Today, in our ongoing celebration of profane Republican lawmakers, we bring you the beloved Ohio smoke-mummy John Boehner. On Friday he very coyly suggested that Nancy Pelosi’s “Let’s All Give Anal Beads to the Polar Bears for Christmas” enviroterrorist legislation was not quite to his taste … MORE »

Joe the goddamn Plumber is suing a few gals in Ohio, state employees to be exact, for cheating with their computers! This latest publicity stunt of a civil action states that these three “violated his privacy when they gathered his personal information in a records search,” which they were not allowed to do. You may remember that this personal information included the revelations that his name was not Joe, that he was not a Plumber, and that he had a tax lien on his house. And it was only after the public learned about this things that Samuel Wurzelbacher really hit Jackpot! MORE »

Remember when hysterical allegations of massive voter fraud in Ohio and other ACORNy swing states became the McCain-Palin campaign’s last best chance to stop the half-breed Muslin from turning America into a wealthy modern superpower? Well, the investigation is finally finished in Ohio’s huge Hamilton County, home to the city of Cincinnati and some 900,000 people. You’ll never guess how many of them are voter-fraud criminals! MORE »

VOINOVICH WON’T RUN AGAIN: Wasn’t he one of those “vulnerable Republicans” anyhow? The senator from Ohio announced he won’t be running for re-election in 2010. Instead, he will be replaced by a waxen replica of Joe the Plumber, which will shoot fire out of its anus every 15 seconds. [The Fix]

Robert Kennedy Jr. will attest that Ken Blackwell is the literal reincarnation of Beelzebub, who rode a steaming sleigh of entrails from the bowels of Hell to Ohio in order to help George W. Bush steal the election of 2004. This makes him a perfect candidate to run the Republican National Committee as it faces an ever more glorious future. MORE »

Former Ohio Congressman Bob Ney, famous for accepting all bribes from Jack Abramoff when he was ripping off those Indians, finished his 30-month prison sentence in August — surprise! — after 17 months in prison. He is now under “supervision” at his Columbus home. But that is no way for a man of leisure to live his life, of course! So it turns out he’s requested a passport, and received one (from a judge!), and now refuses to talk to the press. Looks like we’ve got a runner, America! YOU BOYS LIKE MEX-EE-CO? [WTOV 9]

Unlicensed artisan Sam Wurzelbacher, known to most Americans as “Joe the Plumber,” has gone from interviews on CNN/MSNBC/Fox News everyday and being the only talking point of a major party’s presidential campaign to much higher vistas: an interview with the Tufts college newspaper and the single most important journalist since Mencken, Michael Bendetson, “a freshman who has not yet declared a major.” Joe explains that he will never have any success doing anything popular again, except for that weird blog and book. MORE »

Oh look here is a kindly gent who maybe voted today, wearing his “Dress-Up Overhauls.” With Ohio and Pennsylvania under Obama’s belt, is there any way, mathematically speaking, that John McCain can get elected? Not that “math” and “numbers” are the be-all and end-all of voting, but still… MORE »

Those of you who are privately in love with Chuck Todd will recall that he recently told us, “If Indiana is too close to call at poll close, that is good news for Barack Obama.” Well, Wolf Blitzer just said, “We’re in no position to make a projection yet.” MORE »

JOE THE PLUMBER CRIME SPREE PROVEN TRUE: That thing we posted about pin-eyed skinhead Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher doing election and speeding crimes? The speeding part has been confirmed, by the Toledo Police [Toledo Blade]

One of the seventy-thousand reasons John McCain has a 1% chance of winning the presidency is a dumb tool who called himself “Joe the Plumber” and hoped to get fame and free welfare money as a result of telling a dumb lie to Barack Obama, when Barack Obama was campaigning in this man’s neighborhood. Because he was a creepy looking mouth-breather who didn’t pay his own bills and would get a tax cut under Obama and whose wife had left him to a life of unlicensed work at some other guy’s plumbing business, the McCain campaign naturally decided — in the last weeks of a tightening race — to throw everything behind this unappealing character who represented nothing. And now Joe the Plumber’s trying to vote illegally, too! MORE »