russia
Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys
Oh dear, Sen. Chuck Grassley snuck out the window again after lights-out, and now he’s leading inquiries into the Secret Service sex scandal. Whatcha got so far, inspector? “Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) said the Colombia prostitutes at the center of the Secret Service scandal may have been spies planted by the Russian government.” And if [...]
Vladdy Putin Pledges To Take Young Voters’ Virginity
Vladimir Putin is all set to steal the Russian presidential election this week, so who knows why he’s even bothering to make campaign ads, but here’s one in which a young Russian girl (a tween?) is told that Vladimir Putin is the right man to take her virginity. Her political virginity? Eh, either one probably [...]
Half of Republicans Don’t Know What ‘G.O.P.’ Means
It’s time for the greatest scientific barometer of America’s intellect, the Vanity Fair/CBS News poll of dingbat potpourri questions thrown at a representative sample of Americans who haven’t had their phone lines turned off by Verizon yet. What did our pollsters ask this time? To be weird, instead of asking a series of completely random [...]
Russia and Exxon Make Deal To Carve Up Arctic For Oil
It’s a good thing Russia isn’t full of Commie Rooskies anymore, and is instead ruled with an iron fist by a fascist kleptocracy — America’s biggest energy company just cut a deal with Russia’s state-run oil company to kill off the last polar bears and get the sweet, sweet crude under the rapidly melting ice [...]
Space-Race Victor Finally Wins Epic Battle With Self On Inoffensive Treaty
The New START Treaty finally will be ratified by the Senate today, only eight months after President Obama sat down with Russia to sign the thing in front of news cameras. This seemed like a done deal; who in their governments would really oppose drawing down the ridiculous stockpiles of aging nuclear weapons to help [...]
Nine GOP Senators Agree To Be Nuked By Russia
The eighth and ninth Republican traitor-senators have been revealed! Lamar Alexander and Bob Corker now say they’ll back the START nuclear treaty with the Soviet Union, and which requires the United States of America to have a few less nuclear death missiles, which will make it super easy for the Rooskies to drop the A-bomb [...]
Vladimir Putin Sings ‘Blueberry Hill’ To Celebrities
No idea. This guy seems a little Chechen if you ask us. [NYT]
Evil Soccer Organization Chooses Evil Russia and Qatar Over America
The United States’ big dreams of hosting the 2022 World Cup were shattered by one of the planet’s smallest nations. In a historic vote Thursday in Zurich, FIFA awarded the hosting rights to Qatar, a Middle Eastern country smaller than Connecticut that wowed the sport’s international governing body with innovative stadium plans, massive financial resources [...]
USA Beats USSR In Losing Afghanistan
Congratulations, America! The U.S. war in Afghanistan has now lasted longer than the Soviet war in Afghanistan. That’s nine years and fifty-three days for us, so far, and nine years and fifty days for the USSR. One cool thing about always having wars in the same brown-people countries year after year and decade after decade [...]
Everything In American Government Run Through Dumb Hack Jon Kyl Now
The New START Treaty, signed in April by President Obama and President Dmitry Medvedev of Russia, is an agreement by the two nations to significantly limit further their nuclear warheads, an update on expiring arms treaties signed by both Presidents Bush. But because Barack Obama is the most powerful man in the world, and his [...]
Kneeling Before Our New Orange Overlord (Day One)
All Hail John Boehner, America’s newly crowned Orange Mikado! Blessings and peace be upon him, and may he bestow upon us a plentiful cigarette harvest, so that we may have cancer of the lungs and/or mouth, whatever. Yes, November really was the Teabaggers’ “N word.” But c’mon people, it’s not like the Republicans eloped with [...]
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