Tag Archives: Ben Shapiro

  They're getting Holocausted too probably

Oppressed Wingnuts: Please Stop Lynching Us With Gay Rainbow Flag!

Yeah, those are totally the same.
The Confederate “Rebel” flag has stood as a symbol, for decades upon decades, of black people being enslaved, oppressed under Jim Crow laws, being LYNCHED simply for who they are. The rainbow gay pride flag is a pretty rainbow that means something like “ohana” for all the gays, we don’t fucking know, we’re bad at gayness. But did you know, that in the perpetually aggrieved and butthurt fever dreams of anti-gay “Christian” wingnuts, the gay pride flag is LITERALLY lynching them, and also Holocausting them? IT’S TWOO! Grab a box of Kleenex, because you’re going to need something to wipe up all the tears of laughter empathy you’re about to shed for America’s most oppressed majority. Read more on Oppressed Wingnuts: Please Stop Lynching Us With Gay Rainbow Flag!…
  Wonkette dance party

Here’s A Jaunty Gay-Hatin’ Campaign Song For Republicans, Since They Can’t Use Any Others

Republican creative type.
Republican candidates have this problem every single time they try to do campaigns. They think, “Hey, I have always loved that song by [insert artist here], I’ll use that!” And then they get a cease-and-desist letter, or a lawsuit, from the artist, saying “I hate you so much, you are not worthy of my song, you dirty disgusting wingnut.” It happened last week, when dumb Donald Trump thought it would be a good idea to use Neil Young’s “Rockin’ In The Free World” during his campaign announcement. No dice, Donald. But there is hope on the horizon! Read more on Here’s A Jaunty Gay-Hatin’ Campaign Song For Republicans, Since They Can’t Use Any Others…
  just kidding they're all racist assholes

Wingnuts React To Charleston Church Shooting With Thoughtful Gravitas We’ve Come To Expect

Unlike wingnuts, that ugly dog is actually lovable.
Our headline is a flat-out lie. Wednesday night in Charleston, a white gunman identified as Dylann Storm Roof allegedly sat and prayed with black churchgoers at a bible study for an hour, and then opened fire, killing nine people, including the pastor, Clementa Pinckney, who was also a South Carolina state senator. As he continued to shoot, a survivor reports that Roof said, “I have to do it. You rape our women and you’re taking over our country. And you have to go.” Unless this particular church has a reputation for raping our women and taking over our country, that sure sounds like a hate crime, and we don’t mean against Christians. Read more on Wingnuts React To Charleston Church Shooting With Thoughtful Gravitas We’ve Come To Expect…
  dumb

Wingnut Chorus: Fake-Black NAACP Lady Just Like Fake-Lady Caitlyn Jenner, Haw Haw Haw

Welcome to the stupid part of the internet.
So that weird story is going around, about Rachel Dolezal, the head of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP, who may have been pretending to be black for many years, while actually being a white lady from Montana. Most normal people’s reactions to the story have been along the lines of “Huh!” and “That’s weird!” and “Well, I’ll be!” But not wingnuts. Oh no. Because they were led to believe, perhaps by unintentionally negligent parents, that they are “clever” and “good at thinking,” they immediately saw the parallel that flew right over silly liberals’ heads: CAITLYN JENNER! Because, see, Caitlyn is transgender, and now Dolezal is TRANSBLACK, because that’s a thing, you betcha, and all the wingnuts patted themselves on their sweaty grundles, satisfied that they had stuck it to the liberals YET AGIN!, Read more on Wingnut Chorus: Fake-Black NAACP Lady Just Like Fake-Lady Caitlyn Jenner, Haw Haw Haw…
  The poor dears

Caitlyn Jenner Making Wingnuts Feel Shame Tingles In Their No-No Parts

Your reaction to this picture says more about you than it says about Caitlyn Jenner.
Monday, Caitlyn Jenner revealed her transition to the world on the cover of Vanity Fair. Known up to that point as Bruce Jenner, male Olympian and Kardashian-adjacent person, she told her story to journalist Buzz Bissinger, while Annie Leibovitz supplied the pictures. Most people said things like “Wow, she looks beautiful!” and “Good for her!” and, in the case of badass trans actress Laverne Cox, “Yasss Gawd! Werk Caitlyn! Get it!” (Cox also said many other important things, read it.) Read more on Caitlyn Jenner Making Wingnuts Feel Shame Tingles In Their No-No Parts…
  this is the law in these here parts

Racism Is Just As Imaginary As Climate Change! Your Florida Roundup

The new Sheriff Joe?
It’s time for your weekly Florida news, is everybody ready? Let’s do this! Let This Nice White Man Teach Y’all How To Be Black David Morgan, the sheriff of Escambia County — an illiterate hickberg on the westernmost edge of the Panhandle that should really be part of Alabama, but we keep it because Alabama doesn’t want it either — is a white man who has some Very Deep Thoughts™ about racism and why it does not exist. You see, some white people voted for Barack Obama, so QED motherfucker! Also, The Blacks should not call themselves African-Americans, because Morgan does not call himself a Welsh-American, why can’t you be more like him? Read more on Racism Is Just As Imaginary As Climate Change! Your Florida Roundup…
  mommyblogging

Shut Up Paul Anka, Ben Shapiro’s Dad Has Written Greatest Pro-Life Anthem OF ALL TIME!

Move over, Paul Anka. There is a new pro-life anthem in town, and not a minute too soon because “You’re Having My Baby” came out over 40 years ago! Let’s remind ourselves of the glory and perfection that was the song about how Paul Anka is super glad his woman did not put a coathanger to the fruit of his jism: Read more on Shut Up Paul Anka, Ben Shapiro’s Dad Has Written Greatest Pro-Life Anthem OF ALL TIME!…
  if ayatollah once ayatollah twice...

Wingnuts Thrilled With Iran Nuclear Deal, Have Nothing But Kind Words For Obama

Same, Beaker. Same.
On Thursday, the Prophet Obama (peace be upon him) won a great victory over the infidels. Or at least a framework for the final agreement of a great victory of the infidels. And the infidels were not pleased! Of course we’re talking about conservatives and the greater wingnuttgentsia, which took to Twitter and blogs and the airwaves to snark and howl like Ben Stiller when he got his dick stuck in his zipper. It was thoroughly entertaining. Here’s a small selection of the shitfit that will likely continue until Iran mercifully nukes America so we don’t have to listen to the conservatives whining about Iranian nukes anymore. Read more on Wingnuts Thrilled With Iran Nuclear Deal, Have Nothing But Kind Words For Obama…
  Are You Afraid Enough? Please Be More Afraid

America Turns To Wingnuts For Comfort, Wisdom On Paris Attacks

Nous ne sommes pas étonnés
So it looks like the search for the murderers of 12 people at the Paris offices of Charlie Hebdo has come to its bloody end, with all the terrorists dead and four hostages killed in an attack on a kosher supermarket in Paris. As usual in these situations (and can we all just pause for a moment and be horrified that we know what’s “usual” in a terrorist attack?), a lot of the details are still not yet certain. But while we’re still learning the details, it’s definitely not too soon to move to the vital important next phase: explaining how the events in Paris fit into American culture-war politics, especially the all-important question of What To Do About All The Muslims. Read more on America Turns To Wingnuts For Comfort, Wisdom On Paris Attacks…
  A Sojourner In A Strange Land. A Very Strange Land

Obama Said Words From The Bible, Is That Even Allowed?

He's stealing our worship words!
Newest Rightwing Butthurt: In his speech on immigration reform, Traitor Usurper Friend Of Lawbreakers Barack Hussein Obama, who never mentions Jesus on Easter or Christmas, actually referenced the Bible, and now that’s a terrible thing. As part of his address, Obama said, Read more on Obama Said Words From The Bible, Is That Even Allowed?…
  poutine on airs

Ted Cruz Will Fix Constitution So Judges Can’t Gay Us Anymore

S-M-R-T
With the Supreme Court cramming the civilization-wrecking horror of gay marriage down America’s throat until it tickled our epiglottis and coated our larynx with sweet, milky equality, we were expecting waves of hysterical overreactions from wingnuts everywhere. Sure, there were a few. Gay-panic vector Bryan Fischer worked himself into his usual froth at the idea of the Court legitimizing “sodomy-based marriage.” Genocide Ben Shapiro threw a hilarious temper tantrum in the satin-lined nooks of Dead Breitbart’s Mausoleum for Cocaine-Fueled Rage Monkeys, citing 2003’s Lawrence v. Texas decision as a related case that found “anal penetration was a hard-fought Constitutional right.” Organizations like the National Organization for Marriage (NOM … oh, nom nom nom) issued an incoherent denouncement threatening to behead – with votes – any Republican lawmakers who did not reaffirm the principle of traditional marriage, “a pillar of the party’s founding in 1856.” (Somewhere in the afterlife, John C. Fremont looked up and said, “What?”) But mostly, the reaction felt muted. Read more on Ted Cruz Will Fix Constitution So Judges Can’t Gay Us Anymore…
  If April flowers bring gay showers...wait...

Ben Shapiro Just Doesn’t Get Why These Gays Have To Ruin Sports With Politics

Whey-faced anger bear Ben Shapiro has never met an issue he could not connect to the scourge of leftism and political correctness that is ruining America for whiny, snot-nosed, privileged jerks like Ben Shapiro. Today’s example: This highly unintelligent screed over at Dead Breitbart’s Internet Crypt for Koala-Fondling Lechers, in which Genocide Ben, taking as his jumping-off point the recent controversy over an ESPN report on the showering habits of openly gay sportsballer Michael Sam and his teammates, whines about how politics have invaded American sports. Damn liberals! Always ruining our cherished American institutions where large men beat the crap out of each other while trying to advance an oblong pigskin an arbitrarily conceived distance in a contest of skill and strength. Read more on Ben Shapiro Just Doesn’t Get Why These Gays Have To Ruin Sports With Politics…
  communists under the bed

Gay-Homo Gun-Grabbing Enviro-Pussy Burrito-Makers ‘Chipotle’ Being Communists Again :(

Sorry, CHIPOTLE. We bet you think you’re real “cool” with your big phallic Gay Pride burritos and your fairy-pansy-literary bullshit on your bags, but Ben Shapiro’s TRUTHREVOLT is here to lay the SMACKDOWN: you are a bunch of communists, and also you are stupid, so why don’t you shove a giant cock down your throats already, oh you already did that’s why! What’s up, TruthRevolt? Do you have a masterpiece by the title of “I’d Like A Burrito With A Side Of Communism To Go, Please” for us? YOU DO? Read more on Gay-Homo Gun-Grabbing Enviro-Pussy Burrito-Makers ‘Chipotle’ Being Communists Again :(…
  verbs are gay too

Bristol Palin Knows Who Is Classy And It Is Not The Dumb Gay President

Hey kids! It is time once again for Bristol Palin to smear some Thoughts at us! What is our topic for today? It is how the “president” had a gay sex fist bump, per Ben Shapiro, or “five short paragraphs from the National Review Online followed by two sentences ‘by’ Bristol Palin, neither of which has a verb because verbs are for LOSERS.” Read more on Bristol Palin Knows Who Is Classy And It Is Not The Dumb Gay President…
  oh lord this one's a doozy

Ben Shapiro May Have Finally Lost It, As If Anyone Could Tell

Could someone check Ben Shapiro’s meds? He seems even crankier than usual, and today he’s pretty much decided that Barack Obama is Josef Mengele or something. We’re accustomed to frothing spittle-spraying outrage from Shapiro; it’s pretty much his default setting. This is, after all, a man who celebrated the arrival of his baby daughter into the world by telling the world he would NOT watch the State of the Union address by that terrible socialist. But today his declaration that the Obama administration is fueled by hatred of Jews is, just maybe, a tad unhinged, even for Ben Shapiro, for whom we already know a completely unique scale of hingedness has to be calibrated. Read more on Ben Shapiro May Have Finally Lost It, As If Anyone Could Tell…
  twit fits

A Children’s Treasury Of Thoughtful Reactions To The Hobby Lobby Decision

We’re all still reeling over the awful Hobby Lobby decision today, but thank heavens, some of our great thinkers have already weighed in. For instance, Rick Santorum is positively frothy over the decision, even to the point of losing his prepositions: SCOTUS restored a vital piece our Constitution today [sic]. It’s a great day for all Americans! We didn’t actually notice a part of Our Constitution that said, “Hey, go ahead and tell your employees how they’re supposed to do sex,” but we’ll admit we haven’t read Rick Santorum’s copy. More Big Thoughts ahead! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Thoughtful Reactions To The Hobby Lobby Decision…
  shut your parent trap

Ben Shapiro: Why Can’t Barack Obama Be A Great Dad Like Me?

Oh dear god, Benjy Shapiro is thinking about his child again, which inevitably means he will express his tender affection for his tiny child by promising to protect her from the depredations of the Obama Administration. Remember how he welcomed her into the world by sneering at Barack Obama? Welp, he’s at it again, in what looks like a seriously belated Father’s Day column that ran today. Ben Shapiro is just full of love for his daughter, but like one of those crazy people who write letters to the editor comparing airline disasters to abortion, he cannot think of anything without being reminded of just how badly Barack Obama is ruining America. Read more on Ben Shapiro: Why Can’t Barack Obama Be A Great Dad Like Me?…
  derpternal truth

Ben Shapiro: The Moral Arc Of The Universe Bends Towards Ben Shapiro

Whatcha doin’? Nothing much? Want to check out what baby-faced soon-to-be-unibrowed helium-voiced professional whine machine Ben Shapiro is up to? Of course you do! Today, Ben is very very sad that people keep using the phrase “the right side of history” because you keep using those words but Ben Shapiro does not think those words mean what you think they mean, because of God. Read more on Ben Shapiro: The Moral Arc Of The Universe Bends Towards Ben Shapiro…
  wankin' it

Victoria Jackson’s Tiny Cartoon Genital Crusade Finally Making It To The Big Time

Some months ago, our dearly departed Doktor Zoom, who apparently thinks he can take personal days just because we told him personal days don’t roll over and he should take some personal days, brought you the hilarious story of Victoria Jackson’s crusade against tiny cartoon genitals in the 20-year-old book It’s Perfectly Normal. We get a lot of larfs at Miss Jackson’s expense, but it’s just Victoria Jackson, right? RIGHT? Well not anymore! TruthRevolt, the website from the prodigious brain of ball of smegma Ben Shapiro, breathlessly reports that ANGRY PARENTS are ANGRY about tiny cartoon genitals in a 20-year-old book, which — please, pregnant ladies, leave the room — has ALSO BEEN ENDORSED BY PLANNED PARENTHOOD. Read more on Victoria Jackson’s Tiny Cartoon Genital Crusade Finally Making It To The Big Time…
  words will never derp me

Unpersons Ben Shapiro & Dennis Prager Double-Plus Mad At You Hypocrites For Thought-Criming Donald Sterling

America, Ben Shapiro is really disappointed in you. Again. This time, you have all been doing a high tech lynching to Donald Sterling, whom Shapiro happily agrees is a racist scumbag, but who should never be punished for mere thoughtcrime. Also, minor-league wingnut Dennis Prager took a moment away from warning us that people having buttsex in private will kill America, so that he could warn of the terrible slippery slope (covered with santorum, maybe) that will result from punishing a person for his privately expressed private thoughts, which we must disregard even though they’ve now been disseminated far more widely than most public press releases. Shame on us. Read more on Unpersons Ben Shapiro & Dennis Prager Double-Plus Mad At You Hypocrites For Thought-Criming Donald Sterling…
  The Butthurt Locker

Beetle-Browed Whine Machine Ben Shapiro Pretty Sure Stephen Colbert Is Al Jolson

America, feculent dastardling Ben Shapiro is offended. He is very offended. His dudgeon is, in fact, quite high indeed. You see, he realized something yesterday in all the fuss over the announcement that Stephen Colbert would replace David Letterman as host of CBS’s The Late Show: Liberals get all offended by blackface, which is a performance style characterized by broad, exaggerated, stereotypes of The Blacks. (By the way, The Blacks shouldn’t be offended when white fratboys do blackface, because it is just a joke, and the good blacks have no truck with the grievance industry.) And yet, no one seems to be offended by the fact that for years now, Stephen Colbert has been doing exactly the same thing by pretending to be a character based on broad, exaggerated stereotypes of Conservatives. Is this not hypocrisy of the worst sort? This routine, in which Colbert plays at conservatism in order to portray it as unendingly ugly, should be labeled for what it is: vile political blackface. When Colbert plays “Colbert,” it’s not mere mockery or satire or spoof. It’s something far nastier. Oh dear. It looks like we are in for quite the snit. Read more on Beetle-Browed Whine Machine Ben Shapiro Pretty Sure Stephen Colbert Is Al Jolson…