Tag Archives: cnn

  The Wonkette Media Empire

Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette

Here at yr Wonkette, we’re always brainstorming new ways to amuse and confound you. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this thing! It is called The Weekend Stock Photo Report With Weekend S. Photo! It is kind of a video slide show of funny pictures that we are definitely allowed to use, and a voice-over that says funny things about the politics, and boy aren’t you a lucky duckie, huh? Read more on Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette…
  A Noun A Verb The Constitution

Rand Paul Has A Shotgun For Your Drone, Buddy

you just keep your drones offa my lawn!
Rand Paul has some important thoughts about privately owned drones: He will blow them away with the Constitution and a shotgun. CNN did something they called a “Historic Snapchat Interview” with Rand Paul, using a popular phone app, which was such a huge success that to allow people to actually view the damned thing, they filmed it with a conventional video camera: Read more on Rand Paul Has A Shotgun For Your Drone, Buddy…
  Fox To Call For French Tort Reform

Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars

Terrifying real news that's verified... to be fake
Now that Fox News has admitted it completely made up a series of stories about supposed “no go zones” in France and England — districts where the police and other officials supposedly leave local Muslims to run things on their own and create little islands of Sharia where no non-Muslim dare enter — the mayor of Paris, Anne Hidalgo, says she’s planning to sue Fox News for lying about Her Fair City: Read more on Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars…
  Glad we solved that problem forever

2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously

Nope, no rape news this year
In the early days of 2014, the world was a simpler, happier place. Bill Cosby was still a kindly, grandfatherly funnyman and not a horrible monster rapist, and we all enjoyed playfully teasing him about his sweaters and Jell-O Pudding Pops until the joke was entirely played out and stale and not funny anymore, seriously, enough. Read more on 2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously…
  The most derptastic name in news.

The 2014 Suckages of CNN, Ranked

Good job, CNN
People say a lot of stupid things. And throughout all of 2014, you’d be hard-pressed to find more people saying stupider things in one place than on CNN. From racist segments making fun of primitive natives to giving airtime to every headcase with no obvious spelling errors on their handmade cardboard signs, 2014 was the year CNN went from bad to embarrassing to just really sad. If CNN really still is “America’s Most Trusted Name in News,” then we are so screwed. Read more on The 2014 Suckages of CNN, Ranked…
  Obama Seeks Kennedyesque Image; Will Call It 'Cuber'

Fidel Castro Is Your New President, America!

Thought about 'shopping Obama's face in there, but nahhh
The Obama administration announced today what it calls the most significant changes in 50 years to American policy toward Cuba, including the normalization of diplomatic relations, increased trade and easier travel, and a review of Cuba’s listing as a state sponsor of terrorism. But no, you aren’t going to be buying Cohibas at your neighborhood Walgreens anytime soon. It’s always about cigars with you people, jesus. Read more on Fidel Castro Is Your New President, America!…
  Starting to lose count here

Are There Any Women Bill Cosby Didn’t (Allegedly) Rape?

No, none come to mind
Image via screen grab When woman after woman kept coming forward in the Tiger Woods adultery scandal, I kept hoping it would hit 18, just for all the wonderful “18 holes” jokes that would practically write themselves. Read more on Are There Any Women Bill Cosby Didn’t (Allegedly) Rape?…
 

CNN’s Don Lemon: If Bill Cosby Rapes You, Just Bite His Dick

Rape prevention tips
NOTE: Just so you know, we’re going to talk about dick-biting. This is not by choice; it was forced upon us by CNN’s Don Lemon. So if you have a problem with dick-biting, you should lay back and think about the weather, because it turns out that dick-biting is also an excellent way for women to prevent rape. So really, this is a Public Service Announcement, and if you are someone who would like to not be raped, you need to keep reading. It’s for your own good. Read more on CNN’s Don Lemon: If Bill Cosby Rapes You, Just Bite His Dick…
  Death Panels For Your Bandwidth

Ted Cruz Finds Exciting New Ways To Be Wrong About Net Neutrality

Then WHO WAS PHONE?
As we have established pretty clearly, Ted Cruz doesn’t know a damned thing about Net Neutrality, and he is also quite proud of his ignorance. So proud that he even wrote a whole column full of stupid, in which he repeated his Twitter catchphrase and then added more pure wrongness: Read more on Ted Cruz Finds Exciting New Ways To Be Wrong About Net Neutrality…
  Maybe Those Ladies Said 'No' The Way That Means 'Yes'

Rush Limbaugh: Stop Being Mean To Bill Cosby Just Because He Maybe Raped All Those Ladies

It's all about context man
Rush Limbaugh — the greatest defender of black men and also the guy who is single-handedly trying to change the rape culture to reprogram boys to not do that — has some thoughts on Bill Cosby, who is black, and on rape, which is wrong. Read more on Rush Limbaugh: Stop Being Mean To Bill Cosby Just Because He Maybe Raped All Those Ladies…
  Maybe The Russians Are Just Breathing Hard

Hot New Worry: Russia Gonna Cold War Us All Over Again!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when Jack Davis illustrated everything, especially MAD magazine?
Now that we’ve beaten Ebola (not in the world, but in America, so we can go back to ignoring dying Africans) and fears of ISIS taking over our delis seem to be waning, we need another jolt straight to the amygdala’s fear centers. Retro almost always goes over well, so how about getting scared about Russia again? Read more on Hot New Worry: Russia Gonna Cold War Us All Over Again!!!!!!!!!!…
  Get The Huck Out Of Here

Mike Huckabee Declares Himself God’s Unqualified Instrument

Effin beyotches, amirite?
Mike Huckabee’s Saturday night show on Fox News, “Huckabee,” could soon be killed by its host’s political ambitions, putting the cable commentary landscape in danger of losing a significant source of down-home everymanliness. Following a new profile in the Washington Post about Huckabee’s non-campaign campaign, CNN’s Brian Stelter reports that Fox’s VP of programming would like to speak to the former governor regarding his future at the network at his earliest convenience. Read more on Mike Huckabee Declares Himself God’s Unqualified Instrument…
  Both Sides Don't Actually Do it

It’s OK, America, Crossfire Can’t Hurt You Anymore. Again. (Video)

That's one way to celebrate an anniversary
Can you believe that it’s been exactly 10 years (OK, yesterday) since Jon Stewart went on CNN’s Crossfire and told Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson (who still wore a bowtie at the time) that their show was “hurting America”? Read more on It’s OK, America, Crossfire Can’t Hurt You Anymore. Again. (Video)…
  michael crichton is still dead

Dear CNN: Just Stop It Already

Actual photo of CDC scientists fighting Ebola, according to CNN.
Is everyone tired of news channels screaming at you that Ebola is the most terrifying threat to humanity since Snooki got knocked up, and we should all not leave the house unless we’re sealed up inside our own airtight hamster balls? Read more on Dear CNN: Just Stop It Already…
  Here have some news n stuff

Chelsea Clinton Had A Baby, Whereabouts During Benghazi Unknown

Ha. Ha. Ha.
Unto the child of Billary, a child was born. And the New York Post was ON IT, as only the Post can be: Bill and Hillary Clinton welcomed a brand new Democrat into the fold on Saturday — by sharing the first pictures of their only grandchild. Read more on Chelsea Clinton Had A Baby, Whereabouts During Benghazi Unknown…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Please Don’t Agree With Us Please

Go home, Celestia, you're drunk
We’ve got mail! Or at least we’ve got people who want to leave comments, but who are not going to be admitted to the Commentariat because we don’t especially want them tromping around our parlor, especially not with what they’ve tracked in on their boots. Today, our sluicing out of the ol’ comments queue starts off with a couple of submissions from people who sorta kinda agree with something Yr Wonkette has published, but there’s just something about the comments that suggests we may not really want to invite these folks in, probably. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Please Don’t Agree With Us Please…
  Hot parenting tips that don't work

CNN’s Don Lemon: We Should Beat Our Kids Because It Worked For Slave Masters

Nope
Sure, slavery might have had its downsides, but CNN anchor Don Lemon is pretty sure there’s at least one valuable lesson to be learned: how to effectively discipline your slaves children to instill the appropriate amount of terror so they’ll know “who’s in control.” Read more on CNN’s Don Lemon: We Should Beat Our Kids Because It Worked For Slave Masters…
  This is EXCELLENT news for you know who

Here’s Why John McCain Is On Your TV Every Day

Fuck this guy
John McCain is on cable news and Sunday morning talk shows more than anyone in the history of being on television, and sure, we’ve guessed it’s because bookers at every single news channel cannot be bothered to ask Google for the name and number of anyone else in America. But now, per the Washington Post’s interview with CNN Washington Bureau Chief Sam Feist, we have the answer: Read more on Here’s Why John McCain Is On Your TV Every Day…
  Falsifier Falsifier Trousers Aflame!

Hero Navy SEAL Kind Of Made Up Story About Getting Shot By 3 Big Scary Black Guys

Chris Heben shows off his wounds from the Race War
The nice gentleman with all the stitches up there is Chris Heben, of Medina, Ohio. He is a retired Navy SEAL who approaches life with the gusto you’d expect of an American Hero, which is why he has been a frequent guest expert on CNN and Fox News. As his website explains, “Immediately following the termination of Osama Bin Laden … Chris emerged as the news media’s most featured special operations subject matter expert.” Read more on Hero Navy SEAL Kind Of Made Up Story About Getting Shot By 3 Big Scary Black Guys…
  Beat the press

Who Won Battleground Ferguson: Po-Po Or Journos? The Answer Will Amaze You!

gassy
  Still Life With Al Jazeera and Teargas. Image from video by KSDK As the teargas wafts away from the streets of Ferguson, Missouri, and the some of the members of the media covering the Mike Brown protests start to drift away to cover more pressing stories like the VMAs, let’s take a look back to see who came out ahead in the Battle to Cover Ferguson: the po-po or the journos. Read more on Who Won Battleground Ferguson: Po-Po Or Journos? The Answer Will Amaze You!…