• Michelle Obama is the spokeswoman for the new and groovy United We Serve initiative. But consider this: first we were asked to “stand” united and now the government wants us to “serve” united? That’s a big leap there, going from just standing around to “cleaning up a neighborhood park”, united. Baby steps Michelle, baby steps. [The Caucus]
• What? Matt Taibbi has posted some sort of odd video from Russia, which he claims is very funny if you are like him and understand Russian. But wait, before you assume Taibbi is some sort of bilingual Tolstoy-reading Cossack genius: he posted the video at 1:02 a.m.! Yeah okay Matt, everyone speaks fluent Russian — when they’re drunk! This is so unlike you. [Matt Taibbi]
• Some poor immigrant family had their door kicked in at 4:00 a.m by a SWAT team, which then proceeded to handcuff all the teenage girls in the room. Whoops, wrong door! And then Montgomery County generously offered the distraught family “a couple of movies passes” as compensation. And then the ACLU laughed and laughed and laughed. And laughed. [Hit & Run]
• RedState has expensive-looking Venn diagrams to show how every state is debt-ridden and practically foreclosed! Oh no, does this mean Mexico gets California back? [RedState]
• Every night our cultured, worldly President cooks a big pot of traditional Pakistani tuna casserole and then reads mystical Urdu poetry until it’s time for bed. Jesus Obama, why don’t you and Taibbi get married so you can speak Russian together? The rest of us will be watching television, like normal red white and blue-blooded Americans. [Politico]

• K-Lo (who we’ll remind you is now a Serious Artist and would like to be called by her Christian name, “Jennifer Lopez”) is terribly upset that Obama is speaking at Notre Dame’s commencement because Obama is pro-choice and is therefore incapable of reciting vaguely inspirational pleasantries for 25 minutes. [Firedoglake]
• Ditto Newt Gingrich, a non-Cathlolic, who doesn’t think Obama, also a non-Catholic, is Catholic enough. [Media Matters]
• Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton tried to give the Russians a red button with the word “reset” on it, for friendship (?), except of course obviously the state department was incapable of correctly translating this single word. [Daily Intel]
• Here is Meghan McCain, wearing her old costume from Phoenix Senior High’s freshman-and-sophomores-only production of Chicago, talking about how she can’t add. You know, with numbers. Meghan McCain for Notre Dame commencement speaker! [The XX Factor]
• Some Washington middle schoolers got to hang out with Obama today and watch him hang out with space astronauts and talk about Tang, for such is their wont. [The Caucus]

SPACE DISASTER SOMEHOW DIDN’T INVOLVE NASA: Some old broken-ass Russian military satellite smashed into an Iridium satellite and now they are both tiny bits of space debris that will eventually cause the Apocalypse — the Russian satellite had a nuclear reactor. [Wall Street Journal]

A wingnut jesus-freak lady from our favorite online newspaper, World Net Daily, would like to share something with you — something she withheld from the American Public throughout the presidential campaign, even though she knew it was true, because she got some forwarded email saying it was true: At a business dinner in 1992, some Russian capitalist’s wife said the Communists had picked a new American president, a black guy from Hawaii/Africa named Barack! MORE »

Ha ha, remember after the 2004 elections people emailed each other maps showing the sane parts of America getting absorbed into Canada and the rest turning into a squalid nation of Cheetos-addicted wingnuts called Jesusland? A Russian “expert” has now reached a similar conclusion about America — that we are doomed to decline and a dissolution of the union in the near future. Like, by spring. (Oh, and Russia gets Alaska back! Bonus.) MORE »

Since Barack Obama has a full 137.99% of the entire world’s supply of dollars, John McCain now finds himself at a financial disadvantage! He’s stuck with a pauper’s sum of $84 million in [*aristocratic shudder*] “public” funds, which is what Joe the Plumber makes in one hour. In other words, John McCain now knows what it’s like to be a Welfare Queen, and it’s not as fun as Ronald Reagan made it out to be. What’s a broke presidential nominee to do when he can’t legally raise funds for his campaign, accept private donations above $2,300, or accept donations from foreigners? Answer: raise funds for his campaign by asking Russians to privately donate $5,000 sums which he will accept. Do loopholes justify this? Eh, maybe, but when you get caught doing this sort of thing it’s safer to just call it a mistake. MORE »

What is this weirdness? Joe Biden was talking to some supporters this weekend, at a fundraiser, about how Barack Obama will basically turn into a totalitarian dictator after he’s elected, just like Hercules did when he rinsed all the horseshit out of Washington by diverting a few rivers. Plus there will probably be another war or something, which Obama supporters will have to get behind. MORE »

America’s favorite frienemy Decepticon, Vladimir Putin, was given this wild monster, a “tigress cub,” for his 56th birthday. He “was shown stroking the two- month-old tigress at a meeting with Russian journalists at his residence outside Moscow.” Rowr…?? The gift-givers thought it would be hilarious — a great party joke! — given Putin’s tendency to shoot tigers. Russian irony! Very dark! [Bloomberg]

Ha ha, here is the latest New Yorker cover, which proves Sarah Palin is an idiot. Tina Fey should get royalties. Speaking of New Yorkers, did you people know you can get your picture taken with Palin and some fake dead thing? [New Yorker]

• EVERYONE STOP BEING MEAN!: Georgia lobbed missiles at Russia, then Russia killed everyone, then the U.S. signed a deal with Poland for that missile defense thing just to piss off Russia, and now Russia is selling missiles to Iran and Venezuela just to piss off the U.S. WTF? Why can’t all of these people act like grown-ups, sheesh. [Times UK]

Excerpts have leaked from Charlie Gibson’s first of three interviews with Sarah Palin, which will be aired in some form tonight on his ABC News show. We were expecting a puffy sort of chit-chat, and it mostly is, except for the part where they talk about WAR WITH FREAKING RUSSIA. Now, when you run around saying Georgia and Ukraine should be let into NATO — as both John McCain and Barack Obama do — as some reward for establishing a vaguely democratic government, that’s much more than a harmless platitude — there are actual, real-world implications! No one has really bothered to push McCain or Obama on this, which is why it’s so hilarious that Gibson pushed Palin on it during her first big interview. And she fucked up. MORE »