Tag Archives: gossip roundup

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Sarah Palin Smells Like Taint, and Barack Obama Lets Turkeys Win

Fear not, patient wingnuts! SARAH PALIN knows what it feels like to wait and wait and wait and wait for a celebrity JOHN HANCOCK. She knows what it’s like to practically die from hypothermia and disappointment. Yes, she has suffered just as you have: During the carefree ’90s — pre-9/11 Alaska, when Alaskans still felt safe — Sarah Palin stood in the freezing Anchorage cold for seven hours in hopes of procuring an autographed bottle of IVANA TRUMP PERFUME. And that was the fateful day Sarah realized not even Ivana’s magical flower-scented elixirs could mask the putrid odor of moose semen …. Read more on Sarah Palin Smells Like Taint, and Barack Obama Lets Turkeys Win…
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Mark Foley Misses The Good Life, And Levi Johnston Fears Sarah’s Evil Cackle

Hoochiemama! Teenage cumsicle LEVI JOHNSTON shan’t be accepting the generous Turkey Day invitation from SARAH PALIN, who selflessly offered her home to Levi on national teevee! “You could tell by her laugh she was full of it,” explained Levi. And by “it,” Levi meant “a deep-seated desire to punch me, Levi Johnston, in the dick.” Stay away from Levi’s junk, Sarah! It is his livelihood … Read more on Mark Foley Misses The Good Life, And Levi Johnston Fears Sarah’s Evil Cackle…
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Marco Rubio Downloads Sarah Palin’s Brain Torrent, And The RNC Goes Green

In an effort to reduce its carbon footprint, the REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE has pledged to recycle smear campaigns and political spin! Yes, MICHAEL STEELE has finally done it! He’s bringing back all your favorites: “flip-flopper” … WILLIE HORTON … “cut and run” … “Why did the Democrats flip-flop and let Willie Horton cut and run?” This is an important question Michael Steele will inevitably ask in the days to come. Read more on Marco Rubio Downloads Sarah Palin’s Brain Torrent, And The RNC Goes Green…
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The Pentagon Sewer Monster Is Watching You, And Joe Wilson Is Hired As A Male Escort

Hot date! Southern gentleman and rhetorician REP. JOE WILSON (R-SC) has been given the honor of escorting German Chancellor-Frau ANGELA MERKEL to the 20th annual Berlin Wall Ball. But will Joe be ready for the big night? Where will he find a corsage that compliments Angela’s captivating blue eyes? And can he trust the ILLEGAL ALIENS who work at the dry cleaners with his tailcoat? And does he remember how to waltz? Gossip mongers report that Joe has been practicing his footwork all week: 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM. Very rhythmic, that Joe Wilson. He’s got those happy feet, moves with the music … Read more on The Pentagon Sewer Monster Is Watching You, And Joe Wilson Is Hired As A Male Escort…
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Barack Obama Tolerates Too Much, And What Mortal Could Match The Splendor That Is Ronald Reagan?

Gee whiz, not even plague-ridden rodents phase BARACK OBAMA! It’s true: Once upon a time young Barry Obama was talking on the telephone — as Chicago lawyers often do — when quite out of nowhere a grimy rat scurried across the floor and climbed up his leg. TONY REZKO had threatened to unleash the rats if the rent was ever late, but Barry thought he was just joshing and so did Barry’s law partner BILL AYERS, who feared all species of vermin and instinctively jumped out the window. But Obama? Obama was cool as a cucumber, and offered the rat a smoke … Read more on Barack Obama Tolerates Too Much, And What Mortal Could Match The Splendor That Is Ronald Reagan?…
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Newt Gingrich Highly Recommends Newt Gingrich’s New Treatise, And Donald Trump Wants His Tits Back

Good gravy, the GAZONGA COLLECTORS are after former California Biddie of the Year CARRIE PREJEAN! Poor Carrie signed a six-month lease on her enormous ta-ta job, but now she doesn’t want to make the monthly payments because seriously, what is DONALD TRUMP going to do, repossess her boobs? Like the Good Book says, The Trump giveth and The Trump taketh away … Read more on Newt Gingrich Highly Recommends Newt Gingrich’s New Treatise, And Donald Trump Wants His Tits Back…
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Wannabe Sarah Palins Want Your Unwrapped Razor Blade Candy, And Wolfgang Puck Keeps The Peace

Stray boys and cats are already camping outside of Target in hopes of procuring a SARAH PALIN NAUGHTY ALASKAN MAID HALLOWEEN COSTUME (one size fits all). Complete with a moose pelt mini skirt, an apron/Twitter feed, a GOP debit card and a boner-inducing book deal, industry analysts predict the nipple-hardening Alaskan get-up will be an easier sell than IRAQI WMDS! … Read more on Wannabe Sarah Palins Want Your Unwrapped Razor Blade Candy, And Wolfgang Puck Keeps The Peace…
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Michael Bloomberg Seeks A Third Term As Mayor Of Tennessee, And Marco Rubio Calls Republicans ‘Uppity’

It’s official: Poo poo platter BILL O’REILLY wants to finger-bang the snot out of Minnesota Medusa MICHELE BACHMANN. Say no, Michele! You have a husband, a family — What would your son GRENDEL think? Baby Jesus himself would probably have a hernia. But Bill has a certain charm to him and he’s so soft and warm, like a shard. Temptation! … Read more on Michael Bloomberg Seeks A Third Term As Mayor Of Tennessee, And Marco Rubio Calls Republicans ‘Uppity’…
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Chuck Grassley Lost A Limb At Antietam, And Sanjay Insists Anderson Cooper Has The Seven Signs Of The Aporkalypse

In the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress! According to some sort of ‘Save Glenn Beck’ online petition, Americans overwhelmingly chose WALMART as the symbol of our great Union! Other popular symbols that didn’t make the cut: a bald eagle clenching a Kenyan birth certificate with its razor-sharp talons, LYNNDIE ENGLAND pointing at at pyramid of naked LOLCATS, and the piano box casket … Read more on Chuck Grassley Lost A Limb At Antietam, And Sanjay Insists Anderson Cooper Has The Seven Signs Of The Aporkalypse…
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Meghan McCain Joins The Circus, And Mark Foley Has A New Radio Show, ‘What Are You Wearing?’

What does MEGHAN McCAIN want to be when she grows up? An astronaut? A syndicated Twitterer? Balderdash! Meghan dreams of a simple life in the circus, as a lion tamer or a contortionist or something. But Meghan is already surrounded by clowns! CINDY McCAIN can walk on her hands whilst farting the Pledge of Allegiance. Not even the most accomplished CARNY is capable of such feats … Read more on Meghan McCain Joins The Circus, And Mark Foley Has A New Radio Show, ‘What Are You Wearing?’…
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Dick Cheney Goes Soft, And Eliot Spitzer Wants To Get Hard

Heavens! The DEBT COLLECTORS are in hot pursuit of America’s prized orator, JOE WILSON! Apparently Joe purchased 30,000 “I’m With Myself” tee shirts with his credit card, because he forgot to buy his wife something nice for 9/11. But guess what? BANK OF AMERICA does not accept SCREAMING as a form of payment! (It used to, when we were still on the gold standard.) Run for your life, Joe Wilson! You would not enjoy DEBTOR’S PRISON, where they make you talk with “inside voices.” … Read more on Dick Cheney Goes Soft, And Eliot Spitzer Wants To Get Hard…
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John McCain Sucks at Fantasy Football, and Osama bin in Love

JOHN McCAIN cut himself (“down the highway” not “across the street”) after NAVY lost to Ohio State, at American collegiate football. Hardly a surprise, considering those dapper Navy midshipmen can’t even beat a bunch of dirty beatnik bookworms at croquet. Can you even begin to imagine how disastrous it would be if MIT challenged Navy to a game of MARIO KART? … Read more on John McCain Sucks at Fantasy Football, and Osama bin in Love…
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Henry Paulson Has A Protein Spill, And Say Goodbye To Snail Mail

Remember when America was American as APPLE PIE, when you could call your congressman’s office and enjoy the patriotic vibrations of MICHELE BACHMANN’S iTunes playlist while you were put on hold? Those days are over, because Caliph of the House NANCY PELOSI has decreed strict Sharia law: Henceforth, all music is forbidden in congressional offices, the obvious exception being KENNY G’S “The Moment,” since that was the Mujahideen’s theme song. But if Nancy is so in love with the TALIBAN, why has she trimmed her beard? Curious gossip mongers want to know … Read more on Henry Paulson Has A Protein Spill, And Say Goodbye To Snail Mail…
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Crop Circles Hate On Obama, And Martha’s Vineyard Rips Hasty Gravity Bong

Oh wow, even ALIENS loathe socialist earthling emperor BARACK OBAMA! Justifiably furious about Obama’s tentative plans to euthanize extra terrestrial grannies, ZENSUNNI WANDERERS from the planet ARRAKIS sculpted “Say no to Obama” into a field of Texan weeds, with special FREMEN LASERS. Crop circles have become increasingly political over the years, a trend started by the KLINGONS when they carved “Bring back Arrested Development” into an Iowan corn field … Read more on Crop Circles Hate On Obama, And Martha’s Vineyard Rips Hasty Gravity Bong…
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Obama Nationalizes Puppy Care, And Uncle Berlusconi Would Like To Be With You, Alone

Creepy Italian sausage SILVIO “JUST CALL ME PAPI” BERLUSCONI cherishes his privacy. Sì, Berlusconi needs his special alone time, so he can mount meter maids and plow the dickens out of teenage models in peace. But why won’t the evil ITALIAN MEDIA respect Berlusconi’s privacy? Surely they will all be excommunicated after ruining his daughter’s birthday celebration, and also, Berlusconi’s chances of scoring with his daughter’s extremely young friends. Vaffunculo! Italy: spay this man before HANS BLIX is required to, under international law. Snipity snip snip! … Read more on Obama Nationalizes Puppy Care, And Uncle Berlusconi Would Like To Be With You, Alone…
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Stephen Hawking Has Groupies, And Leon Panetta Spoons With Congress

Mensa spokesman STEPHEN HAWKING, who would have been murdered with Zyklon B if he lived in the UK, was spotted lunching in DC with a group of EIGHT OTHER PEOPLE — one of whom was sporting an “American flag tank top.” Was Stephen enjoying a leisurely snack with the children of CAMP HAWKING, where campers hike, sing songs, finger paint, and theorize about quantum gravity and black holes? Or has Mr. Hawking befriended THE PRODIGY, who made the American flag tank top/shirt famous forever? … Read more on Stephen Hawking Has Groupies, And Leon Panetta Spoons With Congress…
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Professor Newt Pontificates, And Obama Feeds Helen Thomas Cyanide Cupcakes

Professor of Hispanic Studies NEWT GINGRICH — known in academia for his celebrated dissertation on RACIALISM — has taken on new intellectual pursuits, namely: comparing stuff, like JIMMY CARTER and BARACK OBAMA. “There are certain parallels that are kind of eerie,” says Professor Gingrich. “For example, Jimmy Carter enjoys half and half in his coffee, but Barack Obama is half and half! Jimmy Carter only served one term. And maybe Barack Obama will only serve one term, if I keep comparing him to Jimmy Carter” … Read more on Professor Newt Pontificates, And Obama Feeds Helen Thomas Cyanide Cupcakes…
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Shaq’s Slam Dunk Twitter, And The Metamorphosis Of The Very Hungry Clinton

Harlem Globegringo WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON stopped by Z Burger in Tenleytown to pick up a light snack. And what did he order? “A double burger, onion rings, french fries, an apple pie milkshake,” a piece of chocolate cake, ice cream, a pickle, Swiss cheese, some salami, a lollipop, a slice of cherry pie, a sausage, a cupcake, a watermelon and a gigantic green leaf. Then he spun himself a GREASY, DEEP-FRIED COCOON and hours later, voilà! BILL THE BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY … Read more on Shaq’s Slam Dunk Twitter, And The Metamorphosis Of The Very Hungry Clinton…
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Meghan Dusts Off Her Dueling Pistols, While Bill Nelson Testifies With His Giant Snake

Meghan McCain Twitter-biographer MEGHAN McCAIN has special maternal feelings for sexy senator LINDSEY GRAHAM (R-SC), who served with distinction as First Mate aboard the Straight Talk Express. The two were practically inseparable on the campaign trail, and during long cold nights, Lindsey would often sit on Meghan’s WARM LAP as she French-braided his GOLDEN TOUPEE. But now Meghan’s Little Lindsey-Lamb has received volleys of disrespect from conservatives for saying he might “vote Yea for WISE SOTOMAYOR-AY!” Are these smack-talkers prepared to duel Meghan, on Twitter, using TRADITIONAL FLINTLOCK BLACKBERRY MACHINES? Because that is the price they must pay, for dishonoring Lindsey Graham so thoroughly …. Read more on Meghan Dusts Off Her Dueling Pistols, While Bill Nelson Testifies With His Giant Snake…
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Liberal Heroes Bill Clinton And Matt Yglesias Woo Interns At Hippie Conference

Yesterday Your Diligent Gossip Monger spent literally hours at the CAMPUS PROGRESS NATIONAL CONFERENCE, which was held at a terrible MINOTAUR-INFESTED LABYRINTH known as the Omni Shorem Hotel. 1,400 young communists came from all corners of the Soviet Union to discuss Obama’s FIVE-YEAR PLAN and to hear HOT CELEBRITIES talk about HIP-HOP and AK47s. Too many stories, so many scandalous photographs! … Read more on Liberal Heroes Bill Clinton And Matt Yglesias Woo Interns At Hippie Conference…
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A Weight Problem In the White House, and Norm Coleman Is Evicted by His Slumlord

For years now, various people have been begging to take photographs of Arizona’s State Flower MEGHAN McCAIN posing in her girdle. Well now there’s encouraging news for horticulture enthusiasts around the globe! Meghan says she’d totally do it, except poor PAPA JOHN would probably crash another plane into VIETNAM, if he ever found out. Read more on A Weight Problem In the White House, and Norm Coleman Is Evicted by His Slumlord…
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Michele Bachmann Deflects a Bi-Curious Meteor, and Robert Gibbs Has Piercings!

Our dear friend ERIC KLEEFELD from Talking Points Memo recently wrote a provocative comic-book review, complete with professional-grade scans! Well guess what Eric? SOMEONE ELSE received a complimentary copy of False Witness: The Michele Bachmann Story, and you’re not the only one who got a fancy Epson scanner for Yom Kippur from JOSH MARSHALL …. Read more on Michele Bachmann Deflects a Bi-Curious Meteor, and Robert Gibbs Has Piercings!…