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Posts Tagged ‘gossip roundup’

WAGG THE BOG

Mark Foley Misses The Good Life, And Levi Johnston Fears Sarah’s Evil Cackle

Thursday, November 19th, 2009

Personality Parade!

Hoochiemama! Teenage cumsicle LEVI JOHNSTON shan’t be accepting the generous Turkey Day invitation from SARAH PALIN, who selflessly offered her home to Levi on national teevee! “You could tell by her laugh she was full of it,” explained Levi. And by “it,” Levi meant “a deep-seated desire to punch me, Levi Johnston, in the dick.” Stay away from Levi’s junk, Sarah! It is his livelihood … MORE »


WAGG THE BOG

Marco Rubio Downloads Sarah Palin’s Brain Torrent, And The RNC Goes Green

Wednesday, November 11th, 2009

Personality Parade!

In an effort to reduce its carbon footprint, the REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE has pledged to recycle smear campaigns and political spin! Yes, MICHAEL STEELE has finally done it! He’s bringing back all your favorites: “flip-flopper” … WILLIE HORTON … “cut and run” … “Why did the Democrats flip-flop and let Willie Horton cut and run?” This is an important question Michael Steele will inevitably ask in the days to come. MORE »


WAGG THE BOG

The Pentagon Sewer Monster Is Watching You, And Joe Wilson Is Hired As A Male Escort

Friday, November 6th, 2009

Personality Parade!Hot date! Southern gentleman and rhetorician REP. JOE WILSON (R-SC) has been given the honor of escorting German Chancellor-Frau ANGELA MERKEL to the 20th annual Berlin Wall Ball. But will Joe be ready for the big night? Where will he find a corsage that compliments Angela’s captivating blue eyes? And can he trust the ILLEGAL ALIENS who work at the dry cleaners with his tailcoat? And does he remember how to waltz? Gossip mongers report that Joe has been practicing his footwork all week: 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM. Very rhythmic, that Joe Wilson. He’s got those happy feet, moves with the music … MORE »


WAGG THE BOG

Barack Obama Tolerates Too Much, And What Mortal Could Match The Splendor That Is Ronald Reagan?

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

Personality Parade! Gee whiz, not even plague-ridden rodents phase BARACK OBAMA! It’s true: Once upon a time young Barry Obama was talking on the telephone — as Chicago lawyers often do — when quite out of nowhere a grimy rat scurried across the floor and climbed up his leg. TONY REZKO had threatened to unleash the rats if the rent was ever late, but Barry thought he was just joshing and so did Barry’s law partner BILL AYERS, who feared all species of vermin and instinctively jumped out the window. But Obama? Obama was cool as a cucumber, and offered the rat a smoke … MORE »


WAGG THE BOG

Newt Gingrich Highly Recommends Newt Gingrich’s New Treatise, And Donald Trump Wants His Tits Back

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

Personality Parade! Good gravy, the GAZONGA COLLECTORS are after former California Biddie of the Year CARRIE PREJEAN! Poor Carrie signed a six-month lease on her enormous ta-ta job, but now she doesn’t want to make the monthly payments because seriously, what is DONALD TRUMP going to do, repossess her boobs? Like the Good Book says, The Trump giveth and The Trump taketh away … MORE »


WAGG THE BOG

Wannabe Sarah Palins Want Your Unwrapped Razor Blade Candy, And Wolfgang Puck Keeps The Peace

Wednesday, October 14th, 2009

Personality Parade!Stray boys and cats are already camping outside of Target in hopes of procuring a SARAH PALIN NAUGHTY ALASKAN MAID HALLOWEEN COSTUME (one size fits all). Complete with a moose pelt mini skirt, an apron/Twitter feed, a GOP debit card and a boner-inducing book deal, industry analysts predict the nipple-hardening Alaskan get-up will be an easier sell than IRAQI WMDS! … MORE »


WAGG THE BOG

Michael Bloomberg Seeks A Third Term As Mayor Of Tennessee, And Marco Rubio Calls Republicans ‘Uppity’

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

Personality Parade!It’s official: Poo poo platter BILL O’REILLY wants to finger-bang the snot out of Minnesota Medusa MICHELE BACHMANN. Say no, Michele! You have a husband, a family — What would your son GRENDEL think? Baby Jesus himself would probably have a hernia. But Bill has a certain charm to him and he’s so soft and warm, like a shard. Temptation! … MORE »


WAGG THE BOG

Chuck Grassley Lost A Limb At Antietam, And Sanjay Insists Anderson Cooper Has The Seven Signs Of The Aporkalypse

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Personality Parade!
In the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress! According to some sort of ‘Save Glenn Beck’ online petition, Americans overwhelmingly chose WALMART as the symbol of our great Union! Other popular symbols that didn’t make the cut: a bald eagle clenching a Kenyan birth certificate with its razor-sharp talons, LYNNDIE ENGLAND pointing at at pyramid of naked LOLCATS, and the piano box casket … MORE »


WAGG THE BOG

Meghan McCain Joins The Circus, And Mark Foley Has A New Radio Show, ‘What Are You Wearing?’

Thursday, September 24th, 2009

Personality Parade!

What does MEGHAN McCAIN want to be when she grows up? An astronaut? A syndicated Twitterer? Balderdash! Meghan dreams of a simple life in the circus, as a lion tamer or a contortionist or something. But Meghan is already surrounded by clowns! CINDY McCAIN can walk on her hands whilst farting the Pledge of Allegiance. Not even the most accomplished CARNY is capable of such feats … MORE »


WAGG THE BOG

Dick Cheney Goes Soft, And Eliot Spitzer Wants To Get Hard

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

Personality Parade!Heavens! The DEBT COLLECTORS are in hot pursuit of America’s prized orator, JOE WILSON! Apparently Joe purchased 30,000 “I’m With Myself” tee shirts with his credit card, because he forgot to buy his wife something nice for 9/11. But guess what? BANK OF AMERICA does not accept SCREAMING as a form of payment! (It used to, when we were still on the gold standard.) Run for your life, Joe Wilson! You would not enjoy DEBTOR’S PRISON, where they make you talk with “inside voices.” … MORE »


WAGG THE BOG

John McCain Sucks at Fantasy Football, and Osama bin in Love

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

Personality Parade!JOHN McCAIN cut himself (”down the highway” not “across the street”) after NAVY lost to Ohio State, at American collegiate football. Hardly a surprise, considering those dapper Navy midshipmen can’t even beat a bunch of dirty beatnik bookworms at croquet. Can you even begin to imagine how disastrous it would be if MIT challenged Navy to a game of MARIO KART? … MORE »