Tag Archives: russia

  war

Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!

Nope.
Dignified and genteel Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Other Southern White Guys) announced today that he will be seeking to lose the presidential election to Hillary Clinton, and he has two messages for US Americans: 1. He is the toughest, most badassed dude in the race, and all the foreigns are terrified of him; and 2. He is The Moderate Candidate who will bring Americans together, after our eight-year nightmare with the divisive Kenyan Socialist Commie named B. Hussein Obama. Read more on Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!…
  he knows what Kids These Days are into

Gov. Scott Walker: Ultrasounds Are So Hella Cool They Should Be MANDATORY

He has ALL the confuse
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker does not understand why you libtards do not like the nice anti-abortion bill he signed in 2013. Recently, a federal judge smacked part of it down, saying that requiring abortion doctors to have admitting privileges at a nearby hospital is “unconstitutional,” like as if. Walker told wingnut radio host Dana Loesch he doesn’t understand why everybody isn’t excited about a different part of his totally baller law, the part that forces ladies who want abortions to have ultrasounds and hear descriptions of the fetus. (It looks like a fetus!) Why? Because ultrasounds are totally cool, bro: Read more on Gov. Scott Walker: Ultrasounds Are So Hella Cool They Should Be MANDATORY…
  I see England I see France I can see Russia from my house

Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice

Less charisma than a sleeping basset hound, and nowhere near as cute.
Despite the fact that presidential candidate Carly Fiorina (R-LOL) has explained that going places on airplanes — like that know-nothing Hillary Clinton, who used to be Secretary of State — is not the same thing as actual foreign policy experience, her likely rival for the nomination, Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin (R-Zzzzzzz), apparently is not paying attention, because he told Bob Schieffer on Face The Nation that he will be so much better of a president than Hillary Clinton, because the places he went to on airplanes are nice, and the places Hillary Clinton went to on airplanes suckity suck, and are also Benghazi: Read more on Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice…
  WALNUTS! studies abroad

John McCain Accidentally Joins Ukrainian Government, Bye John McCain!

He is very excited about his new job!
Hurray, John McCain finally gets to be president of something, and it is Ukraine! Oops that’s not right. John McCain has been appointed as a special presidential advisor in Ukraine, and either they forgot to tell him, or he applied for the job from a Craigslist ad and forgot all about it because OLD WALNUTS, but regardless, he never made sure it was allowed under Senate rules, so he may not get to become king of Ukraine after all: Read more on John McCain Accidentally Joins Ukrainian Government, Bye John McCain!…
  Reagan didn't die on the cross for this!

Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings

Look, Natasha! Is Taco Tuesday every week!
CNN reported Tuesday that Russian hackers broke into an unclassified White House computer system last fall, and while they didn’t break into any classified systems, they still “had access to sensitive information such as real-time non-public details of the president’s schedule,” which security expert people told CNN is “still highly sensitive and prized by foreign intelligence agencies[.]” What we really want to know, though, is whether the Russkies had access to scheduling advice given to President Obama by his astrologer. Read more on Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings…
  From The Latest Newsreels

Tom Cotton Dedicates First Senate Speech To Hitler

Any resemblances to an actual 9-year-old boy purely coincidental
Brand new Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has been a busy boy! After the rousing success of his dumb letter advising Iran that it shouldn’t bother negotiating a nuclear deal because President Ted Cruz is going to bomb them anyway, Sen. Cotton finally got to give his First Official Speech to the Senate Monday night. And in what appears to be a Republican tradition, he warned that it is the mid-1930s and America is woefully unprepared to fight Hitler. It was an especially impressive performance, since he actually managed to get the Hitler analogy into the speech within the first minute, which is believed to be a new record for a freshman senator (John McCain still holds the overall record, having shouted “It’s just like Chamberlain at Munich!” when awakened from a nap in 2013). Read more on Tom Cotton Dedicates First Senate Speech To Hitler…
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Preparing To Surrender Mother Russia To Scott Walker

Look closely at the fear in Vladimir's eyes.
Greetings of day to you, illiterate Western scum! I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, am happy to make speaking to you again here on Wonkette dot com! You have all recovered from watching of decadent movie award show, yes? Very political show this year, with talk of all the black men you have in prison and women you do not pay money to and such. Very embarrassing. At Russian Oscars, Mr. John Legend and Ms. Patricia Arquette would have been dragged out behind theater and been shot. Along with director who did not cut their microphones. Technicians who hooked up microphones. Cameramen who did not pan cameras away. Entire audience that applauded … you get picture. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Preparing To Surrender Mother Russia To Scott Walker…
  The Walking Dumb

Glenn Beck Knows Why The Walking Dead Is A Hit: It’s The End Of The World And We Know It

Glenn Beck and some of his fans
The shambling, dead-eyed masses lurched forward, drawn, some singly, some in groups, by some inexplicable impulse, to gather in herds of ravening, senseless hunger. They surged mindlessly without stopping, emitting guttural incoherent moans. Bereft of reason, they fed ravenously on the remnants of civilization, destroying everything in their path. It was August 28, 2010, and Glenn Beck’s “Restoring Honor” rally at the Lincoln Memorial was a huge success. Frankly, we like Wonkette’s descriptor for it better: “Glenn Beck’s Miraculous Slob Picnic” Read more on Glenn Beck Knows Why The Walking Dead Is A Hit: It’s The End Of The World And We Know It…
  Dumb and Duma

Homophobic Russian Politician Punked In Lesbian Selfie, Throws Giant Jerk Baby Tantrum

Milonov's the twit in the upper right. Not one of the ladies. Just to be clear.
Vitaly Milonov is a member of regional Parliament in St Petersburg — the Russian one, not the Florida one — and he does not like The Gays, not one little bit. Before the national government introduced its terrible law barring “gay propaganda,” Milonov had introduced a similar measure in his regional legislative body. So he’s a well-known face in the Russian anti-gay movement; we kind of hope maybe he has his own Santorum-like term on Russian Google. Read more on Homophobic Russian Politician Punked In Lesbian Selfie, Throws Giant Jerk Baby Tantrum…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: There Goes Sarah Knowin’ Stuff About Russia Again

After a content-heavy end to the year, the Sarah Palin Channel has regressed to the mean. She’s posted three videos in the last seven days, one of which was designed as a complement to her Faceplace screed on DogGate. And if we’re being perfectly honest with ourselves, Palin’s video about Jill Hadassah (yes, that is the dog’s actual name) is really cute and does exactly what it’s intended to do. Beware, Wonketeers, for Sarah Palin is improving in her ability to grift across multiple media channels, and she’s doing it with a widdle puppy with a cute widdle puppy face. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: There Goes Sarah Knowin’ Stuff About Russia Again…
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Just Big Teddy Bear Eating Honey Or Something, Who Even Knows Anymore

Let Vladimir help you relax.
“Sometimes I think that maybe it would be best if our bear just sat still. Maybe he should stop chasing pigs and boars around the taiga but start picking berries and eating honey. Maybe then he will be left alone. But no, he won’t be! Because someone will always try to chain him up. As soon as he’s chained they will tear out his teeth and claws. In this analogy, I am referring to the power of nuclear deterrence.” — Vladimir Putin in speech to journalists in Moscow on Dec. 18. Hello again, Zionist puppets of diseased American oligarchy! I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, wish to extend greetings of the season to you. It is beautiful time of year, when the West gorges on fruitcakes and candies while citizens make ostentatious gifts of useless trinkets and PlayStations. Christmas — it is fuel in engine to keep capitalism on road for another year. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Just Big Teddy Bear Eating Honey Or Something, Who Even Knows Anymore…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: American Wingnuts Sing Weird ‘Love Song For J. Alfred Putin’ (Video)

she has that 'This is so stupid I 'm delighted' smile again
On Thursday’s Rachel Maddow Show, we learned that Vladimir Putin is quite happy with how his life is going, telling the Russian press that, following his divorce earlier this year, “I have love in my life. I love and am loved.” Isn’t that sweet? And it turns out that he wasn’t even talking about the guys at Fox News who have such a stiffy for his manly, take-charge style of governance, which they wish our mom-jeans-wearing wimp of a president would learn from (because then they could really accuse him of tyranny). Maddow delighted her liberal-arts graduate audience by wondering at the right’s “strange love song for J. Alfred Putin.” They sure do love themselves some “Mmmm, Vladimir!” Read more on Morning Maddow: American Wingnuts Sing Weird ‘Love Song For J. Alfred Putin’ (Video)…
  humanum

Vatican Throws Festival Of Homophobia

  What you see above is not, despite all appearances, your freshman roomie’s botched and infected yin-yang tattoo, but a symbol of unity and celebration! It celebrates the matched sets of opposite-sexers who keep our planet from flying apart, according to the organizers of “Humanum: An International Interreligious Colloquium on the Complementarity of Man and Woman,” held this week at the Vatican. Read more on Vatican Throws Festival Of Homophobia…
  Maybe The Russians Are Just Breathing Hard

Hot New Worry: Russia Gonna Cold War Us All Over Again!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when Jack Davis illustrated everything, especially MAD magazine?
Now that we’ve beaten Ebola (not in the world, but in America, so we can go back to ignoring dying Africans) and fears of ISIS taking over our delis seem to be waning, we need another jolt straight to the amygdala’s fear centers. Retro almost always goes over well, so how about getting scared about Russia again? Read more on Hot New Worry: Russia Gonna Cold War Us All Over Again!!!!!!!!!!…
  Red Dawn II: How Tiresome

Is Putin Spreading Ebola? Sure Why Not

With Ebola now killing 0.000001% of Americans who might have otherwise died naturally from self-inflicted gunshot wounds, diabetes, car accidents or no-knock, wrong-condo SWAT raids, The Washington Post has bravely asked what you are already thinking deep within your sub-subconscious: Isn’t this Russia’s fault, somehow? Your intrepid Russia correspondent will now confirm what is plainly obvious. Read more on Is Putin Spreading Ebola? Sure Why Not…
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!

Psst! Mr. Riley Waggaman! How can you resist Vladimir?
Greetings, American stooge monkeys! It is I, your great friend President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, once again here to speak to you on the Wonkette! Now that you have correspondent in our Motherland, is only fair that Vladimir respond. Not to worry, Mr. Riley Waggaman! Though America is safe for you once again, now that Communist President Obama has, how you say, “taken care of” Mr. Andrew Breitbart, the Russian people welcome you stay long as you like. If you are sick-home and need American face, though, perhaps you and other honored Russian guest Mr. Edward Snowden can get together for light beers and racquetball. Please to contact glorious Russian security services — er, please excuse, I mean glorious Russian foreign national outreach agency –- to set up meeting. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!…