jesus christ
Happy 107th Birthday, Zombie Ayn Rand!
We were skimming the FoxNews.com website looking for some of those “free Medicare scooter” ads, but got distracted by the important news of terrible writer/awful person Ayn Rand’s 107th birthday. She doesn’t look a day over 106 … objectively. Objectively-ist. Anyway, we hope she’s enjoying being tortured for Eternity in Hell, for not believing in [...]
Surprise, Homeland Security Coordinates #OWS Crackdowns
Remember when people were freaking out over the Patriot Act and Homeland Security and all this other conveniently ready-to-go post-9/11 police state stuff, because it would obviously be just a matter of time before the whole apparatus was turned against non-Muslim Americans when they started getting complain-y about the social injustice and economic injustice and [...]
Denied By God, Rick Perry Now Wants To Be President
As every other “serious GOP candidate” but Mitt Romney decides they don’t want to lose to Obama next year, Rick Perry has been sitting in his office in Texas wondering if maybe this is the way God is telling him to run for president. After all, Rick is a white Christian of the approved Tex-American [...]
FLOTUS Turns American Religious Holiday Into Pagan ‘Let’s Move!’ Party
Once upon a time there was this guy named Jesus, who told a bunch of people that he was the Son of God and did lots of magic tricks until Mel Gibson killed him in front of disgusted audiences everywhere, the end. This is the foundation for the world’s angriest religion, Christianity. This is also [...]
Fundamentalist Christians Are All Obese, According To Science
Well, here’s a shocker: America’s most deluded religious group, the fundamentalist Christians, “are 50 percent more likely to turn into obese middle-agers as those with no religious involvement.” Being dumb and poor and racist and homophobic apparently wasn’t enough for Jeebus’ true children here in America — now they’re doomed to fatness, too. Again, this [...]
Newt Gingrich Rams His Love of Easter Candies Down America’s Memory Hole
Amoral pudgesack Newt Gingrich loves only two things: divorcing his old wives after he gives them cancer, and stuffing his albino-hamster face with Easter candies to “prove” he loves his current wife, for the time being. But now his holiday gluttony is as hidden away as the records of his many cruel divorces against his [...]
Did SUNY Professor Find ‘Teeth of Jesus’ In Israel Cave?
A visiting assistant anthropology professor at upstate New York’s Binghamton University may have found the actual “teeth of Jesus” in a prehistoric Israeli cave, experts say. If Jesus was truly alive between 200,000 and 400,000 years ago, it is possible that the eight teeth discovered in Qesem Cave might be the actual “teeth of the [...]
AFA: Jesus Wanted Firefighters To Let That House Burn
Bryan Fischer at the American Family Association’s blog has heard about this situation with the family that didn’t pay their $75 annual fee to be rescued from dying in a house fire, and he has thankfully decided for us What Would Jesus Have Done. Jesus would have shown compassion, right? Haha, no, do you think [...]
Jesus Communicator Sends Us Poorly Written Cease-and-Desist Letter
As you learned in civics class, Jesus is the most important branch of the U.S. federal government. And so your afternoon editor wrote a couple of posts about That Dude yesterday and thought nothing of it. But according to a sternly written e-mail from Christ’s publicist, who writes in a tongue that is not correct [...]
Never Forget This Anti-Manhattan Mosque Rock Anthem
“Can’t let ‘em build it, no no no no no no,” growls Trade Martin, the papa grizzly singing this anthem opposing the Cordoba House/Ground Zero Mosque. “There’s a painful memory in our minds.” Listen to this terrible, cacophonous nightmare of a song, and you will also have a new, painful memory, for your mind. The [...]
Wise Man Willie Brings Dope To Baby Jesus
Still sad because False Unicorn Barack Obama won’t legalize it? Here’s heroic Texan Willie Nelson, dressed as the Angel Mohammad, bringing the gift of ganja to the Baby Jesus. This is apparently from a Stephen Colbert Christmas Special (?!), so Happy Xmas. [High Times]
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