you be a good guy with a gun if the bad guys don’t come around, for you to shoot them! Oddly, the police and prosecutors in Montana and Minnesota arrested the good guys with guns, just because they they murdered a bunch of teenagers, even though it was in their own homes and “castle doctrine” blah blah blah. The police were like, you seem to have been a little too excited about the shooting people and ground-standing and maybe opening your garage door, putting a purse in front of it, and then BLAM BLAM BLAMMING a high school student was a little much, see? One of the cases resulted in a conviction Tuesday (heads-up to Gawker, dude isn’t on trial, he’s already guilty). That case was Byron Smith of Little Falls, Minnesota, who claimed self-defense after lying in wait for a neighbor girl he suspected of being involved in a rash of break-ins, with a tarp at the ready to protect his basement rec-room floor, and then shooting her and her friend very very dead. Now a judge has released the audio. Do you have to listen to it? Maybe you do not love hearing teens murdered. But we actually think it is important to bear witness to the lengths to which Responsible Gun Owners will go to have their murder cake and eat their self defense too. Read more on You Should Listen To This Responsible Gun Owner Murder These Teenagers, Even Though You Do Not Want To…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

These People Trapping And Shooting These Teenagers Are Not Very Nice, No, Not At All

The law is a grand thing, a collection of not merely statutes, but also precedents from previous cases, and when a legal innovation comes along, sometimes there have to be a few test cases to determine the boundaries of that new law. Do Nazis have the right to march in Skokie? (yes) Can ‘intelligent design’ be taught as science? (no) Just how black dangerous-seeming does someone have to be before it’s legal to shoot them on your property, and if you really really want to shoot a criminal, any criminal, can you lay out a trap to entice one onto your property? (undetermined) Thankfully, with a lot of states broadening the scope of what counts as “self defense,” several brave Responsible Gun Owners have taken to killing folks for the sake of finding out what kinds of homicide are justified. No applause necessary; these everyday Second Amendment Heroes just see it as their civic duty. Read more on These People Trapping And Shooting These Teenagers Are Not Very Nice, No, Not At All…
  stand your y-axis

Reuters’ Cool Upside-Down Chart Makes ‘Stand Your Ground’ Look Awesome

Now here’s an impressive-looking chart from Reuters that was all over the Twitterverse this weekend. Quick — after Florida adopted “Stand Your Ground” in 2005, did gun deaths increase or decrease? Well of course they decreased, says your brain, which learned to read charts in elementary school — look at that awesome downward slope in the numbers, because a line on a chart going down always indicates a decrease in something, which is why a slope like that in a New Yorker cartoon about Wall Street would be followed by a banker jumping out a window. And then of course you look at what the chart “actually” says, and notice that “zero” is at the top of the chart, and you realize gun deaths increased sharply — but by now the cartoon banker has gone splat (we can always get more off a desert island cartoon). Read more on Reuters’ Cool Upside-Down Chart Makes ‘Stand Your Ground’ Look Awesome…
  bill of rights shoot-out

Florida Lege Fixing ‘Stand Your Ground’ Law By Keeping Journalists From Reporting On It

The geniuses in the Florida Legislature are going to pass some important improvements to the state’s “Stand Your Ground” law. First off, they’re going to fix it so that you can fire a warning shot or wave a gun around for emphasis without any criminal penalty, because sometimes you don’t actually need deadly force (not that there’s anything wrong with deadly force, but you should have options). And another provision in that bill, passed by the House last Thursday, would also make it harder to report on such shootings by expunging the records in any case where charges are dropped because of a Stand Your Ground defense. For some reason, journalists think this is a bad idea. Probably because they don’t appreciate the important role that the Second Amendment has played in freedom of the press. It’s not like there are any other amendments. Read more on Florida Lege Fixing ‘Stand Your Ground’ Law By Keeping Journalists From Reporting On It…
  child killer available for your next event -- call now

Crowd Of Almost 20 Lines Up To Meet George Zimmerman At Florida Gun Show

Poor George Zimmerman is a victim once more, this time of a callous public that failed to turn out at a gun show to meet him and get his autograph. Don’t people understand that if George Zimmerman isn’t constantly applauded for his brave ground-standing, the spark of freedom will be extinguished and he might have to get a job? Read more on Crowd Of Almost 20 Lines Up To Meet George Zimmerman At Florida Gun Show…
  double standard your ground

Florida Woman In ‘Stand Your Ground’ Retrial Faces Late-Term Abortion Of Justice, Also 60 Years

Straight from our “You have GOT to be fucking kidding me” desk: Marissa Alexander, the Florida woman sentenced to 20 years in prison for firing three warning shots into the wall of her home while escaping from her (allegedly) abusive husband, is moving toward a new trial, so that is the good news, insofar as there is any good news in this insane case. This being Florida, of course, there is also a “however”: thanks to another ruling in a completely separate case, and the fact that she is not a white man shooting unarmed children, Alexander will now face triple the prison time — 60 years, not 20 — if she’s convicted. Let us unravel the whole sordid mess; we encourage you to drink and/or to remove any breakables from the immediate area. Read more on Florida Woman In ‘Stand Your Ground’ Retrial Faces Late-Term Abortion Of Justice, Also 60 Years…
  now how much would you pay?

The Cooch Will Sell You Shooting-An-Unarmed-Black-Boy Insurance In Case You Shoot An Unarmed Black Boy

It is pretty hard for a Second Amendment Patriot to live in this nation of jackbooted thugs grabbin’ our guns every time we accidentally shoot our drinking buddy to death, after already having domestic violenced our girlfriend, and shot at another drinking buddy but without accidentally killing him, oh and also we are blind. Oh wait, we forgot: in that case we get to keep our guns. But even so, that guy, who — we repeat — killed one man, beat the shit out of his girlfriend, shot 15 rounds at another dude, and GOT TO KEEP HIS GUNS, had to spend a lot of money on lawyers and stuff, and how is that even fair? Well Ken Cuccinelli, former Virginia attorney general and a gubernatorial candidate so bad he lost to Terry McAuliffe, has got himself an awesome little small business now, doin’ small business, creatin’ some jerbs (for Ken Cuccinelli), and that small business is being a lawyer who helps you get out of all your terrible gun-related crimes, that you did, with a gun. And he’s got a pretty sweet little way to help you plan ahead, for when you figure you might, accidentally, through no fault of your own, shoot and kill another human being, at a later date. It is so terribly important, like the queers in the Boy Scouts say, to Be Prepared. Read more on The Cooch Will Sell You Shooting-An-Unarmed-Black-Boy Insurance In Case You Shoot An Unarmed Black Boy…
  don't need to see your ground to stand it

Who Will Florida Blind Guy Who Killed Drinkin’ Buddy Kill Next?

A legally blind Florida man who shot a houseguest/drinking buddy to death during a fight in 2012, then was acquitted under the state’s “stand your ground” law, has won a lawsuit asking to have his guns returned to him. It is not known whether the guns suffered from having been away from their rightful owner. John Wayne Rogers, of Geneva, Florida, shot James DeWitt one fine morning after he, Dewitt, and Dewitt’s girlfriend got back from a beer run — Rogers told Dewitt to leave the house, Dewitt refused, so Rogers did what any reasonable person would do in the situation — he went and grabbed his rifle from his bedroom. When he returned, Dewitt charged him, and Rogers shot him dead. Under Florida law, that’s standing your ground, even though Rogers left and came back with a gun. There was no flag on the play, so Rogers got the first down, and DeWitt stayed that way. Read more on Who Will Florida Blind Guy Who Killed Drinkin’ Buddy Kill Next?…