Wonkette

In little more than a month, the glut of political insiders and media types that preside over Washington D.C. will all squeeze into a single cardboard box and be dropped from the Enola Gay onto Denver, leveling the city entirely and offering radiation cancer for generations of future re-colonizers. And to make our Washingtonian invaders feel more comfortable during their Democratic National Convention, Denver officials are currently trying to replicate the invaders’ hometown with measures designed to eliminate anything fun, anywhere in the city. So yesterday, a team of FBI and “Denver Metro Gang Task Force” agents arrested 27 members of the city’s “Asian Pride” gang and confiscated its cache of over 10,000 Ecstasy tablets. Tragically, there will be no Ecstasy in Denver this August. MORE »

SUCKER: “FBI agents on Tuesday raided the offices of Special Counsel Scott J. Bloch, who oversees protection for federal whistleblowers. The agents seized computers and shut down email service as part of an obstruction of justice probe.” [NPR]

As America mourns the suspicious death of “D.C. Madam” Deborah Jeane Palfrey and gives up hope that anyone or anything can bring down Dick Cheney (or even David Vitter), let’s look back in anger at other recent suspicious suicides involving Our Federal Government. Did you know one of Palfrey’s escort-service contractor ladies also supposedly hanged herself? And what about all these FBI targets and mysterious CIA agents meeting weird, tragic ends? WTF, people, WTF? MORE »

Anibal Acevedo Vila, the “governor” of Puerto Rico (the island, not the New York City), has been indicted by U.S. authorities for “18 counts in a long-running campaign finance probe.” Apparently this is one of those things that the United States runs in Puerto Rico, the home of the third-to-last Democratic primary/caucus on June 3. Another 12 officials — all members of the “Popular Democratic Party” — have been charged along with the governor and are “accused of running a conspiracy to illegally raise money to pay off Acevedo’s campaign debts in 2000.” Christ, if that’s the case, we better put the whole FBI/CIA/DOJ/DOD/NBA on these sick motherfuckers, and then have a Surge. [AP/Google] MORE »

Bassem Youssef used to play by the rules. As an FBI agent, he help coordinate the investigation into the first World Trade Center bombing; he infiltrated Sheik Omar Abdul Rahman’s terror organization in an undercover operation; and he worked out of the U.S. Embassy in Saudi Arabia coordinating the FBI’s relationship with 7 other countries. But, then, because there are so many incompetents at the FBI with foriegn-y sounding names (and several without), he got mistaken for someone who sucked and taken off important stuff. After that, it was a downhill slide for Bassem, right into the loving and subversive arms of the American Library Association.

MORE »

GOOD-BYE, CROOK! Dirty little Congressman John Doolittle is retiring from the House, GOP spies said today. But you can’t retire from being the target of a massive corruption investigation! [AP/Yahoo]

START YOUR TERRORIST PHONE CALLS AGAIN, EVERYBODY! The FBI is broke and can’t afford to eavesdrop on all of our personal calls and instant messages and emails and everything, so let’s get back to that secret terror project to blow up Mars. [AP/Google]

Congressman John Doolittle of California — Tom DeLay’s scumbag buddy who took a bunch of dirty money from Jack Abramoff — might be wussing out after all. Doolittle’s chief of staff denies it, but the re-election campaign is already almost broke and he nearly lost his 4th District “safe seat” in the ‘06 midterms that swept away his crooked sweetheart Richard Pombo, from California’s 11th District. [TPM Muckraker, Politico, OpenSecrets]

The FBI subpoenaed as many as 10 associates for Al Sharpton yesterday, demanding financial records dating back to 2001. According to some source who talked to the New York Daily News, “The FBI and IRS are investigating whether Sharpton improperly misstated the amount of money he raised during his 2004 White House run to illegally obtain federal matching funds.” This is all well and good, but can’t we prosecute someone a little more important, for something a little more devious? [NYDN]

Attorney General Mukasey announced today that the FBI had added more than 220,000 crazy people to its list of people prohibited from owning guns that gun dealers are supposed to check - since June. Only 28 states currently provide the FBI with any data about dangerously mentally ill people who probably shouldn’t be toting guns around. [Washington Post]