Tag Archives: cnn

  Cannot unsee

Donald Trump Does Not Want To See Your Disgusting Baby-Feedbags

Don't show him your tits
BREAKING: Donald Trump is kind of a dick! No, really, that’s the latest scoop from the New York Times, which reviewed “hundreds of pages of sworn testimony” from a decade’s worth of Trump lawsuits. (He is, as we have previously mentioned, a litigious shouty-faced douche-jockey.) Read more on Donald Trump Does Not Want To See Your Disgusting Baby-Feedbags…
  Add Your Own Holocaust Pun

Trump, Walker OK With Huckabee Calling Obama Hitler, Wish They’d Said It First

This Way To The Primaries, Ladies And Gentlemen
We have now entered Phase Three of the Mike Huckabee Uses A Shitty Holocaust Analogy story. Phase One was when he said the dumb thing about how Obama’s nuclear deal with Iran will “take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven.” Phase Two was Barack Obama saying that Huck’s comment would be “considered ridiculous if it weren’t so sad” and maybe merely an attempt to be more outrageous than Donald Goddamn Trump, followed by Huck’s angry reply that Obama is totally gonna gas the Jews, and here’s a meme to prove it. Read more on Trump, Walker OK With Huckabee Calling Obama Hitler, Wish They’d Said It First…
  Little Man Syndrome

Ben Shapiro Files Charges Against Transgender Lady For Making Him Look Like Total Pussy

Ben Shapiro getting his wimp ass owned by a girl.
You may have seen this SHOCK VIDEO rolling around the internets the past couple days, of Breitbart’s never-nude pussy Ben Shapiro arguing with transgender journalist Zoey Tur on the “Dr. Drew On Call” program. It’s a long video, not worth your time, but Shapiro was doing his typical little pissypants bigot thing, talking about how Caitlyn Jenner and Zoey Tur (sitting right next to him) are just men in dresses, referring to her as “sir,” and finally Tur let her anger get the best of her for a second, grabbed Shapiro on his little bitch neck and said, “You cut that out now, or you’ll go home in an ambulance.” NOT NICE! Also, too, Shapiro can’t defend himself, clearly, even though his dad probably gave him that whole talk about “if a bully hits you, you hit them back, son!” Read more on Ben Shapiro Files Charges Against Transgender Lady For Making Him Look Like Total Pussy…
  Gay questions is tough

Scott Walker Not Sure How You Get The Gay, But Knows He Doesn’t Like It

Don't ask him, he doesn't know.
Scott Walker is a typical Republican presidential candidate, in that questions are hard, words are hard, and he just doesn’t know what to say about any of this. Like for instance, how does one get the gay? Does one choose the gay, or does Jesus predestine that certain people will be gay? Can you buy the gay? Do you win it on a game show? This is tough! Read more on Scott Walker Not Sure How You Get The Gay, But Knows He Doesn’t Like It…
  Borderline paranoids flock together

Former AZ Gov. Jan Brewer Off Meds Again, Thinks Trump Will Pick Up All Those Headless Corpses In Desert

She has a few words for Donald. None of them make sense
Former Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, who seemed so sane for a little while there as her term ended, has apparently gone off the rails again, the poor dear. Remember when she was hallucinating piles of headless bodies in the desert that simply weren’t there? They’ve apparently started talking to her, only now they all have Donald Trump’s voice, and they’re saying “Join me, Jan! We’ll build a wall together! Nobody can build such a YOOGE CLASSY WALL like me!” And so, Wednesday night on CNN, Brewer cheered on Donald Trump and his insistence that Mexico is sending us a lot of drug dealers, rapists, and murderers. Read more on Former AZ Gov. Jan Brewer Off Meds Again, Thinks Trump Will Pick Up All Those Headless Corpses In Desert…
  Here have some news n stuff

CNN EXCLUSIVE: Beware The Flag Of Radical Islamic Dildos And Buttplugs

While The Gays and their friends were priding through streets all over the world, CNN International assignment editor Lucy Pawle reported this shocking discovery at the Gay Pride in London, where she spotted a “quite distinctive man” with a quite distinctive flag: Read more on CNN EXCLUSIVE: Beware The Flag Of Radical Islamic Dildos And Buttplugs…
  department of gotcha questions

Republican Candidates Agree: The Best Living President Is Ronald Reagan’s Rotting Corpse

It would seem that getting stumped by really simple questions isn’t a problem limited to Jeb Bush being A Idiot. ALL the 2016 Republican candidates are doing it! CNN’s Chris Moody traveled to the South Carolina Freedom Summit, where all the wingnut hopefuls were gathered, and he had one tough gotcha question: “Who’s the best living president?” The hilariously pitiful answer, from all the candidates? NONE OF THEM, KATIE, and also Ronald Reagan’s decomposed bones. No, really, these are their answers: Read more on Republican Candidates Agree: The Best Living President Is Ronald Reagan’s Rotting Corpse…
  All That And Not A Word About Admiral Allahu Ackbar?

Fine, Sure, Star Wars Is Muslim, Whatever. Live Long And Prosper, Weirdo.

Finding this may have been the best part of writing this piece
CNN brought us a rather fun thinky piece Tuesday, making a case for the possible Islamic underpinnings of the Star Wars films — except that it’s not making that case at all, and is mostly an excuse for a scholar who knows more than a thing or two about Islam (and not quite as much about Star Wars) to do some Deep Trolling. As a close reading of the movies, the piece, by H.A. Hellyer, makes for a pretty fair freshman essay in introductory Media Studies; as satire, it’s pretty much got one joke, which doesn’t really work so great, but hey, it’s an excuse to talk about politics and Star Wars again, so why not? Read more on Fine, Sure, Star Wars Is Muslim, Whatever. Live Long And Prosper, Weirdo….
  Here have some news n stuff

President Barry H. Bamz Obama: ‘F*ck It’

Saturday night was Nerd Prom again, the annual gathering of Republican and Democratic politicians and the Very Serious Journalists who are supposed to be fourth estating them, all dressed up fancy-like and putting their conflicts of interest and differences of opinion aside at the White House Correspondents Dinner, which is The Most Important A-List Event Of The Year. (So important, in fact, that this year, CNN outright stated you can look up other news on the interwebs because NOTHING tops the WHCD.) While politicos and their supposed watchdogs yukking it up together is kinda awkward and sorta really wrong, as Stephen Colbert rightfully joked about (in a full-on serious way) when he was the keynote comedian in 2006, someone did write some funny jokes for the president to make, like the video clip above (and typed out below, for you “I don’t watch videos” types): Read more on President Barry H. Bamz Obama: ‘F*ck It’…
  Adventures in being a total fuckup

Maybe Rand Paul Didn’t F*ck Up Guardian Interview, Is Still A Dick Anyway

You see this guy asking me questions? How dare he?
The Twitter, it is outraged at Serious Presidential Candidate Rand Paul, who is a dick, for doing another dick thing. According to the internet, which is always correct, Rand Paul had a full-on meltdown temper tantrum at Guardian reporter Paul Lewis, who was just trying to get him to answer a gotcha question about his support for criminal justice reform. How will that play with all the racist fundamentalist fucknozzle Iowans he needs to pander to win the Republican nomination to lose to Hillary Clinton? But did Rand Paul, who is a dick, actually act like a dick this time? Some say yea, some say nay. Let us Do Journalism, by watching a video and deciding for ourselves! Read more on Maybe Rand Paul Didn’t F*ck Up Guardian Interview, Is Still A Dick Anyway…
  Reagan didn't die on the cross for this!

Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings

Look, Natasha! Is Taco Tuesday every week!
CNN reported Tuesday that Russian hackers broke into an unclassified White House computer system last fall, and while they didn’t break into any classified systems, they still “had access to sensitive information such as real-time non-public details of the president’s schedule,” which security expert people told CNN is “still highly sensitive and prized by foreign intelligence agencies[.]” What we really want to know, though, is whether the Russkies had access to scheduling advice given to President Obama by his astrologer. Read more on Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings…
  That's Right You're Not From Texas

Ted Cruz Explains Why No One Likes Him

Nope
Walking bag of petulance Ted Cruz explained on CNN Sunday that he’s plenty likable, but the fools in Washington are simply too detached from Real America to recognize that simple fact. State of the Union host Dana Bash reminded the senator from Alberta that he’s “not the most popular person” in the Senate — even among Republicans: Read more on Ted Cruz Explains Why No One Likes Him…
  Earworm Warning

CNN Does Funny Thing On Purpose (Watch Your Political ‘Too Many Cooks’ Here Please Thank You You’re Welcome)

Don't expect too much sense out of this one. It's Friday, roll with it.
Guys, we don’t quite know how to tell you this, but CNN actually did something funny. We mean, intentionally. How did this happen? What are the larger implications for cable television news, viral videos, the 2016 elections, and social media? What is this thing anyway? On the off chance that you haven’t seen the original, here it is, as well as the Wikipedia entry, like that would help. Or better, just watch the thing and bathe in its majestic glory: Read more on CNN Does Funny Thing On Purpose (Watch Your Political ‘Too Many Cooks’ Here Please Thank You You’re Welcome)…
  The Wonkette Media Empire

Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette

Here at yr Wonkette, we’re always brainstorming new ways to amuse and confound you. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this thing! It is called The Weekend Stock Photo Report With Weekend S. Photo! It is kind of a video slide show of funny pictures that we are definitely allowed to use, and a voice-over that says funny things about the politics, and boy aren’t you a lucky duckie, huh? Read more on Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette…
  A Noun A Verb The Constitution

Rand Paul Has A Shotgun For Your Drone, Buddy

you just keep your drones offa my lawn!
Rand Paul has some important thoughts about privately owned drones: He will blow them away with the Constitution and a shotgun. CNN did something they called a “Historic Snapchat Interview” with Rand Paul, using a popular phone app, which was such a huge success that to allow people to actually view the damned thing, they filmed it with a conventional video camera: Read more on Rand Paul Has A Shotgun For Your Drone, Buddy…