Tag Archives: fbi

  Why does he hate America ALLEGEDLY?

Disgraced Gen. Petraeus Might Go To Prison For Being A Sexytime SPY!

The Truth is Out There (in his pants)
Don’t you just hate when you get caught sexing a lady what is not your wife and pillow-talking all of America’s classified secrets to her? Oh, you don’t do that? Then you are not ex-hero Gen. David Petraeus, who used to be America’s greatest patriot for winning ALL THE WARS and then being the boss of the CIA until resigning in disgrace for, oops, being a total disgrace to his country and himself, OOPS! Read more on Disgraced Gen. Petraeus Might Go To Prison For Being A Sexytime SPY!…
  Wouldn't A Strongly Worded Letter Have Been Enough?

All Muslims Everywhere Murder French Satirists; Lone Wolf Acting Alone ‘Bombs’ NAACP, Alone

the very definition of 'milling around'
We’ve got all sorts of international and domestic terrorism for you this morning; please make use of kitten photos as needed. In Paris Tuesday, 12 people were shot to death at a satirical newspaper that had frequently run cartoons making fun of Islam: Read more on All Muslims Everywhere Murder French Satirists; Lone Wolf Acting Alone ‘Bombs’ NAACP, Alone…
  Like a Boy

Congressfelon Michael Grimm Realizes God Wants Him To Resign After All

Rep. Michael Grimm, felonious tax-evader and media relations expert, announced his intention to resign from Congress, after insisting only a week ago that he would NOT resign, despite pleading guilty, according to a late-breaking report from the New York Daily News on Monday. Softening the blow for the few remaining Grimm groupies, he’ll be staying in office until Jan. 5, allowing him to put “2015” as an end date on his resume and have a bitchin’ New Year’s party in his office since he probably won’t be getting the deposit back anyway. Read more on Congressfelon Michael Grimm Realizes God Wants Him To Resign After All…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Did The CIA Really Need To Do All That Torture To Protect America? (Video)

Might be making an excellent point about something, might be a Motown back-up singer
In his press conference on the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on torture, CIA Director John Brennan acknowledged that interrogators did some things that were “abhorrent and rightly should be repudiated by all,” but also explained that it was a crazy time and everybody was just doing the best they could to Protect America. Read more on Morning Maddow: Did The CIA Really Need To Do All That Torture To Protect America? (Video)…
  How Toxic's The Water Mama?

Scummy West Virginia-Poisoning CEO Charged With Fraud, Aggravated Dickishness

He's had an extremely hard day.
Remember that li’l ol’ chemical storage plant that leaked a metric shit ton of toxic coal-washing chemicals into West Virginia’s Elk River back in January? And how the CEO of the company responsible for the spill went on teevee and swigged nice clean bottled water while refusing to answer reporters’ questions, because he had had a long difficult day and was very tired, so sorry, please leave him alone, OK? Read more on Scummy West Virginia-Poisoning CEO Charged With Fraud, Aggravated Dickishness…
  Letters Of...Holy Shit!

FBI Tried To Slut-Shame Martin Luther King Into Suicide in 1964

The billboards didn't work either
A truly astonishing historical document was released Tuesday: A 1964 letter sent by the FBI to Martin Luther King, attempting to blackmail him with the release of surveillance tapes of his scandalous sexxytimes. Read more on FBI Tried To Slut-Shame Martin Luther King Into Suicide in 1964…
  Here have some news n stuff

You Know Who Else Worked With The Nazis? America, That’s Who.

Which one's the moderate?
Here’s a nifty little tale about that time the United States government worked with Nazis — actual Nazis, not the hyperbolic “Obama is just like Hitler” kind. In the decades after World War II, the C.I.A. and other United States agencies employed at least a thousand Nazis as Cold War spies and informants and, as recently as the 1990s, concealed the government’s ties to some still living in America, newly disclosed records and interviews show. Read more on You Know Who Else Worked With The Nazis? America, That’s Who….
  Deepest Sympathies For Your Being Black

Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)

May this face haunt Robert Benchley's dreams forever
UPDATE: A spokeswoman for Gov. Bentley has offered an explanation; see end of post. Hiawayi Robinson, of Pritchard, Alabama, a small city on the north side of Mobile, was looking forward to turning nine years old next week. On Tuesday, Hiawayi had talked to her father on the phone about what she wanted for her birthday (a laptop computer) and told him that she was going downstairs to see if her cousin was home. She never came back. Read more on Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)…
  as far from nice time as it gets

White People Pretty Mad About Ferguson, Missouri, Looting. Black People Pretty Mad Boy Was Murdered By Cop.

Update: Everything's still terrible
Get ready for another thoughtful National Conversation On Race, which will go something like this: Person A: “A cop shot 18-year-old Michael Brown to death, although Brown wasn’t armed. I don’t buy the story that Brown just attacked as the cop was trying to get out of his car.” Person B: “Yeah, but the police don’t just shoot people for no reason, and Brown was dressed like a thug. Also, there was a riot after a “prayer vigil” last night, which just shows you These People are animals.” Person A: “At least we can agree that the facts are not all in yet.” Person B: “You’re absolutely right. I bet there’s all sorts of Facebook stuff showing that Brown liked violent rap music.” Read more on White People Pretty Mad About Ferguson, Missouri, Looting. Black People Pretty Mad Boy Was Murdered By Cop….
  sportsballers in the news

Obama Persecuting Hero Golf-Ball-Man Phil Mickelson For Standing Up For Poor Millionaires

Golfing-man Phil Mickelson has appeared in these pages before, not for his achievements in the sport of golf-balling, but rather for his excellence in the sport of being a mouthy, whiny Ayn Randian cock-nozzle about the terrible, terrible burden of subsisting on the measly $25 or $30 million a year he earns after taxes because successful millionaires are so badly punished by our nation’s regressive tax structure. Oops, excuse us, another roach just scuttled across the floor of the crappy studio that is the best our measly freelance writer salary can afford… Okay, cockroach has been killed and eaten for breakfast. Where were we? Oh right, Phil Mickelson, whiny multi-millionaire, who is now being investigated for possible insider trading. Couldn’t happen to a nicer schmuck. Read more on Obama Persecuting Hero Golf-Ball-Man Phil Mickelson For Standing Up For Poor Millionaires…
  shut up narc

US Senator Jeff Sessions Is A Buzzkill And A Total Narc

Oh noes! The nation’s top Law Enforcement Officer made a joke about weed! Doesn’t he know that pot kills and that it is NO LAUGHING MATTER? What is our once-great nation even coming to when the FBI Director can say something as horrible and shocking as the thing that was said in a hearing by James Comey on Monday! Explaining that the Bureau is having a hard time recruiting “white hat” hackers to fight cybercrime, Comey admitted that the FBI was “grappling with the question” of whether to loosen the restriction on hiring people who have ever smoked the Devil Weed, and even joked — joked!!!!! — that some of the prospective job candidates “want to smoke weed on the way to the interview.” And yet, instead of being cool with it, and maybe even doing some lines (hah!) from the classic “Dave’s not here” routine, Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions had to go and be a total narc about it. Read more on US Senator Jeff Sessions Is A Buzzkill And A Total Narc…
  something something cannoli

Al Sharpton Denies He Was Ever A Matinee Hero Mob Informant For The FBI

Yesterday, The Smoking Gun published a ninety-zillion word story on Al Sharpton’s time as an FBI informant who spent several years helping the bureau — oh, sorry, The Bureau — get leads on Mafia figures in the Genovese crime family, even using a wired briefcase to record conversations. And yet, despite the marketability of such an exciting narrative, Sharpton has so far disputed much of the Smoking Gun’s story, and denies that he was an informant, insisting that he was actually the victim of threats from organized crime, and that therefore the limited cooperation that he gave the FBI didn’t count as “informing,” and no way was he an “informant.” We can’t for the life of us imagine why any public figure would want to deny their role in investigating the criminal activities of the mob, really. Read more on Al Sharpton Denies He Was Ever A Matinee Hero Mob Informant For The FBI…
  sovereign shitheads

Tennessee ‘Sovereign Citizen’ Liberates People From All Their Worthless Federal Money

If, like Yr Doktor Zoom, you’re a connoisseur of conspiracy loons, you are of course familiar with the weirdo “sovereign citizen” crowd, who believe that they aren’t subject to the false laws of the fake American government, that typing their names in all caps has magical properties, and that their only allegiance is to the real U.S. Constitution, which was somehow perverted by the adoption of the 14th Amendment or some such nonsense. There are many variations on the theme, but they pretty much just don’t want to pay taxes or be subject to any laws they don’t like, which is most of them. So anyhow, here is a teevee report from Nashville’s channel 4 about a nice gentleman named Mark Manuel, of Franklin, Tennessee, who was convicted in federal court in February along with two others, in a multi-million-dollar scheme to “eliminate” people’s debts through a bunch of phony legal filings — all the debtors had to do was hand over a whole lot more money to the trio, who promised to use secret federal accounts to pay off the debts. As a result, a lot of people took out credit card advances or second mortgages to pay the bogus fees, and several victims ended up losing everything; the three ripped off at least 250 people nationwide. And of course, even though federal money is worthless, the group happily accepted it from their victims. Isn’t sovereignty a beautiful thing? Read more on Tennessee ‘Sovereign Citizen’ Liberates People From All Their Worthless Federal Money…
  tong kiss

FBI Affidavit In Leland Yee Case Makes Pretty Good Movie Pitch

The strange case of Leland Yee, the Democratic California state Senator charged with bribery and corruption and general terribleness Wednesday, lends itself to media analogies. The Escapist decided Yee was a character from Grand Theft Auto, which works nicely with his previous attempt to ban the sale of violent videogames to minors. San Francisco Magazine thinks he’s more like Clay Davis from The Wire. And all we can think is that he’s like some kind of Coen Brothers character — and what he really needs is for Marge Gunderson to give him a good talking-to and let him know just what an idiot he’s been, all for some money. There’s more to life than money, doesn’t he know that? We’ll confess we haven’t read every single word of the 137-page FBI affidavit [PDF link] in the case, but it’s pretty wild stuff. Let’s look at some highlights! Please add your casting, screenwriter, and director suggestions in the comments. Read more on FBI Affidavit In Leland Yee Case Makes Pretty Good Movie Pitch…
  smallotry

Reminder: Rights Of Muslim Citizens Still Routinely Trampled In United States

That’s yr Wonkette’s shoulder and neck in the extreme right foreground. The ox-man in the flag polo was trying to steal our sign!   It seems like only yesterday that we could hardly believe some of the awful things people were doing to Muslims in the United States 2,000+ years after JC met his bio dad. But lately the big news has been “Gays win” and “Pot smokers win” and “Blacks still get murdered a lot” and “Mass shootings” and “IRS Ben Gozzi Obamacare!” That one is kinda Muslim, but we are talking about the quotidian traumas of being viewed as enemies by your own neighbors and government. These stories have lately been absent from the National Conversation, but have they been absent from real life? Read more on Reminder: Rights Of Muslim Citizens Still Routinely Trampled In United States…
  girl you lookin so fein

CIA Screwed Up So Bad That Biggest Fangirl Dianne Feinstein Yelling At Them Now (VIDEO)

Yeah yeah, we know, it’s just so hypocritical of iconic Bond girl Dianne Feinstein to suddenly be acting all hotted up about domestic spying now that she’s the one getting domestic spied on. It’s very ironic and so on, but that’s not the important thing. The important thing is: If you are someone who wants a new Church Committee to ram home a deep, broad, penetrating probe of CIA, NSA, FBI, and all the rest, you should be happy. The chances of that happening just got a lot better. And boy, it’s about time. To us, the most striking thing about this whole affair has not been the accusations against the CIA, but rather just how badly they’ve handled themselves in response. It’s like when you catch a kid with his hand in the cookie jar, and his reaction is to yell “FUCK YOU! My hand was not in the cookie jar, and even if it was it’s none of your fucking business! DO YOU HEAR ME I WILL CUT YOU! I WILL SHIT IN YOUR SHOES!” In other words, the CIA is very much like Justin Bieber or a 19-year-old son. Read more on CIA Screwed Up So Bad That Biggest Fangirl Dianne Feinstein Yelling At Them Now (VIDEO)…
  real conspiracies are just sad

Georgia Militia Dudes Arrested Trying To Buy Bombs; Sadly, No Dildos Or Tranny* Porn

Oh, hai there, militia guys, how goes the Second American Revolution these days? Not so great, huh, what with getting arrested just for trying to buy some pipe bombs and thermite grenades? Bummer. These three super-Patriot militia guys from Georgia — Brian Cannon, Cory Williamson, and the seriously misnamed Terry Eugene Peace — are just not going to get the chance to water the Tree of Liberty this time, since they got themselves arrested on February 15. Instead, they were charged in federal court last week. The three heroes had been reported to the FBI after participating in online discussions about attacking government targets, and then Mr. Peace asked a “cooperating witness” to sell them explosives. Sadly, this time around, the genius freedom fighters did not have any remote-controlled pink dildos or “Tranny Hunter” DVDs. We truly are suffering from a poorer grade of domestic terrorist these days. Read more on Georgia Militia Dudes Arrested Trying To Buy Bombs; Sadly, No Dildos Or Tranny* Porn…
  zuzu's petals--of subversion!

History Shocker! Ayn Rand Helped FBI Find Communist Influence In ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’

Before War On Christmas 2013 fades into memory, let’s take a look at how the FBI examined a Christmas Classic for evidence of communist propaganda. According to a nifty article in Aphelis, Frank Capra’s tale of the redemptive power of sentimental glurge was listed as potentially subversive, as part of a widespread investigation into alleged communist influence in Hollywood — as if anyone needed to investigate such an obvious fact, haw haw! Read more on History Shocker! Ayn Rand Helped FBI Find Communist Influence In ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’…