Tag Archives: fbi

  Set Phasers To 'DUMB'

KKK Dude Wanted To Unleash Death Ray Against Muslims, Including Obama

And his application to the Evil League Of Evil was going so well...
And his application to the Evil League Of Evil was going so well… You have probably been wondering for YEARS (a bit over two of them, to be precise) what happened to those idiots in upstate New York who were arrested for planning to use a Radiation Death Ray to wipe out Muslims, haven’t you? We know we had vaguely thought of it at least once since Glendon Crawford and Eric Feight were arrested in 2013 for their plan to throw deadly radiation from the back of a truck at a mosque and a Muslim school, and thus strike a blow against Islamic Radicalism in the USA. Well, one of the genius mad scientists, Crawford, is finally on trial, and his lawyer is arguing that undercover government agents entrapped him and pushed him into playing Radiation Terrorist. His pal Feight pleaded guilty in 2014 and may or may not testify against Crawford. Read more on KKK Dude Wanted To Unleash Death Ray Against Muslims, Including Obama…
  People different from us

Alleged Prep School Rapist Only Did It Because There Was A School Sex Contest, Probably

What you're SUPPOSED to do in boarding school.
What you’re SUPPOSED to do in boarding school. Oh, to be back at boarding school! Mumsy and Popsy would seldom visit, and even then, only to meet with the headmaster about which one of our family names would christen the new Humanities building. And what fun we all had! Pulling pranks down by the old river bend, Spirit Week contests where we’d all dress up like cheerleaders, and best of all, the Senior Fucking Contest, where all the senior boys would engage in a mighty endurance competition to see who could do the most fucking to the underclassmen. Oh how St. Paul’s School in New Hampshire did prepare us for storied careers in finance, industry, government and WAIT A MINUTE, did we just type “Senior Fucking Contest”? Read more on Alleged Prep School Rapist Only Did It Because There Was A School Sex Contest, Probably…
  Worst Honeymoon EVER

Sad Mississippi Lovebirds Just Wanted ISIS Honeymoon Of Their Dreams, Is That Wrong?

THOSE CRAZY KIDS!
THOSE CRAZY KIDS! KIDS THESE DAYS. These two crazy Mississippi kids, Jaelyn Delshaun Young and Muhammad Oka Dakhlalla, had it all, or so they thought. They were in love, they got married, they had planned to fake a honeymoon but instead go fight with ISIS in Syria, they picked out this cute little house on the outskirts of town with a white picket, WAIT WHAT? Why you gotta do ISIS, y’all? What about “the beach” or “France” or “oh fuck it, we’re poor, let’s just drive to Memphis for the weekend?” Ugh, you idiots: Read more on Sad Mississippi Lovebirds Just Wanted ISIS Honeymoon Of Their Dreams, Is That Wrong?…
  Have fun in jail

Disgraced Former Rep. And Roid-Rager Michael Grimm Going To Pokey, For Tax Criming

Michael Grimm, tax cheat
Remember Michael Grimm? Probably not, but we will remind you. He was a Republican congressman from New York that one time, until he had to resign because of how he didn’t report of all his wages and revenue and kinda sorta filed fake tax documents for his restaurant, Healthalicious, OOPS, which is UNLEGAL, as a former FBI agent should probably know. First he was all like, “Nah, I did not cheat on my taxes, because I am a moral man, a man of integrity, so I would never — ah, damnit, OK, you caught me, yeah I did that, I am guilty. But I will not resign from Congress, and you can’t make me!” Read more on Disgraced Former Rep. And Roid-Rager Michael Grimm Going To Pokey, For Tax Criming…
  'Heartbreaking' Is Bad Now?

Four Marines Murdered By ISIS, Or Maybe Just Lone Wolf With Muslimy Name, Who Knows?

Four people were murdered, and another three injured, at two military sites in Chattanooga, Tennessee, on Thursday, by a man identified by the FBI as Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez. The FBI cautioned that “it would be premature to speculate on the motives of the shooter at this time,” but come ON, just look at that name, would ya? What more do you need to know? Read more on Four Marines Murdered By ISIS, Or Maybe Just Lone Wolf With Muslimy Name, Who Knows?…
  Oh hey here's some gross news

Subway’s Jared Lost A Lot of Weight, Gained A Lot Of Child Porn (Allegedly)

Hey bro, you wouldn't happen to be HIDING ANYTHING would you?
Good morning, have you had your healthy 6-inch Subway sandwich today? Well Jared Fogle, who lost so many pounds at Subway he became its spokesperson, probably hasn’t, because his house was raided Tuesday morning, on account of so much kiddie porn: Read more on Subway’s Jared Lost A Lot of Weight, Gained A Lot Of Child Porn (Allegedly)…
  Here Is The Church Here Is The Steeple...Damn!

African American Churches Sure Burning Down A Lot, Probably War on Christians

Yes, we know none of the churches were in Mississippi. But YOU try finding a movie called 'Georgia,Tennessee, Florida and Both Carolinas Burning'
This is a bad thing: Six African American churches have been burned, since the June 17 murders of nine people at Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, and arson is suspected in at least three of the fires. The FBI and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives are investigating, and while there’s no evidence yet that the fires are connected (and accidental causes are suspected in two fires), four Southern black churches burning within a week of a racist murder seems statistically unlikely to be pure random chance. Read more on African American Churches Sure Burning Down A Lot, Probably War on Christians…
  Ha ... ha ... groan

Ted Cruz Tells Another Appropriate Well-Timed Joke, This Time About Guns Ha Ha Ha

Hoo boy, that Ted Cruz sure is a funny guy. While he is too big a coward to take a position on the Confederate flag and whether it should continue to fly on the grounds of South Carolina’s state capitol (hint: it should not), he’s not at all afraid to crack some “jokes” about gun control at a town hall meeting in Red Oak, Iowa: Read more on Ted Cruz Tells Another Appropriate Well-Timed Joke, This Time About Guns Ha Ha Ha…
  Maybe your heritage is bad and you should feel bad

Lindsey Graham Says Being Confederate Loser Racists Is Just Part Of Who We Are, Y’all

First they came for the biathletes and I said nothing...
Southern gentleman Lindsey Graham would like all y’all to kindly leave his state of South Carolina and its proud heritage alone. Sure, some people think it’s despicable that the Confederate freak flag still flies over the state capitol — because the South shall rise again, or at least spend more than a century being real damn bitter about that time it got its ass kicked by the United States and couldn’t have slaves anymore, BOO HOO, and then it was forced to integrate its pools and schools, so unfair. Read more on Lindsey Graham Says Being Confederate Loser Racists Is Just Part Of Who We Are, Y’all…
  fuck this guy

Jeb Bush Doesn’t Wanna Believe Racist Murderer Is Racist, And You Can’t Make Him

Why do nobody think I smarts?
It really is OK to say that the massacre of nine African Americans in their church was a racially motivated hate crime. How do we know? Because Dylann Roof, the confessed murderer, said so. There’s no need to speculate about what, besides race, might have motivated him to join a Bible study group for an hour, at the historical Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina, on Wednesday night, and then shoot almost everyone dead, gladly leaving a survivor to tell the world what he’d done and why. Race is the answer, according to the guy who did it. Asked and answered, the end. Read more on Jeb Bush Doesn’t Wanna Believe Racist Murderer Is Racist, And You Can’t Make Him…
  Maybe it's a post-racial hate crime

Dylann Roof Confesses To Murdering 9 To Start Race War, Real Motive Still Unknown

Confederate flag plates just a coincidence
Perhaps now we can stop looking for some way to explain how a young white man murdering nine people in a black church — after telling his victims he was there to kill black people and “you have to go” — was not really about race: Read more on Dylann Roof Confesses To Murdering 9 To Start Race War, Real Motive Still Unknown…
  A Shot In the Derp

New Study: No, Dear, The Answer Isn’t More Guns

Not much of a deterrent to crime, but kawaii as anything
Writing for a politics blog is weird. Yr Dok Zoom had just finished saving an earlier version of this piece Wednesday night when he opened a beer and decided to look at Twitter before heading to bed. That wasn’t such a great idea, in terms of sleeping well. And so we shall reframe what had just been an interesting bit of research into a direct reply to the geniuses who know, deep in their hearts, that when two or more are gathered in God’s name, at least one must be carrying a gun, and then mass shootings would be even rarer than they actually are. Read more on New Study: No, Dear, The Answer Isn’t More Guns…
  The Boy Wonkettes say this IS TOO important Kaili!

Houston Astros Hacked, Maybe Should Change Password To Something Better Than ‘LOLSPORTS’

Is nothing sacred?
In the Very Serious Business of grown men playing games, for money, here is another shocking tale of corruption in sports. This time, it’s our nation’s favorite pastime, as wholesome and pure and all-American as mom’s apple pie or getting knocked up in the back of Ford pick-up. (If you ignore a century of other impure Major League Baseball scandals, that is.) Read more on Houston Astros Hacked, Maybe Should Change Password To Something Better Than ‘LOLSPORTS’…
  sluts sluts sluts

Oh Hey There’s A Shark In The Middle Of The Road, Guess The State: Your Florida Roundup

Actually set in Florida, true story
Let us take a break from the perpetual celebration of the arrival of Editrix Jr., our future overlord, peace be upon her, to remind ourselves that all is not so precious and beautiful in the world, and places like Florida still exist. To wit: Where the fuck else would you find a headline like this? Read more on Oh Hey There’s A Shark In The Middle Of The Road, Guess The State: Your Florida Roundup…
  Worser and worser

This Lady Says Sick Bastard Denny Hastert Molested The Hell Out Of Her Brother In High School

Sick fuck if true
Remember when we told you the story of the indictment of former Speaker of the House Denny Hastert, for allegedly paying hush money to cover up his sexual abuse of a former student known only as “Individual A,” was only going to get worse? It’s worse. Read more on This Lady Says Sick Bastard Denny Hastert Molested The Hell Out Of Her Brother In High School…
  we can say it out loud now

Yep, Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Paid Hush Money To Cover Up Kid-Diddling. ALLEGEDLY.

Not actually Denny Hastert
So yeah. The dark secret not detailed in the indictment against former Republican House Speaker Denny Hastert, for allegedly agreeing to pay “Individual A” $3.5 million to keep his dark secret a secret and lying to the FBI about it? The details of which U.S. Attorney Zachary T. Fardon agreed to omit from the indictment for reasons we cannot begin to imagine? Well, according to the L.A. Times, Hastert’s secret is that he a sick son of a bitch whose “prior misconduct” was sexually abusing someone who’d known Hastert most of his life (a former student, maybe?), back in his coaching and teaching days, before he became a member of Congress: Read more on Yep, Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Paid Hush Money To Cover Up Kid-Diddling. ALLEGEDLY….