Orange-headed bulb-nosed Mexican-hating fruitbat Lou Dobbs has really only failed at two things: Being a successful television news anchor, and being a dot-com executive. But the Space.com/CNN loser is now aiming to fail on a truly epic scale: He wants to run for president!!! Oh please, Lou, run for president. You can Mexican-wrestle Sarah Palin for the nomination … whoops, never mind, at least Sarah Palin is *popular* with the wingnuts. [Politico]

• Mark Shields goes on teevee, describes his favorite sweaty homoerotic fantasy in vivid detail. [Think Progress]
• Matt Yglesias is very relieved that CAP is forbidden by federal law to replace him with a genetically superior blogger. [Matt Yglesias]
• Who will protect America’s morbidly obese children from mutant, oven-sized cupcakes? [Weekly Standard]
• A CNN intern galloped through the busy markets of Beijing in search of ObaMaoist souvenirs, only to discover that such paraphernalia has been outlawed for all eternity! And according to Mr. Gateway Pundit this is very bad/good/communist/socialist/gay? Sometimes it’s just hard to tell. [Gateway Pundit]
• CEI will deposit $500 in Al Gore’s PayPal account if he finger-bangs Lord Monckton. $510.50 if CEI can watch. [The Corner]

Everyone very politely say “hello” to John King, who will be taking over journalism now that Lou Dobbs is no longer with us. King’s current gig is hosting State of the Union, which exists. According to Michael Calderone, one of “the good ones” at POLITICO: “The move reflects the network’s stated ambitions to be viewed as non-partisan in the evenings, as opposed to MSNBC and Fox, which boasts more outspoken commentators on the left and right.” However, Lou Dobbs will secretly stay on as Legitimate John King. [Michael Calderone]

You may have seen this already, but goodness gracious, marijuana is the devil’s weed and no one on CNN (or Barney Frank) has ever spent a nickel on it! This is very similar to how Washington pundits condemn anyone for ever having sex — including David Letterman, and he’s in New York City! — unless it is fully clothed and for the purpose of procreation. [YouTube]

Racist television goblin Lou Dobbs revealed a very scary story earlier this week on his radio show (he’s on the radio, too?). Three weeks earlier, he claimed, his New Jersey mansion was shot at while his wife was standing outside, and this came after “weeks and weeks of threatening phone calls.” Never one to rush to judgment about anything, Lou Dobbs… immediately started freaking out about Mexicans and Mexican-supporting liberals again, adding, tastelessly, for ratings, “if anybody thinks that we’re not engaged in the battle for the soul of this country right now, you’re sorely mistaken.” We don’t really know how some douche or another hitting Lou Dobbs’ mansion with a bullet is indicative of a “battle for the soul of this country,” but we do know that “battle for the soul of this country” is not very tension-defusing rhetoric. Especially when there are still many, many questions about the nature of the incident! MORE »

The CNN Political Ticker has a cute story about those silly Chinese and one of their very primitive thinker-people and Congress and stuff. What wacky bad jokes can be made here? “WASHINGTON (CNN) – In a belated celebration on Wednesday, the House marked last month’s 2,560th birthday of Chinese philosopher Confucius by passing a resolution recognizing ‘his invaluable contributions to philosophy and social and political thought.’” Next sentence… wait for it… “But some members apparently prefer their Confucius confined to a fortune cookie rather than on the House floor.” HEY-O! Take that, railroad workers. [CNN via segue-monitoring operative "Josh G."]

Don’t really know what Townhall’s angle is here in promoting this video, but the first minute or so is pretty amazing, watching this CNN anchor play out his own personal mini-Greek Tragedy. Well this should all go well and dandy for ol’ Chicago, he’s thinking. Let me just sit back here and relax for the official confirmation. Nope, nothin’ could go wrong for Chicago right now, nothin’ at al… wait… wait.. oh god… no… CHICAGO’S OUT? CHICAGO’S OUT? CHICAGO’S OUT??? No. No. No no no no no NO! NOOOOO! KILL ME RIGHT NOW! [YouTube]

Oh? Racist. Don’t give them too much credit, CNN. “(CNN) — Posters portraying President Obama as a witch doctor may be racist, organizers of Tea Party protests say, but they reflect anger about where he is leading the country.” Yes, racist anger. [CNN]

Look Yale, we know the last week or so has been tough for you, but LEAVE NANCY GRACE ALONE. [CNN, thank you operative "Ryan T." ]

Nearly 20 months to the day of the Filipino Monkey Attacks, a shocking radio-CNN-terrorism incident was or was not committed right here in Washington, on the famous Potomac River, home to several overpriced brunch/graduation restaurants with nautical themes, plus a yacht where Larry Craig used to live and “secretly” fuck men who hated him. WHAT, you do not remember the Filipino Monkey Attacks of January 14, 2008? God, are you even American? Michael Moore’s website is THAT WAY, to the LEFT. MORE »

This non-existent Coast Guard sea battle with the terrorists, it is confusing. The White House is SUPER-FURIOUS at CNN! As usual, this anger is manifesting itself in the form of Robert Gibbs’ charmingly vicious sarcasm. CNN says it saw Coast Guard boats racing to catch a speeding boat on the Potomac and overheard screaming radio cries of bullets firing left and right, but no matter, it was just a “training exercise” that not a single government official seems to have known was scheduled for today, which is 9/11. Drinks all around! Meanwhile WHERE IS OSAMA? [YouTube, Michael Calderone]