GOP
Congress Argues Over Whether Bible Allows Giving Free Food to Poors
Good news for the 15% of Americans who make up the Poors: Our elected representatives have done a close reading of the Constitution the Bible and magnanimously decided that it’s OK to give a few food stamps to poor people so they don’t starve, but not too many. Of course, it was not an open-and-shut [...]
Heritage Action Encourages GOP to Stop Doing Their Jobs
Earlier this week, the Heritage Foundation’s political activist arm, Heritage Action, actually gave some sound advice to GOP congressional leadership: “Don’t legislate,” Heritage Action said. We paraphrase: “Just go on ahead and stir up stupid asinine scandals about nothing, you are way better at that stuff.” And for once, your Wonkette wants to go on [...]
New Poll: Michele Bachmann Already Losing Her House Race
Here is an important 2014 election update brought to you by AHAHAHAHAHAHA: Michele Bachmann is trailing her Democratic challenger for her House seat by two points, according to a new survey from Public Policy Polling: The survey…shows Democrat Jim Graves leading Bachmann, a four-term congresswoman and former GOP presidential candidate, 47 percent to 45 percent. [...]
BREAKING!!1! HOUSE REPEALS OBAMACARE!!!!!!
Siren! Siren! ALL CAPS!! Politico Breaking News Email!! Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Extra! Extra! In a wild and spectacular vote, full of legislative twists and turns, with each side employing devastating knowledge of legislative procedure, the House of Representatives kept reporters, bloggers, and all 4 viewers of CSPAN sore from sitting on the edge of their [...]
Everything Turning Up Horse Poop for Michele Bachmann
Beloved nut Michele Bachmann, whom we mostly picture these days as a wee Roomba whirring around on the carpet of her House offices sucking up dropped pain pills, is having some legal problems lately. Have you heard? The chief justice of the Iowa Supreme Court will name an independent investigator to look at claims she [...]
Bright Side! Climate Change Death Spiral Will Bring Cheaper Gas, Jobs!
We are basically in an imminent death-spiral, says a new report that will probably be ignored: Senior US government officials are to be briefed at the White House this week on the danger of an ice-free Arctic in the summer within two years. Worried? Don’t be! First of all, this will mostly affect Poors and women, and [...]
Biggest Victim of Last Week Was Mark Sanford, Says Mark Sanford
Sad sex monster Mark Sanford took out a full-page ad in the Charleston Post & Courier on Sunday just to tell America: Mark Sanford knows that “it’s been a rough week.” It was a confusing time, these past days, and how about this media coverage last week, right? “The media does all of us a [...]
Pretty Sure This Arkansas Republican Calling For Shooting Of Fellow Republicans Will Claim He Meant ‘With Votes’
Well this is a nice change of pace! For once, a GOP newsletter has made its own news not by printing pictures of watermelon patches on the White House lawn, or calling for beheading Democrats, but by switching it up and calling for people to shoot fellow Republicans! We do get tired of writing the [...]
Georgia GOP Chair Worried ‘I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry’ Will Be A Real Thing
Hey remember that one movie, with the dudes, but they are straight, but they gay marry each other? It looked like it was going to be 90 minutes of gay-panic jokes, but then it was surprisingly sweet, if we recall correctly since we probably watched it on cold medicine because there is no way we [...]
Shiftless Minorities and Sluts: What Will It Take For You To Love The GOP Again?
We’ve had a good post-election run of gleeful schadenfreude watching the Republican party tear each other limb from limb trying to figure out how they lost. It is Karl Rove’s fault for not being batshit conservative enough. It is the Tea Party’s fault for running batshit conservative enough candidates. These fights have been positively popcorn-worthy, [...]
Happy Fun Gingrich Offers To Be Human Sacrifice On Donald Trump’s Dumb Teevee Show
Here is a fun marketing fact: Yr. Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho, which is among the top locations for test-marketing new products in our great nation. Apparently, we have certain demographic characterisitics (doughy, gun-fondling, dog-owning) that are useful predictors of how a new product might sell. It’s sometimes pretty obvious, when for three weeks [...]
Republicans (Maybe) Stop Beating Their Wives
Hey-o! Looks like, once again, sexxxy dreamboat John “Whisky Dick” Boehner has failed to achieve “lift-off”! In this case, once again, he has tried to placate the even-most-batshit of his brethren and then failed to pass his own bill, in his own caucus. And it looks like (maybe!) we will finally be able to answer [...]
Pew Poll Demonstrates That Americans, Republicans, Not *That* Stupid
Hey-O, who has two thumbs and isn’t as stupid as you might have been led to believe? Oh, just 62% of Americans and 35% of Republicans, who think that the Republican party has become “too extreme.” For the record, we at Wonkette think that this is SILLY. Why on Earth would anyone find this “too [...]
North Carolina GOP, Saving Poors One Lotto Ticket at a Time
Look, we give people welfare so they can put food on their family, this is a stone cold fact. Also, we allow people to declare bankruptcy to give them a temporary respite from being crushed under the bootheel of late-stage capitalism in post-regulation, free market America, also a stone cold fact. So letting Poors and [...]
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