Laugh all you want, but once the remaining people skinny enough to get on an airplane finally escape the doomed land of America, these slobs will actually have the whole place to themselves. Sarah Palin will be their “Mrs. Everyday President” or something and she’ll promise them dinner at Red Lobster once a year, but the rest of the time they have to stay in their tents, in the endless acid rain, for Jesus. [Plunderbund]

Ohio player Tony Walker sends us this picture of a super-scary Halloween yard display, in his yard, in Ohio. “I stole the TeaBagger style for the sign (lettering and such) but restructured the message to a leftest/socialist theme,” Tony types to us. So is this our first “costume picture” of Halloween Eve? Come on people, send your political fun costume pix NOW. But don’t go as “Sexy Nancy Pelosi” because that one’s taken … by Nancy Pelosi!

Hey Columbus Dispatch, you have a Moral Obligation to release audio of this interview with Sen. George Voinovich! All Americans must hear this terrifyingly transcribed hell-screech of the Southern Republicans: “We got too many Jim DeMints and Tom Coburns. It’s the southerners. They get on TV and go ‘errrr, errrrr.’ People hear them and say, ‘These people, they’re southerners. The party’s being taken over by southerners. What the hell they got to do with Ohio?’” So next time you and a sexytime friend are on the sidewalk and hear some nearby people saying “errrr, errrrr” to each other, you can turn to your sexytime friend and whisper, “These people, they’re southerners,” and sound cool and smart and learned in tongues, and then you can bone, hooray. [Columbus Dispatch]

Today, in our ongoing celebration of profane Republican lawmakers, we bring you the beloved Ohio smoke-mummy John Boehner. On Friday he very coyly suggested that Nancy Pelosi’s “Let’s All Give Anal Beads to the Polar Bears for Christmas” enviroterrorist legislation was not quite to his taste … MORE »

Joe the goddamn Plumber is suing a few gals in Ohio, state employees to be exact, for cheating with their computers! This latest publicity stunt of a civil action states that these three “violated his privacy when they gathered his personal information in a records search,” which they were not allowed to do. You may remember that this personal information included the revelations that his name was not Joe, that he was not a Plumber, and that he had a tax lien on his house. And it was only after the public learned about this things that Samuel Wurzelbacher really hit Jackpot! MORE »

Remember when hysterical allegations of massive voter fraud in Ohio and other ACORNy swing states became the McCain-Palin campaign’s last best chance to stop the half-breed Muslin from turning America into a wealthy modern superpower? Well, the investigation is finally finished in Ohio’s huge Hamilton County, home to the city of Cincinnati and some 900,000 people. You’ll never guess how many of them are voter-fraud criminals! MORE »

VOINOVICH WON’T RUN AGAIN: Wasn’t he one of those “vulnerable Republicans” anyhow? The senator from Ohio announced he won’t be running for re-election in 2010. Instead, he will be replaced by a waxen replica of Joe the Plumber, which will shoot fire out of its anus every 15 seconds. [The Fix]

Robert Kennedy Jr. will attest that Ken Blackwell is the literal reincarnation of Beelzebub, who rode a steaming sleigh of entrails from the bowels of Hell to Ohio in order to help George W. Bush steal the election of 2004. This makes him a perfect candidate to run the Republican National Committee as it faces an ever more glorious future. MORE »

Former Ohio Congressman Bob Ney, famous for accepting all bribes from Jack Abramoff when he was ripping off those Indians, finished his 30-month prison sentence in August — surprise! — after 17 months in prison. He is now under “supervision” at his Columbus home. But that is no way for a man of leisure to live his life, of course! So it turns out he’s requested a passport, and received one (from a judge!), and now refuses to talk to the press. Looks like we’ve got a runner, America! YOU BOYS LIKE MEX-EE-CO? [WTOV 9]

Unlicensed artisan Sam Wurzelbacher, known to most Americans as “Joe the Plumber,” has gone from interviews on CNN/MSNBC/Fox News everyday and being the only talking point of a major party’s presidential campaign to much higher vistas: an interview with the Tufts college newspaper and the single most important journalist since Mencken, Michael Bendetson, “a freshman who has not yet declared a major.” Joe explains that he will never have any success doing anything popular again, except for that weird blog and book. MORE »

Oh look here is a kindly gent who maybe voted today, wearing his “Dress-Up Overhauls.” With Ohio and Pennsylvania under Obama’s belt, is there any way, mathematically speaking, that John McCain can get elected? Not that “math” and “numbers” are the be-all and end-all of voting, but still… MORE »