Tag Archives: GOP

  actuarial tables are so mean

GOP Full Of Olds Who Will Die Soon, Says Science

These ladies were never part of the GOP base.
According to an article in Politico, the GOP may have a bit of a problem going into the 2016 election, and it’s not that all their candidates are morons who frighten the American people, though that is also an issue. Rather, it’s that many of the people who make up their core voting base are Olds, which means statistically, they may die before they can bring Mike Huckabee the victory his heart desires: Read more on GOP Full Of Olds Who Will Die Soon, Says Science…
  Fuckabee if you're nasty

Mike Huckabee Will Be President Of Making All The Ladies Stop Saying Gay Cusses!

Gonna teach America some manners again!
Former Arkansas governor and current traditional values hall monitor Mike Huckabee announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination for president today in Hope, Arkansas, because he is from there, just like Bill Clinton! The theme of the day was “going from Hope to Higher Ground,” because using “hope” as a theme has never been done before, by a presidential candidate from Hope, Arkansas. There was nice uplifting music, like that Tony Orlando stuff Huckabee loves, and quite unlike that whore Beyoncé music the Obamas love, which Mike Huckabee knows is from the devil. Unfortunately, Ted Nugent was not there to help Huckabee sing about bitches’ pussies, BY WHICH WE MEAN KITTY CATS. Read more on Mike Huckabee Will Be President Of Making All The Ladies Stop Saying Gay Cusses!…
  burn him

RINO Jeb Bush Thinks Poverty Might Be Part Of Baltimore’s Problem, As If

As this emotionally fraught week draws to a close in Baltimore, we must come together as a nation, as Americans, to honor the true victims of the unrest that has rattled the city. Along with the National Guardsmen who could have gotten tennis elbow from carrying all their free food and the politicians who were briefly alarmed while passing through on the train, we should bow our heads to honor the memory of Jeb Bush’s dearly departed Republicanism. Read more on RINO Jeb Bush Thinks Poverty Might Be Part Of Baltimore’s Problem, As If…
  Might as well just start all over really

Indiana Hires Fancy PR Firm To Help It Rebrand As NOT The God-Hates-Fags State

Really, you guys. Indiana is nice! Stop laughing!
Indiana’s reputation is really piss-poor these days! After becoming the target of nationwide outrage over their passage of a bullshit “religious freedom” bill that, in its original form, basically gave any person or company with Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs the right to kick gays out the door, they got to experience what it’s like to be pariahs. Sorry, Indiana GOP Christian Right weirdos — you have lost the culture war THAT MUCH, that your little futile exercise in giving yourselves special God Hates Fags rights put the state of Indiana very much at risk of losing people, investment, the state’s good name, etc. So now you have to REBRAND! Read more on Indiana Hires Fancy PR Firm To Help It Rebrand As NOT The God-Hates-Fags State…
  I was just cleaning my "gun" and it went off

NRA Convention Is Jizz-Soaked Festival Of Guns, Fear, Hillary-Hate, More Jizz

Scenes from the hotel rooms at the convention, probably.
The 2015 NRA Convention concluded this weekend in Nashville, and despite the fact that attendees were not allowed to carry their guns every single place they wanted, even if they thought they saw an ISIS or a black person, the convention reportedly went off without a hitch! Or a safety! In fact, the convention seems to have gone off in the pants of many of the speakers and attendees, but in a good way! Let’s enjoy some jizz-soaked highlights, which are the natural product of what happens when so much gun-humping happens in one place. Read more on NRA Convention Is Jizz-Soaked Festival Of Guns, Fear, Hillary-Hate, More Jizz…
  Especially if you put the homo kisses next to the Jumble!

Texas GOP Chair Just Don’t Cotton To Them ‘Angry-Looking Homosexual Women’

That guy right there, name of Tom Mechler, has been chosen to be the new head of the Texas GOP, and boy howdy, does he have some thoughts on the gays and what they’ve gone and done to civility and family values culture! The Texas Observer reports that Mechler, last March, penned himself a screed in the Amarillo Globe-News, due to an incident what had happened at the Amarillo Town Club. You see, one day a couple of lesbians marched up into the club and thought that maybe, hey, you give family discounts, we are a lesbian couple, we can have discount? The Amarillo Town Club is apparently not cool like Planet Fitness, and they said no, you cannot, we say you’re not a family. Read more on Texas GOP Chair Just Don’t Cotton To Them ‘Angry-Looking Homosexual Women’…
  Here have some Nice Time you deserve it

Nice Republicans Demand SCOTUS Give Them All The Gay Marriages

What a silly news day it has been, what with learning that Future Permanent Queen Of America Hillary Clinton still has to load one of those free AOL disks every time she wants to do either diplomacy or lunch with a foreign official, and that awful warmonger, who is not Dick Cheney, talking to Congress about how Iran will destroy Israel on Twitter, we are exhausted. Read more on Nice Republicans Demand SCOTUS Give Them All The Gay Marriages…
  Line On The Left; One Cross Each

Idaho Republicans Vote To Ban Judeo-Christian Jesus

Not actually from Idaho; might as well be
In a shocking rejection of the Lord, Idaho’s Kootenai County Republican Central Committee has refused to move forward proposed resolution to declare Idaho a “Christian state.” Tuesday night’s vote greatly disappointed God, His Only Begotten Son, and the members of the committee who had been pushing the nonbinding resolution as a way of telling the world that Idaho was not going to stand for all the vicious attacks on Christianity that have been going on everywhere. Read more on Idaho Republicans Vote To Ban Judeo-Christian Jesus…
  Numbers don't lie

SHOCKING New Poll Shows Majority Of GOP Total Idiots

At least he spells good
Brace yourselves for some stunning, shocking, jaw-dropping, too-amazing-to-believe-yet-totally-believable news! According to a new poll from PPP, the Republican Party is overflowing with morons. It’s true. In fact, it’s SCIENCE! Or MATH! Or some kind of liberal hoax thing! Read more on SHOCKING New Poll Shows Majority Of GOP Total Idiots…
  if at first you don't succeed fail fail again

GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding

Good job, asshole
Hey, Congress, you fellas all tanned, ready, and rested after that well-deserved vacation you took last week just because you guys sure do love vacation? Great, maybe you can get back to the business of doing your job and figuring out how to keep the Department of Homeland Security up and running, since funding expires this week. Sorry that didn’t solve itself while you were on vacay! Read more on GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding…
  House Investigative committees have a well-known liberal bias

Boehner: Latest Benghazi Investigation Not Trying To Hurt Hillary, We Just Like Shouting ‘Benghazi!’

Even though the Benghazi “scandal” has been investigated approximately eleventy-nine times (seven to be specific), and even though the Republican-controlled House Intelligence Committee did their OWN investigation, and all seven of these investigations found absolutely no scandal, you are probably aware that the Republican House is currently investigating Benghazi for an eighth time. Why? Well obviously, dum-dum, because House Republican investigatin’ committees have a WELL KNOWN LIBERAL BIAS, and they just know that Republicans are trying to hide the facts about what REALLY happened in Benghazi, from themselves! Of course, we completely know what happened in Benghazi, except that NO WE DO NOT, let’s keep asking the same things until we get the answers we want, at which point, INPEACH! Read more on Boehner: Latest Benghazi Investigation Not Trying To Hurt Hillary, We Just Like Shouting ‘Benghazi!’…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Moves Lips About Abortion, Lies Ensue. Surprise!

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Usually, Yr Wonket has some discretion regarding which Palin-flavored entrees we will shove down your throats each weekend on the Fartknocker Report. Unfortunately, this was one of those weeks when the Tundra Grifter couldn’t be bothered to do more than one take for a single two-minute-long video. So open wide, we guess, because here comes Sarah to misrepresent some facts about the House’s recent abortion bill. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Moves Lips About Abortion, Lies Ensue. Surprise!…
  Bumblin' Stumblin' Fumblin'

New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation

Thank god somebody has some fresh thinking!
Back in November, Idea Men John Boehner and Mitch McConnell conserva-splained at America how they would fix Congress now that they’d won the midterms. These Bold, Robust Ideas were intended to unite the party and carry forward the Will of the People, who had Spoken in November. Read more on New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation…
  If Obama hadn't done it none of this would be a problem

GOP So Mad Obama Failed To Plan For GOP Destruction Of Obamacare

The other day we introduced you all to our new favorite people, the World Net Daily-style commenters recruited as plaintiffs in the latest Republican lawsuit to destroy Obamacare forever and ever. The case is called King v. Burwell, and it’s a complex lawsuit, but let’s try to spell it out: Under the Affordable Care Act, subsidies are provided to qualifying people in order to help them pay for their insurance, and they are provided by state insurance exchanges, and in states that were too lazy/wingnut to set up said exchanges, the federal government handles the subsidies. Read more on GOP So Mad Obama Failed To Plan For GOP Destruction Of Obamacare…
  We Have Always Been At War With Climate Science

House GOP Posts SOTU Video With Climate Stuff Magically Erased

The transcript also appears to have been altered
Here’s a fun little bit of political ratfucking (not really, it’s totally an accident!): When the House Republican website posted a version of Tuesday’s State of the Union address, with Republican talking points popping up to reply to each point President Obama made, the posted version of the speech left out at least two significant portions of the speech, deleting almost everything about global warming: Read more on House GOP Posts SOTU Video With Climate Stuff Magically Erased…
  grift is a very big thought indeed

Ben Carson Shilled Scam AIDS And Cancer Cures For 10 Years, Will Be Your Next President Obvs

grift is a very big thought indeed
Just how much clownery do you need to completely obliterate the good will you built up from starting a foundation to do brain surgery for poor kids? How much pure nonsense does a trailblazing brain surgeon need to peddle to convince the world that he is venal and/or not very smart? Dr. Ben Carson, 2016 GOP presidential nomination hopeful/flirt, isn’t entirely sure, but being a student of the scientific method, he is apparently extremely determined to find out. Read more on Ben Carson Shilled Scam AIDS And Cancer Cures For 10 Years, Will Be Your Next President Obvs…
  Lifestyle Pages

Mitt Romney Meets With Old Campaign Chums For No Special Reason, Why Do You Ask?

Mitt Romney gives a lecture about 2016 election at Stanford University. Pic by Stelio Ropokis via Twitter Mitt Romney has been keeping busy since our wayward nation made the biggest mistake of her life by walking away from the blissful comfort of his mechanical, Downy-scented embrace two years ago. Mitt is the forgiving type and has remained in the background of our political lives, just being our friend, because he would hate to think he and the American voters couldn’t be friends anymore. And he’s been meeting up with some of his best buds who, by total coincidence, played integral roles in his last run for president, just to say hi. Read more on Mitt Romney Meets With Old Campaign Chums For No Special Reason, Why Do You Ask?…
  Congressional Calvinball

New GOP Congress Pretty Sure All You ‘Disabled’ ‘Folks’ Are Fakers Anyway, So Suck It

He's in charge here
The new 114th Congress, sworn in just yesterday, included in its rules a measure that appears designed to force an ugly and wholly unnecessary showdown over Social Security in 2016. For the voters have spoken, and they demand more ugly, unnecessary showdowns! Read more on New GOP Congress Pretty Sure All You ‘Disabled’ ‘Folks’ Are Fakers Anyway, So Suck It…
  In With The New

Meet Your New Michele Bachmann, Same As Your Old Michele Bachmann

Image via KARE video While Yr Wonkette joins the rest of the nation in mourning the loss of Rep. Michele Bachmann’s unique brand of political wisdom, we look forward to the arrival of her Republican successor in the House of Representatives, former talk radio host and failed gubernatorial candidate Tom Emmer. Read more on Meet Your New Michele Bachmann, Same As Your Old Michele Bachmann…