Tag Archives: russia

  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Preparing To Surrender Mother Russia To Scott Walker

Look closely at the fear in Vladimir's eyes.
Greetings of day to you, illiterate Western scum! I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, am happy to make speaking to you again here on Wonkette dot com! You have all recovered from watching of decadent movie award show, yes? Very political show this year, with talk of all the black men you have in prison and women you do not pay money to and such. Very embarrassing. At Russian Oscars, Mr. John Legend and Ms. Patricia Arquette would have been dragged out behind theater and been shot. Along with director who did not cut their microphones. Technicians who hooked up microphones. Cameramen who did not pan cameras away. Entire audience that applauded … you get picture. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Preparing To Surrender Mother Russia To Scott Walker…
  The Walking Dumb

Glenn Beck Knows Why The Walking Dead Is A Hit: It’s The End Of The World And We Know It

Glenn Beck and some of his fans
The shambling, dead-eyed masses lurched forward, drawn, some singly, some in groups, by some inexplicable impulse, to gather in herds of ravening, senseless hunger. They surged mindlessly without stopping, emitting guttural incoherent moans. Bereft of reason, they fed ravenously on the remnants of civilization, destroying everything in their path. It was August 28, 2010, and Glenn Beck’s “Restoring Honor” rally at the Lincoln Memorial was a huge success. Frankly, we like Wonkette’s descriptor for it better: “Glenn Beck’s Miraculous Slob Picnic” Read more on Glenn Beck Knows Why The Walking Dead Is A Hit: It’s The End Of The World And We Know It…
  Dumb and Duma

Homophobic Russian Politician Punked In Lesbian Selfie, Throws Giant Jerk Baby Tantrum

Milonov's the twit in the upper right. Not one of the ladies. Just to be clear.
Vitaly Milonov is a member of regional Parliament in St Petersburg — the Russian one, not the Florida one — and he does not like The Gays, not one little bit. Before the national government introduced its terrible law barring “gay propaganda,” Milonov had introduced a similar measure in his regional legislative body. So he’s a well-known face in the Russian anti-gay movement; we kind of hope maybe he has his own Santorum-like term on Russian Google. Read more on Homophobic Russian Politician Punked In Lesbian Selfie, Throws Giant Jerk Baby Tantrum…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: There Goes Sarah Knowin’ Stuff About Russia Again

After a content-heavy end to the year, the Sarah Palin Channel has regressed to the mean. She’s posted three videos in the last seven days, one of which was designed as a complement to her Faceplace screed on DogGate. And if we’re being perfectly honest with ourselves, Palin’s video about Jill Hadassah (yes, that is the dog’s actual name) is really cute and does exactly what it’s intended to do. Beware, Wonketeers, for Sarah Palin is improving in her ability to grift across multiple media channels, and she’s doing it with a widdle puppy with a cute widdle puppy face. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: There Goes Sarah Knowin’ Stuff About Russia Again…
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Just Big Teddy Bear Eating Honey Or Something, Who Even Knows Anymore

Let Vladimir help you relax.
“Sometimes I think that maybe it would be best if our bear just sat still. Maybe he should stop chasing pigs and boars around the taiga but start picking berries and eating honey. Maybe then he will be left alone. But no, he won’t be! Because someone will always try to chain him up. As soon as he’s chained they will tear out his teeth and claws. In this analogy, I am referring to the power of nuclear deterrence.” — Vladimir Putin in speech to journalists in Moscow on Dec. 18. Hello again, Zionist puppets of diseased American oligarchy! I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, wish to extend greetings of the season to you. It is beautiful time of year, when the West gorges on fruitcakes and candies while citizens make ostentatious gifts of useless trinkets and PlayStations. Christmas — it is fuel in engine to keep capitalism on road for another year. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Just Big Teddy Bear Eating Honey Or Something, Who Even Knows Anymore…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: American Wingnuts Sing Weird ‘Love Song For J. Alfred Putin’ (Video)

she has that 'This is so stupid I 'm delighted' smile again
On Thursday’s Rachel Maddow Show, we learned that Vladimir Putin is quite happy with how his life is going, telling the Russian press that, following his divorce earlier this year, “I have love in my life. I love and am loved.” Isn’t that sweet? And it turns out that he wasn’t even talking about the guys at Fox News who have such a stiffy for his manly, take-charge style of governance, which they wish our mom-jeans-wearing wimp of a president would learn from (because then they could really accuse him of tyranny). Maddow delighted her liberal-arts graduate audience by wondering at the right’s “strange love song for J. Alfred Putin.” They sure do love themselves some “Mmmm, Vladimir!” Read more on Morning Maddow: American Wingnuts Sing Weird ‘Love Song For J. Alfred Putin’ (Video)…
  humanum

Vatican Throws Festival Of Homophobia

  What you see above is not, despite all appearances, your freshman roomie’s botched and infected yin-yang tattoo, but a symbol of unity and celebration! It celebrates the matched sets of opposite-sexers who keep our planet from flying apart, according to the organizers of “Humanum: An International Interreligious Colloquium on the Complementarity of Man and Woman,” held this week at the Vatican. Read more on Vatican Throws Festival Of Homophobia…
  Maybe The Russians Are Just Breathing Hard

Hot New Worry: Russia Gonna Cold War Us All Over Again!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when Jack Davis illustrated everything, especially MAD magazine?
Now that we’ve beaten Ebola (not in the world, but in America, so we can go back to ignoring dying Africans) and fears of ISIS taking over our delis seem to be waning, we need another jolt straight to the amygdala’s fear centers. Retro almost always goes over well, so how about getting scared about Russia again? Read more on Hot New Worry: Russia Gonna Cold War Us All Over Again!!!!!!!!!!…
  Red Dawn II: How Tiresome

Is Putin Spreading Ebola? Sure Why Not

With Ebola now killing 0.000001% of Americans who might have otherwise died naturally from self-inflicted gunshot wounds, diabetes, car accidents or no-knock, wrong-condo SWAT raids, The Washington Post has bravely asked what you are already thinking deep within your sub-subconscious: Isn’t this Russia’s fault, somehow? Your intrepid Russia correspondent will now confirm what is plainly obvious. Read more on Is Putin Spreading Ebola? Sure Why Not…
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!

Psst! Mr. Riley Waggaman! How can you resist Vladimir?
Greetings, American stooge monkeys! It is I, your great friend President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, once again here to speak to you on the Wonkette! Now that you have correspondent in our Motherland, is only fair that Vladimir respond. Not to worry, Mr. Riley Waggaman! Though America is safe for you once again, now that Communist President Obama has, how you say, “taken care of” Mr. Andrew Breitbart, the Russian people welcome you stay long as you like. If you are sick-home and need American face, though, perhaps you and other honored Russian guest Mr. Edward Snowden can get together for light beers and racquetball. Please to contact glorious Russian security services — er, please excuse, I mean glorious Russian foreign national outreach agency –- to set up meeting. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!…
  So Nuts He Makes the Other Rush Look Sane

WND Idiot Erik Rush Just Asking Whether Obama Shot Down Flight 17 (He Totally Did)

The shocking evidence the mainstream media don't want you to see!
WND columnist and wackaloon conspiracy theorist (ah, but we repeat ourselves) Erik Rush, who’s pretty sure Obama tried to nuke South Carolina, is floating a new variation on the theme: Maybe we should consider, he says, the possibility that illegal “President” Barack Obama conspired with Ukraine to shoot down Malaysia Air Flight 17. This makes perfect sense, because it would fit so well with the already-established fact (in Erik Rush’s reality) that Barack Obama also blowed up the Malaysian airliner that went missing in March, because that’s just how Barry rolls. Read more on WND Idiot Erik Rush Just Asking Whether Obama Shot Down Flight 17 (He Totally Did)…
  clipbait

John Oliver Takes Light-Hearted Look At Our Decrepit Nuclear Arsenal (Video)

Magic Mushroom Clouds
A lot of us grew up with a fair certainty that one of these days there’d be a nuclear war — and Ronald Reagan helped turn the dial up to eleven before Nigel Tufnel ever picked up a guitar. But today, we haven’t had those highly effective “duck-and-cover” drills in ages, and who gives any thought to nuclear weapons? And that’s the problem, says John Oliver in this clip from Sunday’s Last Week Tonight: we’ve cut our nuclear stockpile way down from Cold War levels, but we still have enough nukes — just the U.S., never mind the Rooskies — to “not only destroy Earth, but provide 4th of July fireworks for Martians.” Read more on John Oliver Takes Light-Hearted Look At Our Decrepit Nuclear Arsenal (Video)…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Finds Lighter Side Of Malaysian Airliner Shootdown (Video)

Here’s Jon Stewart, giving us both of the plausible scenarios in last week’s downing of Malaysia Airlines flight 17: maybe it was shot down by poorly-trained pro-Russian separatists in Ukraine, using surface-to-air missiles provided by Russia. Or there’s the other possibility, floated by those Russian separatists: the plane was loaded with corpses and then made to crash, and the government of the Netherlands is merely pretending that a lot of its citizens were killed to make the separatists in Ukraine look bad, because you know how those Dutch are. And just to sum up what a weird world we live in, Malaysia Airlines now routes its flights from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur over a less dangerous place: Syria. Read more on Jon Stewart Finds Lighter Side Of Malaysian Airliner Shootdown (Video)…
  thanks obama!

Remember That Time Ronald Reagan Shot Down An Iranian Airliner? That Was Awesome

when other countries do it, it's an atrocity. When we do it, it's a tragic mistake.
Following last week’s shooting down of Malaysia Airlines flight MH 17, Fox News has been very busy criticizing Barack Obama for his completely insensitive actions in continuing on a fundraising tour, even though America’s national security was clearly at stake following the event (which may also have been just a distraction from the border crisis). After all, said the Foxies, Ronald Reagan didn’t go out on a fundraising tour when the USSR shot down a Korean Airlines 747 in 1983! He gave a very stern speech about the incident, which Fox showed clips of. Stupid Obama should have been more like Reagan, say Fox hosts like Megyn Kelly, Sean Hannity, and others. Which we suppose means that instead of immediately calling the Malaysian airliner shootdown an “outrage of unspeakable proportions,” Obama should have stayed on vacation for four days like Reagan did. Read more on Remember That Time Ronald Reagan Shot Down An Iranian Airliner? That Was Awesome…
  he reports we snide

Sky News Reporter Gives You Plane Crash News You Can Use By Ransacking Dead Child’s Luggage

Ever since the Malaysian airliner was shot down by a surface-to-air missile on Thursday, so very many people have used it as an opportunity to be terrible. See, for example, Wonkette hate favorite Bryan Fischer, who is pretty sure that it was awesome that a whole bunch of AIDS researchers were killed and also too why won’t Obama shut up about the damn gays? And let’s not even get started on every conservative explaining that Dead Ronald Reagan would have already flown to Russia and personally kissed or murdered Putin, whichever showed more strength and manliness. But in that race to the bottom, do not count out Sky News reporter Colin Brazier, who thought it was a lovely idea to rummage through the luggage of a victim of the crash live on television. Read more on Sky News Reporter Gives You Plane Crash News You Can Use By Ransacking Dead Child’s Luggage…
  pay no attention to the flaming wreckage

Rush Limbaugh Figures This ‘Airliner Shot Down’ Thing Just A Distraction From Scary Honduran Children On Border

Rush Limbaugh took to the air (not literally; are you kidding?) yesterday to say that he found it mighty convenient that an airliner happened to crash while Barack Obama was, we guess, just on the verge of being impeached over the Central American Children On the Border Crisis. Limbaugh, a veteran of 30 years in the talk show business, apparently finds something fishy in the news media focusing all its attention on something so mundane as a civilian airliner being shot out of the sky by a ground-to-air missile. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Figures This ‘Airliner Shot Down’ Thing Just A Distraction From Scary Honduran Children On Border…
  fire up your conspiracy theories

Saddam Hussein Shoots Down Malaysian Airliner; Time To Invade Cuba

A Malaysia Air 777 has crashed, probably shot down by a ground-to-air missile, over eastern Ukraine today. We are still in the early “very little is confirmed” stages of this story, so get ready for all sorts of maybe-facts that are likely to become fodder for suspicion and conspiracy theories. At this point, it appears that Flight MH-17 from Amsterdam, headed for Kuala Lumpur, was downed by separatist militants using a truck-mounted missile which struck it at its cruising altitude of approximately 33,000 feet, and the crash site is about 25 miles to the west of the Russia-Ukraine border. 280 passengers and 15 crew were aboard. After the jump, we’ll have video and some idiocy from the web. Read more on Saddam Hussein Shoots Down Malaysian Airliner; Time To Invade Cuba…
  taste the rainbow

Russian Priest Discovers Shocking World Cup Secret: The Shoes Are Making Us All Gay

OK, we almost passed on writing this, because the whole thing just seems too good/bad to be true, too perfectly tailored for a good solid skewering by yr Wonkette. However, we haven’t found anything on the internet to debunk this bad boy, so we’re going in. Have you been enjoying your liberal elitist World Cup? With all the multiculturalism and the face-painting and the legitimately sexy haircuts, it’s no surprise that good God-fearing nations like Russia and Spain were knocked out early. And thank the lord above, because apparently sticking around too long means you will turn gay, mostly because you will no longer be able to resist the hypnotic homosexxyness of the brightly colored shoes the soccer players wear. See? We told you it was perfect. Read more on Russian Priest Discovers Shocking World Cup Secret: The Shoes Are Making Us All Gay…
  Slow Eddie

Boy, That Edward Snowden Really Screwed Up, Says Edward Snowden

Though it’s always nice to be right, we really wish we had been wrong about Edward Snowden. We wish that he truly had been the super-genius martyr for freedom depicted by his most fervent supporters — and, if we’re being honest, by Snowden himself, with his talk of “sacrificing himself” and “risking his life” and so on. But he is not a super-genius martyr. He’s a naive idealist who’s in way over his head. And now, to his credit, it looks like he’s finally ready to acknowledge this: Two sources close to him told the Daily Beast that he “instantly regretted” his appearance on Russian state TV to ask shirtless Russian godhead Vladimir “the Botox Fox” Putin a softball question about Russia’s security apparatus, to which Putin naturally responded with transparent, regime-serving lies. “It certainly didn’t go as he would’ve hoped,” one of these sources said. “I don’t think there’s any shame in saying that he made an error in judgment.” Nope, no shame in that! But where, then, is the shame? Let’s find the shame. Read more on Boy, That Edward Snowden Really Screwed Up, Says Edward Snowden…
  Snowjob

Three Possible Explanations For The Snowden-Putin Tele-Potemkin, None Of Them Very Nice (VIDEO)

Spongy-faced Russian Emperor Vladimir Putin did some kind of Face The Motherland forum on his own personal television network, and he had a Very Special Guest: American/Russian hero/traitor Edward Snowden! Snowden began by stating that America’s intelligence-gathering methods are indiscriminate, ineffective, and abusive, then asked Putin if Russia did the same things. According to Slate’s transcript, Putin responded, in part: “We don’t have a mass system of such interception, and according to our law it cannot exist … [W]e don’t have as much money as they have in the States and we don’t have these technical devices that they have in the States. Our special services, thanks god, are strictly controlled by the society and by the law and are regulated by the law.” Putin did NOT go on to explain that, on the other hand, of course he personally directs Russia’s police and armed forces to violently squash any hint of civil protest against his government, and of course he’ll just go around slicing off pieces of other countries for Russia to eat in violation of international law, because that would undermine his point about being pretty much the best and sexiest beacon of Law and Freedom. He is a smart dude! Putin’s reasons for wanting this exchange on television are clear. But what about Snowden’s? Here are three of them, and sorry Team Snowden, none are very flattering to your guy. Read more on Three Possible Explanations For The Snowden-Putin Tele-Potemkin, None Of Them Very Nice (VIDEO)…
  and furthermore get off my lawn

Senator Dan Coats Embraces Stereotypes Of Olds By Showing Up At Wrong Hearing And Asking Questions Anyway

Ever had an old person walk up to you on the street and ask you a completely bizarre question, like, “Why do all the apples send moonbeams into your brain?” No? Well, doesn’t happen to us either. But at a Senate hearing yesterday, David Cohen, undersecretary of treasury for terrorism and financial intelligence, was testifying and had that kind of experience when Indiana’s Sen. Dan Coats decided to ask a question, per WaPo: After he’d finished a lengthy opening to his question, a staffer slipped Coats a piece of paper. Coats read it to himself, looked up, and said, “I just got a note saying I’m at the wrong hearing.” AFTER the question? Coats will never win the Most Observant Senator Award. And we bet that some staffer somewhere is getting an expletive-laden lesson in how not to be a fuck-up. Read more on Senator Dan Coats Embraces Stereotypes Of Olds By Showing Up At Wrong Hearing And Asking Questions Anyway…
  steven and vlad sitting in a tree

Steven Seagal Is World’s Foremost Expert On Freedom, Loving Vladimir Putin

We know that bloated completely faded star Steven Seagal thinks of himself as a real-life action figure/spy, what with his training a vigilante posse and such. But did you know he’s also a leading authority on Russia?! In Steven Seagal’s mind he totally is and he loves him some Vladimir Putin, probably because they are both just so darn manly. And is that thing where Putin just strolls in and takes Crimea cool? Totally cool, says geopolitical expert Steven Seagal. Read more on Steven Seagal Is World’s Foremost Expert On Freedom, Loving Vladimir Putin…