THIS MAN WAS NOMINATED TO BE SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY: “A judge tossed former NYPD commissioner Bernard Kerik in jail for trying to taint the jury pool via the Internet Tuesday — days before the top cop’s corruption trial starts. Federal Judge Stephen Robinson approved a prosecution request to revoke Kerik’s bail after they discovered non-public documents placed on a Web site affiliated with Kerik’s defense.” Ron Paul Forums? [NYDN]

Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani — the only mayor in American history to have commercial airplanes take down his city’s two most prominent buildings — is now “thtumping” for Mayor Bloomberg in New York City in his campaign against Democrat Bill Thompson. Did you know that Bill Thompson is black, old Jewish people? Rudy fears a return to the New York of old — “You know exactly what I’m talking about.” MORE »

IMPORTANT 9/11- AND WHOOPI GOLDBERG-RELATED INFORMATION: Next up on Rudy Giuliani’s eight-year September 11th press junket: an appearance on The View, on 9/11! Never forget… to set your DVRs. [Ben Smith]

It was hard to choose which of the 750 million clips of Rudy Giuliani — the only mayor in American history to have his city’s most prominent buildings decimated by hijacked airplanes — offering his expert opinion on health care reform, on every network, to post here, but let’s go with the liberal MSNBC! (On Fox News, he is literally cackling over the concept of poor or middle-class people having health care.) He says that people have cars and teevees and homes but not health care. People need choices in America! It’s unAmerican otherwise. Jesus. Someone please dump this snarling tumor in a Bronx trash can already. [YouTube]

What is up with this alarmingly bang-less Palin hairdo, over here? Is it not a trifle wig-like? And there’s something familiar about that mouth … MORE »

As periodic as the Indian monsoons are the indictments of Rudy Giuliani’s best friend, Bernie Kerik. He was nearly made the Secretary of Homeland Security in 2004, but then he had to withdraw his nomination on account of “nanny problems,” which is DC slang for “a closet so full of skeletons and crookery that he should rent out a storage unit, paid for by unsavory corporate interests.” MORE »

Last year Rudy Giuliani’s humble son Andrew, then a student at Duke, sued the university for kicking him off its varsity golf team, a move that “interferred with Giuliani’s efforts toward becoming a professional golfer,” the right to which is, what, Seventh Amendment? Eighth? (Second.) Yesterday a U.S. Magistrate Judge recommended dismissing the case in a SNARKY opinion that just eviscerates this brat, with “golf humor.” Ever seen a judge reject a plaintiff’s “promissory estoppel claim” by quoting a line from Caddyshack? [The Smoking Gun]

Everybody knows that the thrice-married, opera-loving Manhattan dandy Rudy Giuliani lived with a gay couple while in between wives. You’d think that was mean he was pretty OK with the hedonist homosexual gay lifestyle, but apparently you’d be wrong, because he had his secretary phone in his regrets two days before the wedding of his very good friends Howard Koeppel and Mark Hsiao. What a cock. [New York Post]

DAVID PATERSON IS FINISHED: New York Gov. David Paterson, whose reign started about a year ago in that very auspicious first week when he admitted to cheating on his wife and doing coke all the time, is trailing New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo 61-18 (!) in a theoretical gubernatorial primary poll. In a theoretical general election matchup against RUDY TERRIBLE GIULIANI he is losing 53-32. [Quinnipiac]

Robocalls, everyone’s talking about ‘em, these devilish angerbots that keep calling swing state voters and saying mean things about candidates. This one made us laugh out loud for the sole reason that it’s from Rudy Giuliani, and he says, among other things: “You need to know that Barack Obama opposes mandatory prison sentences for sex offenders, drug dealers and murderers. It’s true, I read Barack Obama’s words myself.” Since when can Rudy Giuluani read words? Ha ha, GOOD GOD. Can you imagine answering your phone only to hear this failed stupid fucking idiot say crap about anyone, based on what he “read himself”? Stop spitting on us, phone. [Jonathan Martin]

What better surrogate for McCain to whore out to reporters during a financial crisis than Rudy Giuliani, who personally… uh… made Wall Street have lots of liquidity or something on 9/11, with his bullhorn. Today’s conference call sounds like it was even funnier than 9/11, and that’s saying something. MORE »