Fear not, patient wingnuts! SARAH PALIN knows what it feels like to wait and wait and wait and wait for a celebrity JOHN HANCOCK. She knows what it’s like to practically die from hypothermia and disappointment. Yes, she has suffered just as you have: During the carefree ’90s — pre-9/11 Alaska, when Alaskans still felt safe — Sarah Palin stood in the freezing Anchorage cold for seven hours in hopes of procuring an autographed bottle of IVANA TRUMP PERFUME. And that was the fateful day Sarah realized not even Ivana’s magical flower-scented elixirs could mask the putrid odor of moose semen …. MORE »

Blogger Rick Klau’s friend is definitely Rudy Giuliani, noted small-town populist reformer. [Rick Klau via Ben Smith]

Not sure if this nightmarish requiem is official, but “sources say” that America’s mayor, Rudy Giuliani — who recently ran the worst presidential campaign in American history, centered around his major career accomplishment of having the worst terrorist attack in American history strike New York City’s two tallest buildings under his watch — is planning to run for Senate in next year’s special election, to fill the last two years of Hillary Clinton’s term. This will be the snarling beast’s stepping stone to the presidency, once and for all! (No, that’s really his plan.) Everyone loves a guy who was mayor of a city 10 years ago! MORE »

THIS MAN WAS NOMINATED TO BE SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY: “A judge tossed former NYPD commissioner Bernard Kerik in jail for trying to taint the jury pool via the Internet Tuesday — days before the top cop’s corruption trial starts. Federal Judge Stephen Robinson approved a prosecution request to revoke Kerik’s bail after they discovered non-public documents placed on a Web site affiliated with Kerik’s defense.” Ron Paul Forums? [NYDN]

Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani — the only mayor in American history to have commercial airplanes take down his city’s two most prominent buildings — is now “thtumping” for Mayor Bloomberg in New York City in his campaign against Democrat Bill Thompson. Did you know that Bill Thompson is black, old Jewish people? Rudy fears a return to the New York of old — “You know exactly what I’m talking about.” MORE »

IMPORTANT 9/11- AND WHOOPI GOLDBERG-RELATED INFORMATION: Next up on Rudy Giuliani’s eight-year September 11th press junket: an appearance on The View, on 9/11! Never forget… to set your DVRs. [Ben Smith]

It was hard to choose which of the 750 million clips of Rudy Giuliani — the only mayor in American history to have his city’s most prominent buildings decimated by hijacked airplanes — offering his expert opinion on health care reform, on every network, to post here, but let’s go with the liberal MSNBC! (On Fox News, he is literally cackling over the concept of poor or middle-class people having health care.) He says that people have cars and teevees and homes but not health care. People need choices in America! It’s unAmerican otherwise. Jesus. Someone please dump this snarling tumor in a Bronx trash can already. [YouTube]

What is up with this alarmingly bang-less Palin hairdo, over here? Is it not a trifle wig-like? And there’s something familiar about that mouth … MORE »

As periodic as the Indian monsoons are the indictments of Rudy Giuliani’s best friend, Bernie Kerik. He was nearly made the Secretary of Homeland Security in 2004, but then he had to withdraw his nomination on account of “nanny problems,” which is DC slang for “a closet so full of skeletons and crookery that he should rent out a storage unit, paid for by unsavory corporate interests.” MORE »

Last year Rudy Giuliani’s humble son Andrew, then a student at Duke, sued the university for kicking him off its varsity golf team, a move that “interferred with Giuliani’s efforts toward becoming a professional golfer,” the right to which is, what, Seventh Amendment? Eighth? (Second.) Yesterday a U.S. Magistrate Judge recommended dismissing the case in a SNARKY opinion that just eviscerates this brat, with “golf humor.” Ever seen a judge reject a plaintiff’s “promissory estoppel claim” by quoting a line from Caddyshack? [The Smoking Gun]

Everybody knows that the thrice-married, opera-loving Manhattan dandy Rudy Giuliani lived with a gay couple while in between wives. You’d think that was mean he was pretty OK with the hedonist homosexual gay lifestyle, but apparently you’d be wrong, because he had his secretary phone in his regrets two days before the wedding of his very good friends Howard Koeppel and Mark Hsiao. What a cock. [New York Post]