Wonkette

According to a new book from the Racist New Yorker’s Jane Mayer, Dick Cheney became the leading hawk in the White House after 9/11 because he thought the terrorists had successfully poisoned him with anthrax: “On Oct. 18, 2001, a White House alarm went off indicating that sensors had detected dangerous levels of radioactive, chemical or biological agents. According to Mayer, anyone who had entered the White House situation room, including Cheney, had been exposed. ‘They thought Cheney was already lethally infected,’ said a former administration officer who had kept the White House secret until now, according to the book.” Seven years after the scare, and hypochondriac Dick Cheney still cannot defeat each individual Muslim germ that he pretends is killing him. [ABC News]

Hey did you hear about the latest Iranian provocation staged by the GOP so Cheney and Special Nuclear Commander John McCain can nuke half the planet on November 3? Well don’t worry, because at least one of the allegedly tested missiles was crappily photoshopped by the Iranian Revolutionary WoW Photoshoppers Guild. The bogus picture was on just about every newspaper front page the other day, so now all the old people who still get the paper are jabbering about four missiles instead of three, the end. (Thanks to Wonkette operative Ura G. for the Dummies cover.)

In an Iranian Image, a Missile Too Many [NYT The Lede]

So what’s been going on with our greatest Vice President, Richard “Dick” Cheney, since we last spoke? Nothing much, just some new revelations about Cheney bein’ Cheney, hatin’ on the environment and such. In this latest news cycle, we have the tale of that time Cheney’s office once edited out six pages of the CDC director’s testimony to Congress regarding this: “CDC considers climate change a serious public health concern.” Silly egotistical CDC director. She’s obviously one of those people who gets pissed when her editors shake things up a bit — cutting commas, switching grafs, deleting major theses about climate change killing everyone, correcting split infinitives even if they do “sound” better. Any editor has dealt with these twits. We sympathize, Dick. [Washington Post]

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan testified in Congress today about his terrible book, What Happened When I Did Yo Mama, and told them that President Bush may have vaguely possibly ordered former chief of staff Andy Card to order McClellan to deny I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby XVII’s involvement in leaking Valerie Plame’s name, to the press. At least there is “suspicion” Bush and Cheney were involved, somehow, McClellan thinks. Scott McClellan is very Important for this. [AP]

It is no surprise that John McCain loves Dick Cheney, ever since their halcyon days of fighting in the Vietnam War, without being captured, saving Jesus from the Commies, together, while on heroin. Just kidding, they were both in some form of jail during Vietnam — one for DWIs, the other for being a failed pilot. But would McCain “use” Cheney in his fake administration, or would he be so foolish as to dismiss Our Vice President’s cosmic approval ratings? MORE »

He probably raised the bills just high enough to be out of reach for a 12-year-old Thai slaveboy. Sexistracist. [TwinCities.com]

In his best move as vice president since that time he shot an old man in the face with a shotgun, Dick Cheney joked about West Virginian hillbilly incest today at the National Press Club. And now everyone in West Virginia is pissed beyond belief at the vice president, whose long record of lookin’ out for the little man and his farm now comes into question. MORE »

George W. Bush has two great ambitions in life: to be the president of Major League Baseball, and to bomb Iran. He will accomplish the second in his waning days in public office before retiring and turning his attention to the very important task of running the sport of baseball into the ground. MORE »

The Today show’s Meredith Vieira got herself a real Scoop today, as Lynne Cheney offered her a tour of 1 Observatory Circle, the vice president’s residence. Look at where Cheney brunches and sups! Where he sits! They have a moose sculpture! And a sunny masturbatorium! [MSNBC]

Thanks to commenter queeraselvis for pointing out that Greg Davis, the GOP candidate in a special election to fill an open Mississippi House seat, will enlist the Dark Lord himself, Dick Cheney, to campaign the day before next Tuesday’s election. Cheney, of course, is the polar opposite of Barack Obama, the #1 terrorist and cheerleader of Davis’ opponent Travis Childers. When asked about Cheney’s emergency involvement, Childers said nothing. Childers rarely says anything about anything, because he is a member of the radical liberal Democrat party. Watch this: TRAVIS CHILDERS WEARS WOMEN’S UNDERGARMENTS! We can write that since Travis Childers is incapable of denying it, because he says nothing. [Commercial Appeal]