Tag Archives: cnn

  That's Right You're Not From Texas

Ted Cruz Explains Why No One Likes Him

Does someone need a hug?
Walking bag of petulance Ted Cruz explained on CNN Sunday that he’s plenty likable, but the fools in Washington are simply too detached from Real America to recognize that simple fact. State of the Union host Dana Bash reminded the senator from Alberta that he’s “not the most popular person” in the Senate — even among Republicans: Read more on Ted Cruz Explains Why No One Likes Him…
  Earworm Warning

CNN Does Funny Thing On Purpose (Watch Your Political ‘Too Many Cooks’ Here Please Thank You You’re Welcome)

Don't expect too much sense out of this one. It's Friday, roll with it.
Guys, we don’t quite know how to tell you this, but CNN actually did something funny. We mean, intentionally. How did this happen? What are the larger implications for cable television news, viral videos, the 2016 elections, and social media? What is this thing anyway? On the off chance that you haven’t seen the original, here it is, as well as the Wikipedia entry, like that would help. Or better, just watch the thing and bathe in its majestic glory: Read more on CNN Does Funny Thing On Purpose (Watch Your Political ‘Too Many Cooks’ Here Please Thank You You’re Welcome)…
  The Wonkette Media Empire

Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette

Here at yr Wonkette, we’re always brainstorming new ways to amuse and confound you. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this thing! It is called The Weekend Stock Photo Report With Weekend S. Photo! It is kind of a video slide show of funny pictures that we are definitely allowed to use, and a voice-over that says funny things about the politics, and boy aren’t you a lucky duckie, huh? Read more on Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette…
  A Noun A Verb The Constitution

Rand Paul Has A Shotgun For Your Drone, Buddy

you just keep your drones offa my lawn!
Rand Paul has some important thoughts about privately owned drones: He will blow them away with the Constitution and a shotgun. CNN did something they called a “Historic Snapchat Interview” with Rand Paul, using a popular phone app, which was such a huge success that to allow people to actually view the damned thing, they filmed it with a conventional video camera: Read more on Rand Paul Has A Shotgun For Your Drone, Buddy…
  Fox To Call For French Tort Reform

Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars

Terrifying real news that's verified... to be fake
Now that Fox News has admitted it completely made up a series of stories about supposed “no go zones” in France and England — districts where the police and other officials supposedly leave local Muslims to run things on their own and create little islands of Sharia where no non-Muslim dare enter — the mayor of Paris, Anne Hidalgo, says she’s planning to sue Fox News for lying about Her Fair City: Read more on Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars…
  He'll free speech you right in the face

Deadbeat Pro-Lifey Loser Ex-Congressjerk Joe Walsh Can’t Wait For Terrorists To Kill Everyone On TV

Joe Walsh (R-Actual Human Scumbag)
For a guy who loves Life and Freedom as much as he supposedly does, the former congressman and forever-scumbag Joe Walsh has a real neat Life-y and Freedom-y suggestion for the terrorists: Read more on Deadbeat Pro-Lifey Loser Ex-Congressjerk Joe Walsh Can’t Wait For Terrorists To Kill Everyone On TV…
  Glad we solved that problem forever

2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously

Nope, no rape news this year
In the early days of 2014, the world was a simpler, happier place. Bill Cosby was still a kindly, grandfatherly funnyman and not a horrible monster rapist, and we all enjoyed playfully teasing him about his sweaters and Jell-O Pudding Pops until the joke was entirely played out and stale and not funny anymore, seriously, enough. Read more on 2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously…
  The most derptastic name in news.

The 2014 Suckages of CNN, Ranked

Good job, CNN
People say a lot of stupid things. And throughout all of 2014, you’d be hard-pressed to find more people saying stupider things in one place than on CNN. From racist segments making fun of primitive natives to giving airtime to every headcase with no obvious spelling errors on their handmade cardboard signs, 2014 was the year CNN went from bad to embarrassing to just really sad. If CNN really still is “America’s Most Trusted Name in News,” then we are so screwed. Read more on The 2014 Suckages of CNN, Ranked…
  Obama Seeks Kennedyesque Image; Will Call It 'Cuber'

Fidel Castro Is Your New President, America!

Thought about 'shopping Obama's face in there, but nahhh
The Obama administration announced today what it calls the most significant changes in 50 years to American policy toward Cuba, including the normalization of diplomatic relations, increased trade and easier travel, and a review of Cuba’s listing as a state sponsor of terrorism. But no, you aren’t going to be buying Cohibas at your neighborhood Walgreens anytime soon. It’s always about cigars with you people, jesus. Read more on Fidel Castro Is Your New President, America!…
  Starting to lose count here

Are There Any Women Bill Cosby Didn’t (Allegedly) Rape?

No, none come to mind
Image via screen grab When woman after woman kept coming forward in the Tiger Woods adultery scandal, I kept hoping it would hit 18, just for all the wonderful “18 holes” jokes that would practically write themselves. Read more on Are There Any Women Bill Cosby Didn’t (Allegedly) Rape?…
 

CNN’s Don Lemon: If Bill Cosby Rapes You, Just Bite His Dick

Rape prevention tips
NOTE: Just so you know, we’re going to talk about dick-biting. This is not by choice; it was forced upon us by CNN’s Don Lemon. So if you have a problem with dick-biting, you should lay back and think about the weather, because it turns out that dick-biting is also an excellent way for women to prevent rape. So really, this is a Public Service Announcement, and if you are someone who would like to not be raped, you need to keep reading. It’s for your own good. Read more on CNN’s Don Lemon: If Bill Cosby Rapes You, Just Bite His Dick…
  Death Panels For Your Bandwidth

Ted Cruz Finds Exciting New Ways To Be Wrong About Net Neutrality

Then WHO WAS PHONE?
As we have established pretty clearly, Ted Cruz doesn’t know a damned thing about Net Neutrality, and he is also quite proud of his ignorance. So proud that he even wrote a whole column full of stupid, in which he repeated his Twitter catchphrase and then added more pure wrongness: Read more on Ted Cruz Finds Exciting New Ways To Be Wrong About Net Neutrality…
  Maybe Those Ladies Said 'No' The Way That Means 'Yes'

Rush Limbaugh: Stop Being Mean To Bill Cosby Just Because He Maybe Raped All Those Ladies

It's all about context man
Rush Limbaugh — the greatest defender of black men and also the guy who is single-handedly trying to change the rape culture to reprogram boys to not do that — has some thoughts on Bill Cosby, who is black, and on rape, which is wrong. Read more on Rush Limbaugh: Stop Being Mean To Bill Cosby Just Because He Maybe Raped All Those Ladies…
  Maybe The Russians Are Just Breathing Hard

Hot New Worry: Russia Gonna Cold War Us All Over Again!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when Jack Davis illustrated everything, especially MAD magazine?
Now that we’ve beaten Ebola (not in the world, but in America, so we can go back to ignoring dying Africans) and fears of ISIS taking over our delis seem to be waning, we need another jolt straight to the amygdala’s fear centers. Retro almost always goes over well, so how about getting scared about Russia again? Read more on Hot New Worry: Russia Gonna Cold War Us All Over Again!!!!!!!!!!…
  Get The Huck Out Of Here

Mike Huckabee Declares Himself God’s Unqualified Instrument

Effin beyotches, amirite?
Mike Huckabee’s Saturday night show on Fox News, “Huckabee,” could soon be killed by its host’s political ambitions, putting the cable commentary landscape in danger of losing a significant source of down-home everymanliness. Following a new profile in the Washington Post about Huckabee’s non-campaign campaign, CNN’s Brian Stelter reports that Fox’s VP of programming would like to speak to the former governor regarding his future at the network at his earliest convenience. Read more on Mike Huckabee Declares Himself God’s Unqualified Instrument…
  michael crichton is still dead

Dear CNN: Just Stop It Already

Actual photo of CDC scientists fighting Ebola, according to CNN.
Is everyone tired of news channels screaming at you that Ebola is the most terrifying threat to humanity since Snooki got knocked up, and we should all not leave the house unless we’re sealed up inside our own airtight hamster balls? Read more on Dear CNN: Just Stop It Already…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Please Don’t Agree With Us Please

Go home, Celestia, you're drunk
We’ve got mail! Or at least we’ve got people who want to leave comments, but who are not going to be admitted to the Commentariat because we don’t especially want them tromping around our parlor, especially not with what they’ve tracked in on their boots. Today, our sluicing out of the ol’ comments queue starts off with a couple of submissions from people who sorta kinda agree with something Yr Wonkette has published, but there’s just something about the comments that suggests we may not really want to invite these folks in, probably. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Please Don’t Agree With Us Please…
  Hot parenting tips that don't work

CNN’s Don Lemon: We Should Beat Our Kids Because It Worked For Slave Masters

Nope
Sure, slavery might have had its downsides, but CNN anchor Don Lemon is pretty sure there’s at least one valuable lesson to be learned: how to effectively discipline your slaves children to instill the appropriate amount of terror so they’ll know “who’s in control.” Read more on CNN’s Don Lemon: We Should Beat Our Kids Because It Worked For Slave Masters…