Tag Archives: chuck grassley

  Here have some news n stuff

NFL Hires A Girl, Ruins Football

Nothing is sacred anymore
Here’s a tragedy for sportsball fans everywhere: The NFL officially hired Sarah Thomas as a line judge Wednesday, making her the league’s first full-time female official. […] Thomas had been working as a college football referee for eight years in Conference USA. She became the first woman to officiate a major college football game when she worked a contest between Memphis and Jacksonville State in 2007. We can hear wingnuts whining already that 10 years ago we had hope, jobs, and cash. Now we have no hope, jobs, or cash, and skirts are refereeing the NFL, which is supposed to be a manly game, for men, by men, sometimes men who beat their wives. It’s the feminizing of everything, waaaaaah. Read more on NFL Hires A Girl, Ruins Football…
  Mad About A Thing

Ted Cruz To Cover His Family With Obamacare, THEN Kill It With Fire, Because He’s A Dick

Good thing they all get to have health insurance
It must be nice to be Ted Cruz. Sure, you have to actually be Ted Cruz, which sounds awful, but on the other hand, you get to be Ted Cruz. You can devote your entire life — or, OK, the two years you’ve served in the U.S. Senate, if you wanna get technical about it — fighting against the Affordable Care Act and then, just when you happen to need it, BOOM! It’s right there for you anyway. You can swear to turn this whole country around and burn it to the ground and piss on its corpse (for extra Take That! funsies) to give Americans the Freedom And Liberty to not have affordable access to health care and go bankrupt with medical expenses or maybe just die from lack of access to a doctor. And yet, you still get to use it when your wife takes an extended (although, come on, probably not that extended) unpaid leave from her Goldman Sachs gig to smile and wave next to you while you stump around the country saying stuff like, “I’m going to repeal every single word of Obamacare.” America is a hell of a country, isn’t it? Read more on Ted Cruz To Cover His Family With Obamacare, THEN Kill It With Fire, Because He’s A Dick…
  No Requests For 'Coal Miner's Daughter'So Far

Loretta Lynch Won’t Impeach Obama, Obviously Not Suitable Attorney General

Still claims not to be Eric Holder, reportedly has not yet died of old age
Wednesday was the first day of Loretta Lynch’s confirmation hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and so far, it looks like Republicans may consider her too “nominated by Barack Obama” to be confirmed as attorney general. In a fairly basic bit of identity clarification, Ms. Lynch claimed, in response to a question from Texas Sen. John Cornyn, that she is in fact a wholly different human being than the current attorney general: Read more on Loretta Lynch Won’t Impeach Obama, Obviously Not Suitable Attorney General…
  Here have some news n stuff

New Pope On Boobs: Suck Em If You Got Em

He'll see reason OR ELSE
How is un-American Marxist commie is-he-even-a-real-Catholic? New Pope destroying Western civilization today? Glad you asked. He’s turning the Sistine Chapel into a hotbed of boobs, which definitely violates the laws of man, nature, common decency, and some other stuff, probably. Read more on New Pope On Boobs: Suck Em If You Got Em…
  Here have some news n stuff

If Only Every Convicted Felon Had A Governor For A Dad, Huh?

Hey, Mr. Governor, can you do me a solid? And can I call you Dad?
Via screen grab Imagine you’re in your early 20s, you live in Arkansas, and you get busted for possession of marijuana, with “intent to deliver.” Maybe that means you’re a dealer, or maybe it’s just your turn to pick up a sack for your friends, and also a pizza while you’re out, bro. Who knows? Now you’re a felon, and that sure sucks, especially because it’s a non-violent, victimless crime, and really, shouldn’t we just decriminalize marijuana anyway because wow is this a waste of time and resources and what is the big damned deal about weed anyway? If your name is Kyle Beebe, that’s probably what you’ve been thinking since 2003, when you got busted and had to pay fines and serve three years of supervised probation. But then, if your name is Kyle Beebe, you can also write a real nice letter to your dad the governor to make it go away. Read more on If Only Every Convicted Felon Had A Governor For A Dad, Huh?…
  this week in gohmert

Louie Gohmert Has Million-Dollar Idea

Texas trailer hitch replica Louis Gohmert wants to get to the bottom of this IRS scandal so badly he’s willing to put the taxpayers’ money where his mouth is with a bill he introduced last week, the “Identify and Return Sent E-mails Act,” which would provide a cool $1 million to any whiz kid who can locate whatever emails disappeared from Lois Lerner’s computer when the hard drive crashed in 2011. Where Louie and the bill’s co-sponsor, Rep. Bill Flores (R-TX), think these emails might reside since the IRS, per its email retention policy, overwrote its backed-up server tapes every six months long before this “scandal” broke, was left to everyone’s imagination. Sayeth the walking penis of East Texas, You can do it one of two ways. You can have a Justice Department that’s actually involved in justice and they will use pressure and they’ll get it done. We don’t have a Justice Department. We have a ‘just us’ department, or an injustice department. So the only other way is to use the carrot method. Read more on Louie Gohmert Has Million-Dollar Idea…
  it's the end of the world as we know it

Weird Tuesday Nice Time: Rand Paul, Ted Cruz Take Break From Being Dicks

We live in weird times, and we are not talking about just gay marijuana orgies in Colorado, because Sens. Rand Paul (R-KY) and Ted Cruz (R-TX) are joining Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) on her military sexual assault bill. According to Politico: The tea party favorites give the bill’s lead sponsor, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, critical conservative cover as she battles the Pentagon and hawks in both parties on her proposal to create a new prosecution system for major military crimes. We are not sure how to react. We know that Ted Cruz is batshit crazy and rude to old ladies, and that Rand Paul hires and keeps “allegedly” racist staffers, but it appears that they are doing something good here. SO MUCH COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.  Read more on Weird Tuesday Nice Time: Rand Paul, Ted Cruz Take Break From Being Dicks…
  chuck e's in love

The Lonely Passion Of Chuck Grassley, Counting The Moments Until Obama Calls Again

Remember how when you were 14 years old and you were “dating” someone, which maybe meant that you sat next to each other at lunch because it was like 1982 and there was no such thing as obsessively texting the object of your affection? Nevermind. OK then. Remember when you were 14 and you had to hang up the party line because Old Mrs Ferguson needed to call the County Agent? Really? Fine.  Remember when you were 14 and you wanted to contact your sweetie but forgot some of the semaphore signals? ANYWAY. When you were 14 and you were “dating” you might have gotten it in your head to, say, demean your sweetie in public in some sort of “bros before hos” type of thing (LADIES CAN DO THIS TOO WE ARE NOT BEING SEXIST) but then you would try to call them later at home to explain that naw baby, you still totally liked them and why they gotta be so mean? Imagine if you never grew out of that and you were a sad 79-year old and you were still hoping that the person you threatened and made fun of all day long would pick up the phone, just to say hi? If you were that person, oh ye of stunted emotional growth, you would be Chuck Grassley: Read more on The Lonely Passion Of Chuck Grassley, Counting The Moments Until Obama Calls Again…
  You Keep Using That Word

GOP: Obama Court-Packing Or Fudge-Packing Or Something, Who Even Knows

Ugh, we can’t even. Fucking… OK, here we go. The new thing Republicans are saying: Nominating judges to fill vacancies on the DC Circuit Court is “court packing,” despite the fact that it is fucking not court packing, because “court packing” is a term that has an objective, universally acknowledged meaning and that meaning is not “replacing judges as they retire, bless their hearts they are OUT of this shitshow.” Read more on GOP: Obama Court-Packing Or Fudge-Packing Or Something, Who Even Knows…
  grampa cornpants

Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys

Oh dear, Sen. Chuck Grassley snuck out the window again after lights-out, and now he’s leading inquiries into the Secret Service sex scandal. Whatcha got so far, inspector? “Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) said the Colombia prostitutes at the center of the Secret Service scandal may have been spies planted by the Russian government.” And if they were… well, Chuck’s gonna give those ladies what for, he is. Read more on Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys…
  chuck grassley's twitter

Noted Scholar ‘Chuck Grassley’s Twitter’ Calls Obama ‘Stupid’

Constituents askd why i am not outraged at PresO attack on supreme court independence. Bcause Am ppl r not stupid as this x prof of con law — ChuckGrassley (@ChuckGrassley) April 7, 2012 And so it was that Iowa senior Senator Chuck Grassley called President Obama “stupid” on Twitter, six minutes after the previous tweet of the letter “P”. Read more on Noted Scholar ‘Chuck Grassley’s Twitter’ Calls Obama ‘Stupid’…
  and bikinis don't forget the bikinis

Senate Celebrates Spring Break With Free Love Festival of Bipartisan Votes

Check out the Senate, guys, they passed two whole major bills on Thursday! Don’t look now, but the JOBS Act to reduce regulations on small businesses and the STOCK Act to prevent insider trading in Congress — both already passed by the House — made it through the Senate by fairly convincing bipartisan margins. Where are the tears, the blood, the soiled Depends? A few theories: one, these two bills have fun acronyms that fit neatly into press releases going out to saturated constituent mailing lists in an election year when Congress continues to rank below mandatory anal probes for airline passengers in popularity, and two, SPRING BREAK HELL YES Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell are sponsoring drug-fueled bipartisan orgies that have put everyone in a good mood. Let’s say number two. What have you won, America? Read more on Senate Celebrates Spring Break With Free Love Festival of Bipartisan Votes…
  chuck grassley's twitter

Chuck Grassley Learns Devastating Truth About The History Channel

Oh, dear. Grampa Cornpants is experiencing the senior’s equivalent of discovering there’s no Santa Claus: Learning that the History Channel is just a bunch of alien Nazi sweepstakes porn that instantly lobotomizes the viewer. Oh god, now Grassley’s communications guy is going to holler at us for breaking the Santa Claus news to the Senator… but we’ll deal with that later. Read more on Chuck Grassley Learns Devastating Truth About The History Channel…
  our nation's greatest legislators

Spelling on Chuck Grassley’s Twitter Finally Improves After Being Hacked

WOAH HEY, how did an intelligible phrase sneak into the stream of notoriously incomprehensible re-imaginings of the English language that we are usually treated to on Senator Chuck Grassley’s Twitter feed? Did science up and find a cure for “teabagger?” Kind of! It’s known in this case as “hacking.” Read more on Spelling on Chuck Grassley’s Twitter Finally Improves After Being Hacked…
  talk about heavy farm equipment!

Chuck Grassley To End Child Obesity By Ending Labor Laws For Fat Kids

Oh, goody! Senator Chuck Grassley has become the latest Republican non-healing ulcer to air his word salad “ideas” on child labor. With the help of palletfuls of billion dollar bills from unwitting taxpayers, Grassley’s state of Iowa and its high-fructose corn syrup fields have been enfluffening America’s children for the past thirty years. But times have changed (recession, increasingly senile lawmakers, the end of decency, et cetera), and now Grassley wants these morbidly obese youths to shed weight by allowing them to work our nation’s farms without the feds whining and bitching about deadly pesticides and crippling machinery! CHILDHOOD OBESITY EPIDEMIC SOLVED!!! Read more on Chuck Grassley To End Child Obesity By Ending Labor Laws For Fat Kids… Read more on Chuck Grassley To End Child Obesity By Ending Labor Laws For Fat Kids…
  great legislative debates

GOP Says Real Issue With Gay Marriage Is It Costs Too Much

The Senate Judiciary Committee voted 10-8 today to advance a bill to repeal DOMA over Republican objections. Not just the usual “becuz Jesus no likey teh gheyz” objections, but for a novel new terrible reason: gay marriage will ruin Social Security! “No one has paid into the Social Security system expecting benefits to be paid to same sex partners,” argued crabass old John Cornyn. Logic whiz Patrick Leahy was then forced to step in and remind the Republicans that, uh, gay people are actually still human? And have always been paying into Social Security like everyone else. Read more on GOP Says Real Issue With Gay Marriage Is It Costs Too Much…
  your new presidential twatter

New Twitter User Barack Obama Not A Huge Fan Of His Job

Barry Obama from the Block finally got around to installing the Twitter application on his Blackberry this weekend, probably after John Boehner mocked him at their Golf Summit for running around without it. The president’s account to date has been filled with dry robot White House staffer tweets that made Chuck Grassley’s Twitter feed look like a Saturday night swinger marathon. Can you spice it up, hip Obamar? No, is the answer. “Being President is not as hard as being a father” was his first tweet. Nice one, most boring person on Twitter ever. We’re glad “body odor” can let everyone out there who is a parent know that it is harder than running the world. Could we have that job leading Earth, then? Obama also apparently likes that job better than being President, which, now our feelings are sort of hurt?  Read more on New Twitter User Barack Obama Not A Huge Fan Of His Job…
  dollar dollar signs y'all

Chuck Grassley Invents New Way To Cut Grass

What sort of important legislator stuff has your senior senator been up to lately, Iowa? He’s been mowing his lawn. That’s almost as cool as killing Osama bin Laden! Grassley would like you to know he’s come up with an incredible innovation: He’s stuck two push mowers he had lying around to the back of his riding lawnmower so he can cover slightly more ground in each pass. We’ve looked up this ad he’s talking about, and this lawnmower contraption may be the stupidest thing we’ve ever seen. Read more on Chuck Grassley Invents New Way To Cut Grass…
  profiles in twitter courage

Chuck Grassley Doesn’t Mince Words: Blames NATO In Libya For ‘Legles Kiod’

Is this the tweet that turns the tide of American public opinion on the war on Libya? Chuck Grassley has some tough talk for NATO. It has blood on it hand, he says. For every legles kiod. Because that’s what clusters do folks: legles kiod. And he’s not afraid to say it. If he has to stand alone against’stiminidity, so be it. Read more on Chuck Grassley Doesn’t Mince Words: Blames NATO In Libya For ‘Legles Kiod’…