Tag Archives: chuck grassley

  Why tinker with what ain't need fixin'?

Sen. Chuck Grassley: No Need To Fix Voting Rights Act, Blacks Already Vote Enough!

But definitely not racist restrictions, racism is over.
It was wonderful in 2013 when the Supreme Court finally decided that racism was over, and as a gesture of their goodwill, struck down Section 4 of the Voting Rights Act, the part that said states like Mississippi and Alabama have to ask permission before changing voting rules to hurt minorities, not that they would ever do anything like that. It’s not like those states (or any of the other states) have any sort of history of institutionalized racism or anything! Of course, the intention of that SCOTUS ruling was to have Congress go in and “update” that section, to bring it more in line with 2015 racism, as opposed to 1965 racism. Which brings us to Chuck Grassley, Republican senator of Iowa! Read more on Sen. Chuck Grassley: No Need To Fix Voting Rights Act, Blacks Already Vote Enough!…
  Here have some news n stuff

NFL Hires A Girl, Ruins Football

Nothing is sacred anymore
Here’s a tragedy for sportsball fans everywhere: The NFL officially hired Sarah Thomas as a line judge Wednesday, making her the league’s first full-time female official. […] Thomas had been working as a college football referee for eight years in Conference USA. She became the first woman to officiate a major college football game when she worked a contest between Memphis and Jacksonville State in 2007. We can hear wingnuts whining already that 10 years ago we had hope, jobs, and cash. Now we have no hope, jobs, or cash, and skirts are refereeing the NFL, which is supposed to be a manly game, for men, by men, sometimes men who beat their wives. It’s the feminizing of everything, waaaaaah. Read more on NFL Hires A Girl, Ruins Football…
  Mad About A Thing

Ted Cruz To Cover His Family With Obamacare, THEN Kill It With Fire, Because He’s A Dick

Good thing they all get to have health insurance
It must be nice to be Ted Cruz. Sure, you have to actually be Ted Cruz, which sounds awful, but on the other hand, you get to be Ted Cruz. You can devote your entire life — or, OK, the two years you’ve served in the U.S. Senate, if you wanna get technical about it — fighting against the Affordable Care Act and then, just when you happen to need it, BOOM! It’s right there for you anyway. You can swear to turn this whole country around and burn it to the ground and piss on its corpse (for extra Take That! funsies) to give Americans the Freedom And Liberty to not have affordable access to health care and go bankrupt with medical expenses or maybe just die from lack of access to a doctor. And yet, you still get to use it when your wife takes an extended (although, come on, probably not that extended) unpaid leave from her Goldman Sachs gig to smile and wave next to you while you stump around the country saying stuff like, “I’m going to repeal every single word of Obamacare.” America is a hell of a country, isn’t it? Read more on Ted Cruz To Cover His Family With Obamacare, THEN Kill It With Fire, Because He’s A Dick…
  No Requests For 'Coal Miner's Daughter'So Far

Loretta Lynch Won’t Impeach Obama, Obviously Not Suitable Attorney General

Still claims not to be Eric Holder, reportedly has not yet died of old age
Wednesday was the first day of Loretta Lynch’s confirmation hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and so far, it looks like Republicans may consider her too “nominated by Barack Obama” to be confirmed as attorney general. In a fairly basic bit of identity clarification, Ms. Lynch claimed, in response to a question from Texas Sen. John Cornyn, that she is in fact a wholly different human being than the current attorney general: Read more on Loretta Lynch Won’t Impeach Obama, Obviously Not Suitable Attorney General…
  Here have some news n stuff

New Pope On Boobs: Suck Em If You Got Em

Is he even Catholic?
How is un-American Marxist commie is-he-even-a-real-Catholic? New Pope destroying Western civilization today? Glad you asked. He’s turning the Sistine Chapel into a hotbed of boobs, which definitely violates the laws of man, nature, common decency, and some other stuff, probably. Read more on New Pope On Boobs: Suck Em If You Got Em…
  Here have some news n stuff

If Only Every Convicted Felon Had A Governor For A Dad, Huh?

Hey, Mr. Governor, can you do me a solid? And can I call you Dad?
Via screen grab Imagine you’re in your early 20s, you live in Arkansas, and you get busted for possession of marijuana, with “intent to deliver.” Maybe that means you’re a dealer, or maybe it’s just your turn to pick up a sack for your friends, and also a pizza while you’re out, bro. Who knows? Now you’re a felon, and that sure sucks, especially because it’s a non-violent, victimless crime, and really, shouldn’t we just decriminalize marijuana anyway because wow is this a waste of time and resources and what is the big damned deal about weed anyway? If your name is Kyle Beebe, that’s probably what you’ve been thinking since 2003, when you got busted and had to pay fines and serve three years of supervised probation. But then, if your name is Kyle Beebe, you can also write a real nice letter to your dad the governor to make it go away. Read more on If Only Every Convicted Felon Had A Governor For A Dad, Huh?…
  this week in gohmert

Louie Gohmert Has Million-Dollar Idea

Texas trailer hitch replica Louis Gohmert wants to get to the bottom of this IRS scandal so badly he’s willing to put the taxpayers’ money where his mouth is with a bill he introduced last week, the “Identify and Return Sent E-mails Act,” which would provide a cool $1 million to any whiz kid who can locate whatever emails disappeared from Lois Lerner’s computer when the hard drive crashed in 2011. Where Louie and the bill’s co-sponsor, Rep. Bill Flores (R-TX), think these emails might reside since the IRS, per its email retention policy, overwrote its backed-up server tapes every six months long before this “scandal” broke, was left to everyone’s imagination. Sayeth the walking penis of East Texas, You can do it one of two ways. You can have a Justice Department that’s actually involved in justice and they will use pressure and they’ll get it done. We don’t have a Justice Department. We have a ‘just us’ department, or an injustice department. So the only other way is to use the carrot method. Read more on Louie Gohmert Has Million-Dollar Idea…
  it's the end of the world as we know it

Weird Tuesday Nice Time: Rand Paul, Ted Cruz Take Break From Being Dicks

We live in weird times, and we are not talking about just gay marijuana orgies in Colorado, because Sens. Rand Paul (R-KY) and Ted Cruz (R-TX) are joining Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) on her military sexual assault bill. According to Politico: The tea party favorites give the bill’s lead sponsor, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, critical conservative cover as she battles the Pentagon and hawks in both parties on her proposal to create a new prosecution system for major military crimes. We are not sure how to react. We know that Ted Cruz is batshit crazy and rude to old ladies, and that Rand Paul hires and keeps “allegedly” racist staffers, but it appears that they are doing something good here. SO MUCH COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.  Read more on Weird Tuesday Nice Time: Rand Paul, Ted Cruz Take Break From Being Dicks…
  chuck e's in love

The Lonely Passion Of Chuck Grassley, Counting The Moments Until Obama Calls Again

Remember how when you were 14 years old and you were “dating” someone, which maybe meant that you sat next to each other at lunch because it was like 1982 and there was no such thing as obsessively texting the object of your affection? Nevermind. OK then. Remember when you were 14 and you had to hang up the party line because Old Mrs Ferguson needed to call the County Agent? Really? Fine.  Remember when you were 14 and you wanted to contact your sweetie but forgot some of the semaphore signals? ANYWAY. When you were 14 and you were “dating” you might have gotten it in your head to, say, demean your sweetie in public in some sort of “bros before hos” type of thing (LADIES CAN DO THIS TOO WE ARE NOT BEING SEXIST) but then you would try to call them later at home to explain that naw baby, you still totally liked them and why they gotta be so mean? Imagine if you never grew out of that and you were a sad 79-year old and you were still hoping that the person you threatened and made fun of all day long would pick up the phone, just to say hi? If you were that person, oh ye of stunted emotional growth, you would be Chuck Grassley: Read more on The Lonely Passion Of Chuck Grassley, Counting The Moments Until Obama Calls Again…
  You Keep Using That Word

GOP: Obama Court-Packing Or Fudge-Packing Or Something, Who Even Knows

Ugh, we can’t even. Fucking… OK, here we go. The new thing Republicans are saying: Nominating judges to fill vacancies on the DC Circuit Court is “court packing,” despite the fact that it is fucking not court packing, because “court packing” is a term that has an objective, universally acknowledged meaning and that meaning is not “replacing judges as they retire, bless their hearts they are OUT of this shitshow.” Read more on GOP: Obama Court-Packing Or Fudge-Packing Or Something, Who Even Knows…
  grampa cornpants

Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys

Oh dear, Sen. Chuck Grassley snuck out the window again after lights-out, and now he’s leading inquiries into the Secret Service sex scandal. Whatcha got so far, inspector? “Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) said the Colombia prostitutes at the center of the Secret Service scandal may have been spies planted by the Russian government.” And if they were… well, Chuck’s gonna give those ladies what for, he is. Read more on Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys…
  chuck grassley's twitter

Noted Scholar ‘Chuck Grassley’s Twitter’ Calls Obama ‘Stupid’

Constituents askd why i am not outraged at PresO attack on supreme court independence. Bcause Am ppl r not stupid as this x prof of con law — ChuckGrassley (@ChuckGrassley) April 7, 2012 And so it was that Iowa senior Senator Chuck Grassley called President Obama “stupid” on Twitter, six minutes after the previous tweet of the letter “P”. Read more on Noted Scholar ‘Chuck Grassley’s Twitter’ Calls Obama ‘Stupid’…
  and bikinis don't forget the bikinis

Senate Celebrates Spring Break With Free Love Festival of Bipartisan Votes

Check out the Senate, guys, they passed two whole major bills on Thursday! Don’t look now, but the JOBS Act to reduce regulations on small businesses and the STOCK Act to prevent insider trading in Congress — both already passed by the House — made it through the Senate by fairly convincing bipartisan margins. Where are the tears, the blood, the soiled Depends? A few theories: one, these two bills have fun acronyms that fit neatly into press releases going out to saturated constituent mailing lists in an election year when Congress continues to rank below mandatory anal probes for airline passengers in popularity, and two, SPRING BREAK HELL YES Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell are sponsoring drug-fueled bipartisan orgies that have put everyone in a good mood. Let’s say number two. What have you won, America? Read more on Senate Celebrates Spring Break With Free Love Festival of Bipartisan Votes…
  chuck grassley's twitter

Chuck Grassley Learns Devastating Truth About The History Channel

Oh, dear. Grampa Cornpants is experiencing the senior’s equivalent of discovering there’s no Santa Claus: Learning that the History Channel is just a bunch of alien Nazi sweepstakes porn that instantly lobotomizes the viewer. Oh god, now Grassley’s communications guy is going to holler at us for breaking the Santa Claus news to the Senator… but we’ll deal with that later. Read more on Chuck Grassley Learns Devastating Truth About The History Channel…