Wonkette

Radio and Internet wingnut Hugh Hewitt, one of the top starbursters (creepy conservative pundits who jerk it to Sarah Palin) out there, is working on a lovely book that he hopes to get published a week after the election. His agent sent the proposal to publishers all over literature’s New York City, and yet no one is biting. HOW COULD THEY NOT? Hugh Hewitt writes like the wind! And his book idea was grandiose and magical. It was to be called, How Sarah Palin Won the Election… And Saved America. No, really! [NY Observer]

You people are fast! We announced our contest with Hachette Book Group less than an hour ago, and we’ve already got about a hundred entries. So, let’s pick some winners now and get this over with, because otherwise we will have to read through a THOUSAND seven-word poems about why you need 11 political books. MORE »

CONTEST OVER, THANKS FOR PLAYING! Now that we’re all poor and soon there will be no Internet or TeeVee, it’s time to learn to read again! How would you like to win Eleven (11) new political books from Hachette Book Group USA? You would like that a lot, we bet. MORE »

A Wonkette publishing operative has sent us this leaked letter (.PDF) from the Workman Publishing Co., publishers of the new book “Is This Thing On?”: A Computer Handbook for Late Bloomers, Technophobes, and the Kicking & Screaming, to McCain deputy e-campaign director Mark Soohoo. The P.R. person writes that folks are being unfair with McCain by calling him “computer illiterate,” and appears to think there’s a chance Walnuts might accept an offer to do a “special one-on-one training session” with the book’s author. Our favorite line: “Mr. McCain mentioned that he liked reading Politico.com, so he is certainly no novice.” [Letter (.PDF)]

Confession: We are still too scared to review unemployed blogger Meghan McCain’s frightening new volume of children’s propaganda. Soon! Until then, watch this brief clip of Meghs on this morning’s Today show. First she barks that her father is “obviously a famous war hero” and then — and then! — she adds, “No one knows what war is like other than my family. Period.” O RLY? [YouTube]

According to many billions of emails received today at Wonkette Headquarters, intrepid Internet sleuths from “a former New York Times reporter” to “my librarian mum” have discovered the True List of books that wingnut creationist anger-bear Sarah Palin tried to ban when she was mayor of a strip mall in rural Alaska. Well, we have sleuths of our own, and they are called Legion but also all called “Google,” and you libtards have been had, again. MORE »

Civil War veteran John McCain served his country with “honor,” but he has no idea what “honor” even means! In a hilarious Q&A with TIME Magazine — hilarious because he’s just barking “Get off my lawn!” at the poor reporters — McCain is asked a simple, boring, “just quote your stump speech” question, and he goes absolutely crazy. MORE »

Meghan McCain is a quick finisher! It hasn’t been that long since we first learned about John McCain’s unemployed blogger daughter’s upcoming children’s book, and already it’s nearing publication. September 2 in fact, during the convention! And yes, that is the actual cover art, and yes, members of the Main Stream Media got a sneak preview today. Can you describe the sweet children’s book for us, CBS News? “There are illustrations of the McCain’s capture as a prisoner of war and stumping on the campaign trail, drawn by artist Dan Andreasan, who also did the illustrations for the childrens’ books ‘Pilot Pups’ and ‘A Special Day For Mommy.’” We will seriously pay someone $100 in Disney Dollars for a copy of the book RIGHT NOW. [Indecision 2008, CBS News]

Hey, maybe Jeremiah Wright wants Barack Obama to be president after all! Following EXPLOSIVE reports that he was going to publish a picture book in October featuring Barack Obama getting AIDS from the Muslim prophet Mohammad, Reverend Wright’s daughter now says that he has absolutely no plans to write a book any time soon. She also says her father would respond personally to email inquiries, but he is in “email hell,” which we are informed means “a place in Ghana where it’s difficult to send and receive email.” When will Barack Obama apologize for his former pastor’s daughter using the word “hell” so glibly? [The Roland Report]

• JEREMIAH WRIGHT IS THE WORST: So we’re reading this nice New York magazine piece about Barack Obama and Race and Hope before sleepy and, right near the very end, UGH: “In October, Obama’s former pastor, Wright, will publish a new book and hit the road to promote it, an occasion that might well place the topic of Obama’s blackness (along with his patriotism and his candor about what he heard in the pews in all those years at Trinity Church) squarely at the center of the national debate.” SWEET. LOOKING FORWARD TO OCTOBER. [New York]

David Brooks allows a made-up reader to address him as “Mr. Kierkegaard” today in his column. Here is what “Existential in Exeter” asks Søren Kierkegaard, who is David Brooks, about Culture: “All my life I’ve been a successful pseudo-intellectual, sprinkling quotations from Kafka, Epictetus and Derrida into my conversations, impressing dates and making my friends feel mentally inferior. But over the last few years, it’s stopped working. People just look at me blankly. My artificially inflated self-esteem is on the wane. What happened?” David Brooks gets high and then answers — oh man, does he ANSWER — this question (which he actually wrote to himself after getting high, too). MORE »

Our favorite Washington Post old crab Richard Cohen has put together another gem today, following his recent coot-ish rambles about tattoos, his eyesight and, of course, uppity Negroes. Today’s topic: books! He is in Boulder in a bookstore, with the books that the children don’t give a hoot about anymore! They are buying them on this “Amazon” internet page, or not at all, because they are terrible, bwah bwah bwah. MORE »

Sure, you may heart Barack Obama and want him to be president or whatever, but you probably have a friend or spouse or somebody who is ridiculous about his/her lurve for St. Barack of Obama. We just got a copy of Mathew Honan’s new book, Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle, which is based on the goofy website of the same name, and which is a kind of perfect summary of how Certain People really love their President Barry a little too much. MORE »

So has any candidate from either party come away from this presidential election with more than Ron Paul? Many dumb failures from Congress run every four years and then, after losing terribly, slink back to whichever invisible subcommittee it is that lets them hold the #3 ranking based on seniority, sure. But did Chris Dodd score lucrative book deals after his quite pointless campaign? No. Ron Paul’s failed campaign, on the other hand, brainwashed just enough hobos to guarantee that he can write multimillion dollar bestsellers, about ANYTHING, for the rest of his life. Earlier this year his book Revolution: A Manifesto, became a #1 New York Times bestseller. And now he’s signed up for an Important Follow-up, the comical title of which will be Revolution: A Memoir, about the psychological import of his early masturbatory experimentation. [New York Observer]