Racist television goblin Lou Dobbs revealed a very scary story earlier this week on his radio show (he’s on the radio, too?). Three weeks earlier, he claimed, his New Jersey mansion was shot at while his wife was standing outside, and this came after “weeks and weeks of threatening phone calls.” Never one to rush to judgment about anything, Lou Dobbs… immediately started freaking out about Mexicans and Mexican-supporting liberals again, adding, tastelessly, for ratings, “if anybody thinks that we’re not engaged in the battle for the soul of this country right now, you’re sorely mistaken.” We don’t really know how some douche or another hitting Lou Dobbs’ mansion with a bullet is indicative of a “battle for the soul of this country,” but we do know that “battle for the soul of this country” is not very tension-defusing rhetoric. Especially when there are still many, many questions about the nature of the incident! MORE »

The CNN Political Ticker has a cute story about those silly Chinese and one of their very primitive thinker-people and Congress and stuff. What wacky bad jokes can be made here? “WASHINGTON (CNN) – In a belated celebration on Wednesday, the House marked last month’s 2,560th birthday of Chinese philosopher Confucius by passing a resolution recognizing ‘his invaluable contributions to philosophy and social and political thought.’” Next sentence… wait for it… “But some members apparently prefer their Confucius confined to a fortune cookie rather than on the House floor.” HEY-O! Take that, railroad workers. [CNN via segue-monitoring operative "Josh G."]

Don’t really know what Townhall’s angle is here in promoting this video, but the first minute or so is pretty amazing, watching this CNN anchor play out his own personal mini-Greek Tragedy. Well this should all go well and dandy for ol’ Chicago, he’s thinking. Let me just sit back here and relax for the official confirmation. Nope, nothin’ could go wrong for Chicago right now, nothin’ at al… wait… wait.. oh god… no… CHICAGO’S OUT? CHICAGO’S OUT? CHICAGO’S OUT??? No. No. No no no no no NO! NOOOOO! KILL ME RIGHT NOW! [YouTube]

Oh? Racist. Don’t give them too much credit, CNN. “(CNN) — Posters portraying President Obama as a witch doctor may be racist, organizers of Tea Party protests say, but they reflect anger about where he is leading the country.” Yes, racist anger. [CNN]

Look Yale, we know the last week or so has been tough for you, but LEAVE NANCY GRACE ALONE. [CNN, thank you operative "Ryan T." ]

Nearly 20 months to the day of the Filipino Monkey Attacks, a shocking radio-CNN-terrorism incident was or was not committed right here in Washington, on the famous Potomac River, home to several overpriced brunch/graduation restaurants with nautical themes, plus a yacht where Larry Craig used to live and “secretly” fuck men who hated him. WHAT, you do not remember the Filipino Monkey Attacks of January 14, 2008? God, are you even American? Michael Moore’s website is THAT WAY, to the LEFT. MORE »

This non-existent Coast Guard sea battle with the terrorists, it is confusing. The White House is SUPER-FURIOUS at CNN! As usual, this anger is manifesting itself in the form of Robert Gibbs’ charmingly vicious sarcasm. CNN says it saw Coast Guard boats racing to catch a speeding boat on the Potomac and overheard screaming radio cries of bullets firing left and right, but no matter, it was just a “training exercise” that not a single government official seems to have known was scheduled for today, which is 9/11. Drinks all around! Meanwhile WHERE IS OSAMA? [YouTube, Michael Calderone]

For 25 horrifying minutes, CNN has been broadcasting awful old white people yelling at another awful old white person (Arlen Specter) about the African who is going to (hopefully) euthanize all the awful old white people, and how the white American god will soon “stand before” Specter and other senators and representatives, and kill them. MORE »

• High-frequency trading? Goldman Sachs? Ball’s in your court, Taibbi. [Matt Yglesias]
• “You Want Context? Drudge Will Give You Context.” And brain herpes! [Weekly Standard]
• Joe Biden is such a golly liberal fascist, according to liberal fascist experts. [USA Today]
• The best part of RedState’s furry convention was when Liz Cheney gave everyone an enormous boner — as stiff as a starched collar! Who could resist doe-eyed Liz in that delicious panda bear suit? So soft. [RedState]
• Sean Hannity is now a Texas Kentucky Colonel. [Think Progress]
• CNN took one look at the ad Media Matters wanted to air and said, “What is this? You are not selling pills or automobiles? NO. This will not do. Air your facts on Fox.” [TPM]

Media Matters is, according to Lou Dobbs, “some kind of Mexican space alien, from Mexicans.” But the liberal organization best known for sending out emails about how Fox News isn’t liberal has finally done something kind of funny, by purchasing commercial time on orange-headed blubbermouth Lou Dobbs’ afternoon comedy hour, White Supremacy For Angry Dummies. MORE »

What is this? It’s the tragic result of 5,000 White House photographers with old-fashioned “click-y cameras” taking 5,000,000 pictures of the president and vice president (both in shirtsleeves) and the stars of the new Cambridge reality teevee show, No Motherfucker You Cannot Arrest Me In My Fucking House I Am a Harvard Professor …. Oh So Just Step Outside For a Moment? MORE »