So Liz Cheney and Bill Kristol talked to some bigwigs over at Internet, who have finally agreed to publish KeepAmericaSafe.com! As soon as you can tear yourself away from Michael Steele’s A Man Got To Have A Code blog, your editor at Wonkette implores you to join us on a tour of this latest significant Republican contribution to the Internet. Never ever has there been so much torture in one place. Ha ha, this certainly is not true. But still! Wouldn’t you like to meet today’s Featured Gitmo Detainee? MORE »

Twas only Monday when we even first met the Liz Monster, Dick Cheney’s spawn-object, and her feared Internet chimera KeepAmericaSafe.com. Well, now it is Wednesday and the Liz Monster must defend herself against a formidable enemy force composed of actual former generals in the US Army who will fight the Liz Monster until she glissades back into the mountains of Hell and stops frightening Earth’s creatures. Really. MORE »

According to several popular children’s ghost stories books, centuries ago Dick Cheney created another in the image of himself. He called it “Liz,” for he liked to draw out the zzzz and allow the vibrations produced by the humans’ language tickle his tongue-organ. According to legend, when little boys and girls don’t listen to their parents, the Liz Monster will emerge from the bowels of hell to waterboard them to death, or until they produce actionable intelligence. WELL: Everyone must have been on their absolute worst behavior lately, as the Liz Monster has materialized to not-torture us all! MORE »

• High-frequency trading? Goldman Sachs? Ball’s in your court, Taibbi. [Matt Yglesias]
• “You Want Context? Drudge Will Give You Context.” And brain herpes! [Weekly Standard]
• Joe Biden is such a golly liberal fascist, according to liberal fascist experts. [USA Today]
• The best part of RedState’s furry convention was when Liz Cheney gave everyone an enormous boner — as stiff as a starched collar! Who could resist doe-eyed Liz in that delicious panda bear suit? So soft. [RedState]
• Sean Hannity is now a Texas Kentucky Colonel. [Think Progress]
• CNN took one look at the ad Media Matters wanted to air and said, “What is this? You are not selling pills or automobiles? NO. This will not do. Air your facts on Fox.” [TPM]

• There’s blood in the streets of Miami after notoriously not gay Father Alberto “Woman Kisser” Cutié called the Catholics “a bunch of lame-ass wankstas” and then defected to the Episcopal Church, which the Episcopalians used as a ripe opportunity to say massively disrespectful things about the Pope. Afraid of another Catholic drive-by, Cutié now wears a slug vest over his festive vestments. [American Spectator]
• Conservatives are very open-minded about grammar and they’ll read just about anything, even conservative blogs. [Hot Air]
• Exit polls show Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the Iran gubernatorial primary. Susan Boyle was runner-up, which really upset a lot of people. [Andrew Sullivan]
• There are seven types of stool, and Bill O’Reilly is a Type 4, “Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft.” But what about the shit that comes from Bill’s enormous turd-mouth? Probably a Type 7, “Entirely liquid.” [Think Progress]
• Liz Cheney spanked Rumsfeld until he cried like a little nancy after meekly suggesting we “cut and run,” which is why we picked the winning strategy and secured a perimeter around the Ministry of Oil and let the rest of Iraq go to hell. [HuffPost]

* Heard on the Hill: Reps. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-Fla.) and Stephanie Herseth (D-S.D.) are sporting new hairstyles. . . Tourist enters the Cannon House Office Building unknowingly bleeding from his leg. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Maury Povich and Connie Chung speak at Nathans, but allegations of sexual harassment against him “were the big unspoken subtext of the day”. . . Hillary Clinton, Liz Cheney, Lisa Ling, and Christiane Amanpour, on behalf of Vital Voices, will give awards to Kuwaiti suffragists. [WP]
* Under the Dome: System of a Down band-members lobby lawmakers “to recognize the Armenian genocide that killed 1.5 million people 91 years ago.” [The Hill]
* Fox 411: Neil Young’s new song about impeaching Bush “contains the most pungent attacks on a US president in pop-rock since The Ramones recorded ‘Bonzo Goes to Bitburg’ in the late 1980s.” [Fox News]