Wonkette

MCCAIN VOLUNTEER CALLS MCCAIN A SLAVEDRIVER: This video at CNN is pretty funny, and we’d embed it here if stupid CNN actually had that feature. Now you will have to make an extra click, suckaz. It’s John McCain taking a question from one of his volunteers, a (satirical?) New Yorker who starts gently and proceeds to curse at him for the way he treats his volunteers (like shit). McCain, naturally, interrupts her with several “wisecracks” to lighten the mood. This is his only half-decent political skill, and it fails miserably here, ha ha. [CNN]

• WOMAN, YOU ARE TOO RICH TO ACTUALLY EXIST: In case you haven’t heard about this yet, here’s what Cindy McCain said on CNN yesterday: “In Arizona, the only way to get around the state is by small private plane.” Uh, uh… and Michelle Obama drives a hybrid that doesn’t love its country! *RUNS TO PRIVATE PLANE* [Huffington Post]

OK, we’re *starting* to get a basic idea of what Jesse Jackson said, to a hidden microphone, about Barack Obama today. Here’s his paraphrase in an interview with CNN (the actual footage will be shown in full on Fox News — of course — at 8 p.m. tonight): “That the senator was cutting off his, you know whats, with black people and black church.” Please leave your guesses for “you know whats” in the comments (as if you needed to be urged). We’re going to go with “hotcakes.” No: “flapjacks.” NO EVEN BETTER YET — “VAGINAS.” HE’S CUTTING OFF HIS VAG-ES WITH THE BLACKS.

UPDATE: Wonkette has consulted with its arsenal of overused jokes and determined that Jesse Jackson was referring to “Truck Nutz.”

UPDATE II: According to senior officials at the Pentagon and/or Langley re: Jesse Jackson: “big sale on truck nutz.” [Breitbart]

Aaron Brown was a kindly gent who hosted the CNN many moons ago. Every night Americans would drift off to sleep as he reviewed the morning papers with a dumb little rooster crowing in the background. And we all loved it because he was Aaron Brown, a very nice man, and then Anderson “Silver Fox” Cooper threw him under the bus and took his show. It looks like Aaron learned his lesson because now he has gray hair and no glasses, just like Anderson Cooper. So what’s he up to now, besides adorably swearing his face off for Observer reporters? MORE »

Time flies when you’re getting jabbered at by a lightly furred ballsack! Wolf Blitzer has apparently been hosting CNN’s Late Edition for ten wonderful years, and this Sunday America will get to enjoy two whole hours of decadent Blitzerian retrospectives. Relive Wolf’s proudest Journalistic Moments, after the jump. MORE »

While America sleeps, one faithful Wonkette reader sends us this screen cap from work. Thank you, brave patriot! And thank you, CNN, for biting our rhymes.

Wonkette comical typos operative “Ron” sends us this screen shot of a CNN.com article in which Karl Rove lets slip a revelation of his own about terrible snitch Scott McClellan. McClellan’s syntax in his new book reeks of liberal blogging filth? No, that’s not what Rove is revealing at all! Rove is trying to tell us that homosexual lumberjack communities in the Pacific Northwest are McClellan’s inspiration! IS THIS NOT CLEAR TO EVERYONE? [CNN]

Here he is, your favorite evangelical former Arkansas governor and failed GOP candidate Mike Huckabee, cracking up the NRA folks with the old “Hey the colored boy is a-scared of your rifles” line. Ha ha ha! [Daily Kos/Gawker]

Aww, poor old Hillary must be feeling the pressure a little bit, because she’s turning on the windshield wipers for the, what, third time? She cried again in a CNN interview today, this time while discussing her daughter. She says while crying that having Chelsea on the trail has been one of the “most incredibly gratifying experiences” of her life, and you know what? We’ll grant her that. But then… MORE »

The national press corps has found EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT CNN footage of Obama wearing — gasp — jeans on his airplane, while talking on the phone. Watch this inflammatory CNN video here of Obama wearing a certain type of common pants. John McCain calls them “dungarees.” [CNN]